Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Bubble Shooter

S and L suggested we play this game called Bubble Shooter after I made my Brick Breaker post a couple months ago... Tangent Woman and I play it all the time and we are addicted to it.

I have become an expert... so one day... I decided to solve the board by colors... instead of just trying to clear it.

I also wanted to rub it in to my wife who is not as skilled as me.

I took pictures of the screen with all the colors.

I rule...

Have fun... once you start... you can't stop....

Monday, July 30, 2007

Weeds -- Season 2

Seriously kids. One of the funniest shows on television... ever is WEEDS.

It started out as the story of a suburban widow who sells weed to make ends meet and has become so much more.

It is such a perfectly inappropriate show and I recommend that you all watch it as soon as you get a chance... Mary-Louise Parker, Elizabeth Perkins, and Kevin Nealon are

Here are some of my favorite lines....

Man -- You will rue the day
Woan -- Rue my ass
Man -- There isn't enough rue

I'm listening. Your Judiasm is like Ghostbusters.

I am glad that our last name is not Drew because then you would be Nancy Drew and I would be Andrew Drew

Kid -- There's a kid at school who says that if you don't pick your nose, they will block off your airway and you will die.
Uncle -- That seems possible.

Probably flushing his "jerk" socks down the toilet...

You taking pussy to a whole new level.

Listen. I am not going to beat around the bush. (First line in a masturbation speech to a kid.)

White Woman -- What's in a bean pie?
Black Woman -- Ground up white babies with nutmeg.

You didn't hobble over here with your bruised vagina to chase my blues away.

I'll call it the This is Not Fine fine and keep collecting it until they can't pay their mortgage.

How do you ask the woman who makes your kids' lunches to suck your balls and spread her ass.

Ain't the lucky stars shining on your lady parts?

Did you just propose? Damn, you don't waste no time Farrakhan. Hi. May I please speak with a Mr. Fuckheusen?

I don't know. He just yelled "out of my way brownie!" and ran.

No I didn't piss on your plant. I watered it with my urine.

My argument for the popular vote? George W. Bush. (Ovation)

Now that I am partially toeless, there's no chance that I will be sent Iraq.

I am wearing 500 bucks worth of hair extensions from India. (Pause) Take a sniff. You can smell curry.

Wow. My sweat smells like peanuts.

Did a free cheese grater come with the girlfriend?

Did he ever hit you Nancy?
I'm not filled with candy.

Sunday, July 29, 2007

Drew Carey As Price is Right Host

Seriously... this is a really good choice.

I wish him the best.

Saturday, July 28, 2007

Funny Picture

One of my favorite authors Christopher Moore took this picture in England and added the caption.

It really makes me laugh out loud.

Friday, July 27, 2007

Golf Outing

I won a sand wedge for being closest to the pin.

I was 16 feet away.

Who the hell played in this event?

Book 37 of 52 -- James Patterson's Maximum Ride: Saving the World and Other Extreme Sports

As the summer of fun continues, I have realized that this is the perfect time to read a bunch of crap in addition to the Harry Potter Books

James Patterson has put out four books this year.


His latest book Maximum Ride: Saving the World and Other Extreme Sports is a continuation of a series of books that he enjoys writing. It is the only series of books that he writes by himself. All of his other books nowadays have co-authors and follow a similar formula. The tone and sarcasm in this novel are similar to what he normally writes, but with a twist... it is oriented for "Young Adults."

This is officially located in the "Young Adults" section of the library yet it reads and has the same sort of action as his regular books... just without the sex and violence.

The book was decent enough, but I wouldn't really recommend it unless you have liked the four original books -- two as young adult books and two as adult, regular fiction books.

Look for something fun to do this summer... most likely.... avoiding this book.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Part II

I played golf today.

I was nowhere near anything with the letters NASA on them.


-- NASA says it has found wires which may have been deliberately cut on computers bound for the international space station.


Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Book 36 of 52 -- James Patterson's The Quickie

This book was pure drivel and he only wrote this book to make a few million dollars.




Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Speaking of Deathly Hallows... AND...

... in the better late than never category.

Good bye Tammy Faye...

You had a value in my eyes...

About 35 points worth of value...

We will all "miss" you...

Book 35 of 52 -- J.K. Rowling's Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows


She did it!

She made the final book awesome and completely appropriate for the entire series.

Thank you JK for giving me an extremely satisfactory ending.

If anyone wants to discuss it, email or IM me.

Click here to buy the book.

Monday, July 23, 2007

Harry Potter 5 Movie Going Experience Update

THREE Commercials

SIX Previews...

AMC Theater....

1408 Movie Going Experience Update

NO Commercials

NINE Previews

Regal Theater....

White Shoes

I am a firm believer that no man should ever wear white shoes...

Except Pee Wee Herman... and even there... I am torn.

Deathly Hallows Update

All done!

Wow... that book was amazing.

Sunday, July 22, 2007

Deathly Hallows Update

550 pages done...

I sleepy....

Saturday, July 21, 2007

Deathly Hallows....

250 or so pages done....

Friday, July 20, 2007

Book 34 of 52 -- J.K. Rowling's Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince

Do you really need a review of the 6th chapter in Harry Potter's life?

I read it so that when the new book comes out at midnight tonight and I have it in my grubby fat fingered hands... I will have remembered all the crazy stuff that happened at the end of it.

Dumbledore is NOT dead... he's in a horcrux somewhere!

Thursday, July 19, 2007

What Makes The Smelmooo Happy -- Summer July 2007

Voyagers! is coming out on DVD. I have not seen it since 1983 and yet... I have very fond memories of it.

It's 42 days until the first RU game.

I just found out a couple days ago that I have to be in Chicago in the beginning of October so I think I will fly into Indy and see a Colts game and then drive up the three hours to Chicago for my morning meeting the next day.

Michael Vick was indicted -- frigging animal.

Harry Potter comes out in 2 days.

Chris made it at least 4 days!

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Lazy Blog of the Day -- Thank You Jenni

Thought for the day

Handle every situation like a dog.

If you can't Eat it or Screw it.

Piss on it and Walk Away

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Three Word Movie Reviews

After The Wedding -- Drama at Best

The Aristocrats -- F*&%ing F7&* Funny

Back to the Future -- Still a Classic

Back to the Future 2 -- Funny Second Installment

Back to the Future 3 -- Appropriate Trilogy Ending!

Batman Begins -- The Best One

Black Snake Moan -- Different, Enjoyable Transformation

Breach -- Slow, but Incredible

Coma -- Didn't Sleep Through

Days of Glory (Indigenes) -- Really Fantastic Film

Dead Silence -- Not Entirely Horrible....

Driving Lessons -- Cute but Boring...

Everything is Illuminated -- Decent Quirky Film

Firefly (Entire Series) -- Good Fun Find

The Good German -- Eh...It's Alright

How to Eat Fried Worms -- Silly Kid's Flick

Knocked Up -- Pretty Funny, Sweet

The Last Time -- Nice Surprise Twist


Monk (Season 1) -- This Show Rocks!

Monk (Season 2) -- This Show RULES!

Serenity -- Great Fun Film!!!

Shooter -- Fugitive...on Crack

Wedding Wars -- Cliche But Sweet

Monday, July 16, 2007

No Pets Woman

Are you frigging kidding me?

This woman really annoyed me....

Sunday, July 15, 2007

Saturday, July 14, 2007

A Blonde Joke

A young blonde woman in Narragansett was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into Rhode Island Sound. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying.

He took pity on her and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food everyday."

Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulders and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Maybe a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked.

"Well, I have an arrangement with one of the sailors", she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."

"He sure is, lady", the captain said. "This is the Block Island ferry."

Friday, July 13, 2007

Happy Friday the 13th!

Don't get chopped up or anything by a masked marauder.....

How many different murderers have there been in the Friday the 13th movies....

it's a trick question....

Scroll down....

1. Jason (The rest of the films...)

2. Jason's Mom (Part 1)

3. Freddy Kreuger (Freddy vs. Jason)


Thursday, July 12, 2007

Book 33 of 52 -- Haruki Murakami's Kafka on the Shore

Ok... so SZG and Mercimek all think that "Murakami is a friggin' genius...."

I decided to pick up the most readily available and lauded of his books Kafka on the Shore.

I spent a good majority of the book going... "Umm... c'mon!" but in the end, I understand completely why they think he is a genius.

I will only be able to drink Johnny Walker from now on because of the despicable stuff that he does....

Colonel Sanders has become cool.

This will only make sense once you read this Greek Tragedy written by an old Japanese guy in the 21st Century.

The book focusses on the lives of two distinct but interrelated characters who converge eventually.

I hate my review of this book.

It's bad.

Poop on a stick.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Yankee Curse... BROKEN!

In late May, I wrote about the fact that I was a curse on the Yankees.

Click here.

Every time I had ever seen the Yankees play live at Yankee Stadium... they lost.

I was fortunate enough to get invited to a couple of Yankee games at the Stadium last week -- on Friday and Sunday.

Muh wife and I went with friends both days and we had a good time.

Both times... The YANKEES WON!

They won hands down!

Hopefully... the curse is broken....

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Damn You Tucker

It's 100+ degrees outside and you f*cking take a crap in the farthest spot possible in the yard.

I died twice on the walk back.

Breaking News!!!!! Update

I was wrong...

It was on Page 13.

Sometimes... I hate the Breaking News....

Rock of Love With Bret Michaels

Yes... I saw the commercials for this...

My favorite line is when two big breasted blonde women smoosh their half exposed breasts together... jump up and down and yell... "Look! If we push them together... we can think faster!"

I shit you not...


Monday, July 09, 2007


National Hurricane Center director Bill Proenza has left his position after staff signed a petition calling for his ouster, CNN confirms.

This is breaking news and required a special email?

I predict it will be on page 35 in the Star Ledger tomorrow.

Book 32 of 52 -- Erik Larson's The Devil in the White City

Erik Larson's The Devil in the White City is a historically correct book that proves that truth is WEIRDER than anything you can make up.

Here is my official review.


Saturday, July 07, 2007





Friday, July 06, 2007

Book 31 of 52 -- A Spot of Bother by Mark Haddon

So there I was in New Hampshire by the pool reading a bright orange colored book by the fella that wrote the masterpiece The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night Time.

A Spot of Bother is a follow up to the genius but it is not a sequel.

It focuses on a dysfunctional British family and it drained me to keep up with all of them and their insanities.

They were all cliched and familiar in the literal world.

The father had a nervous breakdown. (Been there read that.)

The mother was cheating on the husband because she felt no love (Been there read that.)

The son was gay and couldn't commit to his lover so he got dumped. (Been there read that )

The daughter couldn't commit to her second husband to be and the wedding went on and off like crazy driving the reader frigging insane. (Been there read that. )

So what's the bottom line?

With how awesome the first book was, I was disappointed with this one but I can't say that it was entirely horrible either.

Thursday, July 05, 2007

SiCKO Update

EIGHT commercials before the movie.

SEVEN previews...

One that looked remotely interesting.


Toll Takers in New Hampshire are Jerks Too

During my trip to New Hampshire recently, I rented a sweet as car for the final 45 minute drive to the resort.

I learned that New Hampshire and Massachusetts have a great deal in common.

I pulled up to the toll at the Massachusetts and New Hampshire border and since I didn't have EZ Pass with this rental, I got n the monster long CASH lane.

I pulled up to the attendant a good 8 minutes later, said "Good morning! May I please have a receipt?" And smiled.

She glared at me and took my dollar like the ex-stripper she probably was.

15 seconds later, she handed me my receipt and provided almost NO emotion at all.

Much like how I remember the toll takers in New Jersey.

What a pleasure that was and I am actually thankful for the experience


It reminded me of why I signed up for EZ Pass to begin with - to eliminate scrounging for change, having to deal with people, and saving time.

Thank you crappy New Hampshire toll taker for being the pleasant little turd that I expected and missed!

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

Happy Fourth of July

Now drink responsibly... it is in the middle of the week.

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Lindsay Lindsay Lindsay

She is 21 and one day now.

Woo hoo....

Maybe she is grown up?

Letter To Congressman Pallone Re: Bush & Libby

Dear Congressman Pallone,

My name is Tucker (Smelmooo) and I live in Metuchen, NJ.

I spend my days napping and surfing the blessed internet.

I was deeply distressed yesterday to see that our glorious President has commuted the sentence of Libby.

On behalf of Valerie Plame's dog, I implore you to seek out a remedy to this situation.

We all need to feel safe in this country and by letting convicted jerk offs like this free, our doggie liberties remain in jeopardy.

I have included a picture below of what I think of this.

Please feel free to share it with whomever you see fit.

Sincerely yours,


(Insert Electronic Pawprint Here)

Monday, July 02, 2007

6 Years Ago Today

I was just reminded that I have been working here... for 6 years ... today.

Coolest Animal Cracker Ever

This is a set of pictures of what happens when a cat and a donkey merge.

Sunday, July 01, 2007