So... I was involved in a pretty interesting conversation the other day with a group of folks. Funny thing is, everyone agreed to the principal of the idea... just not if it is possible.
The qustion was very simple -- Is it alright to "steal" some of your friends'.... friends? My thoughts and the thoughts of the group... YES.
Now... the question then becomes... how do you do it and what is the appropriate amount of time before you can separate and/or make it a new friendship of your own?
Here's what I mean.
We have some friends that we enjoy spending time with and will continue to enjoy spending time with them for the unforseeable future. They have a pair of really cool friends. Every single time that we see the new couple, we thoroughly enjoy hanging out with them.
There is absolutely no reason that we would have ever met them in our lives. None. They are similar and different than us, but each time we hang out, we laugh our asses off and have fun.
So much so... that... we want to hang out with them more than we do right now, but we only see them with the original friends... so... I ask again:
Is it alright to hang out with them without the pair that introduced them to you?
I think it is, but the rules of friendship and engagement are somewhat vague here. Should it really matter HOW you met someone if you want to spend more time with them? You don't want to offend anyone... but you want to enjoy life... no?
Now... let's assume that you have decided to spend more time with that new pair of friends... how do you do it without insulting the original couple when it ultimately has nothing to do with them? This is kind of a tough question and situation because it really does have nothing to do with the initial group. You aren't liking them less, but they might get offended by you circumventing them.
I can't figure it out all here, but I would love to hear what everyone's opinions are on the subject.
Funny thing about this is that I am sure that there are a couple of people reading this thinking if it is them that I am talking about.
Seriously...stop thinking about it so much... you just proved my point.
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8 comments:
The post below is one from a friend who couldn't post.
"I couldn’t seem to post a response to your blog today… errr… (probably some system thing here)
First thought, the fact that you thought about it shows that you are concerned for hurting your 'primary' friends' feelings. That being said, I'm not sure you need to restrict yourself and/or enjoyment of being around some people (2nd degree friends) because you're concerned about 'primary' elses feelings.
Wife's name and I have a similar situation… we thought about it…and then as we try to put things together (dinners or whatever) we realized that our schedules were so tight we weren't going to see them that many times it would make such an impact or it was days all three couple planned to get together anyway… I'm not sure if it's making any sense. Simply, when we looked at the calander the appearance of "stealing" was somewhat trivial."
Interesting topic. It's always tricky (as we've discussed) introducing one group of friends to another, especially when it's couples (will you like them both?). I don't think any "primary" friends would be offended...only if you stopped hanging out with them. Going by my second graders this year (similar situation happened)...I observed that the primary friend was extremely hurt when her friend started hanging out with the other one MORE than her and the two of them excluded her constantly. As you're not 7, it shouldn't be a problem. Then again, you leave us out and I'll have to kick your ass. :) ;)
-Leslie
I would love to think you want to steal us, but I think I would flatter myself! We are definitely not as cool as you described. I think this is an interesting subject, though, and I wonder if I should ask this one friend of mine who routinely steals everyone's friends (so much that people call her the "friend-stealer"). She's only been single, though, until recently - so she hasn't stolen a couple yet. I think her problem is that she's too quick on the draw - I think sometimes it helps to hang out with ALL the people for a bit first and then make a move. It's odd when she meets someone for 10 minutes in a group of 20 and then emails that person the next day. That gives people the impression she only wants to be friends with them because she wants, in essence, to steal them -- and it annoys the so-called "original" friend.
I am babbling, but let me also add that meeting people through others and then hanging out with them without said others seems to be how people make friends...I think back to how I met most people I know beginning when I was 6 years old and somewhere along the line is a scenario like that (otherwise, I'd probably only know about 3 people). So in the end I think it's fine, and normal, and expected. But I think timing is key, and also, as Leslie mentioned, not "ditching" the original people -- because that isn't right. That's my 2 cents (50 cents?!) for what it's worth. And now I feel bad for wanting to hang out with you guys, haha! :) -Abby
Um, am I allowed to hang out with you without Gina there? That gives you my answer to the question.
I think that it's fine to steal friends' friends, and you're actually one of the most generous people I know when it comes to sharing your friends. You hooked me up with Jenni when you and I first started dating (even though she still says that, if you and I broke up, she'd stick with you. I'm still working to sway her on that one), which I thought was a little weird at the time, but you were right that I'd love her. And Leslie knew that we'd hit it off with Abby and her hubby, and I feel like she was right and that we'll all be friends. Sometimes, the secondary friends do become primary -- the friend who introduced Shari and me 10 years ago is no longer in either of our lives, and thank goodness. So I think it's normal, and sometimes it works out better than others, but on the whole I think it's a good thing to steal -- or at least share -- friends' friends.
Yeah, how dare you spend time with Karen without me - that is unnacceptable. (Ok, sarcasm doesn't work in email as well as my dramatic flair in my head).
I stole a car once. I set it a fire and drove it into Farrington lake. I was really worried about fingerprints. I was only 10 at the time.
Everybody's being too nice/reasonable/funny here. Yes, I would be offended if I was the one left out. But that's because I always act like a seven year old. And I'm not kidding.
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