Wednesday, August 31, 2005

OOOF...Anyone Got a Mint?

I went to yummy Afghan Kebab House today for lunch with muh wife who is working VERY hard from home.

I have an aftertaste...

I need a mint...

That was an interesting burp...

I think I need a mint that take care of my esophagus...


Tucker, Tucker -- Super PUP!

Alright... I haven't really written about Tucker in awhile, but recently, Tucker has proven that he is a super puppy of some sorts.

Muh wife Tangent Woman has already written about it some (Click Here) but I figured that I would follow up on it a bit.

First of all, Tucker had been absolutely fabulous with his spacedog Elizabethan collar on. Look at him in the picture accompanying the article. That thing is humungous on his little puppy head. YET, Tucker was able to get himself into lots of trouble with it on. He could run up and down flights of stairs and eat out of his regualr food bowl. He was even able to rotate in his crate at night and sleep comfortably.

Second of all, Tucker is a doctor of some sorts. I was watching him for the last couple of days as he learned how to prop his collar on his knee and still lick himself in the most naughty of areas. I was amazed at his resourcefullness. I mean, heck, he really wanted it and who was I was I to stop him. Anyway... Tucker wasn't actually licking. What he was actually doing was pulling out his own sutures. The vet flipped him over this past weekend and took a peek. He immediately followed up with... "Well, it looks like someone already took the sutures out." GOOD PUP!

Third of all, muh wife and I were filled with pride and pleasure immediately following the vet as we took the Wonder Pup to the local dog park.
It was our first trip to the park when there was more than one other dog present. At its peak, there were about 8 dogs that Tucker mostly got along with. When Tucker goes to those places, he has no interest in the toys. He simply likes playing with other dogs. This one guy was throwing a tennis ball for his dog to fetch. Tucker would run too but he would be chasing the other dog and have no interest in the ball. Interesting....

The other dog owners all oohed and aahed over Tucker. He really is a unique looking dog so much so that when someone walked into the park, they said something like "Oh my! What is that mix? I have never seen that before, but whatever it is, that is a really cute dog!"

Fourthly, Tucker is now able to signal to us that he has to go to the bathroom in a new way. Only I have seen it but when he does it, I can't help but laugh. He stands on his stumpy legs and puts his mouth on the doorknob. Good puppy... good puppy...

Fifthly, Tucker has learned to completely manipulate muh wife and I. When he does something that he gets scolded for, Tucker has learned that we can't stay mad at him when he flops over onto his back, twists his body, and sticks out his tongue. Tummy rubs ensue.

How cute and fun he is... we all love Tucker... don't we now?

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Top Five Tuesday

Top Five Reasons Why RED EYE Was a Pretty Kick Ass Movie
1. Cillian Murphy -- This guy played Scarecrow in Batman Begins... I love this guy... he rocks.
2. Rachel Mc Adams -- The camera loves her and so do I.
3. Wes Craven -- This guy has one good movie in him every five years... and he was due.
4. The fact that this was a thriller and not a horror movie. It had you on the edge of your seat.
5. It was short. Too many of these movies go too long trying to draw out a good thing. Give me something concise and tight and that is all I need. Case example: Wedding Crashers was hysterical and would have been perfect at 25 minutes shorter.

Top Five Reasons Why I Didn't Watch the MTV Video Music Awards
1. I am 31.
2. I couldn't find any pimp juice -- even in Trenton. Thanks GMD.
3. I was afraid that they would let Ashlee Simpson sing or something.
4. I was scared that my crush on Kelly Clarkson would take shape... and I would be jealous of her date. My wife doesn't need to see that.
5. I heard MC Hammer was going to make an appearance. I can only handle one time in my life focussing on 2 Legit 2 Quit.

Top Five Things I Wasted My Life On This Weekend
1. I watched another episode of the Girls Next Door... same problem as last week.
2. The ending of a book I was reading. It started off so promisingly.
3. I watched some of the Mets. Argh... they are frustrating.
4. Rome
5. Shopping... why do I do that? I just want to buy everything.

Top Five Coolest Things About Sleeping in a Tent Over Night -- Even if It Is In Your Backyard
1. Crickets -- I love the sound of crickets
2. Cooler -- The air is crisper and cooler and fresher.
3. Experience -- So I can say... hey... did you sleep in your backyard last night?
4. Change of Pace -- It was just plan different and fun.
5. Tucker -- Being awakened to Tucker sticking his nose in my face. FUN!

Top Five 2005 Movie Remakes (After a year of remakes and sequels, I need to weigh in with some sort of Top Five List.)
1. None
2. None
3. None
4. None
5. None -- Get the point people? Do something NEW... clever... unique... March of the Penguins anyone?

Top Five Entertainment News Items That I Couldn't Care Less About
1. Robert Downey, Jr. Ties The Knot
2. Ashlee Simpson to Perform on Oprah
3. Somebody Won Something At the MTV Music Awards
4. Hillary Duff has number one album.
5. Bjork's Swan Dress for Sale

Monday, August 29, 2005

Greetings....from the Pork Chop Express...

You just listen to the Pork Chop Express and take his advice on a dark and stormy night...

Uh... Holy Sh*t - Blog: The Weather Channel on weather news, hurricanes, tornadoes & meteorology

Molson Canadian Labels - Twin Label Technology

Alright... I like Molson Canadian. One of the reasons I like the beer is that they have these silly labels on them. On the front label is the normal label for a beer. On the back is a label for a "fake beer." They refer to it as Twin Label Technology and they claim that there are over 200 different labels. (230 to be exact.)

While we were on vacation, I bought a 12 pack of Molson Canadian for our seven days.

In the packet, there were nine different labels. They make me smile...

Here are the nine from our trip... in the order that I like them.

9. Tired of Dating Supermodels Lager
8. Have a Drink On Me Lager
7. On the Rebound Lager
6. Stop Buttering Me Up Lager
5. Make an Example of Me Lager
4. Good Vibration Epicenter Lager
3. Love Zone Lager
2. I Cried When My Goldfish Died Lager

and the number one label from Molson's Twin Label Technology was...

1. Hottie Magnet Lager

What other ones have you guys seen?

Sunday, August 28, 2005

Saturday, August 27, 2005

Readership Poll/Call for Help

It doesn't matter why or how this is in my possession.

All that matters is what I should do with it. I am very tempted to keep this and wear it to places like Atlantic City.

I am also tempted to wear it elsewhere... just so I can tell people that I hate Kiss.

What do you think?

Friday, August 26, 2005

On a Day Off... I Got to Thinking....

1. Stop and Shop Seasonal Aisle -- Ok... it's the end of summer and it is the end of a particularly insanely hot summer with a lot of days over 90. No one is looking forward to my favorite season of Fall more than I, but this morning I was surprised at the local Stop and Shop when I walked down the seasonal aisle. It is the end of August and they had an entire aisle devoted to HALLOWEEN. Are you kidding me? Halloween? It is over two months away. Argh... at least start selling the candy bags. :-D

2. 80s Porn Guy -- There is a guy in my building that looks like an 80s porn star. Let me try to explain to you what I mean. He has a really tightly trimmed mustache. He is lean and has hair parted in the middle which seems to be feathered. I really can't help but laugh at him every time I see him. Below is a picture of Ravishing Rick Rude -- a former WWE/WWF/WCE wrestler. He is a bit more buffed than the fella in my building, but you get the drift. The 80s porn guy in my office is this cheesy... I don't know...maybe it is all the hair products or something.

3. Hot History Chicks -- My college degree is in HIstory. I just watched National Treasure and the chick in that movie (I think it is Diane Kruger) is absolutely stunning and she loves history. Ummm... four years of college and NOT once or even close did I ever see a hot chick who likes history. Something is wrong with that movie... now I understand why people told me to check reality at the door.

4. What's Happening? -- I have started to watch some DVDs of this show. I used to love this show as a kid. I have memories of watching it every single day and then watching Buck Rogers. I put in the first episode ever where Roger leaves Dee home alone and then pretends she hasn't run away. The whole time we know that the mother has her. I am still laughing out loud. I couldn't stop myself. This show is still funny.

5. "Got milk? Batboy takes dare, drinks gallon" -- This story kills me. A Florida Marlins batboy takes a dare from an opposing team's player (who used to be with the Marlins). He was to drink a gallon of milk in 60 minutes without throwing up. According to a report, the bat boy was offered $500 if he could accomplish the task. He was suspended for six days for accepting the prank. The pitcher (Brad Penny of the Dodgers) sums it up perfectly. ''It's kind of ridiculous that you get a 10-game suspension for steroids and a six-game suspension for milk."

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Poker Intimidation

Go all in against these guys.


Forever in Sequins

Last week, muh wife and I went to see OUR Neil Diamond in concert.

She knew we were going to the concert yet I surprised her with some super duper great close seats on the floor. There were people in tuxedoes passing around champagne (for a very modest $5.50). We were close enough that we could see Neil without having to look at the screens. There is just something magical about Madison Square Garden and I am always a victim of her mystique.

It was a fantastic evening and it reminded me just how important Neil has been to our relationship.

Long story extremely short, there were two things that made muh wife want to meet me -- Tobinese and Neil Diamond. She had to find out what the heck I was talking about when she read those words and followed up with email after email after email until we finally went out on our first date. I beheld the power of Neil and he created our blessed union. (that paragraph sucked.. but I sometimes enjoy being vague about things.)

Neil sings some darn good music and those that want to laugh at his lameness, feel free. I have a new theory on lameness that stems from the last episode of Six Feet Under. Being lame/hip is only important to those in high school... so... as I am not in high school, I will have to take your comments as a compliment.

Neil however, in the performance world, is becoming a different animal. Neil, as he gets older, is obviously moving a lot slower and doesn't perform the same way he used to. He dances like a white guy but he does it all with showmanship and a smile on his face. He enjoys what he does and I really hope that when I am 65 years old, I am enjoying what I am doing as much as he does. It was a blessing to watch.

The audience at the show was also pretty interesting as it ran the gamut from young folks like muh wife and I to literally a guy who was walking with a walker and an oxygen tank. The crowd was primarilly in the Baby Boomer age but all age groups were amply represented.

Neil Diamond has written more successful music than any artist that I know of. He is a true performer and songwriter. I hope that this isn't the last time I ever see him perform, but if it is... it was a tremendous performance.

Thanks Neil.

Bush Stamp Joke

I stole this from Jamie.

It makes me laugh a bunch.

The Postal Service has created a stamp with a picture of President Bush .

The stamp is not sticking to envelopes, which enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation. After a month of testing, a special presidential commission presented the following findings:

1) The stamp is in perfect order.
2) There is nothing wrong with the applied adhesive.
3) People are spitting on the wrong side

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

How to piss off a Steakbellie

Steakbellie is a follower of cycling.

Tell Steakbellie this:

"The best part about Lance Armstrong retiring... is... that Americans do not have to care about cycling anymore."

Viscious, viscious Steakbellie might respond childishly with"

"i hope your dog bites you"

Mature Mr. Steakbellie... mature....

Creative Blogging -- A Lesson As To Why I Got Into History and NOT Art

Sometimes... I get creative and sometimes I am inspired. Today is one of those days. You will see after reading this blog WHY I did NOT pursue a life in English foo foo writing or in art. I am limited when it comes to those things. You will, however, see that at least I can be described as ... clever... unique... eccentric... or... all of the above.

Limerick Blog

There once was a Blogger named Smelmooo.
He wrote and picked up Tuck's pooo.
He married Tangent Woman.
A hotel he booked a room in.
He likes cheese and chicken too.

Haiku Blog (5-7-5)

Steakbellie is cool.
He taught me that haikus rock.
That makes me cool too.

Reverse Haiku Blog (7-5-7)

Creative Smelmooo is here.
Watch out everyone
His dog has no testicles.

Bad Poem Blog

This is a bad poem.
Can it get much worse?
It doesn't even rhyme.
I will end the bad poem now.


This is my artistic impression of where Tucker's nuts are living right now. All rights reserved... no stealing my artistic stuff people or I will sue!

Smelmooo's "Laundry" List (As Seen on His Refridgerator)

1. Wake up every morning with a smile on my face.
2. Watch every single episode of What's Happening? at least one more time in my life.
3. Lust after Erin Gray in Buck Rogers and the 25th Century.
4. Walk around going Nanoo Nanoo a bunch.
5. Finally change the oil in my car on my own for once.

Ok...this may have been the dumbest blog I have ever written... but at least it mentions Erin Gray.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005


Is anyone else going to watch this on HBO?

I can't decide.

Top Five Tuesday

I am dedicating this Top Five Tuesday to my number one wife... who is on a plane... right now... as we speak.

Top Five Possible Ideas For Muh Birfday Bash
1. Football game with a charity shirt for kids with cancer.
3. Keg Stands tournament
4. Poker Tourney
5. Murder Mystery Dinner... but not a lame one... whoever dies has to take a hatchet to the head.

Top Five Reasons Why "Urine Power" Freaks Me Out
1. I have enough problems getting it into the toilet without missing.. how am I going to hit a battery?
2. If I pee on a power source... will I get shocked on the last I looked... liquid is a conductor.
3. I hate the smell of pee... imagine using a battery that smells of it.
4. I would have to touch the urine somehowe... ick.
5. Urinetown was a great musical... Urine power just sounds ... wrong.

Top Five States That Muh Wife is Flying Over Right Now
1. Idaho (The perfect name for a hooker potato.)
2. North Dakota (What a View!!!)
3. Montana (Hrm...militia anyone?)
4. Michigan (Next stop... wasted industries and gang violence...)
5. Minnesota (Is there really anything bad about Minnesota?)

Top Five Songs I Just Realized that I was Bopping Too
1. The Streak by Ray Stevens... umm... where the heck did that one come from?
2. So Long, Farewell from the Sound of Music soundtrack
3. Michael Jackson's The Man in the Mirror... I really got to take that chance.
4. Mandy... yes... I know... shit...
5. Everything by Kelly Clarkson... I really do like her stuff... dammit...

Top Five Things I Wasted My Life On This Past Weekend
1. The True Hollywood Story on Blossom... as much as I loved the show... I didn't need to see Mayim Bialik pushing 300 pounds.
2. It's So Over ( VH1 or E!) list of the top celebrity break ups.
3. Date My Mom -- This used to be in my guilty pleasures list... but now... it hurts my brain...especially after watching a clip of a mom pimping her gay son off.
4. Weeding... it never seems to stop growing. God bless the mulch though.
5. The Girls Next Door -- Ok ok... they are hot... extremely hot and they girate in ways I want to watch... but why... oh why... do I have to listen to them talk and think?

Top Five Things That Will Happen if Don Ho Dies
1. Hawaii will secede.
2. He will be buried in a vat of perpetual Tiny Bubbles.
3. Hawaii will have to find a new national hero. When we were there, we saw Don Ho references on all advertisements for entertainment.
4. Hawaii will change its official abbreviation from HI to HO.
5. They will petition the US government to name a hurrican after him.

Monday, August 22, 2005

Random Thoughts On a ....Monday... I Think Too Much

1. Castration of a Construction Worker -- I was walking Tucker with his collar the other morning when a worker from my next door neighbor's construction job popped his head out. He asked me, "What happened to my little buddy?" This large fella over 6 feet tall with tattoos and a shaved head was serious as he loves playing with Tucker. My answer was... "He had his balls chopped off." He responded with... "You know... when they did that to me... they didn't put a collar around my neck. I quickly...and I mean quickly responded with... "Yeah... the priest only said... I now pronounce you man and wife." The whole crew laughed at that one and I have a new best friend.

2. Routine Castration -- When we picked up Tucker the other day, the receptionist said... "It was a routine problems." At the use of the words routine and castration together, both I and the fella behind me winced. There is nothing routine about castration. Nothing. That's why Tucker wears a collar.

3. National Epidemic -- TWO Many TWOs -- Driving down the street the other day, I began to notice something extremely important. Our country is in a national epidemic. We don't have enough "2"s to go around. I say this as I passed the local Exxon. All the numbers in the dollar position are in the $2 range. It is a bunch of store bought replacements or homemade "2"s. No gas stations look right. We need to find more twos!!!

4. Tucker's Escape -- A couple of weeks ago, I came home for lunch one day from work. I opened the door like I normally do and I called out to Tucker like I normally do -- only to not hear the normal collar jiggle that I normally hear. I was a bit scared. When I climbed over the fence that we have keeping him from exitting the kitchen to the rest of the house I could see that the back door was open. My heart started to race and panic. (I swore that I had locked it.) 5 seconds later after I had run through all the possibilities of where our dear dog could have gone, Tucker can inside with dirt all over his nose. I want to believe that I forgot to lock the door and he opened it up so he could run around outside.... The door has been locked ever since... smart dog.

5. Governor James McGreevey has been given the opportunity to write a book. It is not titled yet. Matt and I decided to come up with some possible names for the book.

a. "Stickin' It to Everyone"
b. "Trenton Makes, The World Takes....It Up the Ass"
c. "Loose Lips and Looser Anuses: My Days in Trenton"
d. Golan, Golan, Go-long.

6. Long Lasting Velvet Bimple Dog Chew -- As a treat for cutting his nuts off, we gave Tucker a Cornstarch Velvet Bimple Dog Chew. It was advertised as being for large dogs 44-85 pounds (Tucker is 23 pounds), long lasting and tastes like Santa Fe Chicken (as opposed to the Oven Roasted Chicken). Tucker finished the whole thing in 17 hours or so. Yeah... truth in advertising.

Sunday, August 21, 2005

Dog Resorts -- A Function of Yuppie Guilt Trips

It's another slow day in terms of brain function and output. I recently saw this article about Doggy Day Care facilities and it makes me laugh as it is simliar to what we had to go through with our Tucker.

I sit. I stay. I fetch. But can I get into doggy day care?

The Wall Street Journal

MARI LAWSON worried that Cousteau, her Great Dane, lacked social skills. So she tried to get him admitted to Urban Tails, a day-care center that encourages dogs to mingle and play.

Lawson could hardly believe the admissions process. She had to fill out a four-page dog personality profile, in which she disclosed that Cousteau barks at the mailman and dislikes bums with shopping carts. She also wrote he has sharing issues. He becomes aggressive with toys and other dogs.

At the start of his interview, Cousteau failed to impress, leaving a puddle on the floor of Urban Tails lobby. And he still awaited the heart of the evaluation: a peer session with other dogs that would test his temperament with sniffs, licks and the occasional roll on the ground.

Im freaking out, said Lawson, a small-business consultant. I feel like were trying to get Cousteau into college here.

More doggy day cares actually are starting to take their cues from Harvard and Yale. They are instituting rigorous admissions standards as they strive to put together classes or play groups of well-behaved animals that dont growl, nip or bite. Day cares, selective and otherwise, are multiplying as more two-career families are unwilling to leave their pets home alone all day. The North American Dog Daycare Association counts 1,100 members in the U.S., up from 100 in 1999. High-end day cares can charge more than $30 a day, or twice the average cost of boarding a dog at a kennel.

Katie Bane has managed Sterling Meadows, a dog day-care and grooming service in Virginia Beach, for three years . When she started, her company cared for two to three dogs a day. Today, she said, it supervises between five and 20 dogs a day.

People are treating the dogs more and more like family members, Bane said.
Unlike kennels, which tend to keep dogs in solitary confinement most of the time, day cares promote mixing on lawns or in big playrooms because it enriches their social lives. Of course, that freedom can lead to mayhem if the dogs arent carefully screened.

When she started a day care in Camarillo, Calif., last year, Judy Arnold had open admissions for neighborhood pets until vicious fights started breaking out.

One minute, youre admiring the dogs, the next minute, you have one dog down, she said. All you see is fur flying. Now, only half of all applicants get into Judys Paw Spa.

As more of these operations take the selective route, pet owners are starting to feel the sting of rejection.
Its like not getting into the right preschool, said Judy Scholhamer, owner of Rookie, a springer spaniel spurned by Miss Daisys Dog Camp in Tomball, Texas, after she ran over other dogs during her interview.

Breeds can count for a lot. At some selective centers such as Mile High Mutts in Denver, pit bulls are canis non gratus, while well-trained Labrador retrievers are likely to sail through the admissions process like football stars with perfect SAT scores.

Few tout their selectivity more than Dog Day Afternoons Country Day Prep in Boston, which declares it caters to New Englands canine smart set. The day care says it turns down half the dogs interviewed for its 35 slots. Dog Day requires two letters of reference from a trainer, camp counselor, vet or family friend, as well as a seven- page application and interview.

The only requirement at Sterling Meadows is proof of vaccination.
We just figure out what play group they would be best with, Bane said. And it is based on size and temperament. If he wont get along with any of the play groups, then the dog will play alone until it is able to be in one of the groups.

The dog day care at the Owl Creek Veterinary Hospital and Pet Hotel in Virginia Beach tends not to turn away clients either, said Steve Brooks, the hospital administrator.

If a dog has aggression issues, then we offer training.
Most state kennel rules dont allow boarding unrelated dogs together without cages, but the rules usually apply only to overnight stays. Last year, Iowa required that day cares keep no more than 15 dogs in a play group and that they have some kind of screening. Illinois is considering rules, too. To head off worries about day care and to pre-empt more government regulation, the American Boarding Kennels Association is drawing up voluntary accreditation standards for day cares.

Houston has become the center of the effort, led by Susan Briggs, co-owner of Urban Tails, the day care vetting Cousteau, the Great Dane. A draft proposal by Briggs recommends a formal dog acceptance policy that includes temperament testing/evaluation that screens for inappropriate behavior, aggression and general appropriateness for daycare. She also favors a dog profile like the one she obtains from each owner, including sections on dog personality and training.

There are no grades or standardized tests. So watching dogs interact with their peers remains key.

During his peer session, Cousteau met Zeb, a Rottweiler- bloodhound mix. At first, Cousteau, who weighs 165 pounds and stands 6 feet 4 inches tall on his hind legs, tried to mount Zeb, and the two dogs had to be pulled apart. Then Cousteau unfurled a tongue the size of a hand towel and gave Zeb a few licks in unmentionable places, a sign of friendliness among dogs.

The verdict: Cousteau was in.
* Staff writer Ibram Rogers contributed to this report.

Saturday, August 20, 2005

Slow Day Today -- A Moment of Agreement With a Favorite Author

It's a rather muggy and interesting day today. I am not feeling 100% and I am still dragging from a very fun Neil Diamond concert last night (more on that in a future blog).

I make no secret of the fact on Smokable Clown that I really like to read mystery novels. Stephen White is one of favorite authors and every once in awhile he sends out an email like this. I have to share with you that I love his reasoning about sharing titles and what books mean to him.

I would agree with him on almost every point.

A Note From Stephen White
My least favorite question when I do public appearances might surprise you. The one I dread most is the relatively benign, “What are you reading?” or its sibling, “What authors do you like?” Some well intentioned member of the audience will ask one question or the other – or a variant – at nine signings out of ten.

Why do I have so much trouble with those relatively straightforward queries?

Let me count the ways.

The primary problem is one of an implied imprimatur. My concern when I reveal what I am currently reading (or list some books that I’ve recently appreciated, or even authors that I admire) is that the original question wasn’t really a case of simple curiosity, but rather a thinly veiled request for a recommendation. There’s nothing wrong with that, I suppose – I’m as good a person to ask for advice about what to read as the next guy (but, I would argue, no better than that fictional next guy.) What worries me is that people who enjoy reading the books I write are going to make a logical, but ultimately irrational, assumption about the books I read: My fear is that he or she will think that if they’ve enjoyed or appreciated the books I write, then he or she will enjoy or appreciate the books I read.

I would argue that that underlying premise is false. Someone once said that writers don’t make good critics for the same reason that drunks don’t make good bartenders. I’ve never understood that argument in a literal sense, but I think I can feel its undertow. As a reader, I don’t choose books trying to find authors who write in a fashion similar to my own. In fact, I read more non-fiction than fiction these days. And often, when I read fiction, I’m attracted to books that have qualities that are quite the opposite of the ones present in the books I write. I find myself drawn to writers who stretch the form – either the fiction form generally, or the crime fiction form in particular – in ways that I’ve never attempted, and may never have even considered.

I love to find writers who teach me something.

A second concern I have about responding to the whole recommendation question is that after fifteen years as a novelist I no longer consider myself a typical reader. I admit that with more than a modicum of sadness, because prior to become a published writer I proudly considered myself to be among the most typical of readers. It’s a wonderful club to be a member of. Back then, I read for escape. I read for knowledge. I read for fun. But now, especially when I’m reading fiction, I find that I focus on facets of the books I read in ways that I never did before. I focus, for instance, way too much on craft. How is a story structured? (And in a micro-literary sense, how is a chapter, a paragraph, or a sentence structured.) Or I find myself assessing the tone or the consistency of a character’s voice. I will critique dialogue to weigh whether or not the words ring true. Those are all things I may have subliminally appreciated (or criticized) before I started writing novels, but now I focus on them as I read. And I can’t help it. Those things captivate me (and distract me) when they are done well. They distract me (often unnecessarily, I might add) when I think they are done poorly.

When people ask me what I’m reading, I don’t think they consider the possibility that I’m an oddly catalyzed reader, and that it’s likely I don’t read for the same reason, or certainly in the same way, that they do. The reasons I might consider a book flawed now might be invisible to a casual reader (a reader fortunate enough to be similar to the one I was fifteen years ago.) To be frank, I mourn the loss of that critical distance, and wish it on none of you.

I’m also concerned that were I to suggest books, I will leave many worthy recommendations off my list. I don’t read everything, or everybody. I’m not particularly well read in the genre in which I write, and I don’t present myself as an expert guide on this terrain. Inevitably, any list I present will perplex and offend. So, this isn’t exhaustive. I probably wouldn’t come up with the same list next week.

But I do get asked, so here are some answers.

What I’ve decided to do is to list some books that I’ve recently thought about, and that have taught me things, introduced me to things, or whose authors have captivated me with some aspect of the craft. Some are best-sellers, some aren’t. Some you’ve probably already read. Some you probably haven’t.

Do I recommend them?

Back when I was in clinical practice, patients would often ask me for advice. I rarely offered any. Why? Advice is me telling you how to walk across a mine field. Usually the more the patient wants the advice, the more dangerous the mine field. If I’m right with my counsel, great. If I’m wrong – well, I’m not the one who gets blown up.

As always, read at your own risk. The good news? These mine fields aren’t that dangerous.

(He then went on to list a bunch of books and reasons why he liked them.)

Good reading.


Friday, August 19, 2005

Taking Tucker to the Resort - A Lesson in Making Us Feel Guilty

Tucker was in the "resort" recently. The last time we were there, we were asked politely to get Tucker fixed before we brought him in again. That was going to be tough since Tucker was scheduled to return to the resort just five days later. In fact, Tucker was scheduled to be fixed just three days after our vacation was over... so we were a bit worried when we brought him in this last time.

Both of us were remembering their words when they told us that Tucker was essentially "going to town on a cute Golden Retriever puppy."

Muh wife was more concerned about this than I was. Personally. I don't care what he does. He should do whatever his puppy needs dictate. If he is bad, separate him. It isn't that hard.

Anyway, we brought him to the resort and walked in the front door. There was a bit of a back up at the front desk so we stood around waiting for the line to move. One of the owners came out and asked us to bring Tucker over so she could take him into the back. We handed the little fella to the counselor and she frowned when she heard that he wasn't fixed yet. (It has only been five days since the last time you passed judgment on our frisky puppy!)

She said with an actual frown emphasizing the last two words - "Last time, Tucker was a 'bad boy.'" I looked her in the eye and said, "Well, if he gets like that again, do what you have to do." She actually frowned MORE, which seemed impossible and said something about a time out. Ouch. can we feel any guiltier?

So, we finally got through the line at the front desk where we fill out all the important paperwork only to be made to feel guilty by the other owner at the front desk. He made us feel guilty that we brought a dog carrier for Tucker to sleep in. As big as the Big Blue Buick is, it doesn't hold a crate, so we bring the carrier for him to sleep in. He sleeps in the carrier most of the day anyway... so what difference does it make?

Also... at the resort, he gets his own wide open "cabin" for goodness sake.

He also made it seem like we were bad parents for not bringing a blanket or pillow/cushion for Tucker to sleep on. Look buddy. you don't know our Tucker like we do. Tucker is an eater. He eats whatever we put into his crate. If you want to chase pillow stuffing all over the resort.

Be my guest.

With Tucker in the resort, we began our week long vacation. During the vacation, we seriously would talk about the silliest things... Much to muh wife's dismay, I would say things like -- I hope Tucker is dropping his seed everywhere... one last hurrah. Muh wife would frown and shake her head. I think secretly... she agreed with me.

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Random Events That Happened in Stores or Restaurants That Just Seem Wrongish

Random Events That Happened in Stores or Restaurants That Just Seem Wrongish

1. Muh wife and I were in a supermarket. We put a HUGE bag of corn on the cob and bananas in the cart. We turned our heads for about 45 seconds to grab some other type of fruit. Upon returning to the previous location of the cart, we found that another patron had stolen our cart. I grabbed another cart and became determined to find the person who took the cart. I looked at every single cart I could. The bag of corn ws distinctive as I put it into the cart in a weird fashion. My hunt for the perp ended when I found the 60ish year old woman about 3 minutes later. I confronted her about the cart and she got pretty defensive about it.

No matter how this converstaion may read... it was a strenuous moment... I started with "Excuse me ma'am, but is this your cart?" She said... "Yes." I said, "Just so you know, it started off as our cart until you took it from us..." She pulled the old, "I'm an old lady... I am so sorry...I didn't see the corn." IT WAS IN THE SMALL TOP SHELF!!!! She knew she was wrong and other small talk ensued. In fact, she even chased us down about 10 minutes later to continue to apologize... and the corn was conspicuously absent. Liar.

Long story short, I felt better about telling someone that they did something crappy (I did it aggressively without doing it rudely).

2. We went to Atlantic City on one of the really rainy days and we played a couple of hours of poker at Harrah's. A new table was started and muh wife and I sat down to the right of the dealer so we had a pretty good view of everyone at the table and were central enough to hear all conversations.

In addition to a table of mostly men, there was this really old annoying couple. They just hated each other and seemed weird when they sat down. I wasn't sure if I was going to like the guy because he basically didn't save a seat for his wife making her sit on the other side of the table. It seemed wrong. After 20 minutes of playing with her. I figured out why. She was a jerk. 60 something and a jerk. She became the center of many jokes at the table that she just wasn't getting. It made many of the people at the table feel better. If a person's bitter and angry attitude can be justified... this was the case... I totally could see myself becoming like him if muh dear sweet wife ever became a jerk like her.

3. We went out to eat one night and we had an interesting waitress. She wasn't that attentive and she spent the majority of the time discussing a friend's upcoming wedding with that friend at a nearby table. We heard all of the details as they were just a table or so away. It seemed a bit weird. The majority of the work done for us at our table was done by the bus boy (who was in his 40s ..easily). He brought us food, took side orders, and ensured that our visit was enjoyable.

At one point, our waitress finally got off her ass. She must have seen that I needed more water (as the glass was at my mouth and I was polishing off the remaining water) She grabbed a pitcher and just stood by the table until I finished. She didn't say anything. She didn't really look at me either. She just stood with pitcher in hand about 2 feet from me with a dripping pitcher in hand. When I finished drinking, she took it from my hand and refilled it. She didn't say a word and left muh wife's half filled glass sitting on the table. Why would you do that? Whatever.

Are you Ready For Some Football????

I have set up my normal Fantasy Football-ish leagues. They are all free. Here are how you can sign up if you haven't yet. For both, go to, login and click on the appropriate game.

The first league is a "Survivor Football" league and it involves picking one team a week (without odds). If that team loses, you are out for the year. The information you need is League ID#: 2521 and the password is cheese.

The second league is a weekly "Pro Football Pick Em" and it makes you pick the winners of all the games each week. This year... I have added a special feature so that your worst week is removed! The information you need is League ID#: 4919 and the password is tucker.

Good luck everyone...

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

TUCKER IS FINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just got word from the veterinarian that Tucker did very well during his surgery.

This picture is of him on his way to the vet this morning.

He apparently is groggy and was good enough not to bite anyone's arm off.

Good Tucker.

R.I.P. - Tucker's Manhood

Look at him... you know what he is thinking... "PLEASE DADDY!!! DON'T SNIP MUH NUTS!!!!!"

For all of my male readers out there, I implore you to read this announcement.

This morning was a tough drive as today, marks the day muh (our) sweet, dear little puppy has his nuts removed.

I wonder what is going on right now.

Are they still in?

Are they out?

Is it wrong that I wanted to ask them to put it into a jar?

Just curious.

Seriously though... I am surprised by the people that have asked me if I took "before" pictures...and those that suggested it. No one has thought it was weird if I did.

What do you think?

Thoughts of the smelmooo -- Thank You

I have a stat counter on muh blog and I have a basic understanding of what days are more popular than others.

Yesterday... my hit count was 2000% higher than normal. (Yeup..that's right... 3 zeroes.).

I am not sure what was more interesting about muh blog yesterday than most days... but thank you for your support.


Pressing iPod Issue

Ichabod (our iPod) is not being recognized by my computer.

It works in the car and with headphones... but the computer/iTunes is not recognizing it. I hear the sound of the computer recognizing a new device... but when iTunes finally pops up (it takes 20 times as long) there is no recognition of Ichabod.

I updated the software...I DLed a new iTunes... I can't seem to figure it out.

Is this happeneing to you guys?


Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Marc Cohn -- No Longer a One Hit Wonder

Marc Cohn is now a two hit wonder..

1. Walking in Memphis
2. Shot to the head by bullet.

You may commence groaning now... and I certainly hope no one types that True Companion was a hit... it was a failed follow up!

Thank you for your support! Click here...

Top Five Tuesday - Vacation Edition

Top Five Places That I Want to Go on Vacation-ish (Within Reason)
1. Spain-Portugal-Andora
2. Maine
3. Napa Valley
4. Alaska
5. Anywhere muh wife is.

Top Five Headlines That Happened While We Were Away
1. Peter Jennings' Death
2. Space Shuttle Lands
3. Forrester and Corzine did inappropriate things with their money.
4. Bush did something again that was beyond his scope of power.
5. Dana Reeves is diagnosed with lung cancer. Talk about dedication to life and then having it ripped from you after spending so much of your life tending to another. Damn.

Top Five Things I Did to Annoy Muh Wife at Various Meals (all of these were only done ONCE.)
1. I put a cucumber with dressing on her "still in use" bread plate.
2. Licked the wine bottle to prevent it from dripping on the table (There is no excuse for this.)
3. Burped really loudly (I seriously didn't mean it.)
4. I pinched some shredded Parmesan cheese out of the serving bowl. (In muh defense, it was along the edge and ready to fall out.
5. Muh wife dropped her knife on the floor and kept forgetting to ask. I asked for one for her and she didn't appreciate it as she felt I "outted" her. Chivalry is dead folks.... dead...

Top Five Things That Struck Me Funny - The Guess You Had To Be There Category.
1. There was this woman who was hugging a bag from Burger King - My comment under muh breath was. "I guess she really likes her Burger King."
2. I asked for a bowl of soup. It was delivered in a cup. I asked, "Is this a bowl?" He said, "Uh no. Would you like it to be a bowl?" I said, "It doesn't matter. I have waited long enough for it." Three minutes later, a bowl of soup appeared. I ate both. I was full of soup.
3. I heard on the radio that Cumberland Farms is no longer being called Cumberland Farms in their radio commercials. It is now being referred to as Cumby's. You have to be kidding me.
4. I love that muh brother's girlfriend and brother STILL CANNOT beat me in poker. Take that!
5. This was originally Number One until Tangent Woman stole my thunder. Click here....

Top Five Fun Vacation Activities - Things You Can Do When You Have Decent
Enough Weather

1. Go to Jenkinson's and see the Nerds play for the first time in your life
(Oh wait. that was muh wife.)
2. Play BOCCE BALL!!!!
3. Go to the beach and listen to all the annoying people from New York come
and complain about the weather.
4. Eat.. Eat.. Eat... food or ice cream at the Beach Plum.
5. Read

nothing's going to change my world

I can't figure out why... but I need to read this blog.

It was introduced to me by steakbellie (Thanks Steakbellie) and now I can't stop reading it.

Click here...

It is a raw and emotionally charging blog about the love life of a 21 year old woman in New York City. It starts somewhat harmlessly and then enters a world of intrigue and lust.

Good stuff.

I do recommend one thing though... if you are going to read it... read it from the very beginning... it should take you about 45 minutes... and it is fascinating.

Monday, August 15, 2005

Speaking of Idiots is Ben Affleck's birfday.

Everyone stick your tongue out at 3:00 pm.

March of the Idiots - A Tale of a Trip to the Movies

March of the Idiots - A Tale of a Trip to the Movies

I have been reading with earnest stories in my entertainment websites and magazines about how the motion picture industry is hurting big time this year. Ticket sales are off . by a LOT. One article gave a variety of reasons as to why and they include such things as idiot patrons, availability of DVDs, obscene ticket prices, and the infusion of commercials. I agree with all of these reasons as to why muh wife and I have been going to the movies a great deal less. It is too much of a hassle and people are really frigging annoying to boot.

This, however, did not deter us from going to see March of the Penguins (which is one of the nicest and best movies I have ever seen. Muh wife agrees with me on this point. I should write a blog about this movie in its own right, but I would give away so much. I implore you though to see this movie if you can.)

We went to a 6:40 pm showing of the movie and sat down in some pretty decent seats. We were then surrounded by old people, families with itty bitty children and others. What we were subjected to was astounding. Here are a few highlights.

1. At one pint in the movie, there were SIX conversations going on at once. SIX. One of them was on a cell phone. Other people in the theater including ourselves carefully shushed all these conversations and they would taper off. Sometimes, a small child would ask his or her parents questions about a movie. This I do not have a problem with. The 4th and 5th questions I have problems with.

2. There was a particular child close to us that kept talking to his mother. Muh wife and I shushed them several times. She immediately made excuses for the kid. My problem at that point is not with the kid. It is with the mother. Teach the kid some manners. There was another woman who eventually shushed this kid too. 5 minutes later, we had to shush the lady!

3. All of the aforementioned stuff was rude enough, so. I went to the manager after the movie to chat about the conditions of our movie going experience. She listened for a few minutes and then actually started defending the talkers by saying something to the effect of "Look, we cannot go into a movie theater and shush the entire theater because we would have a riot on our hands. It is our policy to handle the few people that this might inconvenience." She gave us two free passes and sent us on our way. That was simply ridiculous.

I don't have much more to say about this except that I have a feeling that events like this will continue to push muh wife and I away from the movie theaters. and that's a shame. we really do love going to the movies.

Sunday, August 14, 2005

Back to work...

... maybe I shouldn't admit this... but I am actually dreading going back tomorrow...

It shouldn't be like this.

I think it's the heat.

Random Snapple Fact

#185 A male kangaroo is called a Boomer.

Saturday, August 13, 2005

Smelmooo Returns... and Goes Lame WIth a Joke...

We are back and Tucker smells fantastic after his bath!

I have a lot to write about but it isn't really time to do that... SOOO... let me share a joke with you that I received during my week away.

These are things you can do at Wal Mart to F around.

This is dedicated to Jamie and Barbara.


1. Get 24 boxes of tampons and put them in carts of guys when there not looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the ladies restroom.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone: 'Code 3 in House wares' . . and see what happens.

5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay-away.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set-up a tent in the Camping Department -- and tell other shoppers you're sleeping over; invite them in, if they bring pillows from the Bedding Department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask: "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the Hunting Department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously, while loudly humming the theme from "Mission Impossible."

12. In the Auto Department, practice your "Madonna look" using different sized funnels.

13. Hide in a clothing rack . . . and when people browse through, say: "PICK ME!!! PICK ME!!!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO!...It's those voices again!!!"

And last but not least:

15. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while, then yell loudly: "There's no toilet paper in here!"

Monday, August 08, 2005

Neil Diamond Tickets!

I have some left over Neil Diamond tickets for Madison Square Garden on
August 18th.

I am looking to get my money back so if anyone is interested... please let
me know ASAP.


Saturday, August 06, 2005

Going on Vacation

For the next seven days, muh wife and I will be on a beach relaxing.

Reading and thinking will abound.

I will see you all on the flip side.

Peace and cheese.

The Smelmooo

Friday, August 05, 2005

Body Man Wanted!

I was driving down good ole Route One when I saw this banner.

"Experience Body Man Wanted"

I wanted to apply...

I don't know anything about cars though.

Congrats to the Shout Out to Matt by James Wolcott

Click Here.

Holy Crap... I Never Made it to DC... and Here's Why...

It was 99 degrees yesterday. I know this because I watched it steadily increase on monitors across the Northeast Corridor. When I started my trek, it was a gorgeous 82 degrees and continued to climb as the day wore on.

I was supposed to get to DC, go to an exhibit and meetings at the Smithsonian and then come back the same day. Here's what actually happend.

1. I was supposed to catch a New Jersey Transit train to Metro Park from Metuchen. It is a short 4 minute ride. I stepped on the train at 8:07 just as I was supposed to. The ticket collecter comes along and says... "Oh boy. The train you want is 7 minutes behind us. We are going straight to Newark." Crap. All the seats were taken so I stood in the warm but not hot yet vestibule.

2. I arrived in Newark knowing that I was going to have to either catch the Amtrak train from Newark OR take a train back to Metropark to catch another Amtrak train. Upon arriving in the cesspool that is Newark, I was relieved to see that the train I was supposed to catch in Metropark was 20 minutes late. I went to the Amtrak counter and he felt pity on me and told me just to catch it from Newark. I felt a tremendous sigh of relief.

3. An hour LATER, the train was still late as was the train before it. I got fed up by it and got on a New Jersey Transit train back to Metropark where I would rather wait than waiting farther from home in Newark. The guy on the NJ Tranist train also took pity on me and let me ride for free back to Metropark.

4. I waited at Metropark until it was foolish to wait any longer. I would never make it to the meeting in time and I would have just had to have turned around and came right back home. I bought a ticket for Metuchen and went out to the platform. The Amtrak train I was supposed to take slowed up the new NJ Transit train I was supposed to take back to Metuchen.

I found out later in the day yesterday that the train I was supposed to take to DC didn't make on time. It was 3.5 hours late. That would have made me 2.5 hours late to a meeting/exhibit that lasted 2.5 hours.


Quite a day... I am not sure this would have been as bad as it was if it wasn't steadily increasing in temperature.... The day ended around 99 degrees.

I take back what I wrote yesterday. Amtrak simply does NOT rule.

What a day.

Dead Like Me -- A Plea to Save the Show

Dear Showtime,

I do not subscribe to Showtime, but there was a time when I used to. One of your shining moments was when the network began to air the witty and fun yet poignant Dead Like Me.

When Showtime disappeared from my cable system, I was sad simply because I couldn't watch this show. Last week, Dead Like Me Season 2 became available on DVD. I have almost watched the entire season and I still love the show.

I suppose ratings will always dictate which shows stay and which shows go... but I love that show.

I read this rumor online about the show and I hope you reconsider saving/bringing it back/whatever. Season 3 could be just as good. Give it a shot.

"DeadLikeMeOnline has absolutely no idea if or when Dead Like Me will ever return to production. There are rumors floating around saying that "Showtime is reconsidering and may pick up production of the show again". These rumors have not been confirmed by this website. But, we still remain hopeful and those rumors shouldn't be dismissed."


Ellen Muth and Mandy Patinkon's biggest fan.

Thursday, August 04, 2005

This is funny.

Random Thoughts...on a Thursday...

1. I will be away today. I am going to be heading down to Washington, DC to check out the new America on the Move exhibit at the Smithsonian with a group of high school kids. It should be a good experience. It will be made that much better because I am NOT going down on the bus with them. I am heading down on my new favorite mode of transportation -- the train. Amtrak rules.

2. One of the more interesting things recently has been muh wife's and mine Netflix queue. The account in my dear sweet wife's name yet I pretty much control the queue while we wait to watch a lot of the movies that already have on DVD and have borrowed from friends. With that being said, I looked at the queue recently and I realized something. A lot of the titles have the word "dead" in them. Dead Pool, Dawn of the Dead, Dead Like Me (Four disks). Poor Tangent Woman... she is all about death...

3. Barber Switch -- I used to love going to my old barber because he had this really colorful woman that worked with him. Go back over some of my really old blogs and you will find posts related to her. She wasn't there the past few haircuts so I finally decided to try the other barber in town. I like him SOOOO MUCH BETTER! However... when I said cut it short to him... his definition of short was different than the old barber. I have learned my lesson.

4. Muh wife and I are just passengers on separate ships this week. She flew and returned from Boston in one day yesterday... she got home late and left for work this morning while I am going to in DC today. Our plans are not similar at all.

5. I just ate a Finding Nemo Rice Krispies treat. I know muh wife is the RKT champion of the world.. but this was pretty darn good! Check that off the list... Nemo...found... in muh belly.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

More Snapshots from Toga 2005...

... a Continuation of Tangent Woman's snapshots.

Muh wife typed up a blog when we got back from our annual trip to Saratoga on Sunday. She covered some of the highlights and I thought that I would cover a few more.

As a quick reminder, for the past six years, a couple of my friends (Mike and Matt) have visited Saratoga, New York for a weekend of fun and the track. When we were all single, it was a guy's weekend, but it has now become a weekend that all the wives attend as well. They enjoy it just as much as we do. It is a great weekend for catching up on old times...etc etc etc. We also bet on horses, but that isn't the important part. We just like to hang out in the sun and talk and laugh. There is also beer involved.

Saratoga Race track is easily the nicest race track I have ever been too.

Here are some of the highlights...AND... you didn't have to be there to enjoy some of these.

1. Hamburger Hat -- There was a special hat competition going on this weekend. The winner with the most creative hat wins a prize. While we were doing our annual shot of the sulphuric rich Saratoga Springs water, we were joined by a classicly looking drunk old Irish guy. He was funny looking for three reasons. He was drunk off his ass so his face was BRIGHT red. He had the longest white chest hair any of us have ever seen as it grew OUT of his shirt. AND... he was wearing a giant CHEESEBURGER hat. AWESOME!

2. Final race -- Muh wife and I were getting a little bit tired as we had been there for almost 7 hours by that point and I had eaten everything I possibly could. We were getting ready to tap... I was also down for the day in terms of betting. One of the women in the groupd decided that she was going to be the tenth race. Ok... fine. That means we all had to stay. I made one final bet because I like to have a reason to watch the races. Thank god we that bet is the one that put me into the PLUS category. I went home 9.50 up and muh wife was up about 10. Not a bad day.

3. Glass and Ice -- We always bring our own beer and food to the track. We could spend $30 at the grocery store and it will be a tremendous savings in comparison to what we would be charged if we bought food there. They do not allow glass into the track. They look in coolers to keep that out. So we drink beer out of cans..but it is a small price to pay. However, we can NOT give up our pickles and pickles only come in glass jars. We hid the jar inside one of our chairs in a bag bags. We are sneaky. Also... has anyone else noticed that they put nutritional information on bags of ice?

4. Picking Up Tucker -- When we picked up Tucker, the "resort" owner asked us if he was fixed. I told him that he is scheduled for the operation later this month. He told us that Tucker was "going to town" on a Golden Retriever puppy. Good boy. :-D. We were asked to have him fixed before we bring him in again. That is this weekend. uh oh...

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Top Five Tuesday

Top Five New Words That I Heard/Want to Perpetuate
1. Porny (of or related to pornographic material)
2. Spazarific (Tucker's ability to be the sweetest dog and then the wackiest dog in under 4.4 seconds)
3. Sammich (A goofy way of saying sandwich.)
4. Snogalicious (a variation of the word snog seen a whole bunch in Harry Potter which meant to kiss)
5. Boltonize (Causing great stress to a country.)

Top Five Reasons Why Atkins Filed For Bankruptcy
1. They didn't cut the fat.
2. There was no meat to the budget.
3. They didn't have the heart to fire people.
4. Because they needed to recuperate from the "Thomas" muffins attack of 2004
5. Because it is a fad....a stupid fad...

Top Five Terrell Owens Quotes I Love -- Thanks to
1. "As you get to know me, you kind of figure me out, that I'm not as probably as bad of a guy that I've been reported to be. I'm not that jerk."

2. "I'll watch the highlights every now and then but, as far as watching the game, I feel like I am the game."
3. "At the end of the day, I don't have to worry about what people think of me, whether they hate me or not. People hated on Jesus. They threw stones at him and tried to kill him, so how can I complain or worry about what people think?"

4. "I'm smart enough to know when I've done something wrong, but I don't understand this. Guys are beating their wives, getting DUIs and doing drugs, and I get national attention for a Sharpie? People are personally attacking me, calling me a classless a------ because I did something creative during a game. Why?"
5. "Like my boy tells me; if it looks like a rat and smells like a rat, by golly, it is a rat."
-- Terrell Owens on rumors former 49ers teammate Jeff Garcia was gay in Owens to Playboy, August, 2004

Top Five Guest Stars on the Simpsons Next Year
1. Ricky Gervais
2. William H. Macy
3. Frances McDormand
4. Joe Frazier
5. Richard Dean Anderson

Top Five Things That We Need Nutrional Information On (Seriously... they have it on this stuff!)
1. Ice
2. Dannon Water bottles
3. Celery
4. Radishes
5. Lettuce

************************HARRY POTTER**************************
************************SPOILER ALERT**************************

Top Five Thoughts About Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince
1. There was not ONE single appearance of Lord Voldemort!
2. Who knew Harry was a frigging pervert?
3. I am so excited by the major role that Snape took...that means at least a few more roles for Alan Rickman...who is always so... sinister.
4. Come on folks... Dumbledore ain't dead... he made a horcrux for himself!
5. The Half Blood Prince seems a bit hokey to me... I bet there is more to it.

Monday, August 01, 2005

Daisy Duke is Perfect

Exhibit A.

It's Totally Wrong

Stupid Cats... survived.

Click here...

I am an Uncle!... again

I became an uncle to six little people on October 9, 2004.

I am now an uncle to a seventh little person.


I met her yesterday on the way home from Saratoga. She is so cute.

Tucker & His Bachelor Night


What time is it? What did daddy mean when he said that I was going to have fun tonight? What... oh..whatever...


Here I am...waiting for daddy to get home... THERE HE IS! What a great daddy. I gotta pee... ok... good... he opens the door for me first... but it is so hot out here... I should just pee and go back in...that's better....ahhh.... I feel empty and now... I am cool again... daddy turned on the air conditioning. I better stand guard near the front door so that no strangers come in and to be ready to pounce on mommy when she comes home.

Ya see... I am stumpy. I have short legs and yet I have a rather majestic look when I sit... almost like a sphinx... heh heh..sphinx... I learned that word when daddy was talking to some brown haired man the other day. He came over with this woman and smaller person. They were using the words mommy and daddy too but not to daddy. That seemed weird to me.

Daddy went upstairs to change out of his "monkey suit" and came back down to play with me. We played a rousing game of jump all over daddy as he throws the ball from side to side. I used daddy as a springboard and the game ended suddenly. I was having such a good time.

He rolled over on his side, moaned, and said "That's it Tucker. No more of that... you crushed my balls. In four weeks, you won't have any balls... so now... we are even."

I hope he doesn't take my favorite squeaky football away... That would just be mean.

I hear that damn A-Team theme song again... oh... that's just mommy on the other line. Daddy asked her is she landed safely and he cheered. I get it. Mommy isn't coming home. I wonder if daddy cheered because mommy is away or because it is going to be another one of our favorite bachelor nights!

I love these nights. I wonder if mommy knows what we do on these nights.


What a great night... daddy is the super duperest. Here is what we did.

1. We started off the night by doing a line of white stuff. Daddy loves that stuff. It gives him "energy" he says.

2. We then went out and picked up some "bitches." That's what dog parks are good for. We can both meet sexy "ladies." Daddy didn't do anything bad...but I sure as heck tried.

3. We played more ... get the ball from daddy.

4. We got some really yummy barbecue for daddy even though all I got was my regular dry food. Apparently, it is really good for my teeth or something.

5. We ran around the house. Daddy did it with scissors.

6. We looked into the refrigerator for long periods of time... Apparently, daddy believes in cooling the neighborhood.

7. We fell asleep while watching some girlie. I curled up next to daddy because he is so warm. That is such a great feeling.

Daddy tells me that mommy is coming home tomorrow. I will be glad to see her... but it is tough to be excited after a night of bitches.