FUNNIES ON LIFE
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn't.
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Marriage is a three-ring circus:
Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
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For Sale:
Wedding dress, size 8.
Worn once by mistake.
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There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman:
Before marriage and after marriage.
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Why were hurricanes usually named after women?
Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car.
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The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job. "Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied.? "I've been divorced three times."
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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
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Reason Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder: All the DNA is the same.
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I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward, looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?" Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?
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Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes." They were seated immediately.
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The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.
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All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
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Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
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Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."
Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"
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Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord... "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."
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A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think should do?" "Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
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John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.
With his last breath John said, "I do!"
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A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?" The man said yes and the Rabbi! replied, "Take the poison."
Sunday, July 30, 2006
Saturday, July 29, 2006
Metuchen -- A Town of Crime
What a town to live in.
This was reported in the "Crime Blotter" of our local paper.
"Someone smashed the window and took the insurance card, mint candy, a religios medallion, and a flashlight from a parked motor vehicle in a parking lot on Woodbridge Avenue..."
I get a kick out of the reported "mint candy"
That's the crime here.
Phew.
This was reported in the "Crime Blotter" of our local paper.
"Someone smashed the window and took the insurance card, mint candy, a religios medallion, and a flashlight from a parked motor vehicle in a parking lot on Woodbridge Avenue..."
I get a kick out of the reported "mint candy"
That's the crime here.
Phew.
Friday, July 28, 2006
CollegeHumor Movie: If you're being interviewed on live TV, it's your responsibility to try to fake an injury.
CollegeHumor Movie: If you're being interviewed on live TV, it's your responsibility to try to fake an injury.
This is so funny... I heard about it on O&A today. I just love the reporter's reaction.
This is so funny... I heard about it on O&A today. I just love the reporter's reaction.
Book 34 of 26 -- Twelve Sharp by Janet Evanovich
One of my guilty pleasures every year is to read the annual installment of the Stephanie Plum series by Janet Evanovich.
Janet Evanovich's books are ... for some reason... international sensations. Her writing is simplistic and overly reliant on using cliches and formulaic storylines.
I can't say that over the 12.5 books in the series that a whole lot has changed int eh lives of the characters, but hey... it is a decent ride.
Her books focus on a character named Ms. Stephanie Plum, and she is a bounty hunter in Trenton, New Jersey... I find Evanovich's descriptions of the area to be sophmoric yet accurate enough to remind me of my time living just outside of Trenton. I think she's a bit harsh on the "jersey" stereotypes, but hey..you gotta sell books huh?
12 Sharp is the latest book (her Stephanice Plum books all have numbers in the title and the next book will obviously feature the number 13.)
It's a simple read and I laughed at points while trying to figure out the simplsitic plot. The plots are so simple that you often look too deeply into them.
Regardless... the latest in the series doesn't disappoint as Lula and Grandma have significant roles again... so for those of you that know the series.. you won't be disappointed.
Janet Evanovich's books are ... for some reason... international sensations. Her writing is simplistic and overly reliant on using cliches and formulaic storylines.
I can't say that over the 12.5 books in the series that a whole lot has changed int eh lives of the characters, but hey... it is a decent ride.
Her books focus on a character named Ms. Stephanie Plum, and she is a bounty hunter in Trenton, New Jersey... I find Evanovich's descriptions of the area to be sophmoric yet accurate enough to remind me of my time living just outside of Trenton. I think she's a bit harsh on the "jersey" stereotypes, but hey..you gotta sell books huh?
12 Sharp is the latest book (her Stephanice Plum books all have numbers in the title and the next book will obviously feature the number 13.)
It's a simple read and I laughed at points while trying to figure out the simplsitic plot. The plots are so simple that you often look too deeply into them.
Regardless... the latest in the series doesn't disappoint as Lula and Grandma have significant roles again... so for those of you that know the series.. you won't be disappointed.
Thursday, July 27, 2006
Book 33 of 26 -- Thriller (Compilation of Stories Edited by James Patterson)
Thriller: Stories to Keep You Up All Night is a complilation of THRILLER stories edited by the incomparable James Patterson.
One of the criteria that I use to identify a thriller is that it is an obstacle course. You introduce the characters and the main one you are supposed to sympathize or empathize with. You find out the bad stuff and then the main character has to overcome a series of obstacles -- many of which will kill the character -- and resolve the issue thus saving their lives or preventing the death/expulsion of others.
Simple. To me, a good thriller takes a MINIMUM of 150 to 200 pages to succeed in this. Most of the stories in this collection are very well written pieces, but by the time the 20 or so page stories are over, I am just getting into the characters. There just wasn't enough meat to each story and I am afraid that the book's sole purpose was just to use James Patterson's name to promote the writing of some lesser known authors.
It doesn't matter to me why this book was published, but let's be honest about something. Thrillers they aren't. Quick mysteries in the Ellery Queen style they are.
One of the criteria that I use to identify a thriller is that it is an obstacle course. You introduce the characters and the main one you are supposed to sympathize or empathize with. You find out the bad stuff and then the main character has to overcome a series of obstacles -- many of which will kill the character -- and resolve the issue thus saving their lives or preventing the death/expulsion of others.
Simple. To me, a good thriller takes a MINIMUM of 150 to 200 pages to succeed in this. Most of the stories in this collection are very well written pieces, but by the time the 20 or so page stories are over, I am just getting into the characters. There just wasn't enough meat to each story and I am afraid that the book's sole purpose was just to use James Patterson's name to promote the writing of some lesser known authors.
It doesn't matter to me why this book was published, but let's be honest about something. Thrillers they aren't. Quick mysteries in the Ellery Queen style they are.
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
Smelmooo... the Canadian...(One of the Funniest Converstaions I Have Ever Had)
I have written about this a very long time ago, but I have the same name as a very famous political leader in Canada. When you do a google search for me on the internet, any reference to me doesn't appear until page 15 or so. I have seen this Canadian fella's name before in a number of places including a great newspaper article I once read when I happened to be in Canada about how 2% of those polled believed that (Famous Smelmooo) is the President of the United States...
But... I digress...
In my current job, I have been named to a lot of committees and funds that are listed on national lists and registries. One of these lists is an international collection of a lot of local groups.
I picked up the line when I had this conversation:
Woman: "Is this Mr. Smelmooo?"
Me: "Yes it is. How may I help you?"
Woman: "I have two John Smelmooo's in my system, and I wanted to verify them."
Me: "Ok... what do you need from me?"
Woman: "Do you or have you ever lived in Canada?"
Me: I have now realized what is wrong. "Um. No. Let me guess. That John Smelmooo is from Newfoundland?"
Woman: "Yes! How did you know?"
Me: "He shares my name... and now... apparently... we are both in the same club!"
Woman: "I guess you are. I see that you are just from New Jersey. Do you have a middle initial to differentiate you from the Prime Minister?"
Me: "If you knew he was the Prime Minister, why did you need to verify that __I__ John Smelmooo of New Jersey was not him?"
Woman: "I don't know..."
Me: "N"
Woman: "Thank you and have a nice day."
Me: "You too... but I think I will go invade Ireland now."
Woman: "You do that sir."
But... I digress...
In my current job, I have been named to a lot of committees and funds that are listed on national lists and registries. One of these lists is an international collection of a lot of local groups.
I picked up the line when I had this conversation:
Woman: "Is this Mr. Smelmooo?"
Me: "Yes it is. How may I help you?"
Woman: "I have two John Smelmooo's in my system, and I wanted to verify them."
Me: "Ok... what do you need from me?"
Woman: "Do you or have you ever lived in Canada?"
Me: I have now realized what is wrong. "Um. No. Let me guess. That John Smelmooo is from Newfoundland?"
Woman: "Yes! How did you know?"
Me: "He shares my name... and now... apparently... we are both in the same club!"
Woman: "I guess you are. I see that you are just from New Jersey. Do you have a middle initial to differentiate you from the Prime Minister?"
Me: "If you knew he was the Prime Minister, why did you need to verify that __I__ John Smelmooo of New Jersey was not him?"
Woman: "I don't know..."
Me: "N"
Woman: "Thank you and have a nice day."
Me: "You too... but I think I will go invade Ireland now."
Woman: "You do that sir."
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
Book 32 of 26 -- Proof Positive by Phillip Margolin
Proof Positive was a quick, well paced novel featuring some of the characters that I have learned to love while reading Phillip Margolin.
The book focusses on a criminalogist who intentionally flubs data and evidence to ensure convictions of "bad" people. For the sake of the novel and catching him, he eventually flips out and starts killing people. Lucky him that HE is the one investigating the evidence!
The book itself was great as I read the first 75 pages and was following three very interesting yet seemingly unrelated storylines, but through well done pacing and timing, they all melded together nicely and appropriately.
Proof Positive raised an interesting question for me... and after the proliferation of such shows as CSI, how much stock/reliability can we place in these types of people? Also, what happens when we put as much credibility into them as we do and they "go bad?" How can we ever trust one again?
Seriously.
For a good quick read that should take you no more than a few days, I really recommend Proof Positive. It will distract you and get you thinking.
The book focusses on a criminalogist who intentionally flubs data and evidence to ensure convictions of "bad" people. For the sake of the novel and catching him, he eventually flips out and starts killing people. Lucky him that HE is the one investigating the evidence!
The book itself was great as I read the first 75 pages and was following three very interesting yet seemingly unrelated storylines, but through well done pacing and timing, they all melded together nicely and appropriately.
Proof Positive raised an interesting question for me... and after the proliferation of such shows as CSI, how much stock/reliability can we place in these types of people? Also, what happens when we put as much credibility into them as we do and they "go bad?" How can we ever trust one again?
Seriously.
For a good quick read that should take you no more than a few days, I really recommend Proof Positive. It will distract you and get you thinking.
My Missing Brother -- Michael -- A Tale About Santa and Muh Beliefs.
I consider myself a pretty funny person. I make cracks and jokes all the time and I get a pretty decent return on my jokes -- at least 75%. I am much like an Airplane! or Hot Shots movie in that I will bombard you with jokes and hopefully something will make you laugh.
A few years ago, I was hanging out with my mom and someone else when we started talking about my childhood and something that I did. I don't remember what it was that I did nor do I care.
My response to the story was to blame it on my missing older brother Michael that my mother had given up for adoption before I was born. We all laughed about it and let it go.
For years now, that reference continues to come up. Whenever I burp at the table or make a stupid remark, it is usually my mother or myself that says something tot he effect of -- "Smelmooo, that's gross. Your brother Michael would never have done that."
I smile and let it go as it was funny to reference my adopted older brother that I have never met... because... he doesn't exist. There was no older brother Michael and there never will be... but... he seems to "exist" now.
I think I can only hear so many jokes before I start to believe that he exists.
This is a weird socialization thing as far as I am concerned.
I grew up with Santa Claus in muh life... He came once a year and brought presents and all around good stuff to my house every year. I learned to really like the idea of Santa Claus and appreciate him for his generous ways... even if he mostly brought Sports Illustrated videos to us.
I eventually learned... like every kid.. that Santa Claus isn't real -- the horror!
I accepted that fact and I should have known since Santa Claus' handwriting always looked an awful lot like my mother's handwriting. Oh well...
So... fast forward to 2005 and 2006. I am a 32 year old grown man and I watch Christmas specials and the special Christmas episodes all the time. Each one of them generally has a Santa theme to it and I get sucked in. Yeah... I know he's fake, but at least one of these stupid special episodes makes me wonder if Santa is real.
This is similar to what I feel every time I hear Michael referenced... I wonder if he is real...
Then... I remember... he isn't.
Oh well...
Sunday, July 23, 2006
Why I Was Fired
For the last company picnic, management had decided that, due to liability issues, we could have alcohol, but only one (1) drink per person.
I was fired for ordering the cups.
I was fired for ordering the cups.
Saturday, July 22, 2006
Friday, July 21, 2006
So... I Was Bored .....
...and I decided to search for dirty words in a variety of search engines.
One of the engines that I picked was Yahoo TV! listings.
You type in a word or show title and a listing will come up with all the matches.
Penis drew NO MATCHES.
Breasts drew NO MATCHES.
Cock even drew NO MATCHES.
However.. when I typed in the word SPERM... this is what came up.
Listings Search Results
Searched next 14 days for "sperm" - found 2 matches (1-2 below) Sort: By Relevance | Chronologically
• Sail Away - "Fat Albert and the Sea Park"
DCKIDS, Fri Jul 21 02:00pm EDT
• Sail Away - "Fat Albert and the Sea Park"
DCKIDS, Sat Jul 22 03:30am EDT
UMMMM... KID'S SHOWS!!!!!!!
(I know that it probably caught the word Sperm Whale... but come on!!!)
One of the engines that I picked was Yahoo TV! listings.
You type in a word or show title and a listing will come up with all the matches.
Penis drew NO MATCHES.
Breasts drew NO MATCHES.
Cock even drew NO MATCHES.
However.. when I typed in the word SPERM... this is what came up.
Listings Search Results
Searched next 14 days for "sperm" - found 2 matches (1-2 below) Sort: By Relevance | Chronologically
• Sail Away - "Fat Albert and the Sea Park"
DCKIDS, Fri Jul 21 02:00pm EDT
• Sail Away - "Fat Albert and the Sea Park"
DCKIDS, Sat Jul 22 03:30am EDT
UMMMM... KID'S SHOWS!!!!!!!
(I know that it probably caught the word Sperm Whale... but come on!!!)
Thursday, July 20, 2006
Leah Remini: I Saw Suri! | Tom Cruise, Leah Remini : People.com
Bullshit Leah.
Don't lie to me.
She DOESN'T EXIST! The adoption originally planned to produce Baby Suri didn't go through..and now they are scrambling for a new baby...
I know it to be true!
Click here.
Don't lie to me.
She DOESN'T EXIST! The adoption originally planned to produce Baby Suri didn't go through..and now they are scrambling for a new baby...
I know it to be true!
Click here.
Tucker's New Soccer Toy
I have written some blogs months ago about the removal of the dog toys that Tucker has destroyed. Muh wife and I continue to buy him some toys that he destroys in short order.
We don't want to waste money on toys anymore, but you should see the absolute excitement in his eyes when he sees and hears a squeaky ball. He jumps on it and attacks it to death. Literally... to death.
This weekend, I was at the local Petco and they were selling some plush-ish stuffed soccer balls with a squeaker in the middle of them for a dollar or so in honor of the World Cup. There were a few different colors and I went with the brown and white one.
I brought it home and let Tucker have it. He went to town on it and made it squeak like crazy. He would bring it over to me and I would throw it across the room. This went on for a few days. How awesome is this toy? He has no intention of destroying it at all.
Very cool.
Take a look at just how intense he is with the ball in these pictures... and how can you not love this face?
"Easy. He's just a dog." That was Seth........ dog hater.
We don't want to waste money on toys anymore, but you should see the absolute excitement in his eyes when he sees and hears a squeaky ball. He jumps on it and attacks it to death. Literally... to death.
This weekend, I was at the local Petco and they were selling some plush-ish stuffed soccer balls with a squeaker in the middle of them for a dollar or so in honor of the World Cup. There were a few different colors and I went with the brown and white one.
I brought it home and let Tucker have it. He went to town on it and made it squeak like crazy. He would bring it over to me and I would throw it across the room. This went on for a few days. How awesome is this toy? He has no intention of destroying it at all.
Very cool.
Take a look at just how intense he is with the ball in these pictures... and how can you not love this face?
"Easy. He's just a dog." That was Seth........ dog hater.
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
Something I Don't Get... (Fridge Packs)...
...but it's marketing genius...no really.
I don't understand Fridge packs...
I know what you are saying... what?
Fridge packs are amazing inventions that need to be celebrated because they save room... in... my... fridge!
Smelmooo... say it isn't so! How can someone hate fridge packs!!!!??!?!?!
Easy... I find them to be a big lie. That's right... a lie...
They talk about how it conserves space and provides us consumers with easy access to soda.
What it does is use up the same amount of space the old shaped boxes used to since can sizes haven't changed AND cans never seem to roll to the front in the frequent fridge packs that we have in our house. It requires us to lift the box and essentially shake the cans up as they slam into the front of the box.
If I wasn't so lazy in our house, I would remove all the cans from the box and put them into the fridge in an intelligent and less violent manner... but no... I am lazy and a fridge pack slides right in... and for the next week or so... I will grit my teeth and get annoyed when I try to put in other items into the full refridgerator.
Okie dokie... I can go to sleep now... I have been doing too much thinking in my head.... because I took the time to write about how much I dislike Fridge Packs....when there are more important and scary things in the world ... like North Korea... I bet they wouldn't be doing this if they had fridge packs to worry about.
I don't understand Fridge packs...
I know what you are saying... what?
Fridge packs are amazing inventions that need to be celebrated because they save room... in... my... fridge!
Smelmooo... say it isn't so! How can someone hate fridge packs!!!!??!?!?!
Easy... I find them to be a big lie. That's right... a lie...
They talk about how it conserves space and provides us consumers with easy access to soda.
What it does is use up the same amount of space the old shaped boxes used to since can sizes haven't changed AND cans never seem to roll to the front in the frequent fridge packs that we have in our house. It requires us to lift the box and essentially shake the cans up as they slam into the front of the box.
If I wasn't so lazy in our house, I would remove all the cans from the box and put them into the fridge in an intelligent and less violent manner... but no... I am lazy and a fridge pack slides right in... and for the next week or so... I will grit my teeth and get annoyed when I try to put in other items into the full refridgerator.
Okie dokie... I can go to sleep now... I have been doing too much thinking in my head.... because I took the time to write about how much I dislike Fridge Packs....when there are more important and scary things in the world ... like North Korea... I bet they wouldn't be doing this if they had fridge packs to worry about.
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
Driving in Highland Park -- Almost Dying... SERIOUSLY
Not too long ago, muh wife and I were on our way to the dog park in Highland Park. I have written about it in the past and it is a great place for dogs... especially Tucker.
Tucker was with us and he was standing guard in between us with his front paws on the center console and his back paws on the back seat. His position resembled Leonardo DiCarpio's on the Titanic during his famous announcement of being "King of the World."
Driving the speed limit entering Highland Park is an absolute necessity as the cops maintain a proper speed zone in town. I was in the passing lane of a four lane road that was going to merge into two lanes in about a 1/10 of a mile.
I was cruising along nicely and was about to pass a car travelling in the right hand lane. The was about 3-4 car lengths in front of me when it turned on its left hand turn signal. I was travelling too fast to let them pull in .. in front of me (still going the speed limit) so I didn't alter my speed.
This was when something happened that I have never seen happen before. Apparently, the left hand turn signal was not a signal that the driver wanted to merge into the lane that I was currently travelling in. It meant something completely different.
SHE WAS MAKING A LEFT HAND TURN FROM THE FURTHERMOST RIGHT LANE. HOLY F-ING CRAP.
I was able to swerve the car into the oncoming traffic lanes and barely made it around the car in time. Seriously... barely... It scared the crap out of me and even when the car that was behind me caught up with me... we shared a look of commiseration.
I can safely say that I think that our car and us would have been seriously hurt if we had been going slightly slower or had not swerved at the last possible moment.
Thankfully... the park was two minutes away...
Tucker was with us and he was standing guard in between us with his front paws on the center console and his back paws on the back seat. His position resembled Leonardo DiCarpio's on the Titanic during his famous announcement of being "King of the World."
Driving the speed limit entering Highland Park is an absolute necessity as the cops maintain a proper speed zone in town. I was in the passing lane of a four lane road that was going to merge into two lanes in about a 1/10 of a mile.
I was cruising along nicely and was about to pass a car travelling in the right hand lane. The was about 3-4 car lengths in front of me when it turned on its left hand turn signal. I was travelling too fast to let them pull in .. in front of me (still going the speed limit) so I didn't alter my speed.
This was when something happened that I have never seen happen before. Apparently, the left hand turn signal was not a signal that the driver wanted to merge into the lane that I was currently travelling in. It meant something completely different.
SHE WAS MAKING A LEFT HAND TURN FROM THE FURTHERMOST RIGHT LANE. HOLY F-ING CRAP.
I was able to swerve the car into the oncoming traffic lanes and barely made it around the car in time. Seriously... barely... It scared the crap out of me and even when the car that was behind me caught up with me... we shared a look of commiseration.
I can safely say that I think that our car and us would have been seriously hurt if we had been going slightly slower or had not swerved at the last possible moment.
Thankfully... the park was two minutes away...
Monday, July 17, 2006
Getting Change -- A Moral Dilema
So... the other day... I went to a convenience store off the beaten path to buy some of the normal things that I buy for a day at the office. This was the first time that I have ever been to this particular store and I will probably never return to this place.
The bill came to $2.23.
I handed the attendant a 5 dollar bill and left without looking at my change. I was in a bit of a hurry and shoved the bills and coins in muh pocket.
When I got to the office, I pulled the money out to neatly put it into my wallet and drop the coins into a cup I have around to put loose change in. The coins fell out of my hand and onto the desk.
That's when I noticed that the three quarters were actually silver dollars... so when I did the math, I somehow made two cents on the transaction AND got the items that I wanted.
I'll be honest. If I had discovered the mistake at the time of the transaction, I would have told the attendant and gotten teh correct change, but because I didn't pay attention and walked out in a hurry, I was able to benefit from someone's mistake.
It almost doesn't seem worth it to take back the $2 difference to the store and I probably won't.
How many of you out there would actually take the money back? It's an interesting question and it makes me wonder if I am a bad person or if I am simply putting too much thought into this.
I am leaning towards the latter.
The bill came to $2.23.
I handed the attendant a 5 dollar bill and left without looking at my change. I was in a bit of a hurry and shoved the bills and coins in muh pocket.
When I got to the office, I pulled the money out to neatly put it into my wallet and drop the coins into a cup I have around to put loose change in. The coins fell out of my hand and onto the desk.
That's when I noticed that the three quarters were actually silver dollars... so when I did the math, I somehow made two cents on the transaction AND got the items that I wanted.
I'll be honest. If I had discovered the mistake at the time of the transaction, I would have told the attendant and gotten teh correct change, but because I didn't pay attention and walked out in a hurry, I was able to benefit from someone's mistake.
It almost doesn't seem worth it to take back the $2 difference to the store and I probably won't.
How many of you out there would actually take the money back? It's an interesting question and it makes me wonder if I am a bad person or if I am simply putting too much thought into this.
I am leaning towards the latter.
Sunday, July 16, 2006
Saturday, July 15, 2006
A Test For You
You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
SCROLL DOWN
Get off the children's "Merry-Go-Round", you're drunk
In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
SCROLL DOWN
Get off the children's "Merry-Go-Round", you're drunk
Friday, July 14, 2006
Book 31 of 26 -- Double Tap by Steve Martini
I just finished reading the last Steve Martini book that he wrote and I was SOOOOO happy with it.
Double Tap was a return to the courtroom dramas that I really liked AND it featured the character of Paul Madriani, who I also really like.
I am happier than the Jerk at the gas station.
"Attorney Paul Madriani defends a highly decorated soldier on trial for murder and unwittingly steps into a maze of secrets and lies that the United States government - and possibly even his client - would rather leave hidden and undisturbed. "
I found this book to be entertaining and somewhat educational. It was a tremendous read.... even though my library version of the book weighed something like 6 pounds.
The library only had one copy available for me to read and it was the LARGE PRINT version. The book before large print was something around 450 pages, but when it was converted to LARGE PRINT, it was over 700 pages. I felt like I was reading IT by Stephen King all over again.
Double Tap is a fun read and it marks the end of my current Steve Martini reading... oh what will Steakbellie do without The Jerk jokes to make?
I can't tell ya... and I don't wanna.
Double Tap was a return to the courtroom dramas that I really liked AND it featured the character of Paul Madriani, who I also really like.
I am happier than the Jerk at the gas station.
"Attorney Paul Madriani defends a highly decorated soldier on trial for murder and unwittingly steps into a maze of secrets and lies that the United States government - and possibly even his client - would rather leave hidden and undisturbed. "
I found this book to be entertaining and somewhat educational. It was a tremendous read.... even though my library version of the book weighed something like 6 pounds.
The library only had one copy available for me to read and it was the LARGE PRINT version. The book before large print was something around 450 pages, but when it was converted to LARGE PRINT, it was over 700 pages. I felt like I was reading IT by Stephen King all over again.
Double Tap is a fun read and it marks the end of my current Steve Martini reading... oh what will Steakbellie do without The Jerk jokes to make?
I can't tell ya... and I don't wanna.
Thursday, July 13, 2006
Strange Plane Sighting...
Last week, I was driving around New Jersey.
I literally mean... driving AROUND NEW JERSEY.
I started my day in beautiful Edison, New Jersey. I then drove to the lovely gangland of Trenton, New Jersey for an early morning meeting. Once I completed that leg, I was off to Atlantic City, New Jersey for yet... another meeting! That cleared and I was off to Newark, New Jersey for a lovely ceremony and dinner event.
I put over 300 miles on the car and I was feeling a bit punchy in between each of my destinations.
On the trip from Trenton to Atlantic City, I decided to travel down Route 539 -- a hidden short cut to Atlantic City that essentially cuts across the entire state. For the 40 mile stretch, there is VERY LITTLE contact with the real world and only 4 traffic lights the entire trip.
Much of the trip is also through the Pinelands. If I am not mistaken, the famous Sopranos episode where they drop the dead body off in the Pinelands was filmed just off this road.
Anyway... I am driving along and I see a commercial jet flying a good 600 to 700 feet above my head. it freaked me out a bit, but I see this stuff every once in awhile.
However... I saw it again about 6 minutes later and then again 4 minutes later. I pulled off the side of the road and grabbed my camera to take its picture.
The picture doesn't do it justice... Click on it and enlarge it. You will get a much better idea of how close it was. You could hear the engines roaring... that's how freaky it was.
As an avid fan of the X-Files when it was on, I started thinking some weird stuff. I even turned on the news to hear if any possible airport or anything would have caused a plane to be "floating" above our heads.
No terrorism... no airports of a size that could handle a plane of that size in the area... I just couldn't figure it out.
Guess what? I have had you read all of this and I STILL don't know what it was about. Now you don't either...
I was just "plane" freaked out. Oh well.
I literally mean... driving AROUND NEW JERSEY.
I started my day in beautiful Edison, New Jersey. I then drove to the lovely gangland of Trenton, New Jersey for an early morning meeting. Once I completed that leg, I was off to Atlantic City, New Jersey for yet... another meeting! That cleared and I was off to Newark, New Jersey for a lovely ceremony and dinner event.
I put over 300 miles on the car and I was feeling a bit punchy in between each of my destinations.
On the trip from Trenton to Atlantic City, I decided to travel down Route 539 -- a hidden short cut to Atlantic City that essentially cuts across the entire state. For the 40 mile stretch, there is VERY LITTLE contact with the real world and only 4 traffic lights the entire trip.
Much of the trip is also through the Pinelands. If I am not mistaken, the famous Sopranos episode where they drop the dead body off in the Pinelands was filmed just off this road.
Anyway... I am driving along and I see a commercial jet flying a good 600 to 700 feet above my head. it freaked me out a bit, but I see this stuff every once in awhile.
However... I saw it again about 6 minutes later and then again 4 minutes later. I pulled off the side of the road and grabbed my camera to take its picture.
The picture doesn't do it justice... Click on it and enlarge it. You will get a much better idea of how close it was. You could hear the engines roaring... that's how freaky it was.
As an avid fan of the X-Files when it was on, I started thinking some weird stuff. I even turned on the news to hear if any possible airport or anything would have caused a plane to be "floating" above our heads.
No terrorism... no airports of a size that could handle a plane of that size in the area... I just couldn't figure it out.
Guess what? I have had you read all of this and I STILL don't know what it was about. Now you don't either...
I was just "plane" freaked out. Oh well.
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
Who Banged Iris?
My guess is that the person was under 18 because...clearly... she knows what stuatatory rape is.
Blech.
Click here...
Blech.
Click here...
Birfday Greeting
Carrie's Abby is ONE today.
Not bad...
I think she has lived in 16 different states so far.
Not bad...
I think she has lived in 16 different states so far.
An Interesting Discovery... Flavored Potato Chips...
Soooo.... I read Steakbellie's blog quite a bit and he is a bit of a competitive food eater.
It makes me feel somewhat strange and since I only know him through a friend and through his blog -- never having met in person, I have trouble describing his "antics" to muh real life friends.
He gets me wondering about food and its role in our lives as well as in my life.
But I digress because I found the absolute most disgusting and incredibly wonderful potato chip flavor the other day.
LAY'S STAX® Spicy Buffalo Wings Flavored Potato Crisps
HOLY CRAP. These taste exactly like a buffalo wing in that they are spicy and to the immediate taste... are like licking a chicken wing.
HOWEVER... they smell horrible and when I opened up the container, muh wife got green in the face and looked as though she was going to puke... I wish I was kidding...
I was in love with the chip... but I will probably not get them again....
It says on the package that it is for a limited time so if you are going to try them out... go for it soon... it has Superman Returns packaging on it......which means... it won't be around for long.
It makes me feel somewhat strange and since I only know him through a friend and through his blog -- never having met in person, I have trouble describing his "antics" to muh real life friends.
He gets me wondering about food and its role in our lives as well as in my life.
But I digress because I found the absolute most disgusting and incredibly wonderful potato chip flavor the other day.
LAY'S STAX® Spicy Buffalo Wings Flavored Potato Crisps
HOLY CRAP. These taste exactly like a buffalo wing in that they are spicy and to the immediate taste... are like licking a chicken wing.
HOWEVER... they smell horrible and when I opened up the container, muh wife got green in the face and looked as though she was going to puke... I wish I was kidding...
I was in love with the chip... but I will probably not get them again....
It says on the package that it is for a limited time so if you are going to try them out... go for it soon... it has Superman Returns packaging on it......which means... it won't be around for long.
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
Smelmooo's Overview of Soccer & World Cup
So... it is over and I really enjoyed it.
Of the 66 matches, I watched a portion or all of approximately 30 games. I enjoyed watching one of my favorite sports and let me just say that I loved the ESPN 360 that let me watch games... even when I was at work.
Now... before I list a few of my highlights... I want to make one quick statement.
If you don't like soccer or you don't understand the complexities of the game, shut the hell up. The one amazing thing that soccer evokes in the United States is a deep hatred or passion. I heard one of two types of statements during the World Cup from those people that know that I love the game.
1. " Did you see that ... (Insert awesome event here...)?" Then, we would talk about the game or the event and enjoy the rest of our conversation.
2. "I HATE soccer. I don't understand the stupid f-ing sport and the World Cup is shit." Why do you have to be argumentative? Just keep your mouth shut and don't be so stupid. Most of the time, they tried to prove their points by pointing out the poor performance of the Untied States. The United States was/is one of the top 36 teams in the world... and made it to the World Cup through hard work and play (not an automatic bid). They were also the ONLY team to not get beaten by Italy who beat six other teams to win the entire World Cup.
Now... with that said, I do remember SZG and our discussion. We discussed the World Cup and he admitted that he tried and just didn't understand. Great! Thanks to him for not being a jackass and trying to ruin the sport/event for me.
Ok... muh highlights.
1. The United States was the only team to NOT lose to Italy... the World Cup champions... AND they did it one man down for the entire second half. That was truly a remarkable event...but I am not supposed to like soccer because the United States "sucks." Stupid me.
2. Renaldo breaking the World Cup scoring record.
3. Zeidine's head butt in the last ten minutes of overtime in the final game was absolutely absurd. It almost ruined the entire event by being absolutely pathetic.
4. I am mostly in awe of goalkeepers. They dive and act all nutty and make some of the most athletic and acrobatic moves from any sport.
Alright... that's enough for me... I am out of here and I can't wait until South Africe in 2010.
Of the 66 matches, I watched a portion or all of approximately 30 games. I enjoyed watching one of my favorite sports and let me just say that I loved the ESPN 360 that let me watch games... even when I was at work.
Now... before I list a few of my highlights... I want to make one quick statement.
If you don't like soccer or you don't understand the complexities of the game, shut the hell up. The one amazing thing that soccer evokes in the United States is a deep hatred or passion. I heard one of two types of statements during the World Cup from those people that know that I love the game.
1. " Did you see that ... (Insert awesome event here...)?" Then, we would talk about the game or the event and enjoy the rest of our conversation.
2. "I HATE soccer. I don't understand the stupid f-ing sport and the World Cup is shit." Why do you have to be argumentative? Just keep your mouth shut and don't be so stupid. Most of the time, they tried to prove their points by pointing out the poor performance of the Untied States. The United States was/is one of the top 36 teams in the world... and made it to the World Cup through hard work and play (not an automatic bid). They were also the ONLY team to not get beaten by Italy who beat six other teams to win the entire World Cup.
Now... with that said, I do remember SZG and our discussion. We discussed the World Cup and he admitted that he tried and just didn't understand. Great! Thanks to him for not being a jackass and trying to ruin the sport/event for me.
Ok... muh highlights.
1. The United States was the only team to NOT lose to Italy... the World Cup champions... AND they did it one man down for the entire second half. That was truly a remarkable event...but I am not supposed to like soccer because the United States "sucks." Stupid me.
2. Renaldo breaking the World Cup scoring record.
3. Zeidine's head butt in the last ten minutes of overtime in the final game was absolutely absurd. It almost ruined the entire event by being absolutely pathetic.
4. I am mostly in awe of goalkeepers. They dive and act all nutty and make some of the most athletic and acrobatic moves from any sport.
Alright... that's enough for me... I am out of here and I can't wait until South Africe in 2010.
Monday, July 10, 2006
Basic Instinct Two....
Speaking of incredible movies...
Basic Instinct TWO is in the mail!
God Bless Blockbuster.com
Basic Instinct TWO is in the mail!
God Bless Blockbuster.com
Open Letter to the Pirates 2 Haters
Dear Haters,
Apparently, having a good time and checking your reality at the door is too much to ask from you all.
Pirates 2 was a wonderfully FUN movie. It wasn't the greatest movie ever made, but I can certainly say that it was one of the funnest times I have ever had at the movies.
The adventure and action shots were over the top but not reliant on special effects. They were character driven and made enough sense for me not to care.
Johnny Depp was perfect in the role and I would argue not in the movie enough, but too much more would have been overkill (Thanks Dan for that thought.)
Pirates 2 was a blast and if you have the ability to enjoy yourself and think about nothing, this movie is perfect since it is just a long and fun roller coaster ride.
Sincerely,
Smelmooo
P.S. That ending was awesome. I can't wait until May 27, 2007 to see how they resolve it. For the one person that didn't know it was a transitional movie and complained about it.... *yawn*... too bad.
Book 30 of 26 -- The Arraignment by Steve Martini
Only two more bad Steve Martin jokes by Steakbellie to go.
While away on a mini-vacation with the in-laws, I was able to read a book. Usually when I go on a trip like this, the reading is a plenty, but on this trip, it was severely lacking... for two reasons.
1. There was always company to talk to or interact with.
2. This book just didn't thrill me that much.
I have written about the Paul Madriani character from Steve Martini before and I enjoy reading the Madriani character books by Martini...
The Arraignment featured the Madriani character and I figured that it would be one of the gooder Martini books, but I got bored with it pretty easily. The story was "exciting." The plot wasn't horrible, but something about it was just not right. I am not sure what.
I think that it was because it wasn't a court room drama like the other books I read. This was a story about trying to figure out who the killer was... but none of it took place in a courtroom... just other countries and exotic locales. It was a different kind of mystery than I had signed up for.
Since I can usually find something positive to say about everything, I will add this... it is probably a really good paperweight... but at the same time... it isn't/wasn't horrible... just not special...
While away on a mini-vacation with the in-laws, I was able to read a book. Usually when I go on a trip like this, the reading is a plenty, but on this trip, it was severely lacking... for two reasons.
1. There was always company to talk to or interact with.
2. This book just didn't thrill me that much.
I have written about the Paul Madriani character from Steve Martini before and I enjoy reading the Madriani character books by Martini...
The Arraignment featured the Madriani character and I figured that it would be one of the gooder Martini books, but I got bored with it pretty easily. The story was "exciting." The plot wasn't horrible, but something about it was just not right. I am not sure what.
I think that it was because it wasn't a court room drama like the other books I read. This was a story about trying to figure out who the killer was... but none of it took place in a courtroom... just other countries and exotic locales. It was a different kind of mystery than I had signed up for.
Since I can usually find something positive to say about everything, I will add this... it is probably a really good paperweight... but at the same time... it isn't/wasn't horrible... just not special...
Sunday, July 09, 2006
Don't Know If It's True But....
No charge for directory assistance................
Cell phone companies are charging us $1.00 or more for 411 /information calls when they don't have to.
When you need to use the 411 / information option, simply dial 1-800 - FREE - 411
or 1 - 800 373 3411 without incurring a charge.
THIS is information people don't mind receiving - Pass it on.
Works on home phone also.
Cell phone companies are charging us $1.00 or more for 411 /information calls when they don't have to.
When you need to use the 411 / information option, simply dial 1-800 - FREE - 411
or 1 - 800 373 3411 without incurring a charge.
THIS is information people don't mind receiving - Pass it on.
Works on home phone also.
Saturday, July 08, 2006
The Nudist -- A Joke
The Nudist!
A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.
Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo.
He's really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.
A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says:
Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style . . it makes your nose look short. Love, Gramma
A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.
Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo.
He's really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.
A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says:
Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style . . it makes your nose look short. Love, Gramma
Friday, July 07, 2006
Stealing Your Friends' Friends
So... I was involved in a pretty interesting conversation the other day with a group of folks. Funny thing is, everyone agreed to the principal of the idea... just not if it is possible.
The qustion was very simple -- Is it alright to "steal" some of your friends'.... friends? My thoughts and the thoughts of the group... YES.
Now... the question then becomes... how do you do it and what is the appropriate amount of time before you can separate and/or make it a new friendship of your own?
Here's what I mean.
We have some friends that we enjoy spending time with and will continue to enjoy spending time with them for the unforseeable future. They have a pair of really cool friends. Every single time that we see the new couple, we thoroughly enjoy hanging out with them.
There is absolutely no reason that we would have ever met them in our lives. None. They are similar and different than us, but each time we hang out, we laugh our asses off and have fun.
So much so... that... we want to hang out with them more than we do right now, but we only see them with the original friends... so... I ask again:
Is it alright to hang out with them without the pair that introduced them to you?
I think it is, but the rules of friendship and engagement are somewhat vague here. Should it really matter HOW you met someone if you want to spend more time with them? You don't want to offend anyone... but you want to enjoy life... no?
Now... let's assume that you have decided to spend more time with that new pair of friends... how do you do it without insulting the original couple when it ultimately has nothing to do with them? This is kind of a tough question and situation because it really does have nothing to do with the initial group. You aren't liking them less, but they might get offended by you circumventing them.
I can't figure it out all here, but I would love to hear what everyone's opinions are on the subject.
Funny thing about this is that I am sure that there are a couple of people reading this thinking if it is them that I am talking about.
Seriously...stop thinking about it so much... you just proved my point.
The qustion was very simple -- Is it alright to "steal" some of your friends'.... friends? My thoughts and the thoughts of the group... YES.
Now... the question then becomes... how do you do it and what is the appropriate amount of time before you can separate and/or make it a new friendship of your own?
Here's what I mean.
We have some friends that we enjoy spending time with and will continue to enjoy spending time with them for the unforseeable future. They have a pair of really cool friends. Every single time that we see the new couple, we thoroughly enjoy hanging out with them.
There is absolutely no reason that we would have ever met them in our lives. None. They are similar and different than us, but each time we hang out, we laugh our asses off and have fun.
So much so... that... we want to hang out with them more than we do right now, but we only see them with the original friends... so... I ask again:
Is it alright to hang out with them without the pair that introduced them to you?
I think it is, but the rules of friendship and engagement are somewhat vague here. Should it really matter HOW you met someone if you want to spend more time with them? You don't want to offend anyone... but you want to enjoy life... no?
Now... let's assume that you have decided to spend more time with that new pair of friends... how do you do it without insulting the original couple when it ultimately has nothing to do with them? This is kind of a tough question and situation because it really does have nothing to do with the initial group. You aren't liking them less, but they might get offended by you circumventing them.
I can't figure it out all here, but I would love to hear what everyone's opinions are on the subject.
Funny thing about this is that I am sure that there are a couple of people reading this thinking if it is them that I am talking about.
Seriously...stop thinking about it so much... you just proved my point.
Thursday, July 06, 2006
What I Learned on My Summer Vacation -- Part Three
Holy crap... I learned more than I thought I did.
1. Billboards for fireworks shops were everywhere and they didn't let us down. There were fireworks stores that were full blown two story buildings... stores that were one story that seemed to leantos made of plywood... stores that were big tents and even a couple of stores that were just a table and a child without any covering next to a gas station. I really wanted to buy some fireworks... just because I never have and it isn't illegal here. Something told me that I shouldn't and I am glad that I didn't since the place I was staying in the Outerbanks didn't allow fireworks. Phew...
2. When muh wife and I went on trips in the past, we would thoroughly enjoy ourselves and then get all depressed when it was time to leave. We would drag ourselves out of wherever we went.. sad to be going home when we just had a fabulous time. That doesn't happen anymore. We don't get bummed out as much when we come home... why? We can't wait to see and play with Tucker. Tucker makes us happy and he makes the trips home worth it even more. Very little makes me as happy as when I see his little face come out of the "resort" with the excitement I love.
3. No matter where I go and no matter who I hang out with, it is amazing how awesomely I get treated when I wear my "Cheese is Good" t-shirt. Muh in-laws loved it and couldn't stop saying it to me even a couple of days later. That shirt is truly a powerful shirt. I wish I had gotten half the response to muh "Ninja Assassin" shirt that muh "Cheese is Good" shirt got.
4. One of the coolest things in the world is a thunderstorm. One of the coolest things cooler than a thunderstorm is watching a thunderstorm from the third floor of an all glass wall of windows over the ocean. One of the coolest things cooler than the last sentence is doing it with your honey ... with a cold beer.
5. Many lessons... and now I am home... for a few days... already learning a few new things on top of it... Smooches to all... especially muh wife and puppy-ish... best dog in the whole world.
1. Billboards for fireworks shops were everywhere and they didn't let us down. There were fireworks stores that were full blown two story buildings... stores that were one story that seemed to leantos made of plywood... stores that were big tents and even a couple of stores that were just a table and a child without any covering next to a gas station. I really wanted to buy some fireworks... just because I never have and it isn't illegal here. Something told me that I shouldn't and I am glad that I didn't since the place I was staying in the Outerbanks didn't allow fireworks. Phew...
2. When muh wife and I went on trips in the past, we would thoroughly enjoy ourselves and then get all depressed when it was time to leave. We would drag ourselves out of wherever we went.. sad to be going home when we just had a fabulous time. That doesn't happen anymore. We don't get bummed out as much when we come home... why? We can't wait to see and play with Tucker. Tucker makes us happy and he makes the trips home worth it even more. Very little makes me as happy as when I see his little face come out of the "resort" with the excitement I love.
3. No matter where I go and no matter who I hang out with, it is amazing how awesomely I get treated when I wear my "Cheese is Good" t-shirt. Muh in-laws loved it and couldn't stop saying it to me even a couple of days later. That shirt is truly a powerful shirt. I wish I had gotten half the response to muh "Ninja Assassin" shirt that muh "Cheese is Good" shirt got.
4. One of the coolest things in the world is a thunderstorm. One of the coolest things cooler than a thunderstorm is watching a thunderstorm from the third floor of an all glass wall of windows over the ocean. One of the coolest things cooler than the last sentence is doing it with your honey ... with a cold beer.
5. Many lessons... and now I am home... for a few days... already learning a few new things on top of it... Smooches to all... especially muh wife and puppy-ish... best dog in the whole world.
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
What I Learned on My Summer Vacation -- Part Two
I have already written a What I Learned on My Summer Vacation type blog about things I learned/experienced on my summer vacation. I thought I would write a few more things... I bet I write another one tomorrow too.
1. One of the things that I can safely say that I have never done as a grown up is to drive on the beach. At the end of Route 12, the road abruptly stops and drivers continue onto the beach. (You can't park anywhere in the first 1/2 mile or so... in case you were wondering...) It was like driving in the snow and when the car would lose a bit of traction or start to spin out, I remembered to turn INTO the spin and it would straighten itself out. It was different and I thought pretty cool. Would I do it again? Yeup... but I would be sure to bring the swim suits and towels instead of just driving on it.
2. Sexual innuendos run rampant all over the island. The billboards on the way in and the T-Shirts that people wear are all over the place. Here are a couple of examples. There was a billboard or 20 or so advertising "Try My Nuts" -- a nut shop. They had funny t-shirts with goofy pictures and that's how crazy it was. There was also a place called "Dog Nutz" which was essentially a shop of dog pharaphenalia. Loads of fun. Oh yeah... let's not forget Dirty Dick's Crab House where you get a shirt that says... "I got crabs at Dirty Dick's."
3. One of the nicest sounds in the world is the laughter of children. It really is a great sound. What is more pure really? When you get a child to genuinely bust a gut, there is nothing more satisfying... There is one thing however that drives me absolutely insane though. I don't really need nor do I want to hear the laughter when I am in bed trying to steal a few extra minutes of sleep while on vacation. I normally get about 5 hours of sleep on most nights but I wanted to try to get 6 or even 7. Laughing and running kids in the room above my head... not my favorite thing.
4. I dropped my phone into the pool... chlorinated pool. After a couple of hours blowing it dry with a hair dryer and trying different things I saw on the internet, I gave up and left the phone for dead. Yeup... dead... there was no life in the phone... I can't lie... it pissed me off. Not so much for the losing all my stored numbers OR losing access to my phone and friends, but because I just plain felt dopey. Dopey... nothing I hate more than feeling dopey. Stupid is one thing... but dopey is another.
5. In all seriousness... a seven and a half hour drive is tough enough, but when you do it alone, it isn't that great. Thank goodness that the ride home was with muh wife. That wasn't nearly as bad since she makes almost everything better... ALMOST you say? She doesn't make porn or strip clubs better...
1. One of the things that I can safely say that I have never done as a grown up is to drive on the beach. At the end of Route 12, the road abruptly stops and drivers continue onto the beach. (You can't park anywhere in the first 1/2 mile or so... in case you were wondering...) It was like driving in the snow and when the car would lose a bit of traction or start to spin out, I remembered to turn INTO the spin and it would straighten itself out. It was different and I thought pretty cool. Would I do it again? Yeup... but I would be sure to bring the swim suits and towels instead of just driving on it.
2. Sexual innuendos run rampant all over the island. The billboards on the way in and the T-Shirts that people wear are all over the place. Here are a couple of examples. There was a billboard or 20 or so advertising "Try My Nuts" -- a nut shop. They had funny t-shirts with goofy pictures and that's how crazy it was. There was also a place called "Dog Nutz" which was essentially a shop of dog pharaphenalia. Loads of fun. Oh yeah... let's not forget Dirty Dick's Crab House where you get a shirt that says... "I got crabs at Dirty Dick's."
3. One of the nicest sounds in the world is the laughter of children. It really is a great sound. What is more pure really? When you get a child to genuinely bust a gut, there is nothing more satisfying... There is one thing however that drives me absolutely insane though. I don't really need nor do I want to hear the laughter when I am in bed trying to steal a few extra minutes of sleep while on vacation. I normally get about 5 hours of sleep on most nights but I wanted to try to get 6 or even 7. Laughing and running kids in the room above my head... not my favorite thing.
4. I dropped my phone into the pool... chlorinated pool. After a couple of hours blowing it dry with a hair dryer and trying different things I saw on the internet, I gave up and left the phone for dead. Yeup... dead... there was no life in the phone... I can't lie... it pissed me off. Not so much for the losing all my stored numbers OR losing access to my phone and friends, but because I just plain felt dopey. Dopey... nothing I hate more than feeling dopey. Stupid is one thing... but dopey is another.
5. In all seriousness... a seven and a half hour drive is tough enough, but when you do it alone, it isn't that great. Thank goodness that the ride home was with muh wife. That wasn't nearly as bad since she makes almost everything better... ALMOST you say? She doesn't make porn or strip clubs better...
Tuesday, July 04, 2006
Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest
Damn Steakbellie for making me care AND tape this stupid event.
I was actually rooting for someone.
I need a burger.
I was actually rooting for someone.
I need a burger.
Happy Fourth of July -- Top Five Tuesday
TOP FIVE REASONS WHY THE FOURTH OF JULY ROCKS
1. It is really the only holiday which can be celebrated in a bikini. (Mine is pink with black dots.)
2. Fireworks... no matter how the same they are every year... really do rock.
3. There isn't any real commitment to the day. Maybe a beer... maybe a burger... but... day off.
4. T.V. stations run marathons of some pretty awesome shows... like What's Happening?
5. BEEEEEEEEERRRR....
Honorable Mention -- Lazy Blogging
1. It is really the only holiday which can be celebrated in a bikini. (Mine is pink with black dots.)
2. Fireworks... no matter how the same they are every year... really do rock.
3. There isn't any real commitment to the day. Maybe a beer... maybe a burger... but... day off.
4. T.V. stations run marathons of some pretty awesome shows... like What's Happening?
5. BEEEEEEEEERRRR....
Honorable Mention -- Lazy Blogging
Monday, July 03, 2006
What I Learned on My Summer Vacation -- Part One
You saw a bunch of blogs by muh wife where she made a list of things that she learned while on her summer vacation. My version of the trip to the Outerbanks was four days shorter (as I had a pressing work engagement), but I was still extremely happy to have learned a bunch of stuff muhself.
1. People have much different expectations of the same place. Tangent Woman and I went out to lunch at a place named Tomato Patch to meet some friends who happened to be a mile away at the same time. We expected somewhat crappy yet decent food, got it, and were happy. My sister-in-law, her husband, and three kids went to dinner there the last night (not knowing we had been there) and thought it was one of the worst dining experiences of their lives... It's really all about expectations.
2. I haven't been in a kayak or canoe since I was in high school so I was a bit scared at the thought of going in one in the tranquil waters of a local sound. Muh wife and I braved the extremely peaceful and calm waters and paddled around for an hour. We wished we had our camera, but we were a bit scared to take our camera into a possible "sinking" opportunity. Nothing bad happened and we returned unscathed after witnessing a really cool looking bird. It was black like a crow, but there were two bright red blotches right were its "shoulders" are.
3. Media rooms are cool and I really want to get one if muh wife and I ever decide to move. The house that we were staying in had a twelve seat media room with a movie screen. You could play DVDs, videos, satellite television, and the XBOX 360. I do not have a video game system at my house and never have, but the wireless controllers made Madden 2006 incredibly awesome. It really was like watching a football game on television and I was controlling it. Hey wife.... I need ... oh heck... forget about it... especially if you ever want to see me again.
4. I used to hate the beach. I really did. I hated the idea of sand and stuff in muh cracks and crevices. Muh wife basically convinced me to start joining her on trips to the beach a few years ago. Over the years, I have begun to like it more. At the house, there was a beach nearby (without lifeguards) and a heated pool. There was no real need to go to the beach and it appeared to me through discussions that she didn't really care if we went. I basically dragged her to the beach so that we could swim in the waves. I even body surfed a bunch of times -- something that I would have avoided just a few years ago.
5. I brought down four bottles of wine down to the beach -- bottles that I received from a club I am a member of -- Wine of the Month from wine.com. It was a gift from someone and I enjoy receiving two bottles of wine each month as each bottle comes with a description. When we would crack one of these open at the house, four to six people would all have a glass and we would talk about it. It was really neat and I was happy to see that the latest person in the family was able to contribute something so popular.
1. People have much different expectations of the same place. Tangent Woman and I went out to lunch at a place named Tomato Patch to meet some friends who happened to be a mile away at the same time. We expected somewhat crappy yet decent food, got it, and were happy. My sister-in-law, her husband, and three kids went to dinner there the last night (not knowing we had been there) and thought it was one of the worst dining experiences of their lives... It's really all about expectations.
2. I haven't been in a kayak or canoe since I was in high school so I was a bit scared at the thought of going in one in the tranquil waters of a local sound. Muh wife and I braved the extremely peaceful and calm waters and paddled around for an hour. We wished we had our camera, but we were a bit scared to take our camera into a possible "sinking" opportunity. Nothing bad happened and we returned unscathed after witnessing a really cool looking bird. It was black like a crow, but there were two bright red blotches right were its "shoulders" are.
3. Media rooms are cool and I really want to get one if muh wife and I ever decide to move. The house that we were staying in had a twelve seat media room with a movie screen. You could play DVDs, videos, satellite television, and the XBOX 360. I do not have a video game system at my house and never have, but the wireless controllers made Madden 2006 incredibly awesome. It really was like watching a football game on television and I was controlling it. Hey wife.... I need ... oh heck... forget about it... especially if you ever want to see me again.
4. I used to hate the beach. I really did. I hated the idea of sand and stuff in muh cracks and crevices. Muh wife basically convinced me to start joining her on trips to the beach a few years ago. Over the years, I have begun to like it more. At the house, there was a beach nearby (without lifeguards) and a heated pool. There was no real need to go to the beach and it appeared to me through discussions that she didn't really care if we went. I basically dragged her to the beach so that we could swim in the waves. I even body surfed a bunch of times -- something that I would have avoided just a few years ago.
5. I brought down four bottles of wine down to the beach -- bottles that I received from a club I am a member of -- Wine of the Month from wine.com. It was a gift from someone and I enjoy receiving two bottles of wine each month as each bottle comes with a description. When we would crack one of these open at the house, four to six people would all have a glass and we would talk about it. It was really neat and I was happy to see that the latest person in the family was able to contribute something so popular.
Sunday, July 02, 2006
Friday, June 30, 2006
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
An Only In New Jersey Story
This is really a story about an occurrence that could only happen in New Jersey... or Philly.
Last week, muh wife and I headed down to Lakewood, NJ where we joined my family at a baseball game with the Lakewood Blue Claws. It was Father's Day and the ballpark was making a pretty big deal of the special day with special promotions and deals all day long.
After the eighth inning, there was a very special "Musical Chairs" competition. It featured some blown up lounge chairs that you could lift with 2 fingers. There were four participants -- a FATHER with his 6 year old girl and a FATHER with his 6 year old boy.
The young boy was the first to be knocked out... he was followed out by the girl's FATHER. It was down to two and I had to root for the FATHER... BECAUSE IT WAS FATHER'S DAY and he had a darling little shirt on with his children's hand prints on it. Any other day... I would easily be rooting for the little girl to win... why? Because she is cute and a little girl.
After a bit of time, the music turned off and the FATHER fell into the chair. It wasn't even close. The little girl was in the absolute worst possible place to be (directly behind the chair) and the FATHER only had to fall backwards. I was happy, but apparently, the majority of the people in the crowd were not.
They boo'ed the FATHER like crazy. Not a little boo...not a normal boo... but a MAJOR boo...and a half.
I immediately was disgusted by this and frustrated with the predominantly New Jersey crowd.
How could you boo a FATHER... on FATHER'S DAY!?!?!
Seriously....
Then... I remembered a very important fact. The Lakewood Blue Claws are a minor league team for the Philadelphia Phillies... so that explains it since Philadelphia fans are easily... the worst fans on the planet.
Poor guy... and in case you are one of the cold heartless assholes who think the father should have been boo'ed -- he gave the prize to the little girl... adding more insult to his injury.
It's Father's Day... don't they get ONE day to win?
Last week, muh wife and I headed down to Lakewood, NJ where we joined my family at a baseball game with the Lakewood Blue Claws. It was Father's Day and the ballpark was making a pretty big deal of the special day with special promotions and deals all day long.
After the eighth inning, there was a very special "Musical Chairs" competition. It featured some blown up lounge chairs that you could lift with 2 fingers. There were four participants -- a FATHER with his 6 year old girl and a FATHER with his 6 year old boy.
The young boy was the first to be knocked out... he was followed out by the girl's FATHER. It was down to two and I had to root for the FATHER... BECAUSE IT WAS FATHER'S DAY and he had a darling little shirt on with his children's hand prints on it. Any other day... I would easily be rooting for the little girl to win... why? Because she is cute and a little girl.
After a bit of time, the music turned off and the FATHER fell into the chair. It wasn't even close. The little girl was in the absolute worst possible place to be (directly behind the chair) and the FATHER only had to fall backwards. I was happy, but apparently, the majority of the people in the crowd were not.
They boo'ed the FATHER like crazy. Not a little boo...not a normal boo... but a MAJOR boo...and a half.
I immediately was disgusted by this and frustrated with the predominantly New Jersey crowd.
How could you boo a FATHER... on FATHER'S DAY!?!?!
Seriously....
Then... I remembered a very important fact. The Lakewood Blue Claws are a minor league team for the Philadelphia Phillies... so that explains it since Philadelphia fans are easily... the worst fans on the planet.
Poor guy... and in case you are one of the cold heartless assholes who think the father should have been boo'ed -- he gave the prize to the little girl... adding more insult to his injury.
It's Father's Day... don't they get ONE day to win?
Harry may die in Potter finale, Rowling hints
Oh well....
Harry may die in Potter finale, Rowling hints
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
Associated Press
LONDON -- Author J.K. Rowling said two characters will die in the last installment of her boy wizard series, and she hinted Harry Potter might not survive, either.
"I have never been tempted to kill him off before the final because I've always planned seven books, and I want to finish on seven books," Rowling said yesterday on TV here.
Harry may die in Potter finale, Rowling hints
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
Associated Press
LONDON -- Author J.K. Rowling said two characters will die in the last installment of her boy wizard series, and she hinted Harry Potter might not survive, either.
"I have never been tempted to kill him off before the final because I've always planned seven books, and I want to finish on seven books," Rowling said yesterday on TV here.
Monday, June 26, 2006
Tucker's Guest Blog -- A Story of How to Catch a Ball
*FLOP*
*Pant*
Oh my God... I am the boredest bored I have ever been. I am so bored that I have decided to actually post a blog on muh daddy's blog.
I was thinking about posting one on muh mommy's blog, but she is such a better writer than muh daddy that I thought that I would help out his cause and give him a halfway decent shot in being close to muh mommy's quality. (Bad start... I know)
*Yawn*
I bored muhself.
Alright... so here I am... hanging out in the kitchen... lying on muh side... trying to get some sun... without burning muh fur off.
Muh daddy is great... he turned on the ceiling fan... AND the room fan for me.. so I can get some breeze whenever I want it... however... I am afraid of the ceiling fan.... I really am. It creeks when it spins and I always feel like it is going to chop muh cute little nose off.
The room fan is a whole other story... but at least it is there.... I won't walk anywhere near it... but phew!... relief!
*FLOP*
Muh life is full of flopping and just plain chilling out. That is... until Daddy comes home. Then... I get to go outside and run my ass off while other dogs, cats, and squirrels intimidate me.
Since I last wrote, I have gotten quite fond of something my Daddy seems to call Fetch or Ball. It is confusing sometimes... but I act the same with both commands so that is good.
He throws this tasty green thing that he calls a ball. I go chase it down, pick it up with muh mouth and bring it back to him. Most of the time, I will put it in his hand but there are times I want to be difficult so I'll throw it on the ground at his feet.
Daddy and Mommy seem to like playing this game with me so it makes me happy....
Sometimes... they make me sit. They then throw the ball pretty high in the air and right above my head. I stand up on muh back legs, put muh front legs up in the air and try to catch the ball with my front legs... just like muh mommy and daddy do when they play catch. Why do they laugh at me when I do it? I can't figure it out. I am pretty good at it. I basically trap the ball in my feet and pull it down to the ground like a soccer player.
They laugh at me... my daddy even calls me a cat.. which is mean.. but I thought I was ahead of the curve with that talent.
The game generally ends when I am too tired to play anymore or when I poop.
Something about this game makes me have to poop. Almost every single time.
I am poopericific....
*Flop*
Thank you for listening to muh story. I needed the break from the mundane.
*Pant*
Oh my God... I am the boredest bored I have ever been. I am so bored that I have decided to actually post a blog on muh daddy's blog.
I was thinking about posting one on muh mommy's blog, but she is such a better writer than muh daddy that I thought that I would help out his cause and give him a halfway decent shot in being close to muh mommy's quality. (Bad start... I know)
*Yawn*
I bored muhself.
Alright... so here I am... hanging out in the kitchen... lying on muh side... trying to get some sun... without burning muh fur off.
Muh daddy is great... he turned on the ceiling fan... AND the room fan for me.. so I can get some breeze whenever I want it... however... I am afraid of the ceiling fan.... I really am. It creeks when it spins and I always feel like it is going to chop muh cute little nose off.
The room fan is a whole other story... but at least it is there.... I won't walk anywhere near it... but phew!... relief!
*FLOP*
Muh life is full of flopping and just plain chilling out. That is... until Daddy comes home. Then... I get to go outside and run my ass off while other dogs, cats, and squirrels intimidate me.
Since I last wrote, I have gotten quite fond of something my Daddy seems to call Fetch or Ball. It is confusing sometimes... but I act the same with both commands so that is good.
He throws this tasty green thing that he calls a ball. I go chase it down, pick it up with muh mouth and bring it back to him. Most of the time, I will put it in his hand but there are times I want to be difficult so I'll throw it on the ground at his feet.
Daddy and Mommy seem to like playing this game with me so it makes me happy....
Sometimes... they make me sit. They then throw the ball pretty high in the air and right above my head. I stand up on muh back legs, put muh front legs up in the air and try to catch the ball with my front legs... just like muh mommy and daddy do when they play catch. Why do they laugh at me when I do it? I can't figure it out. I am pretty good at it. I basically trap the ball in my feet and pull it down to the ground like a soccer player.
They laugh at me... my daddy even calls me a cat.. which is mean.. but I thought I was ahead of the curve with that talent.
The game generally ends when I am too tired to play anymore or when I poop.
Something about this game makes me have to poop. Almost every single time.
I am poopericific....
*Flop*
Thank you for listening to muh story. I needed the break from the mundane.
Sunday, June 25, 2006
LAWS OF THE NATURAL UNIVERSE
Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.
Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of Probability:
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of the Telephone:
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law:
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
Law of the Bath:
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with
Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Law of the Theatre:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Rugs/Carpets:
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
Law of Location:
No matter where you go, there you are.
Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
Brown's Law:
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Oliver's Law:
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson's Law:
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.
Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of Probability:
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of the Telephone:
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law:
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
Law of the Bath:
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with
Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Law of the Theatre:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Rugs/Carpets:
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
Law of Location:
No matter where you go, there you are.
Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
Brown's Law:
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Oliver's Law:
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson's Law:
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
Saturday, June 24, 2006
The Pasta Diet
ITALIAN PASTA DIET -- IT REALLY WORKS !!
1.. You walka pasta da bakery.
2.. You walka pasta da candy store.
3.. You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.
4... You walka pasta da table and fridge.
You will lose weight!
AND......
CONCERNED ABOUT TOO MANY CARBS IN YOUR DIET?
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
1.. You walka pasta da bakery.
2.. You walka pasta da candy store.
3.. You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.
4... You walka pasta da table and fridge.
You will lose weight!
AND......
CONCERNED ABOUT TOO MANY CARBS IN YOUR DIET?
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Friday, June 23, 2006
Book 29 of 26 -- James Patterson's Maximum Ride School's Out Forever
As the summer of fun continues, I have realized that this is the perfect time to read a bunch of crap in addition to the sweet and sentimental books like Marley and Me.
James Patterson has put out four books this year. If you count the book of mystery stories by other authors that Patterson editted, I really think that he has put out three books this year. I looked it up... he put out five books in 2005 and five more in 2004.
With that said... there is a fourth book scheduled to be released on July 31,2006.
Seriously...
His latest book Maximum Ride School's Out Forever is a continuation of a series of books that he enjoys writing. It is the only series of books that he writes by himself. All of his other books nowadays have co-authors and follow a similar formula. The tone and sarcasm in this novel are similar to what he normally writes, but with a twist... it is oriented for "Young Adults."
This is officially located in the "Young Adults" section of the library yet it reads and has the same sort of action as his regular books... just without the sex and violence.
The book (James Patterson's Maximum Ride School's Out Forever) was decent enough, but I wouldn't really recommend it unless you have liked the three original books -- one as a young adult book and two as adult, regular fiction books.
Look for something fun to do this summer... most likely.... avoiding this book.
James Patterson has put out four books this year. If you count the book of mystery stories by other authors that Patterson editted, I really think that he has put out three books this year. I looked it up... he put out five books in 2005 and five more in 2004.
With that said... there is a fourth book scheduled to be released on July 31,2006.
Seriously...
His latest book Maximum Ride School's Out Forever is a continuation of a series of books that he enjoys writing. It is the only series of books that he writes by himself. All of his other books nowadays have co-authors and follow a similar formula. The tone and sarcasm in this novel are similar to what he normally writes, but with a twist... it is oriented for "Young Adults."
This is officially located in the "Young Adults" section of the library yet it reads and has the same sort of action as his regular books... just without the sex and violence.
The book (James Patterson's Maximum Ride School's Out Forever) was decent enough, but I wouldn't really recommend it unless you have liked the three original books -- one as a young adult book and two as adult, regular fiction books.
Look for something fun to do this summer... most likely.... avoiding this book.
Thursday, June 22, 2006
Dover 2006
Every year, I head on down to Dover for a NASCAR race. I do this twice and I do it with my buddy MR.
I have already shared with you Nine Year Old With Tits... and now... I share with you some other highlights.
While walking along, I was reminded of my wife's obsession with ice cream and took this picture of one of many ice cream trucks. It warns us that there are "Ice Cream Eaters Ahead." I didn't see muh wife and it made me sad. Boo hoo.
This classy fella was sun tanning in the tailgating section next to us. That red blotch to the right of the picture is the ass of his 8 year old boy. Please also note that the guy has his pants pulled up tight against his nads, his sleeves are rolled up a bit and that is a cigarette sticking out where his pee pee should be. Says a million things in one picture... doesn't it?
This picture was the final placing of all of the cars. You will note that Jimmie Johnson finished in the top 6. I had a great time watching him go from last to 6th. This picture also gives you a bit of a glimpse into the scope of how many people attend this thing. The stands were full about 10 minutes prior.
150,000 people is a lot of people.
I just wanted to show this tool again.
God Bless America.
I have already shared with you Nine Year Old With Tits... and now... I share with you some other highlights.
While walking along, I was reminded of my wife's obsession with ice cream and took this picture of one of many ice cream trucks. It warns us that there are "Ice Cream Eaters Ahead." I didn't see muh wife and it made me sad. Boo hoo.
This classy fella was sun tanning in the tailgating section next to us. That red blotch to the right of the picture is the ass of his 8 year old boy. Please also note that the guy has his pants pulled up tight against his nads, his sleeves are rolled up a bit and that is a cigarette sticking out where his pee pee should be. Says a million things in one picture... doesn't it?
This picture was the final placing of all of the cars. You will note that Jimmie Johnson finished in the top 6. I had a great time watching him go from last to 6th. This picture also gives you a bit of a glimpse into the scope of how many people attend this thing. The stands were full about 10 minutes prior.
150,000 people is a lot of people.
I just wanted to show this tool again.
God Bless America.
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
Three Word Movie Reviews
16 Blocks -- Pretty Standard Stuff
The A-Team Season 3 -- Formulaic but Fun
Bee Season -- Confusing, Stupid, CRAP
Bush's Brain -- Not What Expected.....:(
Coal Miner's Daughter -- Sissy Spacek... rocks....
Date Movie -- God Awful Time
Deuce Bigalow: European Gigalo -- Stupid Humor... Fun
Firewall -- Same Predictable Harrison
Glory Road -- Generic, Good.... Exciting...
Grandma's Boy -- Not Completely Horrible
Heaven Can Wait -- Classic romantic comedy...
Kiss Kiss Bang Bang -- Incredibly Dark.... FUN!
Memoirs of a Geisha -- Didn't Understand Anything.......
Munich -- Rivetting, Thrilling, Exciting
Nip/Tuck First Season -- Cooler Than Thought
The Ringer -- Suprisingly Sweet.... funny.
Sarah Silverman: Jesus is Magic -- I Peed Muhself
The Shield (Season 2) -- Still Uniquely Cool
The Shield (Season 3) -- HOLY CRAPOLY Goodness
The Shield (Season 4) -- Anderson.... Close.... Awesomeness....
Stephen King's Desperation -- Not Bad Adaptation
Syriana -- Uhhhhhhhh.... uuummmmm....huh?
Transamerica -- Don't Bother Checking...
Underworld: Evolution -- Target Audience.... Satisfied!!!!
The A-Team Season 3 -- Formulaic but Fun
Bee Season -- Confusing, Stupid, CRAP
Bush's Brain -- Not What Expected.....:(
Coal Miner's Daughter -- Sissy Spacek... rocks....
Date Movie -- God Awful Time
Deuce Bigalow: European Gigalo -- Stupid Humor... Fun
Firewall -- Same Predictable Harrison
Glory Road -- Generic, Good.... Exciting...
Grandma's Boy -- Not Completely Horrible
Heaven Can Wait -- Classic romantic comedy...
Kiss Kiss Bang Bang -- Incredibly Dark.... FUN!
Memoirs of a Geisha -- Didn't Understand Anything.......
Munich -- Rivetting, Thrilling, Exciting
Nip/Tuck First Season -- Cooler Than Thought
The Ringer -- Suprisingly Sweet.... funny.
Sarah Silverman: Jesus is Magic -- I Peed Muhself
The Shield (Season 2) -- Still Uniquely Cool
The Shield (Season 3) -- HOLY CRAPOLY Goodness
The Shield (Season 4) -- Anderson.... Close.... Awesomeness....
Stephen King's Desperation -- Not Bad Adaptation
Syriana -- Uhhhhhhhh.... uuummmmm....huh?
Transamerica -- Don't Bother Checking...
Underworld: Evolution -- Target Audience.... Satisfied!!!!
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
The Return of Top Five Tuesday??!??
Soooooo... I am soooo disappointed in you people.
Yeah... I am.
I have been hearing rather recently from a few of you how disappointed you are that I decided to stop posting Top Five Tuesday.
Did you post any comments about it?
No.
Did you send me any emails upset about it?
No.
Did you wait until you saw me to complain about it?
Yes....and for that I am truly disappointed.
We live in a digital world and you can easily contact me by email if you know me or by the web site if you are just an avid stalker of mine.
Only Carrie and Steakbellie expressed their dismay in the blog and muh wife is upset as well, but I sleep with her.... so I know about her disappointment in my discarding Top Five Tuesday.
So... I am asking you... who wants to see the return of Top Five Tuesday and who really hates it... such as ArtieLange, who posts blogs about every 6 months or so.... readers are just as valuable as writers....
I would love to see who will actually let their voice be heard!
Yeah... I am.
I have been hearing rather recently from a few of you how disappointed you are that I decided to stop posting Top Five Tuesday.
Did you post any comments about it?
No.
Did you send me any emails upset about it?
No.
Did you wait until you saw me to complain about it?
Yes....and for that I am truly disappointed.
We live in a digital world and you can easily contact me by email if you know me or by the web site if you are just an avid stalker of mine.
Only Carrie and Steakbellie expressed their dismay in the blog and muh wife is upset as well, but I sleep with her.... so I know about her disappointment in my discarding Top Five Tuesday.
So... I am asking you... who wants to see the return of Top Five Tuesday and who really hates it... such as ArtieLange, who posts blogs about every 6 months or so.... readers are just as valuable as writers....
I would love to see who will actually let their voice be heard!
Monday, June 19, 2006
Caught... With Muh Pants Down -- A Story of Discovered Porn
Once upon a time, there was a handsome and charming young man who lived with his gorgeously, intelligent wife and cute little dog in a small commuter town in New Jersey.
One weekday evening, the wife was sleeping soundly on the couch and the husband was flipping through the channels to see if there would be any movies on at night that he might want to see.
He came across "Call Girl Wives." Call Girl Wives is a sweet and sentimental tale of some neglected women who live at home and engage in friendly lovemaking with each other to pass the time. One day...they expand the scope of the intimacy and perform their acts with others.
With that incredibly sweet description and the knowledge that it stars one of the handsome gentleman's favorite "actresses," he decided to tape the program with complete confidence that although it was taped on a public DVR, he would not be caught.
That morning, he was watching an episode of Rescue Me before work when his beautiful wife who had awakened from her deep slumber and jumped straight into the shower and prepared herself for work -- further ensuring his belief that he was not going to be caught -- came downstairs.
At an especially exciting part of the Rescue Me episode, the gorgeous, funny, smart and sensational wife addressed her husband.
"Honey... what is Call Girl Wives about?" she asked.
"Ummm.... " (CRAP!!!), he replied in stunned amazement. "It's... uh... what?" The young man freaked out a bit in his mind as this was the first time that he was discovered in the entire five year relationship with anything of this sort.
"How did you find it?" he asked.
"I couldn't sleep and decided to watch some television at 4 in the morning when I saw that we were taping something," she said.
"Oh... well... it is such a sweet little story I am sure," he said.
"Well, when I watched a bit of it... it sure didn't seem sweet to me," she quickly retorted.
He ... a man who is never at a loss for words... was at a complete loss for words. He was completely busted... so instead of owning it and accepting it, he started to make up excuses for the porn by referring to it as harmelss and soft.
That didn't work either.
In the end... he didn't get in any trouble and yet... he felt so guilty that he never actually watched it... as it wouldn't have been any fun.
One weekday evening, the wife was sleeping soundly on the couch and the husband was flipping through the channels to see if there would be any movies on at night that he might want to see.
He came across "Call Girl Wives." Call Girl Wives is a sweet and sentimental tale of some neglected women who live at home and engage in friendly lovemaking with each other to pass the time. One day...they expand the scope of the intimacy and perform their acts with others.
With that incredibly sweet description and the knowledge that it stars one of the handsome gentleman's favorite "actresses," he decided to tape the program with complete confidence that although it was taped on a public DVR, he would not be caught.
That morning, he was watching an episode of Rescue Me before work when his beautiful wife who had awakened from her deep slumber and jumped straight into the shower and prepared herself for work -- further ensuring his belief that he was not going to be caught -- came downstairs.
At an especially exciting part of the Rescue Me episode, the gorgeous, funny, smart and sensational wife addressed her husband.
"Honey... what is Call Girl Wives about?" she asked.
"Ummm.... " (CRAP!!!), he replied in stunned amazement. "It's... uh... what?" The young man freaked out a bit in his mind as this was the first time that he was discovered in the entire five year relationship with anything of this sort.
"How did you find it?" he asked.
"I couldn't sleep and decided to watch some television at 4 in the morning when I saw that we were taping something," she said.
"Oh... well... it is such a sweet little story I am sure," he said.
"Well, when I watched a bit of it... it sure didn't seem sweet to me," she quickly retorted.
He ... a man who is never at a loss for words... was at a complete loss for words. He was completely busted... so instead of owning it and accepting it, he started to make up excuses for the porn by referring to it as harmelss and soft.
That didn't work either.
In the end... he didn't get in any trouble and yet... he felt so guilty that he never actually watched it... as it wouldn't have been any fun.
Sunday, June 18, 2006
Saturday, June 17, 2006
Ummm... I Bought This Because of the Picture...
I am such a sucker.
I am really looking forward to the two sequels...
Friday, June 16, 2006
Book 28 of 26 -- Marley & Me by John Grogan
Ok! I broke down! I picked up this book about a gentleman and the "World's Worst Dog."
Marley and Me is a sweet sentimental ride about one man's struggle to cope with a dog that he loves very much.
The book follows the life of John Grogan, a journalist and editor, who, with his wife, adopts a cute and energetic Labrador Retriever named Marley.
The stories are horrible to read yet there is a sense of sweetness and kindness about Marley that more than makes up for any of the misdeeds he performs. The story of why/how the wife bonds with him the first time is heart wrenching. You can certainly understand why they might look past some of the dog's horrible features.
Regardless, I can't help but compare this dog to Tucker. We have been tremendously lucky to have a puppy/dog that has been so well behaved. The worst that he has done over the past few months is beg at the dinner table.
Many of the things that Marley did were so destructive and horrible, I am surprised to see that he was left in the house.
Marley and Me is a nice book. Grogan delves a bit too much into the icky parts of a marriage that we all have, but I don't want to read about. I thought it was sweet and sentimental, if not too much at points. I would have liked more dog stories about how Marley touched the lives of the family and his peers.
For the summer or for any dog lover, this is a good read. Think about it!
Marley and Me is a sweet sentimental ride about one man's struggle to cope with a dog that he loves very much.
The book follows the life of John Grogan, a journalist and editor, who, with his wife, adopts a cute and energetic Labrador Retriever named Marley.
The stories are horrible to read yet there is a sense of sweetness and kindness about Marley that more than makes up for any of the misdeeds he performs. The story of why/how the wife bonds with him the first time is heart wrenching. You can certainly understand why they might look past some of the dog's horrible features.
Regardless, I can't help but compare this dog to Tucker. We have been tremendously lucky to have a puppy/dog that has been so well behaved. The worst that he has done over the past few months is beg at the dinner table.
Many of the things that Marley did were so destructive and horrible, I am surprised to see that he was left in the house.
Marley and Me is a nice book. Grogan delves a bit too much into the icky parts of a marriage that we all have, but I don't want to read about. I thought it was sweet and sentimental, if not too much at points. I would have liked more dog stories about how Marley touched the lives of the family and his peers.
For the summer or for any dog lover, this is a good read. Think about it!
Thursday, June 15, 2006
Going To the Dentist -- Perhaps a Change?
I read the Newark Star Ledger pretty much every single day. It provides me with the information that I need to stay informed of New Jersey information and national information. There are also a pair of really great entertainment readers that I really like to read. They seem to have the same interests as me so it makes it easier for me to read them.
Seemingly unrelated… a few weeks ago, I went to a new dentist that replaced my old dentist who recently sold her practice. We liked her since she is close to the home and she had night hours which were easier to get than day hours. Thankfully, the dentist that purchased her practice maintained the same hours so we decided to give him a shot.
He was a bit on the nerdy side, but we both really liked him and we plan on going back to him…
However… I am really debating this now… I was reading an article on a recent Sopranos episode by my favorite entertainment reporters when I came across a seemingly random advertisement. It looks legitimate…
Holy smoly… what a horrible name and now she is sticking things into other people’s holes.
Could she be the greatest dentist ever?
Could she have the most unfortunate name ever?
I wonder what the perks are for going to her…
I guess I’ll never find out…
Poor Lucy Slutsky
Seemingly unrelated… a few weeks ago, I went to a new dentist that replaced my old dentist who recently sold her practice. We liked her since she is close to the home and she had night hours which were easier to get than day hours. Thankfully, the dentist that purchased her practice maintained the same hours so we decided to give him a shot.
He was a bit on the nerdy side, but we both really liked him and we plan on going back to him…
However… I am really debating this now… I was reading an article on a recent Sopranos episode by my favorite entertainment reporters when I came across a seemingly random advertisement. It looks legitimate…
Holy smoly… what a horrible name and now she is sticking things into other people’s holes.
Could she be the greatest dentist ever?
Could she have the most unfortunate name ever?
I wonder what the perks are for going to her…
I guess I’ll never find out…
Poor Lucy Slutsky
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
End of an "Era"... Teacher Anyone?
Oh boy...
I am pretty bummed out right now.
I just got a letter from the place that I teach the highly successful eBay class. "The place" is an Adult Community Education in North Brunsiwck, New Jersey.
I have written about it in the past and I won't bore you with too many details but suffice it to say that I am bummed because the whole program got cancelled.
My class was the only class that was always filled and had a waiting list. I know that half the people that were in my class were people who snuck in because there were always more than 25 people there. One of the classes got to be so large, we had to have a separate class.
I guess that my class was one of the few that did well while the others didn't get the attendance to match the payments out.
It's a shame too... I really enjoyed helping people.
Oh well... anyone else looking for a teacher/tutor?
I am pretty bummed out right now.
I just got a letter from the place that I teach the highly successful eBay class. "The place" is an Adult Community Education in North Brunsiwck, New Jersey.
I have written about it in the past and I won't bore you with too many details but suffice it to say that I am bummed because the whole program got cancelled.
My class was the only class that was always filled and had a waiting list. I know that half the people that were in my class were people who snuck in because there were always more than 25 people there. One of the classes got to be so large, we had to have a separate class.
I guess that my class was one of the few that did well while the others didn't get the attendance to match the payments out.
It's a shame too... I really enjoyed helping people.
Oh well... anyone else looking for a teacher/tutor?
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
Memorial Day Parade
This is Tucker... he's watching the Girl Scouts coming down the street...
In his mind... anything is better than loud marching bands, bagpipes, and fire truck sirens.
In his mind... anything is better than loud marching bands, bagpipes, and fire truck sirens.
9 Year Old With Breasts Riding His Bike
Here is your opportunity to make fun of the people who attend NASCAR races. I was recently at a NASCAR race in Dover, Delaware and I had a fantastic time with my buddy MR. I used to like to take lots of fun pictures of all the obnoxious looking red necks and over all jack asses that we would see.
Over the past four years, I have noticed a shift away from the traditional rednecky type people to a more “Yuppie-ish” group of folks. As the sport gets hipper, so does the clientele.
With that said, we came across this idiot kid that actually stopped his bike to pose for a strange man (me) and his camera at 8:30 at night.)
I asked him old he was and he said that he was 9. Those are fake breasts attached to suspenders and he was biking around the parking lots with this outfit on.
Here are my issues with this situation.
1. The kid has a parent or guardian of some sort who brought him to the event and thought it was alright for the kid to wear them in public.
2. The kid or guardian thought it was alright to purchase the item with actual money.
3. A store thought that the item was good enough to have in stock to sell.
4. A store actually sold the item to the kid.
5. A manufacturer actually promoted this product to stores for further sales.
6. A manufacturer took the time to APPROVE the design and produce the item.
7. Someone was sitting around and thought up this idea and thought it was good enough to shop it around to manufacturers.
It is my thought that almost every single step in this train of thought must have involved beer. At some point in this chain, if beer was removed, I probably wouldn’t be writing about this dopey kid….
However…. God Bless America……. At least he has the right to wear this dopey outfit.
Over the past four years, I have noticed a shift away from the traditional rednecky type people to a more “Yuppie-ish” group of folks. As the sport gets hipper, so does the clientele.
With that said, we came across this idiot kid that actually stopped his bike to pose for a strange man (me) and his camera at 8:30 at night.)
I asked him old he was and he said that he was 9. Those are fake breasts attached to suspenders and he was biking around the parking lots with this outfit on.
Here are my issues with this situation.
1. The kid has a parent or guardian of some sort who brought him to the event and thought it was alright for the kid to wear them in public.
2. The kid or guardian thought it was alright to purchase the item with actual money.
3. A store thought that the item was good enough to have in stock to sell.
4. A store actually sold the item to the kid.
5. A manufacturer actually promoted this product to stores for further sales.
6. A manufacturer took the time to APPROVE the design and produce the item.
7. Someone was sitting around and thought up this idea and thought it was good enough to shop it around to manufacturers.
It is my thought that almost every single step in this train of thought must have involved beer. At some point in this chain, if beer was removed, I probably wouldn’t be writing about this dopey kid….
However…. God Bless America……. At least he has the right to wear this dopey outfit.
Monday, June 12, 2006
Book 27 of 26 -- James Patterson Beach Road
I continue to read.
I continue to fill my precious head with useless mystery books and books that require a bit more thought...
Then... I pick up a James Patterson book.. The latest is Beach Road. He really does seem to put out like 6-7 books a year. I am not kidding... Within a week of Beach Road being released, he put out a children's book which is the second in a series of books about the flying children.
He also has another book already scheduled to be published at the end of July.
He is really the most prolific writer on the market.
His books pretty much follow the same formula. They are almost always around 400 pages and have about 130 chapters in them. There are usually four main sections, a prologue and an epilogue. A mean, nasty man or woman is killing people and there is a race against time to solve the murder. Oh... and someone usually gets laid... almost always the protagonist who usually tells the story in first person. When more action is added, the story follows characters around in third person...
Beach Road follows the basic formula, but Patterson added a twist this time. The story moves between 6 narrators. Each narrator tells their part of the story and all of them use the first person. It was confusing and irritated the hell out of me around page 200 or so.
It isn't a bad book, but I hate having to flip back to see who said what... irritating.
This is PERFECT beach reading. You should finish it in a day or two.
I continue to fill my precious head with useless mystery books and books that require a bit more thought...
Then... I pick up a James Patterson book.. The latest is Beach Road. He really does seem to put out like 6-7 books a year. I am not kidding... Within a week of Beach Road being released, he put out a children's book which is the second in a series of books about the flying children.
He also has another book already scheduled to be published at the end of July.
He is really the most prolific writer on the market.
His books pretty much follow the same formula. They are almost always around 400 pages and have about 130 chapters in them. There are usually four main sections, a prologue and an epilogue. A mean, nasty man or woman is killing people and there is a race against time to solve the murder. Oh... and someone usually gets laid... almost always the protagonist who usually tells the story in first person. When more action is added, the story follows characters around in third person...
Beach Road follows the basic formula, but Patterson added a twist this time. The story moves between 6 narrators. Each narrator tells their part of the story and all of them use the first person. It was confusing and irritated the hell out of me around page 200 or so.
It isn't a bad book, but I hate having to flip back to see who said what... irritating.
This is PERFECT beach reading. You should finish it in a day or two.
Sunday, June 11, 2006
BUTTERCUPS
Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.
Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about
every buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden.....POOF!! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.
She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life: better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life. As a matter of fact,you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!
Then POOF!......she was gone!
After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, "Fred,where are you?"
Fred yells back "I'm over here in the pussy willows."
Dave shouts back, "DON'T SWING, FRED. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!"
Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about
every buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden.....POOF!! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.
She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life: better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life. As a matter of fact,you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!
Then POOF!......she was gone!
After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, "Fred,where are you?"
Fred yells back "I'm over here in the pussy willows."
Dave shouts back, "DON'T SWING, FRED. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!"
Saturday, June 10, 2006
SEVEN KINDS OF SEX
I -----SOCIAL SECURITY SEX
Two men were talking. So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know-I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"
II -----LOUD SEX
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"
III -----QUIET SEX
Tired of a lifeless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"
She looked at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"
IV -----CONFOUNDED SEX
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small," $6,500 for "medium," and $14,000 for "large." The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor. The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".
V ------WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 39th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife-Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: Here Lies My Husband-Stiff At Last."
VI ---NO SEX
My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.
VII ---- OLD SEX
One night an 87 yr old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92 yr. old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor assisted living apartment...killing him instantly. Brought before the court on a charge of murder. The judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense. She said coolly, "Yes, your Honor, I figured that at 92, if he could have sex.....he could fly."
Two men were talking. So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know-I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"
II -----LOUD SEX
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"
III -----QUIET SEX
Tired of a lifeless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"
She looked at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"
IV -----CONFOUNDED SEX
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small," $6,500 for "medium," and $14,000 for "large." The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor. The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".
V ------WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 39th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife-Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: Here Lies My Husband-Stiff At Last."
VI ---NO SEX
My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.
VII ---- OLD SEX
One night an 87 yr old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92 yr. old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor assisted living apartment...killing him instantly. Brought before the court on a charge of murder. The judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense. She said coolly, "Yes, your Honor, I figured that at 92, if he could have sex.....he could fly."
Friday, June 09, 2006
10 Year Anniversary
I was at Rutgers the other day for a work event. I went with a co-worker who I don't share much of personal life with, and we were driving around one of the campusses when she asked me, "Smelmooo, didn't you go to Rutgers?"
I replied, "I did... how come?"
She asked, "When did you graduate, and what is that building over there?"
I was surprised at her new inquisitve side, and I was proud to essentially give her a tour of the campus where I had primarilly spent four years of muh life.
Half way through the trip, I remembered something. I started working about 10 years ago. Tomorrow marks the 10th anniversary of that date and I amazed at just how different of a person I am from that hot June day when I stepped into my first job -- a hell job, but a job that helped define me. Only a few of my readers and especially SZG & MB know exactly where it was that I started and how horrible of a place it could have been.
Getting back to how different I am -- I am not talking about having a wife, dog and a mortgage, but more in terms of personality. I was a bit more optimistic about society and life in general for ignorant reasons. Now, I have a bit more realistic point of view but I am optimistic because of a super wife, dog, and place to live.
I also like my job. I find it frustrating at times, and I get annoyed at certain elements of it, but for the most part, I like my job. I don't dread waking up and going to work. I might dread certain meetings I have to attend, but the job itself? Nope.
I hope that doesn't change as long as I have to work. I would love to win the lottery and never have to work again, but then again... beggars can't be chosers.
So 10 years man... that's a lot... but hey... I got about 30 or more to go?
I replied, "I did... how come?"
She asked, "When did you graduate, and what is that building over there?"
I was surprised at her new inquisitve side, and I was proud to essentially give her a tour of the campus where I had primarilly spent four years of muh life.
Half way through the trip, I remembered something. I started working about 10 years ago. Tomorrow marks the 10th anniversary of that date and I amazed at just how different of a person I am from that hot June day when I stepped into my first job -- a hell job, but a job that helped define me. Only a few of my readers and especially SZG & MB know exactly where it was that I started and how horrible of a place it could have been.
Getting back to how different I am -- I am not talking about having a wife, dog and a mortgage, but more in terms of personality. I was a bit more optimistic about society and life in general for ignorant reasons. Now, I have a bit more realistic point of view but I am optimistic because of a super wife, dog, and place to live.
I also like my job. I find it frustrating at times, and I get annoyed at certain elements of it, but for the most part, I like my job. I don't dread waking up and going to work. I might dread certain meetings I have to attend, but the job itself? Nope.
I hope that doesn't change as long as I have to work. I would love to win the lottery and never have to work again, but then again... beggars can't be chosers.
So 10 years man... that's a lot... but hey... I got about 30 or more to go?
Thursday, June 08, 2006
The Smelmooo at Dover -- Scamming Chicks, Dames and Broads!!!
One of the really cool things about a NASCAR race is that they have an area of "vendors" just giving stuff away to the general public.
If you were to peruse my NASCAR pictures on my pictures page, you will notice a section where my friend and I visited the booths and got our pictures taken with race cars and basically got an up close view of everything.
One of the tactics of these vendors is to hire smoe reasnably attractive women to stand out front and hand stuff out. To be honest, there were about 20 booths and only two of them actually "employed" drop dead gorgeous women. The rest were pretty and fun and paid to make you feel pretty darn important... sound familiar?
At one booth for Garnier hair Products -- the primary sponsor of a car -- they had 3 women styling hair. I was waiting on line for some give away so I got it done. Oh boy... my hair was lovely as anything!
We then moved on to the Royal Crown booth. We signed the usual paperwork and proved that we were 21 or older as we wanted to get a free drink, but were surprised with something else.
They had pretty girls sitting on either side of a throne ... a Royal Crown throne... and they would take your picture for free. Naturally, we got on line as we normally do when it comes to free pictures... let alone pictures with reasonably attractive women.
All these scum bags in front of us got up on the throne and essentially molested these poor girls by drawing them in really tight.... not me... here's how my exchange went down.
Me: "Good morning ladies."
Ladies: "Good morning sexy..."
Me: (Astonished and actually surprised) "Yeah... ok... will you two do me a fun favor?"
Ladies: "Sure, what is it?"
Me: "Will you stick your tongues out at the camera like a five year old would?"
Ladies: "Uh... umm... ok..."
The PICTURE WAS THEN TAKEN... and here it is...
Me: "Thank you so much for this..."
Blonde-ish Lady: "Why did you have us stick out our tongues?"
Me: "Because I am silly and I wanted it to be a silly picture."
Ladies: (With a look of thankfulness that I wasn't some sort of animal killer.) "Awesome! Have a great day sexy..."
Me: "One last thing... will you pretend that the guy behind smells like garbage when you take his picture?"
Ladies: "Nah... he's cute... he gets kissy faces!!!"
He got kissy faces....
If you were to peruse my NASCAR pictures on my pictures page, you will notice a section where my friend and I visited the booths and got our pictures taken with race cars and basically got an up close view of everything.
One of the tactics of these vendors is to hire smoe reasnably attractive women to stand out front and hand stuff out. To be honest, there were about 20 booths and only two of them actually "employed" drop dead gorgeous women. The rest were pretty and fun and paid to make you feel pretty darn important... sound familiar?
At one booth for Garnier hair Products -- the primary sponsor of a car -- they had 3 women styling hair. I was waiting on line for some give away so I got it done. Oh boy... my hair was lovely as anything!
We then moved on to the Royal Crown booth. We signed the usual paperwork and proved that we were 21 or older as we wanted to get a free drink, but were surprised with something else.
They had pretty girls sitting on either side of a throne ... a Royal Crown throne... and they would take your picture for free. Naturally, we got on line as we normally do when it comes to free pictures... let alone pictures with reasonably attractive women.
All these scum bags in front of us got up on the throne and essentially molested these poor girls by drawing them in really tight.... not me... here's how my exchange went down.
Me: "Good morning ladies."
Ladies: "Good morning sexy..."
Me: (Astonished and actually surprised) "Yeah... ok... will you two do me a fun favor?"
Ladies: "Sure, what is it?"
Me: "Will you stick your tongues out at the camera like a five year old would?"
Ladies: "Uh... umm... ok..."
The PICTURE WAS THEN TAKEN... and here it is...
Me: "Thank you so much for this..."
Blonde-ish Lady: "Why did you have us stick out our tongues?"
Me: "Because I am silly and I wanted it to be a silly picture."
Ladies: (With a look of thankfulness that I wasn't some sort of animal killer.) "Awesome! Have a great day sexy..."
Me: "One last thing... will you pretend that the guy behind smells like garbage when you take his picture?"
Ladies: "Nah... he's cute... he gets kissy faces!!!"
He got kissy faces....
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
BOOK 26 of 26 -- A Dirty Job by Chris Moore
My goal has been reached and I reached it much ... um... quicker than I ever anticipated. I have read 26 books in five months time. In fact, as I sit to write this review, I have almost read 2 more.
I saved A Dirty Job by my new favorite author Chirs Moore to be my 26th book. I have had it for a couple of months and have waited to have it be THE book to finish my initial goal.
Chris Moore is perhaps the best satirist on the market today. His books make me laugh out loud when I read them. His titles are the most amazing titles on the market. Some include:
The Lust Lizard of Melancholy Cove
Island of the Sequined Love Nun
Bloodsucking Fiends
How can you not like a guy like this? you can tell right away that you are in for a ride.
That's why... I was a bit concerned with the title of his latest book -- A Dirty Job.
BOOOORRRINNNGGG... but the book wasn't. I am not going to sit here and say that this was his best book. No... that will be reserved for LAMB: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal, but A Dirty Job is a nice diversion from the regular world of novels and fiction.
Moore has one of the best weird sense of humors out there. It would be a shame for you to have never read a Chris Moore book...
A Dirty Shame....
I saved A Dirty Job by my new favorite author Chirs Moore to be my 26th book. I have had it for a couple of months and have waited to have it be THE book to finish my initial goal.
Chris Moore is perhaps the best satirist on the market today. His books make me laugh out loud when I read them. His titles are the most amazing titles on the market. Some include:
The Lust Lizard of Melancholy Cove
Island of the Sequined Love Nun
Bloodsucking Fiends
How can you not like a guy like this? you can tell right away that you are in for a ride.
That's why... I was a bit concerned with the title of his latest book -- A Dirty Job.
BOOOORRRINNNGGG... but the book wasn't. I am not going to sit here and say that this was his best book. No... that will be reserved for LAMB: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal, but A Dirty Job is a nice diversion from the regular world of novels and fiction.
Moore has one of the best weird sense of humors out there. It would be a shame for you to have never read a Chris Moore book...
A Dirty Shame....
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
High Fidelity -- THE MUSICAL?
Rumor has it that my favorite book -- High Fidelity by Nick Hornby -- that was turned into a successful feature motion picture is being turned into a Broadway musical...
WOW.... I hope not.
WOW.... I hope not.
Sand Blasters: The Extreme Sand-Sculpting Championship
Late one Memorial Day Weekend evening, muh wife and I were suffering through some humid weather -- not wanting to admit that we probably wanted to turn on the air conditioning... when my pudgy fingers came across one of the most exciting shows on television.
There were dynamic personalities...
There were bank robbers....
There were chicks in bikinis...
And... most importantly... there were explosions!!!!
What was this incredible display of super duper awesomeness... you may ask?
It was.... Sand Blasters: The Extreme Sand-Sculpting Championship!
I'm not kidding folks...
How do I describe this?... SAND BLASTERS turns sand sculpting into a major competitive television event -- one with an interesting twist. Eight teams comprised of two world-class sand sculptors each potentially have up to eleven hours to create a sand masterpiece. In addition to the usual challenges the sculptors face -- time limits, weather and sand quality -- one more obstacle must be overcome before any of these teams have a chance at winning a share of the $15,000 prize money - explosives! Periodically, through random selection, one of these works-in-progress is blown-up and the sculptors must start from scratch with whatever time they have left. It is a race to the finish to see which team can overcome the odds and beat out the competition.
The announcers (Chris McGee of vollyeball announcing fame and Vanessa Vander Pluym over hyped and over announced every single bit of this competition. And... we bought every second of it. It was truly a super fun show.
Of the eight teams, five of their works were blown up using real explosives. One of the best parts of the explosions were watching the faces and castles keeping their shape just a split second longer than the rest of the heap. It was even more fun when it was shown in Sllloooooowwww...mmmooooooootttion.....
For some video... as a "preview" of sorts... check out this video..
Enjoy this video... because...as hard as I tried... I just couldn't find a set of pictures from the event...
One of the most amazing things about the event was the detail and dedication that these people put into their work. I would be simply amazed if what they created was a real statue... let alone one made from the elements of a beach.
Sure...the carvers were geeks or a bit on the artsy side... but this show was a "blast" and I am glad that we found it...
Oh yeah... here's the embarassing tidbit.... we were so tired... that we taped the second hour of it so we could see who won....
I wanna blow stuff up... I really do...in a controlled fashion of course!
There were dynamic personalities...
There were bank robbers....
There were chicks in bikinis...
And... most importantly... there were explosions!!!!
What was this incredible display of super duper awesomeness... you may ask?
It was.... Sand Blasters: The Extreme Sand-Sculpting Championship!
I'm not kidding folks...
How do I describe this?... SAND BLASTERS turns sand sculpting into a major competitive television event -- one with an interesting twist. Eight teams comprised of two world-class sand sculptors each potentially have up to eleven hours to create a sand masterpiece. In addition to the usual challenges the sculptors face -- time limits, weather and sand quality -- one more obstacle must be overcome before any of these teams have a chance at winning a share of the $15,000 prize money - explosives! Periodically, through random selection, one of these works-in-progress is blown-up and the sculptors must start from scratch with whatever time they have left. It is a race to the finish to see which team can overcome the odds and beat out the competition.
The announcers (Chris McGee of vollyeball announcing fame and Vanessa Vander Pluym over hyped and over announced every single bit of this competition. And... we bought every second of it. It was truly a super fun show.
Of the eight teams, five of their works were blown up using real explosives. One of the best parts of the explosions were watching the faces and castles keeping their shape just a split second longer than the rest of the heap. It was even more fun when it was shown in Sllloooooowwww...mmmooooooootttion.....
For some video... as a "preview" of sorts... check out this video..
Enjoy this video... because...as hard as I tried... I just couldn't find a set of pictures from the event...
One of the most amazing things about the event was the detail and dedication that these people put into their work. I would be simply amazed if what they created was a real statue... let alone one made from the elements of a beach.
Sure...the carvers were geeks or a bit on the artsy side... but this show was a "blast" and I am glad that we found it...
Oh yeah... here's the embarassing tidbit.... we were so tired... that we taped the second hour of it so we could see who won....
I wanna blow stuff up... I really do...in a controlled fashion of course!
Monday, June 05, 2006
West Virgina Restroom
I have always heard that West Virginia is a bit backwards but I was surprised at how beautiful it was when we drove through it last month.
HOWEVER.... when we stopped to go to the bathroom at a major rest stop, I was shocked to see this.
There were NO urinals anywhere in the men's room.
Just 15 or so stalls and 15 or so sinks...
I also don't think that guy liked it when I took the picture... he probably thought I was one of dem dang New Joisey homos...
Ummm...
Weird...
HOWEVER.... when we stopped to go to the bathroom at a major rest stop, I was shocked to see this.
There were NO urinals anywhere in the men's room.
Just 15 or so stalls and 15 or so sinks...
I also don't think that guy liked it when I took the picture... he probably thought I was one of dem dang New Joisey homos...
Ummm...
Weird...
Sunday, June 04, 2006
Saturday, June 03, 2006
Friday, June 02, 2006
Inn at Vaucluse Springs -- What a Place!
A few years ago, muh wife and I wanted to get far away from the world of New Jersey and try our luck at a Bed & Breakfast or Inn since neither of us had ever really been to one before.
Through some research that involved grilling people in Washington, D.C. and Virginia, we finally discovered The Inn at Vaucluse Springs in Stephens City, Virginia.
We looked at the pictures on the web and read descriptions of it by others on such web sites as TripAdvisor and decided that we would make the trek down. We were treated to one of the prettiest and remote places we have ever been and it's owned and run by a really nice couple named Neil and Barry.
The Inn is an old farmstead that has been converted to several buildings of rooms. There are about 15 rooms and each room is made to feel unique.
What is different about the place from other bed and breakfasts is that 1/2 of the rooms are in separate buildings and feel almost as though they could be cabins. We chose a room where we would only run into one other set of guests. Each room also has its own bathroom, which is unique from what I gather.
We had such a nice time last time that we decided to stay again. They make you feel so much at home and take the time to get to know you. It is truly a magical expericince each time we go.
One of the major reasons to go to the Inn is the meals. Neil is a tremendous cook and she takes great care in preparing items that neither muh wife or I would eat on any other given day. They also take care to discover your likes and dislikes so that they can slightly alter the meal to your liking. The dinners are "extra" and you pay for them per person, but the breakfasts are included in the price of the room.
We completely recommend anyone going. My favorite breakfast was a croissant that was "french toasted." I was given this special meal since the main french toast meal contained almond cream cheese. I never had to say a word this second time around... they had it saved from last time.
The inn is located near the famous Skyline Drive (of Appalachin Trail -- AT fame) and each of the two times we went, we went on a fantastic hike through the wilderness of the Drive. This trip adds to the beauty of the entire trip and is an absolute necessity for any traveller to the area.
Sooo... our time at the inn eventually came to a close after a beautiful weekend with perfect weather... and we headed on home on our 4.5 hour drive...
Before we left though... Tangent Woman had to make sure to feed the hippo...
Through some research that involved grilling people in Washington, D.C. and Virginia, we finally discovered The Inn at Vaucluse Springs in Stephens City, Virginia.
We looked at the pictures on the web and read descriptions of it by others on such web sites as TripAdvisor and decided that we would make the trek down. We were treated to one of the prettiest and remote places we have ever been and it's owned and run by a really nice couple named Neil and Barry.
The Inn is an old farmstead that has been converted to several buildings of rooms. There are about 15 rooms and each room is made to feel unique.
What is different about the place from other bed and breakfasts is that 1/2 of the rooms are in separate buildings and feel almost as though they could be cabins. We chose a room where we would only run into one other set of guests. Each room also has its own bathroom, which is unique from what I gather.
We had such a nice time last time that we decided to stay again. They make you feel so much at home and take the time to get to know you. It is truly a magical expericince each time we go.
One of the major reasons to go to the Inn is the meals. Neil is a tremendous cook and she takes great care in preparing items that neither muh wife or I would eat on any other given day. They also take care to discover your likes and dislikes so that they can slightly alter the meal to your liking. The dinners are "extra" and you pay for them per person, but the breakfasts are included in the price of the room.
We completely recommend anyone going. My favorite breakfast was a croissant that was "french toasted." I was given this special meal since the main french toast meal contained almond cream cheese. I never had to say a word this second time around... they had it saved from last time.
The inn is located near the famous Skyline Drive (of Appalachin Trail -- AT fame) and each of the two times we went, we went on a fantastic hike through the wilderness of the Drive. This trip adds to the beauty of the entire trip and is an absolute necessity for any traveller to the area.
Sooo... our time at the inn eventually came to a close after a beautiful weekend with perfect weather... and we headed on home on our 4.5 hour drive...
Before we left though... Tangent Woman had to make sure to feed the hippo...
Thursday, June 01, 2006
R.I.P. -- The Big Blue Buick
It is with great sadness that I report to you that late last month, I officially retired the Big Blue Buick to the world of used car lots.
No more occassional moaning from the brakes.... that three repair shops couldn't figure out the cause of...
No more occassional squeaking in the brakes...that the same repair shops failed to identify....
No more looking like an old man driving erraticly down route 1 and the New Jersey Turnpike....
No more thinking about what my AARP benefits were going to be even though I am just a 32 year old man....
I am sort of sad to see this end of an era... pretty sad indeed. I have been driving the old man type of car for five years now... and now... I have moved on to the Ford Escape. It is a suitable replacement and I will treat it well.
Long story short... now that I am in charge, I am now in charge of vehicle purchasing... I am also not getting the hand me down cars anymore so I get the new car...
This year ... I was tired of the old man cars and switched over to a nice looking Ford Escape...it's an SUV... and it looks like this:
Ahhh..... the memories and the smell of a new car are an amazing thing....
No more occassional moaning from the brakes.... that three repair shops couldn't figure out the cause of...
No more occassional squeaking in the brakes...that the same repair shops failed to identify....
No more looking like an old man driving erraticly down route 1 and the New Jersey Turnpike....
No more thinking about what my AARP benefits were going to be even though I am just a 32 year old man....
I am sort of sad to see this end of an era... pretty sad indeed. I have been driving the old man type of car for five years now... and now... I have moved on to the Ford Escape. It is a suitable replacement and I will treat it well.
Long story short... now that I am in charge, I am now in charge of vehicle purchasing... I am also not getting the hand me down cars anymore so I get the new car...
This year ... I was tired of the old man cars and switched over to a nice looking Ford Escape...it's an SUV... and it looks like this:
Ahhh..... the memories and the smell of a new car are an amazing thing....
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