Top Five Signs That Your Personal Hygiene is Unacceptable to Others
1. Head balls in soccer are ineffective because the ball sticks there.
2. Vampires don't want to be bothered with you...
3. Even Goth chicks think you're sexy...
4. Your dog licks you... all the time... and every where... since you taste like bacon.
5. Is that an actual hive in your hair?
Top Five Shows on the All Conservative Politics Network
1. The Guiding Right
2. I Dream of Cheney
3. Not Trading Spaces, Ever
4. The Amazing White Race
5. Queer Eye....Kills Em All
Top Five Reasons Why My Top Five List Hasn't Offended You
1. Oh, I have, I have. You're just too obtuse to have noticed. By the way: nice haircut.
2. I insult men in descending order of penis size, so you may be waiting a while, Seth.
3. Alphabetically, you're on our list right after Zone Diet followers and zoologists, Sheep-Boy
4. Left-handed feminist surfers are pretty laid back unless I make fun of the way your pendulous breasts swing when you wax your boards.
5. You can't read... pencil prick.
Top Five Things That I Never Want to Get Caught Saying
1. "An Amway-selling Scientologist? How fascinating! Come right on in."
2. "Another goth vampire wannabe? Bite me!"
3. "I'm not paying to have it dry-cleaned -- it's from the Gap, for God's sake! Just put a little club soda on it and it'll come right out, Monica."
4. "Hey, for a laugh, let's trick those godless Americans into *thinking* we've got weapons of mass destruction when all we've really got are mountains of sand!"
5. "Lindsay Lohan... man... she is too thin."
Top Five Things That I Never Want to Get Caught Saying Part Deux
1. "I'm voting for Nader. It won't make a difference in the election, but it'll definitely get the Democrats' attention."
2. "I'll bet a splash of Aqua Velva would feel refreshing on my newly shaved scrotum."
3. "Man, being Martha Stewart's lawyer is boring. I wish something interesting would happen."
4. "I bet your breasts would look great in zero gravity."
5. "Smoking is good for newborn children... light em up nannies!"
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