Dancing With the Stars... Two Weeks Over

So... a friend of mine referred to me as a fag for watching Dancing With the Stars. Whatever... I must be a fag then. Doesn't bother me. Just remember this friends... I watch it with muh wife and... dancing chicks are hot... so there.

In honor of Jimmy's book "coming out" yesterday... I give you a few thoughts on a show that should suck, but rocks. Keep in m ind that many of these comments are very mean spirited and deserved.

Contestants (In alphabetical order)

Tucker Carlson -- Thank goodness he got voted out last week. He drove me absolutely nuts as his dance evoked memories of the class nerd getting a lap dance... for the first time. I think that was a boner when he stood up.

Monique Coleman -- You know her... yeah... she's the star of High School Musical... oh.. you don't have any kids? That explains your ignorance. She can shake her booty quite well but the chemistry that she has with her dancing partner is truly like an autopsy. Her booty dance reminded me of the train wreck that is Flavor of Love 2.

Sarah Evans -- I hear she is a country music star. Check. Two points less for her in my book. She is almost as boring as driving through North Dakota after a snow storm. Holy crap I want to nap when she dances.

Willa Ford -- I never realized how truly stunnning she was, but her outfit choices leave something to be desired. She must be some sort of good singer and seems like an intelligent Britney Spears.

Vivica A. Fox -- The oldest female in the competition and the best of them all. She is still stunning for over 40 and I knew this from Kill Bill when she could move and kick Uma's ass in their famous fight scene. She is the wild card in this competition and I wish her luck.

Harry Hamlin -- He seems like a nice enough fella. He does. I have no real problem with him as a person. I have always been jealous of him for marrying Nicollette Sheridan in her young hot stage not in her current plastic stage, but I was turned off eventually when he moved on to the annoying skank fest that is Lisa Rinna. I am rooting for him to get booted off just so I do not have to look at that big mouth skank...he calls his wife.

Joey Lawrence -- WHOA... I had to... Sorry. He's good, but dammit... grow your hair back in. You look like a jackass.

Mario Lopez is Slater from Saved By the Bell and the gay guy on The View. Oh wait... he is as ambiguously gay as Jim McGreevey for the last year of his gubernatorial term. You are pretty sure, but you just don't have the proof! He moves too well to be a stereotypically straight fella. I am too focussed on his sexuality. He just seems too talented to be on this show. His segments are funny and I know it was fake, but I really enjoyed watching his partner knock him out in a boxing match.

Shanna Moakler is a former model and I knew her best from Meet the Barkers where she was in a reality show about her and her husband from Blink 182, Sum 41, or WD40. She came across as the smarter of the two, but always looked emaciated. The show got annoying. They have since recently announced their divorce and a friend told me that it looked like she gained a lot of weight. My thought is that she is finally normal person weight instead of the heroin chic weight she was. Good luck, but she won't last to the finals.

Emmitt Smith -- He can dance. I wanted to think that he couldn't, but the more I think about it, he and Jerry Rice (finalist last year) have made a career of having tremendous footwork. Why shouldn't it translate to their dancing? Seriously. Emmit did the "Quick Step" and he was amazing... I think that he is an early favorite.

Jerry Springer -- He doesn't have a chance to win this thing. He is funny and will last a few weeks because... believe it or not... he is a pretty endearing character on the show. He is humble and a joy to watch. Now... let's discuss his dancing. Blech. I hope he lasts longer than Harry Hamlin.

Hosts

Tom Bergeron used to be a dufus in my mind. He filled his Hollywood Squares and America's FUnniest Home Videos banter with contrived comments that made me suspicious of him. HOWEVER, he is my favorite character on the show as he seems natural and hilarious. His jokes are corny and smart at the same time. God bless him.

Last year, Samantha Harris -- Tom's co-host -- was stiff and seemed too skinny for her own good. She has a tremendously deep voice which I dig, but it didn't belong to her body. This year, her hair is different and great. It suits her well and she seems to have filled out a bit. She is much more endearing -- especially with dresses that fit.

Predictions

Currently... barring some sort of major shake up. I think this might actually be an all male final (3 people) and it will be:

Joey Lawrence
Mario Lopez
Emmit Smith
Wild Card (Depending on a "mis-step" by any of these characters) -- Vivica A. Fox