Breaking Up With a Friend
We all know what it is like to break up with someone that you have been in a relationship with -- boy or girl. It hurts. It makes you ache inside. Depending on the circumstances, it can make you not want to trust people ever again or it can make you swear off love forever.
For the majority of people, time heals the wounds and people move forward. They discover new people. They discover a new hobby. They entertain new friendships. It is all a part of growing up and moving forward.
As many of you know, I will be getting married to my best friend in 68 days. We talk about and share everything with each other. We have a comfortable relationship and nothing gets by either of us. It is what friends should be. You should want to spend time with that person. There should be a give and take. I give you a laugh.. you give me a laugh. Sometimes, the friendship turns into something more. I help you move, you help me move. I help you paint, you buy me pizza and beer. Whatever it is, friendship is one of the greatest things in this world and should be cherished.
Some friendships can be hard. We all have that one person in our lives that makes being friends hard. I don't want much from my friendships. I will give and give and give, almost to a fault. All I want is a hug every once in awhile or to have a beer with you. I will, in exchange, listen to my friends' problems or talk about their successes or laugh about the latest dumb thing we heard the president did. I don't think that is too much to ask.
I have been forced again recently to re-evaluate a decision I made about 18 months ago. I had a friend that I had known since Freshman year of high school. We spent a lot of time together and over 15 years, we became great friends.
Times change however.
I don't claim to be a saint and I know that in some situations, I can be a pain in the ass, but I was becomingly increasingly aware of how difficult this relationship was becoming for me. He was not happy with the way his life was going and for some reason, I was made to feel that I wasn't a good friend to him as I got more and more into a relationship with other people. Conversations on the phone and on the internet actually started draining me. I was physically tired after talking to him. He was draining me emotionally and I was trying to figure out how it was my fault. I may not have exactly promoted a totally friendly atmosphere but things didn't need to get where they were going. He was miserable about something greater than the issues that were getting in the way of our friendship.
The details of the arguments and situations is irrelevant. Needless to say, I needed a change and one day I did something that seems so silly to some and so smart to others.
I broke up with him as a friend.
He was much too draining and he said hurtful things to me in response to my actions. Muh honey and I thought it was a sad thing and I was pretty depressed about it for a week but as I said before, time heals wounds and you move forward.
Last night, a friend asked me if I ever spoke to him since the last time we talked about it. The correct answer is no and I haven't thought too much about it...that is... until now. I asked her why she wanted to know. She said that she felt life was too short to be worrying about this stuff. My reply was simple. I told her she was right and that life was too short to be worrying about this. I have people in my life that I want to spend time with. I know this sounds harsh, but I didn't want to spend time anymore with someone that was demanding so much of my energy and not giving anything back. I didn't want much. I just wanted a regular conversation...
so yeah... I ended the friendship. Much like someone who ends a relationship when they don't see it going anywhere, I ended a friendship that didn't seem to be going anywhere but down. Did I hurt his feelings? I am sure I did, but what else could I have done?
I am not sure how to end this blog, so I will do it with a few questions.
What is your definition of friendship and what limitations do you think should be placed upon it?
How much is too much?
What do you hope to gain from friendships?
Other.
Have a good one.
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5 comments:
The timing of this blog is uncanny to me as I am currently dealing with a very similar situation. I really believe that with all we have to deal with in our everyday lives, our friendships should be easy. That is not to say that friends don't go through hard times, very much the opposite. Friendships that are able to endure hardships tend to come out much stronger. This is how friendships evolve into much deeper things. If a friendship is unable to evolve and grow as we do, it gets stuck in a very stagnant and sometimes bitter place. The point where you don't want to speak to, see, or email a person because it makes your life inherently more difficult, is the time for action. If you have told your friend how you feel and they are unwilling to do anything to, at the very least, see your perspective, then it may be time to let go. For a friend to truly value your opinion and feelings is not too much to ask. It is a very strong, brave, and necessary thing that you did. I hope I can follow your example.
-Shari
You said what I wanted to say. Thanks. I was having too much trouble with it.
I think the definition of frienship is very difficult to quantify. Because each relationship is different. Overall I think you need to genuinely like at least one thing about the person, and respect them. Other than that it's all different. I have some friends that I laugh and party with, I have others that I speak my heart to, and others that I share common interests with. Yes, some have all of the above.
As for too much is too much, I've been on both sides (it's very alarming when you realize you've been too much to handle). So when you need to step away, go for it. There's no rule that says you can't step back in a year or 10 from now.
Every person you meet leaves an impact on your life. And sometimes that's not always a positive experience, but even the negative ones are important. I think I gain sanity from my friendships. I gain support. I gain fun times. I gain advice. I gain strength. It's all different, at different times, but they all serve a purpose.
As you know, I went through something similar not too long ago. And sometimes, when friends are tearing each other apart (intentionally or unintentionally) it works better to walk away. Unlike what you've described here, I think about the friend I "broke up" with almost every day -- particularly because he works in a dangerous occupation and I worry that something will happen to him. I also know that the fact that I think about him regularly doesn't make the break up the wrong decision.
So, with that said, here's my take. Relationships are relationships. Whether of the friendly, sexual, or family variety, we are better off when we hold tightly to the relationships that improve us and let go of the ones that hurt.
And, over time, sometimes the relationships that we let go come back together. They don't look the same, they don't feel the same, but we are older and wiser and the relationships are better for it.
As your best friend knows, I broke up with a friend a couple of years ago after I got tired of her calling me every week to complain about every little thing in her life.
Here's my definition of friendship: someone who you love (in varying degrees, depending on the friendship), who you want to share good times and laughter with, and who you will support during tough times with comfort and advice. Here's the key: the balance should not tilt too much one way or another. A friend who you only laugh with and talk about superficial things with is a friend but not a close one; a friend who constantly talks about her problems and how much she hates her life is not only a poor friend, but also needs some help--like, perhaps, therapy--that you are not equipped to give her.
The breaking up part was very difficult, though, and you have to live with the possibility of being blackballed by mutual friends. I have gotten the "life is too short" comment a few times and one of our mutual friends broke up with me as a result of my break-up with my friend. (However, I don't count this as a big loss.) I have to say, though, I don't really miss her very much at all. I do, however, wish her well. I hope she's much happier than she was when we were friends and if that's the case, I don't care that she curses my name every time she thinks of it.
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