I USED TO PLAY SOCCER

I USED TO PLAY SOCCER

Muh honey and I went on an adventure last night. We decided to tough it out and go see the number 12 ranked Rutgers soccer team take on their cross state rivals the Monmouth Something Or Others. We left the house in a slight drizzle and drove straight into some ominous clouds to watch the game. We went armed with towels, rain gear and a pair of huge golf umbrellas.

The perfume spray of Frances made the early evening interesting as a persisitent drizzle continued to fall making the game only mildly irritating for a portion of the game. Eventually, the rain stopped and we just sort of sat around big wet spots for the inspiring game.

I gotta be honest. It wasn't the best soccer as Rutgers was obviously playing down to the level of their mediocre opponents but amazingly enough, it brought about some great memories of soccer as a kid.

Soccer was my primary sport as a kid. I loved running around for hours on end kicking the ball and scoring goals. As an averaged sized kid, I quickly learned to build up my legs in order to compete. I learned how to beat other players to the ball and use my intelligence to intimidate the other players. I was a team leader and enjoyed the role I played.

I remember one story where I was in charge of covering this one punk kid from Kingwood. He was the team's star player and I was a good defensive player. I was especially good at getting into the heads of my opponents (more on that later) and this kid was not treated any differently. I never once directly insulted or cracked on another player or his mother, but there were ways to get them upset. The kid scored no goals the whole game and was noticably upset when the game ended. In the spirit of sportsmanship, we slapped hands in the "good game... good game... good game... " line. After about 5 more slaps and "good games" is when I felt the fist to the back of the head. Before I even had the chance to turn around and get even, he was pulled off the field and admonished. He was baneed for at least a game and their team lost the next game too. For those of you that wonder if I can get under your skin... go ahead... try me.

Getting under the skin is an easy task. Here are some suggestions for your kids if you want them to dominate on the field.

1. Cheer. Don't just cheer when your team does something right. Cheer the other team for when they screw up. It is important to direct your exuberance at the individual that committed the error. For example, if a defensive player errantly passes the ball to one of your players... run by the guy, pat him on the ass, and tell him what a tremendous pass that was. I always liked to add a secondary comment about how much of a help he was for my team and if he wanted to, I could get him his own uniform.

2. Fall down poorly... a lot. Nothing irritates an opposing player more than a guy that fakes an injury or foul -- especially if a penalty is called on that fella. If you fall down enough, you are bound to get at least one call that goes your way. BUT HERE IS THE CAVEAT! Never fall down unless you are out of the play! Do not expose the team to a weakness just for your show boating.

3. Buy some SPREE CANDY. What? Spree Candy? Those tasty candies that were slightly sour? That's right. Buy them for the red ones. When you eat a red Spree, the sugar creates a gooey type of spit in your mouth. This was often confused for blood -- especially when I pulled one of those falling down moves. Spit some red out in front of the ref and say something like... That kid hit me. Watch the results. ;-) Trust me.

I eventually gave up soccer as I was beginning my junior year in high school. I couldn't play any more because I had lost interest in it and because of something I did. I kicked a ball square into the face of a another kid. It wasn't on purpose or anything..it was just a result of a scrimmage and he jumped and the ball went high... and they connected. His nose immediately shattered and blood was everywhere. It is still an image I can play slowly in my head.. some fourteen years later.

Eh... soccer is great. Maybe I should try to find some adult league around here. That might be fun.

Anyone else play soccer?