BACHELOR PARTY!!!!!

What happens in Baltimore stays in Baltimore...

ESPECIALLY when it involves my brother and a donkey.

Movie Previews... Suck

As a kid and teenager and young adult, the words, "My favorite part about going to the movies are the previews!" were not uncommon coming from me.

I loved them so much that I even watched the show "Coming Attractions" on the young E! channel which was a half hour of... coming attraction previews.

Over time... with the advent of the internet with movie previews easily available and with DVDs having up to 15 movie previews on them, I began to lose interest in previews.

The NINE previews before the almost three hour Pirates of the Carribbean 3 movie were another final straw.

I have turned on them and turn pretty hard.

I think previews stink.

They give away far too much information.

They are loud and long.

They give people more time to be raucous and LATE.

Previews are bad for all the bad reasons.

Let me ask Hollywood the following requests:

Please stop it with the predictable and silly movie previews unless you actually have a clever and/or sweet film like Waitress or Once.

Please stop showing previews for horror movies since they are all the same and look the same and for goodness sakes... I LOVE HORROR MOVIES, but stop inundating me with vilent images just to have the movie be rated PG-13.

(Side note -- Horror movies that are PG-13 are a complete and total waste of my frigging time and don't bother showing them to me.)

Please reduce my ticket price a quarter for every preview you show... since you are wasting that much time of my life.

I am all over the place here with this one, but I will end with this.

AAAARRRRGGGGHHHHH

Tucker -- The Sexual Beast

For two years, Tucker has not made a humping motion towards another dog.

He jumps on them, but never the instinctual humping motion.

It is all tied into him not having his nuts anymore.

We took Tucker to the dog park recently and all of that changed.

Here is Tucker... just chilling out waiting for a victim.



Here is Tucker humping victim number one.



Here is Tucker humping victim number two.



Here is Tucker relaxing at his water bowl... protectively... after finishing...

Much like smoking a cigarette.



I used to be embarrassed by this, but now... I am proud.

You go boy.

Show your dominance!

A Funny & Inappropriately True Story

Writer's Note -- I know this story is funnier to those that know me and my mannerisms.

It's time for a funnily inappropriate story.

I had an early breakfast meeting recently that I had arrived 45 minutes early to.

What can I say -- I left early anticipating horrific traffic?

I decided to sit in a parking lot and pass the time by reading Stephen King's new book.

I distracted myself a bit with some people watching and noticed a minivan full of six black and white women all about 50 years old dressed sharply.

Fifteen minutes later, one of the middle aged women walked up to my car and knocked on my window.

I rolled down the window -- God bless electronic windows.

The woman said, "It looks like you have some very dry reading there...."

I interupted with... "Not really. It's a Stephen King story and a woman is getting decapitated."

I said this because I saw that she wanted to hand me a religious magazine.

With the slightest flinch she said, "Let me leave this with you then."

I pulled out my sweetest smile and squint and said, "No thank you. I am rather engrossed with this right now."

She walked away with her magazine in hand.

The minivan pulled away 3 minutes later.

I swear there was someone tied up in the trunk.

That's my funny story about zealots...roaming parking lots for people to convert.

Last Session!

I write this from my Crack Berry.

I am in my last session and I am really looking forward to my 3:30 flight back home to see muh wife and TTTUUUCCCKKKEEERRR!!!!

See you all tomorrow just so I can go to another overnight on Thursday and Saturday for my bro's bachelor party.

Party hearty Bill.

Party hearty Ted.

Work Trip

Say buh bye to the Smelmooo for a couple days.

He will be in beautiful New Castle, NH at this place.

www.wentworth.com

Smelmooo knows you are jealous and he will try to leave you some messages here and there.


TWITTER STYLE!

Three Word Movie Reviews

The Abandoned -- Glorified Time Waster

Alien Nation: Dark Horizon -- I Miss AN.

Alien Nation: Millenium -- I Miss AN.

Alien Nation: Body & Soul -- I Miss AN

Apocalypto -- Unfortunately... it's Great.

Blood and Chocolate -- Cheesy... Strangely Good

Bridge to Terabithia -- Started Well........ Sad

Bubble -- Different...Thought Provoking

The Chocolate War -- Great Book Adaptation

Close Encounters of the Third Kind -- Same Ole Classic

First Blood -- Defintely Fun, Interesting

First Blood Part II -- Appropiate for Time

Ghost Rider -- Why Make This?

Hannibal Rising -- Disappointingly Uninspired Waste

The Hawk is Dying -- Wanted to Like... :-(

Hostel 2 -- I Enjoyed It

Miss Potter -- Sweet, Nice Movie

My Brother -- Long Afterschool Special

Pan's Labyrinth -- I LOVED IT!!!!!!!

Painted Veil -- Better Than Average

Primeval -- This just sucked....

Rambo III -- Suitable For Time

Reno 911! Miami -- I laughed Lots

Venus -- Bored to Tears

Waitress -- Awesome Fun Film

Wide Awake -- Put Me Asleep

Book 30 of 52 - Blaze by Richard Bachman (Stephen King)

I was suprised when I picked up this book by "Richard Bachman" at the store.

It was only 300 pages.

This is the same author who wrote It and The Stand.

It was written by Stephen King.

Richard Bachman was a pseudynym used by Stephen King.

Blaze is a fascinating story of a mentally retarded man who commits a pretty involced crime with the assistance of a dead man.

The way the story unfolds is classic King ... er... Bachman and is a good quick read.

King is a master of too much detail.

Blaze doesn't get stuck on too much detail and lets the reader use his own imagination.

Check it out.

The Closer

I am becoming a firm believer that The Closer is the best show on television.

Yes FBT...better than 24.

Yes SC...better than Lost.

Yes MS...better than Big Love.

Yes most people...better than The Sopranos.

These might not be your favorite shows people listed above... but you are all I could remember and I know you like those shows.

We just finished watching the season premiere and I really think it is one of the best if not the best show on television.

Book 29 of 52 -- Obsession by Jonathan Kellerman

Book 29 already?

Book 29 was another of my favorite mystery authors putting out another one of his popular Alex Delaware series novels.

Jonathan Kellerman has written his most recent Alex Delaware novel and it is entitled Obsession. Obsession premiered this week on the New York Times bestseller list in the number ONE position and will remain for another week.

Kellerman is a talented writer and his latest effort is certainly one of his better Alex Delaware outings.

His novels tend to be dark and intellectual. I would concur that this one certainly delved into that world but I would recommend it for anyone who knows his writing.

How to Annoy The Smelmooo

Post comments like this...

This is especially annoying when you got a phone call for your birfday from us!

"Wow, no happy birthday blog from the Smelmoo...I see where I stand ;) ;)

-Guess who"

Argh....it's doubly annoying when you don't spell my fake moniker correctly either.

Glamour Poll Fun

Someone forwarded this to muh wife for me to officially fill out.

No way, but I will do it on here... for fun...

Name: Smelmooo
Age: 33
City/State: Tucker's Town, NJ
Phone number (for follow-up and factchecking): (609) 696-9696
E-mail (for follow-up and factchecking): Poop@yourmom.com

1. What do you look for in a woman/relationship when you are in your 20s? Big Hooters

2. What do you/will you look for in a woman/relationship when you are in your 30s? Big Hooters

3. What do you/will you look for in a woman/relationship when you are in your 40s? Making sure she still has Big Hooters.

4. How has that changed as you've gotten older? (Explain the evolution for the three age groups, if you've reached them all: 20s, 30s, 40s) No need for evolution... Big Hooters are key.

5. Complete the following: I love women in their twenties because... they can have Big Hooters.

6. I love women in their thirties because... they can have Big Hooters.

7. I love women in their forties because.... they know how to use their Big Hooters.

8. Choose your ideal woman from the following lists (just one per list) and explain why she is the ideal in her age group?

20 year olds:
Lindsay Lohan
Ivanka Trump
Maria Sharapova
Beyonce
America Ferrera
Jessica Alba
Rosario Dawson

8a) I choose Jessica Alba because... she has Big Hooters.


9. 30-year olds:
Eva Longoria
Tina Fey
Angelina Jolie
Reese Witherspoon
Jennifer Aniston
Penelope Cruz
Tyra Banks

9a) I choose Penelope Cruz because... she has Big Hooters and a Spanish Big Hooters accent.

10. 40-year olds:
Salma Hayek
Sandra Bullock
Halle Berry
Sheryl Crow
Sarah Jessica Parker
Felicity Huffman
Janet Jackson
10b) I choose Salma Hayek because... she knows how to use her Big Hooters.


Anyone else have an opinion?

Happy Father's Day

Go say hi to your dad.

He was 1/2 the reason you are here.

Silly Workplace Signs -- Thanks MS

Woo Hoo -- Free Chicken!

It was Cruise Night July 2007 in downtown metropolis Metuchen.

The wife, dog, and I were walking the streets looking at old cars and people watching.

The Chik-Fil-A cow was in the distance.

Tucker reacted to a bunch of overaggressive children who like "The Puppy!" by cringing under my legs.

The kids pass and we make comments about how much we miss Roberto's but are too lazy to do anything about it.

"Look at that Mini Cooper," I say.

"Darn... I would love to have one of those," I think.

We catch up to the Chik-Fil-A cow and smile at him dancing with some children.

There is a wheel to spin and we take the time to spin the wheel.

Muh wife wins a free iced drink and the girl asks, "Would you like some chicken?"

"Sure!" she responds and the girl opens up a cooler and hands her a bag.

Muh wife opens up the bag and sure enough, a Chik-Fil-A fried chicken sandwich with pickles is in the bag.

I run over and show off Tucker, win a free chicken sandwich myself and am given a sandwich.

Life is good when free chicken is involved.

Especially Chik-Fil-A

Tucker -- Out For Hire

Good morning everyone!

Let me introduce myself.

My name is Tucker and I am the single greatest dog on the planet.

I dare you to find one that is better -- including Duke in Virginia.

So... I wanted to make some cash to help pay for my upcoming vacation with my cheap ass parents.

So... I decided to rent myself out.

If you are looking for experience, I was recently staying at a friend of my parent's house while my parents went away for the weekend.

I was cute and adorable and could do nothing wrong.

They fell in love with me and I was so adorable that the little girl in the house cried when it was time for me to leave.

That's how frigging adorable I can be.

So... if you want to rent me out to convince your wife how great a dog can be or just want to play with the most awesomest dog in the world, feel free to leave a comment and my daddy will make it happen.

How Smart Are You?

I swear... I got 100%.

Click here.

Going to Dover -- The 8.5 Hour Ride Home

Each year, I attend two NASCAR races at Dover with my friend Mike.

This year sucked.

It rained for a good part of the day.

Mud was everywhere.

They cancelled the race at 2:30.

We got in the car to avoid the rain and try to make the ride home.

4 hours later, the cars started to move and we got out of the parking lot.

Normally, we would have cooked and drank and waited, but it was pouring.

One Gross Thing

As we waited, a woman with no shoes walked through the pouring rain and right into a porta-potty.

Gross.

It was so bad at one point, that we fell asleep behind the wheel for an HOUR and when we awoke, no one had moved.


Second Gross Thing

When we got to a McDonald's right before the Delaware Memorial Bridge, we were grossed out to hear that the women's bathroom was leaking out into the restaurant floor, and even more skeeved when two guys walked in without shoes (from the beach) and walked through it to go to the men's room.

Makes me wish that Tucker was there.

One of the highlights, as always, was spending time with my buddy; I just don't get to see him enough.

Big Love Rocked.

There... I said it.

I love this show.

I Killed FREE FM

When Howard Stern announced his move to Sirius almost 3 years ago, 92.3 began planning their new station.

Abotu a month before he actually left, they announced that they would be going to an all talk format.

For the past eyar and a half, 92.3, formerly known as K-Rock, hosted a variety of talk shows, new and old.

The Radio Chick and Ron and Fez were brought back from former New York stints and those made me EXTREMELY happy.

I found new friends in JV & Elvis and was excited by the eventual return of Opie and Anthony.

Free FM became my first station of choice -- easily.

Also important to note that I refused to get satellite radio for a variety of reaons, not withstanding my relatively daily short ride to work.

A couple weeks ago, I purchased a new car and a year's worth of Sirius was included, and as I drove the car home from the dealership, I explored over 200 channels.

The novelty of the experience was fun and I discovered some neat new stations.

Then, I noticed it was 6:00 pm and it was time for the Radio Chick show, so I switched over to terrestrial radio.

Pearl Jam blasted out the speakers and the promos weren't saying FREE FM anymore and it appeared that the station went back to K Rock and was playing rock music again....

Soo... it appears that with my "switch" to Sirius, I killed an excellent station in the process.

Good by Radio Chick, Ron and Fez, and others.

I will miss you... but might I suggest that you look for a job on Sirius?

Sopranos Fans Hypocrites

Anyone who HATED last night's finale is insane.

It was brilliantly written and brilliantly wrapped up a lot of things.

Yes... it left you on the edge of your seat at the end, but it was a great ending.

Life goes on and so will the Sopranos for many of us.

WOO HOO BIG LOVE STARTS TONIGHT!

Getting Kicked Out of Legends of the Fall

FBT recently told me that he rented Legends of the Fall because he had never seen it.

I laughed because I remember my junior year in college when I went to see this movie in the theaters.

I got warned and subsequently kicked out of the theater.

I hate people who talk in movies, and I almost always want to inflict physical violence on those that do talk.

LotF was such a shit movie with such shit storylines with such shit acting being passed off as a quality flick that I couldn't help myself but to make comments to the theater.

My warning came when Henry Thomas, the guy who played Elliott in ET was killed in the war sequence while tangled up in the barbed wire.

I couldn't help myself and yelled out, "Oooouuuuuccchhhh" much like ET did when Elliott hurt his finger.

The theater erupted in laughter, and I was warned by an usher.

I just couldn't get into the fact that all three brothers were chasing this pathetic woman who was only mildly attractive AND she loved all three brothers herself.

The movie did nothing for me but show me that women liked men that treated them like shit -- not a positive message at all.

I began to get more and more impatient with the film and lost it during the montage where Brad Pitt was a hairy ape on his trip around the world.

"Are you frigging kidding me? This is so stupid," I said.

"Since you think it is so stupid sir, then you won't mind waiting in the lobby for your friends until the movie is over," an usher replied.

What bad timing.

I didn't realize that he was sitting behind me.

I left and waited outside for my friends to come out.

That is the only time I have ever been kicked out of a movie theater...

You have to admit that the OOOUUCCCHHH was funny though... and it came at the absolutely most perfect time ever.

Paris and Rags to Riches

There has to be some sort of metapysical explanation regarding the absences of Paris Hilton from society and the first female horse to win the Belmont Stakes in over a century.

Remove a scourge and women can succeed.

I will think about it... and I will find it.

Special Three Word Movie Reviews

Over the past couple weeks, I watched all six Star Wars movies.

They were all in HD one day so I taped them.

Here is my super special Three Word Movie Reviews for all of them.

Star Wars: The Phantom Menace -- The Worst One

Star Wars: Attack of the Clones -- Fifth Best One

Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith -- Third Best One

Star Wars: A New Hope -- Second Best One

Star Wars: Empire Strikes Back -- The Best One

Star Wars: Return of the Jedi -- Fourth Best One

Book 28 of 52 -- Memory Keeper's Daughter by Kim Edwards

In an effort to read "different" kinds of books unlike my normal murder mysteries, I picked up The Memory Keeper's Daughter by Kim Edwards.

Kim Edwards has written an exceptional book.

She sweeps the reader into the story immediately as a blizzard rages outside and Norah Henry goes into labor.

Quick Plot Outline -- It is winter in 1964, and Dr. David Henry is forced to deliver his own baby. He could not be more proud to discover he has a healthy baby boy. He was not prepared for what came next: the birth of his daughter, who showed signs of having Downs Syndrome. David makes the momentous decision to turn his daughter over to his nurse, Caroline Gill, instructing her to take the baby to a nearby institution, where he believes she will receive the best care. Caroline follows David’s instructions only to decide at the last minute to keep the baby and raise her on her own. What follows is the story of these two families and how their lives are impacted by that one decision. It is a heart wrenching story, and yet also one of hope.

Each of the characters finds a place in your heart.

Their struggles become your own.

I could see the bad decisions before they were made, felt the disappointment and loss, and shared in the hope or improvement and change: Norah in her grief, Paul in his need for approval, Caroline in her struggle to do what is right, Phoebe for her innocence, and even David, with his guilt and heavy burden of maintaining a secret heavier than he could bear.

To some degree, each character felt disconnected from each other and at times themselves.

As much as I disapproved of David’s decision, Kim Edwards was still able to craft his character in such a way to make him sympathetic.

This novel reminded me of the value of open communication and honesty in a relationship.

Dark secrets drive wedges between people, keeping them a part and slowly eroding the family.

Although the biggest secret came with the birth of Paul and Phoebe, David’s character was always secretive, not wanting to share too much of a past he was ashamed of.

His secrecy created a natural barrier between him and others, making it impossible for anyone to get too close to him.

Secrets abound in this book among the characters, but it should be no secret that this is a book that everyone should read.

Screw You Paris

oh wait...

"Jesus Christ is Lord" - You're An Asshole

Traffic is backed up and I am sitting in my car waiting patiently with the other 150 or so cars looking to maipulate ourselves around the three car fender bender.

I flip radio stations discovering new singers and music.

My temprament is mildly annoyed but reasonable.

I am startled by the large silver Cadillac that blows by 8 cars on the shoulder and throws itself in front of me.

I am immediately infuriated at the audacity of some people.

"You more important than me?"

"Why are you effectively risking my life to get someplace 45 seconds faster?"

"Douchebag..."

It won't do me any good to react to him so I let it go.

I look at the back of the car and see his license plate holder that reads "Jesus Christ is Lord."

Hypocrite.

You're an asshole.........

Lost -- It's All About the Daddies

I really enjoy Lost. I have been thinking about how awesome it has been recently and have done a lot of other evaluating, but I have come to the very simple conclusion that the entire show is about Daddy Issues.

It has been a running theme with me for a year and a half or so... and Best Week Ever made fun of a few of these issues recently... so I decided to expand.

Those who like Lost will understand what I am referencing with each of these character issues.

1. Locke's dad was a prick and all of his problems... even his paralysis... were a direct result of his father's negligence.

2. Sawyer's mother was conned by a man who turned out not to be a good stepfather...

3. Jack and Claire have the same father.... who was also a douchebag.

4. Hurley's problems stemmed from his verbally abusive and loser father.

5. Kate's issues revolve around the murdering of her step father who filled in for the father who either left or died... I forget which one.

6. Jin is embarrassed by his father's profession (fisherman)

7. Sun and Jin's problems are a result of her father being a complete asshole.

8. Ben killed his loser father...

9. Also... Desmond is where he is because Penelope's father pushed him away and paid him to leave.

The only ones I can't figure out or remember in terms of fathers are Sayid and Charlie... but both of them had "family" issues even in one of the last episodes where we saw some of Charlie's interactions with his father and in an episode from last or two seasons ago...

As far as I remember... Sayid's issues are mostly Iraq and his wife.

Add all this together and you have an island that tortures women who get pregnant by killing them... Damn fathers are killing them... and at the root of all evil apparently...



Blah blah blah blah blah blah....

The following was the rambling of a dopey silly pants who can't figure out the show so he tried to make some semblance of anything he could...

Book 27 of 52 -- A.M. Homes' The Mistress' Daughter

I'm a long-time fan of Homes' work, and, in my opinion, The Mistress's Daughter maintains the same intensity and urgency as her fiction. Though the second half of the memoir has been criticized (Homes takes some risks by breaking the flow of her narrative), I enjoyed these latter chapters. Admittedly, I got a little lost in the section that traces her online genealogy research, but, ultimately, I think Homes is to be commended for her fearless honesty. As in her fiction, Homes' spare style cuts to the bone.

As someone who is not adopted, I had some trouble completely understanding everything she referenced, but I am sure that she is striking the chords of how many adoptees feel when they confront their pasts and the lack of history.

It is a good book and a rather quick read as well.

Crap

Three Word Movie Reviews

Battlestar Galactica (Season 3) -- Wow... Great Television!

Because I Said So -- I Said... NO!!!!!

The Bituminous Coal Queens of Pennsylvania -- I've Seen Better

Breaking and Entering -- Ugh... Why? Boring.

Catch and Release -- Release To Wild!!!!

Dead Girl -- Dark, Disturbing... Daring.

Diggers -- Slow, Fascinating Portrait

Epic Movie -- Epically Horrible Shit

Fay Grim -- I Don't Know...

The Fountain -- Confusing Pretentious Film

History Boys -- Decent Enough Flick

Hopeless Pictures (Season 1) -- Ugh... What Poop!

House -- Still Campy Silliness

Last King of Scotland -- WOW... That's Good

Little Children -- Powerful Excellent Movie

Music and Lyrics -- Ok... it's... harmless....

Pirates of the Carribbean: At World's End -- Jolly Good Time

The Puffy Chair -- Different... Unique Feel

Secret Life of Words -- Tiresome Artsy Drivel...

Seraphim Falls -- WOW...That's good.

Twin Peaks (Season Two) -- Great Start.........Dragged

Twin Peaks Fire Walk With Me -- God... That's Shit

Who Buried My Heart at Wounded Knee -- Bury This Movie

Who the &#^#A# is Jackson Pollock? -- Not Fake.... Good

Another Year... Another Dover Race...

Weather looks great....

We are having a blast...

God bless Blackberries....

It's 7 in the morning and we already had eggs and beer.

Jealous?

Screw You Scott Proctor

You Suck.

Everyone Loves a Parade

Well, not everyone.

SCRIPPS SPELLING BEE NOTES

ROUND SEVEN!!!!!!!!!!

God I hate Mike and Mike...this is such a great event and they are trying to bastardize it with these two jackasses. If anyone important reads this, PLEASE GET RID OF THESE TWO MORONS.

Girolle will be a word I will remember forever. Thank you so much Jonathan Morton for being a totally crazy nerd fella.

There are two days a year where I feel really stupid. 1. Scripps Spelling Bee night. 2. Scholarship committee meeting at work where we review applications of kids who get near perfect scores on their SATs.

Bye bye Tia Thomas… nose breather.

Joseph Henares likes bed bugs and as of now… he is my favorite because he is actually funny and not funny because he has no social skills…

I wonder if the main clue giver fella ever gets annoyed when they stop saying please after each of their “requests.”

Damn those montages… I want to adopt the whole Kavya Shivashankar family…. …. Tangent Woman… can we adopt them please?

Montage = elimination …. So far

Matt Evans now has a montage…let’s see what happens… he seems like a nice kid… and not too crazy… Good luck Matt Evans… GENIZAH…cmon… cmon…HOORAY! The montage curse is broken!

god.. I wish I was on that stage... most of these kids have no sense of humor...so many missed opportunities

Only one chick left… “Save the last chick… Save the World” Oops… wrong show.

Last year’s winner… was the first female winner in 6 years… 7 kids left… one girl. Umm… What sex is smarter? Proven again…

ROUND EIGHT!!!!

Oh God… Sorry Evan… after your montage… I think you might be David Hyde Pierce’s future boyfriend.

Someone heard me… it’s been over an hour or so and no more Mike and Mike. Thank god… I am sure they will be out again… but thank god Robin Roberts is as awesome as she is.

No Canadians please…

Joseph Henares just spelled tritcale… he is so my favorite.

SPERM!!!! Cachalot! They said SPERM on a show with 5th o 8th graders everywhere!!!! (Cachalot is a sperm whale…) BUT THEY SAID SPERM!!!!

Damn those silent letters… bye bye Matt…

Oh boy… “Could you tell that he knew that all the way? Not even that facial hair could hide that fact.” Wow… the announcer actually said that. I am giggling my facial hair off.

Crap… 91 minutes in.. Mike and Mike. Eat poop. Go back to Laura Bush… I would rather listen to her tell me how awesome her husband’s stupid policies are than listen to these two jackasses.

ROUND NINE!!!

Damn that snotty Canadian kid… rognon… he spelled it before ABC could even figure it out… bastard.

NO!!!! Not Joseph Henares…. I will miss you kid. You had the best personality…even though you were from goof state… or Connecticut.

BYE BYE LAST OF THE GIRLS!!!!!

CHAMPIONSHIP ROUND

Cmon Evan… win this for… America. If you don’t win… Bush will probably declare war on your house.

YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! No new wars!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Go AMERICA!!!!!

Congrats Even O’Dorney. Good luck with everything.