Friday, December 31, 2004

December 31st -- End of Year Strategies

WebMD is one of my favorite websites. I love going to the site to see what is wrong with me. You can find any ailment on there and find someone who had it before you. Great site.

Now... in honor of the New Year's Eve celebrations... here is a helpful post that they put up.


Also... check back often to see if you followed the rules...

Strategies for a Hangover-Free Holiday Season
By Elizabeth Heubeck, MA
WebMD Feature

Tis the season to celebrate -- but beware! One too many glasses of eggnog at the office holiday party, or a bit more bubbly than you anticipated on New Year's Eve, and you're likely to find yourself feeling less than cheerful the day after.

Want to prevent a hangover from dampening your holiday spirits? Read on to discover tried-and-true remedies that work, new methods meant to halt hangovers before they strike, and why too much alcohol causes so much misery in the first place.

Hangovers Explained

If, while nursing a horrific hangover, you've ever asked yourself, "How a couple of seemingly harmless drinks could have led to such misery?" consider this: "Alcohol is poison. The hangover is your body recuperating from being poisoned by alcohol and its metabolites," Aaron White, PhD, assistant research professor at Duke University Medical Center, tells WebMD. Symptoms vary, but can include one or all of the following:

Raging headaches. "Alcohol intoxication seems to produce dilation of the blood vessels that surround the brain, which may contribute to the headache in some people. Alcohol also has an effect on some neurotransmitters, increasing levels of serotonin or histamine that may trigger headaches," says Bruce Hetzler, PhD, psychology professor at Lawrence University.
Dehydration. Ever wake up after a night of heavy alcohol consumption and wonder why you're tongue is stuck to the roof of your mouth? Dehydration, also partly to blame for headaches and nausea, is the culprit. It causes excess urination by stopping the release of a hormone that helps the body hold on to fluid. Also sweating, vomiting, and diarrhea that sometimes accompany excess drinking can cause a person to become dehydrated. The signs of dehydration can be dizziness, lightheadedness, thirst, and weakness -- symptoms that are felt during a hangover.
Fatigue. The day after a night of drinking and revelry, you're probably wiped out. That's because alcohol disrupts sleep. Alcohol can work as a sedative to help promote sleep. But alcohol has an effect on sleep quality. "People who drink alcohol tend to have sleep maintenance insomnia -- you wake up too soon and then you can't get back to sleep," White says. That's not the only problem. "You don't spend as much time in 'slow wave', or REM, sleep," White explains. Vital for normal emotional and physical functioning, REM sleep (the dream phase) typically comprises between 20% and 25% of total sleep time.

A breakthrough study this year by Irish researchers Adele McKinney and Kieran Coyle showed that memory and psychomotor (fine motor) performance remain impaired the morning after heavy drinking, even when blood alcohol levels have dropped to zero or near zero.

Other studies have also shown that alcohol can interfere with normal 24-hour rhythms -- such as normal variations in heart rate and blood pressure seen at night. A racing heart can in extreme cases lead to a heart attack. Increased blood pressure and heart rate during a severe hangover can double the risk of a heart attack, reports Jeffrey Weise, associate professor of medicine at Tulane Health Sciences Center in New Orleans.

Who Is Susceptible to Hangovers?

Those two glasses of wine you had last night seemed innocent enough, or was it four? Most people who get hangovers have no intention of drinking too much. In fact, light to moderate drinkers are 70% more likely to get hangovers than heavy drinkers, according to Wiese.

Women bear a disproportionate burden of hangovers. "Alcohol produces a higher blood alcohol content in females than in males, due to several factors: weight, distribution of body fat, and the way our bodies metabolize alcohol," Hetzler tells WebMD.

Personality may also play a role in a hangover's severity. Recent research indicates that increased hangover symptoms occur more often in people who are neurotic, angry, and defensive.

But let's not fool ourselves. While certain characteristics may increase the risk of a hangover or worsen its effects, anyone who drinks to excess can incur the dreaded next-day menace.


Before the hangover hits, you can do some damage control. Here are some of the old-fashioned remedies you may have heard of that really work.

Choose your beverage of choice wisely. "A couple of studies show that alcoholic beverages that are mainly just alcohol and water, like vodka and gin, produce less severe hangovers, while other compounds that contain congeners -- brandy, whisky, red wine, to name a few -- tend to produce more severe hangovers," Hetzler tells WebMD. What if you're a beer lover? "Beer has a relatively low congener level, although the heavier the beer, the more congener it contains," Hetzler says.
Eat before you drink. "The alcohol is absorbed more slowly when you have food in your stomach," White tells WebMD. Exactly what should you eat? Whatever you want. "It's a myth that one type of food is better than another," he says.
Pace yourself. White suggests having a nonalcoholic drink between each alcoholic beverage, which helps to maintain a low blood alcohol level, and keeps you hydrated.
Replenish lost fluids. Before you put your head on the pillow, guzzle some water or other nonalcoholic drink, but avoid caffeine. Like alcohol, it has a diuretic effect and may contribute to hangover symptoms.
Take over-the-counter pain relief before the headache hits. Experts warn, however, to avoid acetaminophen (Tylenol), a common aspirin alternative. "Too much acetaminophen is toxic to the liver. Alcohol can disrupt the metabolism of acetaminophen, making it even more toxic to the liver," White says. Although the risk of liver damage from the combination is minimal, it's possible, he explains.

New Hangover Prevention Strategies?

You may have seen ads for products that promise a night of excessive drinking with minimal hangover residue, simply by popping some pills or even changing the way you consume alcohol. But do they work?

As for the hangover prevention pills, many in the medical community remain unconvinced of their effectiveness. "They haven't been carefully studied," Hetzler says.

A few "hangover helper" pills contain a single key ingredient designed to ward off the unpleasant aftereffects of alcohol. Artichoke extract is one of them. While the product manufacturer touts this natural substance's effectiveness against hangovers, scientists at the UK's Peninsula Medical School found artichoke extract ineffective at curbing alcohol's aftereffects.

Of all the hangover helper pills, HPF Hangover Prevention Formula™ -- an herbal supplement containing derivatives of the prickly pear cactus -- has shown the most promise. Researchers found it reduces three of nine hangover symptoms: nausea, dry mouth, and loss of appetite. It's believed to work by reducing the body's inflammatory response that alcohol causes.

But skepticism remains high.

"The supplement [HPF Hangover Prevention FormulaTM] is designed mostly to address allergic reactions that cause headaches. It does nothing for things like abstract memory impairment linked with learning, nothing for the central nervous system suppression, the diuretic effect, etc.," asserts Patrick Breslin, an alcohol and drug prevention facilitator at Western Wisconsin Technical College.

"The only evidence is their [manufacturers'] own internal reports. To the best of my knowledge, there's no evidence that there's any supplement you can take that will prevent a hangover. These claims have not stood up to scientific scrutiny by unbiased researchers," White tells WebMD. Incidentally, the study that demonstrated the prickly pear derivative's defense against hangovers was supported by the product's manufacturer.

Vaporized Alcohol

If hangover prevention pills don't work, there's also a whole new way to consume alcohol intended to curb the nasty aftereffects of consumption. The alcohol-vapor machine, or "alcohol without liquid" (AWOL) device, works by turning shots of liquor into an inhaled alcohol mist. The vaporized alcohol then mixes with oxygen and is inhaled through a tube, creating an immediate high and, according to product claims, no hangover.

But is it safe? With AWOL, alcohol bypasses the liver, which normally filters the body's toxins, and goes directly into the brain -- even before reaching the bloodstream. That means someone heavily under the influence of AWOL could very likely pass a breathalyzer test if, in fact, the alcohol hadn't yet reached the bloodstream.

That's why Diageo, the world's leading beer, wine, and spirits company and an industry leader in promoting responsible drinking, recently announced that it supports proposed New York State legislation banning AWOL machines until further research clarifies possible risks. And, at least one New York City suburb has banned AWOL due to concerns over possible health risks.

So where does that leave those of us who want to dodge the hangover, despite having imbibed a bit more than planned? Resort to old-fashioned remedies. "Two aspirin, a glass of water, sleep, and a multivitamin in the morning -- if you can stomach it -- are probably the best things to do," Hetzler suggests.

Published Nov. 29, 2004.

SOURCES: Aaron White, PhD, assistant research professor, Duke University Medical Center. Bruce Hetzler, PhD, psychology professor, Lawrence University. Jeffrey Wiese, MD, associate professor of medicine, Tulane Health Sciences Center, New Orleans. Patrick Breslin, Alcohol, Tobacco, and Other Drug Problem Prevention Facilitator, Western Wisconsin Technical College. Adele McKinney and Kieran Coyle, researchers, department of mental health, Queens University Belfast.

Thursday, December 30, 2004

CD Clean Up and Embarrassing CD List

This has been the holiday season for most of you... but it has been another season for me.
I have been cleaning out all of muh CDs in preparation to sell them. The impetus was the purchase of an iPod so all of the CDs that muh wife and I own are now on the iPod and on the newly installed hard drive on muh computer (thanks Dan...)
I have been spending an hour here and an hour there writing up Ebay listings for the CDs. As of this writing, I have over 750 CDs that will be sold to the lucky people of the world. I expect maybe 600 of them will sell at different prices.
The point though... is ... how the hell or where the hell did many of these CDs come from? I don't remember buying some of them and yet... I probably did over the past ten years.
Here is a list of some CDs that I had no idea I had surprised that I had it. If I have offended any of you for yuor musical tastes...then good... what the hell are you listening to anyway?
1. Mariah Carey -- #1's
2. Hanson -- TWO CDs! The one with MMMBop! I can understand...but the second one?
3. Enuff Znuff - Enuff Znuff -- They were a really horrible hair band... "New Thing" Yes... I admit that it was a fun song...but did it really merit buying a whole new CD?
4. The soundtrack for Duets, Bounce and Sweet November -- Three sh*tty movies -- three sh*tty soundtracks.
5. Frente! - The exclamation point in their name says it all.
6. Ultimate Dance Party 1997 and 1998 -- For those of you that have seen the Smelmooo dance... I am first... sorry... and I am second... reminding you of the finger pointing...
7. OMC -- How Bizarre -- You remember the song... it sucked...and guess what!!?!?! the CD sucked even more.
8. The Simpsons Sing the Blues -- I used to love the show...but when did I buy this CD of Simpsons characters singing the Blues? I need medication.
9. Vonda Shepherd --- uhhh... crap...
10. Smash Mouth -- Once again... the first one..I'll give ya... but who really needs three different Smash Mouth Cds.....
Honorable Mention -- TWO Celine Dion CDs the world of blogging...

On behalf of the entire blogging community, it is muh pleasure to welcome Matt M. to the world of blogging.

Check out his warped mind at

Wednesday, December 29, 2004

I was called three things today...

... Clever, original and a little bit sassy....

Not bad... could be worse I suppose.

Top Five Tuesday

I figured that right before the New Year... I would give you the worst Top Five Tuesday list EVER.

That way... when the New Year begins... you will appreciate me more.

Go ahead... appreciate me... show me love... but until then...

The leftovers of 2004...

Top Five Hamburger Toppings
1. Pickles (Sandwhich slices...)
3. Green Ketchup (Shrek flavored...)
4. French Fries (Fat Cat Style!!!)
5. Hot Dogs (Slice em up and lay them flat.. it is a meat sandwich...)
Top Five Nicknames For that State When Your Butt Leaks All Day
1. Swamp Ass
2. Slimy Tush
3. Olestra Butt
4. Slick Crack
5. Gross
Top Five Christmas Presents (Thank You Karen) For No Apparent Reason
1. Candy -- From many different sources, I got the gift that keeps on giving from mouth to stomach to thighs.
2. Metuchen Book -- From muh honey, I got a picture book about the town of Metuchen. How much does that rock?
3. Basketball Hoop -- From muh parents, I got a basketball hoop that will be used to improve muh mad skills... or at least muh dunking skills at 8 feet.
4. Bocce Ball Set -- Muh honey provided this gift... now.. .let's see... I think I want to build an entire court along the side of the house. Is that a waste of yard?
5. Season 3 of 24 -- Thanks Steve... I love Secret Santa.
Top Five Guilty Pleasure Websites
Top Five Places To Go On a Crappy Snowy Day
1. Your attic.
2. Your basement
3. Your living room next to a fire.
4. Your kitchen... to cook up some soup...
5. Your office... to read stupid guilty pleasure websites.
Top Five Reasons Why I Am Glad Christmas is Over
1. My radio stations stop playing Christmas music over and over and over again.
2. Muh honey and I can go to Cheesecake Factory again and have to deal with just Cheesecake Factory parking issues instead of also have to deal with shoppers parking issues.
3. The commercialism kills me.
4. I can drive again on the streets of New Jersey... phew.. only MILD congestion.
5. So I could have a top five list to write...

Tuesday, December 28, 2004

Congrats to Gina...

... She got engaged.

Welcome to the roller coaster... enjoy the ride.

Unreasonable Reason to Hate....Sting... and the Damn Police

Soo... I hate Sting. I hate the Police and I can't stand listening to them. They actually cause a reaction in me that makes me groan out the noise and reach across whomever is near me to change the song.

The reason I hate them is completely unreasonable.

Back when I was in high school, I dated a very lovely young lady by the initials of MS. Those of you that knew me back then and muh wife know who I am talking about.

She LOOOOVEDDDD Sting. Sting was her main man...and when you are a young teenager, it is often difficult to separate the real world with the only world that you know -- High School. It is tough to see beyond the world of high school as it dictates your life.

Regardless, I began to develop a jealous anomosity towards Sting and his merry band of misfits. This green beast dominated my thoughts and I would refuse to let Sting be played when I was able to control it... that is... whenever MS wasn't around.

The reason was simple... I always came in second to Sting... muh teenage heart would eventually be broken the day Sting visited Flemington, New Jersey.

Sooo... we eventually broke up and the hatred for Sting and the Police remained. It was the only irrational thought process that I have ever held on to. It then was exascerbated in college when GC was the exact same way. She loved Sting even more I think. Here I was... in honors classes and being the overachiever that I was, but I couldn't separate reality from a stupid crush.

Sting and the Police remained an evil gang in muh book...

There... they remain today... I hate them... and it is for a completely unreasonable and irrational reason...

Monday, December 27, 2004

That's Right!!! Christian Thongs !!!!

Get yours here!!!

Thoughts of the smelmooo - Some Follow Ups to Previous Blogs

As the New Year approaches, I thought it might be fitting to revisit a few of my old blogs to sort of give an update.

1. Putting the Toilet Seat Down -- After some deliberation, I believe that one of the main reasons that I always put the toilet seat down had nothing to do with functionality or looks, it had everything to do with preventing the animals from drinking or falling in. ALthough as I reach older ages... I wish the cats would have fallen in...

2. Day After Christmas -- We didn't go to any stores on the day after. Thank god....

3. Connie and Carla -- We were reading theNewark Star Ledger this weekend and they listed the worst movies of 2004. Connie and Carla was the proud winner of worst comedy. It wasn't nearly as bad as Welcome to Mooseport... which we also recently watched. On behalf of all of you..avoid W to M at all costs....

4. Gina's holiday party turned out to kick some major ass. Good job to her and once again... topping my chart of holiday parties thrown by friends from college. It is a distinct honor.

5. Ichabod is our friend and he continues to shower us with love... even though we keep feeding him more crap.

Have a good 2005...I will still be with you until the big day though....

Sunday, December 26, 2004

Get Married... Time Starts Over!!!

Muh honey and I have known each other since April of 2001.

From the day that we actually met for the first time, it has been pretty hard to separate us. We do the mundane things together. We do the big social events together. We are truly a pair and we are truly united.

I proposed to muh honey in July of 2003. By that point, muh honey and I had already celebrated three Fourth of Julys and Memorial Days together. We had celebrated two birfdays each togeter, two Christmases together and two Thanksgivings together. We celebrated together because we were a couple.

In October of 2004, we were married. We had spent three and a half years of our lives together and we went to the next step of marriage. Marriage was the beginning of our lives together officially... That's when "time" began... and it doesn't make me smile...

I came across this revelation recently when someone I know... said to me... "Awww... it's your first Christmas together...Isn't that cute?... you excited?"

My response was quick... "No... as it is our fourth Christmas together... "

That's when I realized that all the time together before getting married was all for naught in many people's eyes... The memories that we had created are erased as though the dating period of our relationship was on a dry erase board while the married part of our relationship was moving towards permanent marker on cardboard...

Why does time start over when you get married? I understand the concept... but I want to celebrate the fact that muh honey and I are actually celebrating a lot more than just 3 months together... it has been almost 4 years!

Saturday, December 25, 2004

Merry Christmas

The Smelmooo and his lovely wife wish you and your lovely families a happy and merry and warm Christmas.

Don't forget what the day really means...

Friday, December 24, 2004

And the Award Goes to...

..for cheesiest movie of 2004 that should be viewed as crap but turned out to be one of the funnest movies I have seen in a long time although I can't say it was Oscar material and all I was expecting was crap but I still laughted a whole bunch anyway AWARD....

The winner....

Bum bum bum...

Connie and Carla!!!!

Oh boy... this is in print and I will take some flack from some of you, but muh honey and I just spent our glorious day off watching Connie and Carla.

We put it in knowing it wasn't going to be a funny movie, but it turned out to be pretty darn good.

Mucho props to the chick from My Big Fat Greek Wedding -- her name is too long to type and Toni Collette from the Sixth Sense... they played women pretending to be men pretending to be men... in a killer fashion.

You go girls.

Seriously though...

This is a perfect film for a brain dead Saturday afternoon...

Now... I must go watch something with Oscar implications... or.. wrap Christmas presents..

Thursday, December 23, 2004

Just BLOW YOUR NOSE!!... (Or... How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Muh Shots...)

As I watch my friends having children, I watch them as they handle each of their children's ailments. I remember the ailments I used to have as a kid too.

One of the things I remember vividly growing up was my inability to blow my nose. I remember all the times my mother was exasperated with me for complaining that I couldn't. She would just get upset with me as she thought that I was just whining because I didn't want to do something disgusting. She didn't realize that I simply couldn't. I would blow and blow and blow and I couldn't get anything to come out. I watch some of my friends with their children and I see that it is a common thing for them to not want to blow their nose. Man... I wish I could have.

This is also coupled with another memory. I remember going to check ups and having doctors tell my parents that they knew I had big tonsils and that I would grow into them.

These finally came to a head in my Freshman year of college. I was feeling as though I was having breathing problems as I couldn't breath except through my mouth so I finally convinced my mother to take me to an Ears, Nose and Throat specialist.

The time for the visit arrived and we went to the doctor. I was sitting on the table and my mother was sitting in the chair to the right of the table. The doctor came in, took a look in my nose and (I am 100% serious about this) said LOUDLY, "Oh my GOD! Have you seen these things?" He then made my mother look at the humungous adenoids (Nasal tonsils). He then asked, "How long have you been unable to blow your nose? Those are swollen."

19 years was the correct answer.

On subsequent visits, the doctor was sure to bring in students so that he could show them how much of a freak show muh face was.

After surgery that removed my tonsils, adenoids and 1/3 of the swollen lining in my nose, I was finally breathing easier.

The story then gets funny.

I grew up with a dog and a couple of cats. I never had any allergic reactions to them. The reason was simple. I couldn't. My nasal passages were so swollen that muh body wasn't able to express its allergies to the animals. Without any of those things up there anymore, my body was free to begin to react to the allergies.

It took me about 6 years before I finally sucked it up and began getting allergy shots. I can now play again with dogs and enjoy the company of the most evil animal on the planet -- the cat.

What did I gather from all of this?

Simple... if your kids say they can't blow their nose... just don't ignore them..w atch them and see if it is real... a medical doctor screaming "OH MY GOD" about something in your body is and will never be a good thing.

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

Pennsylvania, New York and Delaware... HERE WE COME!!! Oh wait... let me get some money first....

I live in a great state. I live in New Jersey. I love New Jersey for a variety of reasons. They include:

1. The diversity of the state's residents allows me to get any kind of food that I want at any time of day. Besides New York another community where this can happen...

2. You can go from the shore to farmland to industrial waste sites to honest to goodness mountains all within an hour of each other.

3. Hot Dog Johnny's

4. The people are so colorful and that makes the lifestyle and groups colorful as well.

Now... I noticed something a couple of years ago that made me chuckle.

Ever notice that when you want to LEAVE the great State of New Jersey that you have to pay to leave? Think about it. When you go through any of the major tunnels or over bridges to New York, you have to pay a toll. When you cross over the Ben Franklin or bridges in New Hope Pennsylvania, you have to pay a toll. When you go to the Delaware Memorial Bridge or Cape May Lewis Ferry... you pay a fee.

Also note, that there are almost no instances in which you have to pay to get back INTO New Jersey. I really can't think of anywhere except maybe the Cape May Lewis Ferry....

There are also very ew places where you don't have to pay to leave or enter New Jersey. For example, there is a bridge between New Hope and Lambertville but there is also a toll bridge a half mile up the river. There is also a crossing in Washington's Crossing State Park and one in Trenton that doesn't require a toll... but even the one in Trenton is a 1/4 of a mile from another crossing from a toll.

I worry about what this actually says about our state. I see it as saying one of two things.

1. We know you had such a killer time in New Jersey that we have to charge you for the super funness.

2. Ha ha... if you wanna get out of our Godawful state... you gotta pay... come on... you want out? Pay up!!!!

Either way... it is just something I noticed recently...

We live in the ultimate Pay As You Go state....

Tuesday, December 21, 2004


Q: why did ron artest leave the game early?
A: he wanted to beat the crowd.

Thank you Matt B.

Muh Buddy is Different...

I have a friend who used to go by the name Fatty....

His other name is Chris Bowman...

He apparently leads another life...

One that involves being black and having a Top 50 Jazz album...

Click here...

Welcome to Mandonna!

Just in case the world of asphalt doesn't pan out.

Click here...

Top Five Tuesday Christmas Style

Top Five Things I Am Looking Forward To On Christmas
1. Saying Happy Holidays to the people who are working on that day at whatever store I stop at. heh heh...
2. Celebrating the Baby Jesus' birth... oh wait... isn't that what Christmas is SUPPOSED to be about?
3. My mom's oatmeal butterscotch cookies.
4. Popping in Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics CD -- all day long... Cartman singing Oh Holy Night is the greatest Christmas song ever.
5. Spending it with muh hunny.

Top Five Reasons That I Will Never Want to Cook Christmas Din Din
1. Children are so damn messy....
2. It is too cold outside to send the kids out to draw on the ASPHALT driveway.
3. Do people really understand and appreciate how much cooking takes out of you? Yes... but do they understand the clean up afterwards? Noooooo...
4. If I am doing all the cleaning... I will miss Home Alone for the umteenth million time.
5. I want to eat it warm...

Top Five Christmas Porn Movies I Made Up
1. Oh Whole-ly Knight (Medieval setting...)
2. Oh Tan-em-bum
3. Deck the Balls
4. Rudolph the Red Nosed Porndeer (Not original... I know...)
5. Little Drummer Boy, Watch Him Beat It

Top Five Ways to Piss Off Your Family at Christmas
1. Announce that you will be joining a Pagan tribe in upstate North Dakota.
2. (If a family member is in Hawaii for work...) After the prayer... slip in under your breath... "and please... let (insert name here) get leighed."
3. Walk in with blood(ketchup) all over your shirt, a steering wheel around your neck, and a pair of antlers and announce... "I never saw the fat bastard coming..."
4. Tell everyone that you have a really good movie for everyone to watch... and "accidentally" slip in Little Drummer Boy, Watch Him Beat It.
5. Can anyone say... Christmas of DEATH!??!?!?! (Do it yourself!)

Top Five Christmas Songs and Who They Were Sung By
1. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer -- Neil Diamond
2. O Holy Night -- Neil Diamond
3. Little Drummer Boy -- Neil Diamond
4. The First Noel -- Neil Diamond
5. God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen -- Neil Diamond

Top Five Worst Christmas Songs and Who They Were Sung By
1. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer -- Anybody who ISN'T Neil Diamond
2. O Holy Night -- Anybody who ISN'T Neil Diamond
3. Little Drummer Boy -- Anybody who ISN'T Neil Diamond
4. The First Noel -- Anybody who ISN'T Neil Diamond
5. God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen -- Anybody who ISN'T Neil Diamond

New Harry Potter!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's coming!!!


Woo hoo...,19736,1010383,00.html

Monday, December 20, 2004

Happy Birfday

Gina & Chris turn one year older today.

I won't even tell you how old they are... especially Gina.

A Night Out in Philly -- Santas and Dominatrixes

Last Friday, muh honey and I travelled the 80+ miles to Philadelphia to watch muh friend's band play in a little club on South Street. We got there early, settled in at our friend's apartment, met her lovely new beau and went out in the town for some dinner, a live show, and copious amounts of alcoholic beverages.

(Life in the Balance is the band and you can visit their website by clicking on Matt's Band link to the right....)

The dinner with friends was fun. We celebrated Chris' 26th birfday and got ready to head over to the bar to see the band. They were still setting up so we wandered upstairs to get some $2 beers and prepared ourselves to watch the band.

The 10 of us or so were sitting on some couches drinking beers and appletinis (heh heh ...) when a trio of women dressed as slutty Santas walked into the bar. There was some oogling and some grunting... (You can determine which sexes of our group were doing which gerund...) They were followed by some guys dressed as Santa... and then it seemed that withing 1 minute, the entire upstairs was FULL of Santas... slutty or rotund or both!

WE made our way through the literally hundreds of Santas as we heard Matt's band start to play. It took almost an entire song, but we were able to finally beat back the Santas and get close enough to the stage...It was a struggle as the entire downstairs was also covered in wall to wall Santas. These Santas were merry buggers with lots of drinks in their hands and in their bellies. Even though there were a lot of them and they were annoying at times, they were esentially all just having harmless fun.

We watched the show... with screaming Santas... it was a memorable experience and we learned that the bar was a stop on the "Running of the Santas." They were on a pub crawl....When the band's set was over... we decided to leave the Santas and head out to a new bar that was much quieter and a place where we could all sit and talk. We found that place a block and a half away.

For an hour or so, we bonded, drank some beer, and just enjoyed each other's company. It was a great night... but then it got funnier.

A group of misfit looking folks walked in. Some of them were wearing signs while others were just hopeless looking. A few of them sat at the table next to ours... and after a few minutes, I had to know what this group was about. I struck up a conversation with the group. There were some of the most pleasant people I had ever met randomly in a bar. After a few minutes, I asked the woman next to me what was up... saying something to the effect of... "So... we have seen a gang of Santas wearing signs and stickers... what group are you guys?"

She pleasantly looked at me... and slyly said... "We are the BDS&M group. We had a party planned down the street but it got cancelled... because of spanking."

I was smart enough to figure out what BDS&M stood for at this point... but I asked anyway... "Bondage, Domination Sadism & Masochism" Group.

This is where Rutgers did me some good. I didn't even flnch at it... I don't care what they do... as long as it doesn't hurt me at all... but we continued to chat and made some fun temporary bar friends.

They were certainly an interesting cap to the evening.... an evening of slutty Santas and Spanking Recluses.

Good times were had by all....

Sunday, December 19, 2004

Vintage Smelmooo

Vintage Smelmooo. Back in 2001, I wrote this rant about my lunch break. Please note that it still applies today.

Route 130 Stupidity…

Ya know...

When I go out and wander into the world, I am reminded of how being smart and efficient is sometimes a curse and a blessing.

I went wandering up and down the Route 130 corridor this afternoon getting chores done - just to get out of the office. Let's go over my hour. Shall we?

1. I had a coupon for a free Chef Boy Ar Dee meal so I went up to the MAMMOTH Pathmark up the road because I also wanted to get some iced tea mix.for some reason....I just like their fake iced tea better than the rest. During the day... I usually go to Shop-Rite (because their parent company, Wakefern, NEVER gives Herb money in times of political campaigns. I HAVE to support that initiative.) So..I do not know Path-Mark that well and I ask the front which of the 39 lanes are the cans of Chef Boy Ar Dee goodnesses(new word created for effect)? The third time I had to ask because the previous two attempts went miserably, I was pissed. Two attempts...two failures to determine the location BY THE EXPERT behind the counter. Thankfully, I finally found it myself. The expert was indignant when I went back to inform him that his two attempts at locations for the Chef Boy Ar Dee were wrong. For those who care, I am currently enjoying Chickien Parmesan out of a can. Not as good as lasagna out of a can, but hey...

2. True Value -- I need two copies of my house key made. They decided that this was the appropriate time to EDUCATE someone on the machine. Already annoyed with my previous visit... I inappropriately sighed and walked out to my car to get my book -- interestingly enough a story about the Black Market and terrorism. Why is that interesting? I will explain later. I have no problem with people being taught how to perform a skill on my dime, but this one went way too far...when the guy messed up his FOURTH key, I finally lost it enough to say. "Uh...guys?... uh... did we forget that I was actually here?" Their response...? "Oh...I sorry...I am lerning. (spelled wrong for purpose of effect.) I will go get the manager to do it." Ten minutes later..the manager finally shows up and does the least they were free and I got six chapters read.

3. Car Wash - For those of you that have been to a car wash before, you know there are three main types of employees. a) The Chick who takes your money. b) The poor unfortunate souls asked to towel down your glorious vehicle. c) The Fella assigned to driving the car into the place. In my experience, I would like to focus on PERSON C because the others performed their tasks to the best of their abilities and I am proud of them. Person C must have the following skills to perform his tasks. He must be able to GREET the customer. He then must be able to HEAR and MENTALLY PROCESS the customer's request to offer the customer his needed paperwork to approach Person A to complete the financial portion of the transaction. Person C must have one more skill. He must be able to Get the car from Point A to Point B. This usually involves igniting the car's engine and pressing his foot on the gas or putting the car into gear and releasing the clutch simultaneously pressing the accelerator in a standard shift vehicle. MY PERSON C WAS UNABLE TO MOVE THREE CARS IN A ROW BECAUSE HE DID NOT UNDERSTAND THE CONCEPT OF A STANDARD SHIFT. I am a reasonable and tolerant man, but after watching the two cars in front of me go through this intolerable abuse, I wanted to NOT go through the car wash, but we all know about those LANES they get us in and we cannot excape (spelled wrong for effect). I was beyond the point of no return. Poor poor Skip (Agga name for my car..I know.) His heart was defibrulated three times before the guy jolted the car far enough to get it into the groove. Person C was a dufus.. plain and simple and should not have been given that prestigious position. I find it comparable to being promoted from fries to Burger Board but not being able to grasp the concept that the burger goes BETWEEN the buns.

Thank you for taking a quick ride on my afternoon...and my experiences with people who are not in skilled labor positions and are proving why they have those positions.

DUMB THEORY -- I am under the belief that there is a major international group working to dumbify the country with its inane thoughts and beliefs and practices. I have no proof, but someone is responsible for the dummification of the masses and simple tasks. There used to be a day, according to my dear father, when people worked hard for a living no matter WHAT their job was. I remember in Back to the Future when Marty McFly was walking through 1955 after being subjected to the Flux Capacitor. He passed a Texaco and the people RAN out to the car to take care of the huge 20 ton Buick. Where have those days gone?

Saturday, December 18, 2004

We Went on the Family Plan

The Smelmooo and his wife went on a little adventure this week.

We went family plan cell phone shopping.

The Smelmooo's wife finally broke down and allowed herself to get a Verizon phone with her husband. This took a lot of convincing as she was under some belief that Verizon wasn't as good. When the Smelmooo finally brought it up with others, she started to see just how great Verizon is.

The Smelmooo and his wife went to the local Verizon wireless store and signed up. After some deliberation, as the salesman wasn't very clear with his descriptions even after the pair asked him to explain the "plans" as though they had no prior knowledge of the plans, the Smelmooo and his wife decided on a family plan that will eventually save them at least $720 a year on phone bills.

That is simply amazing.

To top it all off... the Smelmooo and his wife also received two free phones. Simply amazing... how do these companies make any money...

On behalf of the blog, the Smelmooo would like to thank his wife for her continued dedication and support...and her great new cell phone.

Friday, December 17, 2004

I have a confession to make...


Presidents of the United States of America...

Yes... I do...


Click here...

I am speechless....

Gives a whole new meaning to the term.... BLOCKHEAD

CLick here...

Things You Should KNow About the Smelmooo

I haven't done one of these babies in a long time.

1. Giving birth to an iPod is a long and ardous process. First, it involves getting yourself to the mall, then it means walking into an Apple store, then it means debating which one you want and which one you should get, then it involves choosing what accessories to get for it, then it involves whipping out the plastic, then it involves setting it up with your computer. Now... you need music. The Smelmooo is almost done ripping all of his CD's .. god bless the small things.

2. During the holiday season, we get various gifts in the mail. The Smelmooo has no qualms when it comes to rushing the baskets and taking what he wants... especially if there is cheese involved. Other people be damned.

3. The Smelmooo and his lovely wife recently were blessed to come across one of those lovely light up deer(s) that you put out at Christmas time. The Smelmooo can't quite put it outside yet. He named it "Deer" and it lives inside... lit to the tree. They are connected somehow... somewhow...

4. The Smelmooo loves watching candles burn. Nothing else... just candles...

5. The Smelmooo was reminded this week of how much he loves crappy horror movies. He watched the 7th movie of the Puppet Master series. God... it totally sucked... but the Smelmooo still loves killer matter what!

6. The Smelmooo is completely looking forward to watching his buddy's band play this weekend at Abilene's in Philly. How awesome.

7. The Smelmooo is sick of holiday parties... except Gina's. He still loves that one... so very much.

8. The Smelmooo is so happy for Ebay... they have accessories for things taht are so handy and so much cheaper...

Thursday, December 16, 2004

Pepsi Caps Plea

Dear Readers,

I like to play games. I especially love the games that are under the caps of my favorite beverages.

Over the summer, I got caught up in the dang Snapple game called Snaffle. It isn't an auction it isn't a raffle... it is a Snaffle!

Currently, I am caught up in the Pepsi game. They have the orange caps and if you match three of the teams, you get a free T-Shirt. I have a couple of pairs and I am asking you my readers to see if you can complete any of my sets.

I promise to trade and continue to work on helping you finish your sets. Maybe by putting this out there, I will find others who are playing the same game as me.

I currently have:

49ers - 1
Bears - 2
Bills - 1
Browns - 1
Colts - 1
Cowboys - 2
Jaguars - 1
Jets - 1
Raiders - 1
Rams - 2
Redskins - 1
Saints - 2

If you have any of these, please let me know. I just want to see if I can get at least one shirt. ;-)

Thanks a lot...

The Smelmooo

Thank you Everyone...

We have reached 10,000 hits! Life is grand.

According to muh records... this was accomplished by a Mr. Danny B.

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

Proper Toilet Seat Ettiquette... a Valid Argument

At the gym, there is a sign that reads...

"Unisex Bathroom Ettiquette -- Please wipe the seat and put it down."

By now, you must be wondering... uh oh... where the hell is he going to go with this one... and you would be right.

It is a constant reminder to me of how much I am not a fan of the idea that men HAVE to put the toilet seat down when they finish. It is an antiquated notion -- especially in this post feminism world that we live in. (That is another argument... the election of W. had put the movement on hold or slow crawl for another four years... )

Back to the issue at hand, I will give you all a couple of things.

1. As an adult, I recognize the fact that it is probably more correct for the toilet seat to be put down. It looks nicer and is a more fitting use of the aparatus.

2. The toilet is an item in the house that is a necessity and no matter how you look at it, the purpose of the toilet is to put human waste in... whether you do it standing or sitting.

3. I was raised by my mother to put the toilet seat down. It is what I do. Has my wife ever complained to me about me not putting the seat down? I do it to be polite for the most part but do I feel like I should have to? The answer is no.

I hear women complain all the time about falling into the toilet because their A-hole husband didn't put the seat down. I offer this to you...

1. As an adult, you should have an awareness of who you are. It is simple enough to turn around and see if the seat is in the proper position. Grow up...

2. In a world where I see my teacher friends complain about their jobs -- not because of the kids but because of the parents who blame all of their children's actions on someone else -- I get more and more infatuated with the concept on how nothing is our fault. Someone else must be to blame for the fact that I didn't look to see if the seat was up or down... I don't do anything wrong. I suggest that those that fall into the toilet on more than one occasion to grow up and take responsibility -- literally - for your own ass.

3. I am also amazed at the women that complain how they "always" fall in because their husband "always" leaves the seat up. Even Pavlov's dogs learned to eat at the sound of a bell. You would think that a wet ass would deter some folks from this... apparently not.

I leave you with this final thought, and I hate to generalize this to all women so I say this to those that are dopey enough to fall in over and over again. Grow up... and recognize where you are... It is important for the continuation of our species...

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Top Five Tuesday

Top Five Reasons I Was Happy With the Outcome of Survivor
1. Playboy and Nude Model Ami didn't win...
2. An asphalt laborer won the grand prize.
3. I won a case of beer.
4. A dude won....
5. Jeff Probst finally wore a different shirt.

Top Five People I Want to Meet in Heaven
1. Heaven's Gate Followers
2. Laci Peterson
3. Nicole Simpson
4. Andre the Giant
5. St. Peter (I want to be part of a joke....)

Top Five Reasons that Fighting SHOULD be ENCOURAGED Between Fans and NBA Players
1. Improved Ratings for college games
2. Slow news week...
3. I hate the NBA... anything to kill it.
4. Anything to make Latrell Spreewell look like a kitten
5. Some fans just plain deserve it.

Top Five Coolest Body Parts
1. Belly Button
2. Achilles' Tendon
3. Ear Lobe
4. The part of the nose between the nostrils
5. Pinky toes...

Top Five Chicken Tenders Shapes
1. Rocket Ship
2. Star
3. Carrots
4. Apples
5. Circles

Top Five Methods to Clean Out Ear Wax
1. Water Pick
2. Prostitute's tongue
3. Q-Tip
4. Pinkie
5. Scrapey thingy -- readily available when the hygenist turns his/her back.

Monday, December 13, 2004


I won... nah nah nah nah nah nah...

Assshhhfault lost.... hah ha ha ha ha..

One case of Harp please...

Home Depot -- 3 Forms of ID Please

For an annual holiday work function, we have a raffle of sorts and we raise money from people by selling chances to win valuable prizes. This year was no different. I was charged with buying six of the gifts. so I set out to buy these gifts.

My first stop was Dick's Sporting Goods. Three minutes later, I had a pretty expensive gift card in my hand. There were no issues.

My second stop was Best Buy. At Best Buy, I had to buy a portable DVD Player, a digital camera, and an expensive gift card. 8 minutes later, I was out of the store -- once again... NO ISSUES.

My third stop was Barnes and Noble. I was relieved to see that no one was on line so I got to the register and purchased another hefty gift card. 3.5 minutes later, I was out of the store with .. you guessed it... NO ISSUES.

My last stop was on the way in to work the next day. I went to Home Depot to get another generous gift card. I like to go to Home Depot at about 8:00 am as I find the contractors have already hit the place up and the regular people haven't shown up yet, so the staff is attentive, awake and usually helpful.

As I approached the only open register, I thought that I was in heaven as I thought... HOW LONG CAN IT TAKE TO PURCHASE A GIFT CARD? My first thought was that it would take a couple of minutes. How could I have known that it would have taken 16 minutes to purchase a gift card?

When I told her the amount I wanted, she sighed and immediately picked up the phone next to her register. 5 minutes later with a line of people 6 people deep, she finally reached someone who said they would be right up. I told her to take other people while we waited for the manager, but she was adamant that the person would be RIGHT THERE. 8 minutes later and with a line that was now 9 people deep, the manager arrived and gave her the approval to ring up my gift card.

There was a caveat. I needed to show two forms of ID in addition to the credit card I was going to use. 3 minutes later, I was out of the store. It took her 2 mintues to examine all my ID's and then finally ring up the item.

What the hell happened? When did everything get so screwed up at Home Depot? When did this policy get set forth? Why did the register woman cause so much more hassle and stuff for herself? The people on line certainly weren't mad at me... they knew I told her to take them.

If you read about a lynching at a Home Depot in Middlesex County, New Jersey, they you know why it happened.

Sunday, December 12, 2004

The Two Most Dirtiest Things in the World

This first came to my attention when I watched someone I know very well through business walk into the men's room, do his business at a urinal and then walk right out. He didn't even do an obligatory running your hands under some water.

I was just icked out and now I do what I can to not shake his hand whenever I can.

I then began to think about what is the the most disgusting thing in the world.

My thoughts ran wild... I thought of tar pits, garbage dumps, hospital waste facilities, and even sewers. I can't compare them really as I can proudly say that I have never been to any of these places before so my mind wandered to what I actually come into contact with....

My mind returned to the bathroom.

The second most disgusting thing to touch in the world has to be the faucet handle. In most bathrooms I am in, the handles require some sort of use by the opposable thumb. It requires force and contact with the germ ridden handles. The only saving grace is that you will soon have soap on your hands scrubbing that stuff off.

The most disgusting thing to touch HAS to be the button you push to retrieve soap. In the bathroom at work, I have to apply a lot of force against that button just to get some soap. That HAS to be COVERED in germs and bacteria... it has to be.

I am now grossed out. Time to think about food.

Saturday, December 11, 2004

Survivor -- One Game Over -- One to Go

Survivor still has one more episode to go...officially... but the important game came to a dramatic ending last night. I ask you to remember Bill Paxton in Aliens as he said one of the greatest movie lines of all time.

"Game over man... Game over!!!!"

Survivor is still devoid of interesting and memorable characters in the grand scheme of things so they have relied a lot this year on suspenseful voting. Last night was no exception as they totalyy showed us how much Chris is in the driver's seat in the show.

But that isn't as important as something else that happened last night.

I won the game against my evil opponent... Assshhhhfault. That makes six in a row and brings my total record as 6 and 2 against Marc. Phew... what a good game.

It would just get more funny if Twila won the whole thing. That would make it three times that I would have won -- 1/2 the times -- with the absolute last pick in the draft. (Vecepia and Jenna M)

CURRENT SCORE -- Pork Chop Express (4 Remaining) -- MB's team (0 Remaining) -- The number in parenthesis was the position that person was drafted.

Pork Chop Express (Smelmooo)
Chris Daugherty (10)
Eliza Orlins (14)
Dr. Scout Cloud Lee (15)
Twila Tanner (18)
James 'Chad' Crittenden (11) BOOTED, WEEK TEN
Lisa Keiffer (3) BOOTED. WEEK SIX!
John Palyok (6) BOOTED. WEEK THREE!

Ashhhfault (MB)
Julie Berry (5) -- BOOTED!!! WEEK THIRTEEN!!!
Lea 'Sarge' Masters (4) -- BOOTED!!! WEEK NINE!!!
Rory Freeman (9) -- BOOTED!!! WEEK EIGHT!!!
John Kenney (16) -- BOOTED!!! WEEK SEVEN!!!
Travis 'Bubba' Sampson (17) -- BOOTED!!! WEEK FIVE!!!
Brady Finta (1) -- BOOTED!!!! WEEK FOUR!!!!
Mia Galeotalanza (12) -- BOOTED!!!! WEEK THREE!!!!
Dolly Neely (13) --- BOOTED!!!! WEEK TWO!!!!!
Brook Geraghty (8) --- BOOTED! WEEK ONE!!!"

Friday, December 10, 2004

Buy Blue Current Campaign

My cousin says that I am leftist... yes.. on some things..

This is dedicated to him...

Click here...

Counting Your Change...

I save my change. I was once told years ago that I should save my change. Never spend it when at a store. Just pull out fresh bills and spend from there. I have heeded that advice since about 1992 and have collected jars and jars of change.

Usually, I take the jars of change, cash them in, and take the couple of hundred bucks and buy myself something that I would never have bought for myself in the first place.

For example, one year I bought myself a really nice mountain bike and I used that sucker all the time. Another year, I went and bought myself a really nice MP3 player.

It used to be harder to collect change when I was living in apartments. I used to have two separate bowls. One for change and one for quarters. I needed to separate the largest quanity out from the rest of the bunch because I needed clean clothes! Now...with a washer and a dryer in the house, collecting significant amounts of change is a lot simpler.

I took in another jar this week and I just love watching the people behind the counter when I bring in the big jar. They KNOW that I am going to fill up one of their bags and that requires them getting up to change the big heavy suckers. That makes me smirk.

In a recent conversation with my friend Eric, I discovered that coin counting might not be as ready a service as it has become in our area. Banks are doing it for free nowadays. In fact, it began as a unique service that banks were using to attract new customers in. It just seems now that all banks offer the service of free coin counting. Who needs those pesky Coinstar machines now? No more losing pesky %'s for me anymore!

Eric then went looking on the internet for places in his area that would take his coins and not charge him a fee. Through Google and the beauty of Al Gore's invention, he came across this helpful site. That site is a cornucopia of places that you can use to count your change. I was shocked!

I just use the Penny Arcade at Commerce... it was on the list thankfully...

P.S. iPod... that's what I bougt from the change this year.... an iPod

Thursday, December 09, 2004

We had a baby...

Mr. and Mrs. Smelmooo would like to announce the birf of their new baby boy.

He comes in at a lean 6.2 ounce and measures 0.69 inches thick, 2.4 inches wide, and 4.1 inches tall. You would think with all that he could put away... he would be thicker, but he isn't.

His name?

Ichapod iPod Smelmooo....

Too Efficient for My Own Good or Why Don't I Have Any Kids?

Look... there are TWO things about the work world that realllly get muh goat.

1. Efficiency is a curse in the workplace.

Alright... I am not saying that I am better than anyone, BUT I am one of the most efficient people I know. I am given tasks to do and I generally get them all done way before the deadline.

I am also quite proficient in looking at a calendar and reviewing what I need for upcoming meetings, preparing them, acquiring the appropriate approvals and not stressing the day before something is due.

It is how I function. Muh honey and I were done with so much stuff for our wedding over the summer that by the time the week before the wedding rolled around, we were relaxed and did almost nothing for the big day.

I am efficient. There... I said it...

Now... I seem to be the one that also suffers the most because I am so efficient. I have been asked to do other people's work because they do not have the same ability to judge and ANTICIPATE what they might need to have done. I think it is aggravating at best...

It is simply frustrating.

I have decided to strike back however... I am beginning to say no and stick by it. I used to cave in sometimes as I have some pride in the way things should look and operate and I don't like to see how some people ruin the final product because of their inability to plan. I have simply stated, "I am not going to do your work because you failed to recognize what you needed to do." It is implied in this statement that too bad you gotta stay late. It ain't muh fault.

I have also decided to not turn things in early. I simply sit on them until almost the last possible second so that I can say that I was working on them.

I need more ideas. Anyone have any?

2. Not being married or having kids means you get shi*t detail.

The whole situation stinks and I think is an unfair prejudice against people like me. It is also crappy to think that I get crapped on too when it comes to snowy days. Ever notice that the Drew Carey episode about the single people suffering is so true? Who always gets to leave work first when it is bad weather? Those with kids or spouses. Single people are just not human beings. What makes those other people more important than me?

Argh... I don't rant much... but today is one of those days.


This qualifies as something you shouldn't laugh at because he got hurt... but it is frigging hilarious... it really is.

Click here.

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

Dude... Haunts Me

Check this out...


Check this out...

I want it to go away forever....

Top Five Tuesday -- Wednesday

Instead of giving you a half assed version of everyone's favorite column yesterday, I went with a half assed version of a stupid story. I do ask however... how stupid can any story be when I cause physical harm upon myself.

An all day work event yesterday kept me from the computer for most of the day... but I humbly submit Top Five Tuesday on... umm.. .Wednesday.

Top Five Reasons Why Yesterday Sucked
1. We had a raffle at the event. There were some kick ass prizes and handing them over to people was so depressing. I really wanted that portable DVD player and the gift certificates to Peter Luger's Steakhouse!
2. There was a cheese table, but I never made my way to it.
3. The stand up comic told a lot of the same jokes he told last year.
4. I don't care what anyone says... spending 6 hours on your feet just stinks.
5. It rained like Niagra Falls

Top Five Reasons Why the Star Ledger is Not My Favorite Newspaper Anymore
1. They want to charge us $250 to list our wedding announcement in the paper.
2. They do not have an application that spells out costs soooo... you fill out the application, send it in and then they try to bill you.
3. The delivery guy always seems to have it land in the one puddle. Double bag it for goodness sake!
4. They gave Blade Trinity 2 1/2 stars... what?
5. They want to charge us $250 to list our wedding announcement in the paper. (Can you tell that this really bothers me....)

Top Five Reasons Why Muh Honey and I Have Not Been Able to Attend Free Popcorn Tuesdays at Our Local Regal Theater

1. The movies this year just plain suck. We have seen all the good ones. (Incredibles is possibly the best main stream movie out there... maybe we will see it again...)
2. Longer Work Hours
3. Netflix. Last night, we watched Bottle Rocket. That wasn't Wes Anderson's best film, but dangit... it has to be better than "Closer."
4. It is getting colder...
5. It seems to rain every Tuesday...

Top Five People That Might Win Survivor This Year -- In the Order I Think (Happens This Sunday!!!)
1. Chris Daugherty -- I am rooting for him because he is the guy and a construction guy.
2. Twila Tanner -- I am rooting for her because of all of them, she deserves it the most.
3. Eliza Orlins -- MB and muh honey know what two reasons I would root for her.
4. Scout Cloud Lee -- She is annoying me... I want her to lose.
5. Julie Berry -- She gets booted tomorrow... I hope... she is MB's player...

Top Five Hypocritical Things I Have Seen Recently
1. You know those religious fish symbols that people put on the back of cars? That should mean you are a good person. Well... the lady who flipped me the bird and cut me off because I was apparently going to slowly for her good wasn't THAT good.
2. I saw someone get called "devious" by another person for something stupid. It really offended this person... so this person had to get even... and this person lied to the first person making the first person look stupid. That was planned... I would call that devious.
3. Who am I kidding? I only have 2... but I didn't think they merited their own blogs....
4. See Number 3
5. See Number 3

Top Five Ways of Falling on Your Ass
5. Tripping over an inanimate object...skateboard...rake... shoe...
4. Slipping on some ice in the driveway... where you inevitably do the ballerina I don't wanna fall on my ass... let me stop myself with my left mittened hand... fall.
3. Misjudging a step or walking on it with socked feet. As you all know... I have done that one.
2. Tripping over my own feet....
1. My favorite ... tripping over... nothing... how the hell did I just fall when there was nothing but an open field for miles? I think this generally happens when I am tired... I am just not THAT into lifting both of my feet off the ground!

Tuesday, December 07, 2004

Muh House Has Angled Ceilings

For those of you that haven't seen the Smelmooo's house, let me tell you a little about it.

It is a Cape Cod that has had two additions -- one in the front and one in the back. The second story is essentially as high up as you can go; therefore the ceilings in the bedrooms are angled and you have to be careful when you walk close to the walls as they are sloped.

I forgot to be careful the other day.

I was excited by something that muh wife was telling me and I went running straight at her to give her a hug or something. Two seconds later, there was a loud thwack and I was lying flat on my back on the bedroom floor. I think I was far more startled than I was hurt but I was reminded that muh house has angled ceilings in the most violent way possible. I never got to hug muh honey, but I did get a bunch of sympathy even though I was a big stupid dope.

Let's just say that I don't think that the bald head look will be good for me as I now have a huge lump on my head that doesn't seem to be going away.

Good times...

Just as when I fell down the stairs in muh new house because I wasn't paying attention, I will now be forever aware of walking around in muh bedroom.

Muh head depends on it.

Monday, December 06, 2004

Holiday Specials on Television

Recently, muh honey and I sat down to watch the classic Christmas special -- Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.

While, I can see why it has been such a beloved Christmas special over the years, I cannot understand why it really seems to be THE Christmas special over time. We learn an important lesson and the Misfit Toys are great but really now... wasn't the special where Rudolph chases Baby New Year much better?

Here are my three suggestions for three Christmas specials that far exceed the Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer special... in reverse order.

3. A Charlie Brown Christmas -- I don't wanna say much about this special, but you all know this special and the image of Charlie Brown with the crappy Christmas tree still chokes me. Poor bastard.

2. Emmet Otter's Jug Band Christmas -- A Henson production is supposed to be top notch and entertain all the kiddies ... right? Well not with Emmet Otter's Jug Band Christmas. This little special wasn't seen by many but thankfully I have it on DVD so I can watch it whenever I want to. It involves Emmet who lives alone with his mother and they are a poor pair of otters. The meaning of true sacrifice and love is shown in this special as they each sell something very important to themselves in order to afford a gift for the other. The rub is that they are selling items that the other one is buying something else to enhance. It is so sweet and there are two reasons that make it totally worth it. FUZZY OTTERS!!!! and FUZZY OTTERS PLAYING THE JUG PIPE AND WASH BOARDS!!! AWWWWWWWW!!!!

1. The Year Without a Santa Claus -- The animated magic of Rankin and Bass that brought you Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer has also brought you The Year Without a Santa Claus. This is the story of the year that Santa decided that he wanted to take a year off. Long story short, the possibly drug induced fantasy episode takes us into the realms of the Heat Miser and the Snow Miser -- Mother Nature's sons. They MAKE this special. My absolute favorite parts of the special are when they are "introduced" to Rudolph and his two dopey elf travel companions. They sing a fun song that can be heard at The song is one thing, but they also have little mini-versions of them dancing next to them. This is a MUST watch. Look for it in your local listings... or come over to muh house and we will watch the DVD.

You got any better ideas?

December is...

... National Alzheimer’s Disease Awareness Month...

Let's quickly educate you on this.

In November 1983, President Ronald Reagan signed a proclamation designating National Alzheimer’s Disease Awareness Month. This historic event marked the beginning of a revolution for Alzheimer’s disease. Today, there is greater public awareness about the disease, new treatments, and we now know there are things we can do to help keep our brains healthy as we age.

This month, we take time to celebrate the changes set in motion by the proclamation, to remember and support the individuals and families touched by Alzheimer’s, and to recommit our resources to conquering the disease for generations to come.

Reagan signed it... hrmm....

Sunday, December 05, 2004

Time to Boycott Best Week Ever

They said that evil turd Julia Roberts is having the Best Week Ever...

Bring on Motormouth

Card Sharks -- NOT of Death!!!

I never said that the things I love are great.

I never said that the things I love are quality...

Yeah... I own Bloodhound Gang's One Fierce Beer Coaster and my favorite song on the CD is called "Your Friends are Make Believe."

But I am a sucker for a particular show on television and goes back decades...I love CARD SHARKS...

Card Sharks is a game show where contestants basically play High/Low for tons of money and fabulous prizes! As much as I get caught up in the yelling of HIGHER!!! or... LOWER!!!!, I love the questions that enable them to play the card game.

For example, questions featured an impromptu survey of 100 random people. The contestants then had to guess how many people met the requirement of the question... the other contestant then has to guess if the first answer is too high or too low. The answer is revealed and we have a winner!

The fun part about this is the stupid logic of the people. I just heard someone say that she thinks something was true because "that type of person smiles a lot" so it MUST be true. Somehow... she lost... go figure.

THen comes the card flipping. You have to guess whether the next card will be higher or lower...

God... that show was genius... until it added Bob Eubanks as a host... those shows make me cringe, but I still have to watch for some reason.

Jim Perry was the original and best host and he is my game show god.

Saturday, December 04, 2004

Puzzle Answers!

I think enough time has passed...

I am sure that some of you were looking for the answers to the puzzle from earlier this week.

Here they are.

26 = L of the A Letters of the Alphabet
7 = W of the A W Wonders of the Ancient World
1001 = A N Arabian Nights
12 = S of the Z Signs of the Zodiac
54 = C in a D Cards in a Deck
9 = P in the S S Planets in the Solar System
88 = P K Piano Keys
13 = S on the A F Stripes on the American Flag
32 = D at which W F Degrees at which Water Freezes
18 = H on a G C Holes on a Golf Course
90 = D in a R A Degrees in a Right Angle
200 = D for P G in M Dollars for Passing Go in Monopoly
8 = S on a S S Sides on a Stop Sign
3 = B M (S H T R) Blind Mice (See How They Run)
4 = Q in a G Quarts in a Gallon
24 = H in a D Hours in a Day
1 = W on a U Wheel on a Unicycle
5 = D in a Z C Digits in a Zip Code
57 = H V Heinz Varieties
11 = P on a F T People on a Football Team
1000 = W that a P is W Words that a Picture is Worth
29 = D in F in a L Y Days in February in a Leap Year
64 = S on a C B Squares on a Chess Board
40 = D and N of the G F Days and Nights of the Great Flood
13 = BD Baker’s Dozen
16 = W in a S Weeks in a Semester

have a great weekend...

Friday, December 03, 2004

I love NJ Politicians....

This guy is such a joke.

Death of a Beloved Appliance...

This week, I was sad.

I put my favorite former phone and alarm clock to bed...for good.

1. It will no longer stare at me as a reminder of the days when I used to hit the alarm and dread going to Calculus.

2. It will no longer be my reminder that I have to get up and go earn money for a living.

3. It will no longer be a reminder of the single most disgusting thing I have ever done to another human being. (For those of you that know what I did... there is absolutely NO need to rehash what I did .. especially in print.)

I have had that alarm clock since 1992 when I worked at G.H. Bass in the summer and our store reached a commendable sales total. It was our gift for doing a great job all summer. It was a dual alarm clock/radio/phone. I used it every single day I was home for over twelve years. That alarm clock followed me to five residences in New Brunswick, on in Washington, D.C., two in Hamilton, one in Somerset, one in North Brunswick and its final resting spot in Metuchen.

The "appliance" had grown so unsightly that even I realized that I needed to get a new alarm clock. The phone part had been out of commission for many years -- for good reason and I was only using it to wake me up each morning...

My new alarm clock speaks to me. It tells me the day and lets me know in a gentle and kind female voice that it is time to wake my a$$ up. It will... however... never replace my favorite piece of technology that I have ever had....NEVER.

Here is to you my former alarm clock!

May you live in peace and harmony forever -- never waking before it is time!!!

Survivor Show... of DEATH!!!!!

Wow... I am simply amazed at how they can make such a dramatic show when you have two things working against you.

1. It is obvious who is getting the boot.
2. There are absolutely no dynamic characters on the show as there have been in past seasons.

With that said, the producers used the tricks of editting and manipulation to pull another fast one over the viewers. We all knew that Ami was going but they gave her a nice swan song as she was being booted.

Bye bye Playboy Playmate Ami... Now... they won't be able to run front cover photos of you ... at the price you probably wanted....

Ami was my player so the *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* of his the Ashfault's life support system is still beating for another week. It looks however, that Julie is the next to go... Immunity idol or not... GO JULIE... I hope you lose.

CURRENT SCORE -- Pork Chop Express (4 Remaining) -- MB's team (1 Remaining) -- The number in parenthesis was the position that person was drafted.

Pork Chop Express (Smelmooo)
Chris Daugherty (10)
Eliza Orlins (14)
Dr. Scout Cloud Lee (15)
Twila Tanner (18)
James 'Chad' Crittenden (11) BOOTED, WEEK TEN
Lisa Keiffer (3) BOOTED. WEEK SIX!
John Palyok (6) BOOTED. WEEK THREE!

Ashhhfault (MB)
Julie Berry (5)
Lea 'Sarge' Masters (4) -- BOOTED!!! WEEK NINE!!!
Rory Freeman (9) -- BOOTED!!! WEEK EIGHT!!!
John Kenney (16) -- BOOTED!!! WEEK SEVEN!!!
Travis 'Bubba' Sampson (17) -- BOOTED!!! WEEK FIVE!!!
Brady Finta (1) -- BOOTED!!!! WEEK FOUR!!!!
Mia Galeotalanza (12) -- BOOTED!!!! WEEK THREE!!!!
Dolly Neely (13) --- BOOTED!!!! WEEK TWO!!!!!
Brook Geraghty (8) --- BOOTED! WEEK ONE!!!"

Thursday, December 02, 2004

You WILL experience the Ninja Burger difference!

This cracks me up.


I wonder how many of you read muh blogs and don't read the rest because you may think that the title is somewhat lame.... at least one of you... you know who you are... oh yes... you do...

I hope this title sucked him and the rest of you in as I recently decided to use our fireplace for the first time!

In our new home, we have a fireplace. The home is 70+ years old and so is the fireplace, so we were intimidated to use it... at least I was.

For weeks, I had been getting pointers from my father and people at work. They told me gems such as "Make sure you open the flew" and "If smoke comes back in, you probably have a problem." Everything I was told, I stored away in my little filing cabinet in muh brain. Until last night.

I opened up the fireplace and looked inside. Flew? Ummm... where the hell is this so called flew that people were talking about? I went and got a flashlight, pointed it up and I could see all the way to the top of the fireplace. I immediately called muh father who told me that all I had to do was push it back. Ummm... nope...

With a fireplace about 50 years older than his, I was stumped until I saw a metal chain that was pulled all the way down (I discovered this by pulling -- even though I had visions of a dead body falling on muh head, I pulled anyway.) I deduced that this must be the flew opener thingeramabob.

However, I had a new problem. Pulled down should mean that whatever it was pulling should be open right? Nope, and this was discovered after I lit a couple of pieces of newspaper on fire. The test proved that it was still closed as some smoke decided to visit my in the living room.

I released the cord, heard some wind on the windiest of nights, and lit the fire up confident that this was the "open flew" that I so needed. I got the fire burning and closed the front glass door to the fireplace and got paranoid that I was going to have a problem, so I decided to check to see if smoke was coming out of the chimney.

After putting on muh coat and heading outside, I looked up at the chimney to see if smoke was coming out. "Dufus!" went through muh mind as I realized, you can't see smoke at 6 o'clock at night in December! This would require me to go out on the roof of the front porch and take a peek.

On the roof, I steadied myself as there were strong winds and I looked up. That is the first and last time that I will ever be glad to see smoke coming out of muh house. I smiled and felt a huge sense of release. So much so that my entire body relaxed and forgot to prepare for strong winds.

That's when the huge gust of wind came and blew smack into muh chest. The wind carried me to the edge of the roof and then right off. Muh body fell the fifteen feet to the ground and I landed flat on muh back. I shook it off and walked inside as though nothing had happened.

Did any of you gasp or even feel a bit of relief that I might have gotten a bit more hurt? I wonder if you even read it this far. The entire story was true until the falling off the roof part. The wind did knock me over a bit and I was stupid to stop paying attention to that fact.

There are two morals to this story.


Have a nice day...

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

Thought of the Day... Me Likey.

Look Beyond -- If you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you have always gotten.

Cheese 'can be as addictive as morphine'



Click here...

Weekend of Movies...

The Thanksgiving weekend proved to be a successful and relaxing weekend in many regards. Muh honey and I did some essential Christmas shopping and even wrapped many of the gifts. We also watched an obscene amount of movies and DVD's. Let's review some of what we watched.

1. Night Shift -- I have heard for years how hilarious this movie is so I stumbled across it late one night on HBO Comedy. Henry WInkler and Michael Keaton are morgue employees who are paired up at night... Michael Keaton is an annoying and funny character while Henry Winkler is the calm stuffy guy. Good stuff results of course when they eventually become "love brokers." One of the funniest lines is when Michael Keaton is coming up with his "ideas" and says -- "Wait a minute! Why don't they just mix the mayonnaise with the tuna in the can... HOLD THE PHONE! Why don't they just FEED the tuna fish mayonnaise! " Very funny stuff... and Shelly Long is a prostitute... COMEDY!!!

2. South Park -- Season 4 -- That's right... we watched the entire 17 episode season and were reminded why these shows are so funny. The episode that featured "Flora" who couldn't make up her mind about who to vote for for Class President is another example of the wit and wisdom that comes out of those guys. That episode aired for the first time in the middle of November 2000 right after the Gore/Bush election. TImely and funny.

3. The Last Samurai -- I really enjoyed this film when I saw it in the movies and I really enjoyed it again on DVD. Tom Cruise really isn't that bad in most things that he does... often times... just "cruising" through his roles, but this movie would have been just your standard epic type film if it weren't for Ken Watanabe who plays the Japanese warrior Katsumoto. There is a reason he was nominated for an Academy Award. He is an understated and magnificent actor. The emotions he conveys when he doesn't speak are indescribable.

4. The Straight Story -- The only time that David Lynch decided to not be weird and confrontational resulted in this flick about an elderly gentleman who travels over the length of Iowa to see his brother in Wisconsin -- on his John Deere lawnmower. He has encounters along the way meeting another former war veteran and a young runaway. With each encounter we get to see deeper into his psyche and what is truly motivating him to make this 2 month trek. It is NOT an exciting movie and it moves along at the pace of the lead character but by the time you make it to the end... you should be changed.

5. Football -- I hate being in the New York market... I only get to watch the crappy Giants and the mediocre Jets. At least I got to watch the Raiders sneak out a win on the late night game this week. I just cringe however anytime they play in the snow. Stupid Pats/Raiders game a few years ago. Tuck this.