Saturday, April 30, 2005

Most Clever License Plate I Have Ever Seen

Let's see who will appreciate this.

I recently saw a NJ License plate number that read:


At first.... I couldn't figure it out...until I noticed that the border was a Red Sox border.

I looked and I looked and I looked...

Then it hit me and I was impressed... even though I am a Yankees fan.

(For those of you who don't get it... REVERSE the letters...think Sox and smile at how clever it is/was.)

Friday, April 29, 2005

Like the Energizer Bunny... It Goes and Goes...

The best season of Survivor since Australia continued last night and I was most impressed with the show.

The biggest downside to the entire evening was that I had to sit through an hour long press conference from the President. On a side note... did anyone else notice how angry the reporter and Bush got during the "faith" question. His feathers got ruffled.

Last week I praised the fact that Stephenie was still in the game because she is from New Jersey... but I have really started to dislike her last night even more and was glad she was booted. Can anything be her fault? Me me me... wah wah wah... oh well..

Her boot ensures that I have at least one player in the final four... excellent... Just three more episodes to go.

The current score is now 3-3!!!!

Please people... root me on... I need to win my 7th in a row!!!! (As a reminder, the number in parenthesis is the spot that the player was picked in the draft.)

Pork Chop Express (Me)
Tom (1)
Ian (5)
Jennifer (16)
Wanda (20) -- Booted Week One
Jolanda (13) -- Booted Week One
Ashlee (17) -- Booted Week Two
Willard (9) -- Booted Week Five
Angie (12) -- Booted Week Five
James (4) -- Booted Week Six
Coby (8) -- Booted Week Nine

ASHHHfault (MB)
Katie (2)
Caryn (3)
Gregg (6)
Jon (18) -- Booted Week One
Jeff (15) -- Booted Week Three
Kim (11) -- Booted Week Four
Ibrehem (10) -- Booted Week Seven
Bobby Jon (19) -- Booted Week Eight
Janu (14) -- Booted Week Ten
Stephenie (7) -- Booted Week Eleven

Thursday, April 28, 2005

Our puppy... on an audition... Part Deux

As it said in the blog... Tucker passed.

I just dropped him off and wow... that was harder than I thought it was going to be.

He was cute and didn't want to go.

I don't know if it is a good thing when they tell me... oh boy... he is having so much fun out there already... playing with the other puppies and dogs.

We have been replaced!

Our puppy... on an audition...

Three Days ... Before the "Audition"

Muh wife and I were planning on leaving town for a few days for a work event and we need to find a place to put him.

The most local "kennel" in the area is in our town and it is not listed as a kennel... but as a resort. Our next door neighbors use the place and they say that the place treats their dog fabulously. We wanted to give it a shot.

I picked up the phone after finding their site on the web and gave them a buzz. I stated... "Hi! Muh wife and I recently got a new puppy..."

"OOOOH! What kind!!!" she interupted...

"He is a border collie mix. Daddy is unknown to us. Unfortunately, we have to go out of town for a few days for my job and we would like to put him up at your place. We have some great recommendations for your place."

She responded... "That's great! I am going to need you and the puppy to come in for an interview." My brain went dead. What? An interview... whatever lady. She continued, "We need to get a feeling for his temprament and his ability to play with others. We also need to review his shot records."

Phew... that's all they want? I am glad to hear that. I just have to remember to go in with my best behavior. No sarcasm... as I was able to contain at the pet adoption center when we picked Tucker up.

The Day After the Audition

Tucker and I walked into the resort and he immediately showed how much of a puppy he was. He ran around like the spaz that we know and love and licked anyone that was low enough to get licked. Cute little fella.

The owner came out and took us into a separate room to begin the interview. It basically consisted of a 30 minute conversation where he told us about the place, the people and policies. He told me a long list of reasons as to why he wouldn't take Tucker in. An example included breed of dog like Pit Bulls. He then met Tucker persoanlly and got a feel for his disposition.

After 30 minutes, he announced... "Ok... we will be happy to board Tucker for you!"

I was happy.. and so was the well behaved Tucker. He celebrated by taking the rug in the center of the floor in his mouth and swinging it around like crazy.

It was not the best behavior... but it was funny.

Thanks Tucker... and we will be sad when we say bye to you later today. :-(

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Word Wars

Muh wife and I sat down to watch a unique documentary yesterday. It was called Word Wars and it followed four of the world's top Scrabble players for nine months as they prepare for the national Scrabble championship.

You may already be shaking your head wondering how can that be did we...

We read a few reviews and with the experience of Spellbound! under our belts, we thought it might be a fun movie to watch. Who doesn't love to watch people with so much drive and intensity?

And... they were nerds.

As the beginning credits rolled, I asked muh wife... "Do you consider yourself a nerd?" She replied with "Yes..." I said... "Good... I can now refer to muh wife as a self professed nerd."

We laughed... and thought it was funny -- me more so than her.

As the movie progressed, our opinions of the nerds in the movie began to change. Instead of being endearing and someone to root for, I began to dislike three of them... a lot.

The movie is a fascinating look into the world of three extremely different and driven men. The fourth guy is a former national champion who is completely boring yet they left him in the movie. The first three men include an inner city and self destructive fella, a man who suffers from gastrointestinal problems so he literally sits there with bottles of Maalox flanking him, and a souped up oddball who is always pouring down Starbucks or eating sugar while working out.

I got most annoyed at them as I saw more and more of who they were. They were loners who have a common interest. They compete in tournaments for cash and have the drive to be the best. When they lose, they always have excuses and when they win, they don't think they do well enough.

One of the most poignant scenes is when a group of the Scrabble freaks take a finished game out into the lobby of the hotel the tournament is in and analyze what players could have done differently for a possible outcome. They are laughing and screaming at each other offering different ideas. What makes the scene so powerful is that they have no regard for anything else going on around them. A beautiful bride is pretty close to them and is preparing for an entrance of some kind and can't focus because of these guys. Their attention to the game (their life) is so apparent that those around them suffer.

Their intensity and drive evaporated for me. I began to view them as jerks. Simply put... jerks. They were unable to converse with anyone without speaking to them as though they were idiots. They acted like children and stormed out of rooms in defeat.

Just unpleasant jerks...

Well... the end of the movie finally came and we smiled... thankful that it wasn't us on the screen. We also recognized that it was a great movie and we recommend it to anyone who wants to see it. It told an interesting story of personalities.

But... it is best summed up by a comment muh wife made pretty much right after the movie was over...

"Ummm... I don't think I can call myself a nerd anymore..."

Bless Me

I just read on that Shakira is back!

There is a GOD and he loves me.

Tuesday, April 26, 2005


Top Five Things Muh Wife Didn't Expect to Come Out of Muh Mouth This Weekend that If Taken Out of Context Should Really Make Her Worry... A Lot
1. That Green Lantern has a perfectly shaped ass.
2. That's funny... when I wore panty hose ...
3. No really... his ass was drawn perfectly.
4. Tucker's balls are on the floor. (TENNIS!!!)
5. My ass hurts a lot... I don't even want to stand up it hurts so much.

Top Five Reasons Why Neil Diamond is King
1. Sequins... and LOTS OF THEM.
2. Generations of people all bond over his music especially with Bum Bum Bum!!! (Sweet Caroline)
3. He brought muh wife and I together.
4. He is touring again this summer and I MUST go.
5. Sequins... there are so many... that it takes up TWO slots.

Top Five People That Bush SHOULD Have Considered for the UN Post That Would Have Caused Far LESS Controversy Than This Chump...
1. Neil Diamond... duh.
2. Oprah Winfrey
3. Jerry Springer
4. Martha Stewart
5. Maury Povich

Top Five Things That Made Me Shake My Head While Watching Seven Episodes of Challenge of the Superfriends...(How Did I Accept These Things as True... Even as a 10 Year Old?)
1. Sinestro created a dinosaur.... on the Floor of the House of Representatives... AND... it did NOT crush anything...
2. Grog as a villian. All he was was a giant talking ape. oooooohhh... scary... It isn't like someone's freeze breath couldn't stop him.
3. Whenever Wonder Woman went into space... she wore a helmet... I assume for air... but she still wore the same top with her boobies almost falling out... someone explain to me how that is possible.
4. In one episode... three super friends were helping fix a satellite on the other side of the moon. Brainiac then made the Earth look like it disappeared and sent a message to the three saying that it was sent light years away. How the hell does a PLANET travel light years away in less then 20 minutes? argh...
5. In every episode, the bad guys always get away and the Super Friends let them escape... and then almost always say something as insipid as... "We will be here again... to foil your next sinister plan." Everything with the Legion of Doom is sinister... Thanks Captain Obvious.

Top Five Reasons Why Subtitled Movies Can be Good
1. You can watch them in twice the speed. No need for sound if all you are doing is reading anyway.
2. They can be Chinese and star Stephen Chow... quality stuff.
3. They could be Japanese and a horror movie.
4. You can make others feel dumb and out of if for watching a movie that they don't know about.
5. Because I said so....

Monday, April 25, 2005

I am TRULY Disgusting

I just burped violently...

With my hand over my mouth... but apparently... it was not pressed all the way

I discovered this as the air from the burp went in my eye... AND it smelled bad...

It caused my head to snap back even more violently then the burp as I was attacked from all sides.

I think I can sue myself for assault...

I offended my self.

Moratorium Monday - Moratorium Monday

Moratorium Monday was a fun experiment in my own head. I am sorry that I dragged down you loyal readers into the mess that was my mind.

I thought that it might be fun to write about things that annoy me. I know... I know... I have written in the past that just writing about the things that annoy me is weak and a crutch. The better writers are story tellers like Matt (See his blog to the right) or those that offer more insight into their own world and make even the mundane interesting and esoterical like Minna (See her blog to the right.)

Moratorium Monday was a pothole in the Thoughts of the Smelmooo and for that reason, I place it on its death bed.

Sleep well and long Moratorium Monday... You need the nap.

Tucker Poll

I want to give Tucker some beer to see what he thinks, but muh wife is against the idea.

Anyone have an opinion?


Sunday, April 24, 2005


I am so totally slacking today...

I am sick.

No more for tonight.

Saturday, April 23, 2005

Heaven's To Betsy -- Survivor Game Continues

Welcome Back MB from your honeymoon... it looks like both of us have lost a player in your absence.

I thought this week's episode was pretty kick ass and I really enjoyed watching Janu quit the game. She was whiny and annoying but at least she allowed us all to see Uber Survivor Stephenie stay in the game... Gosh bless New Jersey folks!

The current score is now 4-3 with me losing!

Please people... root me on... I need to win my 7th in a row!!!! (As a reminder, the number in parenthesis is the spot that the player was picked in the draft.)

Pork Chop Express (Me)
Tom (1)
Ian (5)
Jennifer (16)
Wanda (20) -- Booted Week One
Jolanda (13) -- Booted Week One
Ashlee (17) -- Booted Week Two
Willard (9) -- Booted Week Five
Angie (12) -- Booted Week Five
James (4) -- Booted Week Six
Coby (8) -- Booted Week Nine

ASHHHfault (MB)
Katie (2)
Caryn (3)
Gregg (6)
Stephenie (7)
Jon (18) -- Booted Week One
Jeff (15) -- Booted Week Three
Kim (11) -- Booted Week Four
Ibrehem (10) -- Booted Week Seven
Bobby Jon (19) -- Booted Week Eight
Janu (14) -- Booted Week Ten

Friday, April 22, 2005


As most of you know, muh wife and I got a cute little puppy recently and I can spend hours watching him play and be goofy as he is still a cute little puppy.

Here a few of the things that I observe that just make me laugh out loud. Perhaps you have seen them in your own pets.

1. Young puppies get so excited to see anyone. When I introduced Tucker to the 3 year old Basset Hound that lives next door, the two of them rolled around on the asphalt driveway for about 10 minutes with pee shooting everywhere. They were just so excited to see each other. It made me laugh because I was trying to remember if there was ever a time that I was so excited about something that I shot pee everywhere. Nope... I can't think of a time.

2. When we give Tucker a piece of rawhide, he just goes to town on it. He still has his baby teeth and is teething we assume as he likes to chew on whatever he can. He has a plethora of items to chew on, but the chicken dipped rawhide seems to be his favorite. It doesn't matter that it is covered in lint from the rug or has lived its entire life on the kitchen floor. That is simply one of his favorite things of all time.

3. He shows no fear. He walks right up to a dog that has the name "KILLER" and licks its face. We have also determined that he is going to be the world's worst guard dog. I encourage you to break into our house. He MIGHT bark but that bark will be followed up by 50 or so kisses to your face.

4. He likes the ladies. He has an amazing ability to show the ladies just how much he likes them by licking thier faces and jumping up on them while he lets the men pet him and hug him. But... god forbid that he jumps up on them. I am guessing that women just somehow smell differently.

5. He follows muh wife wherever she goes. It is neat. I could spend the entire day with him. Wlak him everywhere... supply him with all the food in the world but as long as the two of them are both up and walking around... he follows her. He can't quite make it up the stairs yet... but when she goes upstairs... he is right there... watching the stairs until she comes down. It is very cute and makes me smile.

6. His fear of cars seems to be abating. When he first came, he wouldn't go near a driveway or into the street. He would simply stay on the sidewalk or grass. He seems to be getting over that now as he went and sat in the middle of the street yesterday. (we have him well leashed and watched but it is good to see him making the change.)

7. He is just plain long and seems to slink across the grass and backyard. Much like a ferret...

That's it for now...

Thursday, April 21, 2005

A Joke From the Smelmooo's Brother.

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled
himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "arthritis.


I was going to write a big long blog today to get rid of some frustrations I have been having, but I can't when I see this... my favorite brand of shoes and my favorite beer... have COMBINED!!!!

CLick here...

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Cult Movies That Are Stupid or Possibly Good

Ok... the beautiful thing about Netflix is that I am getting caught up on a lot of movies that I somehow missed growing up. I have seen more movies than anyone I know, but a lot of the oldies and "goodies" have somehow slipped through the cracks.

This column will piss some of you off.

I had never seen ANY of the Pink Panther movies when I was younger. I was much more into the James Bond flicks as it is the greatest franchise of all time. I have watched ALL of the Pink Panther movies over the past few months and I have to admit that they are hilarious movies. I will even go on record as saying that the first two Pink Panthers (The Pink Panther and A Shot in the Dark) are nowhere near as funny as Return of the Pink Panther, The Pink Panther Strikes Again, and Revenge of the Pink Panther. These are some very funny movies.

I also decided to watch Smokey and the Bandit I and II. Hilarious. Anything with Jackie Gleason as a fat racist hick sheriff has got to be funny. Cannonball Run wasn't as funny but it was still a good movie and I enjoyed all three of these movies for what they were. I also was glad that I picked up Young Frankenstein. I was laughing out loud to that movie as well.

Now... here are the ones that just suck.

The Blues Brothers -- How the hell did this become such a beloved cult favorite? this 2.5 hour movie was a waste of my time. John Belushi may have been funny in other movies but he was a complete and total wanker in this. All they really did was try to make funny one liners and then dance like idiots behind famous people singing. It might have been more interesting if they at least learned a few new moves behind each of the singers. Dammit... I will never get those minutes back again.

Caddyshack -- Yeup... what is so funny about this movie? Very little if you ask me. I can appreciate Bill Murray in this movie, but everything else gave me a headache -- especially Ted Knight. I say this with one very important thought to keep in mind. I hear my friends quoting this movie all the time and I laugh with them whenever they say something funny that comes from this movie. Having never seen it, I didn't really understand the conext but I liked the lines my friends were using. Now... after having seen how these lines just weren't really that funny in the context of this movie, I want to never laugh at them again. It reminds me of Dana Carvey's impression of George Bush. People were laughing more at Dana's character that he had created and not the President... when I say... "not gonna do it," I am actually enjoying Dana Carvey's impression and not the originator of the goofy smile and speech pattern. Caddyshack is similar.

I will find other cult movies soon to bash... and ones to love... I currently have Stir Crazy on the queue...

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

In honor of the new German Pope...

... I will now put on the Fiddler of the Roof Original Broadway Cast Soundtrack.

"Miracle of Miracles" !!!

How do you make the Smelmooo and his wife happy?

Announce that this guy is going on tour this summer with a date in Philly AND at MSG!

Click here.

Top Five Tuesday......

Top Five People In The World To Share Ice Cream With
1. Muh wife after a long walk...
2. Muh wife ... just... because...
3. Muh wife after dinner...
4. Muh wife... during a silly movie...
5. Muh wife... every day.

Top Five Things That We Sold At Our Garage Sale -- Odd Things and Not Necessarily Ours
1. A donut maker - right... something specifically to make a donut.
2. A entire set of chairs and table for the kitchen. This wasn't as odd as the woman who bought them. THAT was a whack job.
3. Two Hanson CDs, three Backstreet Boys CDs, 3 N'Sync CDs, and a wife that sold me out to everyone looking at them... by telling them that they were mine.
4. Egg carriers. They are useful and just look weird.
5. An exercise bike from the 50s. I couldn't GIVE that away.... we tried to sell it for $1. ONE DOLLAR!!!

Top Five Songs On a Recent Compilation CD I Got That Make Me Hum ... Thus Annoying Co-Workers
1. WIllie Nelson - On the Road Again
2. Son Volt - Tear Stained Eye
3. Golden Smog - Until You Came Along
4. Kenny Rogers - The Gambler
5. Norah Jones - Cold Cold Heart

Top Five Reasons Why I Hate Watching or Listening to the Yankees This Early in the Season
1. They simply can't live up to their billing so early.
2. I have to listen to how they blew it in the playoffs...
3. Susie Waldman is an announcer her now... Ok.. I recognize her talen folks... but I just cannot stand her.
4. It is too nice to stay in and watch them. I will watch them more when it gets too hot to be outside.
5. They normally lose... I need my teams to win! Oh wait.. I am also a Raiders and Rutgers fan... crap.

Top Five Most Awesome Historical Figures!!! (No particular reason why...)
1. Pericles
2. Abraham Lincoln
3. Franklin Delano Roosevelt
4. Noah
5. Burt Reynolds

My Top Five Favorite Stand Up Comics (not necessarily today... but at the time I loved them.)
1. Howie Mandel
2. Richard Jeni
3. Chris Rock
4. Eddie Murphy
5. Stephen Wright

The Yanks...


after last night...

I have a new idea...

Steinbrenner should issue memos after each loss...

Talk about the proverbial fire and ass.

Monday, April 18, 2005

Happy Anniversary

Four years ago... muh wife and I "met."

Happiness abounds in muh heart... even on Moratorium Monday.

Moratorium Monday - A Mixed Message

Over the weekend, muh wife and I participated in a townwide garage sale. We dutifully picked up our permit and balloons, put out our wares and waited for the masses to show up.

With our balloons waving wildly in the wind from muh whife's Green Jetta, we armed our sale with the cutest puppy in the world and hoped that with the addition of a cute little animal, sales would skyrocket.

Sales were tremendous and we had a fantastic time for the 5 hours we were out there.

We also enjoyed exposing Tucker to all the people and other animals. He really enjoyed meeting people and getting his head rubbed by every cute girl..and ugly one... that walked by. He was a trooper and I really think he helped improve our sales.

But ... I have to contend with the type of people that I really dislike on those eventful mornings -- The hagglers... who demand.

Now... I don't mind haggling. I expect it and I appreciate the ability to say no to people and to have them come at me with a counter offer. It is part of the process...

I am not a fan of the folks that take haggling a step further. They don't even ask. They TELL you what price you will be accepting and it is generally absurdly low.

An example was when I had someone who was perusing the CDs. They were listed at $1 a piece and she picked up ten of them. She came over to the checkout counter and said in response to my inquiry of how many CDs she had, "Ten CDs and I am going to pay you $5."

My response was, "No you aren't. It is $1 per CD so you owe me $10."

She responded with, "But my offer is $5."

I said, "That didn't sound like an offer to me and you can have TEN CDs for $10. That's the price. No haggling."

She bought them.

It was the attitude that got me. Haggling is expected. Being a bossy a$$hole is not.

I wished mean things on her for the rest of the day.

however... another person looked to buy ten CDs. His response to my inquiry of how many CDs he had was much nicer - "10. Any possible way you can knock off a buck or two?"

My response? "Sure..."

Just a little bit of kindness is all I ask.

Sunday, April 17, 2005

Absolutely Gorgeous Day

What the hell are you doing reading my blog when it is so gosh darn gorgeous outside?!?!!!

Saturday, April 16, 2005

Survivor Game

OH MY GOD! How does this happen to me? I am the one who normally kicks some major tush in this game and I am losing in a dramatic fashion to my arch nemesis. Thank goodness he is away on his 2 week honeymoon because he would be rubbing this in to me if he was here.

Seven weeks into the game...and my chances for victory were just reduced further when whiny Coby was booted from the game. personally, he got himself booted because he was so annoying and decided not to cooperate with his new "friends." You just can't win this game unless you play nicey-nicey with them.

Other items of note... I still like Tom the best and although I SHOULD be liking Ian, he is beginning to grate me. My nerves can only take so much of the little bastard.

The current score is 5-3 with me losing!

Please people... root me on... I need to win my 7th in a row!!!! (As a reminder, the number in parenthesis is the spot that the player was picked in the draft.)

Pork Chop Express (Me)
Tom (1)
Ian (5)
Jennifer (16)
Wanda (20) -- Booted Week One
Jolanda (13) -- Booted Week One
Ashlee (17) -- Booted Week Two
Willard (9) -- Booted Week Five
Angie (12) -- Booted Week Five
James (4) -- Booted Week Six
Coby (8) -- Booted Week Nine

ASHHHfault (MB)
Katie (2)
Caryn (3)
Gregg (6)
Stephenie (7)
Janu (14)
Jon (18) -- Booted Week One
Jeff (15) -- Booted Week Three
Kim (11) -- Booted Week Four
Ibrehem (10) -- Booted Week Seven
Bobby Jon (19) -- Booted Week Eight

Friday, April 15, 2005

Women = Cold Hearted = My LOGICAL Theory

I was sitting with a friend yesterday and we were discussing the weather.

In the northeast, it has been getting extremely nice during the day -- in the low 60s. At night, however, it has been getting below freezing.

Muh wife and I finally turned off the heat a week or so ago and we have fought the urge to put it back on -- especially after seeing the monthly bills.

My friend was surprised that his female friend didn't demand that the heat be turned back on in his home as well. As muh wife is, his wife gets very cold with even the slightest bit of chill in the air.

I have noticed this about lots of women in my life. It is a constant battle in our office. Even when the thermostat is set for 72, the women in the office are complaining about how cold they are. They get annoyed when the men fight with them because we are literally sweating our heads off.

The battle of the thermostat is constant and it is a battle of the sexes.

As egalitarian as I am, this IS a male versus female issue. Women simply get colder then men. It doesn't take much to send a woman screaming upstairs to grab sweat pants or a sweat shirt. It doesn't take too much of an adjustment on the thermostat at work for a woman to grab a sweater and claim she is freezing.

It doesn't take much at all... women are simply more "responsive" to colder weather then men.

Now... it is my theory/contention that women are this way for a very good reason. THEY ARE COLD HEARTED.

The reason that people get cold is that blood doesn't flow properly to the various parts of their body. Why do fingers and toes get cold first? In the path of blood, they are the farthest away from the heart. Blood doesn't reach them and the body then reacts.

If we follow this VERY basic line of reasoning, you can make the argument that the heart of a woman isn't as strong as a man's because they are always cold and is unable to pump blood that far. A man doesn't get as cold as quickly because his heart is stronger. His blood flow is good because of a tremendously stronger heart.

Women, on the other hand, are weak hearted and are incapable of warmth.

THEREFORE, women are cold hearted people and men are truly the people that we should be trusting with loving and taking care of our children. Women are just too cold hearted...

God... I love taking things to their logical extremes.

Thursday, April 14, 2005

Shrimp -- A Sign of White Trash

One of my most popular theories is about shrimp.

Yeup...those curly little buggers from the sea that you stick into cocktail sauce and suck down in mass quanities when out at a party.

Shrimp tastes good and it is good for you too, but I have a theory about shrimp that trancends all other theories and leaves them in the dust.

Shrimp is a status symbol in our society and it is primarily enjoyed by those without much income.

I began to notice this when I began going out with friends as an adult. I knew which of my friends growing up came from affluent homes and which ones came from homes that were getting by. It isn't a secret generally.

I had a particular friend that enjoyed getting shrimp cocktail whenever we went out. He told me once that he ordered it because "he could" which means that since he was making some money on his own, he could afford to treat himself to something that he must have viewed as a delicacy growing up. As a self proclaimed white trash makes good fella, he helped me see the light.

Shrimp was a common appetizer for the rich and elite in the old days and the poor and not so elite used to dream of eating shrimp. I have been to dinners where the shrimp served as an appetizer at a party was treated with more regard then the meals themselves. These were at homes that were of modest income and I appreciated their high regard for the slimy little fellas.

How did shrimp reach this level? I can't quite figure it out, but watch ... when you go out with your friends. Especially when you don't know anything about them. See who orders the shrimp or at a party, watch how certain people hover around the shrimp.

I guarantee you that those are the folks that come from modest backgrounds... I guarantee it.

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

How To Sell on Ebay...Getting Technology Right?

So... as many of you know... I teach a class entitled How to Sell Your Junk on eBay and Make a Profit Doing So!

I have taught three two hour sessions so far and something has gone wrong with each of the three sessions. Interestingly enough... it always involves technology...

Lesson 1 -- I was put into a classroom where each of the students would get their own computer and we would have then all follow along as we all write a listing together.

Technology Problem During Lesson 1 -- Not all of the computers worked. I had all these whiny people bitching and moaning because their computers didn't work. My solution was to have everyone huddle around a one computer and they watched it being done.

Lesson 2 -- To rectify the mass computer breakdown from happening, I asked for a room with a computer and a Power Point projector.

Technology Problem During Lesson 2 -- The projector was not functioning. It required the manager of the program to call the school's audio-visual manager at home. He walked me through the process that is special to this school and class started 20 minutes late.

Lesson 3 -- To avoid another projector problem, I was sure to bring my own.

Technology Problem During Lesson 3 -- Sure enough, the school's didn't work so I quickly set up my projector and was ready to go... except... the administrator didn't have the password for the computer. She made a few calls and promised to me in front of the group that she would find the password. 2 hours later, she never showed up. I taught the entire class without being able to even show the class what eBay looks like.

To get even with the last mistake, I asked the class to fill out their evaluation forms and "mention" that they would have liked to have had a computer screen to look at. Visual aids would have been nice. At least she left me a nice message this morning (two days later) apologizing for the debacle...

Lesson 4 is in less than two weeks. Let's see if I can get it to work this time... Actually... none of the problems have been because of me... I hope the next one can go off without a hitch....these sure didn't.

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Top Five Tuesday - The No Theme Edition

Top Five Lamest Topics for Top Five Tuesday
1. Top Five People You Meet in Heaven
2. Top Five Reasons Why the Mets are great!
3. Top Five Reasons Why the Red Sox Ceremony Was Incredible.
4. Top Four Things I Want To Do Today. (Only four! Come on!)
5. Top Five Fast Food Restaurants in Philly

Top Five Reasons Why Britney Spears is Gaining All that Weight
1. She is pregnant.
2. She found all the weight that Anna Nicole Smith lost.
3. To Make all the ladies in the house.... jealous... that she can still get all this coverage and look so gross.
4. She is mourning the divorce of Jen and Brad
5. Free muffins.

Top Five Reasons We Don't Care that the President Has an iPod
1. Because he listens to Rush Limbaugh anyway...
2. His music is lamer than the top five lists I have up top.
3. I would rather hear that he is listening to his advisors about POLICY then hear that he is listening to smooth jazz.
4. I lost interest in this one...
5. yawn..........................

Top Five Things I Would Rather Be Kicked in the Groin Than Do
1. Watch Gilmore Girls.
2. Listen to the President speak about how he is in touch with God again.
3. Pay attention to the needs of those that want my attention and affirmation on a regular basis. Get a puppy.
4. Listen to a particular person bitch and moan about how they and their son is always sick with a cold. Blech.
5. Read People magazine.

Top Five Things I Forgot About How Great Dogs Are
1. No matter how much you punish them, they will still come back for more love.
2. They really are totally reliant on you.
3. When they are on a walk, chicks flock to it...and you... ;-)
4. Dogs that play tug of war are great dogs... they will never win but they will always fight!
5. When a dog gets really excited... sometimes.. it just pees everywhere.

Top Five Things I Would Rather Be Doing on This Beautiful Day
1. Running with the puppy.
2. Reading a book.
3. Learning an instrument.
4. Laughing at a funny movie.
5. Retiring to the den.

Monday, April 11, 2005

Moratorium Monday

Moratorium Monday was a much better column last week and I figured that I would at least give it one more shot.

This week, I need to delve into a possibly touchy subject as I will be bringing muh wife into the mix.

I need the use of Blackberries or other texting devices to STOP BEING USED in a situation when all you can hear is the stupid machines.

I give you this anecdote. I was recently at a seminar and my table mate pulled out his Blackberry and started typing like a mad man on it....driving me insane with the incessant click clcik click click click click click clcik click click click click click clcik click click click click click clcik click click click click click clcik click click click clickclick clcik click click click click click clcik click click click click click clcik click click click click click clcik click click click click

I wanted to grab the little machine and throw it out the window. (at the time, I must admit that I was bored senseless and I wished I had had a Blackberry of my own instead of the crappy three cent pen offered to me by the hotel to play with.)

I was also in at a movie and I heard a person a few seats away text messaging or using their Blackberry during the movie... that's right... the big dramatic ending to Million Dollar Baby was unfolding and all I hear is... click clcik click click click click click clcik click click click click click clcik click click click click click clcik click click click click click clcik click click click click click clcik click click click click click clcik click click click click click clcik click click click clickclick clcik click click click click click clcik click click click click click clcik click click click click

Her mother almost had to make the same decision that Clint had to at the end.

Now...don't get me wrong people... I completely support the idea of these technological creations but I IMPLORE OF YOU... please please please... I beg of you.. to consider those around you and stop click clcik click click click click click clcik click click click click click clcik click click click click'ing all over the place.

I need it to stop... my irritation levels can only take so much.

Sunday, April 10, 2005

I want to blog... but...

I am too tired and pooped from an absolutely gorgeous wedding...

Good luck again to the happy couple... Charles and Camilla...

Oops... I mean Marc and Stacy.

Saturday, April 09, 2005

Wedding Day

Today's blog will be short and sweet as my wife and I head to New York City to spend the evening at Marc and Stacy's wedding.

I wish them the happiest and funnest life possible.

I am just glad that I am going to be in the wedding... gotta keep his friend Mark in check.

Friday, April 08, 2005

Survivor Game


How could I not have kept you all up to date on the Survivor game that I play with my friend MB?

I am totally sorry!!!!

Six weeks into the game... this is how the game stands. As a reminder, the number in parenthesis is the spot that the player was picked in the draft.

The current score is 5-4 with me losing so far... dang...but I am feeling pretty confident in the long run!

Please people... root me on... I need to win my 7th in a row!!!!

Pork Chop Express (Me)
Tom (1)
Ian (5)
Coby (8)
Jennifer (16)
Wanda (20) -- Booted Week One
Jolanda (13) -- Booted Week One
Ashlee (17) -- Booted Week Two
Willard (9) -- Booted Week Five
Angie (12) -- Booted Week Five
James (4) -- Booted Week Six

ASHHHfault (MB)
Katie (2)
Caryn (3)
Gregg (6)
Stephenie (7)
Janu (14)
Jon (18) -- Booted Week One
Jeff (15) -- Booted Week Three
Kim (11) -- Booted Week Four
Ibrehem (10) -- Booted Week Seven
Bobby Jon (19) -- Booted Week Eight

Thursday, April 07, 2005

How Many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Wanna ride bikes?

How Easy Is It To Ruin Someone's Day?!?!?!?!

So... how easy is it to just plain ruin a person's day?

Apparently... it is pretty simple.

I was at the gym this morning working out on a leg press. I was listening to my walkman and I was doing most of the "lifts" with my eyes closed. This ensures that I am totally set off from the rest of the working out public and in my own little world.

(There are many that will argue that I am in my own little world quite a bit, but this is a whole new level of peace and concentration that I enjoy on many mornings. It clears my head and I can focus on the day at hand.)

With Marvelous 3 serenading my eardrums and spirit, the back of my head was suddenly attacked by a gust of freezing air. Not a small gust, but a very strong gust. My body physically reacted and I turned to see that a woman had turned on the air conditioner. The vents were aimed directly at the back of my head.

By the time I had figured out what had happened, the woman had left the area and was speaking to the gentleman that had apparently asked her to do it for him. I was taken aback and felt violated for two reasons:

1. I don't mind bending a few silly rules, but it clearly states on every single air conditioner in the room to ask an attendant. I think it is for this very reason that it states it. That machine blows directly onto TWO machines.

2. What followed next.

I stood up and turned the air conditioner off after informing the guy that it was blowing right on me and it was uncomfortable. He gave me an attitude and told me how hot it was in the place. I told him that it was not desirable to me to have it blowing on the back of my head while I was working out and that I would turn it back on when I was done with the machines. He seemed placated.

After I finished the machines, I decided not to turn it back on as I read the rules more in depth. He was not pleased to hear my lack of desire to turn it back on and spoke disparragingly of me. I informed him that if he really wanted it turned on, I would suggest that he hit the PAUSE button on his Life Cycle machine and do it himself.

He didn't like it.

What the heck people? Have some courtesy for others. This really irked me today... and I am not in a good mood as a result of something so small yet so crappy.

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

Now I know... it feels to be a Mets fan.

Wrestlemania 2005

One of my secret guilty pleasures is watchign wrestling. Although the overall quality of the program has been on a steady decline in recent years, I still faithfully watch the shows for those moments that make me go... HOLY SMOLY!!!

Each year in late March or early April, the World Wrestling Entertainment group puts on its annual showcase and monster show called Wrestlemania. This year was the 21st annual installment of the production and what a production it was!

I travelled over an hour to watch the show with my good buddy Chris and his good buddies. We had a blast watching the top guys showcasing their talents and risking life and limb to create those HOLY SMOLY moments.

The show included some memorable highlights.

1. Hulk Hogan came out to the hugest pop I have ever heard. It was in response to a character that was beating the heck out of another popular character. Hulk saved the day and all of us in the room jumped up and were cheering him on. It was a great moment and even though I know the whole thing is staged, I still marked out and got caught up in the moment!

2. Two of the most boring characters on the planet became heavyweight champions of their respective brands. They are .. on paper... supposed to be interesting, but how can I really care what happens to a humungous character that speaks 10 words a week or a white guy who raps horribly and follows a simple guideline of Ruck Fules. Uh... great...

3. One of the guys (He will remain nameless to protect his integrity.) had a very gay moment. We were watching Hulk come out and he is kicking some butt when the guy on the couch yells, "Rip your shirt off!" For those of you not in the know... Hulk used to tear his shirt off when he was powering up or just showing off before a match. It was a great moment... but the nameless guy still heard his gay comment all night long.

4. Pizza rocks... How could I eat so much of that and NOT wake up with a sore tummy?

5. Four Hour Show and most of it rocked.

Highlight -- Hulk Hogan coming out and the six man ladder match.
Lowlight -- Cena's entire match and the woman's title match. Boring.

I will go put on my geek hat now... :)

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Top Five Tuesday

Top Five Reasons Why Our Recent Trip to a Lawyer Kicked Ass
1. We have living wills... no lengthy court battles for us... yank that cord.
2. I have a real will... Yeup.. it says Last Will and Testament on it.
3. We got out of work early.
4. Tucker is now covered at least...
5. It was nice walking the streets of our town on a warm day in the daylight.

Top Five Coolest Chew Toys for Tucker
1. A sock... cheapest toy...and the one he seems to like the best... a stinking sock.
2. A squeaky football... now.. I just need one that says... RAIDERS on it.
3. A solid basketball that rolls all over the place.
4. A tennis ball that he is finally putting in his mouth.
5. My arm....

Top Five Serious Reasons I Watched Survivor Last Week
1.To see Koror’s reaction when JP says "you can't sit out the same people in consecutive challenges"
2.To see if Janu lives long enough to be voted out.
3.To see if they have a merge with only one team
4.To see what happens when the last two Ulongs go to TC in Episode 8
5.To see if Koror has to choose another tribe name in Episode 9.

Top Five People or Things That Were Reported As Sick or Dead This Week More Than Any Other Stories on CNN
1. Terri Schiavo
2. The Pope
3. Prince Rainier
4. Johnnie Cochran
5. Jessie Jackson's self respect

Top Five Dirty T-Shirts from (Much to muh wife's chagrin..)
1. "boobies make me smile!"
2. "sweet morning wood"
3. "Death to trucker hats"
4. "Married...but looking!"
5. "My Dad's in prison. 05-435460"

Top Five Where Are They Now Television Casts -- The list that questions... what the hell happened to an entire cast?
1. Webster
2. What's Happening?
3. Charles in Charge
4. Small Wonder
5. Good Times (sans Janet... we know more about her breast then anything else...)

Small Wonders in North Carolina and St. Louis


As much as this is going to pain the brother of the Smelmooo for blindingly following DUKE, I am quite pleased that North carolina pulled out a victory last night.

I made a bet on them in Vegas and was my first bet of any kind there and it was fun.

I also was surprised to learn today that their victory snuck me into second in a money pool. 20% of the pot is nothing to sneeze at (I tied for second with this other guy but the tie breaker worked out in my favor!)

Monday, April 04, 2005

Moratorium Monday

As an avid viewer of quality television, I feel there is a need to put an end to the show ER.

This is in the same thought process as the website Jump The Shark.

I continue to watch the show every single week and and every single week, I am disappointed at the half ass story telling and characters without any depth.

Although this year, they are making a better attempt to show the more human side of these robots, I still don't feel any pity for any of them when things happen to them.

For examples:

1. Pratt is almost killed and his friend dies in a car accident in the beginning of the season. Did he change one bit? right... .no.

2. Kovach continues to try to find love with messed up women.

3. Carter has lost all my respect when he let the hottie from Twin Peaks go... I will comfort you Madchen Amick... oh yes... I will.

4. Neela is perhaps the most boring character ever. What does she do but talk in monotone and have entire episodes dedicated just to her.

5. Sherry STringfield's charater hasn't developed a bit in the past three years. We used to hate her... now.. she is so can't hate OR love her. That isn't good.

6. Abbey is my favorite character and maura Tierney is in my top five crush list but her charater is so one dimensional that maybe I can't justify watching her character anymore.

7. Why did they have to kill off the most dynamic cast member last year.... and drop a helicopter on him to boot?

However, I will give ER credit where it is due. Its production value is top notch and you can tell that no expense is spared with the show. It is a well made show that has a fantastic exterior but when you crack it open, it is empty and hollow.

I am asking that NBC put ER out of its misery soon. They can work to developing new shows like The Office that are bold and daring...and let shows that are just placeholders like ER go up to surgery or the morgue.

Let's Go Yankees... Let's go!

Beat up those pesky Red Sox.

Also... today... is the first day for Pedro... GO PEDRO...

I can't believe I am excited for the Mets!

Sunday, April 03, 2005

Could the YMCA be wrong?

I was at the Y this morning and it boldly let me know that April is National Sleep Awareness Month.

I read some of the important information and I felt educated when I left.

I came online to search for information to share with you lovely readers as I try to do every month, but I was dismayed to learn that in fact...

March is Sleep Awareness Month

I am distraught... I am not sure what to do...

I think I will go take a Pepcid AC... I don't need it.. I just like saying Pepcid...

Saturday, April 02, 2005

Issue Oriented Saturday

Saturday is a great day for:

Lounging around...
Mowing the lawn...
Walking the dog...
Replacing the hedges...

Filling out important petitions...

Like this one...

Click here...

This petition calls for one of the greatest television shows of all time to be placed on DVD and I must say that I was proud to be the 51st person to sign it.

We all loved Small Wonder.

4 great seasons of Edie McClurg as the next door neighbor

4 great seasons of situational irony as the family tried to keep the robot's status a secret.

4 great seasons of the producers trying to hide the fact that the robot was going through puberty and now staying the same (they should have had Emmanuel Lewis as the robot.)

I implore you to sign up! It will benefit all citizens across the world. Heck... it will probably cause countries to raise arms for the freedom to rent crappy DVDs like this!!!

Friday, April 01, 2005

One EPisode Down

Greatest American Hero is great..

I mean that... I really do.

Great New Shows... On DVD

One of the plusses of being a Netflix member is that you get to catch some great television shows that you missed the first time OR remember from the long ago past.

I have been able to enjoy watching Arrested Development. The show is great and I missed it when it first came out. Now, I can get caught up and watch the first season while the second one airs. This is also relevant for Dead Like Me -- another fantastic quirky little show that no one saw... because it was on Showtime. I can't wait for season 2 to come out on DVD.

When Dukes of Hazzard came out on DVD, I immediately put that on my Netflix queue and I loved watching all those first season episodes at once. It was a great time and I loved catching up on the escapades of Bo, Luke, Daisy and Uncle Jessie. Boss Hogg was truly disgusting.

I am awaiting the arrival of the Greatest American Hero on DVD. I remember loving that show as a kid and I am hoping that I will enjoy the first three episodes when they arrive at my doorstep shortly. William Kaat was a genius... I don't care what anyone says... a true genius.

While clicking around, I found other television shows that I am seriously considering renting as well. They include:

1. Superfriends ("Meanwhile, at the Hall of Justice....")
2. The A-Team ("I pity the fool." and "I love it when a plan comes together.")
3. Different Strokes ("What you talking about Willis?" and the Cartoon Mouse episode with the Maytag repair man.)
4. Mork and Mindy (Nanu Nanu)
5. Three's Company (Everything that Jack says...)
6. Buck Rogers and the 25th Century (mmm... Erin Gray.)

Some obscure ideas for television shows for DVD that seemed good at the time and went off the air quickly that I want to see include: (Long run on and fragmented sentence)

1. Manimal
2. Night Hawk
3. Misfits of Science

Alrighty... let me make a left off Memory Lane and come back to the real world.