Top Five Uses for Leftover Turkey
1. Doorstop
2. Petrify it and use it as a weapon against unwanted intruders.
3. Turkey soup! -- Find a bone... go to bed early...
4. FOOTBALL!!!! Remember to have at least one "girl" play.
5. Cat food -- Special cat food... with arsenic... to keep that DAMN random cat out of our damn yard!
Top Five Things You Shouldn't Say at Thanksgiving With the Family
1. What is this? (Pointing at the food on the table.)
2. Ok... ummm.... tell me again...why do I care about you people?
3. Come here sis... give me a BIIIIG ole kiss.
4. !$$$%?@@)%#%#$?
5. Sperm (This is especially inappropriate when you just blurt it out after scooping mashed potatoes.)
Top Five Things You Shouldn't Say at Your New In-Laws Thanksgiving Dinner
1. We've gotta go home... trying to make twins.
2. Your daughter is the best cook in the world... if you count people who never actually turn on the stove.
3. Why didn't you tell me she does that in the bathroom when I asked you if I could marry her? I would have reconsidered!!!
4. When I signed up for this detail... no one told me that "dish washing" was going to be involved.
5. I need a beer. Go get me one...
Top Five Ways to Make Yams More A"peeling"
1. Add brown sugar.
2. Market them with those "twins."
3. Sell "pictures" of them to Playboy magazine. Everyone loves a good pair of yams.
4. Make jokes about them in the Smelmooo's blog.
5. Eat them... on national t.v.... in front of a live studio audience... in muh pajamas....while throwing confetti on a pair of puppies. (I went into a weird zone there...)
Top Five Inappropriate Things I Feel Like Doing In Public Sometimes (JUST FOR LAUGHS -- NOT BECAUSE I LIKE DOING THEM!)
1. Say "masturbation" in every single sentence. Proper term but still makes people cringe.
2. Pour sodas on people's shoes.
3. Eat with my mouth open... a cottage cheese and apple sauce mixture would be best....
4. Sing Christmas carols in July....
5. Stand in the middle of the mall and scream... "Where's my mommy!!! I CAN'T FIND MY MOMMYYY!!!!!"
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