Monday, July 31, 2006

Let's Embarass The Future Employee -- What Your Lab Coat Says About You

When I see someone in a white lab coat, I think a few things.

1. That person must be a doctor. They command my respect and I will automatically defer to them on a lot of issues. I gotta respect them because they went through a bazillion years of schooling.

2. That person could also be a pharmacist. Did you know that most pharmacists go through 6 years of schooling? Seriously. That's a lot of years for them too. Lots of mad respect for them as well.

If they aren't a medical professional... then I have two other ideas...

3. Mad Scientist. I have seen enough cartoons to believe that there are a lot of mad scientists out there. Heck... if you believe Aqua Teen Hunger Force, there are a pair of them at the Jersey Shore...

4. Butcher or Killer. Yeah.. .like Sam in the Brady Bunch or all the Russians in Hostel. Years of watching crappy movies that usually had the word "slaughter" in them have jaded me about the careers of butcher and serial killers.

Sooo... muh wife and I were at Red Robin the other day to celebrate a pretty good occurence in her life. (Yeah... lame... I know...)

The wait staff wears red polo shirts and some sort of common colored pants. That's when we saw something weird... a woman walking around the restaurant frequently while wearing a white lab coat.

We couldn't figure it out for awhile and then finally saw the back of it.

It said -- "Potential Employee"

Ummm... what? We immediately began to wonder if that person was actually going through the interview process or was she pretty much hired and was just meeting everyone...

Regardless... it seemed somewhat mean to make someone wear this jacket....

I really wanted her to be a serial killer or related to the Brady's somehow.

Sunday, July 30, 2006

Some Funny Jokes... Just For You...


My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn't.


Marriage is a three-ring circus:
Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.


For Sale:
Wedding dress, size 8.
Worn once by mistake.


There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman:
Before marriage and after marriage.


Why were hurricanes usually named after women?
Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car.


The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job. "Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied.? "I've been divorced three times."


An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."


Reason Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder: All the DNA is the same.


I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward, looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?" Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?


Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes." They were seated immediately.


The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.


All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.


Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.


Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."
Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"


Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord... "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."


A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think should do?" "Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"


John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.
With his last breath John said, "I do!"


A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?" The man said yes and the Rabbi! replied, "Take the poison."

Saturday, July 29, 2006

Metuchen -- A Town of Crime

What a town to live in.

This was reported in the "Crime Blotter" of our local paper.

"Someone smashed the window and took the insurance card, mint candy, a religios medallion, and a flashlight from a parked motor vehicle in a parking lot on Woodbridge Avenue..."

I get a kick out of the reported "mint candy"

That's the crime here.


Friday, July 28, 2006

CollegeHumor Movie: If you're being interviewed on live TV, it's your responsibility to try to fake an injury.

CollegeHumor Movie: If you're being interviewed on live TV, it's your responsibility to try to fake an injury.

This is so funny... I heard about it on O&A today. I just love the reporter's reaction.

Book 34 of 26 -- Twelve Sharp by Janet Evanovich

One of my guilty pleasures every year is to read the annual installment of the Stephanie Plum series by Janet Evanovich.

Janet Evanovich's books are ... for some reason... international sensations. Her writing is simplistic and overly reliant on using cliches and formulaic storylines.

I can't say that over the 12.5 books in the series that a whole lot has changed int eh lives of the characters, but hey... it is a decent ride.

Her books focus on a character named Ms. Stephanie Plum, and she is a bounty hunter in Trenton, New Jersey... I find Evanovich's descriptions of the area to be sophmoric yet accurate enough to remind me of my time living just outside of Trenton. I think she's a bit harsh on the "jersey" stereotypes, but gotta sell books huh?

12 Sharp is the latest book (her Stephanice Plum books all have numbers in the title and the next book will obviously feature the number 13.)

It's a simple read and I laughed at points while trying to figure out the simplsitic plot. The plots are so simple that you often look too deeply into them.

Regardless... the latest in the series doesn't disappoint as Lula and Grandma have significant roles again... so for those of you that know the series.. you won't be disappointed.

Thursday, July 27, 2006

Book 33 of 26 -- Thriller (Compilation of Stories Edited by James Patterson)

Thriller: Stories to Keep You Up All Night is a complilation of THRILLER stories edited by the incomparable James Patterson.

One of the criteria that I use to identify a thriller is that it is an obstacle course. You introduce the characters and the main one you are supposed to sympathize or empathize with. You find out the bad stuff and then the main character has to overcome a series of obstacles -- many of which will kill the character -- and resolve the issue thus saving their lives or preventing the death/expulsion of others.

Simple. To me, a good thriller takes a MINIMUM of 150 to 200 pages to succeed in this. Most of the stories in this collection are very well written pieces, but by the time the 20 or so page stories are over, I am just getting into the characters. There just wasn't enough meat to each story and I am afraid that the book's sole purpose was just to use James Patterson's name to promote the writing of some lesser known authors.

It doesn't matter to me why this book was published, but let's be honest about something. Thrillers they aren't. Quick mysteries in the Ellery Queen style they are.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Smelmooo... the Canadian...(One of the Funniest Converstaions I Have Ever Had)

I have written about this a very long time ago, but I have the same name as a very famous political leader in Canada. When you do a google search for me on the internet, any reference to me doesn't appear until page 15 or so. I have seen this Canadian fella's name before in a number of places including a great newspaper article I once read when I happened to be in Canada about how 2% of those polled believed that (Famous Smelmooo) is the President of the United States...

But... I digress...

In my current job, I have been named to a lot of committees and funds that are listed on national lists and registries. One of these lists is an international collection of a lot of local groups.

I picked up the line when I had this conversation:

Woman: "Is this Mr. Smelmooo?"

Me: "Yes it is. How may I help you?"

Woman: "I have two John Smelmooo's in my system, and I wanted to verify them."

Me: "Ok... what do you need from me?"

Woman: "Do you or have you ever lived in Canada?"

Me: I have now realized what is wrong. "Um. No. Let me guess. That John Smelmooo is from Newfoundland?"

Woman: "Yes! How did you know?"

Me: "He shares my name... and now... apparently... we are both in the same club!"

Woman: "I guess you are. I see that you are just from New Jersey. Do you have a middle initial to differentiate you from the Prime Minister?"

Me: "If you knew he was the Prime Minister, why did you need to verify that __I__ John Smelmooo of New Jersey was not him?"

Woman: "I don't know..."

Me: "N"

Woman: "Thank you and have a nice day."

Me: "You too... but I think I will go invade Ireland now."

Woman: "You do that sir."

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Book 32 of 26 -- Proof Positive by Phillip Margolin

Proof Positive was a quick, well paced novel featuring some of the characters that I have learned to love while reading Phillip Margolin.

The book focusses on a criminalogist who intentionally flubs data and evidence to ensure convictions of "bad" people. For the sake of the novel and catching him, he eventually flips out and starts killing people. Lucky him that HE is the one investigating the evidence!

The book itself was great as I read the first 75 pages and was following three very interesting yet seemingly unrelated storylines, but through well done pacing and timing, they all melded together nicely and appropriately.

Proof Positive raised an interesting question for me... and after the proliferation of such shows as CSI, how much stock/reliability can we place in these types of people? Also, what happens when we put as much credibility into them as we do and they "go bad?" How can we ever trust one again?


For a good quick read that should take you no more than a few days, I really recommend Proof Positive. It will distract you and get you thinking.

My Missing Brother -- Michael -- A Tale About Santa and Muh Beliefs.

I consider myself a pretty funny person. I make cracks and jokes all the time and I get a pretty decent return on my jokes -- at least 75%. I am much like an Airplane! or Hot Shots movie in that I will bombard you with jokes and hopefully something will make you laugh.

A few years ago, I was hanging out with my mom and someone else when we started talking about my childhood and something that I did. I don't remember what it was that I did nor do I care.

My response to the story was to blame it on my missing older brother Michael that my mother had given up for adoption before I was born. We all laughed about it and let it go.

For years now, that reference continues to come up. Whenever I burp at the table or make a stupid remark, it is usually my mother or myself that says something tot he effect of -- "Smelmooo, that's gross. Your brother Michael would never have done that."

I smile and let it go as it was funny to reference my adopted older brother that I have never met... because... he doesn't exist. There was no older brother Michael and there never will be... but... he seems to "exist" now.

I think I can only hear so many jokes before I start to believe that he exists.

This is a weird socialization thing as far as I am concerned.

I grew up with Santa Claus in muh life... He came once a year and brought presents and all around good stuff to my house every year. I learned to really like the idea of Santa Claus and appreciate him for his generous ways... even if he mostly brought Sports Illustrated videos to us.

I eventually learned... like every kid.. that Santa Claus isn't real -- the horror!

I accepted that fact and I should have known since Santa Claus' handwriting always looked an awful lot like my mother's handwriting. Oh well...

So... fast forward to 2005 and 2006. I am a 32 year old grown man and I watch Christmas specials and the special Christmas episodes all the time. Each one of them generally has a Santa theme to it and I get sucked in. Yeah... I know he's fake, but at least one of these stupid special episodes makes me wonder if Santa is real.

This is similar to what I feel every time I hear Michael referenced... I wonder if he is real...

Then... I remember... he isn't.

Oh well...

Sunday, July 23, 2006

Why I Was Fired

For the last company picnic, management had decided that, due to liability issues, we could have alcohol, but only one (1) drink per person.

I was fired for ordering the cups.

Saturday, July 22, 2006

Really Fun Site

You guys should really check this site out.

It is extremely clever.

Click here.

Friday, July 21, 2006

So... I Was Bored .....

...and I decided to search for dirty words in a variety of search engines.

One of the engines that I picked was Yahoo TV! listings.

You type in a word or show title and a listing will come up with all the matches.

Penis drew NO MATCHES.

Breasts drew NO MATCHES.

Cock even drew NO MATCHES.

However.. when I typed in the word SPERM... this is what came up.

Listings Search Results
Searched next 14 days for "sperm" - found 2 matches (1-2 below) Sort: By Relevance | Chronologically
• Sail Away - "Fat Albert and the Sea Park"
DCKIDS, Fri Jul 21 02:00pm EDT

• Sail Away - "Fat Albert and the Sea Park"
DCKIDS, Sat Jul 22 03:30am EDT


(I know that it probably caught the word Sperm Whale... but come on!!!)

Thursday, July 20, 2006

This is How I Feel Today

Leah Remini: I Saw Suri! | Tom Cruise, Leah Remini :

Bullshit Leah.

Don't lie to me.

She DOESN'T EXIST! The adoption originally planned to produce Baby Suri didn't go through..and now they are scrambling for a new baby...

I know it to be true!

Click here.

Tucker's New Soccer Toy

I have written some blogs months ago about the removal of the dog toys that Tucker has destroyed. Muh wife and I continue to buy him some toys that he destroys in short order.

We don't want to waste money on toys anymore, but you should see the absolute excitement in his eyes when he sees and hears a squeaky ball. He jumps on it and attacks it to death. Literally... to death.

This weekend, I was at the local Petco and they were selling some plush-ish stuffed soccer balls with a squeaker in the middle of them for a dollar or so in honor of the World Cup. There were a few different colors and I went with the brown and white one.

I brought it home and let Tucker have it. He went to town on it and made it squeak like crazy. He would bring it over to me and I would throw it across the room. This went on for a few days. How awesome is this toy? He has no intention of destroying it at all.

Very cool.

Take a look at just how intense he is with the ball in these pictures... and how can you not love this face?

"Easy. He's just a dog." That was Seth........ dog hater.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Something I Don't Get... (Fridge Packs)...

...but it's marketing really.

I don't understand Fridge packs...

I know what you are saying... what?

Fridge packs are amazing inventions that need to be celebrated because they save room... in... my... fridge!

Smelmooo... say it isn't so! How can someone hate fridge packs!!!!??!?!?!

Easy... I find them to be a big lie. That's right... a lie...

They talk about how it conserves space and provides us consumers with easy access to soda.

What it does is use up the same amount of space the old shaped boxes used to since can sizes haven't changed AND cans never seem to roll to the front in the frequent fridge packs that we have in our house. It requires us to lift the box and essentially shake the cans up as they slam into the front of the box.

If I wasn't so lazy in our house, I would remove all the cans from the box and put them into the fridge in an intelligent and less violent manner... but no... I am lazy and a fridge pack slides right in... and for the next week or so... I will grit my teeth and get annoyed when I try to put in other items into the full refridgerator.

Okie dokie... I can go to sleep now... I have been doing too much thinking in my head.... because I took the time to write about how much I dislike Fridge Packs....when there are more important and scary things in the world ... like North Korea... I bet they wouldn't be doing this if they had fridge packs to worry about.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Driving in Highland Park -- Almost Dying... SERIOUSLY

Not too long ago, muh wife and I were on our way to the dog park in Highland Park. I have written about it in the past and it is a great place for dogs... especially Tucker.

Tucker was with us and he was standing guard in between us with his front paws on the center console and his back paws on the back seat. His position resembled Leonardo DiCarpio's on the Titanic during his famous announcement of being "King of the World."

Driving the speed limit entering Highland Park is an absolute necessity as the cops maintain a proper speed zone in town. I was in the passing lane of a four lane road that was going to merge into two lanes in about a 1/10 of a mile.

I was cruising along nicely and was about to pass a car travelling in the right hand lane. The was about 3-4 car lengths in front of me when it turned on its left hand turn signal. I was travelling too fast to let them pull in .. in front of me (still going the speed limit) so I didn't alter my speed.

This was when something happened that I have never seen happen before. Apparently, the left hand turn signal was not a signal that the driver wanted to merge into the lane that I was currently travelling in. It meant something completely different.


I was able to swerve the car into the oncoming traffic lanes and barely made it around the car in time. Seriously... barely... It scared the crap out of me and even when the car that was behind me caught up with me... we shared a look of commiseration.

I can safely say that I think that our car and us would have been seriously hurt if we had been going slightly slower or had not swerved at the last possible moment.

Thankfully... the park was two minutes away...

Iris & Lisa

Shari and I are wondeirng...

How long until Iris and Lisa do it?

Click here...

Monday, July 17, 2006

Getting Change -- A Moral Dilema

So... the other day... I went to a convenience store off the beaten path to buy some of the normal things that I buy for a day at the office. This was the first time that I have ever been to this particular store and I will probably never return to this place.

The bill came to $2.23.

I handed the attendant a 5 dollar bill and left without looking at my change. I was in a bit of a hurry and shoved the bills and coins in muh pocket.

When I got to the office, I pulled the money out to neatly put it into my wallet and drop the coins into a cup I have around to put loose change in. The coins fell out of my hand and onto the desk.

That's when I noticed that the three quarters were actually silver dollars... so when I did the math, I somehow made two cents on the transaction AND got the items that I wanted.

I'll be honest. If I had discovered the mistake at the time of the transaction, I would have told the attendant and gotten teh correct change, but because I didn't pay attention and walked out in a hurry, I was able to benefit from someone's mistake.

It almost doesn't seem worth it to take back the $2 difference to the store and I probably won't.

How many of you out there would actually take the money back? It's an interesting question and it makes me wonder if I am a bad person or if I am simply putting too much thought into this.

I am leaning towards the latter.

Sunday, July 16, 2006


... it's like .. umm... going to be like... 100 degrees today....

Okie dokie...

Saturday, July 15, 2006

A Test For You

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.

In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?


Get off the children's "Merry-Go-Round", you're drunk

Friday, July 14, 2006

Book 31 of 26 -- Double Tap by Steve Martini

I just finished reading the last Steve Martini book that he wrote and I was SOOOOO happy with it.

Double Tap was a return to the courtroom dramas that I really liked AND it featured the character of Paul Madriani, who I also really like.

I am happier than the Jerk at the gas station.

"Attorney Paul Madriani defends a highly decorated soldier on trial for murder and unwittingly steps into a maze of secrets and lies that the United States government - and possibly even his client - would rather leave hidden and undisturbed. "

I found this book to be entertaining and somewhat educational. It was a tremendous read.... even though my library version of the book weighed something like 6 pounds.

The library only had one copy available for me to read and it was the LARGE PRINT version. The book before large print was something around 450 pages, but when it was converted to LARGE PRINT, it was over 700 pages. I felt like I was reading IT by Stephen King all over again.

Double Tap is a fun read and it marks the end of my current Steve Martini reading... oh what will Steakbellie do without The Jerk jokes to make?

I can't tell ya... and I don't wanna.

I knew it! Iris Gets Banged Part Deux

It was Michael!

I am still inclined to think that this thing is fake.

Click here...

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Strange Plane Sighting...

Last week, I was driving around New Jersey.

I literally mean... driving AROUND NEW JERSEY.

I started my day in beautiful Edison, New Jersey. I then drove to the lovely gangland of Trenton, New Jersey for an early morning meeting. Once I completed that leg, I was off to Atlantic City, New Jersey for yet... another meeting! That cleared and I was off to Newark, New Jersey for a lovely ceremony and dinner event.

I put over 300 miles on the car and I was feeling a bit punchy in between each of my destinations.

On the trip from Trenton to Atlantic City, I decided to travel down Route 539 -- a hidden short cut to Atlantic City that essentially cuts across the entire state. For the 40 mile stretch, there is VERY LITTLE contact with the real world and only 4 traffic lights the entire trip.

Much of the trip is also through the Pinelands. If I am not mistaken, the famous Sopranos episode where they drop the dead body off in the Pinelands was filmed just off this road.

Anyway... I am driving along and I see a commercial jet flying a good 600 to 700 feet above my head. it freaked me out a bit, but I see this stuff every once in awhile.

However... I saw it again about 6 minutes later and then again 4 minutes later. I pulled off the side of the road and grabbed my camera to take its picture.

The picture doesn't do it justice... Click on it and enlarge it. You will get a much better idea of how close it was. You could hear the engines roaring... that's how freaky it was.

As an avid fan of the X-Files when it was on, I started thinking some weird stuff. I even turned on the news to hear if any possible airport or anything would have caused a plane to be "floating" above our heads.

No terrorism... no airports of a size that could handle a plane of that size in the area... I just couldn't figure it out.

Guess what? I have had you read all of this and I STILL don't know what it was about. Now you don't either...

I was just "plane" freaked out. Oh well.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Who Banged Iris?

My guess is that the person was under 18 because...clearly... she knows what stuatatory rape is.


Click here...

Birfday Greeting

Carrie's Abby is ONE today.

Not bad...

I think she has lived in 16 different states so far.

An Interesting Discovery... Flavored Potato Chips...

Soooo.... I read Steakbellie's blog quite a bit and he is a bit of a competitive food eater.

It makes me feel somewhat strange and since I only know him through a friend and through his blog -- never having met in person, I have trouble describing his "antics" to muh real life friends.

He gets me wondering about food and its role in our lives as well as in my life.

But I digress because I found the absolute most disgusting and incredibly wonderful potato chip flavor the other day.

LAY'S STAX® Spicy Buffalo Wings Flavored Potato Crisps

HOLY CRAP. These taste exactly like a buffalo wing in that they are spicy and to the immediate taste... are like licking a chicken wing.

HOWEVER... they smell horrible and when I opened up the container, muh wife got green in the face and looked as though she was going to puke... I wish I was kidding...

I was in love with the chip... but I will probably not get them again....

It says on the package that it is for a limited time so if you are going to try them out... go for it soon... it has Superman Returns packaging on it......which means... it won't be around for long.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Basic Instinct 2 -- Part Deux

It's over.

I bet you can't wait for my 3 Word Movie Review... can you?

Smelmooo's Overview of Soccer & World Cup

So... it is over and I really enjoyed it.

Of the 66 matches, I watched a portion or all of approximately 30 games. I enjoyed watching one of my favorite sports and let me just say that I loved the ESPN 360 that let me watch games... even when I was at work.

Now... before I list a few of my highlights... I want to make one quick statement.

If you don't like soccer or you don't understand the complexities of the game, shut the hell up. The one amazing thing that soccer evokes in the United States is a deep hatred or passion. I heard one of two types of statements during the World Cup from those people that know that I love the game.

1. " Did you see that ... (Insert awesome event here...)?" Then, we would talk about the game or the event and enjoy the rest of our conversation.

2. "I HATE soccer. I don't understand the stupid f-ing sport and the World Cup is shit." Why do you have to be argumentative? Just keep your mouth shut and don't be so stupid. Most of the time, they tried to prove their points by pointing out the poor performance of the Untied States. The United States was/is one of the top 36 teams in the world... and made it to the World Cup through hard work and play (not an automatic bid). They were also the ONLY team to not get beaten by Italy who beat six other teams to win the entire World Cup.

Now... with that said, I do remember SZG and our discussion. We discussed the World Cup and he admitted that he tried and just didn't understand. Great! Thanks to him for not being a jackass and trying to ruin the sport/event for me.

Ok... muh highlights.

1. The United States was the only team to NOT lose to Italy... the World Cup champions... AND they did it one man down for the entire second half. That was truly a remarkable event...but I am not supposed to like soccer because the United States "sucks." Stupid me.

2. Renaldo breaking the World Cup scoring record.

3. Zeidine's head butt in the last ten minutes of overtime in the final game was absolutely absurd. It almost ruined the entire event by being absolutely pathetic.

4. I am mostly in awe of goalkeepers. They dive and act all nutty and make some of the most athletic and acrobatic moves from any sport.

Alright... that's enough for me... I am out of here and I can't wait until South Africe in 2010.

Monday, July 10, 2006

Basic Instinct Two....

Speaking of incredible movies...

Basic Instinct TWO is in the mail!

God Bless

Open Letter to the Pirates 2 Haters

Dear Haters,

Apparently, having a good time and checking your reality at the door is too much to ask from you all.

Pirates 2 was a wonderfully FUN movie. It wasn't the greatest movie ever made, but I can certainly say that it was one of the funnest times I have ever had at the movies.

The adventure and action shots were over the top but not reliant on special effects. They were character driven and made enough sense for me not to care.

Johnny Depp was perfect in the role and I would argue not in the movie enough, but too much more would have been overkill (Thanks Dan for that thought.)

Pirates 2 was a blast and if you have the ability to enjoy yourself and think about nothing, this movie is perfect since it is just a long and fun roller coaster ride.



P.S. That ending was awesome. I can't wait until May 27, 2007 to see how they resolve it. For the one person that didn't know it was a transitional movie and complained about it.... *yawn*... too bad.

Book 30 of 26 -- The Arraignment by Steve Martini

Only two more bad Steve Martin jokes by Steakbellie to go.

While away on a mini-vacation with the in-laws, I was able to read a book. Usually when I go on a trip like this, the reading is a plenty, but on this trip, it was severely lacking... for two reasons.

1. There was always company to talk to or interact with.
2. This book just didn't thrill me that much.

I have written about the Paul Madriani character from Steve Martini before and I enjoy reading the Madriani character books by Martini...

The Arraignment featured the Madriani character and I figured that it would be one of the gooder Martini books, but I got bored with it pretty easily. The story was "exciting." The plot wasn't horrible, but something about it was just not right. I am not sure what.

I think that it was because it wasn't a court room drama like the other books I read. This was a story about trying to figure out who the killer was... but none of it took place in a courtroom... just other countries and exotic locales. It was a different kind of mystery than I had signed up for.

Since I can usually find something positive to say about everything, I will add this... it is probably a really good paperweight... but at the same time... it isn't/wasn't horrible... just not special...

Sunday, July 09, 2006

Don't Know If It's True But....

No charge for directory assistance................
Cell phone companies are charging us $1.00 or more for 411 /information calls when they don't have to.

When you need to use the 411 / information option, simply dial 1-800 - FREE - 411
or 1 - 800 373 3411 without incurring a charge.
THIS is information people don't mind receiving - Pass it on.
Works on home phone also.

Saturday, July 08, 2006

The Nudist -- A Joke

The Nudist!

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.

Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo.

He's really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says:

Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style . . it makes your nose look short. Love, Gramma

Friday, July 07, 2006

Stealing Your Friends' Friends

So... I was involved in a pretty interesting conversation the other day with a group of folks. Funny thing is, everyone agreed to the principal of the idea... just not if it is possible.

The qustion was very simple -- Is it alright to "steal" some of your friends'.... friends? My thoughts and the thoughts of the group... YES.

Now... the question then becomes... how do you do it and what is the appropriate amount of time before you can separate and/or make it a new friendship of your own?

Here's what I mean.

We have some friends that we enjoy spending time with and will continue to enjoy spending time with them for the unforseeable future. They have a pair of really cool friends. Every single time that we see the new couple, we thoroughly enjoy hanging out with them.

There is absolutely no reason that we would have ever met them in our lives. None. They are similar and different than us, but each time we hang out, we laugh our asses off and have fun.

So much so... that... we want to hang out with them more than we do right now, but we only see them with the original friends... so... I ask again:

Is it alright to hang out with them without the pair that introduced them to you?

I think it is, but the rules of friendship and engagement are somewhat vague here. Should it really matter HOW you met someone if you want to spend more time with them? You don't want to offend anyone... but you want to enjoy life... no?

Now... let's assume that you have decided to spend more time with that new pair of friends... how do you do it without insulting the original couple when it ultimately has nothing to do with them? This is kind of a tough question and situation because it really does have nothing to do with the initial group. You aren't liking them less, but they might get offended by you circumventing them.

I can't figure it out all here, but I would love to hear what everyone's opinions are on the subject.

Funny thing about this is that I am sure that there are a couple of people reading this thinking if it is them that I am talking about.

Seriously...stop thinking about it so much... you just proved my point.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

What I Learned on My Summer Vacation -- Part Three

Holy crap... I learned more than I thought I did.

1. Billboards for fireworks shops were everywhere and they didn't let us down. There were fireworks stores that were full blown two story buildings... stores that were one story that seemed to leantos made of plywood... stores that were big tents and even a couple of stores that were just a table and a child without any covering next to a gas station. I really wanted to buy some fireworks... just because I never have and it isn't illegal here. Something told me that I shouldn't and I am glad that I didn't since the place I was staying in the Outerbanks didn't allow fireworks. Phew...

2. When muh wife and I went on trips in the past, we would thoroughly enjoy ourselves and then get all depressed when it was time to leave. We would drag ourselves out of wherever we went.. sad to be going home when we just had a fabulous time. That doesn't happen anymore. We don't get bummed out as much when we come home... why? We can't wait to see and play with Tucker. Tucker makes us happy and he makes the trips home worth it even more. Very little makes me as happy as when I see his little face come out of the "resort" with the excitement I love.

3. No matter where I go and no matter who I hang out with, it is amazing how awesomely I get treated when I wear my "Cheese is Good" t-shirt. Muh in-laws loved it and couldn't stop saying it to me even a couple of days later. That shirt is truly a powerful shirt. I wish I had gotten half the response to muh "Ninja Assassin" shirt that muh "Cheese is Good" shirt got.

4. One of the coolest things in the world is a thunderstorm. One of the coolest things cooler than a thunderstorm is watching a thunderstorm from the third floor of an all glass wall of windows over the ocean. One of the coolest things cooler than the last sentence is doing it with your honey ... with a cold beer.

5. Many lessons... and now I am home... for a few days... already learning a few new things on top of it... Smooches to all... especially muh wife and puppy-ish... best dog in the whole world.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

What I Learned on My Summer Vacation -- Part Two

I have already written a What I Learned on My Summer Vacation type blog about things I learned/experienced on my summer vacation. I thought I would write a few more things... I bet I write another one tomorrow too.

1. One of the things that I can safely say that I have never done as a grown up is to drive on the beach. At the end of Route 12, the road abruptly stops and drivers continue onto the beach. (You can't park anywhere in the first 1/2 mile or so... in case you were wondering...) It was like driving in the snow and when the car would lose a bit of traction or start to spin out, I remembered to turn INTO the spin and it would straighten itself out. It was different and I thought pretty cool. Would I do it again? Yeup... but I would be sure to bring the swim suits and towels instead of just driving on it.

2. Sexual innuendos run rampant all over the island. The billboards on the way in and the T-Shirts that people wear are all over the place. Here are a couple of examples. There was a billboard or 20 or so advertising "Try My Nuts" -- a nut shop. They had funny t-shirts with goofy pictures and that's how crazy it was. There was also a place called "Dog Nutz" which was essentially a shop of dog pharaphenalia. Loads of fun. Oh yeah... let's not forget Dirty Dick's Crab House where you get a shirt that says... "I got crabs at Dirty Dick's."

3. One of the nicest sounds in the world is the laughter of children. It really is a great sound. What is more pure really? When you get a child to genuinely bust a gut, there is nothing more satisfying... There is one thing however that drives me absolutely insane though. I don't really need nor do I want to hear the laughter when I am in bed trying to steal a few extra minutes of sleep while on vacation. I normally get about 5 hours of sleep on most nights but I wanted to try to get 6 or even 7. Laughing and running kids in the room above my head... not my favorite thing.

4. I dropped my phone into the pool... chlorinated pool. After a couple of hours blowing it dry with a hair dryer and trying different things I saw on the internet, I gave up and left the phone for dead. Yeup... dead... there was no life in the phone... I can't lie... it pissed me off. Not so much for the losing all my stored numbers OR losing access to my phone and friends, but because I just plain felt dopey. Dopey... nothing I hate more than feeling dopey. Stupid is one thing... but dopey is another.

5. In all seriousness... a seven and a half hour drive is tough enough, but when you do it alone, it isn't that great. Thank goodness that the ride home was with muh wife. That wasn't nearly as bad since she makes almost everything better... ALMOST you say? She doesn't make porn or strip clubs better...

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest

Damn Steakbellie for making me care AND tape this stupid event.

I was actually rooting for someone.

I need a burger.

Happy Fourth of July -- Top Five Tuesday


1. It is really the only holiday which can be celebrated in a bikini. (Mine is pink with black dots.)
2. Fireworks... no matter how the same they are every year... really do rock.
3. There isn't any real commitment to the day. Maybe a beer... maybe a burger... but... day off.
4. T.V. stations run marathons of some pretty awesome shows... like What's Happening?
Honorable Mention -- Lazy Blogging

Monday, July 03, 2006

What I Learned on My Summer Vacation -- Part One

You saw a bunch of blogs by muh wife where she made a list of things that she learned while on her summer vacation. My version of the trip to the Outerbanks was four days shorter (as I had a pressing work engagement), but I was still extremely happy to have learned a bunch of stuff muhself.

1. People have much different expectations of the same place. Tangent Woman and I went out to lunch at a place named Tomato Patch to meet some friends who happened to be a mile away at the same time. We expected somewhat crappy yet decent food, got it, and were happy. My sister-in-law, her husband, and three kids went to dinner there the last night (not knowing we had been there) and thought it was one of the worst dining experiences of their lives... It's really all about expectations.

2. I haven't been in a kayak or canoe since I was in high school so I was a bit scared at the thought of going in one in the tranquil waters of a local sound. Muh wife and I braved the extremely peaceful and calm waters and paddled around for an hour. We wished we had our camera, but we were a bit scared to take our camera into a possible "sinking" opportunity. Nothing bad happened and we returned unscathed after witnessing a really cool looking bird. It was black like a crow, but there were two bright red blotches right were its "shoulders" are.

3. Media rooms are cool and I really want to get one if muh wife and I ever decide to move. The house that we were staying in had a twelve seat media room with a movie screen. You could play DVDs, videos, satellite television, and the XBOX 360. I do not have a video game system at my house and never have, but the wireless controllers made Madden 2006 incredibly awesome. It really was like watching a football game on television and I was controlling it. Hey wife.... I need ... oh heck... forget about it... especially if you ever want to see me again.

4. I used to hate the beach. I really did. I hated the idea of sand and stuff in muh cracks and crevices. Muh wife basically convinced me to start joining her on trips to the beach a few years ago. Over the years, I have begun to like it more. At the house, there was a beach nearby (without lifeguards) and a heated pool. There was no real need to go to the beach and it appeared to me through discussions that she didn't really care if we went. I basically dragged her to the beach so that we could swim in the waves. I even body surfed a bunch of times -- something that I would have avoided just a few years ago.

5. I brought down four bottles of wine down to the beach -- bottles that I received from a club I am a member of -- Wine of the Month from It was a gift from someone and I enjoy receiving two bottles of wine each month as each bottle comes with a description. When we would crack one of these open at the house, four to six people would all have a glass and we would talk about it. It was really neat and I was happy to see that the latest person in the family was able to contribute something so popular.

Sunday, July 02, 2006

We're Home

All are safe and sound.

Thank god for that.