Tuesday, August 31, 2004

Dude - Revisited

Making money on something I abhor.

This is funny though.

Would You Be My Student -- Revisited

So... the woman at the North Brunswick Adult Education office called me.

Turns out they have a record turnout for my class.

They want me to teach another one.

Hrm... I think I will.

Top 5 Tuesday!

Top 5 Tuesday!

Top Five Things I Learned From My Conversation With Four Old Ladies From Oregon in Central New York

1. Rest stops in New Jersey are so much better than those in Oregon because they offer restaurants. Rest stops in Oregon are primarilly outhouses. According to them, even old ladies would prefer to pee in the woods than in the "stinky outhouses."

2. Oregon is also a state with Full Service only. They like to beckon someone else to pump their gas.

3. Politically speaking, Oregon's biggest problem is that they had some dopes that ruined the last election by voting for Nader. They identified me quickly as having a gay governor, but felt that Oregon's problems with the Nader issue were more dramatic.

4. Oregon is big.

5. Oregon is the fastest growing state in the nation, but it also has one of the highest unemployment rates in the country. Go figure.

Top Five Improvements I Would Make to the Complimentary ContinentalBreakfast at the Wolf Road Days Inn

1. I would buy the food fresh that day, not go to the bread outlet and serve that food.

2. I would have fresh bagels served. Have you ever noticed that bagels that are not made in the New York metropolitan area seem to suck? My old college roommate believed it was the salt water. He figured if he bottled it and took it someplace south, he could make a mint.

3. Can anyone say Make Your Own Waffles??!?!?!

4. Fresh fruit. Often times, these places have old fruit. This place had no fruit at all.

5. This isn't an improvement but something we noticed. There were people who didn't know how to operate a bagel slicer. AMAZING!!!!!!!

Top Five Ways to Shut Up Muh Honey

1. Mention porn and my desire to purchase it...especially if it features anything with Shana Hiatt.

2. Ask her what kind of mustard she wants on her sandwich. She loves mustard so much it is tough for her to even decide.

3. Tell her that she can't have any pickle slices.

4. Pop in a horror movie.

5. Turn on WWE.

Top Five Reasons Why Summer is the Worst Season

1. Belly Shirts -- Yes... when worn by the right person, these are incredibly sexy, but TOO MANY PEOPLE WHO WEAR THESE SHOULD NOT!

2. My eyeballs sometimes sweat.

3. That irritating way my glasses fog up when I walk outside. I HATE THAT.

4. Sleeping in sweat.

5. Stepping out of a shower and gettting wet again within 15 seconds.

Top Five TV Series Coming Out on DVD This Month That I am Excited About

1. Mork and Mindy -- Who doesn't love Robin Williams during his crack years.

2. Laverne and Shirley -- Who doesn't love miss Kitty and milk and Pepsi let alone the Big Ragu...

3. Knight Rider -- Who doesn't love David Hasselhoff when he was only a mediocre sex symbol?

4. Three's Company -- Need I say anything else? Season Two this time around.

5. Who's the Boss or Punky Brewster -- The choice is so damn hard.

Top Five Merits of a Buick over a Miata

1. The sheer size.

2. Coolness Factor

3. On moving day, you can actually put stuff in it.

4. A Buick has never been regarded as an extension of a middle aged guy's penis.

5. Chicks Dig Buicks

Hasta La Vista

News Reporters That Ad Lib...

...sometimes give me a splitting headache.

Bill Evans told his viewership this morning that they would need their rain gear until it cleared up later this morning.

The anchor said, "G.O.P. Galloshes On Parade" Then... he giggled.

What was he giggling at?

Monday, August 30, 2004

Ok! Ok! Maybe The Onion is Funny Once in Awhile!!!

Like right here!

I LOVE B.A. Baracus references.

Dear Diary...

Dear Diary,

I had a super duper fun weekend this weekend. To sum it up, I drank lots of beer, ate LOTS of food, and watched women in stilletto heels and tight skirts pretend they were having a nice time in the humid sun in upstate New York.

In all seriousness however Dear Diary, I had a great weekend that taught me a lot. Here are some of the important lessons that I learned that I want to pass on to you Dear Diary.

1. When you go to the bathroom at 4:30 in the afternoon -- on a hot and humid afternoon -- at a race track, you are bound to meet interesting characters. The most interesting guy was a totally smashed fella that decided he would yell out to everyone on line the following line -- "Anyone want some steamed hot dogs? I've got one for you right here." My advice is to become this person's friend as he has the ability to make your life unpleasant...quickly.

2. Sometimes drunk people will bump into you as you walk through a mass of people. This mullet headed creep with tattoos that were more prevalent than clothing said to me after running smack iunto me. "Sorry... sorry... I am not lost and that is because I am lost." He actually appeared to think about his comment before he said it.

3. Apparently, if you are a big bald guy, you can take aluminum cans and use some sort of suction thingy to get them to stick out like horns from your own head. These guys are smart to think this stuff up. If you excitedly take their picture, they might even say... "If you send that picture to XXXX product, I want a check!" Yeah... what is your name and address...???

4. Australia is a land where wimps come from. Some would say criminals or scoundrels. I learned it is where wimps come from. They sure can't handle their beer. This comes straight from the mouth of guy married to one.

5. Damn Good Jerky has a website... damngoodjerky.com

6, We went on the busiest weekend of the year Dear Diary. It was the weekend of the Travers Stakes. There was an estimated 75,000 people packed into Saratoga racetrack and we were just a lowly group of 9. Because this is easily the biggest weekend of the year, the lot we normally park in that charges $10 on most weekends upped its price to $25 for our car. We hemmed and hawed but we dished out the money. It worked out to our benefit...as a torrential thunder and lightning storm hit the area and we had a extremely short walk tot he car while others walked literally a mile or so. This prompted a new theory. $25 was well worth it this year.

7. When you use a Brush Ups -- you know that lovely new product that lets you brush your teeth with a cardboard apparatus you put on your finger -- your finger gets sweaty. Almost gross that your finger actually is collecting sweat as it cleans.

8. You can hear voices when you sleep. They might even sound like the lady that talks to you on your cell phone voice mail. SHHHHUUUTTTT UUUUPPPP...

9. When they say no glass bottles, you can bet your ass that I am going to sneak in at least one bottle made of glass. VIVA LA PICKLES!!!!

With that Dear Diary, I will leave you. I hope to teach you many more lessons. Tomorrow, I hope to come up with some Top Five Lists. Also, if you want to see some of the fun pictures I took Dear Diary... you know what website to find them.



Sunday, August 29, 2004

What makes a joke funny?

What makes a joke funny?

The obvious answer is the punch line, but a joke takes a lot more than that. It requires the person telling the joke to be skilled in timing and delivery. It requires a patient audience and it requires an open mind.

Punch lines to jokes are the culmination of an agreement between the listener and the teller.

The teller agrees to provide a clear and coherent relation of the joke that might involve a minute or so of set up time. In this relation of the joke, the teller will sometimes use hand motions, body language, or facial expressions to help convey the joke.

The listener agrees to pay attention and not interrupt the teller. The listener agrees to absorb the effort of facial expressions, body language and large words to gain a complete and deep undertanding of what is being related to him.


If all of this is required for a good joke.... then why is this punch line -- absent from the joke itself -- still one of the funniest things I have ever heard?

"Rectum? Damn near killed em!"

Saturday, August 28, 2004

Netflix Failed Me

In the spirit of the Olympic games, I moved the movie Miracle up the queue so I could watch it a couple of nights ago while muh honey was out with her sisters.

I eagerly opened the envelope and popped the DVD into the player to watch the preview as a way to psyche myself up for the Thursday night television viewing.

The DVD player asked me politely (it ALWAYS says please) to insert a playable disk.

I took the DVD out, examined it and discovered the problem.

It was broken... right from the center all the way to the end. That's one thing. The thing that got me most was that someone had scotch taped it back together. Why didn't Netflix notice this? argh... now I am going to have to watch wrestling on the big TV.

Friday, August 27, 2004

Sometimes... Life Humbles You

Sometimes... Life Humbles You

I went to Eckerd recently to buy something that we shall now refer to as "potentially embarrassing." I was not comfortable with buying this item, and I just wanted to get in and out of the store as quickly as possible. I didn't want anyone to see what I was buying let alone what happened to me.

So I get to the front counter with my embarrassing item, a package of four light bulbs, and some detergent. I put them all on the counter after waiting five minutes for a pair of people who thought Eckerd is the right forum to negotiate prices on outdoor lighting. (Side note -- If you are buying your outdoor lighting at Eckerd, you do not have a right to bargain. Just don't.)

I finally reached the front of the line. At this point, a line had begun to develop behind me and I was glad to see the girl behind the counter was willing to assist me by quickly scanning the embarrassing item and hiding it behind one of the two bottles of detergent. She then took it a step further by scanning one of the bottles, moved the item behind the recently scanned bottle and scanned the second bottle.

This is where it got sticky. I was starting to feel relieved that possibly the line of 4 older ladies behind me hadn't seen my item when the cash register girl lifted up the package of light bulbs.
Glass poured out of the container of light bulbs.

I was now the center of attention and I had to go back to get another package of light bulbs. I heard the collective groan of the old ladies behind me but I went to get the light bulbs anyway.

I made my way back to the counter and what did I see? The girl behind the counter had spread everything out with embarrassing item out in full view to clean up the shards of glass.

I was wearing a purple shirt that day. My face went a deep shade of purple. Everybody knows about my item now.

At this point, I am officially mortified.

For some reason, I apologized to the sweet old ladies behind me and they all nodded at me knowingly. As I left the store, I only thought one thing. "God, I hope they thought I was apologizing for the lightbulbs being broken."

Jawless patient grows a new one


You should see the picture that is in the Star Ledger. It shows the patient's back and it has the lump and everything.

Click here.

Thursday, August 26, 2004

Going Away for Three Days.

Muh honey and I are going away on the annual Saratoga trip.

I don't want to leave you all hanging. I will leave you with some posts for all three days.

You will miss me.

I Will be Looking for the Police in My Rearview Mirror

If this is a crime, then call me a 39 time offender and will be wanted in at least 17 states.

God bless finding someone else with the same "affliction."

Click here....

Ten Surefire Ways to Tick Off Your Coworkers

I want to add something here.


Click here.

Dumb Texans

Dumb Texans

On a shopping trip to the city a backwoods farmer named George W. bought a 24-piece jigsaw puzzle. He worked on it every night for two weeks. Finally, the puzzle was finished.

"Look what I've don, Jess," he said proudly to a visiting neighbor.

"That's surely somethin', George. How long did it take you?"

"Only two weeks."

"Never done a puzzle myself," Jess said. "Is two weeks fast?"

"Darn tootin'," George said. "Look at the box. It says, 'From two to four years."

Harvey Reminds Me To Be Nice

Harvey Reminds Me To Be Nice

One of the greatest movies ever made was a movie named Harvey. It starred the incomparable Jimmy Stewart. It was based upon a popular play and is a lovely story about a middle aged drunk (Jimmy Stewart) that has been driving his sister and niece wild by introducing everyone he meets to his pal Harvey. Harvey is a big white rabbit, six feet three and a half inches tall, which only Elwood (and occasionally his sister when she's feeling odd) can see. The sister, Veta Louise Simmons, tries to have Elwood committed to Chumleys Rest sanatorium, but they let Elwood out and lock her up.

It sounds like a wacky movie and to be honest, it does get kind of wacky at points, but it is one of the most poignant movies ever made. I was talking to a friend who had also seen it, and we discussed our favorite line from the flick that still resonates a great deal with me.

Jimmy Stewart's character, near the end of the movie states while explaining his demeanor, "Years ago my mother used to say to me, she'd say, 'In this world, Elwood, you must be' - she always called me Elwood - 'In this world, you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant.' Well, for years I was smart. I recommend pleasant. And you may quote me."

This is one of my favorite movie lines of all time. It was one of my friend's favorite lines too.

The line resonates so much because we have to spend so much of our time in this world showing off how great we are to impress upon our peers. We often push pleasantries to the side to do such. We often push them to the side if we are in a rush as well. I find that even I do it. I sometimes call people and ask them for information and it isn't until I have already gotten the information that I remember to ask the person about their wife or husband or life. How I can forget to just be pleasant to another person is beyond me, but I remember eventually. I have even been known to call people back to admit my fault and be more pleasant.

If I have ever behaved that way with any of you loyal readers, I apologize. I swear I didn't mean it.

Also... as this seems like a rather abrupt ending to a thought that seems so obvious... check out the movie HARVEY. I guarantee that you will not be disappointed. As a side note, they have tried to remake the movie at least twice -- once starring Fred Gwynne and the other starring Harry Anderson. Avoid those. It is the 1950 version that is an absolute masterpiece.

Wednesday, August 25, 2004

Borderline Icky

A friend of mine put this best.

This borderlines on the ickiness level.

Almost funny...yet wrong.

Another Test

This test is a lot more fun than the last one.

Which John Cusack Are You?

Thankfully... I am Rob Gordon. That is my favorite literary character and he is in my favorite book -- High Fidelity.

I am famous... again.

Wow... go to msn.com and do a search for "fat darryl sandwich maxim"

You come up with this.

A Scanner = Tons of Memories

Muh honey and I picked up a scanner this past weekend and it has been a flurry of activity in our new office. I have gone through some of my old pictures and pulled out the ones I like best and have begun the process of scanning them all into the computer. It has been a blast and I have been enjoying the memories that come with them.

My favorite memory is a set of 5-6 photos of people and things that I do not know. You may be wondering why I have these pictures and why they make me smile so much. I rented a car once when my car was in the shop. I returned the rental and accidentally left my camera in it. I eventually picked the camera up and got the roll developed. It looks as though the staff was taking random pictures with the camera. Makes me laugh... every single time. (I guess you had to be there.)

For example:

1. I have mentioned on here before that I used to run and perform improvisational theater. I found some stacks of old pictures from the shows I used to put together with a variety of different cast photos and the likes. I can't believe that it was so long ago since I have that. I can't believe how young I looked either. It really brings back the memories and the drive and desire to do that type of theater again. This comes up with me every 7-8 months. I wonder how long it will stick around this time.

2. Revisionist History abounds as well. I found pictures with people that I am no longer fond of or were ex-girlfriends. Some of those pictures will not be making it up on the websites. Ok.. just the pictures of ex-girlfriends. The ones with people I don't care for anymore will still make it up as they were integral parts of my life for so long. I just don't need to revisit the past with the girlfriends -- especially with muh pending nuptials to muh honey.

3. One of the largest stacks of photos has been a variety of Rutgers sporting events. It sure looks like I was having a great time at those things. But alas, we didn't go for the beer, food or fun. We went because we liked the sport. What sport was that again?

4. Old pets. I have a ton of pictures of the old family dog -- Bud. I miss him.

5. Since the majority of my picture taking was before the digital camera, I am amazed to see all the family portraits that we have informally taken over the years. There are vast spaces of time in between each photo and we seem to have aged so much with each.


Time to sign off for now. If you think you were in any of these early photos, you might be. Let me know and I might be able to send you a few before I put them up on the fotki site.

Tuesday, August 24, 2004


Did Kerry Walsh actually just smack Misty May in the ass after winning the gold medal? Right after they rolled around in the sand for a few seconds?

Yes she did.

That folks is why beach volleyball is/was the best sport in the Olympics.

My Friend is Moving

That's the only explanation I have for this comment of his.

"btw, i'm totally gettin' my whitetrash on today. i'm driving a pickup truck with a doghouse in the back..."

I swear... he is moving and NOT going on vacation in his motor home. I swear.

Marriage License Form

Muh honey and I are filling out forms galore for the upcoming wedding. The recent one we filled out was our marriage license form.

It is pretty standard stuff, but I was shaken by one of the questions.

"Are you related to the Bride/Groom?"

This was written for New Jersey residents... not West Virgina residents.

Top Five TUESDAY Makes Its Wordy Return

Top Five Olympic Moments So Far (In no particular order)

1. Paul Hamm hitting that final score in the final event of the Men's All Around.
2. U.S. Men's Basketball team losing... again. How great is that?
4. Michael Phelps not being on television anymore.
5. That American rifle shooter who shot at the wrong target when all he had to do was HIT his own target to win the gold. Simply nuts.

Top Five Reasons Why Alien vs. Predator Was a Good Movie
1. Hot Chick albeit never gets naked -- stupid PG 13 movies
2. ALIEN VS PREDATOR!!!!!!!!!!
3. Huggale Predators
4. The ending
5. Very Little Plot = Lots of action and killing!

Top Five Pets I Have Had (or are muh parent's pets)

1. Bud
2. Gerbil #1 -- He died when I wrote with magic marker on his head.
3. Gerbil #2 -- See above.
4. Maverick -- Even though he bit me.
5. Cocoa -- She is just playing... I swear.

Top Five Pictures I Found Recently While Scanning that I Don't Want Muh Honey To See
1. Anything with Ex-Girlfriends -- no need to bring that crap out.
2. Who's Bachelor Party was that?
3. There was this fish... and you can only see half of it.
4. I was the mannequin for a make up class in my theater class.
5. (This has been removed by Chuck Barris -- Too compromising.) -- Let's see who gets that joke. Go ahead... post what you think it means.

Top Five Revisionist Titles for Farenheit 9/11 (By the firm Powell, Cheney, Rice & Dunn)
1. Piece of Crap
2. The Truth Hurts
3. WHAT THE HELL!?!?!?!
4. Kerry Is Worthless
5. America Rocks! We Do What We Want Whenever We Want Fuck Everyone Else! (Or... WWWWWWWWW)

Top Five Things I Just Don't Understand
1. Country Music -- I ran over my cat...WHAT? My mother kissed muh daddy and ran away with.... WHAT?!?! This type of music is useless and we are making tons of money from idiots... WHAT?!?!?!
2. Piercings in parts that are often frowned up to even discuss in public let alone PIERCING THEM!
3. Tequilla
4. Vegans
5. The Onion -- Same joke for 5 years. I just don't get it.

Monday, August 23, 2004


This is why it is important to vote... even absentee ballot voting!

John Pituch - The Bloomingdale Board of Education candidate lost by one vote after his son forgot to mail in his absentee ballot.

South Park - The Passion of the Jew

I have to buy this.

Random Thoughts on a Monday Morning

A very attractive woman came on in between segments of one of my favorite game shows -- Lingo. She was obviously there to hock something and I was immediately drawn in -- expecting her to sell me motor oil or some food item. Instead... she admits that even though she is a hot mama, she can get constipation like everyone else. Feeling almost as violated as when they get me on tampon commercials that look friendly, I stopped paying attention to her message until I heard the closing tag line. "Ex Lax, For Regular People Who Sometimes Aren't." Ummm... errrr... uhhh... ok.

Did Lingo get better or worse when they added the blonde bimbo with the British accent? I am not sure, but Chuck Woolery's Two and Two finger motion is certainly more at ... "attention."

One of the contestants -- an attorney -- on Lingo actually said that she likes to decorate and host theme parties. I can honestly say that I have never heard that before. I don't think I want to meet the people that regularly attend these parties.

The Americans won their first rowing medal in over twenty years. The announcer yelled, "The drought is over." The COCKswain jumped into the lap of the guy in the first seat. I don't want any cockswain jumping in my lap. ick.

Can I recommend that you all check out Da Ali G show? It cracks me up. It is on HBO at 10:30 p.m. Some folks can't get past the fake accent that he puts on to trick his victims but he is an extremely talented bloke that makes everyone pay. I especially like how he got the former Governor of New Jersey -- Christie Todd WHitman to rap. No joke... she actually rapped.

There was a huge cluster F this morning on the Today show. AL Roker and Matt Lauer came out and put a huge sheet cake in natalie Coughlin's lap. That was one of the weirdest things I have ever seen. Poor Natalie...

Mondays are fun. oh boy are they fun.

As you know, I dig Chris Moore. I was reading his blog and he is especially New Jersey centric this week. Check it out right here.

Sunday, August 22, 2004

Olympic Musings of the Smelmooo

Olympic Musings of the Smelmooo

1. It happened again. I sat down to watch the Olympics on this fine STORMING Saturday afternoon and I was the witness of a sport that I had no idea existed. I believe it is an amateur version of the short lived series on The Spike Network entitled Slam Ball. This event had no ball and no basket and no guards -- just trampolines and guys dressed like Paul Hamm, but they looked much older. The sport? Trampoline gymnastics. Unlike the synchronized diving, I have to continue to make fun of this event. These guys just jumped on a trampoline and and went into a bunch of positions up in the air. They looked like they were diving. It did get scary at one point though. A guy went slightly off track and the coach had to throw out a mat for him to land on since he wasn't coming anywhere near the middle of the trampoline. It made it dangerous... very dangerous.

2. I also turned on and left on the men's single badmitton finals between some guy from Indonesia and some guy from South Korea. The Indonesian just blew the S. Korean away. The crowd was phenomenal too...they were cheering the hell out of the sport and it made the match even more exciting. I did laugh though during the middle of the second game. The announcer actually said..."He is considered the Bad Boy of Badmitton." (completely ENUNCIATING all the T's in the word "badmitton.") Oh my heavens. That just added to the excitement... PROPER ENUNCIATION!!!!

3. If I never hear the name Michael Phelps again, my life will be more than fine.

4. How tall is that female gymnast that got the silver medal in the all around? I thought there was a guy at the entrance of the gym with a piece of straw in his mouth that holds his hand out and a sign that reads..."You must be shorter than this line to ride this ride." She looked like a monster next to all of them. Thankfully, she was a hottie tottie.

5. Women's beach volleyball is still the best event.

6. Please stop calling them the Dream Team. High school players do not deserve to be called the Dream Team. Players that do not even play professional basketball do not deserve to be called the Dream Team. Players that lose to Puerto Rico REALLY do not get to be referred to as the Dream Team. Blech. (The real Dream Team is the women's softball team.)

Time to reflect on other things....

Saturday, August 21, 2004

What Swear Word Are You? Reflections on a quiz...

What Swear Word Are You? Reflections on a quiz...

I randomly found this quiz today on the internet. (Go down to What Kind of Swear Word Are You?)

I took this quiz myself and received the dubious title of Asshole. I then performed a random poll of FIFTEEN friends that just happened to be on the AOL IM at the same time.

The results were:

Asshole -- 13

Bitch -- 1

Fuck -- 0

Shit -- 1

Dumbass -- 0

It is good to see that I hang out with a bunch of assholes. At least now I have the proof for something that I already knew.

One person offered up the explanation that to be construed anything but an asshole, you would have to be nuts to fill out the other answers. I suppose... being an asshole just isn't that bad afterall.

God bless all assholes... every single one of us.

(Please take the quiz and post your results in the comments.)

Friday, August 20, 2004

Joe Piscopo for GOVERNOR OF NJ!!!

This makes me actually want to hit my head on the table.

yes... yes... I did it.

My Heart Will Go On.

My Heart Will Go On....and On... and On... to muh Fat Koko.

Going to college at Rutgers brought many unique experiences that other colleges did not provide.

I was proud (tongue firmly planted in cheek) to see my University President make it to the front page of national magazines after uttering what many construed to be a a racial slur. It got so tense on campus that a staged sit in was planned for a nationally televised basketball game. Good times.

But nothing... and I mean nothing compares to the Grease Trucks. For those not in the proverbial "know," the Grease Trucks are a group of Roach Coaches/Food Carts that are harbored at the end of the main street that runs through Rutgers College. They provide nourishment and a break from the monotonous dining hall fare for those that dare to eat there.

The Grease Trucks served other purposes as well. It was a place to congregate after the frat parties and the bar hopping. It was a place to meet back up with your buddies after you tried so hard all night to get that hot girls phone number. It was a place to hopefully meet back up with that girl that you were afraid to talk to early. It was a place to hang.

Providing a place to hang out was secondary however to the food that the trucks served. They served the regular sandwiches such as cheeseburgers, grilled, cheese or a BLT. They offered appetizers like mozzarella sticks and chicken fingers. They also offered the FAT sandwiches.

When I was an actual student, there was only one FAT sandwich, but the year I left and immediately afterwards, the FAT sandwiches exploded to where there are probably over a 100 different kinds now. FAT sandwiches are essentially a long roll with a mishmash of ingredients all in that roll. The original fat sandwich was the FAT CAT. This was a sandwich that comprised of two cheeseburgers, lettuce, tomato, ketchup and french fries all on the one roll. It was a monster sandwich and ideal when you did too many cement mixers.

Over time, the sandwiches began to get more wild and wacky. There was the FAT ELVIS. This was a regular lamb meat gyro sandwich with all the fixings and had mozzarella sticks and fries thrown into it. Then there is my favorite FAT sandwich -- the FAT KOKO. It was a pizza steak (steak, mozzarella cheese, marinara sauce) with mozzarella sticks and french fries. Truly a masterpiece.

I now offer you the reason for this blog. Maxim Magazine recently reviewed sandwiches from across the country and decided on their favorite sandwich -- the winner? The Fat Darrell.

The Fat Darrell contains chicken fingers, fries, and mozzarella sticks as its main ingredients. It is a genius sandwich and it has given national attention to a type of sandwich that is long past its due.

I offer those that know the sandwiches a huge smile. Those that do not know the sandwiches or are naysayers of a New Jersey institution... I offer you a simple hug. You really don't know what you are missing.

Poor Benji...

What kind of a world are we living in when the new Benji movie is given NO STARS in the paper?

Benji rocks... oops... I guess I mean... rocked....

Benji R.I.P.

Thursday, August 19, 2004

Free T-Shirts

The other day, I got an email from a friend of mine to invite me to a Somerset Patriots game. As many of you know, I have become a veteran spectator of New Jersey minor league baseball teams and sort of a baseball snob for New Jersey ball. Muh brother worked full time for the Trenton Thunder -- the AA affiliate of the New York Yankees (Red Sox when he worked there) so I was able to see a lot of their games.

I still get excited that a lot of the guys that I came in contact with during those couple of years are playing ball in the majors right now. It is always hard to not cheer for Trot Nixon even though he is on the evil Boston Red Sox or for David Eckstein simply because I have shook their hands before. There is simply an excitement about every player on that field. One day...Joe Buck might be telling their story on a Saturday afternoon Major League Baseball game on Fox in between subtle ads for the upcoming Fall schedule.

As a direct influence, muh brother has me convinced that the other ball teams in the state aside from the Thunder and the Lakewood Blue Claws (an affiliate of the Philadelphia Phillies) just aren't nearly as good. After watching the other teams a bit on television and after attending a ton of Blue Claws games as well, I came to the same conclusion as muh brother.

I don't mean to take away from the players on these other teams throughout the state. The teams they play for do not have any major league ties and are where baseball players essentially go to die. The games are just not as good in terms of quality baseball.

I went to the game because I wanted to spend time with my friend. I wasn't expecting good baseball at all, but I got it. The Newark Bears' pitcher threw a no-hitter. It is funny... he was the opposing pitcher, but by the time he made it to the middle of his 8th inning, the Patriots' fans were even cheering for him. After THREE close calls in the 8th and 9th, he finally threw his final pitch and the game was over. It was pretty exciting and the first "milestone" type of game I have ever seen live.

But I digress for the entire blog so far. I sat down to write about one thing and now I am a bunch of paragraphs in and the only thing close to what I wanted to say is the title.

I remain impressed that every time I go to a professional sporting event, there are free T-Shirt giveaways. They come out and dispense the shirts in a variety of means. At Trenton Titans games, the kids come out and try to throw them over the net and inevitably get boo'ed. Crash also comes out and shoots shirts with a gun. At Thunder games, they use a slingshot. Hell, even muh brother used to shoot the sling shot. At Somerset Patriots games, the guy comes out in his Revolutionary War get up and shoots the shirts into the crowd.

Whatever the method, the result is the same. PEOPLE GO CRAZY! People are jumping up and down and waving their arms for the things. Getting a t-shirt is a badge of honor and we reward our fans for being in the right place and time with clothing. If I walked out there with a basket of Chicken McNuggets, the people wouldn't react that way... there would be a few idiots but for the most part, they would just calmly stand up to catch it.

Have any of you ever caught one of these shirts? 5000 people at a minor league game. Maybe 10 shirts. Who has ever caught one?

P.S. The main draw of the Newark Bears was that Ricky Henderson is playing for them. See what I mean? Where baseball players go to die.

Wednesday, August 18, 2004

Congratulations Paul Hamm


Umm... that was pretty cool.

His win was jaded by one thing. Everyone was yelling "Dude" at him.

I guess they are allowed to in international waters.


Ultimate Battles of Good vs. Evil

Ultimate Battles of Good vs. Evil

I was a huge fan last year of Freddy vs. Jason. I love horror movies and those two are two of my favorite hackers of all time. I like Freddy because of his creativity and sense of humor and Jason because of his sheer resourcefulness and determination. It didn't surprise me that jason won in the end, but I am glad they left it open to another possible sequel. The monumental success of the movie enabled the studios to jump start other productions -- including the recently released Alien vs. Predator (AvP).

Although I have not seen it, Alien vs. Predator and the highly competitive Olympics have inspired me to come up with some more movie pairings or fights that I would like to see from the studios.

Ferris Bueller vs Parker Lewis -- Who would win in a fight between the smart mouthed Matthew Broderick from the movie or the lovable yet sly Corin Nemec from the television show? THe obvious answer is Ferris Bueller, but if you noticed, Ferris was pretty much a one man operation since he had his waste of a friend Cameron. Ferris' major weakness is that he would have to convince cameron everyday to help him out with his misadventures. Parker, on the other hand, had Mike who was always there. They were always on the ready. My view? Parker would win and it doesn't hurt that he has the big crazy kid who now plays Jerry on ER on his side. The guy shot a bazooka. Need I say more? Yes... the tide may turn if Zach Morris gets involved.

Buck Rogers vs. Flash Gordon -- I am insisting that it has to be the Gil Gerard incarnation of Buck Rogers from the "Buck Rogers of the 25th Century" show. The series that had Erin Gray in her tight grey outfit before she was on Silver Spoon as his sidekick. Flash Gordon of the 1920's might give him a run for his money but nothing tops Buck Rogers from the 70's... especially if he channels Hawk's superpowers. My view? Gil..I mean Buck kicks some ass.

Laverne & Shirley vs. Dee & Shirley -- I used to watch Laverne & Shirley all the time. I also used to watch What's Happenin' all the time as well. I would love to see an epic battle between the two female leads of each of these shows. Please note... if I threw in Mama in any of these pairings...she would win all by herself. Who would win a fight between two chicks from Milwuakee in the 1950's or two inner city girls from the 1970's in Los Angeles? Damn... this is easy... Maybe this wouldn't be that great of a fight... but it sure would be fun to watch Laverne be forced to funnel Pepsi and Milk through a garden hose. The only variable I see is if Little Earl stepped in to protect his girl allowing the scrappy Big Ragu to assist his Miss Kitty lover. My view? Dee tricks Laverne out of the L on her shirt as Shirley hey hey hey's Shirley to death.

Sweathogs vs Fat Albert Gang -- In all the years that I watched Welcome Back Kotter, I don't actually remember the Sweathogs getting into a fight on screen. I remember the episode where Barbarino didn't have a date to the dance when girls were asking the boys. All the girls thought he had a date so he ended up going with that really nerdy chick. That was evidence of his sensitive side but noting of fighting. Meanwhile, the Fat Albert Kids may not have fought while I listened to any of those tapes but they did play Buck Buck against other "gangs." Fat Albert always brought them to victory as he will in this epic battle as well. My view? Boom Boom Washington is the only real fighter here but is no match for Mush Mouth.

Peter Scolari vs Tom Hanks -- Bosom Buddies came out years ago and it was a moderate success until it Jumped the Shark and gave the pair their own advertising agency. Buffy vs. Hildegarde. Buffy went on to become a huge star and Hildegarde went on to play 18th fiddle on Bob Newhart's show -- Newhart. Forrest Gump vs. a guy lower than Larry, Darryl, and Darryl. My view? Peter Scolari kicks Tom Hank's ass. He has years of pent up aggression inside and is looking to lay the smackdown on Tom's candy ass.

If you have any insight into any of these, please post a comment. You can even post just to say hi and that you are from another country. Have a good one!

Tuesday, August 17, 2004

Olympics Guilty Pleasure Added

Badminton rocks!

ok... maybe it doesn't rock but it was on this morning and I was loving how fast those things were flying!

Over 200 m.p.h.!

That is some set of reflexes baby!

Top Five Tuesday

Top Five Celebrity Crushes

1. Lindsay Lohan (come on... she is SOOOO much better than that Hillary Duff chick.) She is the most recent addition to the list.
2. Maura Tierney from ER -- She sits on the list as the "regular girl next door girl with the sarcastic I will break your face kind if you screw with me" attitude.
3. Jamie Priestly -- What is it about this chick? She has no talent at all, but she just gets me loving life when she takes the screen.
4. Alyssa Milano -- Let me show you who's the boss. Me... not Tony Banta.
5. Kiera Knightly -- Need I say more?
Extra Point -- Future Crush goes to Emma Watson. She plays Hermione in Harry Potter flicks. She will be a cutie patootie when she hits 18.

Top Five Overrated Celebrity Hotties

1. Julia Roberts -- She looks exactly like her brother Eric. Anyone drooling over him?
2. Jennifer Gardner -- The ickiness factor continues to creep into me whenever someone says she is hot. She is too skinny -- someone tie her down and feed her a cheeseburger!
3. Lara Flynn Boyle -- Speaking of skinny people, please god... someone feed this woman. I am not going to send 35 cents a day to adopt and feed her anymore.
4. Pam Anderson -- I am kidding... she is hot..but this "selection" is dedicated to the ladies that think by telling me that because she has had plastic surgery -- she isn't hot. What? Come on ladies... that shows commitment!
5. Cameron Diaz -- What does she really have but a fantastic butt?

Top Five Uses for a Rolled Up Wet Newspaper -- What is grosser than a newspaper that got caught in the rain?

1. Draft Blocker -- Yes you can use this congealed rolled up paper to stop that irritating winter draft.
2. Baseball Bat -- The paper seems to absorb water faster than a roll of bounty. The problem is... it can't get rid of it. Use it when you break your corked bat.
3. Weapon of Death -- Did you just call me an asshole? Come here.
4. Litter Box -- After you spread out each sheet and let it dry and stink up your hallway, slap it in a litterbox! It is wrinkled anyway!
5. Firewood -- Want some good old fashioned black smoke? Try to light this sucker up.

Top Five Things I Did When Muh Honey Left Me for Awhile

1. Watched WWE on the big TV
2. Watched as much women's beach volleyball as possible -- those uniforms are perfectly designed.
3. Cleaned out the refrigerator of evil things that have been there since June. How did I let it go? 4. I ate cheese in every meal. (I don't need her to be gone for that... but still...)
5. Nothing like a Freezer Pop for snacks... ALL THE TIME!!!!!!!!

Top Five Rejected Olympic Events

1. Paper Boy Tossing -- I want to find that video game again...but why not find out who can toss the paper boys themselves the farthest?
2. Wheelbarrow Races -- with real wheelbarrows filled with bricks....
3. Stolen Sex Tape Making -- Paris Hilton couldn't figure out what country to compete on behalf -- The United States or Paris
4. Crucifixion -- Romanians would win. heh heh... see? I used the word Roman.
5. Crocheting -- It was determined by the Curling industry that this event was more boring than them...and they want to keep that title.

Top Five Dumbest Slogans/Bumper Stickers
1. Mean People Suck - This is just stupid. Put these to rest already.
2. _______ Rock (the one I saw today was... Short Chicks Rock -- If you need a bumper sticker to say it... you don't rock.)
3. Baby on Board -- We don't need these to tell us that you have a baby in there... we can tell by those silly window shades and HUMUNGOUS baby seats.
4. Shit Happens -- No Shit
5. I am a Gay American

Top Five Fantasy Football Requests

1. Priest Holmes staying healthy
2. Me winning... all the frigging time.
3. People drafting on a timely basis.
4. Good trash talking
5. Good football... all the time... fantasy or not.

Best Bumper Sticker Ever
"Jesus Loves You -- Everyone Else Thinks You Are An Asshole."

Monday, August 16, 2004

Olympic Guilty Pleasures of the Smelmooo

So... like a good American television viewer, I found myself glued to the television this weekend watching the Olympics from Athens, Greece. The opening ceremonies were different and neat, but I was excited on Saturday morning when I rolled out of bed and started watching what the 6 different NBC networks had to offer. I have many guilty pleasures already and that's with only two days of competition completed!

1. Women's Volleyball -- If you watched it, then you know all about the captain. God bless her. Side note, I don't think I like the rally scoring...

2. Rowing -- Rowing is a boring sport. There is nothing exciting about it... or is there? I was watching the women's 8 person row and the Americans beat out the top teams in the world in a qualifying match. They only beat the Rumanians by inches...but I actually went "YES!!!!" Very soon... I will be cheering for table tennis.

3. Table Tennis -- My friend said it best. "I can't believe there is an Olympic event for something that I do when I get drunk." (Thank you CB) Regardless, that ball flies all over the place. I would hate to be drunk and play them...

4. Softball -- Softball isn't my favorite sport either, but watching the opening segment for the US vs Australia game has me hooked. Is it sad that I can name at least five of the softball team members? I thought so. I even woke up this morning so I could watch the end of the USA vs Japan game. Go USA!

5. Men's Basketball -- Am I an un-American because I rooted for the Puerto Rican team? I don't think so. It was so good to see those arrogant fellas lose. So good.

6. Women's Synchronized Diving -- I really really really really really wanted to make fun of this sport and I will take some lashing here in the comments section about this, but this a pretty cool event. It was neat to see two people dive exactly the same way. It was even cooler when two sets of teams did the same dive and then through technology they superimposed the images of both teams showing you why one was better than the other.

Alright... there are 2 more weeks of this. I may never sleep again...but if women's beach volleyball continues to be the last thing I see at night before my head hits the pillow... then I should be fine.

Sunday, August 15, 2004

Funny Travolta

Ok... I am not the biggest fan of John Travolta ... nor am I a huge fan of Inside the Actor's Studio...which makes the fact that I saw this line even funnier. (The truth is.. .I was watching the Women's USA softball team beat up on Australia and then turned the tv back on later today...I swear ... more on that later.)

When he was asked what type of job he didn't want to do, Travolta responded with:

"I don't wanna deal with the liquids at a hospital."

That cracked me up and made me think... ewww... that could be t he worst job EVER.


One of the things that I hate is when people talk at the movies. You all hate the same thing and there is no reason to revisit why these people seem to think that they are the most important people in the world and have the right to talk and talk and talk. One comment is fine but for the most part shut up and watch.

Last night, muh honey and I went out to see Garden State (which was decent and had some great moments but is far from as great as the reviews say it is.) There was a pair of talkers behind us. They started by getting to the movies at preview 4 of 5 and then continued to talk right through. It was dark when they arrived so we had no idea what they looked like...nor did we care.

The talking continued through preview 5 and through the opening credits. The potential was there for so much more.

And... the potential came true. She kept asking the man a bunch of questions about the movie that might be answered if she would just keep quiet. After three to five minutes of this, I graciously turned around and asked the couple to "Will you please stop talking? Thank you." The response was uncanny.

If the people behind us were younger I would have expected the macho response of shut up and watch the movie yourself. No one likes to be singled out, but I didn't expect this response to come from a couple that was in their sixties.

The gentleman of the couple was quiet and the woman responded with, "What? We only talked like two times." I began to respond to this misjudgment of the use of her mouth when she firmly added, "Just give it a rest."

What? Was that an older woman who told me to "Give it a rest."? It sure was. I was actually speechless about it. Here I was being super duper polite about the whole thing and she pulls that one on me. I wasn't quite sure what to say so I didn't. I just turned my head and went to watching the movie.

I really expected a lot more from a mature woman like that. I expected a modicum of respect and courtesy. For example, a proper response may have been, "I'm sorry. I didn't realize we were talking so loudly." or even "Ok Ok." She went above and beyond the level of irritation I would have expected.

Regardless, the movie came to an end about 100 minutes later and the couple flew out of there. At least they didn't say another frigging word for the rest of the movie.

They gave it a rest. Too bad I can't give the phrase Give it a Rest a rest. I keep using it ... perhaps it will die in my brain today.

Saturday, August 14, 2004

A Short One Today

I am quickly becoming the biggest Will Ferrell fan in all of Metuchen.

This is hilarious.

Click here.

Friday, August 13, 2004

McGreevey Quits

How can I not write about this?

How can I let it go?

In case you don't know what I am talking about, let me share with you the important headlines.

1. McGreevey Quits - My Truth is that I am a Gay American (Home News Tribune)
2. Gov. McGreevey Admits Affair, Announces Nov. 15 Resignation 'I AM A GAY AMERICAN' (Courier News)
3. McGreevey Steps Down After Disclosing a Gay Affair (New York Times)
4. Gay Affair Rocks Jersey Statehouse (USA Today)
5. Gov and His Love (New York Daily News)
6. Gay Blackmail Scandal, I'm Out, McGreevey Quits Over Secret Affair with Male Aide (New York Post)
7. McGreevey Quits, Admits Gay Affair (Newark Star Ledger)
8. I'm a Gay American (MSN.com)
9. Gay Gov Gets Out (FoxNews.com)
10. Gov Admits He's Gay, Quits (Yahoo.com)

First and foremost people... this is NOT about someone being gay. The reason for quitting goes way beyond someone being gay. As much as the current administration and whacko groups like to claim that homosexuality is wrong, who really cares if an individual is gay? This issue goes above and beyond someone being gay.

The shock value is fun for the media because no one has ever made an announcement like this. Sure, Clinton admitted to cheating on his wife in the Oval Office, but no one seemed to mind as much because it was with a woman. This time it just happened to be with a gay man. A gay man that threatened to file a sexual harassment case against him in Mercer County court earlier in the day (which he will do today). A gay man that allegedly was attempting to blackmail the Governor for millions of dollars by claiming to reveal the Governor's secret -- a secret that makes for a juicy headline.

However, the issue goes much deeper than this. McGreevey resigned for other reasons with the primary reason being that the office of the Governor of the State of New Jersey was now compromised. His confession was the first step to alleviating that situation. The people of the State of New Jersey deserve a leader to devote his time to governing the state. They deserve someone who can focus their attentions on the issues at hand. They deserve a leader -- whether you agree with his policies or not -- who will make decisions that better the State of New Jersey. McGreevey chose the right move and offered to remove himself from a position that was now compromised.

There will be inquiries and questions asked about how deep the blackmailing went. They are all valid questions that NEED to be asked. They will be done in due time, and I hope they find all that was wrong with the situation. I just encourage people to stop saying this all happened because he was gay.

Admitting you are gay has to be one of the most personal and difficult decisions that a person can make, and for that I admire Gov. McGreevey for finally accepting what type of person he is. ( I do not say that condescendingly either. It was the only word I can use to effectively express what I am trying to say.) He is a human being who made some mistakes and now must learn to live with the repercussions.

One last note... Initially, I thought that his decision to not resign until November 15, 2004 was mostly a political one that was designed to protect the Democrats in the state. On the most basic level it is. On another level, with the way people are reacting to this situation by blindly focusing on the gay issue, I am glad that the election won't be held until 2005. The upcoming presidential election is already going to be divisive enough with the two extremes already in a negative pissing match. Even with all that is going on, the Republicans in the State of New Jersey do not have a viable candidate that would be able to run against someone like a Jon Corzine. They would be forced to turn to negative campaigning and I fear how ugly that can get. I am glad to be spared from the political wreckage that could result from this.

I am done for now. I feel as though I have so much more to say, but I don't have the energy to add it. Have a good day today folks and remember something important -- The Olympics start tonight. That should be fun.

Thursday, August 12, 2004

Three days, sixty miles, a million thanks

As you know... muh honey went on a 3 Day Walk. Below is the thank you letter she sent to folks who donated money to her.

I hope it moves you as much as it moved me.

Dear everyone,

Thank you again for supporting me in the Breast Cancer 3-Day; your sponsorship allowed me to have an amazing, inspirational, unparalleled experience, and I'm so incredibly grateful for it.

About a thousand of us (mostly women, but a handful of men) -- of all shapes, sizes, ages, and levels of physical activity -- walked in the NYC 3-Day, through all five boroughs, plus Bayonne and Jersey City. Together we walked, ate, stretched, cried, hugged, camped, port-a-pottied, hobbled, smiled, and raised $3 million to fight breast cancer.

During the opening ceremonies, we were told that our experience this weekend would show us the world as we hoped it could always be. I thought it was a little corny, and I didn't quite believe it, but it turned out to be true. We helped each other through the rough spots; we cheered each other on; we drew strength from each other. People with leg braces, wrapped knees, and some really nasty blisters kept walking, without whining. They may have wanted to cry or scream or quit, but they plugged on -- for their mom or aunt or sister or wife or co-worker who was battling breast cancer, or just because they wanted to honor their commitment to finish the 60 miles.

One of the best parts of the weekend was the friendly faces we encountered during the way: strangers who stood on street corners, holding signs, cheering, and offering us water or real bathrooms; volunteers who rode their bikes through the course and told us (sometimes less than truthfully) that we looked great and that the next pit stop wasn't too far away; drivers who honked their horns and giving us thumbs-up out the window; firefighters who parked their truck in the middle of the road and applauded as we entered our 59th mile. These were the moments that made us smile and cry, that helped to sustain us even when we were at our most tired and sore.

The mantra at the opening and closing ceremonies of the 3-Day was "We walk, because we believe…". I believe that we made a difference this weekend, and I can’t thank you enough for the difference that you made through your support. Thank you so much.

Information and registration for the 2005 3-Days is already up at file://www.the3day.org/; they're not doing a New York event next year, but they are holding one in Philly and lots of other fun cities. I may be up for another!

With many thanks, Brian's Muh Honey (As Per muh honey's directive.)

Wednesday, August 11, 2004

Lucky Me

Lucky Me

Recently, muh honey and I were the proud recipients of a brand new set of front steps. They steps look fantastic and we are proud of the work done by Jack. (By the way, if anyone needs some work, I totally recommend him and will get you his information.)

With the addition of new steps, we have the removal of the old steps. Partially rotted wood with rusty nails sticking out of them. It was a tetanus dream.

Our town follows strict rules when it comes to the disposal of such items. I set out yesterday to make each of these pieces of wood comply with the requirements. I grabbed my trusty saw and hammer, set up the garbage cans to be a work bench and went at it.

The pieces of wood had to be less than 6 feet long and placed in garbage cans that did not exceed 50 pounds. I decided to remove as many of the nails as possible as it would be very dangerous putting that in a trash can.. let alone for the garbage men.

So...I was outside... breaking up the old front steps...sawing.. hammering... etc etc etc... I was extremely careful... probably more careful than I have ever been in my entire life. I had one more board to go when I tripped over my own foot and fell backward.... not fall down but my foot went backwards to brace me.
That's when I stepped on a rusty nail...and it went through my sneaker.

I was of course scared Sh*tless by this and immediately went inside to check it out. I was ready to grab my keys and head right over to the hospital to get it checked out.

I pulled off my sneaker and I saw the hole in it. I then pulled off my sock and saw , with MUCH relief that the nail did NOT penetrate my skin.
VERY lucky
I put the shoe back on and went out and finished the project... a good two hour project.

I was extremely careful and now I will be even more careful again in the future... That scared the hell out of me.

For everyone else... have a nice day and remember how hard your carpenter friends work and think of the dangers they face...

Tuesday, August 10, 2004

And Now We Join Another Strategy Meeting....

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now what are you asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you, Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's whose name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone. (Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?

Someone typed this up...

as a reason to come to Hawaii!!!


GoHawaii - Kauai - Kilauea Lighthouse

Top Five Tuesday Makes its Triumphant Return

Top Five Things You Should Not Say In Front Of Your Fiancee
1. The Bachelor Party will have ponies and cotton candy I am sure.
2. What? She looked 18.
3. Register! Awesome! but Fortunoff? No way! Frederick's Of Hollywood!
4. Porn is my life.
5. Am I the Ultimate Fighting Champion?

Top Five Porn Name
1. Downy Soft
2. Dick Kamin
3. Rush Mountmore
4. Pickle Pants
5. Ivanna Scrue

Top Five Dream Jobs
1. Actor
2. Porn Star (This could go in list #1.)
3. Food Taster
4. BEER Taster
5. WINE Taster

Top Five Things That Separate Lance Armstrong From the French
1. Toothpaste
2. Deodorant
3. Soap
4. Class
5. Sheryl Crowe

Top Five Ways to Skin a Cat
1. Knife
2. Razor
3. Machette
4. Rusty Nail
5. Love Songs Station -- 24 Hours of Love Music...

Top Five Good Things About Seth Being Away On His Honeymoon
1. He doesn't bother me about fantasy football
2. It makes Leslie happy and we all know that we love Leslie more than anyone else. She is cool.
3. Another country for the United States to make excuses to for our citizens' behavior.
4. Quiet
5. No more movie reviews of spectacular films like Bad Santa.

Monday, August 09, 2004

Can You Name All 53 States?

This is horribly funny and horribly horrible at the same time.

Click here.

The 54 Page book is also known as "Bush's Plan For America"

He Is my hero

He truly is.

Please note that Rumsfeld doesn't even look at him as though something is wrong. He must think it is the right thing to do.

Click here.


My resume is up to date... but I am not sure what "experience" I may need.

Click here for info.

Cereal Killer

(Today's Blog is dedicated to those guys that used to ride in a car with me in High School.)


I heard a really funny joke this weekend!

Here goes.

There was this family who was on a vacation and they stopped a fancy and large hotel one night. They enjoyed the room and loved many of its features like the remote controlled television, the free internet hook up and the complimentary wet bar.

It was the life, but the room lacked in breakfast items.

The youngest son left the room and went on a trip to the front desk. He went down the first hall, then made a left, then made a right, then made a left, then made a right, then made a left, then made a right, then made a left, then made a right, then made a left, then made a right, then made a left, then made a right until he finally reached the front desk.

It was quite a trip but he was happy to be there. He asked the guy behind the counter what types of cereal he had for breakfast.

The guy behind the counter replied, "We have Cocoa Puffs and Corn Pops."

The kid said -- I will take some Corn Pops.

The took his Corn Pops and made the long trip back to the room. He went down the first hall, then made a left, then made a right, then made a left, then made a right, then made a left, then made a right, then made a left, then made a right, then made a left, then made a right, then made a left, then made a right until he finally reached the room.

It was his sister's turn now. She left the room and went on a trip to the front desk. She went down the first hall, then made a left, then made a right, then made a left, then made a right, then made a left, then made a right, then made a left, then made a right, then made a left, then made a right, then made a left, then made a right until he finally reached the front desk.

It was quite a trip but she was happy to be there. She asked the guy behind the counter what types of cereal he had for breakfast.

The guy behind the counter replied, "We have Cocoa Puffs and Corn Pops."

The girl said -- I will take some Corn Pops.

The took her Corn Pops and made the long trip back to the room. She went down the first hall, then made a left, then made a right, then made a left, then made a right, then made a left, then made a right, then made a left, then made a right, then made a left, then made a right, then made a left, then made a right until she finally reached the room.

The oldest brother started to get hungry so he left the room and went on a trip to the front desk. He went down the first hall, then made a left, then made a right, then made a left, then made a right, then made a left, then made a right, then made a left, then made a right, then made a left, then made a right, then made a left, then made a right until he finally reached the front desk.

It was quite a trip but he was happy to be there. He asked the guy behind the counter what types of cereal he had for breakfast.

The guy behind the counter replied, "We have Cocoa Puffs and Corn Pops."

The kid said -- I will take some Cocoa Puffs.

The kid took his Cocoa Puffs and made the long trip back to the room. He went down the first hall, then made a left, then made a right, then made a left, then made a right, then made a left, then made a right, then made a left, then made a right, then made a left, then made a right, then made a left, then made a right until he finally reached the room.

The mother came out of the shower and saw her children eating cereal and decided to go get some breakfast herself. She left the room and went on a trip to the front desk. She went down the first hall, then made a left, then made a right, then made a left, then made a right, then made a left, then made a right, then made a left, then made a right, then made a left, then made a right, then made a left, then made a right until she finally reached the front desk.

It was quite a trip but she was also VERY happy to be there. She asked the guy behind the counter what types of cereal he had for breakfast.

The guy behind the counter replied, "We have Cocoa Puffs and Corn Pops."

Mom said -- I will take some Corn Pops.

She took her Corn Pops and made the long trip back to the room. She went down the first hall, then made a left, then made a right, then made a left, then made a right, then made a left, then made a right, then made a left, then made a right, then made a left, then made a right, then made a left, then made a right until she finally reached the room.

Now... Daddy was getting annoyed about how long all of this was taking so he left the room and went on a trip to the front desk. He went down the first hall, then made a left, then made a right, then made a left, then made a right, then made a left, then made a right, then made a left, then made a right, then made a left, then made a right, then made a left, then made a right until he finally reached the front desk.

It was quite a trip but he was happy to be there. He asked the guy behind the counter what types of cereal he had for breakfast.

The guy behind the counter replied, "We have Cocoa Puffs and Corn Pops."

The kid said -- I will take some Corn Pops.

The took his Corn Pops and made the long trip back to the room. He went down the first hall, then made a left, then made a right, then made a left, then made a right, then made a left, then made a right, then made a left, then made a right, then made a left, then made a right, then made a left, then made a right until he finally reached the room.

So what is the moral to this whole story/joke?

Four out of five people prefer Corn Pops to Cocoa Puffs.

Have a nice day.

Sunday, August 08, 2004

Eye Rolls Are Good

I was watching the end of Bruce Almighty the other day at lunch and I heard a line that didn't resonate the first time I watched it.

"Behind every great mind, there is a woman rolling her eyes."

How appropriate is that for muh honey and me?

I have a pretty interesting sense of humor and I know that she is rolling her eyes behind me when I say and do some of the things that I do. I can act wacky or crazy and she will always love me.

Heh heh... Did I mention yesterday that she rocks?

She should be coming around the home stretch pretty soon now..... GO MUH HONEY! (provoke eye roll.)

Saturday, August 07, 2004

Muh Honey Does Good

Muh Honey Does Good

Muh honey is doing something tremendous right now. She is participating with muh future sister in law in a 3 day, 60 mile walk to raise money and awareness to benefit the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation. Net proceeds benefit the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation and the National Philanthropic Trust, funding important breast cancer research, education, screening and treatment. She had to raise $2000 and she did it.

I spoke to her yesterday after she did the first 10 miles and she is just in incredible spirits about the whole thing.

She is great and should totally be commended for doing this!

You rock muh honey!

You rock more than cheese.

Friday, August 06, 2004

Hardest Birfday

My gally gal friend turned 30 yesterday and it got me thinking about birfdays. As most of you know, I LOVE my birfday. I love the experience of seeing muh friends gather to hang out and catch up on old times. Back in the day, muh birfday was used as an excuse to see the old high school friends that we had lost touch with during college. No one really cared that it was muh birfday...we just all wanted to get together and drink beers.

Birfdays are the day of the year in which people are around to celebrate the fact that you were born. You mean something to people and they celebrate the impact that you have had in their lives. Birfdays rock...or at least they are supposed to.

On the other extreme, I remember how birfdays just plain suck sometimes... because I recently heard someone ask a friend that stupid and insane question that I hear on every birfday. "How does it feel to be XXX?" It feels the exact same as it did yesterday. I am now 15 minutes older...but now I have a new number to say when I fill out forms at the doctor's office.

I did ask though if my friend had any trouble with being the big 30 which seems to set off a lot of folks into a state of depression. She didn't. In fact, her response was the exact same as mine when asked that question. "25 was a tough year...30 is nothing." 30 was just another year for me but 25 was my roughest birfday yet.

It was sort of a cross roads for me. I had to essentially become an adult. When you reach 25, you aren't young enough to blame the majority of your dumb mistakes anymore on being naive or young. You have to take responsibility for your actions. For some like muh friend and I, we realized this and turning 25 became somewhat of a depressing year.

How about you guys? What was your hardest year? Why? I can also say that 27 was a pretty hard year but that was because of some tough things that were going on. Yeah.. 27 wasn't a good year either... that's why I started up the BT Birfday Bash for 28.

I bet you guys can't wait to see what I have planned for 31. Perhaps a wife beater T Shirt? Nah.. not even I would do that.

Thursday, August 05, 2004

I can finally like Springsteen now...

and R.E.M. and the Dave Matthews Band. No reason to before... now... I have faith.

Springsteen speaks: 'The goal is very clear'
Thursday, August 05, 2004
BY JAY LUSTIG Star-Ledger Staff
A ROCK 'N' ROLL dream team including Bruce Springsteen, Pearl Jam, R.E.M. and the Dave Matthews Band will launch its own political campaign over eight days in October. These artists will attempt to boost John Kerry's run for the presidency by raising money and rallying voters with 34 shows, in nine swing states.

Who needs Linking Verbs?

I have been giving this some thought over the past couple of years. I hate linking verbs. They make everything so neat and packaged. They make everything seem so perfect and they make everything flow. I would like to propose that we rid the world of linking verbs and I offer up the following pieces of evidence.

1. How big does your smile get when a 6 year old does something messed up and he looks at you with those big eyes and says -- I sorry. How can you be pissed at something like that? It is as cute as a baby seal. Just plain adorable. The kid doesn't need a linking verb...he just speaks from what he knows. He goes straight from the I into the sorry. This kid doesn't mess around and is cute in the process.

2. Linking verbs represent too much effort in the MTV world that we live in. When I walk into a meeting, I want to demonstratively announce -- I here. I have eliminated an entire syllable and now that meeting can end that much quicker. Imagine if everyone eliminated linking verbs? Meetings would be over in 3/4 of the time! Of course, this would take some getting used as the first few meetings would be confusing to many people as they tried to decipher what people meant.

3. What is the most remembered Bible verse? 1. Jesus wept. Does that have any linking verbs? No. The Bible was a document void of many linking verbs and so should our lives today.

Linking verbs have been a great crutch for our society for many years. I hope that you will all join my fight to eliminate linking verbs! They are destroying our youth! And as the greatest president of our time has said... "If you don't fight linking verbs, you are un-American."

Wednesday, August 04, 2004

Cheese Fries and Gravy

Cheese Fries and Gravy

A friend of mine was down this weekend with his wife. He is a resident of upstate Massachusetts and we let them sleep at our place.

Sunday morning rolled around and I made the following offer -- You guys was to go to a trendy-ish breakfast place or a diner that I don't know anything about? He immediately jumped at the opportunity to go to the diner. He later commented to me that he misses diners so very much up there and he wishes that Massachusetts had more.

We used to go to diners a bunch when we were in high school and in college. We would all order the same thing -- Cheese Fries With Gravy. Each of us seemed to order it differently too. I remember ER would get it with American cheese, while I would order it with Mozzarella cheese. I also remember JP would put a ton of salt on the gravy -- ton is an understatement.

We thought we had the market cornered on cheese fries and gravy -- no one else would ever order that. Then... I met others in college who did the same thing. It totally blew my world apart. Felix #9 diner was the only place to make cheese fries and gravy! I swear!

That weird combination got me thinking .. what else do I like that may seem odd to others but I am sure that at least one of you enjoys?

I love omelletes with pepperoni and mozzarella cheese in it and a layer of tomato sauce on top.
I love drinking soda in the morning -- no coffee for me.
I used to love to cover chicken patties in the orange cheese sauce at Rutgers. COVER
Food is always an interesting experiment with me. I love the standards and I love screwing them up somehow. Needless to say that I feel as though it was my density... I mean destiny. Was that Back to the Future on in the background?

I thought so.

Kudos to Cheese Fries and Gravy! I thank them for all the memories they helped create and friendships forged!

Tuesday, August 03, 2004

Random Thought

Muh honey and I went to see The Village last night. It is the latest spook fest from M. Night Shamalamadingdong. The guy can make movies well. As most of you know, his movies always have a surprise in the end. Let me ruin the movie for you.

The Butler did it.

I loved her then...

... I love her now....

Please note sarcasm.

Top Five Tuesday

Top Five Fun Things I Did Yesterday Concerning Lawn
1. Replaced teh Hose Rack and I Needed a Drill!
2. Watered It
3. Raked the Bald Spots Clean
4. Seeded and Fertilized It
5. Marvelled At Its Beauty

Top FIve Songs I Turn Up
1. AC/DC -- Shook Me All NIght Long
2. Simple Minds -- Don't You
3. U2 -- Anything but Kiss Me, Kill Me,... Crap me
4. Neil Diamond -- Forever In Blue Jeans
5. Song of the Moment -- We all have this one song... the one hit wonder in your life.

Top Five Things I Love to Eat
1. Chicken
2. Steak
3. Cheese
4. Chocolate
5. Ice Cream

Top Five Foreign Films
1. Cinema Paradisio
2. Olivier! OLIVIER!
3. Snatch
4. Johnny Stecchino
5. Red

Top Five Things You Should Do When You Get Read For Work
1. Not Fall Down the Stairs
2. Not Eat the Leftovers From Dinner
3. Turn off the Nightlight Since It Protected You From Monsters the NIght Before
4. Eat Chili
5. NOT Hit the Damn Snooze Button

That's it for now... I am off to a 7:30 meeting.

Monday, August 02, 2004

Breaking Up With a Friend

Breaking Up With a Friend

We all know what it is like to break up with someone that you have been in a relationship with -- boy or girl. It hurts. It makes you ache inside. Depending on the circumstances, it can make you not want to trust people ever again or it can make you swear off love forever.

For the majority of people, time heals the wounds and people move forward. They discover new people. They discover a new hobby. They entertain new friendships. It is all a part of growing up and moving forward.

As many of you know, I will be getting married to my best friend in 68 days. We talk about and share everything with each other. We have a comfortable relationship and nothing gets by either of us. It is what friends should be. You should want to spend time with that person. There should be a give and take. I give you a laugh.. you give me a laugh. Sometimes, the friendship turns into something more. I help you move, you help me move. I help you paint, you buy me pizza and beer. Whatever it is, friendship is one of the greatest things in this world and should be cherished.

Some friendships can be hard. We all have that one person in our lives that makes being friends hard. I don't want much from my friendships. I will give and give and give, almost to a fault. All I want is a hug every once in awhile or to have a beer with you. I will, in exchange, listen to my friends' problems or talk about their successes or laugh about the latest dumb thing we heard the president did. I don't think that is too much to ask.

I have been forced again recently to re-evaluate a decision I made about 18 months ago. I had a friend that I had known since Freshman year of high school. We spent a lot of time together and over 15 years, we became great friends.

Times change however.

I don't claim to be a saint and I know that in some situations, I can be a pain in the ass, but I was becomingly increasingly aware of how difficult this relationship was becoming for me. He was not happy with the way his life was going and for some reason, I was made to feel that I wasn't a good friend to him as I got more and more into a relationship with other people. Conversations on the phone and on the internet actually started draining me. I was physically tired after talking to him. He was draining me emotionally and I was trying to figure out how it was my fault. I may not have exactly promoted a totally friendly atmosphere but things didn't need to get where they were going. He was miserable about something greater than the issues that were getting in the way of our friendship.

The details of the arguments and situations is irrelevant. Needless to say, I needed a change and one day I did something that seems so silly to some and so smart to others.

I broke up with him as a friend.

He was much too draining and he said hurtful things to me in response to my actions. Muh honey and I thought it was a sad thing and I was pretty depressed about it for a week but as I said before, time heals wounds and you move forward.

Last night, a friend asked me if I ever spoke to him since the last time we talked about it. The correct answer is no and I haven't thought too much about it...that is... until now. I asked her why she wanted to know. She said that she felt life was too short to be worrying about this stuff. My reply was simple. I told her she was right and that life was too short to be worrying about this. I have people in my life that I want to spend time with. I know this sounds harsh, but I didn't want to spend time anymore with someone that was demanding so much of my energy and not giving anything back. I didn't want much. I just wanted a regular conversation...

so yeah... I ended the friendship. Much like someone who ends a relationship when they don't see it going anywhere, I ended a friendship that didn't seem to be going anywhere but down. Did I hurt his feelings? I am sure I did, but what else could I have done?

I am not sure how to end this blog, so I will do it with a few questions.

What is your definition of friendship and what limitations do you think should be placed upon it?
How much is too much?
What do you hope to gain from friendships?

Have a good one.

Sunday, August 01, 2004

Proposed Rule

One Crazy Summer was on again this morning and I .. of course... left it on for awhile. Bobcat Goldthwait and his twin brother still make me laugh with everything they do. I especially like it when Bobcat has a T-shirt that says "I'm With Stupid" and his brother has the shirt that says "Stupid." Now THAT's comedy folks.

It is fun to watch the movie as there has been so much that has changed over the years. Clothes, hairstyles, cars... but one thing remains constant some 20 years later.

The word DUDE.

I hate this word. This word should not be allowed to be used any longer. (Yes.. you Big Lebowski fans may not like my idea...but screw it...it is a dumb word.)

I propose a moratorium on the word DUDE. Anytime someone uses the word, I want that person to be "put in the penalty box" and is not allowed to speak for a full 2 minutes. If they break this rule, it is expanded to five minutes and if they have the audacity to use the word dude while breaking the rule, they are debarred as friend for a full week.

That's all I have today.

Dude sucks... stop saying it. Get a job. I leave you now.

The Smelmooo... NOT THE DUDE!!!