Thursday, June 30, 2005

It's Official...

Jennifer Garner is a whore.

Click here.

Random Musings on a ... THursday ... already?

1. Tom Cruise -- For a fella who doesn't want to get absorbed into the world of this celebrity hack, I think about him an awful lot. He is a whack job and coming very close to being as absolutely insane as Michael Jackson. His recent comments and argument with Matt Lauer have me walking aroudn with a horrible taste in my mouth. How does the public let him get away with it? I blame it all on People magazine. I do so because this is the magazine that Tangent Woman receives weekly. The article last week was a story about how he proposed. I don't want to take the Lord's name in vain... but JESUS!!! We need to stop buying these magazines. They only encourage publicists to keep these shamble relationships up.

2. I had a boss once that wanted to do a press hit on an issue that I knew would generate absolutely NO INTEREST. I told him politely that it wouldn't. I say I did it politely because I tend to tell people how I really fell. He insisted and I did the due diligence and put out the "approved" media information and was not surprised when it turned up NOWHERE. When asked why it didn't get into any of the papers, I responded quickly with... "Because it was dumb." I never heard him complain about my advice again.

3. Six Feet Under -- I really think this is/was the best show that HBO had to offer -- even better than the Sopranos (Seasons 2-5). This season is frustrating me. Four seasons of watching self destructive people was tough enough but this year... they are so insane! It is a weird state of affairs when Brenda is the most sane person on the show. I will keep watching it as it is an exceptionally well made show. I still like it... but every once in awhile I want to give each of them a cupcake and a hug.

4. Entourage -- This is another funny show that not many people watch. In case you are a fan, then you will appreciate this HBO sponsored site --

5. Spaghetti Westerns -- For someone who has seen a ton of movies, I had no idea what a spaghetti western was and I encourage you all to discover what they were. Kudos to Dave -- Minnams' husband for letting me borrow the three classic ones directed by legendary Sergio Leone (Fistful of Dollars, For a Few Dollars More and The Good, The Bad and the Ugly.) I had a great time and they rock.

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Peeping Tom Pulled From Outhouse Tank - Yahoo! News

Pulled directly from an IM from DB.

Click Here First

"The question is, how long was he down there?!? ewwww

and the question is, when she saw him underneath, did it make her poop more? i.e. was she scared shitless?"

Guest Blog -- A Day At Home


I need to flop frequently as it means I will sleep better on whatever I land on.


I can't believe that I am actually still lying in my crate at 6:20 in the morning. Muh mom usually wakes up to that really loud and annoying alarm at 6:00 am and we sneak out of the bedroom and go downstairs for my morning pee and breakfast.

She didn't come home last night and I stared at the front door all night wondering when she was going to come home. At least I was able to sleep in the cool air conditioned room of muh parents. I do every night but muh dad ensures that the room is nice and cool for him and me.


His alarm clock says 6:23 am and I have to sit up since I can't really take it any longer. Maybe if I jingle my collar and make the tags make a lot of noise, muh dad will wake up and take me out. THAT DID IT!!! He flipped the covers off and ambled over. I am so glad to see him as I have to pee more than anything.

Hey wait!... Come back into the bedrooma nd open the crate... lucky dad... he gets to pee first.

I eventually made it outside for muh monster pee and we went for a walk around..sniffing and smelling anything that lied on the ground. Everything smells so good and yummy that I want to put it all in muh mouth. My dad is a bit more lenient than my mom but he still sticks his fingers in there when I get my little mouth around some bark or mulch. I guess in the long run...they are looking after me... but still.

Dad takes me back inside and showers and gets ready for work. This is a very important part of the day for me even when mom is home too. It is my job as the puppy of the house to whine and cry because I have just remembered their pattern of showering and leaving me alone for the day until lunch time.

*Whine* 20 minutes later, dad comes downstairs and I hop around and get all excited since he is really the most handsome person in the world. Mom is cute... but dad is the draw in this pair since he plays rough with me and makes sure that I am a tough dog. Mom is the one that feeds me and takes me out in the morning... oh heck. They are both great!

Dad and I play with the really cool squeaky football that he makes squeak while it is in my mouth. I love the sound of that muffled squeak.

Now... here is the second most important thing I have to do as the puppy of the house. Dad leaves me and I give him these really huge puppy dog eyes and whine the softest little whimper I can. This makes him feel more guilty than anyone I know. Sucker.

For the next few hours, I sleep. I sleep soundly until I hear Dad walk in ...

"HELLLOOOO TUCKKER!" he yells. "Wanna go for a walk?" Of course all I do is hop up and down and accept his invitation to run around the yard and lie on my back and let him pet muh belly and lie around with him as he eats lunch and reads or plays with me. It is always up to me and my attitude. Today... I think is a pet muh belly as much as possible day. I love that.

Dad eventually gets up and goes back to work for the rest of the day. He tells me that he will be home in a couple of hours, but I really have no idea what he means by that.

He comes home in a few minutes... or hours or days... I don't know since I got another great nap in. I am really good at that.

This time I am so excited to see him that I sort of pee a bit and dad is forced to wipe it up with a paper towel. Sorry dad... but I love seeing you.

We keep playing and eating and playing and sleeping and playing and cursing out the Yankees for the rest of the night. Dad tells me that mom isn't comng home again tonight but she will be home tomorrow. That makes me sad and happy but I still... just a puppy... so I throw in a little of my puppy dog eyes and lie on my side as though all the energy of the world has been sucked out of my body.

After one final pee and romp around in the dark, it is time for us to go to bed. It is cool in the room again and I know dad loves me because I always have this fur coat on and he makes it nice and cool.

It must be late... I am pawing in run on sentences now... I leave you all now and I hope you enjoyed muh day of funness.

Until next time... I leave you with this joke.

Did you hear about the three legged dog that walked into the saloon and said... "I am looking for the man that shot muh paw."


Cold Stone Creamery - FREE TASTING!!!

If anyone else loves CSC as much as I do... email me or leave me a comment and I will email you a copy of a form that tells you when they are having a free tasting.

It is early... but worth it.

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Top Five Tuesday -- All Amish Edition -- Take it Slow and watch muh Buggy

Top Five Funniest Sounding Town Names Seen On Our Trip This Past Weekend (Sometimes.. I am Seven Years Old)
1. Intercourse
2. Blue Ball
3. Bird In Hand
4. Cox's Corner
5. Imlaystown

Top Five Words From Lancaster that I Think Could Be Used More Frequently
1. Smorgasbord (Buffet)
2. Shoo Fly Pie
3. Suana (Yeup... it was spelled wrong on the big professionally made sign.)
4. Iced Rings (Donuts)
5. Georgeous (Gorgeous... but pronounced with that extra E and by a young lady... funny)

Top Five Methods of Making Your Nieces and Nephews Like You
1. Growl at them like a dinosaur
2. Tickle them until they literally pee themselves .. umm... ewww...
3. Bribe them with video games.
4. Sneak them soda even though they are only supposed to have it on "special occassions"
5. Teach them how to do things that their mommies and daddies do not want them to do.

Top Five Foods on the Family Restaurant SMORGASBORD!
1. Macaroni and Cheese Bites
2. Miniature Corn Dogs
3. Made to order Strip Steaks
4. Made to order bacon and American cheese with extra cheese omellets.
5. Turkey Hill Ice Cream for every dessert

Top Five Things Muh Wife and I Did Together
1. Nothing
2. Sat by the pool
3. Ate
4. Read
5. Walked

Top Five Reasons To Come Home
1. Tucker
2. It was hot as nuts.
3. No screaming kids at home.
4. Tucker
5. Our bed is far more comfortable.

Monday, June 27, 2005

Gettin' Some Furniture Deliveredl -- A True Funny Story about Technology and Its New Role in Our Lives

Muh wife and I went to the mall and other stores to look for some patio furniture for our back yard a little while back. We found a great set at Sears as they were having an incredible sale.

However... even though its name may imply enough room, the Big Blue Buick is a bit too small to fit all the parts of the set into it -- especially the table top itself.

In response we decided to pay the extra few dollars to have the sucker shipped to us. We also worked out what day would be best for us and the Sears associate agreed that the system would allow us to change the date and time if necessary. We would find out the exact delivery time after 6:00 p.m. the evening before delivery.

Muh wife and I have had one other set of furniture delivered to us and it wasn't a good experience. Let's just say that it required a follow up delivery with the correct pieces and UNDAMAGED pieces. We were a little hesitant to do the delivery thing... but we chose this past Wednesday and I gave Sears my cell phone number as the contact number.

Monday rolled around and muh cell phone rang. I answered it even with the strange number on the ID panel. An automated person came on and reminded me that I had a delivery coming on Wednesday and that a time would be determined Tuesday afternoon.

Tuesday morning arrived 24 hours later and I received the same automated message with the change reminding me to call after 6:00 p.m. to find out the delivery window.

Tuesday at 6:05 p.m. pulled up to the curb in front of muh house at the same time I did and I answered with..."Hello"

"Good evening. This is an automated message from Sears' Delivery Service. Please press one if there will be a responsible adult at your delivery location between 2:45 pm and 4:15 pm."

I pressed one and they hung up.

Wow... not what I was expecting...

I was equally surprised the next day when I received a phone call at 11:30 am telling me that the company was running 30 minutes LATE!!!!

What is going on with the world?!?!@?!@? Wha? Sears is being good?

Whatever... I got home at 3:15 and they showed up at 4:55 pm. Not too bad and I will give them the benefit of the doubt considering there was a torrential downpour with lightning for aobut 30 minutes at 4:00 pm. not bad at all.

Overall... a good experience...

Thank you Sears.

Sunday, June 26, 2005

Welcome Back

We made it home safely.

There were some wicked ass Amish people out there.

Wicked ass.

Saturday, June 25, 2005


... 6 more months until CHRISTMAS!!!

Friday, June 24, 2005

Taking a Break...

Tangent WOman and muhself are taking a much needed three days off to go wander the landscapes of a neighboring state.

I'll give you a hint.

Anyone for some Shoo Fly Pie?

Thursday, June 23, 2005

Random Musings... On a...Thursday...

1. I was at my favorite neighborhood convenience store where I stop in at least once a day and sometimes twice a day. I am guessing that a married couple runs the joint while her mother is the cook. I could be wrong. The mother could run the place. The married couple is the front "man" by taking orders and ringing up purchases. Everyone in the store is a little rough around the edges yet I feel pretty comfortable in there even with my shirt and tie. They are always picking on each other and today I heard the best line yet. It was said so dryly that it could have sucked up all the water out of the Atlantic Ocean. (Phone rings) "Hey mom! that's the phone. Pick it up and it stops ringing." Mom gave her the finger. It was very funny.

2. I just found out that Saddam Hussein loves Doritoes. I never thought that muh wife and Saddam would have something in common! Go Saddam... Go Saddam... Go Saddam... I dare you to steal muh wife away.

3. I am a basketball purist and I love to watch a good no-show off game any chance I get. It is for this reason that I do not even think of turning the NBA on. The NBA is a waste of time and not even remotely close to real basketball. It is also this reason that I love to watch College Basketball. Those are people that love to play the game. I really appreciate that and their commitment.

4. Seriously... I know this person who just had a baby with someone that I abhor. And... wouldn't you know it... the baby looks EXACTLY LIKE THE GUY I DON'T LIKE. I want to tell her that the baby is cute... but his father is a monster... and the baby looks like a monster. ARGH.

5. Netflix now has a "Previously Viewed" section where you can buy some of their extra copies. That is cool.

6. I have to admit that I too... like muh wife... almost never care about brand loyalty. I don't care if it is generic or whatever's on sale. This does NOT apply however to ONE thing. Hellman's mayo...and dammit... it better not be fat free. Blech. That reminds me... I have to buy that.

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Movie Lines TOP 100 List

I like the idea of a top 100 lines from movies list and I am glad that the AFI did it... bit I have an issue with the fact that like 5 of them are Casablanca. Put in a Casablanca montage and let other movies get some credit for having some kick ass lines.

You know... like....

May I borrow your towel? My car just hit a water buffalo -- Fletch.
I got slimed -- Ghostbusters
I know you are but what am I? -- Pee Wee's Big Adventure


Musings From Our Weekend Miniature Golfing Jaunt - WIth some Surprise CLICKS!!!

Muh wife and I set out in the Big Blue Buick this past Friday for one of our "dates." Last week was pretty scarce in terms of "quality time" spent together as I had three night "events" and she had one.

We planned a night of goofy fun; and we had it. We started out by going to Pizzeria Uno in South Plainfield. We both had a hankering for crappy chain related food and we got it in spades at this restaurant. We also were treated to a cute waitress (I am not talking about Jessica Simpson in her new Dukes of Hazzard related music video cute but rather "a younger sister" cute.) writing her name in three or four colors on a cocktail napkin for us to read. It read "Shannon" and had swirls and pretty stars. I mused that she probably once worked at Macaroni Grill.

After stuffed from dinner, we headed over to play some miniature golf. It was an absolutely gorgeous night on Friday and playing miniature golf was an exceptional idea inspired by muh wife. At the golf course, I couldn't help but notice people and here are some of my observations.

1. Surprise Underpants -- There was a goofy foursome of young people two groups in front of us. The course had bottlenecks so we were exposed to them for about 1/2 of the holes. I would have to estimate that the people in the foursome were between 16 and 19 years old and they were obviously on a double date. One of the girls suffered from Pearitis.

Pearitis is where you have a woman that is shaped like a pair. Her bottom half is significantly out of portion with the top half of her body. Generally, women who suffer from this condition often wear tight jeans and resemble Grimace from McDonalds.

The girl wore her pre-requisite tight jeans and had to keep bending over to pick up her ball. As we were behind them I was exposed to something horrific each time. She was wearing a G-String. I have no problem with underpants being seen when people wear jeans and bend over. Pants can't always cover everything all the time. Things happen. However, when this girl bent over, her body moved and the jeans stayed putting exposing quite a bit of her G-String. The Grimace body suffering from Pearitis should not be wearing a G-String.

How are these comfortable and isn't she too young to be wearing that?

2. Nerdy Kid -- In front of the annoying foursome on a double date, there was a very young boy about 6 or 7 playing miniature golf with his Dad. Dad didn't have a wedding ring so the obvious guess is that this is the result of a divorce and little "Billy" is out on a play date with his father.

What got to me was that he was a cute "bespectacled" skinny kid who got excited about every ball he hit and ran to pick up his ball and help his dad by getting his. He was a nice kid who shared lots of facts with his dad and they genuinely seemed to be a nice pair. I heard the couple in front of us tease the kid by saying something close to "He is so nerdy. I bet he gets beat up a lot at school." This saddened me because I had just finished thinking that I was probably just like him as a kid... A kid with glasses and full of knowledge and wanting to share it with others. I never got beaten up though.

3. Final Results -- I kicked muh wife's ass.

The evening eventually ended and we went home... we ate ice cream and decided to watch Fargo when we got home. Tucker was also there. :)

Thanks to all the people that made the night a success.

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

MLB Baseball GameCenter: Game Stats - CBS


I was watching the Yankees ... everything but the 5th and 6th innings.

That was frigging insane.

Alright... I Admit it...

I put Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous on our Netflix queue...

Right where it belongs...

I can't wait to see it.

Jessica and Her Daisy Dukes

One of the greatest music videos ever made... is the new Jessica Simpson one..

OH MY FREAKING LORD... I need to get muh car washed.

Top Five Tuesday

Top Five Reactions to this Headlines on "CIA chief has 'excellent idea' where bin Laden is"
1. Catch Him Jackass
2. I find it interesting that this comes out less than a week after Bush reaches an all-time low in approval ratings.
3. *Head Shake* Keep fighting that war on terrorism... letting them that we know where he is... blah blah blah.
4. Who said that Porter Gass was allowed to speak out loud? Don't cabinet members get fired for doing that? i.e. Christie Todd Whitman
5. For the love of God... spend every dime you can to catch him.

Top Five Reasons Why I Skipped To My Lou My Darling
1. I can.
2. It was pretty outside.
3. Muh wife asked me to.
4. The dog looked cute.
5. I was hungry.

Top Five Ways to Identify A Momma's Boy or Sensitive New Age Guy
1. He still owns a James Taylor concert poster.
2. He is STILL watching Queer Eye for the Straight Guy even though they have been lame for over a year now.
3. His iPod is pink. (no really... it's his wife's/girlfriends or ... it's all they had... mmm hmmm...)
4. You are driving through upstate New York and he goes... "Boy... it sure is pretty up here."
5. He has a Candace Bushnell book on his nightstand or by the potty.

Top Five Possible Star Wars Related Porn Movie Titles
1. Rear Endor
2. Chew Back Ya
3. Luke Piestalker
4. Hand Solo and Her Five Sisters
5. Princess Lay Ya

Top Five Things I Ate This Weekend
1. Grilled Chicken Stuffed with Mozzarella and Basil with a garlic butter sauce
2. Entemann's coffee cheese cake
3. Omellet made by Tucker for Father's Day (with help from muh wife since his paws are too big)
4. A personal deep dish four cheese pizza with mozzarella.
5. A Nestle Toll House Cookie Ice cream sandwich.

Top Five Five Signs It Will Be a Bad Year at the Movies
1. Pauly Shore has a job.
2. Matt Le Blanc gives up on Joey to try a version of Romeo and Juliet
3. Kevin Costner pitches a sequel to Dances with Wolves -- Runs with Scissors
4. Siskel returns and gives The Longest Yard remake a Thumbs Up.
5. Hillary Duff is in... ANYTHING.

Monday, June 20, 2005

Junk Mail Subject Titles

Here is a fun experiment... I have a hotmail account so I get an obscene amount of junk mail.

The headers always seem to amaze me. At least the Junk Mail filters are getting better at figuring these out.

Here are a few samples and comments.

1. Квартиры в элитном доме на юго-западе Москвы -- For some reason, I get a LOT of these emails that seem to be written in some sort of Greek or Turkish or something. I do not know how I got on such a list nor do I care... but I wouln't mind if they stopped.

2. FW:RE:PE:RM:ANEN:TGR:OW:TH_Kent -- You will note what they are trying to do with this one. I am sure that most filters immediately remove emails that have the words permanent growth or penis so they have cleverly hidden the actual words by separating letters with the colons. Clever ... but they still end up in the bulk mail folder!

3. FW:RE:VI:AG:RAOF:FE:R_Escobar -- See #2. mmm... Cheap Viagra...

4. Deals On Wheels - New 2005s! -- When I saw this one, I figured that they were offering me some sort of a deal on a new car. I was mistaken. It was actually an offer for Viagra. Is everything about Viagra or Cialis?

5. PENIS! -- That one was the most direct and most accurate.

Have a nice day folks.

Sunday, June 19, 2005

Sunday Haiku Tribute

Off to the right there, you will notice the new addition of a blog. It is a fella named Steakbellie and I have never met him. He is the good friend of a fella I like a bunch because of his humor... not his personality.

I really appreciate Steakbellie's humor and his ability to break out into HAIKU!!!

In honor of Steakbellie, I offer you this Sunday Haiku.

It was hot last week.
My face wanted to melt off.
My underwear smelled.

Thank you Steakbellie for being the creative muse that you are and may I recommend to everyone to check out the post that contains a picture of a cherry.

Saturday, June 18, 2005

Misty Color Watered Memories

I was scrolling through my cousin's son's blog the other day.

My cousin and his wife have been posting the life story of Joshua since he was born and I like to visit it every once in awhile. Joshua is five so you can imagine the fun posts about pooping and peeing I had to sort through to get to this gem.

I went back specifically to look up when muh wife and I went out to Palm Springs for a long weekend and we met up with Neal and the family for lunch.

"Joshua" made this fun post.

Sunday, February 10, 2002
Mommy said we were going for a ride today and we went to Palm Springs. My cousin (Smelmooo) was there and I never met him before. He had his friend (Tangent Woman) with him and she was cute. Not as cute as my Julianne of course, but I laid on the charm pretty heavy anyway. We went for lunch at Applebee's and had a great time running around the resort he was staying at. Mommy invited them back to stay with us when he has more time and I hope they come.

posted by kneel @ Sunday, February 10, 2002

Friday, June 17, 2005

The Story of the Flopping Deer

One day... there was a little baby deer who was walking through the Somerset County forest with his momma.

Momma decided that now would be a fun time to teach her fawn about a funerific game called "Chicken."

Momma ran out into the middle of Route 287 and waited... no... dared cars to hit her one late June evening around...let's say... 9ish.

Cars swerved and avoided making contact with Momma.

Momma encouraged baby deer to play the same game... yeup...that's right... in the middle of Route 287... on a late June evening... around... yeup... 9ish.

Baby Deer ran across two lanes of the traffic and thought that the Mattress truck would be soft so he let the truck hit him at full force.

Baby Deer and his body went straight up into the air and landed on his neck. His body didn't want to die right away so he flopped all over the ground and cars did their darnedest to avoid hitting the poor deer's carcas.

The Smelmooo's Buick was one of those cars... and the driver of the Buick... Smelmooo was sad to see Baby Deer and his body in that state.

Momma saw what happened and giggled... Survival of the Fittest... Survival of the Fittest...


And that dear readers is how I viewed the twitching deer in the middle of Route 287 on a recent late June evening... say... around... 9ish.

Thursday, June 16, 2005


... as "good as new."


He is also running around the house without anything on anymore.

YAY TUCKER!!!!!!!!!!!!

What a treat!

I put in some change into the vending machine for a treat.

I saw the treat fall into the dispenser.

I reached in and found three treats.

What a lucky day.


Random Thoughts on...a Nice Day in June....

1. When I go to a diner, I expect the waitress to take my order and refer to me as "Hon" -- Short for Honey. When I go to a Chinese restaurant, I do not expect this. When I ordered Chinese food a week or so ago, I made my order to the woman who spoke perfect English and ended the conversation with -- "That'll be 15 minutes hon." I was speechless when she did it again to me three times in the one minute transaction at the restaurant as well.

2. It has been so hot recently that I feel as though I have a permanent pair of underpants on. They fused to my skin.

3. I don't ask for much from the Yankees. As much as I enjoy seeing them beat up on teams 9-0, I would much rather see them win a lot of 5-3 games than very few 9-0 games. It makes them a better team and requires everyone to contribute more evenly.

4. I read an article about a new police officer in my town. He is 21 years old. That seems WAAAAYYY too young to be able to ruin my life forever.

5. I read another article in the paper today that told me that the entrance ramp to Route 1 and all of Route 1 in both directions where I get on and off almost every single day was shut down for 4 hours due to a MAJOR accident. I only found out about it in the paper. Sick. It was weird seeing that it was that close to our house. (About .8 miles.)

6. I have this very big need to just get in the car and go to Atlantic City to see if I can keep my poker winning streak up.

7. I am not sure why, but I was really looking forward to the new Batman movie. I don't read any of the comics and I haven't really liked any of the Batman movies since the first one with Michael Keaton, but I was hoping for a fun super hero movie this summer. Something to get me out of my funk where I don't wanna see anything that is out. Anyway... it is getting killed... I will wait for DVD.

8. Soooo... I decide to do something nice for Tangent Woman and I send a boquet of flowers to her at work... it was to arrive yesterday... as a surprise. YET...she decided to choose yesterday... as the only the 3rd time ever in our relationship... to work at home. My brother informed me that it is National Kick in the Pants week...s o that seems appropriate.

Kelly pissed me

She showed me this.

Thanks Kelly.

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

In my search...

...for the perfect patio set...

I have found it.

Tucker's Wild Eye Attack

Monday mornings. So many people hate them. I am not a big fan of them but hey... I get up each Monday and I deal with it.

This past Monday, muh wife woke up before me and took care of Tucker the Wonder Pup. He was being especially fidgety last night and I was glad to see him finally stop whining so I could get a couple of extra minutes rest.

I woke up about 20 minutes later to a note from muh wife that she was at the gym and telling me to look at Tucker's eye as it didn't seem right.

She was right.

The eye was tearing and he was squinting and he kept blinking. I remember that type of eye from when I had to go to the emergency room because I scratched muh cornea a few years ago. Tucker didn't look good.

We waited around and got a 10 am appointment at the veterinarian. About 45 minutes later, Tucker was diagnosed with an eye contusion. Basically, it means that his eye got wailed on something.

I racked muh brain and I couldn't think of what we had done the night before to have caused this. I couldn't think of anything at all except maybe when we were playing tug of war or fetch the tennis ball he might have swung his head in a funny way and hit the couch or something. Either way... I was still feeling as though it was something that I had done.

I was punished because one of the things that we had to do was put on one of those wacky Elizabethan collars on him so that he couldn't paw at his eye.

Yes... our dog looked like the dog in One Crazy Summer. I have to make light of something serious.

My guilt was made even deeper each time I had to leave him alone in the kitchen with plenty of water and a fan blowing on him as he just stared at me with that collar on. It was heart wrenching and if I did do something to cause the pain, there was my punishment.

I will add one thing though. It is amazing watching him with that collar. With it on, he is a moping and depressed dog. When I take the collar off, he goes crazy! It's like turning on and off the dog. He is so much more fun without it on. Almost as though I set him free.

I can already see a HUGE difference in his eye. He is a cutie.

Tuesday, June 14, 2005


Top Five Things I Thought When I Heard That a Verdict Was Reached in the Michael Jackson Trial
1. That poor guy. Hasn't he been through enough with his abusive father and a stolen childhood.
2. No way he can be guilty.
3. Of course he is guilty!
4. What will E! air now... if there are no more re-enactments to air?
5. IT's OVER???

Top Five Things I Thought When I Heard WHAT it WAS
1. Seems about right.
2. Yeup... they have shown him to be a freak.. but a molester?... nah.
3. Where was Bubbles?
4. Will this be covered by any television shows?

Top Five Reasons Why "Friendly's" is a Misnomer
1. "Pinky" wasn't so friendly.
2. I have been there twice this year and both times, it took at least 2-4 minutes for someone to acknowledge our existence.
3. We didn't even get offered ice cream yesterday -- More room for crap from the street fair!
4. The bathroom had no paper towels. How can I shake hands with wet and germ ridden hands?
5. They only serve breakfast until if you order french fries with your breakfast...they don't come out until AFTER NOON!

Top Five Ways For Your Puppy to Get an Eye Contusion
1. Run straight into the couch because he can't stop on a wood floor.
2. Wrestle with the man of the house.
3. Scare the bejesus out of a 7 year old and watch him swing like a little girl because the puppy wants to "kiss" the boy
4. Drive and crash a NASCAR car.
5. Mountain climb and "slip"

Top Five Uses for an Elizabethan Collar Other Than For Your Dog
1. A dunce cap
2. A mini cage for a gerbil... go ahead... get out of that one!
3. Theatre! (said like Jon Lovitz on Saturday Night Live.)
4. To store pretzels... the Bavarian Dutch Style the regular ones are too small and would slide out the hole.
5. MEgaphone -- Brrr... it's cold in here! There must be some Toros in the atmosphere! I said Brrr!

Top Five Things About the Local Street Fair
1. Fried Oreos
2. Sneaking into a used book shop to browse and get some air conditioning on our faces
3. Trying to avoid all the people handing out goodie bags of information.
4. People Watching
5. Walking into town. That is always the funnest.

Monday, June 13, 2005

Actual Conversation at the Bank Today

I drove up to the drive through window at the bank as the lobby wasn't open yet.

I put a check that was made out to "CASH" into the slot and when I said hello I asked the teller for 20 $1 bills.

She checked her drawer over and came back over the microphone with, "I do not have 20 $1 bills. May I give you all 20s?"

I responded with, "Do you have any 5s?"

She said, "Yes I do." and stared at me.

I said, "May I have four of them please?"

She said, "Sure." She then counted out the money and came back over the microphone. "I found 10 $1 bills."

I am confused at this point as I am trying to figure out why she didn't just say that to begin with as she hasn't left her stool yet.

"May I have them please?" I inquired.

"Are you sure? I thought you wanted 20 of them." She seriously said.

I just smiled really big and said, "Yes I am sure."

She then said... "Okay... so that is 4 $5 bills, 10 $1 bills. Oh wait, do you want two $5 bills to complete that second $20?"

I was starting to get annoyed and I said. "No. I will take $40 in 20s and I will take 10 $1 bills and 2 $5 bills."

The light went ding in her head.

Sunday, June 12, 2005

National Drive Safe Month

The YMCA let me down today.

I saw that there was a sign for a bunch of "months" this month and one of the said...

"National Drive Safe Month"

Grammatically incorrect of course... Safe describes Drive... so it is an adverb and should end in "ly"

This was almost as annoying as the ignorant idiots at Applebee's who are trying to dumb down America with:

"Eating Good in the Neighborhood"


Saturday, June 11, 2005

This Made Me Laugh

Welcome to Husband Mart!

A store that sells husbands has just opened in Chicago where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs. The woman reads the sign and says to herself, Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up? So up she goes.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids. The woman remarks to herself, That's great, but I wonder what's further up? And up she goes again.

Third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and
are extremely good looking. Hmmm, better she says. But I wonder what's upstairs?

The fourth floor sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs! , love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework. Wow!
exclaims the woman, very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up! And again she heads up another flight.

The fifth floor sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak! Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on? So up to the sixth floor she goes.

The sixth floor sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,789,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping
Husband-Mart and have a nice day.

Friday, June 10, 2005

Limited Entry...Urban Dictionary

I found an interesting site and I want everyone to check it out.


I have signed up for their daily Word of Da Day newsletter.

They send me a slang term complete with definition and usage each day. I was especially fond of today's word.

infinity plus shipping and handling

Infinity plus shipping and handling is similar to infinity plus one. It stems from the idea that everything has shipping and handling tacked on when ordered.

"Does anybody know what's larger than infinity?"


"No, infinity plus shipping and handling"


infinity plus shipping and handling:
1 definition

Thursday, June 09, 2005

Tucker's Belly Gurgle and My Wet Body Part

So... I had an interesting moment this week.

I was lying on the floor flat on my back watching an episode of Six Feet Under when Tucker decided that he wanted to play Tug of War with me.

The game involves me pulling on one end of a squeaky bone toy. Tucker then grabs on and shakes his head and beats my hand with his paw until he can jar it loose. Generally, he isn't strong enough yet to pull it out of my hand and we spend a good 15 to 20 minutes just tugging.

He tried a new tactic.

I heard what I thought was a sneeze and I got some goo on me. I then realized that the goo that was on me also had a round thing in it that he generally eats for dinner.

Tucker PUKED on me.

I am not good with getting dirt or crap on me when I am not mentally prepared for it. I don't mind going out in the flower beds and doing yard work and getting covered in mud as long as I am mentally prepared for it, but getting crap on me is not my idea of a good time.

I didn't want Tucker to win so I blew off the puke and finally shook him until he let go.

THEN and ONLY THEN did I go get something to wipe myself off with.

Tucker puke and a shower later... life is good.


Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Muh Busy Weekend

I am not the type of person to relate in diary format about what kind of day I had. I usually like to relate a story about the type of weekend I had as seen through an individual story, but this past weekend was quite the busy weekend. It is now later in the week and I am still trying to recover from all the running around and fun that we had.

This will also be a fun post as I plan on adding a ton of links to it for your CLICKING PLEASURE!

Friday night was the slowest night of the weekend as I spent a lovely evening with the incomparable Tucker. We played games and watched the Yankees game (he is as disgusted by the level of play as I am) and pretty much hung around until about 9:30 when muh wife (Tangent Woman) came home from a night out with her folks after her field trip.

On Saturday, I woke up at four in the morning and wrote up a bunch of eBay that hobby is starting again. I like to sell things on eBay and I am excited when things sell. I am trying to sell a bunch of random objects from around the house before I pick up the task of selling things for my co-workers. Anyone in need of a set of floor mats for a Toyota 4-Runner?

I eventually woke muh wife up at about 7:30 and we got dressed and gussied up for a trip to New York City. We did the ole TKTS thingy where you go wait on line for an hour or so to pick up a pair of tickets to a show. You don't know what show you will see when you go up to the counter and that is partly what makes the day fun. It also requires us to go explore the city for 4 hours or so. We walked deep into Central Park after walking the 17 or so blocks down 7th Avenue through a street Fair. It isn't often that you can freely stand in the middle of a major street in NYC and take pictures. I have a few good ones on my photo site. After Central Park, we ate at a pretty neat Thai place and then had a quick drink at an Applebees.

We had obtained tickets to see Hairspray...the Best Musical of 2003 or 2002 or something. It was a good time, but we were sitting near a pair of people who were obviously from way out of town. The idea of a Broadway show was tremendous to them and they stared at everything with awe and amazement. The fella of the pair LOVED the show. I know this because he was one of those people that laugh AT EVERYTHING and they laugh incredibly LOUDLY!

Part of me admires people like that as they are not afraid to hold back their impressions and laugh hysterically at everything, but in a confined space... I was a bit annoyed.

After the show, we made our way home and were snugly back with the Tuckster at 6:00 pm. We cooked up some food on the grill and hung around. I went to bed at 9 to prepare for the early rise on Sunday which happened at 2:30 am while muh wife waited for my good friend Mike to show up.

We left at 3:00 am...arrived in Dover at 5:45 am, had the tent sent up by 6:00 and the first Miller Lite finished by 6:10. The day was a gorgeous sunny day and after a half bottle of sun screen and MANY MANY Ounces of meat consumed, we came home and arrived at 11:45 or so in the evening.

Sleep came easy... very easy...

I Love NJ Politics.

New Jersey had a primary election for the Republican gubernatorial candidate.

They were discussing several of the candidates that weren't near the top.

"Schoeder, DiGaetano and Caliguire received less votes than the 19,079 votes for Democratic gubernatorial candidate James Kelly, Jr., who resides in a group home for the mentally ill. "

As muh friend Kelly says... "some people live in group homes for teh mentally ill...some are just mentally ill"

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

Pistons Return to NBA Finals!!!

Who Frigging Cares?

Voting For Me

Primary Day is a fun day.

Not many people vote...

I was on the ballot today as I am running for a County Committee seat.

I ran unopposed and I should have no reason to believe that there is going to be a huge write in campaign against me.

The polls had been open for almost two hours when I went in.. I was the only Democrat to I can safely say that at 8:00 am this morning... I was winning 1-0.

That is all I need to win...

Top Five Tuesday -- NASCAR Edition

Top Five Times of Day to Drink Beer at a NASCAR Race
1. 6:00 AM
2. 7:00 AM
3. 8:00 AM
4. 9:00 AM
5. 10:00 AM
Honorable Mentions -- 11:00 AM, Noon, 1:00 PM, 2:00 PM, 3:00 PM. 4:00 PM, 5:00 PM... oh.. you get the drift.

Top Five Most Interesting Choices for Outfits
1. A patch... on his eye.
2. I saw this one chick take her tank top and roll it up very carefully, then tuck it under her bra all the way around. Let's just say that because of who she was... this took a very long time.
3. There was a bald guy... without a shirt on... Let's just say that he was completely pink from the sun, but he chose to wear a VISOR. I wanted to see the strip of white around his big fat head.
4. I saw a chick with an extremely ample bosom wearing almost nothing up top. I also watched about 6 guys drop their ice cream turning their heads to stare at the ungodly set of hooters.
5. There was a guy wearing a leather coat...and nothing else up top. He also had on a pair of khakis. When his nipples popped out... I wanted to hurl.

Top Five Items You Can Put on Shish Kebabs
1. Chicken
2. Beef
3. Shrimp Wrapped in Bacon
4. Tomato
5. Red Pepper

Top Five Improvements From Last Year's Events
1. NINE urinals instead of 2 in the parking area where there was a huge line ... all the time!
2. The ladies at the exhibits were better looking this year... of course I will answer questions about Crown Royal!!!
3. They had Nestle ice cream snacks... dang...that Nestle Toll House cookie ice cream sandwich is pure heaven... HEAVEN I TELL YOU!
4. We upgraded our eating... no burgers or dogs here... none.
5. Mike bought a new kind of pork roll... mmmm...egg and pork roll sandwiches....

Top Five Cures For Self Pity
1. Go to a NASCAR race and see some of the winners there.
2. Meet a gentleman with his front two teeth missing, saggy boobs even though extremely thin, and a patch on his eye.
3. Hang out in the parking lot the faces the major interstate and watch the cars sitting there not moving and be happy that you have a beer in your hand and a steak kabob in your other hand thankful you are not sitting in that traffic.
4. Pee in a PortaPotty all day long... that'll make you realize how great your life is.
5. Drink Natural Light Ice... does it get worse than that?

Top Five Drivers to Be Boo'ed
1. Jeff Gordon -- when he crashed, the crowd erupted in applause. It was surreal.
2. Kyle Busch -- The venom spewed and the drunks spoke.
3. Jimmie Johnson -- That's muh boy. Fourth place.
4. Kurt Busch -- Hated... Just Plain hated.
5. Robby Gordon -- No relation... just sort of a whiny bitch.

Puppy Hater

John hates muh puppy stories.

John must equal a puppy hater.

Monday, June 06, 2005


Please welcome to the world of Blogs a new addition.


I married this chick. She is an excellent writer and I hope you can appreciate her as much as I do. might even give you some insight as to why she said "I do" to a bloke like me.

Click here...

Things You Should Know About the Smelmooo

Things You Should Know About the Smelmooo

1. Yeah... I am sitting on the couch or in an arm chair and all of a sudden my bare feet are being licked as though the removal of a layer of skin will save Tucker's life....and yeah... I enjoy it immensely. It tickles the hell out of me.

2. I seriously consider popping a bag of Orville Reddenbacher's Movie Style Popcorn as an acceptable dinner.

3. I was excited to see that I can find ways to grill just about anything.... as our Grilling Cookbook will attest.

4. I couldn't help but laugh out loud at a recent article I read about some people in Georgia who used spatulas to garden. I don't care about the spatulas or their usage... but the fact that it was reported on? That kills me.

5. I had to pee all the time while I was collecting caps for the Pepsi iTunes contest. Lots of Pepsi = Lots of pee.

6. I am beginning to thoroughly enjoy watching NASCAR live... it is no longer about the food and cooking. THe sport is sucking me in a bit.

and you wonder why I dislike him immensely...

It is this kind of behavior that makes me dislike him more than watching my favorite cheese drop on the muddy ground.

I recognize his brilliance as an actor but the guy is just a douche bag and needs to have a muzzle put on him.

Jack ass...

Click here.

Sunday, June 05, 2005

Heading Off!!

That's right.. it is 2:55 in the morning... and I am blogging...


I must have stayed up late and I am going to bed?


I woke up and I am off to NASCAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Good times will be had by all... especially with beer at 6 in the morning!!

Saturday, June 04, 2005

In the news...The Smelmooo's Opinions...

Let's see...

The Runaway Bride is now a convicted felon as she has plead guilty to lying. She has agreed to pay the $13,250 to the City of Duluth to help pay for the overtime costs that the city incurred because she was a lying jerk. Good for them. Now... let's all hope they aren't finished throwing the book at her. Right now, I am viewing her as a spoiled princess and daddy has bought her freedom. Convict her... please...

Deep Throat is finally revealed! I haven't seen something this anti-climatic since they revealed who "Anonymous" was as the writer of Primary Colors. Ho hum....

Danica Patrick is pissing off all the men of the world as she is being successful in her Indy car racing. One of the big complaints is that she weighs 100 pounds less than everyone else so her car is lighter so it will go faster. Quit crying and beat her. That is the best and quickest way to run her out of the game my friends... if it really matters that much to you!

Friday, June 03, 2005

That's the sound of muh head EXPLODING!!!

"I'm very in love -- he's the one," (Paris) Hilton enthused to People a few weeks ago. "I want to have kids in the next two years, because I know that completes your life."

She has already hinted that their firstborn will be named -- wait for it -- Paris.

Potty Mouth Smelmooo

A recent blog by Minnams had me thinking... how much of a potty mouth do I have?

I am sure that my wife will disagree with me but for the most part I am not a curser. I use a lot of the first letters of curse words to explain how I feel, but I have seen potty mouth... and Mr. Smelmooo, I do not qualify as a potty mouth.

For example, I was at a fund raiser the other night and I was standing around a bunch of people. I was relating a story about some horrible driver when I said... "That guy was such an f'in' a-hole." Just like that... I used the letters and didn't say the word. I view it as some sort of compromise... I am not actually cursing but hey... it gets the point across and expresses my anger with the fella.

I also started to think of words that I think are appropriate in their own context and should be used more often because of how funny they sound.

Nothing expresses my negative opinion more of another person... especially a male... as when I use the word(s) "douche bag." Yeup... that old phrase. I am singlehandedly bringing that word back to the mainstream and I am awfully proud of that fact. Don't be a douche bag... use it!

I am also in agreement with the great Minnams when I believe that "dickwad" is a great word to use to describe others who are causing you some negative vibes. It is just so descriptive and yet... means absolutely nothing to anyone who isn't really paying attention!

Finally, allow me to end with this...

DIpshit is a fantastic phrase too... and lay off of me douche bag if you don't like it... (mutter... dickwad)

have a nice day!

Thursday, June 02, 2005

Trenton Titans... Ahh... The Victory...

Muh wife and I went out to a Trenton Titans hockey game on our first date. I had a pair of tickets and finally got up the courage to see if she wanted to go with me.

It was a test really... I wanted to see if she was:

1. Willing to go to a sporting event as I love going to them...
2. Willing to go out in public with me.

I was lucky on both accounts and she said yes.

I had been going to Titans games with my friends Matt and Mike for a couple of years by that point. Enough that we were friendly with the people that always sat behind us even though we only went to about 8-10 games a season. I was fortunate enough to know someone who worked for a company that couldn't give the tickets away except on weekends. So... she always gave them to me... It was a pretty sweet set up.

Anyway... muh wife and I went to the Titans game and had a blast. We then went to another game on our second date... needless to say... the Titans hold a very special place in our hearts.

The Titans are a minor league hockey team affiliated with the New York Islanders and Philadelphia Flyers. Essentially, they are two levels below the pros and are fun to watch because they play hockey and do not rely as much on the fighting and crap. The games are played in a 5000 seat stadium and all seats are good. The fans are top notch and extremely loyal. It is a fun night whether you like hockey or not...

What's the point Smelmooo?

Well... I have been diligently following the Titans ever since and this year was a pretty exciting year for the Titans as they won the "Kelly Cup" The Kelly Cup is the ECHL's equivalent of the Stanley Cup. It is the first time in almost 60 years that a professional team has won a professional sports title in Trenton. It is a big deal to many people... and I bet you didn't hear about it this morning. That .. to me .. is a shame...

Well... kudos to the Trenton Titans!!!

Congratulations on winning the Kelly Cup in your sixth year of existence!!!

I Can't Bring Myself To Do It

I have the charge of calling the VET to make an appointment to get Tucker neutered.

I KNOW IT NEEDS TO BE DONE... but... I just can't make that call.

Poor little guy...

Must get Strength!!!

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Crash... Breaking the Racial Stereotypes

Let's see... how do I say this?

Muh wife and i went to see what I micht consider one of the greatest if not THE greatest film on race relations ever made this weekend. It is entitled Crash.

One of the key components to the movie was that it demonstrated the abusrdity of racial stereotpyes and was still able to shock and move the moviegoer.

It is a tremendous movie and will become a staple of every single race relations college class at many universities for decades to come.

Now... the audience reflected the cast of characters. It was a mix of black and white and some couples were also mixed as well... It was a refreshing audience.

One of the biggest stereotypes out there is that black audiences tend to talk to the screeen and be very loud. One of the SCARY MOVIES even made fun of this in its plot. It is a stereotype...

Our audience however began to grate on my nerves when three blonde women decided to plant their ample butts behind our heads just as the previews were coming to an end.

They then decided to talk during the entire film.. breaking all preconceived racial stereotypes!

The movie Crash may have been made to help identify racial and ethnic problems in our country and it may have been made to help change them.

I think it did.