Dancing WIth the Stars is Back! First Episode.

We start off with 13 stars -- more than any other year... and for the first time... they will have to learn TWO dances for the first week... WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Let's meet the stars of season 7. (Cue crazy music and they are coming out so fast, that I don't have any intention of typing all of their names into it... ) Let me just type something that I know you are all thinking... Samantha is gorgeous and so is Edyta.

First up is Cody Linley & my girlfriend Julianne Hough. The Hannah Montana crowd is all cued up for the HM star and we get to meet the 18 year old kid get all horny for Julianne Hough as he learns to dance. They have to dance the Cha Cha first. Julianne's outfit is from the Edyta Sliwinski's closet... as it barely hangs on her body and shows off her legs and back. For a first dance, I am pretty impressed. The judges think they did good for the first week. (Scores 6, 6, 6 -- for a total of 18)

Next up is Rocco DiSpirito & Karina Smirnoff. HE's a chef, but the more interesting aspect of them is that Karina hurt herself in rehearsal, but she has decided to dance anyway. Rocco is an interesting character who is either incredibly humbe and charming or a complete total. They are dancing the Foxtrot and I think his smile in infectious even if his dancing is a tad awkward (still better than I would do!) The judges hated them but thought it was cute. (Scores 5, 4, 5 -- for a total of 14)

Toni Braxton & Alec Mazo are up third. Alec is a bit "arrogant" and I am impressed with Toni's getting over her recently diagnosed angina. She is a performer so she already has a leg up on her competitors. (Is it ironic that the worst singing performance is during the singer's dance? -- Discuss amongst yourselves.) Her dance seems cute and somehat stilted to me. Carrie loved it. (Scores 7, 7, 8 -- for a total of 22)

Maurice Greene & Cheryl Burke dance fourth. Maurice quickly establishes himself as an antagonist with a good sense of humor and a GIANT smile. The editors are going to have a field day with him. He is full of cliches so far though. They are dancing the Fox Trot. The dance is INCREDIBLY Stiff and lacks life for an energeting fellow.... then it picks up... then... slows down... PICK ONE!!! The judges weren't that fond AND fond. (Scores 6, 6, 6 -- for a total of 18)

Brooke Burke & Derek Hough -- the cutest couple on the show. I learned something about Brooke -- she's a mother of four and she still has that phenomenal body. Oh wait... she's gotta dance now... Both TW and I had to get past that... She dances a lovely Cha Cha... She could have face planted... I still would have said it was lovely... ALRIGHT?!?!?!?! The audience reaction was phenomenally loud. The judges liked it too. (Scores 7, 8, 8 -- for a total of 23)

Ted McGinley & Inna Brayer are up sixth. This show has officially JUMPED THE SHARK! If you know what I mean... then congrats... if you don't... check out the web page. Ted's handsome and charming and a bit too much so. Inna is a tough girl from Brooklyn. Eh... it was fine. (Scores 6, 6, 6 -- for a total of 18)

Lance Bass & Lacey Schwimmer are up and Lacey has a bit of edge... or so she likes to think. Lacey does a lot of things that to me would be inappropriate as she teaches... but I think... and somewhat fairly that since Lance is gay, she can get away with a bit more. I am probably wrong though... and her outfit is a bit over the top. Oh goodie... Len hates young people again... and Carrie thinks it's hot. (Scores 8, 6, 8 -- for a total of 22)

Cloris Leachman & Corky Ballas are up next are up and I am SOOOOOO looking forward to her after just seeing her on the roast of Bob Saget. Corky Ballas is the father of Mark Ballas from last year. Cloris is 82 and filthy. I adore her... even though her 82 year old boobs are all out and about for all to look at Not horrible and not great. Her attitude and humor will keep her around. She got editted... and she is acting all sexy for laughs... See? I love her. (Scores 6, 5, 5 -- for a total of 15)

I just looked at the MOnday Night Football score... two of them in a row with over 40 points in the first half... WOW.

Jeffrey Ross & Edyta Sliwinski Dance next. I have loved Jeffrey Ross for years as he is a great roaster. He scractched his cornea earlier in the day and is still going to dance. He is a stand up comedian. He has a "heart of gold and loves onion rings" so he will dance a great Cha Cha... His dancing is horrible, but I hope they keep around just for the laughs... That onion rings line was hilarious and I don't think he is long for this competition. The judges don't seem too either. (Scores 4, 4, 4-- for a total of 12)

Kim Kardashian & Mark Ballas are up. Easily... the couple I am going to hate. Kim is best known for being a "reality tv" star. I thought she was known for being in a sex tape (Shout out to Joel McHale.) I also hate Mark Ballas... Suck it guys. Let's go for the easy ones... She "has terrible balance"... it's because you have a huge ass. She's dancing a Foxtrot...... blech... I hate her and how she has ruined the good image of Bruce Jenner... you sex tape whooo-or. The crowd is friendly to her. (Scores 6, 7, 6 -- for a total of 19)

Susan Lucci & Tony Dovolani are up. He seems to always draw the endearing old lady. She is incredibly annoying to me. She is also incredibly small and I didn't realize she was that small. It starts off a lot clumsy and slow. She's an absolute mess... and is horrible. The judges treated her a bit too frail. She needs to take a baseball bat to the face though... especially when she acts way too young with Bruno... (Scores 5, 5, 5 -- for a total of 15)

Did anyone else notice how Samantha is still really toned in the arms, but not as muscley?

Misty May Traenor & Maksim Chmerkovsky are second to last and something is bugging me about her. I still think it goes back to letting the do do brain President smack her ass. I can't get over that. make up is her friend... even glitter make up. The judges think they are intense. (Scores 6, 8, 7 -- for a total of 21)

Warren Sapp & Kym Johnson are up. I have to both like and hate Sapp since he beat the Bucs beat my beloved Raiders in teh Super BOwl, but then he played with them for a few years after that. Warren has always been charismatic and he is still. His dance was... entertaining and I like Kym.... and her choreography since it is almost always fun and cute. I really liked the last move. (Scores 7, 7, 7 - for a total of 21)

Let's review the scores.... better vote because someone is going home tomorrow! The remining dancers all have to dance one more time for ANOTHER elimination on Wednesday night!

Brooke Burke & Derek Hough -- 23
Lance Bass & Lacey Schwimmer -- 22
Toni Braxton & Alec Mazo -- 22
Misty May Traenor & Maksim Chmerkovsky -- 21
Warren Sapp & Kym Johnson -- 21
Kim Kardashian & Mark Ballas -- 19
Maurice Greene & Cheryl Burke -- 18
Cody Linley & Julianne Hough -- 18
Ted McGinley & Inna Brayer -- 18
Cloris Leachman & Corky Ballas -- 15
Susan Lucci & Tony Dovolani -- 15
Rocco DiSpirito & Karina Smirnof -- 14
Jeffrey Ross & Edyta Sliwinski -- 12