Thursday, August 31, 2006

Why My Vacation Sucked, BY Smelmooo

Muh wife and I had a really nice 4 day jaunt to the beach. It was great and we couldn’t have asked for nicer weather and conditions as it never got over 82 degrees or rained.

However, there were a few things that just plain sucked.

1. Every year, we pretty much go to the exact same place to eat the first night. It’s a ½ mile from the house and is out of the way from the rest of the town and restaurants that we also frequent. We headed out to the restaurant pretty much after throwing our suitcases into the bedroom. When we walked up to the front door 20 minutes later, we were sad to see that the restaurant was closed…That meant, we had another 30 minutes to walk until the next closest restaurant. Not horrible, but it still sucked.

2. We make a trip to this seafood place that we really, really, like in Point Pleasant. I get the same dish every year because it is a sampler platter and has a variety of yummy seafood. The difference with this place compared to others is that they have a Cajun sauce that they apply to the fish. Muh wife knows how much I like the sauce and kept reminding me all day about how yummy dinner was going to be because I was going to get one of my favorite dishes. We got there, I ordered, and I was very excited. About 5 minutes later, the waitress came over to tell me that there was No More Cajun Sauce…crap. Not horrible... but it just sucked.

3. Muh wife got burned again. She always gets burned. It is pretty much inevitable with her very pale skin. What makes it sad is that she puts on so much sun screen that you have to wonder how it is possible that her pores can breathe let alone sun hitting her skin. But… it seems that muh wife forgot how to use sun screen this year…. She claims it’s the “new fangled misting” sunscreen, but I think she just doesn’t understand 6-8 inches away. Not horrible... but it just sucked.

On the flip side, I am really glad that we both got a Hole in One in our game of miniature golf, ate a super meal at every restaurant, and finished off a tremendous bottle of wine.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Hypothetical Question of the Day

Who do you think would win in a battle to the death?

A Polar Bear


A Saber Tooth Tiger?

Book 40 of 26 – Total Control by David Baldacci

Fresh on the heels of reading the debut novel of David Baldacci (Absolute Power), I picked up the paperback copy of Total Control, his second book chronologically. It was a mere 700 pages long and I ripped through it pretty quickly… as I was at the beach with muh beautiful wife and honey.

Total Control revolved around the story of a young woman who is a top lawyer at a major firm in the Washington D.C./Virginia area. Her husband works for a major technology company and they get caught up in international espionage that involves death, plane crashes, blackmail, and espionage.

Total Control was a total thrill ride from beginning to end and in terms of finding a good summer read, this book completely fits the bill.

It is a self contained book, as the characters are not in any other book.

Baldacci meticulously carries the reader through all the processes needed to understand all the details (That might actually be the only complaint about the book is that he is rather detail oriented.)

The characters are redeeming and you actually feel for them when they go through the emotions of discovering the death of those that they love.

Total Control was a pleasant surprise and a thoughtful read.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Book 39 of 26 – Absolute Power by David Baldacci

As many of you know, but I repeat muhself anyway, I like to discover a new author and read all of his or her books in chronological order.

I finished reading Steakbellie’s favorite author – Steve Martini – and I had to find a new author. I searched high and low and arbitrarily chose David Baldacci. You may ask what went through my mind when I chose him.. and I can honestly say that I have absolutely no clue. It must have been out on a display or something.

I started with his debut novel – Absolute Power. I started reading the book about a thief who witnesses the President of the United States contribute to the murder of his lover (I didn’t ruin anything since it happens in the first 50 pages) and I soon realized that I had seen this story before...

I racked my brain and the internet to discover that I had... it was turned into a Clint Eastwood movie almost a decade ago.

Smelmooo = smart

I wasn’t sure how I was going to feel about a book in which you know who did it for the majority of the book. I ended up liking it more than I thought. Baldacci is really exceptional at pacing and keeping the reader interested even though... as I said... the reader knows whodunit in the first few pages.

John Mark Karr -- What Would You Do?

So... I heard this somewhere and I don't remember who said it... but after hearing yesterday's news that they are dropping the charges against John Mark Karr, it makes me wonder what exactly else he would say to get free air fare.

Monday, August 28, 2006

Emmy Awards Watching Comments

For the Red Carpet viewing, I had to choose with muh wife about which jackass to watch. Billy Bush or Ryan Seacrest. I put in my vote much like most of the American electorate votes – who do I hate more…. Billy Bush.. by far… He is the biggest tool to ever walk the earth… ever.

Juliana DePandi used to be annoying to me, but I was listening to the Radio Chick the other day and there was a really funny lady on the show. I didn’t know who it was as I entered in the middle of the conversation. I was really enjoying her and I thought she was funny…. And then… they told me that it was Juliana DePandi… dangit… now I have to like her.. but I am still not going to watch her show…

Jeremy Piven is cool, but what the heck was that look that he was doing? His redeeming quality was that he was with his momma…

I watch Rescue Me and after watching Denis Leary with his wife… I now understand why Denis writes all those scripts where he gets to bang those really hot chicks… if you don’t understand that line… too bad… it’s your own damn fault for being so darn na├»ve.

The opening montage with Conan, Keifer, Laurie, Carrell, and the “I won’t come out of the closet” Tom Cruise was absolutely hilarious… how do I know? I laughed out loud about 10 tens.

Jamie Pressley and/or Elizabeth Perkins were frigging robbed. Will and Grace is no longer on the air and it was good for one year and bad for seven… eat poo Megan… eat poo… or should I say… eat poo Emmy votes… eat poo.

To just annoy muh wife… but I REALLY mean it… Jennifer Love Hewitt looked incredible…

To be fair.. every time that muh wife and I would get annoyed at someone winning…I would have to remember that we were rooting for specific people because that show is the only show we watch....

I am not sure if Simon Cowell can read. Seriously…

YYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY A real comedy won the best Comedy show... not that stupid Desparate Housewives show...

Sunday, August 27, 2006

Watching the Red Carpet...

... is far more fun when you get your wife "drunk" or "buzzed".

Don't let semantics fool you...

Purina Dog Chow Diet -- A Wal-Mart Tale (or Tail)

Purina Dog Chow Diet -- A Wal-Mart Tale (or Tail)

I was buying a large bag of Purina Dog Chow at Wal-Mart the other day and was in line to check out. Seeing the bag of food, a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time I did it. But I said I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is you load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry, and the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital because I'd been poisoned. I told her no, that I'd just been lying in the street licking my b*lls and a car hit me.

Saturday, August 26, 2006

Ok Go -- The Treadmill Video

Ok.. it's famous now... but this really is some super duper innovative choreography.

I like the song too...

Friday, August 25, 2006

Tucker Wishes You All Well

Tucker wanted me to tell you all...

Have a nice weekend!

May your weekend be this much fun!

Things That Drive Me Really Really Crazy

I decided to make a list of a few things that drive me absolutely crazy… for no reason except that I can be an anal S.O.B. sometimes.

I really hate going to the bathroom at restaurants and finding that they are one of those crazy businesses that use "air" hand dryers. These things do not work and we have all been brainwashed into thinking that they do something to save something in the environment. Poo. The air dryers just mean that I am going to wipe my hands on my ass and that will contribute to me needing to wash my clothes more often.

To expand on that a bit further, there is nothing more insulting than the frigging Greenie businesses that use air hand dryers AND also use single ply toilet paper... These places are run by bastards…You know the air dryers don’t work, so I am probably going to try and use the toilet paper to dry my hands and single ply sucks… just plain sucks for that.

Muh wife and I are really anti those people who walk through a parking lot on an angle. We have seen a tremendous increase of these people recently. You know the people I am talking about. They are generally walking at a snail’s pace or talking on a cell phone on the longest possible path in front of you as you are trying to navigate the parking lot. These people almost always do this with a shopping cart on the way out and with a cell phone on the way in. WALK IN A STRAIGHT LINE PEOPLE. It’s considerate of others and puts you out of harm’s way in a quicker fashion.

I can appreciate trash removal companies and their employees’ desire to work in the most favorable conditions possible, but why does it always seem that I live on the route where they start. I know it's coming and I dread it when I am awakened to the truck coming barreling down the road at 6 a.m.

But I digress…

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Hypothetical Question of the Day

Who would you rather eat dinner alone for 2 hours in a white padded room with?

Rosie O'Donnell


Starr Jones


Tom Cruise

Annual Saratoga Trip Review-ish (PABST REFERENCE!)

Our annual trip to Saratoga has come and gone and there were some highlights and low points, but we really enjoyed ourselves again this year -- so much so that we really want/need to recruit new people next year since we have so much fun.

1. This year marked the first year that one of the core three people that have been going was unable to go. It was for an excellent reason as his wife is more than 8 months preggers, but we still missed him and his wife greatly. The positive of this is that next year, we will be introducing their kid to gambling and Pabst Blue Ribbon -- the champagne of champions.

2. One of the reasons we originally began this trip some 7 or so years ago was that one of our friends grew up in the area so we would at some point always end up at his old house and visit his family. This year, we adjusted our plans and didn't spend a lot of time with his family. That made me somewhat bummed since I like his folks a bunch.

3. Meeting the new girlfriend -- It is always interesting to meet the new love of a friend. This weekend, we were introduced to teh new girlfriend of one of the somewhat regular people who go each year. She was young and brought a new life to the conversations and interactions. I always enjoy this... because it is someone new for me to pick on.

4. Each year, we try to stay in a relatively inexpensive place as our weekend is essentially a weekend of activities and very little time is spent in the hotels, but at the track and eating out. This year, we tried out a Days Inn, and I gotta admit, it was a great place...and you got what you paid for...including a pool and free wireless internet.

5. We love this trip every year and we can't wait to do it again next year...but we missed our little fuzz butt Tucker.

6. This bee sat on my foot for a long time.... WAAAYYY TOOO LONG....

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Hypothetical Question of the Day

Would you rather work on a hot roof in 100 degree weather all week long or eat a puppy?

Book 38 of 26 -- Stephen Frey's The Power Broker

On our recent trip to Saratoga, I would have some significant periods of down time before bed time and waiting an hour or so before leaving so I finished off a book pretty darn quickly.

The Power Broker was a book by one of my favorite New Jersey native sons - Stephen Frey. He isn't a top named author and you won't find his books on the New York Times bestseller lists anymore. In fact, he doesn't even have a website so I am not sure how you find out he has new books coming out in this new digital world. I had to hear about it from a freind this time around.

His books ALWAYS follow a similar plotline yet I am intrigued each time I read one. It goes as follows:

1. Find a sap that is a super smart and great fella and put him in the race or threat of his life.

2. Have this poor sap do this as the major equity traders in the world try to bring him or her down.

3. Have the sap fight fight fight and bring the big super mean men down.

4. End of story... everyone is happy a doodle.

The Power Broker is no different except that the protagonist is the head of one of these firms and "the Order" is trying to bring him down.

He fights fights fights and brings the man(men) down. Everyone is almost happy a doodle. Good enough fluff and insight into the financial world, but not enough to suggest reading this book as your first Stephen Frey book.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Hypothetical Question of the Day

Would you rather be physically well but mentally retarded OR mentally brillant but a quadriplegic?

Mystic Seaport...

Mystic Seaport is a gorgeous little town in Connecticut and muh wife and I were lucky enough to walk around it and enjoy a romantic and fun evening.

We saw the famous and sort of dopey Mystic Pizza from a far...

We bought homemade ice cream after waiting in line for 30 minutes...

We walked along the water and made fun of each other in a cute way....

We looked at the boats and thought secret thoughts about how much we wanted our own...

We watched the draw bridge go up and down effectivly crippling the town's traffic....

We got extremely lucky and found on street parking almost immediately....

We wanted to buy a bag of "Seagull Poop" to see what was in it....

We took tons and tons and tons of useless pictures that we will remember for a very long time...

We drank some "Mystic Seaport" beer... that was made exclusively from Mystic Seaport materials and for Mystic Seaport... but was made in Portland, Maine. F-ers...

We had a fantastic bed in the Hilton that I could jump and flip on... FUN!

I am now encouraging muh wife to add some more happy thoughts....

Monday, August 21, 2006

FREE Football Pick Em League & Survivor Football League

I have set up my normal Football leagues. They are free. Here is how you can sign up if you haven't yet.

PICK EM LEAGUE (Basic rules this year are... straight pick em without odds and your worst week is removed, including a ZERO if you forget a week.)

1. Go to
2. Login or create a profile
3. Click on the "Pro Football Pick Em"
4. Enter the league information:

League ID#: 8289
Password is cheese.

Feel free to invite anyone.

SURVIVOR FOOTBALL (Basic rules this year are... You pick one team per week to win. If they lose, you get kicked out. Last one to survive wins.)

1. Go to
2. Login or create a profile
3. Click on the "Survival Football" link
4. Enter the league information:

League ID#: 156
Password is: cheese

Feel free to invite anyone.

Good luck everyone...

Flavor of Love-isms

Ok... I may be the only 30 something old fella who was super psyched about Flavor of Love returning. No ... really. So three episodes are in the bank... and I wrote down a lot of the Flavorisms cracked me up.

Mind you... there were not all said by Flavor Flav... He is the classy on the show... most of these were said by the extremely classy ladies vying for his smooches and love. These ladies are to be hereby referred to as chicks as I don't think many of them merit the description of woman or lady or human.

* "I exude Buckwildedness..." said by a chick named Buckwild. Pictured below is Buckwild.

* "Please don't interrupt my prayers... or God will direct me to kick your ass. " said by a chick who was in trouble for getting in a fight with another chick.

* "I tried to be friendly with her... I offered her lip chap. " said by same woman above.

* "I had to mix myself up into the mixer. " I forget who said this, but it was so absurd.

* "I like Latino women... my last three kids were from a beautiful latino woman. " Flavor Flav... oh dear...

* "You cooler than a polar bear's toenails, dog. " One of the chick's description of Flavor Flav's Flavorfulness....

* "Flav-lation. " wow....

* "I did say something consisting of lesbianism... " One of the chicks trying to explain that kissing a woman doesn't constitute lesbianism...

* "I don't remember... I was too distracted... but i do know one thing... SHE DID HER JOB WELL... " Flavor was descripbing his spy's description... he completely glazed over all the descriptions....

* "What is that F-ed up smell in my crib? " Someone pooped on his floor and this was his reaction. Below is a picture of the pooper.

* "There's a wild gorilla loose in that bathroom. "Flav discovered who pooped on his floor and used this clever description as a method of 'teasing' the guilty pooping woman.

* "If I shit in someone's house, I leave. (That's brave.)" One chick's 'props' to another chick staying in the house after accidentally pooping in the house.

* "Flavor wrote me this Flavorgram because he knows I am the most intelligent and I can read it." One chick bragging about her 'intelligence.'

* "Beef tips.... "(Points at breasts) "cous cous..." (Points at ass....) Do I need to say more?

* There was a stripper pole on the bus.... no quotes... just jaw droppoing reactions to how these fine chicks have to react to the pole...

* "Every time he sees me, I am going to be the girl who did the poop thing." The response of the poop girl when she foudn out she was going to get osme alone time with her.

* "Tell me what woman can come into his house... go poo... AND STAY..." That chick is focussed... huh?

* "I'm only doing this Flav!!!" A chick yells as she guts a dead chicken... in a Soul Food restaurant kitchen. The next image was of a heart landing on a plate.

* "Flavor Flav!!" yelled by the chicks with Flav's response being "Baby Babes!!!"

* "Would you ever smooch him?" Smelmoo asked Tangent Woman after witnessing one chick smooch Flav. She squinted and freaked out with... "Nooo... I was just thinking about how gross he was." Heh heh...

* "The most worst, most nasty house I have ever been in." A chick reported when she witnessed a house they were tasked with cleaning for Flavor's love/respeck.

* "I happy I did because now I stand out." The pooping chick proudly exclaimed STILL in Episode three about her pooping on the floor.

* Not a quote... but there was a young chick whose shirt showed some pronounced nipples. The network covered them with little Flavor Flav heads. Awesome....

* "I am super duper excited to have some private time with Flav." The funny part was the emphasis on the words super duper.

Sunday, August 20, 2006

39 Runs in 2 Days

The Yanks scored 39 runs in 2 days against the slap happy Red Sox.

I should go away more often.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Long Weekend Away

Since I got screwed earlier in the year on my week long vacation, muh wife and I decided to take a long weekend.

We will return in a few days!

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

One Year Anniversary-ish -- The Birth of "Tucker's Nuts"

Below... I have reprinted how I felt almost one year ago today... the day that Tucker lost his balls...his manhood... his NUTS.

In response to that, I began to name most of my fantasy teams -- Tucker's Nuts. It disturbs many of my competitors or just makes them not care about anything I write or do.

One of the only interesting things I can write about this during the last year is when I registered Tucker for some program, they didn't want to list him as a male...but rather... neutered. He is still a fella...balls or not!

I am sorry my little guy... and I offer this weird and odd tribute and memoir... to your nuts.


R.I.P. - Tucker's Manhood

Look at him... you know what he is thinking... "PLEASE DADDY!!! DON'T SNIP MUH NUTS!!!!!"

For all of my male readers out there, I implore you to read this announcement.

This morning was a tough drive as today, marks the day muh (our) sweet, dear little puppy has his nuts removed.

I wonder what is going on right now.

Are they still in?

Are they out?

Is it wrong that I wanted to ask them to put it into a jar?

Just curious.

Seriously though... I am surprised by the people that have asked me if I took "before" pictures...and those that suggested it. No one has thought it was weird if I did.

What do you think?


TUCKER IS FINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just got word from the veterinarian that Tucker did very well during his surgery.

This picture is of him on his way to the vet this morning.

He apparently is groggy and was good enough not to bite anyone's arm off.

Good Tucker.

Monday, August 14, 2006

A Trip to The Van Buren House -- With Mildly Retarded People

On a recent trip for work, muh wife and I were on our way to beautiful Mystic, Connecticut after a 2.5 day detour in the Saratoga, New York area.

We were a few hours early and were actively looking for ways to help pass the time when we hit the Mass Pike/Route 90.

A few miles into the trip, I saw one of those National Park Service brown signs identifying key historical land marks that are available for visiting...identifying The Martin Van Buren Historical site.

For those of you that don't know... MVB was the 8th President of the United States.

I know a piece of trivia about Martin Van Buren that I love to share whenever I can so I did with muh wife in an effort to convince her that a forgotten president could/might be fun? I really wanted to go so that I could verify the statement.

I whipped the wheel to the right and the car was then pointed in the direction of the site...without a complaint from muh wife...making me even happier.

12 miles and a stop to ask for clarification of the site later, we walked into the Visitor's Center of the site. There were three park rangers in the Center and the two of us. Ten minutes later, muh wife and I were the only two participants in a tour of the Martin Van Buren house and farmstead.

The ranger went through her schpiel and we learned a lot about plumbing in the day and saw a lot of the house the way it was when MVB was President and then afterwards. It was a pretty standard tour, and I was interested in all the history. There were two main rules on the tour -- no flash photography and don't touch anything.

Then...the tour took an unexpected turn. About 1/2 way through the tour, we had three other people join us. They seemed like nice enough people -- a mom, dad, and a kid that looked to be about 16 or 17.

It took us about three minutes to realize that the kid was either autistic or mildly retarded. He asked questions about pots next to beds and if they were used "one way or two way" and touched everything he could...and tried to take pictures of everything with his flash photography. The parents didn't help out at all and the tour guide was run ragged trying to stop him.

It wasn't comical, but it was quite a dynamic to witness...and made the Martin Van Buren house visit that much more memorable.

P.S. The really fun fact about MVB is that he was the first president to be born in the United States. All presidents before him were born in the colonies.

Sunday, August 13, 2006

Things to Ponder

Things to Ponder:

1) Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
2) Why does someone believe you when you say there are 4 billion stars, but check when you say wet paint?
3) Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
4) Why do we press harder on the remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
5) Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down to pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
6) Why do they sterilize needles for death by lethal injection?
7) Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

Saturday, August 12, 2006



Man who run in front of car get tired.


Man who run behind car get exhausted.


Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.


Man with one chopstick go hungry.


Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.


Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.


Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.


Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.


War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.


Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.


Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.


It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.


Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.


Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.


Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.


Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.


Man who fart in church sit in own pew.


Crowded elevator smell different to midget.


Friday, August 11, 2006

Have a Good Weekend

Tucker says....


Book 37 of 26 -- 1776 by David McCullough

So there I was.... trying to figure out what book to read next when I said... oh ... what the heck. I graduated college with honors and with a Phi Beta Kappa award with a degree in History. I should like 1776 by David McCullough... shouldn't I?

I really should start getting back into things that had to do with my m ajor. I should read more historical stuff... Heck.. I read THE HISTORIAN and it was fantastically historically based. So... I picked up some real history and not just some pseudo-history about Dracula and the history of his myth.

1776 is actually a lot easier read than I ever expected and so much that I looked at the last few pages to see how long the book was -- 400 pages. SOOOOO... imagine my surprise when I reached page 300 and it was over. That's it... the end... 300 pages of text and photos and 100 pages of footnotes and bibliography.

There is a reason why it was a Pulitzer Prize winning book. It was great. It was easy to read and created a simplistic enough narrative about the year of 1776 and how the war of Revolution changed the landscape of America.

Here's what I really liked about it. Many history books and texts have been written from a one sided perspective. McCullough reviewed and went through the Brit's papers to provide a pretty even sided version of the story from both perspectives.

It was also pretty interesting to me as a good deal of the stories took place in New Jersey... with old and current names. If you didn't know the historical figure's name, you might recognize the fact that they had a town or famous landmark named after them... such as Cadawalder Park in Trenton.

I rambled a lot while writing this... a whole friggin' bunch.

I liked it and if you have any inkling of interest in the book but have been delaying picking it up......... I totally recommend reading it.

Do it... NOW.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

G.L.O.W. Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling DVD

Thanks to Bowman for pointing out that the greatest wrestling series of all time.. G.L.O.W. (Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling) is out on DVD!!!

Click here.

Bask in the warmth of GLOW nostalgia -- that's short for Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling -- with this campy compilation of the classic 1980s television show's best moments. Matchups include Babe "the Farmer's Daughter" vs. Melody Trouble Vixen (or MTV); Hollywood vs. Roxy Astor; a tag-team fight pitting Liberty and Justice against Daisy and Dementia; and an unprecedented 21-girl battle royale.

Hot Air Balloons and Me

When I was a kid, hot air balloons used to land in our neighbor's yard all the time. Our house was partially in the woods and those across the street had wide open fields behind their houses.

It was an ideal location for hot air balloons to land since it was in the very gorgeous and beautiful countryside of Hunterdon County.

Their backyards were ideal for launching balloons as well and many people would. We would try to go over there as kids to watch them launch.

One time, I even got into the basket and went up in a tethered balloon. That was cool... so every time that I see a hot air balloon, I have good warm feelings.

Muh wife and I recently went to a Balloon Fest party at a relative's house and the cul de sac where they live was lucky enough to have the Forbes Magazine Hot Air Balloon team launch their balloon from the driveway.

As they unpacked and filled the balloon full of air, the kids and adults alike touched the side of the balloon and got excited by this new experience. It was fun to watch and I liked the memories that it brought back.

There was even a moment where they let us walk into the partially inflated balloon -- an experience that the kids thoroughly..... and completely enjoyed...

It's time to think about my own balloon ride. I wonder if muh wife would want to go....

Anyway... here's some pictures of the event. I left out most pictures of people that matter...but enjoy some of these... I think a few of them are pretty good.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Book 36 of 26 -- The Historian by Elizabeth Kostova

This is going to be one of the hardest book comments I have ever written.

I just finished THE HISTORIAN by first time novelist Elizabeth Kostova -- a popular book that received a monumental push because of the historical fiction craze hitting America about a year ago.

I thoroughly enjoyed this book, but I don't think it's a book for everyone. In fact, I probably would have not thought that it was really a book for me until I got into it.

The book is 650 pages long and has very little conversation, which can make any book longer. It is almost all "long winded" letters and the retelling of stories found in books or from the past.

Ends of chapters often end in a climax of "Let's get to the library!" so that the lead characters can read the latest history they found to further their efforts.

Their efforts? Find out of Dracula is ... in fact... real.

I am not going to tell you what the final conclusion is, but the book does a masterful, if not too masterful, job of describing exotic locations and buildings... all in the name of advancing the latest historical discoveries.

The plot is so simple that it makes you wonder how you can get 650 pages out of it.

In the 20's, 50's, and 70's, the story follows the stories of three sets/generations of historians that build upon the discoveries of their counterparts to determine the existence of Dracula. There is love and fascinating characters and someone even gets bitten.

It's really pretty good...I swear it is... I just can't really explain just how good.

Monday, August 07, 2006

Work Trip

I am going to be on one until Wednesday...

Leave me alone.


I will return then.

But... until then.

Welcome back Steakbellie.

Sunday, August 06, 2006

That's Punny!!! Part II

Thanks John.

1.. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, "It's Not Unusual.""

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly,
"I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11 . I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12 . A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied,"I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

Saturday, August 05, 2006

Happy Birfday Jenni

She will forever remain our sparkles on the bathroom floor girl.

That's Punny Part I

Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron," The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?
His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced
an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ...(Oh, man, this is so bad, it'sgood).....A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did!

Friday, August 04, 2006

Random Thoughts On About Nothing In Particular Without ANY Editting Of ANY Kind

So muh wife watches a lot of Felicity on the WE Network. The WE Network is famous for BRIDEZILLAS. I saw a commercial for it the other day and it announced that it was coming back for another season. Does anyone watch this show? Even when I was getting married and marriage shows/books/ideas were more prevalent, I never watched it completely. How is this show still on?

There is a show on FUSE TV called Dance Off Pants Off. Basically, people voluntarily go on the show and strip dance while a music video plays in the back. The premise... yah... it's stupid.. but it is actually done pretty tongue in cheek and the best part of the show are the completely WHACKED dancers. They are insane. Here's the thing though... the show is better really late at night... and with some sort of alcohol assistance... Try it out.. but expect it to be tough to watch.. yet absurdly good.

I get a bit freaked out when I walk into men's rooms and a guy is peeing at the urinal and he is leaning into the urinal and has one hand and arm completely outstretched on the wall. That seems a bit TOO relaxed for a public restroom.

I made about 2.3 million dollars on Party Poker in the span of a couple of days. I couldn't miss... I just couldn't miss. Oh wait... it's all fake anyway...

Thursday, August 03, 2006

Three Word Movie Reviews

Basic Instinct 2 -- Pretty dumb..... NUDITY!!!!!!!

Cache -- What the F*ck?

Call Girl Wives -- I didn't finish..................................

Clerks II -- Pillow Pantsy Good

Codebreakers -- Not Entirely Terrible

Dave Chappelle's Block Party -- I'm white....... what?

Eight Below -- Dogs rule.... Good.

Failure to Launch -- Successful at Sucking

The Hills Have Eyes -- Completely FUCKED Up

The Job (Complete Series) -- Totally Cool Funness

The Libertine -- Nudity... at least!

The Matador -- Really Quirky.... Fun

Mindhunters -- Mindless Horror Movie

The New World -- Gorgeous but slllloooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwww...........

Nip/Tuck Season 2 -- Disturbing... Yet Entertaining

Oz (Season 1) -- Gritty, Dark... Intense

Oz (Season 2) -- This Stuff's GOOOOOOOD

The Pink Panther (2006) -- Not optimal.... cute

Pirates of the Carribbean: Dead Man's Chest -- Swashbuckling Good Time

Playmakers (Entire Series) -- Gritty. Dark. Intense.

Predator -- Awesome as Ever...

Rebound -- Martin Lawrence Vehicle

Road House -- Mulleticiously Good Fun

Road House 2 -- I HATE BOWMAN

The Shaggy Dog (2006) -- Bad Movie... (Swat...)

Steve Martini's The Judge -- Another Good Adaptation

Steve Martini's Undue Influence -- Really Good Adaptation

Survivor -- Pearl Islands (Season 7) -- Rupert annoyed me...

Survivor -- All Stars (Season 8) -- Most Emotional One

Tristram Shandy: A Cock and Bull Story -- Odd. Different. Decent.

Ultraviolet -- My Life Wasted

Weeds (Season One) -- Smoking Good Time

Why We Fight -- Must See Film

World's Fastest Indian -- Anthony Hopkins... Briliant

Wicker Park -- Thanks Eric... Stupid....

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Book 35 of 26 -- This Book Will Save Your Life by A.M. Homes

The title of the book is "This Book Will Save Your Life" and it was written by A.M. Homes.

It was a good enough book for awhile...and then... I just don't know.

Really... I wish I had a lot more to say about this book. It was good enough to entertain me and I am not entirely sure why.

The plot of the book is simple. There is a middle aged man who seems to not know what is going on it and then a bunch of crazy shit happens to him and he reconnects with his stupid family and meets lots of famous peope and then somehow connects them all so that everyone lives happily ever after.

The problem though is that A.M. Homes wrote. I really like her book entitled "Jack" because it was different and insightful.

The books after that have been decent enough but are often hard to read.

This one went along the same path... in that it was a good book that just went to poo poo.

I wouldn't really recommend this book to anyone who doesn't like her. I would steer very clear of it.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006


"Hot Enough For You?"


11 times so far...not one of them... joking.

(I miss the Steakbellie.)

The List...

So... one of the fun ideas that came out of Friends was the idea of a "List." The List enabled you to put together a list of five people that you are allowed to cheat on your spouse/girl or boyfriend with. It was a fun idea because the list is supposed to be a group of people that you will never meet.

I have a friend who had a husband who worked with a lot of famous people so when she made a list, it was different because she knew half of them.

It seemed wrong to me to put Vince Vaughn on her list when he went to her wedding... but I digress...

My list has gone through a variety of incarnations, but I think it's important to share my list with you folks right now. Just so you know... these are NOT in the order of preference.... The list can't possibly be measured...

And without further ado....

1. Jenna Fischer -- I only know Jenna from one role -- Pam Beesley on the American version of The Office. She seems to be so sweet on the show and I was concerned that she might be in real life. I have a similar reaction to her as I did with Maura Tierney on Newsradio. That smart and sassy yet sweet fun woman. I really really wanted her to be the same way in real life. You can imagine my surprise that when I saw her on Ellen, she was!

2. Kate Beckinsale -- Is there anyone in movies who is as gorgeous as Kate Beckinsale? I recently saw her on the Tonight Show and she was cute and witty and endearing. She was also pretty... which is pretty cool in the long run. My brother in law and I seem to both have the same affinity for her... Based on one word... Underworld.

3. Maura Tierney -- I don't think that my wife has ever understood this one. For a better understanding of this one, please refer back to the Jenna Fischer article... It stems all the way back to Newsradio.

4. Jamie Pressly -- Yes... she plays totally white trash chickies and she sounds like she lives in a tralier park, but I totally love My Name is Earl for Ethan Suplee (Randy) and for Jamie Pressly. She is one of the reasons that show is funny and we get a better insight into how funny a hot chick can be. Here's a little know fact... she was in Poison Ivy: The New Seduction... and actual second sequel to the Drew Barrymore/Alyssa Milano flick.

5. Alyssa Milano -- I am not going to explain this one. She will probably be on the list forever... or until a freak lawnmower accident removes her face.