Dancing With the Stars Week ... Uhh... I Really Did Lose Track

Welcome to Scranton, PA my friends and neighbors. I am on a business trip and I am enjoying some quality time in my hotel room... knowing that many of you can't sleep at night without knowing what it is that I think of Dancing With the Stars.

We are LIIIIIIIVEEEEE literally ... and I am tired and excited... all at the same time. I was able to make it to a tv to see the Yankees' opener... only to watch Sabathia stink it up and the Yankees squander a bunch of opportunities... oh well.

Tonight... each dancer will either do the Paso Doble or the Viennese Waltz. We are also at the beginning of the 90 minute episodes... so it just seems like a more managable broadcast to watch.

Melissa Rycroft was just announced as "The Bachelor Star" Screw you ABC... she ain't no star.

HOLY CRAP! Samantha's voice is back and her hair is almost touching the ceiling!

Chuck Wicks & Julianne Hough are up first and they are teh first to dance the Vienese Waltz. It took this many weeks and Chuck is finally taking the competition seriously. The practice session video is pretty boring and tame... interesting... Julianne looks lovely in a long flowing pink outfit and the choreography is pretty energetic for a Waltz... There's even a significant "turn" and it looked like Julianne's foot came off the ground! Len loved it. He still gives him some pointers though. Bruno is ... uhhhh... I don't understand him all the time. Carrie Ann hated it... and boos came out of everywhere. The scores are 7, 8, 8 for a total of 23.

Lawrence Taylor & Edyta Sliwinska are up second... and they are dancing the Paso Doble. I can already tell ... just by watching LT that he is uncomfortable in his outfit... It is a little... unmasculine... but he is a former New York Giant... so that explains a lot. During the video, LT is concerned about his inability to find the "beat" but he thinks he can find it and be tough and aggressive again. Good luck Sweet Cheeks. The dance starts off with a lot of Edyta dancing all around LT... Not a good way to impress judges who are asking everyone to take more chances... Regardless... the dance ends pretty neatly... with LT throwing and then pulling back Edyta. Bruno thinks the end was better than the beginning. Carrie Ann was pretty brutal... Something's "special" about her tonight. The scores are 6, 7, 7 for a total of 20.

Shawn Johnson & Mark Ballas are up third and Shawn is not happy with having been in the middle of the pack.... so she's going to try really, really, really, really hard. You go girl... I wish the STALKER STUFF would ahve come out... She's a doll... but so young.. They are dancing the Viennese Waltz and they look nice. Really nice. It was simplistic and beautiful. Carrie Ann agrees! Len is a bit more critical, but I bet his score is good. The scores are 9, 8, 9 for a total of 26.

Melissa Rycroft & Tony Dovolani IS NOT A STAR AND I AM JUST GETTING IRRITATED WITH THIS BROAD. I think I have a thing against whomever is Tony's partner. He is just such a great person and he gets crappy people... or this white bread non-star. They come out to a really aggressive Paso Doble themed song and it's a great dance. She has experience in dancing... so it isn't totally fair. Good dance... Whatever... At least she isn't a star. The judges are a bit critical. I think she might have a TRAMP STAMP... It always seems to be sequinned over. The scores are 8, 8, 9 for a total of 25.

David Alan Grier & Kym Johnson is dancing the HUMP DANCE of the night. David is dancing the Viennese Waltz. The video is a bit boring and David wants to COMPETE!... He should also think about entertaining... and then... I see him practice in PINK SWEATPANTS. Sexy... Sexy DAG... The dance is a weird high energy V.W. to some really slow music... I have no idea if that was good or not. Bruno thinks it is nice and then starts to rip him a new one... basically criticizing his trick moves. Carrie Ann says something weird and then Len gives him praise... The scores are 7, 8, 7 for a total of 22.

Gilles Marini & Cheryl Burke dance sixth and we are reminded of his perfect score last week... in week four... Sabrina got a perfect score in week four and then was booted in week 6. It's week 5 and he already brings out his kids... They are dancing the Paso Doble and the non-star and his partner step out for a dance... which I know will be good, but he's not a star... He's an Antonio Banderas wannabe. As the dance finishes (It's really good.), Carrie Ann and Bruno are giving him a standing ovation. The judges love him and Len is a tad critical... The scores are 10, 9, 10 for a total of 29.

After Gilles gets his score... he apologizes to Samantha about being at a loss for words. Samantha replies with "We are all at a loss for words." NO SHIT Samantha... we know all about you and your speaking issues.

Steve-O & Lacey Schwimmer come in next and they bring in the Jackass guys to come in and help out. It's a pretty funny video montage. He comes out to dance the Viennese Waltz and he starts doing some mime work while the singers butcher yet another song... but this time... IN FRENCH!!!! It's his nicest dance so far, but he just doesn't compare to Gilles and Melissa... Wee Man is in the front row clapping... That was sweet too... I bet he staples his balls to the table in the next ten minutes. Len thinks it is his best dance yet. Bruno thinks that he was much better. Carrie liked it better. The scores are 6, 6, 6 for a total of 18.

Ty Murray & Chelsie Hightower dance second to last and I think that Ty and Jewel are going to the same dentist. Ty rides bulls for a living. Since this is a "Bullfighter" dance... he should do well... right? His video is charming and he is showing a funnier side. The band brutalizes Barracuda. AAAAHHHHHH!!!! I was taking a peek at Chelsie here... She seems to be one of those women that are a bunch more cute when they aren't made up. I am impressed by Ty in this dance and he seems to really hit his spots. Jewel looks really uncomfortable about the whole thing. WOW! Bruno doesn't like it and neither does Carrie because it was "too stiff". Len adds to the criticism. The scores are 7, 7, 7 for a total of 24.

Lil Kim & Derek Hough were on Ellen late last week. She sucked there and I wanted to actually inflict harm on Tucker she was SOOOOOO bad. I would never do that... but we DID fast forward through the end of her gut wrenching horrific voice and terrible stories. ALSO... I found someone who dislikes her more than me... YOU GO DH!!!! She has a video... she does a dance... I wake up. The judges like it... and Lil Kim talks more nonsense than Samantha does in a whole season. The scores are 9, 8, 9 for a total of 26.

Scores... Just a reminder!

Gilles Marini & Cheryl Burke -- 29
Shawn Johnson & Mark Ballas -- 26
Lil Kim & Derek Hough -- 26
Melissa Rycroft & Tony Dovolani -- 25
Chuck Wicks & Julianne Hough -- 23
David Alan Grier & Kym Johnson -- 22
Ty Murray & Chelsie Hightower -- 21
Lawrence Taylor & Edyta Sliwinska -- 20
Steve-O & Lacey Schwimmer -- 18