Monday, April 30, 2007

Breaking the Seal -- Bullshit

Dear Anyone I Hang Out With When Drinking...

I hate when anyone who uses the phrase... "I broke the seal." in reference to drinking.

It's stupid and bullshit.

Breaking the seal is defined on as "Your first piss in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night."

The urban effect is that... you will have to pee over and over again if you pee that first time.

That is such a stupid and warped sense of logic that it annoys me to no end.

You have to pee no matter what? Why not pee when you get the chance?

I am not giving away any disgusting secrets here... but I love peeing. It feels good and any chance I can get to pee when I have to... I will take it.

Breaking the seal is fine in my books, because it helps me pee...

Here's another thougth as to why it's stupid... people die from holding it in too much. You are going to kill yourself and make it so you need a catheder one day...and that will suck.

And yet... another thought... it takes your body about 45 minutes to metabolize a beer. So... it should take about 45 minutes to an hour for you to have to pee. So... as you drink more and more... it goes in at a faster rate than 45 minutes... so of COURSE you are going to have to pee more.

WHATEVER... I am a rambling mess over this because the whole breaking the seal thing is just stupid and bullshit.



Sunday, April 29, 2007

NFL Draft

1. Brian Leonard ended up at a decent team... the Rams... and will be a solid 1-2 pair with Stephen Jackson.

2. The Raiders didn't take Brady Quinn... phew.

3. The Raiders got rid of Randy Moss... thank frigging god. It opened up a lot of money... and got rid of a disruptive asshole.

4. I ... for some reason... took great pleasure in watching the "No one wants Brady Quinn show.

Saturday, April 28, 2007


Jon Corzine is the first NJ governor to be in a car accident while in office, although speculation is pretty high that Jim McGreevy was rear-ended a few times

Friday, April 27, 2007

Book 22 of 52 -- Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West by Gregory Maguire

So... my good friend Gina told me a long time ago that I shouldn't see Wicked -- the musical -- until I read the book.

It took me a couple years, but I have finally read the book.

The concept of the book is fabulous. Simply fabulous. It focuses on the life of the Wicked Witch of the West from the Wizard of Oz story. She was a crazy green lady and the book shows that she was crazy ass in her developing years as well.

Wicked took me two weeks to read. I had to read each line twice since it was such a complex book to read.

When the book was over, I was confused... I didn't know what was going on... and thankfully... I had read the original Wizard of Oz first... to better understand the ending.

The first Wizard of Oz was not a children's book. It was a political statement book about the Populist movement of the time.

Wicked is not a children's book. It is a political statement of the 1990's.

I think it is at least........

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Survivor Fiji -- Only a Few Weeks To Go.

Last week's Tribal Council was the best Tribal Council since the final Tribal Council of Season 1.

The looks on Edguardo's, Mookie's, and Alex's faces were so frigging priceless when they got screwed over by Dreamz that I was laughing out loud and taunting them in a way that can best be described as... "complete asshole."

Why didn't Yul Clone and Alex go into the woods and exchange the idol instead of doing that really stupid and awkward exchange at the camp site?

Alex playing the idol and not getting any votes is like using a condom and not having sex... at least the little turtle will get re-used... unlike a condom.

I saw my teams get stronger and stronger because Alex and Mookie have to be the next ones to go. Maybe throw in a Stacey here or there... but it's those four next... MWAH HA HA HA HA HA HA.

I will not count my chickens until they hatch (Survivor Amazon toaught me that anything can happen in terms of alliances...), but I am feeling pretty confident right now.

I am still leaning towards Earl winning the entire thing... with Dreamz coming in second. And... I have that strong gut feeling again that Dreamz is full of complete shit and that the whole thing is an act.

Here's an amazing fact for ya... "The finale of SURVIVOR: FIJI will mark the 200th episode of the Emmy Award- winning series. The finale will be broadcast on Sunday, May 13 (8:00-10:00 PM, ET/PT) on the CBS Television Network."



Tucker’s Nuts

Dre (1)
Earl (4)
Cassandra (5)
Yau-Man (8)
Boo (9)
Mookie (12)
Michelle (13) -- Booted Week Nine
Lisi (14) -- Booted Week Eight
Gary (15) -- Quit Week Four

Alex (2)
Stacy (10)
Edguardo (6) -- Booted Week Ten!!!!
James (7) -- Booted Week Seven!!!!
Anthony (7) -- Booted Week Six!!!!
Rita (3) -- Booted Week Five!!!!
Lilliana (18) -- Sacrificed Week Four!!!!
Erica (11) -- Booted Week Two!!!!
Jessica (14) -- Booted Week One!!!!

No Team
Sylvia (19) -- Booted Week Three!!!!

GAME 2 With a New Victim

Tucker’s Nuts
Dre (1)
Earl (4)
Cassandra (5)
Boo (8)
Yau Man (9)
Michelle (12) -- Booted Week Nine
Lisi (13) -- Booter Week Eight
Gary (16) -- Quit Week Four
Lilliana (17) -- Sacrificed Week Four

Rita is a Smoking, Hot Milf
Alex (2)
Mookie (10)
Stacy (15)
Edguardo (6) -- Booted Week Ten!!!!
James (14) -- Booted Week Seven
Anthony (7) -- Booted Week Six
Rita (18) -- Booted Week Five
Erica (11) -- Booted Week Two
Jessica (6) -- Booted Week One

No Team
Sylvia (19) -- Booted Week Three

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Funniest Movie Of All Time?

I was bored about a week and a half ago... so I asked a whole bunch of people what the funniest movie is that they have ever seen.

Here are the responses.... I am shocked and amazed by some of them and surprised by others when it came to their age and the movie they chose.... A 55 year old man should NOT be choosing Road Trip. Seriously.

Here are some of the responses that I got.... those with astericks next to them are movies that are in my top 5.

It's a small list of really absurd movies..................which I will share with you at the end.

DB -- It's a Mad Mad Mad Mmad World
LW -- Spaceballs
KD -- Rushmore
RL -- Airplane
CF -- Airplane
KD -- Dumb and Dumber
TB -- Dumb and Dumber
SC -- Best in Show
SW -- Blazing Saddles
KA -- History of the World
MQ -- Wedding Crashers
CB -- Blazing Saddles
MS -- American Pie
SH -- Tommy Boy
SG -- Pink Panther (original)
NG -- Something About Mary
JD -- Caddyshack
JG -- Ice Age
A -- The Producers (2005)
MD -- My Big Fat Greek Wedding
DS -- Airplane
TW -- Office Space
SD -- Mean girls
CB's Woman A -- Fever Pitch
MT -- Ghostbusters II (Over 1?!?!?!? Insane)

My Top 5
1. Ghostbusters
2. Fletch
3. Pee Wee's Big Adventure
4. Groundhog Day
5. Ferris Bueller's Day Off

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Good Bye Heather Mills....

I hated you from the beginning...

Get the hell back to England....

And never come back....

(That was Paul speaking...)

My turn -- GO AWAY.

Falling In Love at a Din Din Party

Muh wife and I recently wnet out to a very nice dinner party in the city.

(The restaurant was the Casablanca Tea Room -- fabulous Morroccan food! Thank you Dave and Minnams!!)

I only knew the hosts and partially knew one other person so I was ready to get thrown into an extremely boring night of trying to be play the fine line of being charming for people that muh wife works for but not going over the top like I do with many of my friends..

We arrived 10 minutes late -- freaking Holland Tunnel sucks balls... it really does -- but about 20 minutes before most people -- freaking city dwellers have no concept on how NOT to be rude and late.

When I go to these things, I go in with the least expectations possible so that I am more likely to come out happy in the end.

We had a couple drinks and sat down for dinner when I was introduced to one of my wife's co-workers who is relatively new and I have not met.

She was lovely. Simpley lovely and I had no problem talking to her for a few minutes.

She is from India and has an exotic look about her that was different than the normal blonde and brunette skinny fests that society normally pushes down our throats in movies and television.

I told my wife in the first minute or so that the new girl was pretty cool and was absoltuely lovely.

She responded with... "I knew you would think so. Everyone at work is in love with her... especially 'So and So.'"

The revelation of So and So suprised me... and then... I felt just like everyone else... making my thoughts about the new woman... silly and trite.

My wife knows me so well that she knew a quick comment like that would diffuse my immediate reaction to the new person.

She loves me most afterall...and I love her too... but new people are still fun to meet!

It only took me 30 minutes to get bored by the new chick's conversation and I moved on to someone else at the table... who was funny as well...

Lessons learned? Muh wife rocks.

Post Script -- Muh wife told me that I was a huge hit at dinner with all the new people and I wonder how many of them are writing blogs right now about how jealous they are of Tangentwoman for having such an awesome husband who is so sweet, funny, and charming.

Monday, April 23, 2007



Where Have I Slept -- Updated

I have NO idea why I thought of this a year ago... and I am not sure why I am revising it... except that I got to stay in a bunch of new places this year...

I made a list of everywhere I have ever slept before -- by towns. I know I am missing a few but I am working on updating this list.

I am also asking anyone who wants to help by reminding me if I crashed at your place and the city you were in when I slept there.

I challenge you all to make a list of your own... you will have a nice trip down memory lane!



Palm Desert
Palm Springs
San Diego
San Francisco
Santa Rosa


District of Columbia
Washington, DC

Wesley Chapel




Ocean City


Las Vegas

New Jersey
Atlantic City
Bradley Beach
East Amwell
Egg Harbor
Franklin Township
Hamilton Square
Mt. Laurel
New Brunswick
North Brunswick
Port Murray
South Brunswick
Tom's River
Whitehouse Station

New York
Clifton Park
New York City

North Carolina

West Pittston
Wilkes Barre

South Carolina

San Antonio


Stephens City


Dominican Republic
La Romana

Puerto Rico



Mediterranean Sea

Sunday, April 22, 2007

Irishman Joke

Thoughtful Irishman

An Irishman moves into a tiny village in County Kerry, walks into the Pub and promptly orders three beers.

The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.

An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three

This happens yet again.

The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the "Man Who Orders Three Beers."

Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why You always order three beers?"

"Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies, "You see, I have two brothers,
and one went to America , and the other to Australia . We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond.

The bartender and the whole town were pleased with this answer, and soon the "Man Who Orders Three Beers" became a local celebrity and source of pride to the village, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.

Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers.

The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the
rest of the evening: he orders only two beers. The word flies around town.

Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.

The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother.

You know-the two beers and all...."

The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I, myself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent.

Saturday, April 21, 2007

One Question IQ Test

Here's a one-question IQ Test to help you decide how you should spend the rest of your day......

There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Now, if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?

Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer...

He opens his mouth and says. "I would like to buy a pair of sunglasses"

If you got this wrong -- please turn off your computer and call it a day.

Friday, April 20, 2007

My Celebrity Love Match

About a year ago, I took the Celebrity Love Match Test and I was matched up with Winona Ryder... oh how I used to love her in Beetlejuice...

I decided to take the quiz again to see if she and I were meant to be together.

Go here to take it yourself!

It appears that we were NOT meant to be together but we matched up close enough... in the grand scheme of things. What bothers me though is that I am apparently a close match for Angelina Jolie... who I completely abhor.


According to our test, you would be a perfect match for Natalie Portman.
Born: June 9, 1981

Natalie Portman has been featured in: Heat, Beautiful Girls, Star Wars: Episode 1, and Where the Heart Is. Natalie is a vegetarian and can speak four languages.
Your next closest matches were:

Angelina Jolie
Mia Hamm
Wynona Ryder

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Survivor Fiji -- Chugging Along With a Few Weeks to Go

OOF! I took a blow for two weeks now in a row in both of my games. That should really teach me to open my nouth on a lot of these things. It ends up being the beginning of my proverbial downfall.

With all of that said, I have a great deal of faith that Earl is going to win this whole thing. I am not sure why... but I really do think it.

I was sitting watching Dreamz last week as he spoke and I can't get a nagging feeling out of my mind. I would not be surprised if the whole thing was an act. Seriously. I wouldn't be surprised if he was just full of shit with all of the naivette. He can't be that innocent. But... alas... he probably is.

I need a frigging subtitle every single time that Eduardo talks. Muh wife and I spend a lot of time saying. "What? What the hell did he just say?"

Someone ... please figure out a way to get rid of Mookie tonight. He is the worst Yul clone ever. He seems like a nice enough guy, but come on folks... booooorrrriiinnnngggg.....

Last week, they merged the teams and had them compete in teams of five against each other for immunity. I liked the idea of having an entire team win immunity because it completely mixes things up. I am not 100% sure about the 5 losers being the only ones to vote at tribal council, but I suppose it is approrpiate and works to prevent ties. Jury is still out in my books.

Rumor has it that there are only two more seasons left with the final one next spring being another All Stars edition.




Tucker’s Nuts

Dre (1)
Earl (4)
Cassandra (5)
Yau-Man (8)
Boo (9)
Mookie (12)
Michelle (13) -- Booted Week Nine
Lisi (14) -- Booted Week Eight
Gary (15) -- Quit Week Four

Alex (2)
Edguardo (6)
Stacy (10)
James (7) -- Booted Weed Seven!!!!
Anthony (7) -- Booted Week Six!!!!
Rita (3) -- Booted Week Five!!!!
Lilliana (18) -- Sacrificed Week Four!!!!
Erica (11) -- Booted Week Two!!!!
Jessica (14) -- Booted Week One!!!!

No Team
Sylvia (19) -- Booted Week Three!!!!

GAME 2 With a New Victim

Tucker’s Nuts
Dre (1)
Earl (4)
Cassandra (5)
Boo (8)
Yau Man (9)
Michelle (12) -- Booted Week Nine
Lisi (13) -- Booter Week Eight
Gary (16) -- Quit Week Four
Lilliana (17) -- Sacrificed Week Four

Rita is a Smoking, Hot Milf
Alex (2)
Edgardo (3)
Mookie (10)
Stacy (15)
James (14) -- Booted Week Seven
Anthony (7) -- Booted Week Six
Rita (18) -- Booted Week Five
Erica (11) -- Booted Week Two
Jessica (6) -- Booted Week One

No Team
Sylvia (19) -- Booted Week Three

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Brick Breaker -- My Wife's Problem

On our Black Berries, we have a game called BrickBreaker.

BrickBreaker involves the sliding back and forth of a bar along the bottom of the screen which you use to prevent a ball from going into an unknown abyss.

Your job is to break all the bricks at the top of the screen and "clear" the board.

Solid bricks are thrown in the way and there are other pitfalls that get in the way.

Muh wife has been playing BrickBreaker for years now and I only recently picked up BrickBreaker and started playing.

Since.. I am so much more awesome than my wife... (seriously)... I quickly broke her record. This ticked her off a bit and she began trying to top my record with a passion I have not seen since she got her Ms. PacMan game.

It has been 4 months and she cannot top my score... even with my awesomeness taking a 3 month break from playing... seriously.

Last week, I picked it up again and took my previous high score of 9000+ and upped it to 15,900.

That irked her a bit since she can barely reach 9000.

Let's all wish Tangent Woman some luck in trying to even come close to the level of awesomeness that I have attained.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Top Five Tuesday -- Randomly....

Top Five Reasons Why Subtitled Movies Can be Good
1. You can watch them in twice the speed. No need for sound if all you are doing is reading anyway.
2. They can be Chinese and star Stephen Chow... quality stuff.
3. They could star Penelope Cruz speaking the language she was meant to... not butchering English.
4. You can make others feel dumb and out of if for watching a movie that they don't know about.
5. Because I said so....

Top Five Most Awesome Historical Figures!!! (No particular reason why...)
1. Pericles
2. Abraham Lincoln
3. Franklin Delano Roosevelt
4. Noah
5. Burt Reynolds

My Top Five Favorite Stand Up Comics (not necessarily today... but at the time I loved them.)
1. Howie Mandel
2. Richard Jeni
3. Chris Rock
4. Eddie Murphy
5. Stephen Wright

Top Five Lamest Topics for Top Five Tuesday
1. Top Five People You Meet in Heaven
2. Top Five Reasons Why the Mets are great!
3. Top Five Reasons Why the Yankees Rule...
4. Top Four Things I Want To Do Today. (Only four! Come on!)
5. Top Five Fast Food Restaurants in Philly

Top Five Things I Always Forget About How Great Dogs Are
1. No matter how much you punish them, they will still come back for more love.
2. They really are totally reliant on you.
3. When they are on a walk, chicks flock to it...and you... ;-)
4. Dogs that play tug of war are great dogs... they will never win but they will always fight!
5. When a dog gets really excited... sometimes.. it just pees everywhere

Monday, April 16, 2007

Does anyone else do it?

Email me or leave a comment.

They have a new friends and family function and I want to find at least one friend.... or family...

Yes.... It's Wet...

... Now shut up and leave me alone.

The Steakbellie Fat Sandwich Challenge


I have been giving a lot of thought to this challenge that I am about to open to Steakbellie.

Steakbellie is one of the top 50 competitive eaters in the world and I am glad to call him a blog friend.

I have also been reminded about how awesome the FAT sandwiches are at the grease trucks at Rutgers University.

I have decided to put the two of them together in my brain.

Fat Steakbellie

I would order one of those... I would like to charge Steakbellie to make a field trip to the Grease Trucks and invent the Fat Steakbellie.

I then challenge you to go up to any truck and tell them that you would like the Fat Steakbellie up on the menu.

When they scoff at your tiny muscles... I want you to say... "oh yeah butt lover? Well... how about I eat five of the sandwiches in less than 10 minutes?"

See what they say... since I have faith in you, I bet you could do it and get a sandwich named after you...

Or... are you... chicken?

Sunday, April 15, 2007

Happy Tax Day....

... may your Tax Day be as fruitful as mine/ours.


Saturday, April 14, 2007

Flight Chatter

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know", said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK". she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

"Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

Friday, April 13, 2007

Stupid Radio Ads

Oh crap... I thought that they were gone... I really did.

I cannot remember or find if I have written about these stupid radio ads in the past.

I hate them more than anything.... else... on the radio... even Don Imus and his ignorant mouth.

You are probably wondering what the F I am talking about... so... let me tell you my children.

There are commercials all over the radio for television shows on various networks. They were pretty big about a year and a half ago and then they disappeared.

CBS and NBC used them a lot and primarily for comedies.

The commercials involved a group of friends "hanging out" and talking about the shows that were on television that night. It involved contrived... drivelicious... crap dialogue between friends that drove me insane.

I want to reach through the radio and punch each one of the bastards out...

NOW... THEY ARE BACK!!!! Crap... and what makes it worse is that the commercials are for Thursday night comedies... all of which I like a whole bunchadoodle.

Bastards... I sometimes hate Madison Avenue.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Three Word Movie Reviews

Battlestar Galactica (Season 1) -- Thinking Man's SciFi

Battlestar Galactica (Season 2) --Doesn't Get Better

Black Christmas -- Thoroughly Enjoyable Camp

Blades of Glory -- Sharp, Goofy Comedy

Blood Diamond -- Gem of Movie

Borat -- Most Glorious Propaganda

Bosom Buddies (Season 1) -- Good in 80s

Bullshit (Season 4) -- Still Reporting Truths

Children of Men -- Bleak, Expertly Filmed

Colour Me Kubrick -- Interesting Concept.... Implausible.

Curse of the Golden Flower -- Visually Stunning... Poignant

Death of a President -- Good Start...................Boring

Dukes of Hazzard: The Beginning -- Fun Crap Fest

Everyone's Hero -- Just Plain Stupid

Fast Food Nation -- Feast on Boring

Happy Feet -- No Make Happy

Harsh Times -- Gritty Powerful Drama

The Last Mimzy -- Interesting Kid's Flick

Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome -- Entertaining Action Flick

My Country, My Country -- Poignat Powerful Documentary

The Nativity Story -- Way Too Predictable

Pursuit of Happyness -- Weepy Good Time

The Road Warrior -- Super Violent Fun

Rocky Balboa -- Decent/Appropriate Finale

Shut Up and Sing -- Right Message... Draining...

Sleeper Cell American Terror -- Fantastic and Frightening

South Park (Season 9) -- Always Getting Funnier

Turistas -- Really Bad "Goreporn"

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

The A-Team Lives!!!


My brother and sister-in-law to be were out and about not too long ago when they looked to the left and saw the most awesome van that they could have ever seen.

It was an old black van that had a red stripe that angled from the front bottom to the rear top of the van to an awesomely situated spoiler.

Sound familiar?

Of course it does... it is the van of the A-Team.

B.A. Baracus' sweet ride...

Good news... they got a picture!

It also looks like there are bulletholes in them.


Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Book 21 of 52 -- Brad Meltzer's The Book of Fate

So... I get the impression that Brad decided to mix his normal and workable formula with historical fiction that seemed to be taking over the literary world in late 2005 and early 2006.

The Book of Fate focuses on the Free Masons and their influence throughout American history... Here is a plot description I found.

"Trying to figure out what really happened on the worst day of his life will lead Wes on a chase that takes him back to that long-ago July 4th, back to a decade-old presidential crossword puzzle, back to ancient Masonic symbols hidden in the street plan of Washington, DC, and even back to a two-hundred year old secret code invented by Thomas Jefferson. Employing his mastery of Presidential lore and powerful secrets, and expanding to the glittering world of Palm Beach high society and its seedy fringes, Meltzer has crafted his fastest and boldest thriller yet."

It involves a lot of puzzles and fun times... but hey... who wants all of that when your book is good for the beach...

It was DaVinci Code light... and sometimes... that is a very good thing.

Monday, April 09, 2007

Legally Blonde -- The Musical

I have access to a flyer that gives everyone a big 40% discount for the next month. It is good now through May 13th.

The show opened a few nights ago on Broadway.

Email or IM me if you want the flyer.


Lent -- Come and Gone... AGAIN.

Let me get a few things straight before I even think about writing this blog.

#1 -- I am NOT Catholic.
#2 -- I am not that religious. I have some basic spiritual beliefs about things and I believe in Christianity but I am not an avid church goer because of my issues with organized religion.
#3 -- Lent holds NO religious meaning to me.

Alright... now... with that said... I took part in Lent this year again. I gave up three things and I deprived myself for the 47 day period. (Yes... do the math... Lent is actually 47 days. There are a variety of reasons why... including this crap about how you can have what you gave up every Sunday during Lent... there are seven Sundays in Lent... bringing the total to 40 days... the number most people associate with Lent. I say it's all crap and if you are going to give something up...give it up dammit.)

This year... I went with three pretty darn big things. Each of these things are major parts of my life... and it is usually a big deal to give up these things.

1. Soda -- Most people drink coffee in the morning... not me.. I drink soda. It provides me with my caffeine rush for the morning and throughout the day. Within the first 3 days of giving up soda, I had a humungous headache and noticed that I dragged a bunch. It was a tough sell, but now I am cleansing out my system and I am a much more pleasant person after some time of withdrawl.

2. Chocolate -- I love chocolate. If there are flavors of anything... chocolate is where I am going to go. Ice cream? Chocolate. Cake? Chocolate. Candy? Chocolate. This has been extremely difficult and I might lose a pound or two but what the heck!

3. Alcohol -- I don't drink excessively. I think the last time that I actually got drunk was a few years ago, but with the type of work that I do and with an active social life, I have plenty to drink. A beer here... or a glass of wine there... is all good. Giving up alcohol is always so amazing to friends and family.
"Want a beer Smelmooo?"
"No thank you.... "
"Why not?"
"Lent... "
"Really? Wow... bless your heart... I didn't know you were religious..."
"I'm not... "
"Oh... ummmm...."
"Don't worry about it... there are bigger things to think about... than my not having a beer."

So... there you have it... I am a good person now... and hopefully... I will cleanse out my system a bit from some of the harsh things I was putting into it regularly...

Sunday, April 08, 2007

Happy Easter -- Enjoy Some Sinful Behavior

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman." The priest said , "What do you mean, almost?" The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box." The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!" The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven." The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times." The priest thought long and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and drink the juice." The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?" The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful." Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side.
A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute."The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now "cute." She asked, "What happened to beautiful?" The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off."
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature." Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm 92 years old. I'm telling everybody."

Saturday, April 07, 2007

The Birds and the Bees

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the "There's no Easter Bunny" speech. At seven, I got the "There's no Tooth Fairy" speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the "There's no Santa" speech. If you're going to tell me that grownups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."

Friday, April 06, 2007

The Office

Was that the single greatest cliff hanger solution of all time or what?

Happy Good Friday

I don't expect that there are many of you out there reading this today...

So I am taking the easy way out...

Give me a shout out if you are online... wooo hooo

Thursday, April 05, 2007


Survivor Fiji is back on tonight and it remains interesting this season... I know there are two more seasons after this and I remain convinced that they really need to stop making this show while it is still a respectable show...but I digress because I will keep watching it no matter what.

A quick note... Yau Man is my new hero... making a fake immunity idol and hiding it was funny and genius... I really hope that someone finds it and thinks it is real... oh god do I hope that is the case.

Ravu debated whether Lisi or Rocky would go home. One of the two is a psycho-loser and the other a loser-psycho, so pick one. The Ravu tribe wouldn’t miss either of them, but at least with Lisi they think they can trust her. So, bye, bye Boston loser. During his exit interview, he screamed like someone being smacked on the back after being in the sun too long.

With the asshole James getting booted last week, I can now watch the show with a great deal of comfort and relaxation. That guy just pissed me off more than you know.

It was also telling that they said that James was the first member of the jury... that means there are 11 people left and that means that there will probably be a nine member jury with a final three instead of a final two like they did last season...

Jeff Probst -- Totally still a silly little man with silly hats and silly arm waves.

Since I couldn't quite finish the NCAA pools this year with the ultimate prize like I did the last two years... I am happy to be winning these two cases of beer because c'mon folks...d o you think either of these two chumps really has a chance against me? That's what I thought...



Tucker’s Nuts
Dre (1)
Earl (4)
Cassandra (5)
Yau-Man (8)
Boo (9)
Mookie (12)
Michelle (13)
Lisi (14)
Gary (15) -- Quit Week Four

Alex (2)
Edguardo (6)
Stacy (10)
James (7) -- Booted Weed Seven!!!!
Anthony (7) -- Booted Week Six!!!!
Rita (3) -- Booted Week Five!!!!
Lilliana (18) -- Sacrificed Week Four!!!!
Erica (11) -- Booted Week Two!!!!
Jessica (14) -- Booted Week One!!!!

No Team
Sylvia (19) -- Booted Week Three!!!!

GAME 2 With a New Victim

Tucker’s Nuts
Dre (1)
Earl (4)
Cassandra (5)
Boo (8)
Yau Man (9)
Michelle (12)
Lisi (13)
Gary (16) -- Quit Week Four
Lilliana (17) -- Sacrificed Week Four

Rita is a Smoking, Hot Milf
Alex (2)
Edgardo (3)
Mookie (10)
Stacy (15)
James (14) -- Booted Week Seven
Anthony (7) -- Booted Week Six
Rita (18) -- Booted Week Five
Erica (11) -- Booted Week Two
Jessica (6) -- Booted Week One

No Team
Sylvia (19) -- Booted Week Three

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Rutgers Ladies Scarlet Knights... #1 In My Book

So last night... I coincidentally happened to be on the Rutgers campus for a meeting at my Alumni Association. It was a meeting planned months ago and there was no way anyone expected that the Women's basketball team was going to do this well.

I left the meeting full of hope and excitement. I got home and slapped on the loose fitting Rutgers football jersey and prepared myself to watch the game. As you can see by the picture below, Tucker was excited to watch the game himself.

One of the things that makes Rutgers ... Rutgers is the Grease Trucks. My meeting happened to be right next to the Grease Trucks so I put two and two together and I bought myself a Fat Romano sandwich to enjoy while the game was on. It was all about getting myself into the mood. And it worked...

It quickly became evident that the Rutgers Women's run was coming to an end so I focussed a lot of my positive energy into the Fat Romano. I bet you can't figure out the ingredients... so let me help you out.

1. Cheese Steak

2. Egg

3. Pork Roll

4. French Fries

5. Lettuce

6. Ketchup

7. Swolen Aorta

The ladies lost, but my mouth and stomach won. I guess two out of three aren't bad.

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Good Luck To Rutgers Women Tonight

Win or lose... you are A O K in my book.

Thanks for the fun ride.

Smelmooo & Tucker

Book 20 of 52 -- Brad Meltzer's The Zero Game

Ahhh.... only two more Brad Meltzer books to go... oh wait?... I guess I should say... only one more to go since I finished The Zero Game.

The Zero Game started off with an interesting premise where various congressional staffers were playing a game that involved making policy decisions for financial game. Stick a program in a bill here... bet on the amount of yay and nay votes there.

The book then got incredibly obvious when you could see where Meltzer was going with it.

One of the items that the hero was bidding on was put in by some very bad people. That's right... bad people...and the book took off on another 350 pages of non-stop running and chasing and discovering the truth.

I was mildly surprised when Meltzer half way through the book decided to switch protagonists by killing off one of the major heroes on the early side...

Good enough book for the plane ride back from San Antonio... and good enough for your no nonsense reading...

Monday, April 02, 2007

New Jersey Transit Hired An Assh0le

I recently went on a trip to Trenton to deal with one of the state's larger bureaucratic nightmare departments. Instead of driving, I decided that I would take the train since the offices were within walking distance of the train station and we live near one of the other stops.

Meeting over, and I got on the train home, which was pretty empty.

I stretched out, put my ticket in the seat above me and went over the written materials I had prepared for my meeting. Before the first stop, the conductor stopped to take the ticket of a black gentleman one row in front of me and across the aisle.

It took me about five seconds to figure out that the gentleman was mentally retarded -- functional. I might even say that we was autistic. The point though is not to focus on his being retarded, but what was to happen later in the trip.

The gentleman bought his ticket and was given his strip, which he held and moved around. It was obviously something that he needed to do because of his condition. Fine... he wasn't hurting or bothering anyone on the train...

Fast forward to the stop right before mine. A different conductor made his way down the aisle and approached the man. He immediately laid into the guy, asking him where his ticket was and where he was going.

The retarded man became visibly upset and was not comfortable with the newfound confrontations. The conductor continued to berate and push until everyone on the train was uncomfortable and until the retarded man was so uncomfortable that he began to raise his voice and curse.

The conductor then called security to kick the man off the train.

I can honestly say, that no one felt comfortable at all. That was also when the original conductor made his way into the car just as I and two others were on our way off. We all handed the new conductors our business cards in defense of the retarded man. We are ready to testify on his behalf against this completely beligerent assh0le.

I can only hope that the man was treated respectfully after we left and that all is good. I hope he feels comfortable to go on a NJ Transit train again.

Sunday, April 01, 2007

Happy Birfday Renee

You don't look a day over 28.



Jesus... how sweet it is....

You know what I will will be doing Tuesday night now....


Hell, Yes, We Have Electricity.

11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!

Yes, But It's A Dry Heat.

Literacy Ain't Everythang.

By 30, Our Women Have More
Plastic Than Your Honda.

If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother.

Like Massachusetts , only smaller.

We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water.

Ask Us About Our Grand kids
And Our Voting Skills.

We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism.

Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru
(Death To Mainland Scum, Leave Your Money)

More Than Just Potatoes.
Well, Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

Please, Don't Pronounce the "S"

2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

We Do Amazing Things With Corn

First Of The Rectangle States

Five Million People;
Fifteen Last Names

We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign.

We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's And Our Senators Are More Corrupt

First Line Of Defense From The Canadians

10,000 Lakes... And 10 Zillion Mosquitoes

Come visit And Feel Better About Your Own State

Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, and Honest

Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Hookers and Poker!

New Hampshire
Go Away And Leave Us Alone

New Jersey
You Want A ##$%##! Motto?
I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right here!

New Mexico
Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York
You Have The Right To Remain Silent,
You Have The Right To An Attorney
And No Right To Self Defense!

North Carolina
Tobacco Is A Vegetable

North Dakota
We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

At Least We're Not Michigan

Like The Play, But No Singing

Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner

Cook With Coal

Rhode Island
We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina
Remember The Civil War?
Well, We Didn't Actually Surrender, Yet!

South Dakota
Closer Than North Dakota

Home of the Al Gore Invention Museum

Se Hable Ingles

Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Too liberal for the Kennedys

Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Our Governor can out-fraud your Governor!

West Virginia
One Big Happy Family...Really!

Come Cut the Cheese!

Where Men are Men and the Sheep are Scared.
Home of Brokeback Mountain

The District of Columbia
The Work-Free Drug Place