Monday, January 31, 2005

Is Your Senator Hot or Not?

Click here... to be a judge...

Cheerleader Toss Game

Thank you to my cousin for pointing this out.

I could play the Cheerleader Toss Game for hours.... and hours...

Or... at least the 25 minutes that I DID play it.

Click here....

Another Survey... The High School Years....

This is the best one I've gotten in a while! I am very curious to see everone's PLEASE fill this one out in the comments section!!!

Hello Friends~
We all must be pretty bored because we keep getting these surveys...remember these days, the high school years...

[What year was it?]

[What were your three favorite bands?]
U2, Hair bands like Warrant, Dokken, and Motley Crue that you could buy a “patch” for, Indigo Girls for the chicks

[What was your favorite outfit?]
You know those funky ass Skidz pants? I LOVED mine. I usually wore some sort of printed t-shirt as well.

[What was up with your hair?]
My hair had a “poof” or a “wave” if you will. It was long and bushy and came down over my eyes in a big poofy wave kind of thing. If you are nice to me, I will share the URL of an address that will get you to it.

[Who were your best friends?]
Mike, Eric, Jamie, Brian, and many of the nerds.

[What did you do after school?]
For the first half of my high school life, I was into sports – soccer and basketball. For the second half, I did a lot acting and plays. A lot… I was a busy beaver. I was also heavily into Forensics… state-champion-ish right here!

[Where did you work?]
I worked for a video store/deli/pizzeria/ice cream shop/convenience store. It was great work… and dangit… I got paid under the table.

[Did you take the bus?]
Bus? Our houses were acres apart from each other. That means that the school bus took an HOUR to get to the school…so I tried NOT to take the bus whenever…

[Who did you have a crush on?]
Maribel… for all four years… I even got to date her for two.

[Did you fight with your parents?]
Not that often… not the way other people fought… I am/was just pretty independent.

[Who did you have a CELEBRITY crush on?]
I really don’t remember… maybe Gloria Estefan… J

[Did you smoke cigarettes?]
Heck no… my balls would have been in a vice.

[Did you lug all of your books around in your backpack all day because you were too nervous to find your locker?]
Screw that! I loved going to my locker… I got to see Jen T. But… I hated seeing April T. Snob.

[Did you have a 'clique'?]
Not really.. I was a nerd that was good at sports and could act… I ran the gamut when it came to friends.

[Did you have "The Max" like Zach Kelly and Slater?]
Felix Diner #9 – Cheese fries with gravy…

[Admit it, were you popular?]
Sure I was… by everyone that cared to know me… and as I said before.. I did enough stuff to get friends… but it all changed…with “Joke of the Day…”

[Who did you want to be just like?]
I never wanted to be like anyone… I want to just be me.

[What did you want to be when you grew up?]
I wanted to be President of the United States… but… as we have seen in the past four years… I am too smart for that job.

[Where did you think you'd be at the age you are now?]

Sunday, January 30, 2005

Don't Harass the Smelmooo

I was just hanging out at work this week when I got an IM on Yahoo from a stranger.

This person was obviously trying to get me to have some cyber sex fun with "her" online... so... I had a little fun.

Yahoo Messenger has a feature that the other messengers don't have yet. They have animated characters that you can click and send to your IM mate. For example, I can click on this surfer type guy and he will say "Duuuude" and his mouth will move with the words. They are fun.

For everything I sent to this person, imagine colorful animated animals performing sounds... (Flippy is a beaver... Toothy is a pink squirrel... Butty is just something weird..and Disco is a lion.)

uniqueloveprinces: hi... anyyone there?
smelmooo: Flippy: Growl!
smelmooo: Flippy: Growl!
uniqueloveprinces: well anyway, guess your not thhere?
smelmooo: i sent an IM .didn't I?
uniqueloveprinces: oh youur there hi...
uniqueloveprinces: a/s/l (agee sex location)?
smelmooo: Flippy: Growl!
uniqueloveprinces: im 27/f/USA. was lookin at your profile. thought you mightt like to chat.
smelmooo: Flippy: Growl!
uniqueloveprinces: so what have you been up to smeelmooo?
smelmooo: Toothy: Yawn
uniqueloveprinces: cool. i wass just hangin out watching tv. i was getting kinda horny (*blushes)
smelmooo: Flaky: Hi!uniqueloveprinces: feel like a little cyber fun with me ? please pplease...
smelmooo: Nutty: Sugar High!
smelmooo: Disco: Roar

For some reason... I stopped getting IMs from him/her at this point.

The least you could do is spell my name right!!! smeelmooo! pushaw...

Saturday, January 29, 2005

Happy Things Today

1.. It is Barbara's birfday...w ay to be.

2. We have a metal shower caddy and the soap is put on a "shelf" that is essentially four thin strips of metal. When the wet soap is put on the shelf, the strips of metal sink into the bar of soap ever so slightly. In the morning, the soap is dry and the indentations in the soap are scratchy. I love that 4 seconds of scratching.

3. I am going to a Rutgers basketball game today where they are the underdogs, but it is at the RAC -- one of the most feared placed to play in the country.

4. Muh wife and I are going to go visit Target to buy furniture for the 3 Season room... how cool is that?

5. Even with all the snow on the ground and with breath I could see, it was still nice being outside today as there were birds chirping.

It's the simple things... really...

Friday, January 28, 2005

Funny Radio?

I was driving to work today and I was listening to Howard Stern on the radio. Yes... I like listening to Howard Stern... would I buy a Sirius radio and follow him to satellite? No... but he entertains me.

This morning... I found him especially entertaining.

I was listening to a segment of his in which a woman was competing against Fred Norris to win $10,000. I had listened intently to her answers and then I pulled into the parking lot at work. I still had 20 minutes before I was SUPPOSED to be in the office so I decided to continue to brave the 0 degree weather and listen to Fred's turn.

Fred came on the air and answered all the questions correctly and won the contest. I didn't really care so much but it was still some funny radio.

Apparently... 6 other guys and 2 women thought so too... because after the game was over, we all got out of our cars at the exact same time. It was almost surreal.

Here I was... waiting the five extra minutes to hear the end of a segment and so were all these other people. We all kind of looked at each other knowlingly and didn't really say anything about it.

This also reminds me of the time I was driving down a major interstate and got stuck in a major traffic jam. I was listening to a now defunct non-satellite radio program (Let me give you a hint -- it is no longer on because of St. Patrick's Cathedral.) and was laughing at whatever was being said.

So was the guy in the car to the right of me and the woman to the left of me. We all seemed to bond over that laugh.

It's amazing that when you are in your own little private domain of a vehicle that outside forces can still penetrate your fiefdom. I was laughing with the other kings and queens on the New Jersey Turnpike... just as I had with the other employees this morning.

God bless the radio... I hope the medium never dies....

Word of the Day?

This is my word of the day? Merriam-Webster is reeeeeaaallllly stretching this word of the day stuff...

The Word of the Day for Jan 28 is:
hotdog \HAHT-dog\ verb

: to perform in a conspicuous or often ostentatious manner; especially : to perform fancy stunts and maneuvers

Example sentence:
"He stripped the ball..., flew downcourt and slammed it into the basket, hotdogging all the way." (Diane Shah, ESPN, December 2000)

Thursday, January 27, 2005

Why I am a Raiders Fan...

I am often asked the following question(s).

Why are you an Oakland Raiders fan? You have been one ever since I remember yet, you are a white, non gangsta, New Jersey born and bred guy... so what is the connection with the Raiders?

I have been accused of being a bandwagon jumper. I have been accused of many things throughout my life but a bandwagon jumper has never been something I have done... except on television shows... like Twin Peaks.

I have old jersies and really really really old baseball caps that have the Raiders logo on them. I watch the Oakland Raiders whenever they are on the television. I make sure that they are the first team I look up on Sunday night if I have been away all day. I try to NEVER pick any Raiders for my fantasy teams because I do not want to rely on my team as I will be doubly disappointed if they fail.

I am 31 years old and I can pinpoint the exact moment of when I became a Raiders fan...

The answer is really simple actually... I was at a "party" for the 1981 Super Bowl between the Oakland Raiders and the Philadelphia Eagles.

I vaguely remember that there were people that were cheering for the Eagles rather loudly as the part of New Jersey I was from had a very heavy Philadelphia attachment. Being the pain in the ass that I am, I rooted for the Raiders and never stopped.

It has been almost a 25 year journey with the Raiders and although they sucked again this year, I will be putting all my energy into rooting for the Patriots as I cannot stand to see the Eagles win anything... it is in my nature.

(and yes... I know the Patriots knocked the Raiders out of theplayoffs three years ago because of that stupid tuck rule... but dammit... I would rather the team that knocked my team out win then another team.... at least my team lost to the best team! Dumb logic..but it is my logic...)

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

Governer Codey's Plea

I was watching the coverage of our recent blizzard... when I saw a press conference with our Acting Governor Richard Codey.

It was on Sunday... the day after and he said...

"I am glad to see that people heeded my advice and made it a family night. I expect in nine months that there will be lots of babies named Codey."


Product Placements at the Movies -- A Story of Abuse

Muh wife and I braved the elements this weekend to check out the ne flick "In Good Company" starring Dennis Quaid and "One Trick Pony" Topher Grace. I will not be giving a review of this movie on this site -- check out Smokable Clown for that humdinger.

What I want to discuss is the use of product placements. I have seen the blatant use of product placements in television and movies for years now. I get the process. A company such as Apple donates money and props to a production in exchange for free advertising by having its products in a fairly obvious and well scene scenario in the production.

It makes the production money... and I am not against it fundamentally.

However... In Good Company abused the hell out of product placement that it almost detracted from the superb film as a whole.

Off the top of our heads when we got back to the house... muh wife and I quickly tallied the products that were so blatantly obvious in the film.

They included a Diet Coke being used to ice a black eye when no ice was anywhere in the house.

They included the use of a Mastercard at a Target when a purchase needed to be made.

They included an Amstel Light that was actually turned while on the counter and table so the label could be seen inthe shot.

They included a delivery from Domino's Pizza when a tray of baked ziti was dropped and finally they included a scene where the lead and his assistant had a total of three Starbucks coffees in their hands for a four minute scene... not to mention a close up of him chugging the coffee.

That is all we could quickly come up with... I wonder how many more there were... these weren't that obvious...

What is your favorite product placement?

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

Top Five Tuesday - All Snow Edition

Top Five Reasons Why Snow is Fun
1. You can use it as an excuse to sit on your ass all day.
2. You have to stay warm.
3. You get to use a snow blower and watch snow smash against the side of your house.
4. We used some of our new appliances and tools that we don't normally use.
5. it is so much fun watching our next door neighbors about 8 and 4 try using their 3 foot sleds on a 3 foot hill.

Top Five Things We Watched on Television During the "Blizzard"
1. The second disk of the first season of Arrested Development. 8 episodes of hilarity. I wish I had started watching this show from the beginning.
2. Lord of the Rings -- The Return of the King - Special Extended Edition. The movie topped out at 4 hours and 22 minutes. I haven't watched any of the extras yet.
3. Iron Jawed Angels -- An HBO movie about suffragist Alice Paul and her movement. Incredible movie.
4. Richard Jeni's A Big Steaming Pile of Me -- I watched it three times... and I pulled out an earlier concert of his as well. He just cracks me up.
5. Football -- Go Patriots. Anyone but the Eagles... please...

Top Five Things I Can Say Were Great About Moving 18 Inches of Snow From the Driveway and Sidewalks
1. We got to use our new snowblower. I estimate that it saved me 90 minutes of work.
2. I got one hell of a I had completely sweat(ed) through two layers of shirts.
3. I got to spend a lot of time chatting with my next door neighbor.
4. All that hard work made my HOT shower that much more satisfying.
5. I got to see my other next door neighbor wearing her mumu... a heavy winter coat... and blowing snow.

Top Five Foods We Snuck into Our Bellies This Snowbound Weekend
1. Homemade Pizza
2. Homemade Ice Cream
3. Yellowfin Tuna
4. Turkey & Cheese on a muffin
5. Doritos

Top Five People I Want to See Snowbound in a Cabin in a Far Off Country
1. Condoleeza Rice
2. George W. Bush
3. Jennifer Lopez
4. Scott Peterson
5. William Shatner.

Top Five Alternate Colors I Suggest For Snow
1. Yellow
2. Black
3. Fuscia
4. Mocha
5. Yellow -- It is my favorite color... as I love writing my name...

THe Worst Day of the Year

This sure explains a lot about yesterday....

Click Here...

Monday, January 24, 2005

Why I Am Not Pleased With Boston/New England Right Now

Three out of the last four Super Bowls.

Their first championship since 19..whatever...

They are just ... hogs... hogs I tell you.

Why I Hate Watching Sports Interviews

This past weekend, I was reminded as to why I hate to watch interviews with coaches and players after sporting events.

I was sure to watch the two Conference Championship games this past weekend as muh wife and I were proverbial snowed in.

I watched some of the pre-game stuff for the Eagles/Falcons game and then I watched some of the post-game stuff for the Patriots/Steelers game.

And ... I dread having done it.

These interviews offer the viewer absolutely nothing. They offer the networks and the players to say the exact same thing over and over and over again. Let me show you what I mean...

TV Reporter -- "Coach...what do you have to do to win today's game?"
Coach -- "Well ... we have to make sure that we play some tough defense and see what we can do on offense. Running the ball is key but we have to also throw the ball."

Are you kidding me? Aren't those the three main things that you have to do to win a football game?

How about after the game?

TV Reporter -- "Coach, why were you able to win the game today?"
Coach -- Well... we played some tremendous defense and we were able to run and pass the ball successfully."

YOU DID NOT JUST SAY THAT?!?!!? I guess you did...

If it weren't for Terry Bradhsaw's goofy interviews with players where he asks them inane questions essentially making the player pick one of two options, I wouldn't watch the interviews at all! I say that we start a letter writing campaign to the networks asking them to stop interviewing players... it wastes my time and brain cells.

For example...

"Dear Network...

Please stop having reporters ask coaches and players questions on, before or after the game. It really bores me to hear the same thing over and over and over again. If I wanted that... I would watch an episode of Gilmore Girls or something... blah blah blah blah...

Thank you for your immediate attention to this matter.


The Smelmooo

P.S. I will pay dearly for the Gilmore Girls reference... oh yes I will."

Sunday, January 23, 2005

Sometimes... I Love a Good Blizzard

It is an absoluterly gorgeous day today.

It was our first really big snowfall of the year at our house and we had a great time being completely snowed in. We got what my neighbors and I think are 18 inches of snow and we are all dug out as of 11:45 this morning!


I was able to use the new snow blower that we got and I am proud to say that it saved a million years on my back. I still had to shovel some as the snow blower can't go everywhere that we want it to go, but hey... them's the breaks.

The Smelmooo also needs to give a major shout out to his wife who did a fantastic job with the shoveling, "brooming", and car cleaning... without her help, the process would have gone on for another hour.

I think the rest of the day will now be filled with football and fun.

Get out and enjoy the day folks!

It is gorgeous...

Saturday, January 22, 2005

Why I Love Nudity and Email lists...

As a subrscriber to the Barenaked Ladies official website and mailing list, I sometimes get some fun emails from the Canadian boys. They keep me up to date on their new records and when they will be making guest appearances places.

They were recently signed for a television show and I reported that on the website when it happened over the summer. It looks like it is finally going to be coming to fruition!

I recently received this email.

"The Barenaked Ladies are currently in Los Angeles filming the pilot for their TV show. They would like to invite the first 500 people to show up on Tuesday January 25 to be audience members for the taping. Details are as follows:Date: Tuesday Jan. 25th Time: 6:30 pm Location: Avalon Club at 1735 N. Vine Ave. Hollywood CA Come early as only the first 500 will get in!"

How awesome is that!?!?!?

Anyway... this is one of two reasons why I wished I lived in southern California this week.

1. BNL Show.
2. It was NINE degrees when I went to the store this morning... NINE. Forget about the foot of snow we might get... NINE.

Stay Warm....even if it is with your Barenaked Ladies.

Friday, January 21, 2005

Credit Cards at the Fast Food Joints

I may become a wacky Chicken Little type character to most of you after this blog... or... you will just shake your head and give me a proverbial pat on the head.... like... "Good Smelmooo... now be quiet... you silly man..."

I have been worried for some time about the proliferation of credit cards in our society. It isn't really the credit cards that worry me so much -- it is more of the "credit" that worries me.

We have a standard in our society where we use a common paper money to trade and barter goods and services with each other. When I get a piece of that green paper, I recognize that it represents a value established by the United States government and, as a citizen of the United States, I accept the value.

To put it tangibly, the money used to represent gold but we went off the gold standard some years ago. Now, it represents "the full faith and credit of the United States government." The paper itself really has no worth, but it does represent a net worth if you will. I can take the $20 bill to the federal government and they will somehow honor this $20 bill.

WIth that said... money represents an abstract concept...a concept that 99.99 percent of the people in the United States accept.

With that said... credit represents money. I use my credit card in the local store and Visa or Mastercard offers the store money on behalf of me. The goods that the cards provide is an abstract concept itself.

Therefore... credit is an abstract concept of an abstract concept. With credit, you have officially taken the paper money, the first step withdrawn from value and replaced it with the idea of money.

I find this dangerous... but necessary. There may come a time when society completely rejects the paper money and replaces it with the credit/debit card.

I once heard someone say that we should move to a society where all we have is a card that debits and credits one big account... and get rid of money... oh boy... that is even scarier to me. Nothing will hold any value any more in our society and you will see the eventual collapse of society...

My brain officially hurts now... and to think... this whole line of reasoning all started when I noticed a sign on the local Wendy's -- "Now accepting credit cards!!" It disturbed me. That was one of the worlds of commerce where cash was essential.

Thursday, January 20, 2005

Super Bowl Boxes.

Don't forget to get yours!

Click here.

Death... on the job...A Simplistic Reflection...

I work at a place in which there is a lot of interaction with people. I have members that I report to and I spend a lot of time on the phone and at meetings with these people. Over time, you get to know these folks and you invest a lot of your emotions in how they respond to your actions. It becomes a necessary part of the job.

I also work for a place in which I have to represent a larger contingency of members at events throughout the state and the country.

When people that are important to my job die or relatives of these people die, I generally go on behalf of the group to express our condolences. I go to about 30 or 40 of these a year and it never gets easier with any of them. I am like many people and I just don't like to go to these things. I will never go to a funeral until it becomes a family member or good friend, but I go nonetheless because I almost always know the person that passed away's family.

For each of these passings, I have also typed up the announcement that is sent out to all of our members. I include the information about the funeral home, mass, and church. I feel sorry for the person I know, but for the most part, the information just sort of proverbially goes in one ear and out the other.

However, I recently had to go to a wake for a 48 year old person that I was working with on a monthly basis. He was diagnosed with a brain tumor a few months ago and just sort of waited until it was time to go. On Monday, he passed away.

I am not going to sit and write a tribute to him here as I didn't know him too well, but I knew him well enough that his death has affected me in a way I wasn't expecting.

As most of you know, I was recently married and I began muh new life with muh wife. We have a great life and are still enjoying the fun, simple nights and each other's company. I can't imagine what would happen one day if I came home diagnosed with a brain tumor. What would I do... what haven't I done? What things would I want to do that I would never do... ? Although we recently purchased some life insurance and have begun our savings for retirement... these questions seem beyond the scope of my ability to comprehend.

So many questions ... so many without answers...

I guess I will do what I always do... Hope that I am prepared and if I am not... wing it... most of all of you probably do the same thing too...

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

I made up a quiz..

I made a Quiz for You on
CLICK on the link below or PASTE it into your browser.

let's see who knows me better than my wife...

Wow... Feeling Old All of a Sudden...

In the movie I watched... there is a young girl (looked about 16) who referred to Corey Feldman's character as DAD.

When the hell did I get old?


Yeah... I haven't done one of these suckers in a long time. I think this one is fun...I guess we should all thank Karen for this glorious contribution to yours and my life. I encourage you all to answer these in the comments section. I dare you.


1. Are you an innie or an outie ?
Innie -- Anything else would be uncivilized.

2. Have you ever worn bell-bottoms?
I can proudly say that I never have worn them -- in reality, in jest, or as a costume...

3. Have you ever written a song?
Yes... believe it or not... but my buddy and I were in college and at 4:00 am, we wrote a song called. "Your Mother is a Hermaphrodie." That's right... you read it correctly. It was a popular song and came out years before that South Park Who is Cartman's Father? episode.

4. Can you make change for a dollar right now?
I can never make change for a dollar. I really hate what I consider to be called "Old Man Jingle" Old Man JIngle is when a guy gets really old and he wears his pants over and over again...and for some reason..never emptied his pockets. The pants then jingle and jingle and jingle. Come on... you all know someone like that!

5. Have you ever been in the opposite sex's public toilet?
On a regular basis actually. I go to this deli sometimes and the guy's bathroom is always broken. Thus... I have to use the women's bathroom.

6. Have you ever smelled your own feet?
You gotta be kidding me...this is a question? though this is something weird? Of course I do...

7. Do you like ketchup on or beside your fries?
I don't care as long as it isn't POURED onto the fries.

8. Can you touch your tongue to your nose?
Hell yeah! It is a great party trick, but I always seem to get caught without a tissue when I do this. That is bad.. as I inevitably get my own spit all over my lip.

9. Have you ever been a boy/girl scout?
I never made it to Boy Scout... but I was a Webelos. I wanted to play soccer... Boy Scouts would have goten in the way.

10. Have you ever broken a mirror?
I can actually say that I don't know. If I did... I used up all the bad luck as 2004 was my best year yet.

11. Have you ever put your tongue on a frozen pole?
Oh god... no... I knew that I wouldn't be able to touch my nose if I ever lost it. I didn't want to take that risk.

12. What is your biggest pet peeve?
I am pretty sure that it is smoking.. but this blog may expose more.

13. Do you slurp your drink after it's gone?
Not regularly... but I do it to annoy people... especially if it was something that that other people wanted... note ... the ED in wanted.

14. Have you ever blown bubbles in your milk?
Dumb question... as an adult... every chance I get...keeps ya young.

15. Would you rather eat a Big Mac or a Whopper?
I would have said Whopper until I saw Super Size Me... now I say... neither...

16. Have you ever gone skinny-dipping?
Yeup.. No more explanation needed...

17. When you are at the grocery store, do you ask for paper or plastic?
I use plastic, because I use the bags in packaging my eBay items. They serve a purpose.. otherwise I would still get the plastic but I would recycle them.

18. True or false would you rather eat pizza than steak?
False -- A good juicy steak is a perfect meal.

19. Did you have a baby blanket?
I really don't remember. I probably did though.

20. Have you ever tried to cut your own hair?
I have.cut my own hair before, but the more interesting story was when I set up a barbership under the deck at my next door neighbor's house. Between Chris F. and myself, we must have destroyed the haircuts of about 8 or 9 kids -- including muh brothers. I got in some trouble for that. APparently... 10 year olds (I think that is how old I was) should "know better."

21. Have you ever sleepwalked?
On purpose? Yes... *wink* *wink* Because I have a problem? I don't think so.

22. Have you ever had a birthday party at McDonalds?
Again... I really don't remember. I am pretty sure that I have been to a bunch of them.

23. Can you flip your eye-lids up?
No, but Jimmy Sullivan used to do it and it used to annoy the crap out of me. Dman those bloodshot eyelids...Damn them all!!!

24. Are you double jointed?
No..but it is a dream of mine...

25. If you could be any age, what age would you be?
I like where I am right now... everything is perfect...

26. Have you ever got gum stuck in you hair?
I think that is what spawned the aforementioned barber shop.

27. Have you ever thrown up after a roller coaster ride?
I try not to go on rollercoasters... That way... I don't have to know.

28. What is your dream car?
A 2003 Blue Buick LeSabre....

29. What is your favorite cartoon of all time?
As an adult... South Park. As a child... Star Blazers.

30. Would you go swimming in shallow waters where, one year earlier, a shark had attacked a child?
Give me a break...

31. Have you ever eaten a dog biscuit?
Yes... Crap... now i feel I owe an explanation. I made some money.

32. If so, would you eat another one?
Sure... for a bunch more money....

33. If you were in a car sinking in a lake, what would you do first?
This is another dumb question... I would call upon the powers of "Jason" and have him arise from the dead and bring me to the surface... (What ws more stupid.. the answer or the question?)

34. Have you ever ridden in an ambulance?
Yeup... twice.

35. Can you pick something up with your toes?
Yes..I especially like to use that talent when I drop popcorn on the floor.

36. How many remote controls do you have in your house?
I can think of about 9 or 10. Five for the living room alone. Universal my ass...

37. Have you ever fallen asleep in school?
Here's the funny thing... it ws during New Jersey Politics. Every week on Friday from 8 to 12.

38. How many times have you flown in an airplane in the last year?
6 times... 4 for our honeymoon.

39. How many foreign countries have you visited?
Before October, it would have been one. Now... I am up to 5 -- Greece, Italy, Croatia, Germany, and Canada.

40. If you were out of shape, would you compete in a triathlon if you were somehow guaranteed to win a big, gaudy medal?

41. Would you rather be rich and unhappy, or poor and happy?
Poor and happy. I've never been rich and unhappy, but I've been poor and happy and it's not so bad. (copied directly from Karen.)

42. If you fell into quicksand, would you try to swim or try to float?
I would try to float. I learned it from Days of our Lives. Tony Demieria tried it... he eventually sank...but then.. years later...he was alive... so I guess quicksand isn't so bad... TV told me so...

43. Do you ask for directions when you are lost?
Unlike the stereotype... I do... as I hate sitting in the car longer than I have to.

44. Have you ever had a Mexican jumping bean?
My new nephew has the last name Bean... he likes to jump... but sadly.. he isn't Mexican... so NO.

45. Are you more like Cinderella or Alice in Wonderland?
There is so much danger in answering this question...especially with how feels about me.

46. Would you rather have an ant farm with no ants or a box of crayons with broken points?
An ant farm... without ants... I just don't have the energy to color or take care of pets.

47. Do you prefer light or dark bread?
I don't care... as long as it has roast beef, cheese, and tomato on it.

48. Do you prefer scrambled or fried egg?
Fried eggs are the best... (Insert my brain on drugs here.)

49. Have you ever been in a car that ran out of gas?
No, but I really think there is someone in my life who is afraid I will one when it gets below half...I better fill up soon!

50. Do you talk in your sleep?
I don't know... what a lame last question...and what a lame answer...

Have a nice Day.

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

One of my favorite words...

... was today's word of the day..

The Word of the Day for January 18 is:

fiduciary \fih-DOO-shee-air-ee\ adjective
: of, relating to, or involving a confidence or trust: as
a : held or founded in trust or confidence b : holding in
trust c : depending on public confidence for value or currency

Top Five Tuesday...

Welcome to a shortened version of Top Five Tuesday... all topic suggestions were made by the Smelmooo's lovely wife. Thank you lovely wife.

Top Five Reasons that Jets Lost on Sunday

1. Chad Pennington cannot connect with his players. Hopefully, people will start to see him for the mediocre fella that he is.
2. O'Brien missed a field goal... or two...
3. I am a firm believer that the Jets do NOT want the Jets to win. I don't know a single Jets fan that was happy when they beat the Chargers -- a team they were NOT supposed to beat. I think it is engrained in them to complain and not be happy with a win.
4. They didn't want to lose to the Patriots again. Wow... those Patriots are going to tear the Steelers apart.
5. I watched it... and I wanted to see the Steelers lose....thus... I can't have what I want.

Top Five Reasons Why Brad and Jennifer Really Broke Up

1. Bennifer stole all their thunder.
2. Rumor has it that Jennifer is moving in with her hairdresser... umm... ok.
3. Brad couldn't take being with Classy Jennifer Aniston and wants to date white trash babe Angelina Jolie.
4. Brad is moving in with George Clooney as they have fooled the world and are really just gay lovers. Expect Oceans 69 any day now.
5. Isn't that enough really?... alright... it's because the Chargers lost to the crappy Jets.

Top Five Things I Would Rather Do Then Watch American Idol

1. Perform on American Idol... and we all know that ain't happening.
2. Pull out each of my finger nails with a rusty wrench and then... pour lemon juice on it.
3. Slide down a razor blade and land in a bucket of feces.
4. Jump through a flaming hoop of fire... poorly.
5. Run around naked in today's 12 degree weather.

Top Five Books and Movies that I KNOW are Bad But I Love Anyway

1. Connie and Carla
2. Anything by Nicholas Sparks
3. Sorority Babes in the Slime Bowl O Rama
4. Stephen King's middle of his career books... like Rose Madder and Dolores Claiborne.
5. Chucky movies...

Monday, January 17, 2005

Watching the Golden Globes -- Running Commentary

Armed with a pen and paper -- what are those? -- I watched the Golden Globes last night with my wife. Here is what I thought....

*Collective groan may commence right now...*

Overall comment -- This was probably the worst directed awards show that I have ever seen. We had shots of the backs of people's heads, shots of people not smiling, shots of people eating, and even shots of people being served their food by waiters. Sarah Jessica Parker chews with her mouth open, Minnie Driver was caught pouring water from a bottle of Evian three times, and the Desperate Housewives cast just love to hug and touch each other... Just poorly done... poorly done...

Biggest reminder that this is going to be a poorly written awards season -- Sideways is a well written movie with some incredible acting and emotion. It is a complex film that sets new ground for smart writing. It is also a movie that centers around a trip to wine country in California... The Golden Globes reminded me that there will be an analogy that will be used way too much. Allow me to paraphrase the analogy from last night... and I guarantee that this will NOT be the last time you hear it. "Sideways is like a bottle of wine... to be enjoyed in its entirety." Come on people... get creative...

As I sat there and watched all that crap, I was reminded that the Hollywood Foreign Press is only 93 people. That's right... 93 people created this mess.

The best part of the night was a Dr. Pepper commercial. There were a few funny ones, but the best one is the guy who does anything for love, but he won't give up his Dr. Pepper. His face is classic when he storms out of the door.

Jamie Foxx was nominated 3 times for 3 different acting gigs last year. He had one win... His speech was annoying me until he cried. My only response to that was... "Oh boy... he is so going to get laid...not because he won, but because he cried in front of millions of people!"

Lisa Marie Pressley presented. She was so stiff that she made a redwood tree look animated. She was either royally stoned, sedated, or a corpse.

You all heard of Spanglish... right? Well... it was NOMINATED!!!! Don't worry... it was just for Best Score.

I was really hoping that Christine Lahti would be a winner. I wanted to hear a joke from her about being in the bathroom the last time she won!

The biggest surprise of the night was Terri Hatcher's surprisingly self deprecating and sweet thank you speech.

Robin Williams was given a lifetime achievement award. They showed many of his best clips over the years. However, how DARE they NOT show any clips from his greatest film -- DEATH TO SMOOCHY!?!?!?!?

For me, the most surreal moment was when dopey Arnold Schwartzenegger and Prince were in the same frame. They were sitting one seat away from each other. Are there two more different people in the world?

Leonardo DiCaprio encouraged the audience to "keep contributing to the tsunami disaster..." Oops...

I am going to be brave here and go on the record. All you naysayers... listen up... Goldie Hawn has NEVER had a single bit of plastic surgery done... EVER. and I mean... EVER!!!

Sunday, January 16, 2005

Leaving Messages - Of Death!!!

Sometimes, I do a jackass thing. I call people and I leave a message. Sometimes when I call people, they are on a list of people that I have to call. I physically write down all the names of the people I want to call into a list format.

I begin by calling the person... I then leave a message. I usually end my phone messages like this.

"...blah blah blah... and I look forward to talking to you soon. Have a great day (insert name here.)"

At this point, I am most likely making a note to myself next to the person's name that reads "1/11/5 -- LM" and as such I look ahead to the next person's name.

The next person's name is now the name that is stuck inside my head so when I say... "Have a great day (insert name here)" -- (insert name here) becomes the next person's name.

My reaction is always the same... "Crap.....please have a function where I can leave the message again" and I cautiously hit the pound sign. When the option of starting over comes on.. I relax and leave another great message that is 100% good now and not 95% good.

When it doesn't have that option... I crawl into a ball and lie in the fetal position under my desk.

A few hours later, when I get the return call from these people, I am never quite sure if they stayed around long enough on the message to hear my gaffe... so I usually play around for a bit to see if they heard it. Most do... and I get to use my incredibly witty personality to get myself out of the mess.

I bring this up because I called someone "Karen" this week... and they didn't have the redo feature... HIS name was Bill.


Saturday, January 15, 2005

National Volunteer Blood Donor Month

How could I go half the month without sharing with you what the month it is!!!!?!?!?!?

National Volunteer Blood Donor Month.... GET OUT!! GIVE RIGHT NOW!!!

Read on for more information.

Blood is traditionally in short supply during the winter months due to the holidays, travel schedules, inclement weather and illness. January, in particular, is a difficult month for blood centers to collect blood donations. A reduction in turnout can put our nation's blood inventory at a critical low.

AABB, in conjunction with America's Blood Centers and American Red Cross, is celebrating National Volunteer Blood Donor Month (NVBDM) 2005 to encourage donors to give or pledge to give blood. The theme for this year's campaign is, once again, "Give Blood…The Gift of Life," which highlights the importance of giving the gift of life through the donation of blood.

In an effort to thank the many blood donors and volunteers who have made life-saving contributions, AABB is pleased to present "A Million Thanks," a five-minute, professionally-produced video. Blood donors rarely have an opportunity to see and hear the remarkable, life-saving effects their donations have. "A Million Thanks" features heartfelt testimonials of children, young adults and other patients, and family members whose lives have been directly touched by life-saving blood transfusions. It is a unique way for recipients to express their gratitude to the anonymous strangers who have changed their lives.

Every day in our country, approximately 38,000 units of blood are required in hospitals and emergency treatment facilities for patients with cancer and other diseases, for organ transplant recipients, and to help save the lives of accident victims. Our goal is to help ensure that blood is available to patients whenever and wherever it is needed because it is the blood on the shelves that helps saves lives.

If you are at least 17 years of age (some states permit younger people to donate with parental consent), weigh at least 110 pounds and meet other donor requirements, you may be eligible to donate blood. Celebrate NVBDM with AABB by "Giving the Gift of Life" and encouraging others to donate as well.

Friday, January 14, 2005

Amazon and Muh iPod Just Don't Know Me at All

I enjoy music.

I enjoy listening to music.

I enjoy giving music as gifts to friends as well.

I am cursed now though and I blame it all on a few people - my sister and muh wife. is a great website for buying music, books and movies for friends. I use it all the time. I primarilly use it to buy gifts for my sister. My sister's taste in music is abhorrent at best as she asks me to buy her this mentally unchallenging crap called Country Music. I don't get it... and if you are a country music fan... and you are my friend... we have some things to discuss. Regardless of my like or dislike of this genre of music, she is the Smelmooo's sistah and I going to buy her what she asked for. has a feature and they use it as a great marketing tool to entice you to buy more music. They look at your old purchases and then inundate you on the front page with similar types of items that you might want to buy. Looking at today, they think I should buy Brooks and Dunn and some other country music person I don't even know. truly doesn't understand me.

This is also prevalent on my iPod. Ichabod iPod is a joint item between the super charming Smelmooo and his lovely wife. It includes the music of BOTH of our CD collections. Smelmooo's wife has a limited number of CDs but the singer she had far more than any other was Ani DiFranco. If you aren't familiar with Ani, let's just say that she is a bit to the "left" and a tad feminist (nothing wrong with that...). In fact, I often hear feminists talk how she might be a little out there. They have even referred to her music as Lesbian Love Music.

That's fine. I completely respect the singer and her music and I don't mind her in small doses, but Ichabod iPod seems to think that we want to hear her all the time. It is quite the culture shock when we are on shuffle and we go from the classic Cinderella -- Don't Know What You've Got Til Its Gone to 32 Flavors... It is just shocking.

I didn't really mind any of this at all... until this week when took the time to send me an email suggesting that I would like to buy the latest Ani DiFranco CD because I had purchased an Indigo Girls CD in the past (4 years ago to be exact.)

Now... I am depressed... I am feeling almost betrayed by Ichabod and They just don't know me at all.

They think I Am a Country Music Loving Lesbian...


Thursday, January 13, 2005

Setting Time Ahead...STOP IT

I was at a meeting recently. It was in the South and I spent a good 2.5 hours on the road getting to the meeting -- watching the clock the entire way as I wanted to arrive on time. The meeting lasted 25 minutes and it took another 1.75 hours to make it to the office.

Quite a fun morning.

For the entire morning, I was aware of the time. I was aware that it was an important meeting and I needed to be there on time (I ended up being 20 minutes early) and I was aware of how long we were deliberating for during the meeting. Time meant a lot.

At one point during the meeting, I looked over at the watch of a peer and noticed that it was about 15 minutes later than I guessed it should have been. I was right. His watch was 13 minutes fast. When we went back out to the parking lot, I hung around outside his car until he turned it on. Sure enough... the clock inside his car was 13 minutes fast.

He is obviously one of those people that sets their clocks ahead of time thinking it will help them be on time. I beg to differ.

This is a mentality that I just do not understand. I will look at it logically... as I always do. When muh wife and I started hanging out, I quickly learned that she was one of these people. The clock was never right and I would have to do the addition or subtraction in order to figure out the right time in order to leave or whatever. It was especially frustrating when I was working on something and I needed the few extra minutes to finish but when I looked at the clock with the incorrect time, I would rush when it wasn't necessary.

Regardless of my own lack of desire to do the calculations, I still don't get it. You know the clock is 13 minutes fast. You actively set all the clocks in your world to be 13 minutes fast... how the hell does it help you? I BET that when you look at the clock and see that it says 1:00 and you plan on leaving... you immediately say to yourself... it is 12:47, I still have time. Why even do it when you KNOW exactly what time it is anyway? How does that really help you not be late?

Aside from the just not getting it, I have another thought about this. It is stupid purely because it requires that you do math. When I look at a clock of mine... I see that it is 1:00... I accept that and I move on. When this peer of mine looks at his clock and he sees that it is 1:00, he thinks... hrm... 1:00 minus thirteen minutes is ... carry the one... remove the nine...convert to minutes.... 12:47! I still have 13 minutes to get there! Let me sit around some more!

I digress... I challenge anyone ... including muh honey... who does this with their clocks to make a coherent explanation about how it is helpful to you. I just don't get it and I will probably have questions for you.

P.S. My peer was 10 minutes late for the meeting.

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

Rating Movies: The Smelmooo Way

A few of my friends and I have started a new blog. It is called Smokable Clown. It is a site of reviews and thoughts of how we are feeling on different things in the entertainment at the time. I really recommend keeping it on your regular reading list as all of us really do have a different perspective on what we are reading and watching nowadays.

Here is my latest entry... to give you a flavor of what is going on.

The website is

Give it a shot... even if you are afraid of clowns.


It occurs to me that when I rate movies to friends, I don't generally give them a 1 or 2 or 3 or 4 star rating. I try to figure out what they like and adapt the rating to them. For example, Dawn of the Dead is a pretty good movie with some cool special effects, but if you aren't into fun horror movies then this might not be your type of movie.

How do you quantify your opinions like that?

To put it into perspective, I would give Lord of the Rings - The Return of the King the same rating I would to Ghostbusters. I think they are both completely perfect films, but for much different reasons.

I decided long ago to rate movies in a different manner -- one that suits my way of thinking and still applies actual worth to a film. You will see that the system is essentially a star system but it is more of a real world way of saying what I want to say and enables me to add caveats.

1. Full Price -- The movie was so good -- whatever kind of movie it was -- that I would recommend that you sneak out right now and see it... no matter what it costs. I would even say that if you had to go on a Friday night with everyone else in the world, it would be completely worth it for you. Full price is a big honor.

2. Matinee -- The movie is good. You should see it. You would like it, but I am not quite sure you would love it... so I don't want to be the guy that told you to go see a movie and made you pay full price... Matinees are always good to see... you see a movie and still feel like you saved a few bucks.

3. DVD -- DVDs on average come out 5-7 months after the movie was in the theaters. This level signifies that it was an ok movie, but if you miss it in the theaters, don't sweat it. DVD is good enough... especially in this world of Netflix when it won't cost you much to see it anyway.

4. Cable -- Movies almost always come out on cable one full year after they are released. It is really recommended that you wait that long to see this piece of drivel.

5. Regular TV -- They release stuff on regular television after removing all the bad words, violence and nudity, a few years after it comes out. Seriously... you can wait that long.

6. Ugh... (Self explanatory.)

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

eBay Member Profile for ocean***ocean

I think this guy qualifies as a guy who completely lost it.***ocean&items=-1&item=-1&de=off

Top Five Tuesday -- All Request Edition

Top Five Screen Actors Guild Nomination Disappointments & Surprises (Thanks Shari.)
1. James Garner for his tremendous Supporting Actor work in THE NOTEBOOK! Go Nicholas Sparks... this is the credibility you need!!!!
2. Barry Pepper was nominated for his portrayal of Dale Earnhardt. How did anything from this SH*Tfest get nominated? Man...
3. Sopranos nominations - The show continues to go on the decline and I cannot condone rewarding the actors anymore for the crap they are in. Yet... I will still watch it when the next season comes out....maybe...just maybe... they will film a scene in Metuchen.
4. Desperate Housewives -- This crap gets nominated? I don't care if 26 million people like it. 18 liked Melrose Place... it doesn't mean the acting is good.
5. Charlie Sheen was nominated. Now... let's nominate this keyboard....

Top Five Infomercials That You Want to Turn Off, But Can't. (Thanks Jenni)
1. Anything with Ron Popeil actually selling the product.
2. That hair in a can informercial that used to run... I loved it.
3. Any informercial that sells real estate secrets. I can tell you that if I had some awesome secrets... I sure as heck woulnd't be sharing them with anyone.
4. Any infomercial that had that overzealous British or Aussie guy selling me car cleaners... No!!! don't pour sodium bituminewsinate on that car!... oh wait.. you have that cleaner... all is right in the world.
5. That informercial where they sell that very miniblender type thing. I love it when they make two different kinds of desserts in SECONDS!... and... it is easy to clean...

Top Five Songs You Can't Get out of Your Head Once You Have Heard Them (Thanks Jenni)
1. In the Elvis ...
2. Luka by Suzanne Vega...
3. That damn diner and do do do do do do song by Suzanne Vega...
4. Who knows... I can't get 1-3 out of my head!!!
5. Dammit... I still can't..... ARRRRGGGHHHHH!!!!

Top Five Reasons Why Randy Moss is Funny as Heck (Thanks muh Brain)
1. Super Afro
2. He managed to make Joe Buck look like a complete jackass but not doing anything.
3. That moon thing he did was brilliant and if he gets fined for doing something funny like that... someone needs to be shot... I mean.. seriously folks... loosen the hell up.
4. He managed to cause more controversy by essentially pointing to his butt then Mickey Rooney who exposed it for a television ad that you will never see.
5. That afro really needs a second mention.

Top Five Things to Do During a Power Outage (Thanks Dan.)
1. Light up all the candles from your sister in law's wedding five years ago.
2. Make sweet love... down by the river. (Let's see who gets that reference)
3. Talk to your friend on the cell phone because he is trapped in an ATM vestibule with a model (Who gets that one too?)
4. Run through the streets naked. No one will see you anyway. Side note... try and time this with a new moon... not a full moon as your moon will be the only one seen.
5. Eat all the ice cream... all of it.
Honorable mention -- look for band-aids as you inevitably will hurt yourself.

Top Five Reasons Why the Mets Might Actually Win This Year (heh heh...) (Thanks Matt)
1. Pedro Martinez
2. Willie Randolph
3. Their new television network.
4. Carlos Beltran
5. The East sucks

Monday, January 10, 2005

Finding Hope -- Under The Bridge

There have been some times recently when I have been feeling pretty down about stuff.

I don't really have much to feel down about but sometimes... I just feel as though I am being pulled in a million different directions... It is hard to describe why, but with all that is going on across the seas and here in our own communities, I just feel as though the world is a pretty tough place to be in.

It is in these times that I start looking for things that give me hope in the world or things that make me happy.

It hit me as muh wife and I were driving up a major interstate on an extremely rainy Saturday morning that there are breaths of hope the entire ride there. As we booked along at 65 miles per hour, my windshield wipers were going crazy shoving the offending water off the windshield. It was tough for them to keep up with the downpours and ice rain, but the wipers of a Buick are a powerful thing.

I kept wondering to myself if the wipers would have been able to keep up with the rain if it weren't for the bridges that we kept driving under. For a split second, the wipers were given their own reprieve from the crappy weather and pushed nothing out of the way.

The bridges offered the windshield wipers hope...and gave them a chance to be strong. The bridges also offered me hope in an otherwise bleak day. It seemed as though the weather wasn't going to improve and our trip was going to continue to be a driving nightmare... but every once in awhile, I found a glimpse at a quiet place - where all was quiet in the world -- even if it was a slab of asphalt in Somerset County.

Sometimes, it is the small things that we take for granted... sometimes it is the small things that bring us peace and joy.

I then began to think of other small things that make me happy and bring me hope in the world...further identifying that small things are really what are important in this world.

1. Reading a good book.
2. Watching the Lord of the Rings trilogy - extended versions.
3. Driving muh wife to the store where we break up with lists and meet back at a spot in order to save time.
4. Going to the supermarket with muh wife while we deliberately go up and down every aisle looking for stuff and killing time.
5. Watching ebay auctions during the last 12 hours they exist.
6. Having the ability to use a remote control to change all the entertainment options...never having to get up except to pee.
7. Having left over hot dogs that I can eat at lunch the next day.
8. Maxim, Stuff, FHM and Entertainment Weekly magazines.
9. A Fat Koko
10. A foccacio bread sandwich from the Main Street Trattoria

Other times... it is just hearing or seeing things happen that remind me of the order and place of the world.

1. Driving under a bridge in the rain.
2. Smelling the cooking from neighbors' houses when I get home.
3. Getting lost in a good book.
4. Hearing the garbage truck come down the street
5. Seeing a smoker standing outside in the freezing cold.
6. Glancing over at a picture of muh wife
7. Hearing my wife breathe as she sleeps.
8. Getting into bed with the cold sheets, snuggling up and letting myself warm the sheets all around me.
9. Watching an old woman cross the street.
10. Staring at the stars in the countryside.

Sunday, January 09, 2005

Super Bowl Pool Boxes

You know you wanna play...

Chris B has a pool.

Sign up here.

Funny as Heck Websites

I recently got a bunch of funny links that I want to share with you. This is a great Blog for a wasted Sunday afternoon or time at work when you have nothing better to do.

Ninjas are prevalent in this oldie but goodie website. Makes me laugh every time I read it. It is just plain stupid, silly and wrong... but hilarious. Read the hatemail... All I have to say to these people is... DUH!!!

Internet Mammograms are offered here... Not as funny as the last one but it still amuses me to think that someone has the time and inclination to type this sh*t up.

Albino Blacksheep -- I swear that I will never look at a Pokemon the same after this. This is not funny on its own. It becomes instantly hilarious when the music is added.

Jib Jab made a bunch of funny political cartoons during the last debacle... oops... I mean... election. THey also have some great ones about why Santa Claus is grumpy. Worth a view!

Saturday, January 08, 2005

Facts -- One of My Favorite Mass Emails

I get this one all the time. There is a reason. The facts are great.


In the 1400's a law was set forth that a man was not allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb"

Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.

Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

Coca-Cola was originally green.

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska

The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)

The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400

The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:

Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

Only two people signed the Declaration ofIndependenceon July 4th, John Hancock andCharlesThomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace

Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
A. Obsession

Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand

Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All invented by women.

Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey

Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?
A. Father's Day

In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight."

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month .. which we know today as the honeymoon.

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down."
It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"

Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.

~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~

At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow

Friday, January 07, 2005

This is the Best Ear Worm Ever.

Give it a try...

Are People Really This Stupid? - Ebay Style

I love Ebay... I love selling on it.. in fact... I might even argue that Ebay is a drug.... but I need to compile a running list of stupid questions that I am getting.

1. Here is the title of an auction that I have/had up. "Ella and Louis Again 2 CD SEALED (Armstrong Fitzgerald)" The title is the FIRST thing you read when it comes to items. It is what draws you in to look at the rest of the item. A bidder actually asked this question. "Condition of cd?" Apparently, the word SEALED is confusing to some. My answer was -- "As you can see by the title... it is sealed... thus... never used... perfect condition! Good luck and happy bidding." I wonder if she will bid.

2. Another one asked me for a listing of the tracks on the CD. Although I didn't list the tracks, it is VERY simple to find out the names of tracks on a MASS MARKETED CD that was NUMBER ONE at one time in the country. Where do they come from?

3. I was also asked this week if I would end an auction early (1 day left and something I just don't agree with doing..) so that she could buy the item for $3.99. The auction had it listed at $5.25. That's what other people bid it up to. Yeah... I am going to get right on that....

4. I give detailed emails to people after they win. It breaks down all the fees and charges. My favorite questions from these folks are -- "um... so the final total is... $X? (copying exactly what is in print in front of them.)" My answer in my brain is ..."No shit Sherlock.." but I generally respond with ... "That is correct."

Sometimes it actually hurts my brain.


I burned the hell out of my tongue...

Anyone got any suggestions for something I can do to treat this leathery patch I feel all the time?

Thursday, January 06, 2005 - Condom testing reveals best brands - Jan 4, 2005

How "ironic" is it that the Planned Parenthood condom works the worst?

Click Here...

Umm... uh oh... I was Singing Out Loud...

This morning... I arrived at work early. I was wide awake by the time everyone got there and I was walking around some. When everyone arrived, I was in a good mood as the meeting I hosted went much better than I had anticipated.

The problem came when I realized what it was that I was humming and singing. I didn't realize that I was doing it out loud. It was a show tune from the show/movie Singin' in the Rain called Good Morning. It is a fun little ditty that was a funny song in the show. It was appropriate for that but not necessarily a song you sing at 7 in the morning to my constituency.

I am not sure any of them realized what I had done. Crap... I didn't even realize what I had done for a few minutes. I didn't even realize I had done it out loud. Now I wonder... How weird do I look to these people...

I also started to get paranoid... what other songs do I sing out loud and how many of them are also show tunes? I know that I have had a bunch of them in my had since muh honey and I play the soundtrack to Avenue Q whenever we get a chance. Most people would just think those are funny songs and not full fledged showtune songs like...Hello Dolly! or America.

I am a married man but I still enjoy a good show tune or 30... which might explain why Connie and Carla was a better movie than I should have thought it was.

Aside from the entire soundtrack of Avenue Q, I think I might have the inclination to sing a few more out loud if the situation warrants it. For example...

Whenever I go to the store to buy anything over $100, I always seem to start humming..."If I Were a Rich Man" from Fiddler on the Roof...

Whenever I am at a meal and I want more food, I always seem to think of "Consider Yourself" from Oliver!

Whenever someone walks into the room that I think is a tad bit full of him or herself, how can I NOT think of "Hello Dolly!" from the show of the same name?

Show tunes aren't the only things I think of... but these four examples are evidence that I might be one of two things... ABSOLUTELY NORMAL... or a "Show Tune Lover."

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

Negative Feedback

I get so furious when I get a bidder on Ebay that doesn't read the damn instructions and then gets pissed and decides to stall me for a month and then goes and leaves negative feedback.. like a frigging schmuck.

These type of people take all the fun out of everything.

A Night of Movies...

Wow... I don't know what came over us, but muh honey and I watched two/three movies in one day! All three movies received four stars in muh book and I am proud to relate them to you now. :)

(That has to be the best segue in Blog history...)

1. Dawn of the Dead (2004) -- Before muh honey got home, I watched the new version of Dawn of the Dead that was a pretty awesome remake of a horror classic. That has been twice in the past year -- the first being Texas Chainsaw Massacre and now this. As a horror movie afficionado, I am always skeptical about going to see sequels and remakes, which explains why I avoided watching it in the theaters. It turned out to be a lot better than I thought.

My only complaint was that it wasn't as thought provoking as 28 Days Later. Thought provoking? -- you might say... Yes...I would respond. I don't watch zombie films for the blood and guts. I truly watch zombie flicks from a political science perspective. I am always fascinated to see how law and order will be established when the world goes to shit. Dawn of the Dead happeded just as I thought it would... nothing too exciting. 28 Days Later however showed what would happen when different types of people get together. There was the peaceful group and the military group...and then...they collided... and oh...there were also some zombies who weren't discriminating against any of them.

2. Before Sunset -- On the completely other end of the spectrum, we watched this sequel to Before Sunrise in which Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy (who is far more ravishing than she was in the first flick while Ethan Hawke - the evil kickball player from hell -- go ahead...ask me -- was as skinny as a heroin addict) meet after nine years apart. They follow the same formula as the first movie as they get to know each other again and talk for 90 minutes. If you were a fan of the first one... this will not disappoint you. I might even argue that this was better than the first one. I was even completely satisfied with the was the right ending.

3. Evelyn -- Evelyn features Pierce Brosnan as a father in Ireland in 1953 whose wife leaves him and his three children. Under Irish law, the children are placed in an orphanage since there is no mother to take care of them. Through tough times, Pierce Brosnan uses the court system to fight to get them back as the orphanages won't give them back -- especially the super cute daughter Evelyn. The movie stars a list of top notch character actors such as one of my favorites Stephen Rea (Crying Game) and Aidan Quinn. Julianna Marguiles is also in it... being Irish... We didn't know what to expect from this... but it was great...and very uplifting. I shouldn't have made the joke...but thankfully... Pierce didn't dress up like a British housekeeper and call himself Mrs. Doubtfire.

Phew... god bless Netflix....

Tuesday, January 04, 2005


This is insane.

Best Top Five Tuesday of the Year!!!

Top Five Reasons Why New Years Eve Rocked
1. S & L
2. J & B
3. G & J
4. Muh Honey
5. The Ball that dropped at midnight in a Metuchen parking lot.

Top Five Most Best Tasting Items on Our New Year's Eve Menu
1. Turkey Wrapped in Bacon with Sage Grilled Outside
2. Carrot Soup -- Muh honey makes a killer tasting spicy carrot soup.
3. Fondue -- Mix Brie, Swiss, Champagne, Lemon Juice and freshly grated Nutmeg and you have a masterpiece. Pumpernickel bread doesn't hurt it either.
4. Baked Parmesan -- I didn't make many of these but they were popular with whomever got one. It had a dollop of Goat cheese in the middle.
5. Pigs in a Blanket -- This always has to make the list... no matter what.

Top Five Remedies/Suggestions For This Guy --
1. Ice
2. Plastic Surgery because... I swear..if I ever see him in public, I will point and laugh at his sad ass.
3. He obviously has the ability to grow hair (his head), perhaps he should have grown it out on his face... more protection.
4. He should learn from the master -- that fat kid with the light saber video going around the internet.
5. More ice... damn.. that has to hurt

Top Five Reasons Why I am Excited About the Boom of TV on DVD
1. Greg the Bunny
2. 24
3. Trying out shows so many people love like Arrested Development
4. Dead Like Me
5. What's Happening

Top Five Surprising Places to Find Body Lint Other than Your Belly Button
1. Butt crack -- Now really... ow does all of that get there!?!?!?
2. Armpit -- Nothing like applying deodorant and pulling it away and finding a surprise fuzzball on your white invisible strip.
3. Ear -- It doesn't happen often, but sometimes I find a lump limp on or behind my ear. It often appears to have wrapped itself completely around a hair.
4. Your Bed Sheets -- I guess that it isn't surprising in terms of location... but it is still disconcerting anyway... especially when you think it might be a bug!
5. Near your naughty bits.... I just wanted to say.. naughty bits...

Top Five Bridges (If you know the names... please help me.)
1. There is a really killer bridge in Delaware on Route 1 on the way to Dover Speedway. I love the huge concrete structures that go up along the sides.
2. Up on the New York Thruway in between Albany and Saratoga Springs, there is another fun bridge that sits out in the middle of nowhere with high structures on the sides... looks like an old rail bridge.
3. The infamous covered bridge in Sergeantsville, NJ -- the only functional one in New Jersey and I grew up near it.
4. The Morris Goodkind Memorial Bridge -- If you know where it is.. more power to you. NJ 101.5 talks about it as though people do but I don't know anyone else but muh wife and I that know where it is.
5. There is a really cool bridge that runs across a river up near Newburyport, MA. I wish I knew the name...but I really like how you are driving along a mundane interstate and then come across this killer bridge.

Monday, January 03, 2005

This just seems wrong...

There's something just wrong with this either ot there is something really thin about them... or those glasses are wrong.

I can't decide...

Click here...

2004 -- A Year Under Review by the Smelmooo

Annual retrospectives are prevalent all over every medium from newspapers to radio to television to wrestling websites to magazines. Should the Thoughts of the Smelmooo web page be any different? I think not.

It was a tremendously HUGE year for me as I sold my first house -- god bless explosions in the real estate market, bought my first house together with muh wife -- damn the explosions in the real estate market, and most importantly, I finalized my union to the most wonderful woman in the world -- "Muh Honey."

However... I offer a look at some of the things that also blipped across my screen in the year 2004.

1. The WWE crowns John Bradshaw Layfield as its champion. The character is loosely based on the current President of the United States. He then becomes one of the most hated villians of all time -- not because he is like the President, but because he just plain sucks and his references to Hitler didn't do him any favors either.

2. The New England Patriots won the Super Bowl. Good for them... New England really needed the boost after the Red Sox screwed it up again a couple of months prior.

3. Crap... the Boston Red Sox won the ACLS and then the World Series -- thankfully.. mostly while I was on a boat in the middle of the Meditterranean not knowing a damn thing about it. New England is now.. .officially spoiled.

4. Governor McGreevey admits to having gay relationships during his tenure in office. Great... that's all I need... a reason for out of staters to make fun of our state. We had such a perfect reputation before that.

5. There was some sort of election spurring some of the funniest websites out there. -- -- God bless Al Gore and his internet.

6. The Olympics taught me many things. a. Synchronized diving rocks. b. Men's gymnastics was actually more exciting than the women this year. c. The American basketball team didn't win the championship because it was a bunch of individual stars...there is not "individual stars" in team -- look a the Pistons this year fellas.

7. Tom Brokaw finally retired. Never has a person been so bad at the fundamental aspect of their job as him. Did anyone actually think he would be on the air the next day since we can't understand a word he says anyway?

8. Dan Rather looks like a jackass on the television with some made up documents. What's the frequency Kenneth? means something new to me now -- it marks the time that Rather had his brains altered.

9. Tsunamis are no longer cool. Not at all. The only way I ever saw one of them was in a video game or something. This is something completely new.

10. Really old women are having children. Selfish women... these kids won't have a mommy in 10 years!!! selfish selfish selfish..

So much more happened... but this is all I could think of now... I hope you enjoyed it.

Sunday, January 02, 2005

New Years Eve

This year, the Smelmooo and his wife decided to stay home for their first New Year's Eve as a married couple. We had stayed home pretty much every year we have been together, but this was the first year, we had a few friends over.

The inspiration for the evening began when we discovered that some dear friends were going to be in the state -- not their current home state of Arizona -- for the holiday. We included another mutual couple and a night of food and companionship was hatched. Finally, a third couple joined us and the evening was complete.

Muh wife and I began by coming up with our food theme -- appetizers all night. It worked out better than we thought. We thought we might be a bit tight on food but the exact opposite worked out. We will be eating leftovers for days to come.

Our menu looked like this:
New Years Eve 2004

Welcoming 2005


Baked Parmesan
Cheese & Crackers
Chicken Satay
Clam Dip
Fondue with Pumpernickel Bread
Homemade Carrot Soup
Salad Bar
Taco Dip
Tomato and Mozzarella
Turkey Wrapped in Bacon
Weenies or Pigs in Blankets or Little Hot Dogs
(Assorted Desserts)

We served everything on the menu but the chicken satay... we just had way too much food... In fact, muh wife and I plan on making it today and enjoying it later on. Don't you wish you were here?

After eating and because it was such a gorgeous night, we walked the short walk into town to see the fireworks that our town was throwing up into the air. They also had this cute makeshift ball drop and it looked like they had it fall close to the midnight hour! It was a lot of fun.

P.S. -- Thank you to our six lovely guests... you made our transition to the New Year a blast.

Saturday, January 01, 2005

Happy New Year!!!

Today will be a super duper relax and chill day... Happy New Year everyone and I hope you thought ahead and followed my easy does it hangover remedies!

P.S. My first New Year's resolution is to not make any New Year's Resolutions!!!