Tuesday, May 31, 2005


Top Five Funnest Things About the Weekend
1. Three Hot Dog Johnny's Hot Dogs
2. Doing absolutely nothing on Monday but yard work, watch a parade and hang out with muh wife.
3. Grilling... every single day.
4. Watching my next door neighbor wander the streets.
5. Watching the creepy neighbor from a couple of doors down pick and sort the scrap wood of my next door neighbor who is getting their house added onto.

Top Five Surprises of the Weekend

1. My CD single of "We Like To Party" by the Venga Boys sold on eBay for more than I paid for it originally.
2. Mike's dog is able to leap like 3 feet in the air and catch a tennis ball in her mouth. She is 14 pounds.
3. Sitting in the front room with a book and a comfy chair with the wind blowing on you can actually make you sleepy.
4. Dirt is easily manipulated with a metal rake.
5. I really liked Empire Falls...although.. I still want to poke Helen Hunt with a hot poker.

Top Five Movies We (I) Watched This Weekend
1. CRASH -- THis is a must see. See it now.
2. InterMission
3. Empire Falls - Part I
4. Around the World in 80 Days
5. Empire Falls - Part II

Top Five Reasons Why I am Excited that Miss Canada Won the Miss Universe Pageant
1. Molson Canadian as the Miss Universe Official Beer Sponsor!
2. Stupid "Eh!" jokes all year round!
3. Bob and Doug Makenzie will be coming out of retirement.
4. I can cheer for a new Canadian... I was getting tired of rooting for Peter Jennings, Michael J. Fox, and Alex Trebek.
5. She is/was a hottie pants.

Top Five Neat Things About Being Asked to Serve On An Advisory Panel
1. I don't have to plan anything..
2. People actually listen to what you have to offer.
3. Looks good on the resume.
4. For me... it is for a school, so I get to see the direct result of my suggestions.
5. Paterson is a fun place to visit!

Top Five Greatest Reasons To Run Naked Through the Streets
1. You too... can be just like Will Ferrel in Old School. The girls will flock!
2. You are in a bitter divorce battle and you need to show just cause as to what she has done to drive you completely insane.
3. People let you alone.
4. People are completely taken... aback... especially since it was a parade.
5. Graduation STREAKING!!!!

Monday, May 30, 2005

Happy Memorial Day

We took Tucker to see a parade today. He stared intently and shook petrifiedly (new word) at some things.

We can add a few things to a list of things that he doesn't like:

1. Fire Trucks
2. The silly police officer who gave me a ticket for parking illegally even though I had the frigging permit! (Maybe I am taking creative license with this one.)
3. Bag pipes
4. Marching Bands
5. Valerie's Twirlers (I think the majority of the baton twirlers were over 45.

Have a great holiday.

Sunday, May 29, 2005

Happy Thoughts On a Gorgeous Sunday Afternoon

1. Only one more flowerbed to go and I am finished with fixing the yard. I finished two today that included mulching and removing... I feel accomplished.

2. Mike brought his dog over today and it was fun watching Tucker play with her as they are similar in size. Great times.

3. I grilled some chicken for lunch. It was a nice change of pace.

4. I watched the recent remake of Around the World in 80 Days. It was much better than I thought it would be. Great for kids and Jackie Chan kicks toosh.

5. How happy does Fudge Tracks ice cream make me? Very...

6. I saw that Nick Hornby's new book (A Long Way Down) got a perfect review in a mass media publication. That makes my day... as it comes out in 8 days.

7. I am off tomorrow. :)


Saturday, May 28, 2005

People Are Such Sheep

Come on people... cut it out.

Just because Tom Cruise is dating Katie Holmes, it doesn't mean that she belongs on the cover of magazines and it doesn't mean that you have to squeal like little children when Tom talks about her on Oprah.

Her current claim to fame and the cover of THREE magazines this morning at the store is a direct result of her BANGING one person and not because of any talent or anything...

Please rebel everyone and don't let them feed you this...!!!

Friday, May 27, 2005

Amusing Thoughts on a Friday

1. Coke has a bottle cap game. 1 in 12 people win a free Diet Coke. So... I have won 2 "1 Liter Diet Coke Products." Can anyone tell me where they sell 1-Liter Diet Coke products? They have the 1 1/2 liters, the 2 liters and the 20 oz bottles, but I cannot seem to find a place that sells the 1 Liters... That just sucks.

2. One of the perks of shopping at a grocery store and using the club cards is to see how much muh wife and I have saved over the year and how much we have spent. It puts a lot of things into perspective. Our store's computer system has been down recently and it has been unable to tell us the totals, but it claims it is accruing all the information. It better be... that's all I gotta say or there will be hell to pay!!!

3. I was watching a weird 1/2 hour on ESPN the other day. It was the PBAs "trick" bowling show. That's right, there was a tournament of head to had contests where bowlers were basically playing horse. One bowler would do a funky trick like throw a strike but the ball had to go through four chair legs or something and the first one to three would win. IT WAS SUPER FUN TO WATCH... because of its complete lameness.

4. While watching the bowling... this was actually said... ""When it comes to throwing balls through chair legs, that's the man!!!"

5. During the bowling show, the announcer was named Randy.. and he rated each shot for difficulty... with his... RANDY RATING!!! Insane.

6. I went to the gym today and I get so irritated at the young people... or should I say... able bodied people... that take the elevator up to the third floor to the fitness center. You are at the gym... take the stairs and leave the elevator to the seniors and to those who are rehabbing for goodness sake!

7. Am I the only one looking forward to the weekend? It should include a nice mixture of relaxing and working in the yard to suit my tastes.

8. Last night was a good night despite the absence of muh wife who was at a sneak preview for some Travelling Pants chick flick movie. I watched the Yankees win, played with Tucker, finally pick up a book in over a week, and still managed to do some much needed laundry.

9. Just because Phil Helmuth is a great poker player and is charismatic in an evil way to many or entertaining way to me, it doesn't mean that he is a good teacher of the game on his DVD series.

10. Go home early folks... it is worth it....

Thursday, May 26, 2005

One WHole Frigging Year

I have been blogging for an entire year...

Go figure...

Music To Muh Ears

Snagged this meme over at Gina's site. You choose one of your favorite bands or musical artists and use their song titles to answer the following questions. It took awhile to decide between Neil or Bono... but I went with U2!!!

Name of the Band: U2

Are you male or female? Stories For Boys

Describe yourself? Original of the Species

How do some people feel about you? Babyface

How do you feel about yourself? Pride

Describe an ex boy friend or girlfriend: Lady With the Spinning Head

Describe you current boyfriend/husband or girlfriend/wife: Sweetest Thing

Describe where you want to be: Stuck in a Moment You Can't Get Out Of

Describe how you live: Beautiful Day!

Describe how you love: All I Want is You

Share a few words of wisdom: Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own

Now you try!

Called Out!

My dear friend Karen called me out and now I have to follow through with this.

1) Total volume of music files on my computer:
I have two computers in my life. On the computer at home, I have approximately 24 GBs of music. On my much more limited computer at work, I have 3.2 GBs of music. I am not picky. I love putting the iTunes on shuffle!

2) Last CD I bought was:
U2s How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb. Buy music? You must be joking.

3) Song playing right now is:
Red Dragon Tattoo by Fountains of Wayne. Random is a beautiful thing. These guys ae truly underappreciated.

4) 5 songs I listen to a lot or that mean a lot to me (in no particular order):
As was the case with Karen, there are way too many, so here are the first 5 to come to mind:
1. Bad by U2
2. Forever in Blue Jeans by Neil Diamond
3. Brandy by Three Dog Night
4. Good Morning by Steve Poltz
5. Let's Get it On by Marvin Gaye

5) Which 5 people are you passing this baton to?:
1. Minnams
2. Jamie
3. Seth
4. Matt
5. Cousin Neal

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Funny Things Kids Say

I have recently heard some really funny things come out of kid's mouths.

1. Whenever the Tucker and the dog next door play with each other, they roll around on the ground and run in circles. It is a pretty cute thing and amuses all that watch.

Whenever they start to slow down, they immediately do what all dogs do -- they smell each other. Sometimes, the smelling gets a bit out of control and they start to lick each other... EVERYWHERE.

On one particularly sunny afternoon, the boys were licking each other's penises...for a brief second. This caused our five year old girl neighbor with beautiful blonde tresses to say...

"Our dogs are gay."

I couldn't help but laugh out loud and neither could her mother. I asked her... "So... how old are you?"

SHe said... "I am five... "

I asked... "Where did you learn that?"

She responded "(her brother's name" Her mom then scowled and stormed off. I wonder if her brother will ever say anything like that again around her.

2. A young guy about 7 years old started petting Tucker and was enjoying the soft fur. I told him that Tucker really liked being pet on his stomach. The young guy obliged and started petting his tummy.

After a minute or so, he looked up at me and said... "Hey..What is this furry knob thing?" He had it in his hand.

I replied, "That is his penis."

He was like... "Ummm... uh... it felt like a fuzzy door knob! I did't know!"


Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Just a thought...

I have been catching myself a lot recently...

Sometimes, I am saying something to muh wife... and it doesn't come out right...almost offensively... and I just dip my head and go...

"Crap..that didn't come out the way it sounded in muh head... I'm sorry."


Top Five Tuesday

Top Five Things That You Never Want to Find in Your Basement
1. Water
2. Bodies
3. A case of unused beer.
4. Immigrants
5. Rodents

Top Five Reasons Why Bo Bice Will Win American Idol
1. A white male hasn't won yet. It will even out the cosmos with a black female, black male, and white female having won before.
2. Apparently... he is very sexy. There are all kinds of women in my office and they all say... "there is just something about him.... rowr..."
3. He is more talented than that country singing dopey pants Carrie.
4. Being a country singing dopey pants counts for two strikes.
5. Bo knows how to rock without being a homo...like Constantine was.
* Bonus Obligatory Paula Abdul Joke -- She banged him.

Top Five Reasons Why the New Star Wars Film Did So Well
1. Apparently... sex is out...so all the nerds stopped trying to get laid and went to the movie.
2. A lot of critics are calling it as good as Empire Strikes Back.
3. It opened up against Monster in Law...starring J-Lo...box office cancer recently.
4. Blind allegiance is a powerful thing.
5. The storyline taps into the kid in all of us.

Top Five Reasons Why Giacomo Didn't Win
1. Barry Bonds stole his steroids.
2. Giambi has been feeling ill and hasn't had time to train him.
3. Afleet Alex had the power of compassion on his side! God wasn't letting him lose a second race!!! NO NO NO!!!
4. Mike Smith is a little prick who needs to realize that he isn't a story. He is just a little craphead who got lucky.
5. I was rooting for him.

Top Five U2 Moments at the Recent U2 Concert
1. The dropping of the "beads" that they used for lighting and graphics. I have no idea how they did it but it rocked.
2. U2 brought up a local band to play the instruments for I Still Haven't Found What I Am Looking For.
3. The fact that he wasn't too preachy and promoted a great cause The One Campaign.
4. They played some very obscure stuff, including Stories for Boys.
5. Ending the show with BAD was extremely awesome... yeup... extremely awesome... I said it...and I meant it.

Top Five Most Frustrating Things About Lindsay Lohan's New Look
1. Does she really look like she could drive Herbie the Love Bug in the upcoming summer release?
2. She looks like every other emaciated famous person.
3. The old look was browner but far more exotic!
4. Less fat.. means... less boob.
5. It just isn't sexy.

Monday, May 23, 2005

One of the coolest mornings I have ever had...

As a representative of the heavy and highway contracting community, I am sometimes able to see extremely unique things that the rest of the world is unable to see.

Last week, I travelled to New York City early in the morning and experienced something that simply took my breath away and made me feel like a small child as I stared at everything with a open mouth and eyes of awe.

One of my organization's largest members is the main contractor on the construction of the new water tunnel for New York City.

To read more about the project, visit this website! http://www.nyc.gov/html/dep/html/news/3rdtunnel.html

Upon arriving at the site, I was given a quick explanation of the sheer scope of the project. The contractor is to dig approximately 15 more miles of tunnel and dig 9 more 600 foot shafts tying the tunnel to the surface of the city in points in Chinatown and Broadway and more! It was more than I could comprehend.

After the lesson, we were fitted with raingear and with knee length rubber boots. The safety expert then scared the living piss out of us and we were ready to enter the tunnel..always aware of falling debris and with full knowledge of what to do if the lights went out or there was a fire. We were as prepared as we were ever going to be.

I entered an open elevator with four others and we travelled for four minutes deep into the heart of the belly of New York City -- 600 feet under the ground. Once in the ground, I saw the tunnel. To my naked eye, I would say that the tunnel was about 20 feet high and measured about 20 from side to side. It was truly a impressive sight.

A train runs along the bottom of the tunnels as they are used to transport men from one end to the other and to bring the debris to the center of the project. The debris is then dropped into a crusher and sent up to the surface along a conveyour belt that runs alongside the elevator. It is then dropped into trucks that remove it off the island. Amazing.

I was able to walk down the tunnel and feel along the sides of the wall and I was impressed at how this machine that is bigger than most buildings is able to smoothly cut into 20 feet of granite. It was TRULY beyond my comprehension and amazing. I snuck a piece of the granite and brought it home. That was from 600 feet below Madison Square Garden! How many people can say that they have that sitting on their stoves!?!?!?

We were then treated to a dynamite blast. They were beginning another portion of the project -- another arm of the tunnel. This tunnel was to run parallel to the current tunnel being dug and it would serve the other side of the island. The blast was approximately 600 feet down. With earplugs in our ears and about 800 feet and a bend in between us and the dynamite, it was detonated. The entire hole vibrated and was extremely loud. I felt the hair on my hands vibrate and my teeth chattered. It was amazing! I felt a wave of air come over me and I couldn't imagine at how cool it would feel if I was standing near the end of the tunnel.

After about an hour of a tour and examining the big equipment, we finally made our way back up to the top completely in awe of what we had just experienced. This was the largest engineered project in the world and I got to step foot in it.


Calling All Friends!

Muh beautiful wife recently made a list of 20 movies that she is embarassed that she has never seen. We are planning on watching them all. Does anyone have any of these movies?

I have taken out the ones that we have access to!

Thanks so much.

1. Schindler’s List;
2. Citizen Kane;
3. Casablanca;
4. The Godfather;
5. Gone with the Wind;
6. It’s a Wonderful Life;
8. 2001: A Space Odyssey;
9. The Maltese Falcon;
10. Annie Hall;
11. Vertigo;
12. American Graffiti;
13. Rocky;
15. The Jazz Singer;
17. Cool Hand Luke;
18. Rosemary’s Baby;
19. Meet Me in St. Louis;
20. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.

Sunday, May 22, 2005

I am never getting that back..

This weekend saw the absolute wasting of time.

I will never get the 105 minutes that we invested in White Chicks.

I will also never get the 101 minutes we invested in The WHole Ten Yards.

At least I saw a good fight on HBO.


Saturday, May 21, 2005


It is with great pride that I bring back a column that has suffered a bit because I have been suffering.

Making it to the gym has been an arduous process for the past month as I have been sick. I finally made it back this morning and I am proud to return with telling you what super duper month it is!

This month is one that I was actually aware of as a child.


I remember as a kid having to perform tasks in my very small K-8 elementary school. I remember running around the gym and doing sit ups and doing the stretch while my crazy gym teacher wore the same shorts every day and wore the same wacky sunglasses and yelled at us with a whistle around his neck.

Get re-acquainted with your childhood... right here!


Friday, May 20, 2005

Welcome to LarryManetti.com!

I am becoming obsessed with Larry Manetti.

He wrote a frigging book.



I was at MSG today... and I "accidentally" walked in on a sound check for some mega Irish band...

I was quickly escorted out. but they were up there...

They really were!

I really did ACCIDENTALLY walk in!

What Will I Do This Summer?

What Will I Do This Summer?

I read muh friend's blog and she bastardized my Top Five Tuesday with a list of the Ten Things She Wants to Do This Summer.

I figure that she is fair game for my bastardization of her list and I will provide a list of things that I want to do this summer.

1. Go to the U2 show in May -- By the time you read this, I will have already been there and I will have rocked out and I will have confirmed the fact that U2 is the greatest band on the planet and I will have fallen down in excitement when I got home and not be able to sleep for hours!

2. Go to the Neil Diamond show at Madison Square Garden on a Hot August Night. We bought the tickets and I am hoping to enjoy a party with my other elder Neil lovers and muh wife as we rock out. Floor tickets rock. :)

3. I am planning on finding a couple of dog parks and just letting Tucker go nuts with the dogs and see what happens when he is allowed to be a complete spaz.

4. I would like to play a lot more tennis and golf. For some reason, the past two years have been lacking in those departments.

5. I plan on using my vacation to go to the shore and do nothing for a week. I have had too many trips recently that have involved too much packing and running around like crazy. I need relaxing.

6. I plan on mowing my front lawn at least once this summer. My next door neighbor is so obsessed with my front lawn and his that he mows it all the time to ensure uniformity.

7. I plan on skipping the new Star Wars film at least for the first few weeks... even though I heard it is as good or possibly even better than Empire Strikes Back...easily the best Star Wars movie ever made.

8. I want to see everything Larry Manetti from "Larry Manetti Presents: Celebrity Brunch" at the Plaza in Las Vegas has ever made. http://www.netflix.com/RoleDisplay?id=20027562

Thursday, May 19, 2005

Rejuvenation -- The U2 Way

Sometimes in life when things sem a bit dismal, something happens that lights a spark under your butt and reminds you of how super and fun everything is.

Last night, I went to see U2 at the Continental Airlines Arena with muh wife, muh brother, and his lady. It was an incredible time! The concert was so awesome and captivating that I am feeling rejuvenated... yet... very very very tired from the late night return home.

Fans or non fans that see U2 in concert gain a whole new appreciation for the band. The show is full of so much energy and life that people can't but help being drawn into it. It was a fantastic time.

I was also impressed with how they pulled some of their really old stuff out even some obscure stuff like Stories For Boys... which I love!

I only had two problems with the best concert I have ever been to.

1. The pot smoking was by the guy right next to me so my clothes reeked.
2. No With or Without You...

My absolute highlight was the fact that they ended the show with my absolute most favorite U2 song... Bad and they melded it with 40.


Here is the set list:

City Of Blinding Lights
Vertigo / Stories For Boys (snippet) / Pump It Up (snippet)
The Ocean
Beautiful Day / Blackbird (snippet)
Miracle Drug
Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own / No Regrets (snippet)
Love And Peace Or Else
Sunday Bloody Sunday
Bullet The Blue Sky / Please (snippet) / The Hands That Built America (snippet) / When Johnny Comes Marching Home (snippet)
Running To Stand Still
Pride (In The Name Of Love)
Where The Streets Have No Name

Zoo Station
The Fly
Mysterious Ways
All Because Of You
I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For
Bad / 40 (snippet)

Did I also forget to mentiont hat the light show for the concert was incredible too?

I bet you might gather that the show was incredible!

Boo Hoo...Frank Gorshin


I will miss you.

I have been reminded of how much I appreciated your work from my recent viewings of The Challenge of the SUperfriends.

Your live action Riddler was the best...

You will be missed.

Holy Smoly!

Today is the one year anniversary of owning our house.


Where the hell did all the time go?

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

About 4.5 hours...

... to go until the Vertigo Tour hits New Jersey for the second night in a row....

Yeup... I'll be there!


I will be at the theater at midnight tonight taking pictures of your geek selves.

Please... stay home tonight... I BEG OF YOU!!!

Bank Friendliness Update -- It Went Even Farther!!!

I made a post last week that related a quick story about how the people at the bank recognize me by name now. It made me a tad nervous, but now, I have accepted the fact that human contact is a good thing.

Well... I went to the bank again this morning and I was astonished by the new level of friendliness that accompanies my relationship with the teller.

He finished my transaction, sent the carrier back through the tube and asked me a question. I was three lines away from him so I addressed him while looking at him through the bullet proof glass.

"How easy is it to sell things on eBay," he asked.

I found the question to be a genuinely interesting question and gladly supplied him with an answer.

After pulling away, I figured out that he probably knew I was into eBay because of all the checks and money orders that I bring in. Some of them must actually say eBay on them or give item numbers.

I figured that you would all like an update. My relationship with the bank teller continues to improve.

Perhaps muh wife should be concerned....



...Today is muh wife's second biggest girl crush's birfday.

Happy 35th Tina Fey!

Tuesday, May 17, 2005


Top Five Reasons Why I Am Pissed At The Weather People
1. The weather people got it wrong again this weekend. It was supposed to rain like crazy again. Did we get ANY? NOOOOO!!!!
2. I heard this as an actual forecast on 101.5. "It will rain this afternoon. If it doesn't rain rain then it will be cloudy or sunny." WHAT ELSE IS THERE?!?!?!
3. They keep giving the forecast for the shore as "...and a bit cooler at the shore."
4. A relatively new thing for the weather people on 101.5 is to give the "Weather in a Word". My favorite stupid one was... "Muggarific."
5. They can be wrong and still keep their jobs.

Top Five Best Things This Weekend That Made Me Happy
1. Free Wendy's Frosties!!!
2. Spending lots of time with muh wife after her week long business trip.
3. Watching Tucker recognize muh wife as soon as she stepped off the train about 5 cars away and bolting for her with me still attached.
4. Watching myself win another case of beer from MB.
5. I got a lot of yardwork done and th front yard looks so much better... despite the threats of rain.

Top Five Reasons The Yankees Are Making a Comeback
1. They are a good team.
2. Tino Martinez ... at one point... had 37 official at bats. 10 of those...were homeruns.
3. George threatened to fire the entire team...
4. A-Rod finally isn't booting the ball... (That one is a joke... he is error prone still.)
5. Jeter stepped up and showed who's boss.

Top Five Reasons That I Loved Raymond
1. The episode where Robert got married.
2. His father (Peter Boyle) had his best season when he was sick and losing his voice.
3. Every time he would talk to his wife about the kids... and being a good father was just painful.
4. I loved the episode where they get his mom to take the slip covers off the couch. Hilarity ensued.
5. He was just plain funny... no gimmicks... just good, old fashioned funny.

Top Five Reasons Why Star Wars is NOT that Good.
1. Episode 1
2. Episode 2
3. Watching these pathetic geeks camp out for weeks before hand to see this.
4. Watching these pathetic geeks dress up while camping outside weeks before hand to see this.
5. Because Triumph the Insult Comic Dog told me so.

Top Five People That I Would Like To See on Next Year's 24
1. A dead Jack Bauer
2. Marilyn Manson as a terrorist
3. Regis Philbin as a criminal mastermind.
4. The Legion of Doom with Grod
5. Howard Stern as "The Flamingo"
Bonus -- Anyone of the hot chicks from survivor naked or nude.

Monday, May 16, 2005

Humbly Speaking -- I am the GREATEST!

It is with great pride and admiration that I announce that I am the greatest Survivor game player on the planet. I have now won SEVEN Survivor games in a row and ASSHHHHPHALT continues to try. (I hope he tries again...come Survivor: Guatemala).

Now... it was an emotionally filled episode last night and I was super glad that it ended with someone who is a quality person and a strong character. You cannot imagine how angry I was last night when I saw that Katie made it to the finals since I think she is a horrible human being.

The editting never quite showed how completely terrible she was but I have seen people just like her in my life and I can see all the same traits as the completely horrible person I know in her. Blech... pure evil that relies on belittling people by coming across as the bigger person.

You can imagine how much I was cheering when Greg made the "You are pathetic" speech. Pure bliss... pure bliss...

Anyway... it is tough to wrap up this spectacular season...but I can add that Ian was a dope and I can't wait until September!!!

Final Guesses (Made on May 7th)
5th Place - Caryn (CORRECT!!!)
4th Place - Jennifer (CORRECT!!!)
3rd Place - Ian (CORRECT!!!)
2nd Place - Katie (CORRECT!!!)
1st Place - Tom (CORRECT!!!)

(As a reminder, the number in parenthesis is the spot that the player was picked in the draft.)

Pork Chop Express (Me)
Tom (1) -- FINISHED FIRST!!!
Jennifer (16) -- FINISHED FOURTH
Wanda (20) -- Booted Week One
Jolanda (13) -- Booted Week One
Ashlee (17) -- Booted Week Two
Willard (9) -- Booted Week Five
Angie (12) -- Booted Week Five
James (4) -- Booted Week Six
Coby (8) -- Booted Week Nine

ASHHHfault (MB)
Jon (18) -- Booted Week One
Jeff (15) -- Booted Week Three
Kim (11) -- Booted Week Four
Ibrehem (10) -- Booted Week Seven
Bobby Jon (19) -- Booted Week Eight
Janu (14) -- Booted Week Ten
Stephenie (7) -- Booted Week Eleven
Gregg (6) -- Booted Week Twelve
Caryn (3) -- Booted Week Thirteen

Sunday, May 15, 2005

Funny Bumper STicker

This may reach a small audience, but muh wife and I saw a funny bumper sticker in the car yesterday.

It looked like a legitimate campaign sticker with red, white ad blue and it said..

"Republicans for Voldemort"

Heh heh... that was clever.

Saturday, May 14, 2005


Only one more episode of Survivor left and I am proud to say that I have 3 of the final four people left.

I have made a 4 week run with MBs players all getting the boot. Quite a run... quite a run.

After watching Katie manipulate and make Ian cry this week.. I am sick to my stomach about her.

I am just going to watch on Sunday and cheer Tommy and Ian on... Jennifer... I can do without.. .but GO TOM!!!

My ability to win this thing is at least 75% (3-5 are still mine.)

Final Guesses (Made on May 7th)
5th Place - Caryn (CORRECT!!!)
4th Place - Jennifer
3rd Place - Ian
2nd Place - Katie
1st Place - Tom

As a reminder, please people... root me on... I need to win my 7th in a row!!!! (As a reminder, the number in parenthesis is the spot that the player was picked in the draft.)

Pork Chop Express (Me)
Tom (1)
Ian (5)
Jennifer (16)
Wanda (20) -- Booted Week One
Jolanda (13) -- Booted Week One
Ashlee (17) -- Booted Week Two
Willard (9) -- Booted Week Five
Angie (12) -- Booted Week Five
James (4) -- Booted Week Six
Coby (8) -- Booted Week Nine

ASHHHfault (MB)
Katie (2)
Jon (18) -- Booted Week One
Jeff (15) -- Booted Week Three
Kim (11) -- Booted Week Four
Ibrehem (10) -- Booted Week Seven
Bobby Jon (19) -- Booted Week Eight
Janu (14) -- Booted Week Ten
Stephenie (7) -- Booted Week Eleven
Gregg (6) -- Booted Week Twelve
Caryn (3) -- Booted Week Thirteen

Friday, May 13, 2005

More Tuckerisms... yeah... I know... I bore you... but these are interesting!

Yeah Yeah Yeah.... I am seem to be obsessed with our new puppy, but I get great pleasure at just watching him do his quirky little things.

Here are just a few of my funny observations about him.

1. Tucker is a mixed breed. (God forbid you call him a mutt. It sets off alarms in people like if I were to walk into Harlem and shout the N word.) His mother was a Border Collie and his father is unknown so we are still trying to figure out what the heck he is. The two most popular guesses are Corgi and Retreiver. Both would create a different shaped and sized dog. Tucker seems to exhibit the body of a Corgi as it is long with short legs. With his long body, he does something very funny. The shake is initiated in the HEAD area. It then seems to head down his body so that at one point it is all shaking and then... just his butt and then just his tail. That is frigging cute.

2. Guarding the room and his stuff is the cutest thing he does. He spends the day wandering around the kitchen area. We are sure to bringin in his squeaky toys and his pillow into the kitchen each morning so that he has stuff to play with. When we open up the house for him upon our arrival home each day, Tucker will run from the kitchen to the living room about 5 or 6 times each with something in his mouth. He brings all of his stuff to the living room so that he can play with it there. The living room, we think, represents freedom to him so he is bringing his stuff in there. He then sits in the one spot in the room where he can see the entire first floor's activities. He can't see in all the rooms, but he can see entering and exiting.

3. The Stretch is what muh wife and I call the activity that Tucker performs when he wakes up in the morning or from a nap. He stretches out his back legs by making them limp and taking a step or two forward making his already super long body even longer. Then... he makes his front legs limp and goes the other way. It could take as long as a full minute for him to fully stretch.

4. One of the funniest results of having a dog is that muh honey is now being greeted by kids and adults in the street when she walks him. I am a far more social person than muh wife in the neighborhood and I am proud to show off the little monster to people. The other day... muh wife told me that this woman and the kids that were with her basically yelled from across the street. "Look! It's Tucker!" and they ran over to pet him. I thought I was the most popular one in the family. Nope... it's Tucker.

Alrighty... that's enough for now. I am sure many of you didn't even bother to read this.


Thursday, May 12, 2005

Bathroom Etiquette

"C'Mon... how about a courtesy flush?" is a phrase that I have heard used often in movies yet I have never heard it used seriously in real life. I am not even sure I know what one is but I have a basic understanding.

It seems a bit off the mark, but I have been experiencing a lot of new bathroom behavior by people as they are renovating all the bathrooms in our building. People from other floors are making their way to our humble bathroom causing back ups and intiating me to different habits.

I do not claim to understand them all and here are a few.

1. I was recently standing at a urinal next to a guy. I finished up, put everything back inside and did all my zipping and buttoning AT THE URINAL. This pretty young guy (I would say he was 28 or so.) finished up, flushed the toilet with his elbow and then walked over to the mirror to complete the buttoning up process. I truly don't understand that behavior. It just seems more polite to finish up at the urinal and the liklihood of penile exposure is severely reduced as well.

2. At one point, there were no more urinals available, so I went into a stall. In the stall, I found a pile of newspapers hanging from the handicapped handle bar. I suppose they left the papers there for anyone else that may want to read them on the potty. HOWEVER, one of the more universally accepted truths in the world is that poop is one of the most disgusting materials on earth. Why would I pick up something that probably has some sort of other person's poop related material on it? Thank you for being kind... now cut it out.

3. There has also been an increase in those people that wash their hands and leave the entire sink area incredibly wet. This includes the part of the sink that you might lean against with your crotch when washing your hands. This happened to me recently. I spent the next 3 minutes trying to discreetly dry my crotch area after getting it soaked by errant water. It was just rude and takes a 5 second mop up by a paper towel. 5 seconds now may save YOUR 3 minutes later.

4. Something that I never understand in bathrooms is the need to have lots of paper towels falling to the ground when the pile gets to the point of overflow. Cmon people. How much effort is it to get another paper towel, place it on the top of the pile and then push? Not hard at all.. because.. guess what?... it is PAPER.

5. Finally.... please wash your hands... I see you shaking other people's hands later.... I see it.

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

In related News... the Pastor has a new job....

Good news on severed goat heads: Satan not involved - Yahoo! News

See Ya Later Jerk Off

Pastor Accused of Running Out Dems Quits - Yahoo! News

Knowing me...At the Bank...A Tale of Invading My Privacy... in a Friendly Sort of Fashion

I go to the bank frequently and I usually go to the Commerce Bank around the corner from my house at 7:30 in the morning at least 3-4 times a week.

I go a lot because I sell a bunch of stuff on eBay and recently has been no different as muh wife and I are getting rid of our CD collection. I get a lot of checks because that is how people pay me.

However, my point is that I go to the bank a lot and the tellers all have a vague idea of who I am.

This morning... that all changed.

Normally, when I put the deposit slip in the slot, it gets sent to them and then they greet me by name. "Good morning Smelmooo. Is there anything else I can do for you today?"

I say no and head off to work.

This morning, I pulled in and they didn't even wait for the deposit slip to be submitted. His voice came over the microphone and said, "Good morning Smelmooo."

I was completely shocked... so much so that I laughed and said "No thank you..." with a giggle in my voice. I didn't know what to do... and I felt sort of naked yet pleased that the guy would remember me.

My only real problem after evaluating the situation is that I don't know his name. I almost feel bad about that.

I have noted recently that service oriented businesses like banks are trying to add the personal touch by addressing you by your first name. I kind of like that and it seems to be working.

However, why does society seem to favor these types of businesses yet I was still taken aback when he addressed me by my name before I even submitted my deposit slip?

My first impression is that I am no longer enjoying the world of anonymity and that the world can figure out who you are no matter what... then .. I took my paranoia hat off and realized... hey... maybe the guy just recognized me and liked me enough to say "hey."

I guess I really have no idea... but I will keep going back anyway.

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

Top Five Tuesday!

Top Five Saddest Things About Tucker Having Worms
1. We feel like we are bad parents.
2. His face just seems that much cuter because we feel so badly.
3. Smelmooo has to give up some of his beloved cheese so he can eat his pills.
4. He needs pills. :-(
5. As improbably as it is, I am afraid that we will see worms crawling all over the floor and then up the chairs and then onto the kitchen table and then... into our food and then... into our mouths and then... into our bellies or ears... like in Star Trek II: Wrath of Kahn. Crap... now it seems more plausible.

Top Five Mother's Day Activities That Are Good For Convict Mothers
1. Baking a file cake.
2. Making C4 cupcakes.
3. Playing Conjucal Bingo
4. Anything that involves pillows and fighting with them.
5. Solitary solitaire.

Top Five Movies That I Will Watch While The Wife is Away.
1. Challenge of the Superfriends - Disk 3
2. Greatest American Hero - Season 2 - Disk 2
3. The Woodsman
4. Blade: Trinity
5. Without a Paddle

Top Five Reasons Why Chappelle is on Hiatus
1. Bad Weed - Bitch!
2. He is afraid of these stupid people who are trying to censor everything we watch. Grow up people and turn the frigging channel off or get control of your kids if you don't want them exposed to the bad stuff! (I will now get off my soap box.) - Bitch!
3. It is a publicity stunt to promote the DVDs for his hilarious show -- Bitch!
4. He is still mourning the loss of Rick James -- Bitch!
5. Bad Weed -- Bitch! (a.k.a. fatigue)

Top Five People I Would Like to See Play a Retarded Person Instead of Rosie
1. Martha Stewart
2. Newt Gingrich
3. Dick Cheney
4. Keifer Southerland
5. ANYBODY!!!!

Top Five Places To Store Extra Stuff -- No Really... Stuff Goes There...
1. In the corner in a huge pile.
2. In the attic.
3. Under the bed.
4. In the basement.
5. Under the dining room table.

Monday, May 09, 2005

Happy Birfday...

...to the Twinkie.

I still don't know how they got the cream in there and I don't WANNA know......

But.... Happy 75th Anniversary anyway...

I bet the original ones have just finally reached their shelf life.

Funniest Line on Television... Perhaps ... Ever

I was watching "The Office" (American Version) recently and I heard this line said by a character that takes the world a bit too seriously and from a very weird place. The line itself is amusing but when said completely seriously by this complete chump loser... it was funnier.

He is referring to a travelling saleswoman that is selling hand bags throughout his office.

"The purse girl hits everything on my checklist: creamy skin, straight teeth, curly hair, amazing breasts -- nor for me, for my children. The Schrutes produce very thirsty babies."

Laugh out loud humor folks... laugh out loud.

What is a sport? - A Look at the Definition Because I Watched WAAAY Too Much ESPN.

When you are sick, you turn on the television a lot more than you normally would.

The past three weeks has certainly been no different. I was turning on the television quite a bit in order to kill the time or to watch mindless drivel. Weird thing is... I read a lot less. I am not sure... I figured I would be reading a lot more with the sickness, but alas.... that was not the case.

Anyway... I found some programming during my sick time that has me questioning the definition of the word "sport." Some of the sports on the channel blurred the lines of sport.

Dictionary.com has a variety of definitions for the word. The primary definition is the one that most of us associate with the word. "Physical activity that is governed by a set of rules or customs and often engaged in competitively."

This definition accounts for the likes of the NFLs, NBAs, and MLBs. They are organized leagues with games of physical exertion.

The definition got stickier when I was in high school and college when friends of mine would claim that cheerleading was a sport. At the time, I didn't appreciate the amount of time, energy and physical exertion the people put into it -- probably far more than say... baseball players. As a result, I was quickly converted from non-believer to believer. Cheerleading is a sport.

One of the fun sports I watched was bowling. It wasn't a recent tournament but a tournament from 1984 where the first place prize was $18,000. The drama they created was intense and as muh wife astutely put it... "These announcers are amazing. They find something different to say after each roll." Bowling is close to the edge of the definition of sport. "An activity involving physical exertion and skill that is governed by a set of rules or customs and often undertaken competitively. "

By the second definition of sport, bowling is... in fact... a sport and belongs on ESPN or ESPN2.

This second definition also explains two other borderline sports that I seriously sat and watched all the way through. The first was the 2004 Super Heavyweight Left handed Arm Wrestling National Championship. THe competitors literally would trash talk and they would almost always have to be strapped together. Quite a competition and not once did anyone turn their hat backwards and channel the power of the backwards hat. (I knew you were thinking it.)

I also was privileged to watch the National Lumberjack Competition. Those guys exert themselves far more than most atheletes too and are at risk with each of the things they do. For those of you that have seen the springboard competition, I actually saw a couple guys fall off the boards. Fascinating television.

By the second definition... both arm wrestling and the lumberjacks championships are indeed... sports.

Now... my belief in the ESPN networks came into serious question one Thursday afternoon when I plopped on the couch and turned on the JUGGLING championships from 1984. It wasn't your standard 1/2 hour throwaway episode, but rather FIVE individual 1/2 hour episodes each featuring five different championships. They included 5 Pins, 6 Pins, Rings, Balls and Teams. It was fun to watch and truly amazing how they could actually find commentators for this stuff!!!!

I was having trouble equating this with a sport until about 30 minutes ago when I found definition number 3. "An active pastime; recreation." Combine that with the first two definitions... and blammo... juggling qualifies as a sport.

I am going to continue to monitor the television and find interesting sports from around the world. Be happy that I didn't get into the National Miniature Golf Championships or the Dog Sled racing or the Table Tennis contests I watched. They were awesome.

Sunday, May 08, 2005

Happy Mother's Day

Tucker was such a lovely puppy!

He got his mother a card.

He can be so sweet sometimes.

Saturday, May 07, 2005



Survivor Palau is coming around the home stretch and we only have two more episodes to go. The excitement is building and a major event happened last night on the show.

After last week's boot of New Jersey's finest and (So)long's final survivor... Stephenie LaGrossa... the show was to turn into the proverbial eating each other alive episodes. At this point in the show, the alliances break down and the people just eat each other alive. Last night was no different.

I have come to the conclusion that I comepletely and totally abhor Katie. I think she is manipulative and evil. Do not be fooled by her folks... she just plain stinks. I made a funny while watching the show with muh wife. She was talking about swimming with the dolphins and how much she loved it. She then said, "It was my dream!" I snidely commented... "But my bigger dream is to live with a unicorn." Heh heh... made us guffaw.

I am now ensured at least TWO people in the final four bringing my ability to win this thing to at least 60% (3-5 are still mine.)

I don't normally do this, but here are my predictions for the final five players. There are five players left and here is how I see the finals playing out.

The first person to go will be Caryn, leaving Tom, Ian, Katie and Jennifer in the final four.

The next two to go will probably be Ian and Jennifer. I don't want to give a prediction of one over the other as I am never sure how immunities will work out... but if I were to guess... I would say Jennifer then Ian.

The finals would then be Tom and Katie.

I have reviewed it over and over in my head about alliances and the like but I cannot see how Katie could win over Tom. I really can't.

My bold and final prediction... Tom. I also predict that Tom will be the first person in Survivor history to win the car AND the $1,000,000.

Final Guesses
5th Place - Caryn
4th Place - Jennifer
3rd Place - Ian
2nd Place - Katie
1st Place - Tom

As a reminder, please people... root me on... I need to win my 7th in a row!!!! (As a reminder, the number in parenthesis is the spot that the player was picked in the draft.)

Pork Chop Express (Me)
Tom (1)
Ian (5)
Jennifer (16)
Wanda (20) -- Booted Week One
Jolanda (13) -- Booted Week One
Ashlee (17) -- Booted Week Two
Willard (9) -- Booted Week Five
Angie (12) -- Booted Week Five
James (4) -- Booted Week Six
Coby (8) -- Booted Week Nine

ASHHHfault (MB)
Katie (2)
Caryn (3)
Jon (18) -- Booted Week One
Jeff (15) -- Booted Week Three
Kim (11) -- Booted Week Four
Ibrehem (10) -- Booted Week Seven
Bobby Jon (19) -- Booted Week Eight
Janu (14) -- Booted Week Ten
Stephenie (7) -- Booted Week Eleven
Gregg (6) -- Booted Week Twelve

Friday, May 06, 2005

Perfect Weekend

What a weekend I am looking forward to!

In today's mail... I received...

1. TWO copies of Stuff Magazine
2. FHM Magazine
3. Maxim Magazine
4. Playboy Magazine
5. Entertainment Weekly.

My life only has one more complication... telling them apart.

Just some random thoughts

1. I attended a meeting today and I realized that I have been in the business long enough now that I can no longer claim that I am the younger guy. It became evident when someone in the room asked a very naive and dumb question. At least... to those that have been in the industry. I laughed at this fella in my head... uncalled for... but still... I laughed at him.

2. I am pretty much rooting for the harshest punishment possible for the Runaway Bride. Fry her. Do whatever it takes. THOUSANDS of dollars were spent searching for her. Perhaps millions. Countless HOURS of media coverage were dedicated. Her husband was taken in for questioning and put through a lie detector test and she might not even get charged? What a crying shame.

3. I work with someone who is a bit older and for some reason thinks that all cell phones are crappy. When he is talking to someone on a cell phone, you can hear his conversations all the way down the hallway. Come on man... stop yelling!

4. I am still a Yankees fan. It's um... just a slump.... I swear...

5. Why is it that every time I plan to cook out on the grill for a group of people, it rains? I really need to know this.

6. ER continues to slide into an abyss of hell and crap. Last night was no exception.

7. Greatest American Hero -- Season TWO is even better than the first season! WOO HOO!!!

8. Have a great weekend... please don't support anything with J-Lo in it. Thank you.

Thursday, May 05, 2005

I Followed Through!!!

Last night muh wife and I were watching The World Poker Tour...

Ok.. that is a slight fib. I was watching intently the World Poker Tour while muh wife did her best impression of a pirate and literally watched part of it with one eye open. (That creeps me out on so many levels.)

All of a sudden... they announce that there is a FAN CLUB!!!

I just signed up. I love the World Poker Tour... and now... I can add fan club member to my resume...

I just hope that muh wife will include it in my obituary when I die....

A Missed Opportunity

I am now sitting in my office writing a blog.

I don't normally do this... as I am a diligent employee that likes to accomplish lots of stuff and be the best employee ever....

BUT... I feel as though I might have the ability to do this as I wasn't supposed to be in the office today. I was supposed to be at jury duty. I called last night and they didn't want me to come in.

My number was extremely close to the number as I just missed the cut.

I may be weird, but I was looking forward to jury duty. I have never been called before and I wouldn't have minded going.

I am all about process. I have studied processes for years and even majored in Political Science and History in college. I wanted to see how the court system worked in this case.

I have been to municipal court many times (thanks to a "lead" foot) but it doesn't even scrape the surface of how juries and the likes work.

I am feeling a bit down... I was going to spend that $5 all in one spot!

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

Guess What?

Today is one of those days where I don't wanna be bothered.

Yeup... not at all.

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

Top Five Tuesday

Top Five Reasons Why XXX Didn't Do Too Good This Week
1. The Pacifier limited Vin's ability to star in this follow up.
2. Nobody can speak good English.
3. The Nerds didn't wanna see stuff blow up. They went to Nerdfest Prequel a.k.a. Hitchhiker's Guide instead.
4. Because Ice Cube should be smoking joints with Chris Tucker... not blowing stuff up.
5. It sucked.

Top Five Reasons Why I Should Renew My Subscription to Playboy
1. The articles
2. Those knee slappingly funny cartoons in the back.
3. To find the bunny on the cover... that is a blast.
4. Naked boobs.
5. The FREE gifts!!! (They aren't as good as those old Sports Illustrated football phones... but hey... why not!!?!?)

Top Five Wastes of Paper that Unnecessarily Killed a Few Trees
1. The Starr Report
2. Everything that comes from the Presidential Press Office about Social Security.
3. All the cases and briefs filed during the Terry Schiavo debate.
4. ANything related to the woman who ran away from her wedding.
5. All the steroid testimony in front of the grandstanding Congress.

Top Five Ways To Waste Paper and Kill a Tree
1. Office wastepaper basketball.
2. Interoffice Memos on Food Choices
3. Have Bush write the word "nuclear" over and over again until he can say it correctly.
4. Keep track of all the times you hear something stupid come out of the mouth of some important influential leader.
5. Printing out muh blogs.

Top Five CDs That I Knew Wouldn't Sell on Ebay... but I Tried Selling Them Anyway.
1. Shaggy - Hot Shot
2. Boys on the Side Soundtrack
3. Bounce Soundtrack
4. Smash Mouth CDs
5. Salt 'N' Pepa - Very Necessary
* Honorable Mention -- La Bouche

Monday, May 02, 2005

Things You Should Know About the Smelmooo

After a long time away from the fray of letting you delve into the mind of the Smelmooo, he is back... with more insight then you are probably craving.

1. The Smelmooo is just not a fan of working anymore. He had an incredible time yesterday getting back to his house with Tucker in tow and his lovely wife at his side. He enjoyed just sitting around playing with the dog and falling in and out of conciousness while the Yanks lost again and the cars piled up in accidents at Talladega in Alabama. How much more perfect of a day can you have?

2. The Smelmooo found a really funny website today. It is also pretty sad. www.votefortheworst.com It encourages you to vote for Scott Sabol in American Idol. The site is pretty much dedicated to wrecking the show of American Idol and the Smelmooo hates to say it... but he can't endorse this site enough.

3. The Smelmooo has been playing poker in AC whenever he has been down there ever since he broke his public poker playing cherry a few months ago in Vegas. This week, he convinced his wife to play with him. She kicked some major booty and came away with more moolah than the Smelmooo. Go wifey go!

4. The Smelmooo is holding on to a pair of tickets for two awesome shows this summer. The first is a pair of tickets to the upcoming U2 show at the Continental Airlines Arena in the Meadowlands. The second is a pair of tickets to the Neil Diamond concert at MSG. His summer is complete.

5. Challenge of the Superfriends has been such a sweet memory riddled fun time. Thank you Superman, Wonder Woman, Batman, Robin, Flash, Apache Indian, Aquaman, Green Lantern, Hawk Man, and others... Without you... the world would truly be "sinister" I tried counting for an episode... I counted the use of the word "sinister" 11 times.

6. I ate popcorn for dinner last night. Seriously.

Sunday, May 01, 2005

What a Day...

... it's crappy out... and I am in the office dropping stuff off.

I am still feeling pretty crappy physically...

Muh wife leaves for Detroit tonight after we have been away for a few days...

I guess the positives are for tonight...

We get to see Tucker again... and Challenge of the Superfriends Disk 2 will be there.