Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Going Away For a Bit

I am going on a long ass work trip where I will have none or little access to the internet.

May you have a fun week without me.

I am sure that I will have some good stories when I come back...

I plan on doing a couple of things I have never done before... like skeet shoot.

Bowman's Superbowl Boxes Game

Every year, my buddy Chris runs a Super Bowl Boxes Game. This year is no different, but he is having some website problems.

Feel free to email him at if you want to get in on the action.

Here are his official rules.

For those of you who have entered before, you know mine won't hurt the wallet and is easy to follow. For those who still are unsure here's a quick breakdown. You take the score at the end of each quarter of the SuperBowl. The last digit of each team's score is the important thing. You then find the team and that number and match it up with the other team's last digit.For example: When the Bears play the Colts in the SuperBowl this year, the score at the end of the 1st quarter is 10-7 Colts. You would take the 0 for the Colts and the 7 for the Bears and see where they meet on the chart. That box wins that quarter. We repeat this for all the rest of the quarters. Halftime and the end of the game are worth the most.

Just email HIM at with the amount of boxes you want and the numbers you want (1-100). He will let you know if they are available or send you a copy of the excel spreadsheet.

It will run you 10 beans per box... and I already have my two boxes 19 and 6... so don't even think about asking for those.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Wacky Winter Weather

Winter so far has been pretty wacky.

You can quickly read about It's All in the Stars' antics of running out in this weather on a gorgeous Saturday January afternoon.

You can read other folks blogs about the absurdity of it all.

Heck... I think it's really wrong that the other day, I took the Christmas tree out to the curb in shorts and a T-Shirt.

But I wanted to share with you one of the craziest things so far.

We have a very nice flower bed in front of our house and the previous owner put in some great annuals or perrenials or whatever they are called. One of the great flowers that she put in was some gorgeous tulips.

They started coming up a couple weeks ago.

Take a look... I took that this less than a week ago!

Monday, January 22, 2007

Look! It's Muh Wife!!!

Click here.


Sacha Baron Cohen Acceptance Speech

Turn up your speakers... I promised you this (6 days late!)

New Look

Like it?

Three Word Movie Reviews

All The King's Men -- Mumble, Mumble, What?

American Pie Presents: The Nude Mile -- Why'd I Watch?

Artie Lange's Beer League -- Foul and Funny

Black Dahlia -- Black Crap Hole

Conversations With Other Women -- Clever, Smart Film

The Covenant -- You Kidding Me?

Crank -- Good, Fun Ride

Descent -- Disturbingly Fiendish Goodness

Factotum -- Couldn't Finish It....

Haven -- Incomprehensible Drivel... blech.

The Holiday -- Sleep In Kids....

Idiocracy -- Expected MUCH More

The Illusionist -- Really Enjoyed Twists

Invincible -- Title Speaks Volumes

Jackass: Number Two -- Amazingly cringe inducing

Jet Li's Fearless -- Good Fight Scenes!!!

Lady in the Water -- I Actually Enjoyed

Last Kiss -- Not the Worst

My Super Ex-Girlfriend -- Inane but Satisfying

The Night Listener -- Very Interesting Film

Oz: Season 6 -- Appropriate Show Ending

Queer as Folk (Season 2) -- Engagingly Funny, Repetitive

Queer as Folk (Season 3) -- Refreshed, Good Show

Queer as Folk (Season 4) -- Powerfully Understated Quality

Scanner Darkly -- Imaginative, Wacky, Different

Snakes On a Plane -- Stupid Simple Fun

Talledega Nights -- Mildly funny... long

Wicker Man -- Stupid, Stupid Dumb

The Wire: Season One -- WOW. That's goooood.

The Wire: Season Two -- Still... Very goooood.

World Trade Center -- Powerful, yet boring

Sunday, January 21, 2007

Our Crazy Neighbor

This was taken from the local newspaper... for those of you that thought I was exagerating about my neighbor... this should prove what I was saying... He is NUTS.

Vehicle vandalism leads to arrest

METUCHEN: A XXXX Street resident was arrested at 5:20 p.m. Tuesday for vandalizing a car parked illegally in front of his house, police said.

SMELMOOO'S NEIGHBOR, 57, admitted to taking the law into his own hands by scratching the paint on cars parked on northbound XXXX Street, where it is illegal to park between 5 p.m. and 9 p.m. weekdays.

Over the last two years numerous vehicles have been vandalized while parked on XXXX Street near the LOCAL BUSINESS, police said.

Off-duty police officer XXXX XXXX was leaving when he witnessed SMELMOOO'S NEIGHBOR vandalizing the car. SMELMOOO'S NEIGHBOR was charged with that incident and another incident from Feb. 1. He was released on his own recognizance.

No other charges have been signed due to statute of limitations, police said.

Saturday, January 20, 2007

What Does Your SAT Score Mean?

Your SAT Score of 1410 Means:

You Scored Higher Than Howard Stern
You Scored Higher Than George W. Bush
You Scored Higher Than Al Gore
You Scored Higher Than David Duchovny
You Scored Higher Than Natalie Portman
You Scored Lower Than Bill Gates

Your IQ is most likely in the 130-140 range

Equivalent ACT score: 32

Schools that Fit Your SAT Score:
Amherst College
Dartmouth College
Williams College
University of Pennsylvania
Columbia University

Friday, January 19, 2007

Busty Cops 2 -- A Story of HD

Muh wife and I decided it was time to buy ourselves an HDTV.

Read: Smelmooo decided to push and push and push until Tangent Woman broke down and agreed to let the Smelmooo buy an HDTV.

I did a great deal of research and we bought a better than average television that was on sale.

Our cable company offers free HD programming if you have the right box. We didn't have the right box. 8 days later, we were able to get an HDTV/DVR box from the cable company and we began watching HD programming immediately.

One of the first things we watched was the Ohio State/Florida bore fest of a national championship game. The game looked great on the screen and there really is a major difference as I flipped back and forth between the regular and HD versions.

Major difference you say?

How can I actually tell?

I wanted to make sure that I would be happy with the picture so I was sure to record a softcore porn film entitled Busty Cops 2.

After careful examination of the picture quality of Busty Cops 2, I have come to this important conclusion.

The picture is more gooder that a regular television... and it only took a few minutes to figure it out.

No seriously....

Disclaimer: Tangent Woman knew I was going to do tape the classic film ... let me be honest when I say that I deleted it as soon as I woke up the next morning.

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Smooching Chicks at a Wedding... A Story of Being a Dumb Ass

Weddings are great. I truly love being at weddings of good friends and it always makes me happy when those folks that I love personally get married. I love seeing the happiness of finding their true love.

Gina and Jack got married this weekend and they are a super example of this for me.

I love them both and tank god they found each other...

But... I got quite a laugh at muh wife's expense at the wedding... as I made a stupid joke and it annoyed her a bit... so I quickly rectified it.

Ever since she has known me, Tangent Woman has known about people that she knows and if I have smooched them in my past. One of Gina's best friends and I went out on a couple of dates many years ago and we smooched a couple of times.

It obviously went nowhere... and muh wife knows all about that fact. We stay in touch with this lovely woman, her husband and two children... It's no big deal.

So... at the wedding, we all sat at the same table at the reception and muh wife was on my right and the woman was on my left... I leaned over and said to muh wife...

"Wow! I am sitting between two of the three women HERE I have smooched!"

Muh wife scowled at me... COMPLETELY APPROPRIATELY because she thought I was going one way... and switched it on her...

I quickly apologized... appropriately so too... and let me do it again...

Sorry honey.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Book 4 of 52 -- Dispatches From the Edge by Anderson Cooper

For her birthday, I was nice enough to purchase an "autopbiography" of sorts for muh wife. Dispatches from the Edge by Anderson Cooper I have written many times of those famous folks who I think are cuties -- even about getting caught with fake porn, but I rarely discuss what or whom muh wife thinks is a cutie.

Ever since muh wife watched the second season of The Mole with me, she has had a tremendously large crush on Anderson Cooper.

That's right... The very Anderson Cooper who stands in hurricanes and interviews the poorest and most destitute of folks on a daily/weekly basis.

Heck... he even took advantage of this and wrote a book of his reflections on these unique experiences. Book 4 was this very book. He writes about reporting from Sri Lanka after the Tsunami and from New Orleans after Hurrican Katrina... among other events that have shaken the world the past few years.

He intertwines his past and how his unique family history is relevant to the writings and how and why he covers so much human tragedy.

I felt the book was a bit on the extremely boring and self serving side, but what the heck... he is who he is.

If you have a crush on him... ummm... KD and TD... take your copy of Dispatches from the Edge and feel free to take it to your favorite mountain hut.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Golden Globes 2007 -- A Retrospective of Sorts

The girl from Little Miss Sunshine is a cutie patootie... but I have one thought E!. Don't Glam Cam an 8 year old!!!! It's just plain disturbing.

Julianna DiPandi needs to have someone run a lawnmower over her head... not because she has bad hair, but because she is annoyingerest than anyone.

When I was watching the Golden Globes Pre-Show and I was chatting with a friend when I threw this one out there.
sMelMoOO (7:03:33 PM): I am trapped in the hell called...
sMelMoOO (7:03:50 PM): "Muh wife has hijacked the television for the Golden Friggng Globes pre-show"

I have three words for Cameron Diaz and her look -- What the F*ck?

Juliana DiPandi only knows three phrases... 1. "What are you wearing?" 2. "Beautiful!!!" 3. "Please put me out of my misery and hit me in the head with a huge shovel." Oh wait... I have dreams that I sometimes express out loud...

Jeremy Piven is getting into Minute 14 right now of his career, but poor Jeremy's interview was unceremoniously interupted for that asshole couple Bradgelina. WRONG crappy network E!!!!

Eddie Murphy seems to have reached... umm... I don't know... ASSHOLE status...(written at 7:45ish -- When he won his globe... I took it back.)

Is it a coincidence that an African American won the first two awards on Martin Luther King, Jr. day? (Yes... Smelmooo is a putz.)

Thank you Emily Blunt for wearing that dress... I speak on behalf of all the poor heterosexual men that were forced to watch this show by their wives.

Sacha Baron Cohen kicks so much smelly ass. I cried during his speech. As soon as someone gets footage of it up on You Tube... I swear I am putting it up as its own blog.

WingBowl XV

Steakbellie... may you kick some major ass.

Monday, January 15, 2007

Happy Martin Luther King, Jr. Day

I am working today...and I hope you are too...

Not because I don't think the holiday is valid... but because I am jealous if you are off today...

Hear that Tangent Woman?

Also... is it more rude that I noticed that the one black guy in the entire building is in the building today or that he has to work?

Just curious.

Sunday, January 14, 2007

Greatest The Office Line

Hey... I just wanted to share this with you all.

I loved this line on the Office this week. (It's paraphrased... but the part about the beeswax is right.

Dwight is on the security log but the company he signed in with was
Beeswax, Not Yours Incorporated.


Saturday, January 13, 2007


Oh Gina and Jack...


We wish you the best of luck...

Friday, January 12, 2007

Book 3 of 52 -- Dear John by Nicholas Sparks

My third book of the year and a book that typifies my desire to read drivel was "Dear John" (by master of schmaltz -- Nicholas Sparks. It has been sitting on my desk for a couple of months and I finally decided to clear it off by reading it.

I was surprised by it. The book was centered around a man who was a rebel as a kid. He went into the army and straightened himself out... and one week home while home on leave, he met the woman of his dreams.

Nicholas Sparks likes to throw a bunch of wacky shit into it to confuse the reader and make it seem as though the lovely couple can't make it. This is not any different than any of his other books, but i liked this one since it also focused on the protagonist's relationship with his father... and he eventually learns why it was so strained...

It was a great book...but crap at the same time... but shit.. that's Nicholas Sparks... you get what you pay for...

Thursday, January 11, 2007

Show Me The Money!

Last night, no one heard George Bush say where he is going to find the $10 billion for Iraqis, but rumor has it that he gave a Nigerian the United States' bank account number.... and it will be transferred in.

I Have a Confession to Make...

... I am a beligerent game player.

I need to say a few things before I get into this too much.

1. I am one of the nicest and funniest people you will ever meet.

2. I am very competitive. I hate losing when I play poorly. I have no problem losing in the long run, but I must admit -- if you are going to play a game with me, I am going to do everything in my power to win.

3. Part of doing everything in my power includes bullying...

... this leads to my beligerent side.

I will pull out the stops and it is most evident when you play trivia games against me. Here are many of the tactics that I pull and to be fair to me... I tell all the people that I play games against that I play this way.. and I tell them all these "tactics" before we even start to play... but.. they still get mad at me.

1. I read each question in a different accent or I will act them out. It's amazing to see them get confused by muh voice... or annoyed. Either way... they are now distracted.

2. I will act out every single punctuation mark. That's right... I am the the quotes guy. I point at the player when it is periods and I will even curve my fingers when it is a comma or apostrophe. That's right... I am distracting you more.

3. I am not shy to say the following words "Oh come on.. just guess already... it's not like you are going to get it anyway... " or something condescending such as... "You are about 30 years too old to know this so it's alright if you don't know." Most of the people we play with... are about 30ish.

4. I will yawn or snore or antagonize until my opponents are finally pressured into answering me... It's just not nice... but I will pull out the stops.

Someone recently told me that I was beligerrent when I played a game and I had to concede... since I don't think that i have ever hid that fact. Then... muh wife and I kicked her and her husband's ass... three times in a row.

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Tennis Anyone?

Muh wife and I recently picked up a pair borrowed tennis rackets and old tennis balls to play a couple sets of tennis. We haven't played in so long and it was refreshing to pick up a racket again.

We played at a location foreign to us in so many ways:

The woman who rented the court to us was so sweet especially when she realized that neither of us understood some of the vernacular she was using. I still don't know what she meant by using the word demo...but she was a sweetheart and patient nonetheless

We were also surprised to play on a clay court. Neither of us have ever played on a clay court before and I can't speak for muh wife, but I have never enjoyed a surface as much as that.

I was worried that the ball would slide, but it seemed to bounce better and I had much better control of my wicked backspin.

I did the sliding and it was fun to slide like Boris Becker from the old days.

This is much to muh wife's dismay since my backspin is so wicked that I have been known to have it spin back at me into the net.

What a good time kids...much more fun than a concrete court.

hey! I won this fake trophy too this year!


2006 League Champion!

Tucker's Nuts
Big Cocks Champion
Big Cocks Champion
History (1)
5 Trophy Stars5 Trophy Stars5 Trophy Stars5 Trophy Stars5 Trophy Stars
League Champion

Championship Trophy

Pretty Moon

I was on my way to an early ass breakfast meeting this morning and left the house at about 5:30 or so.

the moon was so pretty that early in the morning... I hate seeing it that early.

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Damn You President Ford

Yeah... you were the second President of my lifetime...

Yeah... you were the equivalent of a big teddy bear in President form...

Yeah... you were a good man (as far as we know...)

But damn your death!

My office is set up so that the windows are to my left and I face my door.

For the past whatever amount of days, I have the half mast flag in my line of sight and it's annoying me.

I blame it all on you President Ford...

All on y ou...

Monday, January 08, 2007

Shut Up Asshole

I have seen you around the building twice today... and was polite enough to say.. How are you?

If you say... "Good enough... but I have a case of the Mondays" to me ever again... I will break my pacifistic history to kick you in the teeth.

Have a nice day.

Love Smelmooo

Book 2 of 52 -- David Baldacci's The Camel Club

I am busy... but I wanted to say... this was good and I enjoyed it.

Back to the spy stuff for Baldacci!

Sunday, January 07, 2007

Funniest Unfortunate Commercial

This is immature and hilarious... AND CLEAN so watch it a couple of times.

Saturday, January 06, 2007

Let Me Learn Something About Muh Readers

Let's say that you have to do one of these things.

Would you rather...

1. Lick the door and faucet handles in a gas station bathroom...

2. Sleep an entire night in prison in general population...


3. Eat your mom's boogers.

Friday, January 05, 2007

Jar of Fat

Yeah... you guys ready for this?

One of the many things that my mom taught me growing up is that you do NOT want to pour your grease and fat downt he drain. It will eventually build up and create a clog down there.

Growing up, I remember vividly that she would take empty jars and store one under the sink that had the sole purpose of storing fat and grease.

Muh wife and I think that it makes a lot of sense and we continue this trend. (The worst part is opening up one of these jars and breathing in the stench that results... ick...)

Our jar just filled up and I wanted to share it with you. I think it's about a year's worth of fat.

As KD and TD would say... "Good times... Good times..."

Thursday, January 04, 2007

Losing An Old Friend -- In Third Person

Good news to the Smelmooo this year.

He won a fantasy football league in all respects. With that came a few hundred bucks in cash.

Each week, the Smelmooo would kill time by looking at his team and reading articles on his favorite sports websites (Sportsline and Yahoo) and making decisions about his fake team.

His team "Tucker's Nuts" won solidly for much of the year and finished first in the regular season and then in the playoffs. Some whiny babies may even refer to his win as rigged even though there is no possible way that it could have been rigged.

So now... the way that the Smelmooo used to kill time for the past 18 weeks is gone.

The Smelmooo has no websites to read and no fake line ups to produce.

The Smelmooo doesn't have any real commitment to any sport until he casually follows the Yankees come Spring time...

I guess the NFL playoffs will just have to do the Smelmooo well enough.


Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Book 1 of 52 -- David Baldacci's Hour Game

It's a new year and with a new year, we have a brand new book countdown-ish to complete. I do this mostly to remind myself that reading is fun.

I want to raise my expeectations again from last year and shoot for 52 books again in 2007 as I did in 2005. I easily accomplished this in 2006 as my bursts of reading tend to follow a pattern.

I read a lot more from January to March for a variety of reasons.

1. I travel a lot on planes for work so I need to read to pass the time.
2. It is colder so I am not outside killing time, but inside reading.
3. Fires are fun to read around.

So let's kick off 2007 with David Baldacci's Hour Game.

Quick and easy plot description includes a pair of detectives trying to solve the murder of someone while a "serial" killer is running around town killing people in fun and unique ways that resemble old serial killers modus of operandi.

It's good. It was 600 pages in paperback and could have easily been trimmed by 100 pages, but it is still good. It is really one of those books that is complicated enough to hold your attention and absurd enough to accept it as pure fiction. Baldacci is good at that...and I suppose that is exactly why he has been so successful.

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Year in Review-ish

2006 was a fun and good year for me and muh wife.

Aside from various personal successes this year and a lot of fun trips such as Puerto Rico and Tampa Bay, I wanted to just draw quick attention to two "events" that I loved a whole bunch.

First up -- Rutgers vs. Louisville

The game that reminded me of what I have been dreaming for for years at Rutgers football games. Thank you RU for this night that I will never forget!

Second Up -- Evil Dead The Musical

Muh wife and I attend a lot of musicals, but this was the most fun I have had in a very long time.

Third Up -- Raiders Game in Oakland and Meadowlands

I was lucky enough to go to San Francisco in October so I snuck over to oakland where I got to see one of the many Raiders losses this year. What a truly electric atmosphere and an absolute blast. I was also lucky to see them play at the Meadowlands a couple days ago. Thanks Dave!

Monday, January 01, 2007

A Survey Thingy....Kick Off the New Year

Why not kick off the new year with one of these frigging annoying surveys. I tried for funny answers. I am not entirely sure I was successful.

1. What is your occupation? I am an ED. Go ahead Tangent Woman... giggle at the use of the ED "phrase" you nine year old boy you...

2. What color are your socks right now: Brown with colored stripes. I like my socks to be different.

3. What are you listening to right now? I am listening to the melodic sounds of one of my members complaining to me on the phone about one of his problems.

4. What was the last thing that you ate? Yellow M&Ms. We have a candy jar here and it only has yellow M&Ms in it. FUN!

5. Can you drive a stick shift? Yes I can... I wish I had one.

6. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Asphalt Black

7. Last person you spoke to on the phone? My Member... (Giggle again Tangent Woman)

8. Do you like the person who sent this to you? Kelli sent it to me... and I better say that I love her or she will kick my ass.

9. How old are you today? 33

10. Favorite drink? I really love a good ice cold Diet Coke recently... been passing on alcohol and stuff for good cold Diet Coke.

11. What is your favorite sport to watch? Without question... FOOTBALL

12. Have you ever dyed your hair? Nope... no need to when you have a glorious head of brown hair and white streaks forming in it.


14. Favorite food? Egg and cheese and sausage on some sort of bread product.

15. What was the last movie you watched? Talledega Nights

16. Favorite day of the year? September 6th and December 18th. Those are the days that Tangent Woman and Tucker were born.

17. Favorite movie star? This one will probably surprise you -- Michael Keaton

18. What was your favorite toy as a child? Matchbox cars or my big wheel

19. What is your favorite season: fallllll.... I love the falllllll....

20. Hugs or kisses? I ain't no fag.

21. Cherries or Blueberries? Blueberries in a bowl with milk and lightly sprinkled sugar.

22. Do you want your friends to email you back? Today or in general?

23. Who is most likely to respond? Fag Boy T...

24. Who is least likely to respond? Marc -- he doesn't like me anymore....

25. Living arrangements? A house... with wife and dog.

26. When was the last time you cried? Hrm... I don't remember how long ago I watched the Lake House

27. What is on the floor of your closet? Clothes that are going to the dry cleaning...

28. Who is the friend you have had the longest that you are sending this to? No one.. since I won't send this as an annoying email... but rather.. post it on a blog.

29. What did you do last night? Watched TV and stuff with muh wife and doggie.

30. Favorite smells? Pizza

31. What are you afraid of? Falling and bumblebees stinging me in the eyes.

32. Cheesy or spicy hamburgers? CHEEEEEEEEEESSSSYYYY

33. Favorite dog breed? A nice Border Collie/Corgi mix

34. Number of keys on your key ring? 3

35. How many years at your current job? 6

36. Favorite day of the week? Saturday... that's when the paper has Super Soudoku

37. How many states/provinces have you lived in? 2

38. Favorite holidays? I don't really care... I like most holidays...

39. Ever driven a Motorcycle or heavy machinery? Yeup.. I illegally drove a crane... but I had permission.