At the Drive In Movie Theater....Muh Wife's First Time

Before recently, I have been to a Drive In Theater twice in my life. I was very young and there used to be one in the town that I grew up -- Ringoes, NJ. I have some very fond memories of the place where... half of which are my actual memories and half of which are combined with the images of the drive in ending of Pee Wee's Big Adventure.

One of the memories that comes up every few months with my mother is that the family went to see the Empire Strikes Back and the second movie was Aliens. Everyone but her fell asleep for this second movie and my mom still cringes to this day about the John Hurt moment when the alien blasted out of his gut. It is my impression that my mother didn't know what the movie was about when she saw that.

It soon closed after that as have every single drive in in the state of New Jersey. Of the 2000+ active drive ins in the country there are ZERO in New Jersey.

I must say... that if there was a drive in in New Jersey, I can guarantee that I would go ... a lot. I don't have to deal with jack asses on cell phones and I can recline my seat. It would be heaven.

Muh wife, however, didn't have any of these memories growing up so when we found out that there was going to be a drive in theater around the corner from an inn we were staying at while on a mini vacation, she was super excited. We planned on going there for over a month.



We pulled up about 20 minutes before show time and were offered a choice of two double headers. #1 -- RV with Robin Williams and Benchwarmers or #2 Ice Age 2 and Aquamarine. We weren't really thrilled with any of them, but we chose screen 1 since I wanted to see Benchwarmers and figured that RV couldn't be all that bad.

We pulled up and parked and tested out our speaker.



Everything worked great in the Big Blue Buick... but we got a bit scared when our next door neighbors started dropping the F Bomb and calling another car's driver by other derogatory names. You see... when you are in Virginia and you go to a drive in, the clientele is a bit suspect. Well...this pair of "mothers"...had much more bark than bite, and we settled into the car for the double feature after getting a huge tub of popcorn.



Muh wife wants to go again... and so do I ... When we do go though... we are going to have to copy another family a couple of cars down. The three of them were sitting in the back of the car and they were eating pizza... ahhh... fun!

I don't know if it was the location or the new experience, but we enjoyed both flicks... Benchwarmers much more...

I think we need to find the closest drive in to us and make a road trip out of it.

Final Top Five Tuesday....EVER!!!!!!!!

It is with great sorrow that I am announcing that this will be the final installment of Top Five Tuesday as a regular feature.

I just find it hard to be creative with this feature any more...

I am not going to say that it will be the last one ever, but I will be trying to write some other stuff this summer.

Top Five Reasons Why I Liked Top Five Tuesday
1. It helped me pick up chicks.
2. I could cure diseases with my talent.
3. Celebrities wanted to be featured and would be muh friend if I did.
4. Tucker told me that I was the coolest dad in the world for doing it!
5. Muh wife dug it....

Thanks!!!

Happy Birfday...to the Smelmooo's Mum

She is 25 today.

:)

Happy Memorial Day.... E-Mail From God

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So God called one of
the angels and sent the angel to Earth.

When she returned, she told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not."

God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion."

So God called another angel and sent him to earth for a time too. When the angel returned he went to God and said,
"Yes, it's true The earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good."

God was not pleased so he decided to e-mail the 5% who were being good, because he wanted to encourage them...give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what the e-mail said?

Okay, just wondering;

I didn't get one either.

Men's Restroom Gets a Mural on the Wall

We all know that women have been held back and underpaid in the workplace.? Edge designs is an all women run company that designs interior office space. They had a recent opportunity to do an office project in NYC. The client allowed the women of this company a free hand in all design aspects.The client was a company that was also run by all women execs.............The result............well.......


We all know that men never talk ...never look at each other....and never laugh much in the restroom....The men's room is a serious and quiet place............But now ..with the addition of one mural on the wall......


Let's just say the men's restroom is a place of laughter and smiles..

NEVER ARGUE WITH A WOMAN

One morning, a husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, his wife decides to take their boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, and takes out her book.

Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says,
"Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies (thinking, "Isn't it obvious?!")
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, Officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I! Haven't touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I k now, you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day, ma'am," he said...and quickly left.

MORAL OF STORY:
NEVER ARGUE WITH A WOMAN WHO READS.
IT'S LIKELY SHE CAN ALSO THINK.

Two Full Years of Blogging

I am simply amazed at how truly awesome I am at this.

I hope I have made you giggle about half as much as I have made muhself giggle.

Peace out.

Book 25 or 26 -- The Jury by Steve Martini

I have been taking a bit of a small hiatus from reading since I am way ahead of schedule, but I decided to pick up the next Steve Martini book -- The Jury.

The Jury follows the travails of the Steve Martini character Paul Madriani that I love so much. Something about this character makes me feel so at home with him...as though I would hang out with him... yet... would want him to represent me if I was ever on death row for any reason.



Anyway... it is one of Martini's shorter books and I was surprised. Normally, his books start with drama... and then the Madriani character is called in to represent whomever is falsely accused of murder. The Jury started right in the middle of the trial.

The reader spend a good deal of time trying to get caught up but never feels behind if you know what I mean.

I would totally recommend this book to anyone who wants to read a good, fast moving story. It really is a good beach book and I wish I had saved it for then.

Next up... Dirty Job by my new favorite author...Christopher Moore.

Three Word Movie Reviews

The Benchwarmers -- Laughed Ass Off

Big Momma's House 2 -- We Liked It...........

Breakfast on Pluto -- What the F?!?!?!

Coupling Season 2 (UK Version) -- Good Follow Up

Coupling Season 3 (UK Version) -- Getting the Joke....

Coupling Season 4 (UK Version) -- Not Really Necessary

Doogal -- Worst Cartoon ... EVER....

Hoodwinked -- Pretty Darn Clever

Monster In Law -- Couldn't Finish It

Rescue Me Season 2 -- Still Awesome Show

Rumor Has It -- Who Greenlighted This!??!?!?!

Rumor Has It -- Second Version -- Rumor is.... Shit...

RV -- Fun Mindless Crap

The Shield Season One -- Holy Crap Goodness

Sky High -- Better Than Nothing

When a Stranger Calls (2006) -- Oof... ow... wha?

A Thing I Did That I Am Proud Of

I am a somewhat handy person. I can often figure out what is wrong with something and figure out the solution pretty easily with a bit of research and wherewithall.

Our downstairs toilet was running a couple of weeks ago and it was driving me insane. I solved the problem temporarily by opening up the top and wedging a towel into between the side of the bowl and the floating ball.

The floating ball was the problem. Its angle was off and I had to figure out a way to get it to float on the water and not sink. Sinking caused the water to continue to run and be wasted.

The first solution was to bend the arm of the ball, but I had a problem with that. The arm was made of plastic and apparently, this is weird.

When I went to Home Depot to ask some quick questions and find a replacement part, the salesman told me that I should bend the arm. When I responded that the arm was made of plastic, he was incredulous and couldn't believe it... "I have never heard of that before."...

Thanks tub tub...

So I bought a replacement fill valve and went home to get to work...It took me about 30 minutes to figure out what was going on in terms of parts and what not, but I eventually got it.

I was extremely proud of myself, because I really don't have much experience in any of this and part of me hopes the other toilet malfunctions too!

Top Five Tuesday

Top Five Signs That Your Personal Hygiene is Unacceptable to Others
1. Head balls in soccer are ineffective because the ball sticks there.
2. Vampires don't want to be bothered with you...
3. Even Goth chicks think you're sexy...
4. Your dog licks you... all the time... and every where... since you taste like bacon.
5. Is that an actual hive in your hair?

Top Five Shows on the All Conservative Politics Network
1. The Guiding Right
2. I Dream of Cheney
3. Not Trading Spaces, Ever
4. The Amazing White Race
5. Queer Eye....Kills Em All

Top Five Reasons Why My Top Five List Hasn't Offended You
1. Oh, I have, I have. You're just too obtuse to have noticed. By the way: nice haircut.
2. I insult men in descending order of penis size, so you may be waiting a while, Seth.
3. Alphabetically, you're on our list right after Zone Diet followers and zoologists, Sheep-Boy
4. Left-handed feminist surfers are pretty laid back unless I make fun of the way your pendulous breasts swing when you wax your boards.
5. You can't read... pencil prick.

Top Five Things That I Never Want to Get Caught Saying
1. "An Amway-selling Scientologist? How fascinating! Come right on in."
2. "Another goth vampire wannabe? Bite me!"
3. "I'm not paying to have it dry-cleaned -- it's from the Gap, for God's sake! Just put a little club soda on it and it'll come right out, Monica."
4. "Hey, for a laugh, let's trick those godless Americans into *thinking* we've got weapons of mass destruction when all we've really got are mountains of sand!"
5. "Lindsay Lohan... man... she is too thin."

Top Five Things That I Never Want to Get Caught Saying Part Deux
1. "I'm voting for Nader. It won't make a difference in the election, but it'll definitely get the Democrats' attention."
2. "I'll bet a splash of Aqua Velva would feel refreshing on my newly shaved scrotum."
3. "Man, being Martha Stewart's lawyer is boring. I wish something interesting would happen."
4. "I bet your breasts would look great in zero gravity."
5. "Smoking is good for newborn children... light em up nannies!"

24

HOLY F-ING CRAP.

That was an incredible frigging ending to an incredible frigging season...

I only have 8 months to wait until that ending is resolved!

Word Endings -- A Lesson In Fun-A DOODLE!!!

When I met my wife some five years ago, I was on a kick to be more silly. A recent relationship ending had made me dislike most people yet... I wanted to get out of that funk by being a tad bit silly.

I used the English language to amuse my little brain.

I began to add the phrase "a-doodle" onto the end of selected phrases... generally at times when I could have been construed as being serious. People would listen to me, think I was making a serious point and then add... a doodle to throw them off. I would NEVER do this with anyone in a business environment or in a serious situation like a doctor's office. It was always in the most random of places with people I was comfortable with.

For example -- Said to a friend, "I was hanging out a few friends the other night and it came up that Sally is a big jerk-a-doodle."

How does one really respond to a grown up who adds the pharase a-doodle onto something? I am not quite sure.

My wife, however, laughed it off... I could tell early on that she wasn't sure how to handle the random a-doodles and would shrug it off. Over some time, she learned to accept them and throw in her own a-doodles. We would laugh about it especially when it was at its most random.

I began to eventually tire of a-doodle and switched to "pants." I would generally use the word pants in conjunction with a Mr., Mrs., or Miss...

For example... "What is that smell?... It must be you... Mr. Stinky Pants..." or... "Is that the way to Newark, Mrs. Directions Pants?"

These were random again and would just flow out of my mouth. It was sort of mocking yet innocent enough not to offend.

I write this blog today because I have officially decided to TRY to retire pants with the word "McGee". I find that for some reason, people seem to find that word funny. I am not sure if it is because they like Irish people or some other deep seeded theory that Irish folks are dopes, but it works...

For example... "What is that smell?... It must be you... Stinky McGee..." or... "Is that the way to Newark, Directions McGee?"

I fully undertand that this is one of those... you have to be there sort of set of exchanges and muh blog isn't doing any of it true justice... but oh well...

I encourage you all to go out and meet up with friends and refer to them by an adjective and add McGee to it.. It almost always evokes a smile...or maybe... just maybe... they are laughing AT me.

Happy Birfday Kelli

You know who you are... Now... CELEBRATE!!!!

Taking a Trip

Muh wife and I are off... on a trip to the mountains of Virgina...

See ya the beginning of next week....

Book 24 of 26 -- Jesse Kellerman Sunstroke

OOF... this was such a struggle to get through. I can't explain why it was... it just was... OK!

Jesse Kellerman is the son of Jonathan Kellerman and Faye Kellerman. Both authors are extremely popular and famous writers. Their books are mysteries and almost always debut in the top five ... or at #1.

Apparently, they had a kid who found the time to write his own book. I was fooled by the other authors on the jacket that were not Kellermans that raved about the quality of the book. I was fooled by the description of Jesse that claims he is some sort of honored playwright.



It is my opinion that he should probably stick to his playwriting and stay the hell away from my night stand.

The book SUNSTROKE made me upset... and not the same kind of upset that Lovely Bones made me...in that it dealt with death... and it was a tough emotional read... Sunstroke just bored me to tears and then expected me to give a crap when a particular character has something bad happen to her.

Screw her and the pages she rode in on.

Top Five Tuesday

Top Five Things I Am Looking Forward To Most With Summer Around the Bend
1. Playing golf more than 1 1/2 times this year.
2. Walking into town most every night now that we have a dog that WILL walk down town.
3. Our annual Saratoga trip has been planned for quite some time... and I simply love that weekend....relaxing and non-thought provoking
4. Planning my grilling activities...mmmmm... bacon wrapped around anything...
5. Sitting in our front room with the windows open watching people walk the streets in our neighborhood.

Top Five Coolest Movie/TV Losers
1. Clubber Lang
2. Lloyd Dobbler
3. Chloe O'Brien
4. Deuce Bigalow
5. Jason Bigg's character Jim in American Pie (Would you believe that they do not have a last name in that movie?)

Top Five Reasons Why Knight Rider Coming To the Big Screen is a Bad Idea
1. It won't star the coolest scat cat in the world... David Hasselhoff...
2. They plan on having a "The Crow" type plot where Michael Knight seeks revenge on those that left him for dead.
3. It wasn't that great of a show to begin with...
4. It is ripe for making fun of...and they aren't going to... MAKE FUN OF IT!
5. Rumor has it that it will be rated PG-13... isn't that just dumb? Sort of like all the nudity in the Dukes of Hazzard....

Top Five New Fun Web Sites
1. http://www.cuteoverload.com/
2. http://covers.fwis.com/
3. http://widro.com/throwpaper.html
4. http://filmwise.com/main/index.shtml
5. http://www.sudoku.net.au/

Top Five Thoughts I Have About David Blaine's Special
1. That's magic folks... floating in the water like a poop for 7 days...
2. It was in the center of Lincoln Center...the place where important shows and entertainment... thanks for completely bastardizing class...
3. His biggest accomplishment turned out to be ... getting pruny...
4. I wish he was saved by Fiona Apple.. That would have been super awesome...
5. Every image of the divers in the ball I see looks like a picture of a naked man wearing only a G-String...Ick...

Happy Birfday to the Smelmooo's Pop

Muh father was born many moons ago today.

A most hearty Happy Birfday is in store for him....

A Most hearty....

SURVIVOR COMPETITIONS -- AN UPDATE

Survivor 1 in Borneo -- Richard Hatch (No Game)
Survivor 2 in Australia -- Tina Wesson (Ashfault!)
Survivor 3 in Africa -- Ethan Zohn (Ashfault!)
Survivor 4 in Marquesas -- Vecepia Towery (Pork Chop Express)
Survivor 5 in Thailand -- Brian Heidik (Pork Chop Express)
Survivor 6 in Amazon -- Jenna Morasca (Pork Chop Express)
Survivor 7 in Pearl Islands -- Sandra Diaz-Twine (Pork Chop Express)
Survivor 8 ALL STARS -- Amber Brkich (Pork Chop Express)
Survivor 9 in Vanuatu -- Chris Daugherty (Pork Chop Express)
Survivor 10 in Palau -- Tom Westman (Pork Chop Express)
Survivor 11 in Guatemala -- Danni Boatwright (Ashfault!)
Survivor 12 in Panama (Exile Island) -- Aras Baskauskas (Tucker's Nuts AKA Pork Chop Express)

My streak begins again!!!!!

Overall Total
Pork Chop Express -- 8
Ashfault! -- 3

SURVIVOR GAME

It's over...

Stupid a-hole Aras won...

What a bad taste in my mouth.. even though it will be soon replaed by a case of Amstel Light that I won...

Happy Birfday MRAZZ and Father In Law

Today is the 32nd Birfday of the Smelmooo's Best Man... and a future Daddy...

Way to go MRAZZ!!

It is also the birfday of muh father-in-law... thank god he doesn't know about this greeting!

Book 23 of 26 -- Stuart Woods' Dark Harbor

I am really plugging along. It's amazing how a due date... as in my library book is due in a few days, I better get this M-Fer read before the date comes or I am going to be charged 50 cents per day! (It's more since they are new releases... and you can't renew new releases... tough noogies...)

One of my mystery writer standard writers is Stuart Woods. Stuart Woods is an example of a writer who wrote some really detailed and interesting stuff when he was younger. Then... he found some tremendous success with his novels and began to churn out book after book after book.

When this happens to a writer, they tend to churn out less detailed and simpler books to get to the next paycheck. Stuart Woods has reached this level...

His books barely reach 300 pages and the re-occurring characters never seem to develop much. There are small plot continuations, but they don't evolve so you can pretty much guarantee how they will react in any given situation.



His new book is called Dark Harbor. This book is no different as we follow the storyline of Stone Barrington -- Woods' most successful character. "In the picturesque island village of Dark Harbor, Maine, the shocking deaths of three people close to him have cast a long shadow over the life of Stone Barrington. One of them had a prominent national security role, and the consequences of his death reach high into the United States intelligence community, widening what, at first, appears to be simply a senseless, but local, triple murder. With the help of his ex-partner, Dino, and his friend Holly Barker, Stone must piece together the elusive facts surrounding these deaths, as much for his own peace of mind as anything else. Dark Harbor brings us the perfect mix of sexy intrigue and swift suspense that legions of fans have come to expect from master storyteller Stuart Woods."

It's a pretty decent book, but I always wonder how I can enjoy books where they identify the murderer about 2/3 into the book and spend the rest of the time trying to bust that person/persons... it is distracting... but oh well.

Next up -- Jonathan and Faye Kellerman have a kid. His name is Jessie and he wrote his own book -- Sunstroke. I am going to give that a try... it IS a library book too!

Happy Mother's Day -- Tell Her a Historical Fact About Cinco de Mayo

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise and eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

Sorry, but nobody said history wouldn't be painful.

A Doctor's Visit

A visit to Dr. Smith

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith to see about enlarging her breasts. Dr. Smith told her, "Everyday after your shower, rub your chest and say, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."

She did this faithfully for several months and it worked! She grew great boobs!

One morning she was running late, got on the bus and realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't do the little rhyme, she got right out there in the middle aisle of the bus and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."

A guy sitting nearby asked, "Are you a patient of Dr. Smith's by any chance?"

"Why, yes I am. How did you know?"

He leaned closer, winked and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock"

Out Running the Cops -- I Am a Bad Ass Mother F*cker

The other day at about 1 in the afternoon, I was driving home to get myself some lunch. I was speeding. There was no question about that. I think I was going about 20 miles per hour over the speed limit AND... I was all by myself. I didn't have anyone around me.

That's when I saw the cop.

He was parked in a parking space in a Senior Center.

I immediately figuratively crapped my pants as I felt my stomach drop even further into my being.

It was legitimized in that I saw the police car's lights go on and he backed up out of his parking space.

I am not sure what went through my mind, but I actually hit the accelerator and sped up to merge off the road at an upcoming turn off.

I then immediately turned into an office complex parking lot.

What the hell was I thinking?

In my spot, I got out of the car and watched the cop fly by the parking lot with the lights running.

heh heh... I got away with it.........

I hope so...

At least I think I did... it's been awhile, so if they wanted to come to the house to get me or anything, they have had plenty of time. I really think that with the angle he was on and with him being in a parking lot, that my car would be pretty darn hard to find.

Take that Pigs!!!!

Survivor -- Exile Island... Just 2 Episodes Left....I WON ALREADY!!!

Last time I wrote, I assumed... so.. I made an ass out of YOU ... muh readers... and ME... that line will NEVER get old I tell you... NEVER... it will be amusing FOREVER...

The CBS gods played a trick on me and we NOW have two episodes left. We have our regularly scheduled episode on Thursday... today and the two hour season finale on Sunday. I am not sure what they are planning for Thursday, but my guess is that they will have lots of interaction with people and a challenge or two but we will NOT have someone booted from the game. It just seems improbable. I am willing to guess that they save all boots until the two hours eason finale on Sunday... Mother's Day.

There are four players left and here are my thoughts on their chances...

Cirie Fields -- An older woman who cracked me up all season and one of the most genuinely cool contestants that Survivor has ever had, Cirie will probably be the fourth place finisher. I can't see her going to far since everyone loves her and no one wants to be in the finals with her since they will lose to her. I will even go so far as to guess that her existence will come down to a tie vote at the next tribal council and she will have to fight for her life in a one on one.



Terry Deitz -- An older gentleman formerly with a branch of the military that has been kicking some major ass in challenges... he has won immunity in five straight challenges and was saved in a sixth by Bruce's early exit. He has been on the chopping block with each and every one of those challenges and has managed to survive through them all. He is also in possession of a secret immunity idol that will ensure him a top three finish. I am predicting him for a second or third place finish.



Aras Baskauskas -- Mr. Arrogant Prick award goes to Aras... I haven't liked him since the first episode and this will be the one person in the bunch that I will actively root against. I see him making it to the final two if Terry loses the immunity challenge in the final three... otherwise.. I predict a third place finish for Aras.



Danielle DiLorenzo and her Boobies -- With the amount of attention given to Danielle and her magic boobies by the cameraman, how can she lose? I can't see it. I thin there has been some creative editting with her and that she will ultimately prevail over Terry and Aras in a final tribal council.



There ya have it folks... I wish I could have more to root for in the finals, but I have regained my composure and come out victorious over my arch nemesis ASSSHHHFFAAAUULLLTTT! in the Survivor game. My streak begins again!

Side Note -- I don't mind winning... but I don't like winning with two episodes to go... not much excitement!!!

___________________________________________________

The score is 8-4 with your humble host winning...

SURVIVOR PANAMA -- EXILE ISLAND

(The number in parenthesis represents the position in the draft they were chosen.)

TUCKER'S NUTS -- ME
(2) -- TERRY
(6) -- DANIELLE
(7) -- CIRIE
(10) -- ARAS
(11) -- COURTNEY -- Booted Week 11
(3) -- DAN -- Booted Week 6
(14) -- MELINDA -- Booted Week 2
(15) -- TINA -- Booted Week 1

ASSSSHHHFFFAULT!!! -- MB
(16) -- SHANE -- BOOTED WEEK TWELVE!!!!
(1) -- BRUCE -- QUIT WEEK TEN.... That was sad... :-(
(9) -- SALLY -- BOOTED WEEK NINE!!!!
(13) -- AUSTIN -- BOOTED WEEK EIGHT!!!!!
(12) -- NICK -- BOOTED WEEK SEVEN!!!!!
(5) -- BOBBY -- BOOTED WEEK FIVE!!!!
(8) –- RUTH MARIE -- BOOTED WEEK FOUR!!!
(4) -- MISTY -- BOOTED WEEK THREE!!!

Shad Festival 2006

Muh wife has already written a blog about this, but she focussed a great deal on the actual game of asshole itself instead of the Shad Festival.

When I was a younger fella, I would regularly attend the Shad Festival in Lambertville, NJ. It wasn't much of a stretch for me as I grew up a few miles from the town and had a certain fondness for the area that stretches back to memories of fireworks in Lambertville every Fourth of July. The kind of night where you had to get there a good 3 hours early if you wanted a parking space.



For those of you that don't know, the Shad Festival is essentially a town fair in the guise of celebrating the migration of a fish. The town -- filled with gorgeous Victorian homes -- shuts down its streets and fills them with out of towners who eat and buy crap. The streets are crowded and people get pushy... but that's my cynical point of view.



I imposed a hiatus on myself for the Shad Festival about 5 to 6 years ago. I got fed up with a great deal about it and I vowed to not go back any time soon. This year... I decided to heed my wife's requests and my friend's suggestion and go to the Shad Festival. It was an absolutely gorgeous day and we had a tremendous time... Here are just some of my observations....

* Allergies -- My allergies really decided to go into over dirive and kick me in the ass. I just wasn't ready for what they were dishing out. I haven't had a real problem in quite some time... and that is mostly because I have matured a bit. I learned to stop scratching my eyes as discomfort would always result. I forgot that lesson and allowed myself to scratch my eyes raw -- so bad so that on the ride home, we stopped to buy me a bottle of soda... not for drinking but to apply to my eye so that I would stop the burning in my eyes...]

* Shad Juice -- Some of the food stands were selling shad juice. I don't know... nor do I really care if the juice was truly squeezed from a shad, but I do not even want to think about the possibilities here. The idea of it is astonishing to me. Here's the kicker... About half way through the day... there was a "Sold Out" sign by the Shad Juice listing... ick...

* Other Shad Fests -- I thought that the great town of Lambertville would be the only town to think of holding a Shad Festival... but noooo! When you do a Google search for Shad Festival, you find that there are festivals in Pennsylvania, Canada, and Oregon for starters... Amazing...

* Return of the Summer Clothes -- I am far from a super model or anything on the thin side, but I recognize my limitations. The warm weather is a reminder to me of how truly clueless people are of their bodies. Thanks for wearing that belling shirt... but do you realize that your belly covers more of your pants than the shirt covers your torso? Ick.

* Substance -- Why were there so many people for so little substance? It was pretty uneventful... with a tight food court and unfriendly people... why are people driving miles upon miles to come? Our reason was to see friends... what was everyone elses?

* Shad Jerky -- Ona positive note, we were treated to an authentic W.A.S.P.y man dressed up as an authentic Native American explaining how to make Shad Jerky. Fun times...

Until next year!!!

Top Five Tuesday...

Top Five Greatest Reasons To Run Naked Through the Streets
1. You too... can be just like Will Ferrel in Old School. The girls will flock!
2. You are in a bitter divorce battle and you need to show just cause as to what she has done to drive you completely insane.
3. People let you alone.
4. People are completely taken... aback... especially since it was a parade.
5. Graduation STREAKING!!!!

Top Five Things That You Never Want to Find in Your Basement
1. Water
2. Bodies
3. A case of unused beer.
4. Immigrants
5. Rodents

Top Five People That I Would Like To See on Next Year's 24
1. A dead Jack Bauer
2. Marilyn Manson as a terrorist
3. Regis Philbin as a criminal mastermind.
4. The Legion of Doom with Grod
5. Howard Stern as "The Flamingo"

Top Five Mother's Day Activities That Are Good For Convict Mothers
1. Baking a file cake.
2. Making C4 cupcakes.
3. Playing Conjucal Bingo
4. Anything that involves pillows and fighting with them.
5. Solitary solitaire.

Top Five Places To Store Extra Stuff -- No Really... Stuff Goes There...
1. In the corner in a huge pile.
2. In the attic.
3. Under the bed.
4. In the basement.
5. Under the dining room table.

Top Five Reasons Why I Should Renew My Subscription to Playboy
1. The articles
2. Those knee slappingly funny cartoons in the back.
3. To find the bunny on the cover... that is a blast.
4. Naked boobs.
5. The FREE gifts!!! (They aren't as good as those old Sports Illustrated football phones... but hey... why not!!?!?)

Book 22 of 26 -- Jonathan Kellerman's Gone

Books, Books, Books... I love that when I set a goal, I will work my ass off to meet that goal. My idea of reading a book every two weeks has been pretty easy to meet so far and unless I fall into a black hole, I should be able to do it.

My latest book is the #1 New York Times best seller entitled Gone by Jonathan Kellerman.



As I have written before when I discuss Steve Martini books, authors -- especially mystery writers -- enjoy far more success when they choose a likable yet flawed character and immerse them into a world of crime. The reader feels comfortable as the character slowly develops over a series of novels AND the writer can keep cashing a comfortable check each go around.

Jonathan Kellerman's book Gone is the 20th installment of his widely popular Alex Delaware series. Delaware is a clinical psychologist who helps solve crimes with his best friend and Los Angeles Police Detective Milo Sturgis who happens to be gay.

This is a dependable book in the series and should be read by any fan. I would have loved this book on our vacation in a few weeks... but oh well.. I am destined to read something historical or goofy on that trip.

My next two books are already in hand and are library books. I will be reading Stuart Wood's latest Stone Barrington novel and Jonathan Kellerman's son Jessie Kellerman's first book. Nepotism is pretty cool.

Good Fun Political Humor

It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurant owner, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. What famous American said, 'Give me Liberty, or give me death?’ “

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up.

So, she motioned to Pedro, who answered, "Patrick Henry, 1775."

"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?' "

Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!"

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!"

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Pedro put his hand up: "Jim Bowie, 1836."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Pedro answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now, with almost mob hysteria, teacher said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you!"

Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Conduit to Chandra Levy, 2001."

The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!"

Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."

Finally as an eraser was being thrown in the direction of Pedro, another classmate shouted "Duck!" to warn him.

Teacher, just waking, asked, "Who said that?

Never skipping a beat, Pedro said, "Dick Cheney 2006!

"Raise".... DENIED!!!!

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

* I do physical labor.
* I work at great depths.
* I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
* I do not get weekends or holidays off.
* I work in a damp environment.
* I work ina dark area with poor ventilation.
* I work in an area with high temperatures.
* My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,

The Penis

***

Dear Mr. Penis,

After assessing your request and considering the
arguments you have raised, the
administration rejects your request for the following
reasons:

* You do not work eight hours straight.
* You fall asleep after brief work periods.
* You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
* You do not stay in your designated area and are
often seen visiting other locations.
* You do not take initiative.
* You need to be pressured and stimulated in order to
start working.
* You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of
your shift.
* You don't always observe necessary safety
regulations, such as wearing the correct
protective clothing.
* You will retire well before you are 65.
* You are unable to work double shifts.
* You sometimes leave your designated work area before
you have completed the
assigned task.

And if that were not enough, you are constantly seen
entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags.

Sincerely,

The Management

A Reason to Drink

I am at a convention today... so enjoy this lovely joke... esta es funny-o.

Water vs Alcohol

It has been scientifically proven that if we drink one litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than one kilo of Escherichia Coli Bacteria found in water that contains feces.

In other words, we are consuming one kilo of shit. However, we do not run that risk when drinking rum, gin, whiskey, beer, wine or other liquors because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermentation.

It is my duty to communicate to all of you people who are drinking water, to stop doing so. It has been scientifically proven that it is unhealthy and bad for you.

THEREFORE - It is better to drink alcohol and talk shit than to drink water and be full of it !!

The Champ... is in Edison!!

I make no secret about it. I like to play poker and I am truly a poseur when it comes to the sport because I didn't know anything about it until it became popular...

I joined the proverbial band wagon.

One of the problems with living in Central Jersey is that it is really hard to find a game... Atlantic City is just far enough away to be a destination and the guys I have been playing with are all getting super busy with kids or other things.

You can imagine my excitement when I recently learned that a local bar (a couple of miles away) is a host on the World Tavern Poker Tour. This is a pretty neat concept. Local bars and taverns across the country hold FREE Texas Hold Em tournaments across the country. There is NO money involved. The places earn money by the beer and food you buy in the place and since they are generally held on weekdays, they are improving their bottom line.

You earn points and whomever has the best score at the end of a determined time span wins their spot into a larger tourney and into the World Poker Finals at the Taj Mahal in Atlantic City.

I tried this tourney out a month and a half ago and I made it about half way in... but I essentially blew a big hand because I wanted to get out of the smoke pit of a restaurant...

Last night... I tried again and I didn't feel too guilty since the wife was away on a business trip. 65 people signed up and we all started with 15,000 bucks. I played a few hands and I thought I was destined to be knocked out when my chip total was down to about $500. I hit trips King with an ace kicker when another guy pulled out a River Card Full House (he had pocket fives and the river was a five.)

I took my lumps, watched a few more hands and then started my comeback. I doubled and tripled up a few times to eventually take the chip lead at the table. A break came and I was moved to a new table which I also dominated before becoming the chip leader at the final table.

I rode my chip lead... to the WIN by bullying when needed and getting caught bluffing at strategic times.

I knocked out 3rd, 4th, and 5th place all in one hand and it took me another 5 minutes to finally knock out the 2nd place person. When I knocked out those three players, I did it with Big Slick and it only cost me 10% of my chip stack.. Of course I was going to make that call!

So... I won a black t-shirt that calls me... CHAMP! and a free dinner... I think I will try the tourney again next week!!!

The Champ!!... Follow Up

Here is a listing of how the points work. The list also lists people's real names... but I took those out.

Rank of Player Plyr User Name Points
1 st Place smelmooo 12100
2 nd Place sftbal2001 10890
3 rd Place JANGO 9680
4 th Place Wobo 8470
5 th Place bird323 7865
6 th Place JoJoPetti 7260
7 th Place shazam 6655
8 th Place Kej00013 6050
9 th Place Friesser 4235
10 th Place gary36 3933
11 th Place JeffK444 3630
12 th Place chrisj23 3328
13 th Place bits57 3025
14 th Place Rick2313 2723
15 th Place Spice324 2420
16 th Place almoray 2118
17 th Place pctfitz 1513
18 th Place juliet2139 1210
19 th Place Magooman1983 908
20 th Place pgua 605

Three Word Movie Reviews!!!!

American Pie Presents Band Camp -- I Laughed Once

The A-Team Season 3 -- Pity the Mudsuckers

Casanova -- We liked it!

Chicken Little -- Better Than Expected

The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch, & The Wardrobe -- Kinda Bad.... Pretty

Coupling Season 1 (UK Version) -- Raw, Witty, Incredible

Fun With Dick & Jane -- Mildly Entertaining Ending

Hostel -- Violence.... Nudity.... Awesome!

The Jacket -- Stupid, Incomprehensible Crap

King Kong -- Jungle Parts Rule

Kung Fu Hustle -- I ADORE IT!!!!

Match Point -- Allen At Best

Mrs. Henderson Presents -- Charming, Funny Affair

Penn & Teller Bullshit (Seasons 1 & 2) -- Insightful, Entertaining SUPERNESS!

Prime -- Waste of Time

Shopgirl -- Shop Elsewhere... blech...

The Sting -- One of Best

Thank You For Smoking -- Coud've Been Better

An Unfinished Life -- Unfinished Life.......Still

Wolf Creek -- Slow Burning.... Spooky

Zathura -- Lots of Fun

Top Five Tuesday -- Good Times Version

Top Five Reasons Why I Might Start Watching "The View" Now
1. Rosie O'Donnell will be on it now... I hope she re-introduces the Koosh Ball... Watch Barbara slap her silly for that.
2. I need to know how the egos of Starr Jones and Rosie O'Donnell will fit into one studio.
3. I can't wait to finally see Starr get bitch slapped by someone else. I love watching clips of Joy Behar do it to her... Beware of the Rosie...
4. I will want to try and predict what Joel McHale will fun of this week.
5. DVR is so easy to erase...

Top Five Rejected Children's Books About Homosexuality
1. My Daddy F-ed Your Daddy
2. Sandbox? Let's Watch Mommy Munch On Another Box
3. Bob The Builder Does Boston
4. Sponge Bob Fag Pants
5. Strawberry Shorts Off

Top Five Rejected Theme Park Rides
1. Flu Shot of Death
2. United Flight 93 -- It wasn't accepted as a tie-in
3. Snakes on a Plane
4. Dodge Ball -- Wrench Training
5. Paper Mache... of Death!

Top Five Ways to Save Gas Money
1. Ride a bike to work. Be sure to not sweat or catch your pants on the chain.
2. Carpool. Try to do it with that hot number in your office. Perhaps she has a tattoo above her ass. That should make the ride more interesting.
3. Get a solar powered car... they work great with screen windows.
4. Electric car.. who cares about that bill!
5. Eat a homemade lunch every day.

Top Five Reasons Why Self Service Gas is Better Than Full Service Gas
1. I love the smell of gas on my fingers.
2. You have to get up!!
3. You have to walk around and poke dirty buttons on the machine...
4. Dropping gas on your shoe is always a plus!
5. It is faster than full serve...
Honorable Mention -- Who needs awkward conversation with people that don't speak English very well.

Is There Such a Thing As Doggy DYFS?

I am a bad dog owner.

I inadvertently tortured the living poop out of my little monster.

For most of last week, he has been under the constant barage of four large men climbing on ladders and banging on the side of our house. We got some new siding added to it. They were tearing off wood and sawing replacements and then hammering new siding to the house.

The few times I was home while this was going on, I was getting royally pissed at the noise because it was just so incredibly annoying. I wanted to rake my eyeballs out.

I then began to feel really badly for my little monster as he had to endure it for 9 hours a day (they were great about working longer hours in order to finish the project quicker.)

It got really bad on Thursday.

Not only did the siding company have an extra two guys putting up the siding on the house... bringing the total to 6 people, but my two next door neighbors were getting work done as well.

On the left, the neighbors hired a landscaper to come in and work on creating their new lawns. They didn't have a good lawn as they had an addition put on last year so the landscaper was razing and scoping and flattening and the likes. He had a bunch of machines out there and they were making a ton of noise.

On the right, the other neighbors were trimming their humungous tree with a chain saw. For the entire time I was home, they were trimming branches off and using the monster saw to chop up the big branches they cut off.

I came home to find poor little Tucker cowering in his little shelter... the same one we put him in when he does something bad.

That poor little fella... I hope no one calls Doggy DYFS on us... thankfully... it is all finished now so he can go back to being a lazy butt.