Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Top Five Tuesday....

Top Five People I Would Like To Beat With a Broken Broomstick -- Those People Annoying Me on Television
1. The E-Harmony.com creator... he grates on my nerves so very much....
2. Miss New York (Flavor of Love)
3. Those goofy "Sweeps" news reports....
4. The voice over guy on Skating with Celebrities...
5. Drew Lachey

Top Five Words I Have Heard SPorts Reporters Use to Describe What Kevin Garnett Did Two Nights Ago (A Ball left his hands by his power...)
1. Heaved
2. Tossed
3. Threw
4. Flicked
5. Cannoned

Top Five Reasons Why I Am Super Psyched DEAL OR NO DEAL is Back
1. Howie Mandel is a comic genius.
2. It manipulates my emotions.
3. The letter D.
4. It's not figure skating.
5. It bothers John.

Top Five Saddest Things From the Weekend
1. Don Knotts died... (although I DID have him on my dead pool list...)
2. Darren McGavin, the father from a Christmas Story died... I will leave a light on for him...
3. Dennis Weaver died...
4. The Olympics ended....with a crappy show...
5. We had to leave Tucker alone for 8 hours!

Top Five Ways to Make the Winter Olympics That Much More Exciting....
1. Duel Downhill Skiing -- how awesome would it be to watch Bode Miller knock his opponent out with his crack pipe?
2. Ice Dancing? -- Ice Break Dancing... I want to see a pair of skaters break dance on the ice with those sharp skates... ouch...
3. Alright...alright... put that guy who got shot by the Vice President up as a target for the biathalon...
4. Nude Luge...
5. Put the most awesome sport of them all on in prime time... CURLING...I love curling...

Monday, February 27, 2006

Survivor -- Sausage Party Island

Four episodes of Survivor complete and FOUR women have been voted off. This is not going to be called Survivor --Exile Island any longer if another woman gets the boot. It is going to be Survivor -- Sausage Party.

My two favorite conestants are still on the island (Terry and Cirie) and I am quickly following my normal pattern of hating yet wanting to see the crazy and loud players stay around... as they make the show that much more enjoyable to watch.

Since the last time I wrote, the game has been tied up with each of us losing 2 players each. Oh well...

Some impressions include:

1. Austin is either really endearing or he is one of those really annoying people that live to annoy you by being sweet as pie... either way... he should get hit by a falling zombie head.

2. Zombie Heads rule...and I love that one of the recent challenges reuired the transport of a GIANT zombie head... not just a regular one...but a GIANT one.

3. Muh wife asked me this and I agree... that immunity idol that Terry found is huge... how the heck is he going to hide that for the next 3 weeks.

3. Shane and Courtney are assholes... and self righteous pricks. They are awesome.

4. Remember the wrestling episode? That was soft corn porn at its best.

5. Cirie is funny as heck. I want her to go close to the end if she keeps this up. She is more real than anyone out there.

6. Until last night, I still hadn't figured out who the black guy was. He never spoke or anything. It took the following line for me to even care who he was... "I feel ten pounds lighter."

7. I wrote this last time... "There are so many new dynamics this season with the exile island and the immunity idol that I am not sure if I am going to be able to follow it all." I think it is more of a continuity problem. Each episode is its own show. There isn't an overriding element that is consistent from show to show... like Gary's secret identity or Rupert's dominance over the show or Romber's romance.

8. Ruth... I hardly knew ye...and I don't really care.

The score is 2-2.


(The number in parenthesis represents the position in the draft they were chosen.)


(2) -- TERRY
(3) -- DAN
(7) -- CIRIE
(10) -- ARAS
(11) -- COURTNEY
(14) -- MELINDA -- Booted Week 2
(15) -- TINA -- Booted Week 1

(1) -- BRUCE
(5) -- BOBBY
(9) -- SALLY
(12) -- NICK
(13) -- AUSTIN
(16) -- SHANE

Sunday, February 26, 2006





Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.

Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself?

Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?

Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor

Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?

Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM

Class 6
Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.

Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming, "Someone Stole The G__ D___: _________________" [Fill in the blank].

Open Forum .
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.

Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials.

Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?

Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.

Online Classes and role-playing .
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion

Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.

Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14
The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used.

Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses,
diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

Saturday, February 25, 2006



My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
"What the hell was I thinking?"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you .
I've changed my mind.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
We have been friends for a very long time ..
let's say we stop?
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay.

Friday, February 24, 2006

My First Time on Skates... Wasnt...

...toooo bad....

Muh wife told someone at work that I had never ice skated before. Her co-worker was somewhat shocked that I hadn't since I am pretty much a guy that will give anything a try. In fact, I have been thinking a lot the past couple of days about how much I would like to sky dive. I do not want to go through the whole learning process or buy my own equipment. I am more than fine with jumping with someone and letting that person do all the work. It is just something that is now on my radar.

So... after I had a belly full of Disco Fries, my wife and I headed over to the ice rink to slap some skates to my feet and watch me glide.

I was surprised at how inexpensive it was to do all of this. I was also surprised by something else that just seems so dopey. I thought the ice... yes... I know... ICE... was going to be squishier. When I stepped out onto the ice with my pair of rented skates, I wasn't prepared for just how hard it was.

I told muh wife who has skated before to go ahead without me and she did. She let me figure it out on my own. After the first 15 minutes, I had finally made it around the rink once. I primarilly used the walls but I made it...even with those show off 5 year olds who flew by me about 50 times.

After much perseverance and loss of breath, I finally would go for short sprints without touching the wall ensuring my time around the rink would only last 5 minutes each.

Then... I buckled down and decided... I really need to get rid of the crutch of the wall... and I made it a point to skate around the rink without touching the wall at all.

I did it! In fact... I kept going and made it around twice without ever touching the wall! I was so proud of myself and even though my wife had been periodically checking up on me and offering her support, she must have realized what I was doing and left me alone to finish!

These public free skates are tough to skate in for a couple of reasons.

1. The ice was "zamboni'ed" so there are still all the marks from the hockey team practice before us.
2. The free skate people aren't good either so they fall and get int he way of people like me.
3. It is just packed!

I am glad I tried it out and I actually do look forward to doing this again...


I should only do it with a belly full of Disco Fries.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Going to the Diner... High School Style

Eric and Jamie... you need to make sure that you read this!!!

This past weekend, muh wife and I set out to try something that I have never done before. Before we did that, we went to lunch at the Bridgewater Diner.

For years, muh wife and I have been driving by a diner on Route 22 in Bridgewater called the Felix #9 Diner. It sits in the middle of the road where business entertain customers traveling both north and south bound on Route 22. We have driven by the restaurant probably at least a 100 times in our relationship and I think every single time, I have made a reference as to how I used to go there all the time with my friends when I was in high school.

The diner represented happy memories in my life as I remember going there and ordering cheese fries with gravy…. But it had to mozzarella cheese and the gravy had to be on the side. The side gravy was the key. They could never short you on gravy if it was on the side.

I also remember Jamie taking the saltshaker and pretty much emptying the container into his side of gravy. We all knew he was going to do it and yet… we always cringed whenever we saw it. If I remember correctly, I was more concerned with his recent smoking habit than I was with his salt intake.

For the past few months, the Felix #9 had been going through some remodeling and it would drive me crazy every single time I would drive by it. I would say stupid shit like… “The Felix #9 is an institution! They better not be fucking it up!” It was stupid since it wasn’t an institution except to anyone in my mind.

It recently opened up and I was disappointed to see that it had a new name – the Bridgewater Diner. Muh wife and I walked in anyway…even though I knew I wasn’t going to be satisfied with whatever I ordered. I ordered the Cheese Fries with Gravy on the side (and the cheese was mozzarella of course!) but it wasn’t the same.

It wasn’t the same because they actually had this item listed on the menu and it was called – DISCO FRIES. I looked past the commercialization of my high school existence and ate them delicious concoction anyway. I am glad I did.

Now… I need everyone to please raise their glass as I say…. “Here’s to you Felix #9. I will always miss you and mourn your absence in my life. Thank you…Thank you very much!”

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Ms. Pac Man Triumphs

So... I was soooo thrilled for my wife recently.

She easily topped my one time play high score of 25,000 points.

She was good enough to score this total...

Then... out of nowhere... does she decide that her high score of almost 5000 more points than my score is enough?


She decides to score this!

Look what a Sailor Mouth can do!

YAY to muh honey!!!

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Top Five Tuesday

Top Five Tuesday

Top Five Reasons Why My Train Ride Down to Washington D.C. Stunk
1. I arrived just in time to catch the train comfortably – five minutes early. When I got there, they made the announcement that the train was 35 minutes late.
2. It was about 18 degrees with the wind chill factor thrown in there…and with the train running 35 minutes late – that means… 40 minutes in the wind.
3. It was an outdoor platform thus no protection from the wind.
4. I got my hopes up about the train being empty as it was a Sunday afternoon and my platform at Metropark was empty…but I had to wait until Trenton until I actually got a seat.
5. The couple in front of me on the train was watching a stand up comic on their PSP…SOOOO… they giggled loudly every 9 seconds or so. I wanted to stick the phone antenna in their ears.

Top Five Things That Annoyed Me This Weekend
1. Muh wife and I pulled up to a bank to cash a couple eBay checks when we had to listen to the woman in the lane next to us completely BELITTLE the teller. What a turd she was.
2. On Saturday night, we had the choice of staying home or trying out a Red Robin restaurant. I had heard a million good things about their “gourmet hamburgers” and wanted to try one out. (Thanks Minnams, muh wife and HB.) We pulled up to the parking lot where we have seen the sign for a Red Robin for the past two months. It isn’t even open yet. Blech… we went to Longhornz instead and I got a pretty darn good New York strip there… pleasant second place.
3. It was cold as hell this weekend. We didn’t even want to go outside. Tucker didn’t want to go out either. He would run out, take care of his business and then get the hell back inside.
4. Elizabethtown was a much better than expected movie… I wanted to hate it… I really did… but I ended up loving it. My favorite part involves Susan Sarandon – who is barely in the movie but gives one of the best speeches I have ever heard.
5. I didn’t get much time in D.C. to myself since my train was late….

Top Five Places I Would Rather Be
1. Spain
2. Portugal
3. St. … Whatever….
4. Torino, Italy
5. Greece

Top Five Olympic Moments/Events That I Have Enjoyed
1. Believe it or not, but muh wife and I watched an entire curling “game” and I was getting myself all worked up during it. It is a lot more entertaining now that I understand the rules and realize that they actually exert far more energy than any baseball player. They walk 15 miles a match and lug around tons of “stones.”
2. I get so worked up on the short track speed skating. When Apollo Ahno was racing in the finals of that one event… I was shaking…expecting to see someone crash…
3. The U.S. hockey team not beating “upstart” Latvia.
4. The ditsy dame American snowboarder who showed off when she should have showed off after she already won!
5. Yeup… two references to Curling… at one of the matches/games I watched, the audience was doing the wave. Frigging awesome… much like the really loud audiences during badminton matches during the Summer Olympics.

Top Five Ways To Kill Time On a Train
1. Minesweeper
2. Write a love letter to your wife…
3. Write speeches for work.
4. Sudoku
5. Read the new Stephen King book you keep forgetting up on your night stand…so.. it is essentially..out of sight…out of mind.

Monday, February 20, 2006

Cookie Monster Ice Cream Cup

I am on a trip to D.C. for work...

Gooooood tiiiimes...

But I wanted to share with you a tasty treat that I had this recently...

I can't imagine a more difficult thing to eat... and I am 32 years old.

It was sticky and got all over... yet..the ice cream..rocked.

These things are aimed at kids... no wonder they get this stuff all over themselves!

Sunday, February 19, 2006

The Rabbit

The Rabbit

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.

Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.

She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.

She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops anot her ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says...

It says, "Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave."

Saturday, February 18, 2006

This is really hard....

... good luck!


It took me a minute to figure out how to play... when you do solve a round... you will find that it immediately jumps to the next round... be ready... as quick movements will ruin all the work you have done!

I made it to round 5.

Turn up your volume... as you will find it a help in Round 4!

Friday, February 17, 2006

Random Thoughts...

1. Can someone please explain to me how I can possibly justify taping every single first run episode of Flavor of Love? I really do love this train wreck of a show. The women make this show.. they have no idea of how much I am laughing at them.

2. Open Letter to the Peeping Tom on Tuesday: yes... you caught me watching Gilmore Girls with my wife... you did... now... damn you...

3. I heard that the number one reason that a song becomes a hit is "peer pressure" eh... the number one reason is that the song pretty much sucks...and now one will say it but snobs like me.

4. This is a picture done by a professional of a family dog. I/We love our dog... but this is a bit on the nutsy side. Kicker is... there was a line to get it done!

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Because I have no class...

My friend emailed these to me. THey are pretty tasteless...

I have less class since I know this...and yet... I am putting them up for your review.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

3 Word Movie Reviews!!!

So... I am tired and I have been travelling all over the state... so here is some more 3 Word Movie Reviews to entertain your asses.

I know you guys can't contain yourselves... if you have seen these movies... give me some of your own!

Cinderella Man -- Gritty, Dark Gorgeous

Valiant -- Good Fun Flight


Silver Streak -- Funny, Smart, Classic

The Man -- Dumb as Shit

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Top Five Tuesday

Top Five Snow Pet Peeves
1. My next door neighbor who is TRYING to be a help and snow plow the street's sidewalks but ends up stomping down and dragging more snow into where I have already shoveled.
2. The business across the street that plows all the snow out of the lot and into a mound on MY side of the street and technically on my property.
3. People who leave their cars in the street so a plow skips that whole section of the street.
4. People who don't clear their cars.
5. People who need to buy the rest of the milk and bread.

Top Five Places I Don't Wanna Be
1. On a huntng trip with Dick Cheney.
2. At Bode Miller's cabin after his ski-changing performance.
3. An Alabama Baptist Church
4. A Pakistan rally about that cartoon.
5. Saddam's Trial

Top Five People Who I Have Decided Are a Waste and Should Be Banished To Wash Dishes At My House But Will Live in the Attic and Brought Out Only When I Want HARD or Menial Labor Performed
1. Dr. Phil
2. Starr Jones
3. Paris Hilton
4. George W. Bush
5. Sam Champion...I know what you are all thinking... but he predicted 6 inches and we got 21!!.

Top Five Things We Watched This Weekend
1. Cinderella Man
2. My Name is Earl & The Office power hour... these shows never get old...
3. Yeah...yeah...yeah... make fun of me... but Dancing With the Stars... Tom Bergeron rocks...
4. Believe it or not... but ER was really good for the second week in a row!
5. The Soup...that will just remain on the list indefinitely...

My "List"
1. Rachel McAdams
2. Jamie Pressley
3. Maura Tierney...just something about her.
4. Stacy Kiebler
5. Salma Hayek

Monday, February 13, 2006

Book 9 of 26 -- A New Jerseyan's Latest Effort by Stephen Frey

Last night, I was hanging around the house as I had washed every possible item of clothing and dried them. I had shoveled and snow blowed all possible snow from the 20+ inches we had. I also sat and listened to my wife drop more curse words while playing Ms. Pac Man. I don't think she was really frustrated with the game as much as she was pissed that she just couln't top my high score which I established the first time I played.

Book 9 -- The Protege was a book by one of my favorite New Jersey native sons - Stephen Frey. He isn't a top named author and you won't find his books on the New York Times bestseller lists anymore. In fact, he doesn't even have a website so I am not sure how you find out he has new books coming out in this new digital world. I had to hear about it from a freind this time around.

His books ALWAYS follow a similar plotline yet I am intrigued each time I read one. It goes as follows:

1. Find a sap that is a super smart and great fella and put him in the race or threat of his life.

2. Have this poor sap do this as the major equity traders in the world try to bring him or her down.

3. Have the sap fight fight fight and bring the big super mean men down.

4. End of story... everyone is happy a doodle.

The Protege is no different except that the protagonist is the head of one of these firms and another "firm" is trying to bring him down.

He fights fights fights and brings the man(men) down. Everyone is almost happy a doodle. Good enough fluff and insight into the financial world, but not enough to suggest reading this book as your first Stephen Frey book.

Next up... Stephen King's -- The Cell

Sunday, February 12, 2006

It's Snowing...

.... anyone else see that?

It is so deep right now...we actually had to dig a hole for TUcker.

It is STILL coming down hard.

I am putting this picture up at 10 am.

The hole we dug for him was at 7 am.

The snow is above his head... I guess we will have to wait until 1 or so when the snow stops to see how high it will really get.

Saturday, February 11, 2006

Fun Web Site

I know these quizes are pretty stupid but I really liked this one.

I offers a lot of insight into the human psyche.

Click here.

Friday, February 10, 2006

Random Thoughts on a...Friday?... I Think It's Friday

Random Thoughts on a...Friday...

1. I won an auction on eBay. The seller was from England... He doesn't have paypal and we both didn't feel like waiting a long time at a bank for an exchange rate to be done and charged for it. He asked for and I agreed to pay him in candy. What? I am sending him an equivalent amount of candy for his two kids...who have never had any American cnady before. I sent Nerd, Swedish fish and some other stuff.

2. I am not a "dreader." I don't like knowing that all I want is for the "weekend to get here." It doesn't make me happy to think that way... but oh well. I really can't wait for the weekend to get here as I am exhausted and can't wait to be home and watching stupid television.

3. I love Tom Bergeron... he is so much funnier now than he ever was on Hollywood Squares 2.

4. Some three word movie reviews:
Capote -- Tough but Captivating
Good Night, And Good Luck -- Magnificently Good Stuff
Aristocrats -- F*ck, D*mn, Funny
Lord of War -- Promising Start, Blech

5. Thank you Shari...

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Mick Foley -- Scooter -- Book 8 of 26

Mick Foley is a former WWE professional writer. When he was finishing up his career, Foley got the writing bug when he wrote the first of his two autobiographies. He refused to use a ghost writer or publish an "As told to..." type book. He wanted the writing to be his own and take the lumps or credit from the general public.

His first book Have a Nice Day was well received by almost everyone who read it. It inspired him to write another autobiography (Foley is Good) with more stories about his colorful past and wrestling experiences.

When that book was also well received, he branched out to a book of fiction entitled Tietam Brown. That was very well received as it was gritty and reminded many of Catcher in the Rye. You might want to laugh... but it's true. His writing received accolades across the board.

He then published Scooter in the summer of 2005. The quick and easy plot description is as follows, Scooter is a young man in 1960s and 70s Bronx. He experiences a lot of really traumatic stuff and all of it is centered around baseball. It is one of the most difficult books to read in that nothing goes right for this poor kid and yet... he still finds the courage and strength to persevere and succeed in his ultimate goal.

The writing is rough and I am not sure if that is because of his lack of experience in writing or if it is done on purpose as the narrator (the book is in first person) is not the most educated character in literary history. He is raw and rough around the edges. You may ask who I mean by "he" and I don't have that answer for you.

For those of you that want another updated and extremely RAW coming of age story then I recommend this book. If you are looking for something to pass the time and be fluff and light hearted... run like hell.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Oh Come ON!!!!

So here I am.. in a hotel room...

I have been up since 5:45 this morning where I decided to rush pack and get ready for a meeting I had to be at in Philly.

I have to be there tomorrow as well.

I was at the meeting from 8 am until 4:00... and then I had to be at another thing from 5:30 until 8:45.

So I get to the hotel room...exhausted since most of my day has been behind the wheel of my car (Thank you to Ricky Gervais for having some extremely funny podcasts....) and standing on my feet.

I just wanted to get back to the Philly area and fall asleep and rest. Stupid hotel gave me a room key that didn't work... 20 minutes later... after some patient complaints then a rather loud third complaint...I finally got a suite...

Oy vey... why can't it just be easy?

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Top Five Tuesday

Top Five Super Bowl Commercials
1. Sierra Mist commercial that featured Kathy Griffin doing a security check.
2. Bud Commercial -- Magic fridge.
3. Bud Commercial -- Cleaning the gutters.
4. Sprint phone commercial with "Crime Deterrent"
5. MacGyver Mastercard commercial

Top Five Super Bowl Moments
1. Sean Alexander being shut down in the first half.
2. Hearing that Michael Irvin didn't make the Hall of Fame -- Crack addict.
3. Seattle interception at the in the third quarter that actually brought the game back to exciting.
4. Hearing the stat that Pittsburgh was winning at the half even though it took them 19 plays to get their first first down.
5. Randel El TD throwing a touchdown pass.

Top Five Reasons Why Heather Locklear and Richie Sambora's Divorce is a Good Thing
1. I have a chance.... she is single... yay!
2. Richie was a jerk... (I do not know this for a fact... but it will be something I say... when.. I get my chance...)
3. Richie's hair was stupid (See Number 2)
4. Richie's couldn't sing (See Number 2)
5. Richie plays with mice in the buff (See Number 2)

Top Five Ideas for the New Hooters Casino in Las Vegas
1. Free Giveaways... Ugly orange pants for all.
2. A Wheel of spicy goodness...
3. I want to see dealers with big hooters with only playing cards on their hooters.
4. A Texas "Hold Em" booth.
5. Who needs ideas when you have skany women dressed nowhere nearly as hot as the chicks in the calendars they sell...

Top Five Valentine's Day Ideas for A Terrible Day

1. Give her the gift that keeps on giving... used lingerie...
2. Ensure her that she will hate the holiday forever... get caught cheating on her..on that day!
3. Two Words -- Fart Burgers!
4. Turn off the alarm... pull the sheets over your heads... pin them down... fart... don't let her out... enjoy the swollen balls.
5. For my poker buddies... Upper Decker.

Top Five Reasons Your Favorite Television Show Is Stupid
1. Swimming With the Sharks With The Stars... ummm... I hate Fox...
2. The cast of Survivor: Egyptian Ferry hasn't been heard from yet.
3. Law & Order: Hamburglar Police... just didn't catch a viewership...
4. It starred Heather Graham...
5. The words Lucky and Knives should never be used together in a show title.

Monday, February 06, 2006

First Episode of Survivor -- In the Bank

The first episode of Survivor is over... and I am pleased at the clan of freaks they have assembled. They will make for some interesting television viewing.

My choice of Misty getting booted was incorrect... but I was pleased to see Tina get booted. I have the feeling that I would have wanted to murder her with her own chainsaws if I saw too much of her. I was stuck with her on my team as she was one of the last two left so I don't mind losing her as much.

Some of my other impressions include:

1. Dan and Terry have already created an alliance. How am I ever going to enjoy watching these two?

2. Danielle is a young, athletic, strong willed, medical sales representative.. hrm... sounds a lot like Uber Survivor Stephanie LaGrossa.

3. Shane is going through tobacco detox... he ain't making it the whole way.

4. Even muh wife said it last night... what was up with all that cleavage?

5. Has anyone ever seen a "missile engineer" that was that hot before?

6. Cirie is grating...yet... I find her incredibly endearing at the same time.

7. The young guys seem pretty dopey and I would love to see how they made out in the first night of rain in that crappy shelter... the young girls too.

8. The four tribes means that we don't really get a chance to meet any of these players... I wish CBS and Mark Brunett would stop insulting the audience and bring back the HUGE first episode complete with 90 minutes.

9. There are so many new dynamics this season with the exile island and the immunity idol that I am not sure if I am going to be able to follow it all.


(The number in parenthesis represents the position in the draft they were chosen.)


(2) -- TERRY
(3) -- DAN
(7) -- CIRIE
(10) -- ARAS
(11) -- COURTNEY
(14) -- MELINDA
(15) -- TINA -- Booted Week 1

(1) -- BRUCE
(4) -- MISTY
(5) -- BOBBY
(9) -- SALLY
(12) -- NICK
(13) -- AUSTIN
(16) -- SHANE

Sunday, February 05, 2006

My Private Part Died Today ...

My Private Part Died Today ...

An old man, Mr. Brown, was living the last of his life in a nursing home.

One day, he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.

"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said the old man, "My private part died today, and I am very sad."

Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Brown, please accept my condolences."

The following day, Mr. B. was walking down the hall, with his private part hanging out of his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.

Mr. Brown," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your private part back inside your pajamas."

But, Nurse Tracy," he replied, "I told you yesterday that my private part died."

"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?" asked the nurse.

"Well," he replied, "today's the viewing."

Saturday, February 04, 2006


Dear Jamie... I got the following in an email from a friend... be aware...

The latest scam in the Phoenix area which is happening at the Paradise Valley Mall.

Two good looking 18 year old women come to your car as you are parking your car; One starts wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, the other comes to your window saying 'hi' while bending over with her breasts almost coming out of her blouse, impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say no and beg you for a ride to the Arizona Mills Mall. You agree and tell them to sit in the back. On the way they start having sex in the back seat. Then one of them performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet. I was assaulted last Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, but I couldn't find them Saturday or Sunday.

Be careful.

Friday, February 03, 2006

Three Word Movie Reviews

I have been attempting to become more succint when I review movies. I often get into long winded diatribes about how I feel about movies that leave a person exhausted when I am finished. They all get the same glazed over look.

I see it... I know what it is ... and... I just feel stupid at that point... SO... I keep babbling trying to make up for it.

Jackass... So... I have decided that I might try a new column-ish to be periodically pulled out when I get to see enough movies (thank god for DVR and DVDs from blockbuster.com). I am only going to use three words to describe movies. It should be a fun exercise.

I encourage you all to send me IMs, emails, or comments with the names of movies that you want me to review.

Here are some reviews of movies that I have seen over the past two weeks...

Dear Frankie -- Sweet Yet Preposterous

Dog Day Afternoon -- Dog Gone Awesome

Havoc -- Dumb and Disturbing

Flightplan -- Flight from Reality

Mr. & Mrs. Smith -- Not Too Horrible

Man of the House -- Unbearably Stupid Sh*t

Brokeback Mountain -- Beautiful Slow Challenging

Cursed -- Good Times Had

I repeat... I want your help... give me movies that you want reviewed... I want the challenge... I want the fun...

Do it now!

Thursday, February 02, 2006

Survivor Prediction

Misty gets the boot tonight.

She is too pretty for this competition.


Survivor TWELVE begins tonight. I am pretty excited by this as our traditional PIZZA THURSDAY returns. This was implemented a few years ago when muh wife would get home late from work and neither of us would want to cook dinner. We would simply order pizza and sit on the couch and yell at the screen when anyone did anything stupid on Survivor.... much like Steakbellie and his reading of gossip magazines in bed with his wife...just without pizza...

The "twist" this year is two-fold. First, the tribes start off as FOUR tribes -- 4 older guys, 4 younger guys, 4 older women, and 4 younger woman. It is my understanding that they merge into two tribes relatively soon in a school yard game of pick em. The other twist is that a person is "exiled" to a remote island every episode where there is no shelter and they have to fend for themselves for a night. The other key from what I gather is that there is an immunity idol on the exile island for them to find. So it isn't a total wash to be separated from the group and isolated to a far away place.

As most of you know, my buddy MB and I pick "tribes" before we have ever seen the show to make watching the show even more fun. Below this blog is the current score over the past 11 years. I was extremely scientific with my choices this time around. I put all the names into a hat and pulled them out. It is such a crap shoot...I decided to stop thinking about it and make it a real crap shoot. I used to research each of the players and think about who I thought would be strong adn weak and stupid and funny. Essentially, I would use stereotypes to pick. Here are the picks... so wish me luck!


(The number in parenthesis represents the position in the draft they were chosen.)

(2) -- TERRY
(3) -- DAN
(7) -- CIRIE
(10) -- ARAS
(11) -- COURTNEY
(14) -- MELINDA
(15) -- TINA

(1) -- BRUCE
(4) -- MISTY
(5) -- BOBBY
(9) -- SALLY
(12) -- NICK
(13) -- AUSTIN
(16) -- SHANE

So... before the show even airs... let me say... GO TERRY!!!

Happy Birthday Smelmooo's Brother

The Smelmooo has a brother.

He is 30 today.

The Smelmooo, Tangent Woman, and Tucker wish him the best 30th birthday....EVER...

Minnams Birfday

Happy birfday to Minnams ... although... it is also muh brothers...

heh heh

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Book 7 of 26 -- My Last Steve Martini Book for A Few

In Undue Influence, Steve Martini has brought back a character (Paul Madriani) that I have begun to really appreciate. of the 7 books of Martini that I have yet to read, he is the primary character in 5 of them and I look forward to reading each of them.

What I like most about the charater is that he is intelligent and keeps the reader a part of his life. He adds humor and doesn't treat the reader as though he is an idiot.

I predicted the killer in the first 15% of the book. With about 20 pages left to go out of 457 total pages, I was disappointed as I thought I predicted the murderer incorrectly. Then... Martini switched it around on me and I was shocked to learn that I was correct.

What Martini has kept from me in this writing is the meaning of the title... it made no sense to me whatsoever.

Of the Madriani books, this is my favorite one so far.

Next up... I decided to read a book that wasn't on any of the lists I have provided so far... Scooter by Mick Foley.