Dancing With the Stars -- Week Two, Dances Episode

So here we are.... LLLLLLLIIIIIIIIIIIIVVVVVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Rhumba and Paso Doble are up this week and we get to see if they can do their dances with just four days of training! (Note my sarcasm...) The parade of stars comes down the stairs and holy crap... It looks like an S&M convention.

Toni Braxton & Alec Mazo are up first and Toni makes Alec do Karoake... and go figure... he sucks at it... So they start dancing again and Toni is feeling the pressure of the young ladies on the show and wears an even more revealing outfit than Edyta would wear. Let me just say this... "She's an outtie." They are dancing a beautiful Rhumba and Alec has her doing all these splits. Len loves her dancing. As does Bruno, but Carrie points out the lifts -- two of them. (Scores 7, 8, 8 - for a total of 23)

Brooke Burke & Derek Hough are up second and we review her good scores... Her biggest detriment is Derek. She is going to find her inner passion and aggression and dance the Paso Doble. Derek takes her to learn karate from what looks like a stereotypical drunk Irishman. Fascinating. Cleavage! Everyone is doing it... even the guys. The music is really fantastic because there is no singing... During the dips... the boobs were falling out. I liked it a lot... even though it was definitely a Derek dance... The judges all liked it for the most part... but found some faults... I am expecting 8s. (Scores 8, 8, 8 - for a total of 24)

FYI -- Have I ever mentioned that I dislike this band tremendously?

Rocco DiSpirito & Karina Smirnof bring their "hips of fury" third and seemingly charming AND boring at the same time.. Rocco reminds me that he has lots of emotions... Really? I seriously would not have guessed that. Rocco cooks for Karina and you can see her melting ... melting... (catch my drift? It's a play on words) Oh crap... the starts the dance with a tray, apron and glitter... Len will hate that... AND... its the Rhumba. Blech... he fake fed her glitter! Ick. The judges will be brutal. "The Stallion has run out of juice." Thank you Bruno for being rather accurate. -- (Scores 5, 6, 5 - for a total of 16)

P.S. I hate the word "musicality".

Lance Bass and Lacey Schwimmer gross me out into fourth... since I am not digging Lacey at all. They are not going to do something traditional. Fascinatingly interesting. Lance said that if you don't like his dance America... he is going to cry. So... it starts and it is completely unorthodox. It's pretty rigid and I think I am supposed to love Lacey's obvious tribute to her physique since it is all about worshipping her. Then... at the end.. Lacey makes out with Lance. I think I just figured it out. The song they danced to was... "I Kissed A Girl." Go ahead.. groan. Argh... Len hated it. Carrie and Bruno were not that flattering either. -- (Scores 7, 6, 7 - for a total of 20)

FYI -- Samantha should wear just purple and browns.

Kim Kardashian & Mark Ballas are up fifth. Crap. SHE IS NOT A REALITY STAR! SHE IS FAMOUS FOR HAVING SEX ON A TAPE AND YOU AMERICA KEEP ENCOURAGING HER. FRIGGING VOTE HER ASS OFF THIS SHOW. I CANNOT EVEN THINK RIGHT NOW. AMERICA IS MAKING ME MAD... 1. GAVE GEORGE BUSH A SECOND TERM. 2. KIM KARDASHIAN's SHOW IS ON LIKE HER 50TH SEASON. Kim is friends with the creator of the Pussycat Dolls.... ARGH... DAMMIT... RHUMBA BE DAMNED. To prove my point... her first move is to get on her knees and put her face in Mark's crotch. Bruno hates it. Len hates it. Carrie hates it. I hate it. LA hates it. TW hates it. We all hate it. -- (Scores 6, 6, 5 - for a total of 17)

FYI -- It was so bad that we had to take a How I Met Your Mother break...

Misty May Traenor & Maksim Chmerkovsky aka Dead Eyes and Creepy Immigrant dance for us and we get some footage of Misty playing volleyball. Maks is going to cut to the chase and be his usual dickface self. Misty is frustrated and I bet she comes out on top. So they come out to dance and it's a frigging S&M show. Misty looks rigid and I would say that she looks completely out of place with her costume and is upset to have to listen to this atrocious rendition of Take Me Out. Tentative... that's a better word TW. Thank you. Hrm... Carrie liked it. Bruno did too. -- (Scores 7, 7, 7 - for a total of 21)

FYI -- Samantha is just atrocious at her backstage interviews... seriously.

Maurice Greene & Cheryl Burke was described by Tom as being slow out of the blocks. Puns are the best form of joke... ever. Maurice likes to do the Rhumba... and Cheryl is focussing a bit oo much on Maurice's hips... but.. he can't so she takes him to look at some professionals. Maurice is hamming it up way too much for the camera and it is pretty annoying. (Please vote him out next week.) He hasn't even danced yet! It was fine and nice... but boring. Len said it right. "You talk the talk, but you don't dance the dance....... Not bad." They even criticized Cheryl! -- (Scores 7, 6, 6 - for a total of 19)

FYI -- Even I feel awkward when Bruno says things truthfully and the audience blanks. I actually feel more sorry for him than awkward.

Cloris Leachman & Corky Ballas are prepared to turn the ballroom upside down. Before they even start I am treated to the worst outfit on DWTS' history. She claims that she is going to get serious. This is not a joke, so I am feeling less inclined to like her, but... I do enjoy her. She has 1 million tons of costume on for the Paso Doble... I give her a slight pass for her age and it is a dance of passion... but Corky is doing all of the work. I don't expect very high technical scores at all. She is just having so much fun though and plays up to the crowd. -- (Scores 5, 5, 5 - for a total of 15)

FYI -- No one can get their stories straight. Did they have three or four days to prepare.

Susan Lucci & Tony Dovolani dance next and I am annoyed just thinking about her. She arrives at All My Children and looks emaciated... and Cameron Matheson is on... again. I remembered hating him and liking him by the end. Tony Dovolani is such a nice person and patient with this insane woman. Susan Lucci's outfit is reminicent of the elf outfits from Lord of the Rings and I remain annoyed... (OK America... please vote her off next week instead of Maurice.) Carrie thought it was nice and Tony thought it was just ok. Len criticized Tony's open shirt for the whole dance and Tom looks uncomfortable, but mocks len anyway. -- (Scores 7, 7, 7 - for a total of 21)

FYI -- I am so excited... Samantha Who? returns in two weeks!

Warren Sapp & Kym Johnson are up and Tom throws out way too many footbal analogies. They are going to do the Paso Doble and Kym looks intense and is scary looking and awesome at the same time. Kym is tougher on him than normal... yeah yeah yeah... he can't laugh ... So they come out in leathery type outfits that is something out of the Matrix and I thought it was fun... even with him slipping a little at the end. Len likes it! Carrie loves it... and Bruno explodes in fun! -- (Scores 8, 8, 8 - for a total of 24)

FYI -- I am so glad that I have opposable thumbs.

Cody Linley & Julianne Hough are up last and Cody reminds me of a pre-schooler... Cody has to dance the Rhumba, which he claims is romantic and passionate... and is right when he admits that he doesn't have too much life experience. With that said... Julianne has chosen a great dance for him. They do really well... and he better get good scores even though I just think he is pretty bleh as a personality... mostly because he is so young. -- (Scores 7, 7, 7 - for a total of 21)

Just to remind you... of tonight's scores...

Brooke Burke & Derek Hough -- 24
Warren Sapp & Kym Johnson -- 24
Toni Braxton & Alec Mazo -- 23
Cody Linley & Julianne Hough -- 21
Misty May Traenor & Maksim Chmerkovsky -- 21
Susan Lucci & Tony Dovolani -- 21
Lance Bass and Lacey Schwimmer -- 20
Kim Kardashian & Mark Ballas -- 17
Maurice Greene & Cheryl Burke -- 17
Rocco DiSpirito & Karina Smirnof -- 16
Cloris Leachman & Corky Ballas -- 15