Dancing With the Stars Season Premiere!

So... here we are... at the beginning of another season and I am glad to see that ABC isn't doing a 40 night season premiere... Just one simple episode...

It's also to impress upon us that the dancing is incredibly dangerous and two people are already hurt... the anti-Christ Jewel (those who know me and my affinity for Steve Poltz... understand why I am saying that...) and the almost always endearing Nancy O'Dell. Let's get their pictures out of the way really quickly...



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Ok... we are LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!! So let's get through the superior rhetoric and crap to find out what the hosts are going to tell us they are going to do with these quitters... (As of the airing of this show... I do not know who or what ABC has in store for us...)

We get to meet the stars of Season 8... as they walk down the stairs!!!! oOOOohh... the extra fancy intro music and my expectations are here... and Shawn Johnson TRIPS!... Psst... Denise looks like a hooker... but more on that later.

Samantha is still stunning and I need a nap already... According to Tom... there are TWO brave stars who will be replacing them... but... that will be later in the show...

Lil Kim & Derek Hough bring in the season and Lil Kim is speaking to me as though she is a contestant on Flavor of Love... Skank. She learned to love the show when she was in prison and is dedicating her first dance to all her "girls" in the pen... I am not kidding folks... that seems like a pretty limited demographic to appeal to win this thingamajig. They dance the Cha Cha and Lil Kim's vacant eye stare... oh wait... I shouldn't say mean things... because I have a feeling that Chris Brown might kick my ass. Her dance is mediocre ... at best. The scores are 7, 7, 7 for a total of 21. The judges must be scared too.

Belinda Carlisle & Jonathan Roberts come in second and Belinda is looking fantastic for her age. They are dancing the Waltz first and Belinda isn't a great spinner. Muh wife is mocking Belinda's grammar and I am distracted by Jonathan Roberts' suprime machismo. She's the negative nancy of this season already and she's only second. The dance seems stilted and I thought she would be better... Bruno was brutal and yelled at the crowd when boo'ed. I loved it! The scores are 6, 6, 5 for a total of 17.

P.S. High definition television is just plain mean to women... and men don't suffer from age in HD.

Lawrence Taylor & Edyta Sliwinska are up third and Edyta is one of my favorite dancers (Take that MS!). Lawrence Taylor is trying to be charming already... and I can't seem to get my extreme anti-Giants sentiments out of my mind. Edyta is wearing one of her normal dresses, but there is a ton of clothing on the bottom... weird. The Cha Cha... LT has a long way to go and should be much better if he tries. The judges were not enamoured. The scores are 6, 5, 5 for a total of 16.

Steve-O & Lacey Schwimmer come up next and I am completely expecting NOTHING crazy to happen tonight or any night with Steve-O on this show. Johnny Knoxville and Wee Man are in the audience. These two rebels are up first and it's going to be easy to hate them... even though Steve-O insists that he is doing this because it is "wholesome..." but claims that he is disadvantaged because he is "very caucasion..." That was funny. They are dancing the Waltz and for what he lacks in style and grace, he is actually trying really hard and smiling the whole time... Will I actually like him? Not yet missies! The judges make some Jackass references and overall, they... kind of liked him. The scores are 6, 5, 6 for a total of 17.

Gilles Marini & Cheryl Burke are up and Marini IS NOT A F&CKING STAR. I am not writing about him for awhile... Cheryl does keep tellign him that he looks like a woman. Cheryl is funny and she lost a lot of weight... and I only bring that up since she was on teh front cover of TV Guide announcing it. They are dancing the Cha Cha to Addicted to Love. His dance was classic Cheryl and very good. The judges... especially Carrie Ann liked them. The scores are 8, 8, 8 for a total of 24.

Chuck Wicks & Julianne Hough are a real life couple and Julianne is too cute and aging poorly. They are dancing the Waltz. They keep making funny boyfriend/girlfriend jokes and then Julianne finally starts yelling at him. This could be a very long season for them... The dance is pretty and twirly-y. LIFT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am not going to like her anymore if they make out after each dance. The judges were kind but negative mostly. The scores are 6, 7, 7 for a total of 20.

It's time to reveal the two replacement stars who will have an incredibly short period of time to perform their first dances. The two quitters are interviewed first.

The first replacement is Holly Madison and Demetri Chaplin and they are dancing the Cha Cha... Good for her and her doing this in a short period of time. The judges don't like it a lot and hope that next week's is a lot better. The scores are 6, 6, 6 for a total of 18.

Ty Murray & Chelsie Hightower are going to be intersting since Ty is going to pull the Aw Shucks element quite a bit and Chelsea is a whole bunch of annoyinf. She's from So You Think You Can Dance?.. . and ummm.... argh. Chelsea seems very young and although Ty is nice seeming... he probably own't win. He tried really hard though... and my wife groaned a lot during it. Bruno was rougher than he should have been. The scores are 5, 4, 5 for a total of 14.

Shawn Johnson & Mark Ballas are next and Shawn is the youngest competitor ever. She is a competitor. Before the season began, I get the feeling that she is going to win. She's only 17 years old... Jesus...I forgot how young she was. She's not even old enough to be in Playboy... and Sh&t! Holly's been on the cover four times! I thought their Waltz was really good. The judges did too. The scores are 8, 8, 7 for a total of 23.

Steve Wozniak & Karina Smirnoff are not compatible. He's not going to be good at all, but his dorkiness is going to be funny and odd enough to make me smile. I am also enjoying watching Karina be completely grossed out and disgusted by him... and she sucks big hairy moose nuts for that. He is bad though... and it is kind of cute how bad he is. The scores are 5, 4, 4 for a total of 13.

David Alan Grier & Kym Johnson are up to make me laugh... for the right reasons. AND HE IS WITH KYM!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY!!!! KYM. They are dancing the Waltz. Fantastic dance from the funnyman. BAM... I didn't expect that at all... so graceful. I am reminded that Carrie Ann used to be a Fly Girl. Len was the best... "Far more good in that than there was bad." The scores are 6, 7, 6 for a total of 19.

Denise Richards & Maksim Chmerkovskiy are going to be the EASIEST TEAM IN THE WORLD TO HATE. Really... Lori... how can you really root for your beloved Maksim when he is dancing with this evil home wrecker? GO ahead... justify... or... accept defeat! I can't watch this or write about it. It's going to be all about her... isn't it? They are dancing the Cha Cha Cha and during the rehearsals she keeps saying "Sorry" so the tension is beginning... SHE IS ALREADY CRYING... Shut your frigging face... "COLON" It's Complicated. Thank god she isn't good. Her kicks are violent and I thought her leg ws going to fly off. The judges are confused... just like me. The scores are 6, 6, 6 for a total of 18. Very appropriate score of 666.

Melissa Rycroft & Tony Dovolani are up last and she is more of a star than Gilles. Tony is the nicest person in the world. She had 48 hours to practice and good for her. She is dancing the Waltz and there is no introduction video. For such a short period of time, her dance is lovely... The scores are 8, 7, 8 for a total of 23.

Scores... Just a reminder!

Gilles Marini & Cheryl Burke -- 24
Shawn Johnson & Mark Ballas -- 23
Melissa Rycroft & Tony Dovolani -- 23
Lil Kim & Derek Hough -- 21
Chuck Wicks & Julianne Hough -- 20
David Alan Grier & Kym Johnson -- 19
Holly Madison & Demitri Chaplin -- 18
Denise Richards & Maksim Chmerkovskiy -- 18
Steve-O & Lacey Schwimmer -- 17
Belinda Carlisle & Jonathan Roberts -- 17
Lawrence Taylor & Edyta Sliwinska -- 16
Ty Murray & Chelsie Hightower -- 14
Steve Wozniak & Karina Smirnoff -- 13

Early Predictions?

I have some high hopes for Shawn Johnson and I am hoping America does the right thing and gets rid of Denise Richards as early as possible.

Good night America!