Thursday, September 30, 2004

Survivor Obsession... Continues

My obsession continues... and so does the game...

Two folks got booted this week.... one for each of us...

Twila... I still like you but be a bit more feminine.
Mia... thank you for being gone... you were embarassing New Jersey.
Eliza... Shut up.
Scout... I am beginning to love you more.
Leann... you are my favorite lady.
Lisa... nice flotation devices...
Julie... yawn....
Ami... you are a close second.. something very classy about you...

Brady... for an FBI agent.. you seem awfully dopey...
Lea... keep military man on tv...
Chad... you gotta be the nicest person ever
John P....see ya...I was glad to see my own player get cut
John K...where did the strategy come from?
Rory... I really don't like you...
Chris... Highway workers rule! I hope you get more time to shine soon!
Bubba... nothing from you this week... can anyone say... Big Tom?

CURRENT SCORE -- Pork Chop Express (8 Remaining) -- MB's team (6 Remaining)

Pork Chop Express (Smelmooo)

Leann Slaby (2)
Lisa Keiffer (3)
Ami Cusack (7)
Chris Daugherty (10)
James 'Chad' Crittenden (11)
Eliza Orlins (14)
Dr. Scout Cloud Lee (15)
Twila Tanner (18)
John Palyok (6) BOOTED. WEEK THREE!

Ashhhfault (MB)
Brady Finta (1)
Lea 'Sarge' Masters (4)
Julie Berry (5)
Rory Freeman (9)
John Kenney (16)
Travis 'Bubba' Sampson (17)
Mia Galeotalanza (12) -- BOOTED!!!! WEEK THREE!!!!
Dolly Neely (13) --- BOOTED!!!! WEEK TWO!!!!!
Brook Geraghty (8) --- BOOTED! WEEK ONE!!!


As most of you know, I am a movie fan. I love going to the movies. I love watching movies on television. I love watching movies on DVD. Yes... I even love watching Freddie Prinze Jr. movies. (Side note -- a friend of a friend was just cast in a bit part in a Freddie Prinze Jr. movie. I have to go pretend to be her boyfriend so I can meet him.)

Movies are released and there is a certain amount of hype that they are released around. Often times, the movie meets the hype and or exceeds it. Most of the time however...the movie fails to meet the hype and muh expectations created by the hype.

A couple of examples of the latter include:

Garden State -- It was a good movie but not as tremendous as everyone made it sound.
Jurassic Park -- Ok... fake dinosaurs... I get it... I get it...
Titanic -- This was an overly blown up movie that basically took 3 hours to tell me... yeah... you can love a fat girl.
Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon -- Good movie again... but still... something missing.
Men in Black 1& 2 -- WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT CRAP?!!?!?!?

There are also some movies that are better than the hype

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind -- It got good reviews but far exceeded my expectations.
Blair Witch Project -- Yes... the movie itself is a poor movie..but the payoff was tremendous the first time I watched it. I knew there was a twist... but it still got me.
Singing in the Rain -- I really really really didn't want to like it... it is a top tenner.

and Hero.

Hero is the new import from China that features Jet Li. It is set over 2000 years ago and is one of the most gorgeous movies I have ever seen. The fight sequences were tremendous and really something that needs to be seen on the big screen. I am not ruining anything for you but the fight scene where the two women are fighting in the autumn leaves is still breathtaking...some 3 days later.

I read some of the reviews and they described the movie as a masterpiece in filmmaking. They described the film as perfection in directing and cinematography and dammit -- they are 100% correct. The colors are brilliant. The acting is understated. The action sequences are phenomenal, fantastical, and elegant. (Yes... elegant...the movie barely pulls a PG-13 rating. It could be PG.)

If you have/had any interest in seeing this movie, you should..and you should do it on the big screen. It is simply gorgeous.

As of now...

... it will be 70 degrees... no humidity... partly sunny... and 0% chance of rain. How much will that change over the next 9 days?

Wednesday, September 29, 2004

Just a little hobby...

We all have hobbies.

I have a hobby or two.

I like to sell things on Ebay... even if I just break even.

I like to read as well. I like to pick up the latest book and drain my brain in minutae or in drivel.

I also like to proofread menus at Asian restaurants. It started out a few years ago when I noticed that Asian restaurants and their owners have a great deal of problems with spelling, grammar and sentence structure. (Like me ... in muh blogs.)

I am willing to give the benefit of the doubt to many of these restaurants as they are immigrants who came to this country and made a good life for themselves here in the United States by supplying me with the type of food I enjoy. However, I am still perplexed that businesses that have been in the community for years and have very professional looking menus continue to have the grammar problems.

With increased success, comes glossier and funkier menus. With those improvements should come the ability to pay someone to check the language and grammar of the menus. Nope.

I have found that the Vietnamese menus are the worst, followed by the one Korean restaurant I have been too. The Japanese and Chinese seem to be either good or horrible, but the Thai are the best.

I look at it as a game really. I have never been to an Asian restaurant... no matter how nice the place is and NOT found at least one mistake in the menu. Generally, the mistakes are within the descriptions of food, but periodically, I find them in the titles of sections or in the welcoming "note."

I challenge you to try this game the next time you go to an Asian restaurant... Let me know the name of the restaurant if you find a menu without any mistakes. I will do what I can to become a regular there.

Or...even this...

I like porn.

I like John Kerry.

I am glad they are working together!



Oof... even this may be over the top.


Fox Orders Pilot Starring Barenaked Ladies
AP - 1 hour, 10 minutes ago
Fox Broadcasting Co. has ordered a pilot for a variety show starring the Barenaked Ladies that will feature the playful rock group performing music and comedy skits along with guest actors.
Sent: 144 times

Tuesday, September 28, 2004

Top Five Tuesday Returns... Yom Kippur Style!!!

Top Five Broadway Songs/Moments -- Last Three Years
1. Tevye's Dream -- New version is just so visually stimulating that I can't believe they do that night in and night out.
2. Finale to Avenue Q -- You think... Did I really just see the greatest Broadway musical of all time?
3. Chorus Line -- Paul's speech still gets me every time he makes it.
4. TKTS -- Waiting on line to see a show with other people can be an enlightening experience
5. Seeing Doogie Houser's Neil Patrick Harris in pasties. yeup... pasties.

Top Five Color Suggestions for Future Presidential Elections
1. Fuscia (instead of Red)
2. Lavender (instead of Blue)
3. Amber (For the first lady -- hottest Survivor ever!!!)
4. Black (For the next four years if the anti-christ is still the President.)
5. Puce (I just wanted to say that word.)

Top Five Favorite M&M Colors IN ORDER of best taste to worst taste! (Ever notice that since they went back to color... they are a lot brighter?)
1. Green
2. Orange
3. Blue
4. Brown
5. Red
Dishonorable Mention -- Damn the Yellow M&M... damn it to heck!

Top FIve Uses For a Perished Cat
1. Doorjam
2. Draft Dodger
3. Soup Base
4. Halloween Ornament
5. Remind Small Children How Much Cats Suck -- Especially the one that runs by muh honey's feet all the time. SHE HATES THAT CAT!

Top Five Reasons Why Going To a Press Conference on Sundays is Cool
1. You can meet the governor.
2. You can get your picture taken with the Governor.
3. You can watch toll booths come a crashin' down.
4. Rest? Who needs rest? Sundays are for working!
5. Ummm.... I must be kidding here....

Top Five Things I would Eat To Break a Fast If I Was Jewish.(Yom Kippur Version)
1. Pork Roll and Cheese
2. Bacon, Egg, and Cheese
3. Ham Sandwich
4. Sausage, Egg, and Cheese Croissanwich
5. M&M's

Top Five Reasons Why I Took the Day Off Yesterday
1. Day after an all day drinking fest at Dover Speedway (Starting at 6 am baby!!!)
2. Get My Final Pre-Wedding Haircut
3. Get Our Wedding License
4. To Go See Hero (More on that tomorrow)
5. Sleep

Monday, September 27, 2004

Da Ali G Show

Look, this is one of the funniest shows on television. For the uninitiated, let me tell you what the show is about.

As per Netflix -- Hilarious British comedian and impersonator Sacha Baron Cohen crisscrosses the United States alternating among the three offbeat personalities he plays. Cohen becomes Ali G, the "hip hop journalist" who's really just a white wanna-be rapper; Borat, the gullible newsman from Kazakhstan; and Bruno, the homosexual Austrian fashion plate. Laugh while Ali G, Borat and Bruno discover America and interact with the locals.

Essentially, he gets people to think he is interviewing them. He then asks inappropriate questions or logical statements taken to the extreme. The people he is interviewing then have to be appropriate because: 1. They are on television and 2. They are giving him a break because he is foreign and doesn't have a good grasp of the English language.

I started watching the show when it was on HBO recently. That is the second season and it is hilarious. I love it when he asks an ATF agent "What does ATF stand for?" "Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms" "What else do you sell?" incredulous look ... good stuff.

I just finished watching the first of two DVD's of his first season...and now I see how the second season was possible.

He is having a conversation with a Catholic Priest who is already frustrated with his gangsta rap character. Ali G asks "Isn't it coincidental that Jesus was born on Christmas?" The priest gets upset and tries to correct him. Ali G then asks "Wasn't Jesus born in a manger?" The priest responds with something like, "Yes... that is the story... the inns were full and he was born in the manger." Ali G responds with "They were full...because it was Christmas!" The priest just gets so flabbergasted.

yes... some of his routines are a bit over the edge but it is the witty ones like the one with the Priest that amaze me the most. He takes logic and twists it so people don't know what to say.

I am giving him much Respek.

Sunday, September 26, 2004


I was so relieved today to open up a handwritten envelope from the Metuchen Municipal Court.

Most people would read the return address and dread opening an envelope from them. Not me. I couldn't wait.

I opened the envelope. Most of you know that I got a stupid parking ticket for not having a permit ... when I had the permit!

You also know that I was a dumbass...probably at the same level as the guy who went to the Post Office with an international box in Priority Mail packaging.

I couldn't wait to find out when the new court date would be so I could go to court and finally put the stupid ticket to bed!

Instead... I was rewarded with a ticket .. that was dismissed. I am keeping this thing for as long as I live here.

God Bless America........

Also... Less than two weeks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Saturday, September 25, 2004

How to Piss....

... Someone Off...

I was at the Post Office a couple of days ago when I came to a conclusion.

People get testy when they have been identified as a jackass for doing something very dumb.

The U.S. Postal Service provides its customers with free shipping materials for those that utilize its Priority Mail services. This includes boxes, tapes and labels. It costs a little more to ship that way, but the materials are probably save money in the long run. Heck, they will even deliver these materials to your house for free!

The United States Postal only has a few rules if you use their free materials...
1. Don't use to send bombs, liquids, fragiles, chemicals, or perishables.
2. Don't use for anything but Priority Mail (meaning... don't wrap paper around it and attempt to ship it by another method.)
3. Domestic Use only.

I know that I can only send things in the United States because it says "Domestic Use" all over the frigging box. However, today, a guy didn't want to follow rule #3.

I was behind a gentleman who had a Priority Mail box in his hand. I also saw that he had a Customs label attached to it. I knew there was going to be a problem.

He took the box to the front desk and the cashier informed him that she could not accept the package as it was for Priority Mail only.

His response -- What are you talking about?
She said -- This box can only be used to send in the United States.
He said -- How the hell am I supposed to know that?
I said -- Because it says it about 5 times on each box.
He turned and looked at me. That was when I realized... Just keep your mouth shut and I did.

He was infuriated...and I made it worse. I guess I am still lucky enough to be able to type this blog up. He could have wasted me... big time.

Let this be a lesson to you all....don't say what you are thinking ...especially when the guy was a dumb ass to begin with.

Friday, September 24, 2004

Shot... IN THE FACE!!!

I just shot my co-worker in the face with a Nerf gun.

I can't stop laughing AND I feel bad.

Should I stop shooting it now?

Survivor Obsession...

I have to admit something to you.

I love the show SURVIVOR. Love it.

Each and every season, muh good friend MB and I bet on the results. It really makes each week all the more interesting. We essentially pick our own tribes and whomever ends up with the final survivor wins a case of beer. MB won the first two seasons we played and I have won the last five.

For this season, the Teams have been set and I would like to have you guys share the ride with me. Ride the Pork Chop Express to victory and make sure you dream evil dreams at night of the horrible team MB put together.

Since I know you all care, I will provide you with updates as the season progresses. Too bad I won't be able to while on our honeymoon.

Preliminary thoughts -- I love Leanne, Lea, Twila, and Chris. I hate Rory and Eliza. Lisa... come on... those humungous boobies HAVE to be fake.

CURRENT SCORE -- Pork Chop Express (9 Remaining) -- MB's team (7 Remaining)

Pork Chop Express (Smelmooo)
1. Leann Slaby (2)
2. Lisa Keiffer (3)
3. John Palyok (6)
4. Ami Cusack (7)
5. Chris Daugherty (10)
6. James "Chad" Crittenden (11)
7. Eliza Orlins (14)
8. Dr. Scout Cloud Lee (15)
9. Twila Tanner (18)

Ashhhfault (MB)
1. Brady Finta (1)
2. Lea "Sarge" Masters (4)
3. Julie Berry (5)
4. Brook Geraghty (8) --- BOOTED! WEEK ONE!!!
5. Rory Freeman (9)
6. Mia Galeotalanza (12)
7. Dolly Neely (13) --- BOOTED!!!! WEEK TWO!!!!!
8. John Kenney (16)
9. Travis "Bubba" Sampson (17)

Thursday, September 23, 2004

I Love Cheese...but...

but what cheese shape are you?

Click here.

Seasons Change

One of the things that I do a lot for work is write magazine articles. Here is my latest one...

Seasons Change

There was a time in my life when I dreaded the Spring. When the ice and snow melted away, the grass would grow, the weeds would sprout, and the ragweed would abound. I would immediately begin to feel the repercussions of the beautiful green landscapes that haunted my sinuses.

Each Spring, I would get allergies so badly that I would often lose my voice or even be out of work for days on end. What amazes me to this day is that I would suffer, get medication and then forget about the allergies until the next year, when the whole cycle would repeat itself. I knew something bad was going to happen, yet I never did anything about it!

About three years ago, I changed that. I went to an allergist and (after discovering that I was allergic to the “outside”) I was quickly placed on a strict regimen of allergy shots and medication. Three years later, I am almost symptom-free and I look forward to the changing of the seasons.

Other people dread the changing of seasons in the beginning part of the year for another reason. Potholes and other poor road conditions are exacerbated by the previous winter; they become eye sores –and even death traps – once the snow is removed after its final visit to the area. Driving becomes treacherous in parts of the state; people even die from poor road conditions.

Spring is a time when the road agencies rally to repair the illnesses of their roads with a variety of treatments and make the problem go away – or so they think. The Spring is primarily about putting on the band-aid and ignoring the problem until next year. This is exactly what I did for years with my allergies until I finally wised up and went at the problem itself.

I read numerous industry magazines and publications that discuss quality construction throughout the country. Many of these projects are constructed because of a dire need or some major failure in the system. Money is located and the projects are constructed, as they are special cases. Some publications even identify projects as award winners and recognize them with plaques and certificates.

Perhaps, I dare suggest, the transportation agencies follow the lead of today’s physicians and repair their roads before they get horribly bad? My medical insurance covers primary and preventive care. They know that paying for my allergy shots to prevent the onset of an allergic reaction will, in the long run, cost them less than all of the medications I needed to treat those reactions after the fact.

Repairing our infrastructure is just as important. It requires a commitment to the roads that each agency owns. They need to be taken care of before they get as bad as I did each Spring. It requires a stable funding source; it requires leadership from the highest levels; and it requires commitment and dedication. The industry is ready, willing, and able to provide the state what it needs and now we need the funding.

Getting to the heart of the matter is simple. Let’s not sneeze away this opportunity to go at the pothole problem itself. Let’s dedicate the funds needed to resurface our damaged pavements. Let’s dedicate the funds need to perform the basic of repairs to our bridges.

We only have until next Spring until the pot holes sprout again like weeds on our highways. Oh great…now I have something else to dread this Spring and just when it was becoming my favorite season.

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

Muh night... in court

As you know, I had to have my night in court last night. For the bloggily disabled, I was given a parking ticket for parking without a permit in front of my own house. The catch is... I have said permit. I need to fight the $29 ticket out of sheer principle.

Yesterday morning, I prepared for my night in court. I took pictures of my car with the permit, printed them out, and attached it to the ticket. I then needed to confirm the location of the court as Metuchen's town hall is going under a great deal of construction. I was introduced to a Little Miss Grouchy Pants. The conversation went something like this.

City Hall Woman: Good Morning, Metuchen Violations Bureau.
Me: Good morning. I got a ticket that I intend to challenge tonight at court. With all of the construction going on, I wanted to verify as to where do I go tonight?
CHW: 500 Main Street
Me: Thank you. Is that the new town hall?
CHW: *silence*
Me: Hello?
CHW: (She snaps at me abruptly and and says) What?
Me: I asked, is that the new town hall?
CHW: (Preceeded by a loud and lengthy sigh, she says) Yes.
Me: (Obviously sarcastic and with the first sound of indignation I say) Thank you for being so polite.

How bad can your day be at 9:15 on a Tuesday? Only fifteen minutes into work for goodness sake!

Muh honey and I headed down to the courthouse at 5:45ish for the 6:30 court date. We were walking as it was a nice night. When we arrived at the courthouse and looked at the list of those contesting their tickets, I noticed that I had done a very stupid thing. I forgot to call in and tell them that I wanted to contest the ticket.

After 10 minutes of haggling, I will be informed oh my new court date.

Long live the chump. Long live me.

Wooo Hoooo

Seth turned 30 on Sunday and Karen turns 30 today.

Welcome to my club.

Tuesday, September 21, 2004


A friend of mine already wrote an entire blog about this, but I need to re-emphasize something.

Colin Farrell just doesn't look the part of Hannibal.... you know.. the elephant guy.

Another movie I am going to miss.

Side note... muh honey and I watched the movie called "Osama" last night. DAMN POWERFUL MOVIE

The Top Top Five Tuesday EVER!!!!!!!

Top Five Elementary School Smells
1. Kids after gym class that refused to shower because puberty didn't happen yet.
2. Sloppy Joes day
3. The old mimeograph machines.
4. Sawdust... you remember what they used to put sawdust on.. don't you?
5. Cleaning solution found in those green rags they wiped the lunch room tables with.

Top Five Nicknames That Have Arbitrarily Been Given to Me That I HATE.
1. Tobin
2. Tobes
3. Smart Ass
4. Jerk off
5. Snookums

Top Five Things That I Enjoy That Could Reasonably Lead You to Conclude That I am a 13 Year Old Girl
1. Lindsay Lohan
2. Freddie Prinze Jr. movies
3. Eat Ice Pops
4. Gossipping About Boys
5. Ironning my outfits

Top Five Fake Names For A New Street Gang I Want to Start
1. Flammable Cheese
2. Asphalt Warriors
3. Cheesequake Eruptions
4. Pork Chop Express
5. Snookums Police

Top Five Things I Would Be Great At If They Were Olympic Events
1. Making Up Top Five Lists
2. Eating Red Meat
3. Getting Your Fiancee to "Pull My Finger" (and she still laughs.)
4. Sucking at Fantasy Football -- even with killer teams
5. Telling Jokes About Asphalt

Top Five Reasons Fanny Packs are Uncouth
1. Emphasis on the fanny? No. They Emphasize the belly.
2. Because NASCAR fans wear them.
3. Ever see a supermodel wearing one?
4. Do we need anymore?
5. Because I said so....

Top Five Words I Want to Hear the Pope Use
1. Smoochies
2. Turds
3. Burglar
4. Fiduciary
5. Boner

Top Five Things Whose Use By Children Kind of Depresses Me
1. Belly Shirts
2. Lipstick for rainbows
3. Jelly bracelets (New meaning)
4. Whip Its
5. Birth Control

Top Five Things That I Should Arbitrarily Become Opinionated About
1. Your screensaver choice.
2. The colors of the Costa Rican flag.
3. Lengthening the distance of the marathon.
4. Chair upholestry
5. Door jams and their socio-economic significance for the Portuguese

Monday, September 20, 2004

Thank you!

Just a quick shout out to my awesome cousing who sent me the recent episode of Survivor. I watched it and God Bless him!

Wacky Drivers

Every day that I am on the road, I learn more and more that my safety and life are in the hands of complete and total jerks and assholes. For the most part, I see a jerk who does something stupid every other day or so. Yesterday, I saw three of them.

On a ride down the Garden State Parkway to meet the governor at a toll booth demolition ceremony, I was driving in the left lane when a Volkswagen Jetta decided it wanted to be in the exact same lane that I was in at the same time I was there. I slammed on the brakes and swerved off the road for a few seconds. I also managed to lay on the horn pretty darn well. What amazes me most is that the driver had no remorse and treated me like "I" was the jerk. She waved me on and all I did was give her an evil glare -- nothing else.

On the ride back, I swerved to avoid another driver who did something similar going northbound on Route 9 in Woodbridge. This driver decided that she need to jerk across two lanes of traffic at 65 miles per hour to get off the road. She made it and almost took us out in the process. I forgot to mention that she didn't have a turn signal on.

This came right after another lady had played convoy by tailgating me and ensuring that my attention was not on the aforementioned driver when she pulled her Evil Kneviel move.

What's going on out there? Two times today, I was physically shaken up by the antics of another driver. I know I wasn't crazy either as muh honey watched all these things unfold before me.

I am thankful that I drive defensively and I am thankful that nothing bad happened. I just wish that there was an apologetic gesture in any of the three drivers who pulled the various stunts today. I don't think that my almost dying really meritted a middle finger or a patronizing wave.

Sunday, September 19, 2004

Asphalt Joke

It had been a quiet night at the local bar so far, but then the door was thrown open and an Interstate highway strode in. "I'm an Interstate highway," he declared. "I stretch from coast to coast and have at least four lanes, shoulders, and a median almost my entire length. I have the highest speed limit of any highway. I'm the best of the highways, and I'm afraid of no highway and no road." He then strode up to the bar, ordered a beer, and began drinking it, while looking around.

A short time later, a four-lane highway came in, went to the end of the bar, and ordered a beer. The Interstate looked him over and walked over to him. "I'm an interstate highway," he declared. "I stretch from coast to coast and have at least four lanes, shoulders,and a median almost my entire length. I have the highest speed limit of any highway. I'm the best of the highways, and I'm not afraid of you."

The four-lane highway said "I agree that you're the best. I don't want any trouble with you. Let me buy you a beer", and he did. They drank their beers and discussed their engineering specifications.

After a half hour, the door opened again and a two-lane road came in, went to the other end of the bar, and ordered a beer. The Interstate looked him over and told the four-lane highway that he had to take care of the new arrival. He walked over to the two-lane road and said "I'm an Interstate highway. I stretch from coast to coast and have at least four lanes, shoulders, and a median almost my entire length. I have the highest speed limit of any highway. I'm the best of the highways, and I'm not afraid of you."

The two-lane road quivered a bit and said "You're absolutely right. You are the best of the highways. I'm just a lowly two-lane road. I don't want any trouble. Can I buy beers for you and the four-lane highway?" The Interstate motioned the four-lane highway to come over, the two-lane road bought beers for each of them, and the three of them drank their beers and discussed the merits of various paving materials.

After another half hour, the door opened again and a strip of asphalt about eight feet wide came in. The Interstate highway ducked behind the bar and hid there quivering quietly. The bartender was shocked.

After serving the asphalt strip, he walked over to where the Interstate was hiding. "I watched you stand up to the four-lane highway and the two-lane road. You said you weren't afraid of any highway or road. Why are you hiding from that little asphalt strip?"

The Interstate replied quietly, "It's true that I'm not afraid of any highway or road, but he's a cycle path."

Some Sunday Morning Musings

I noticed yesterday that there are "picture" menus available at Burger King and McDonalds. Who are these for? The illiterate and those that do not speak English seems to be the logical answer. Question -- How are they supposed to know it is available if they cannot read this. "Picture menus are available upon request."

This is how much I love Survivor. I was in Atlantic City on Thursday and I wanted it taped. Soooo... I thought I set the tape before I left so that I could watch it when I got back. I blew it and didn't set the tape correctly. I discovered this at about 10 at night... so I asked muh honey to call/IM my cousin in California to tape it and put it in the mail to me. I love that they are three hours behind...and I look forward to watching the show when it arrives tomorrow or Tuesday. (P.S. -- I still don't know who was booted. Let's keep it that way.)

Atlantic City continues to suck as much as I remember it, but at least I got a couple great New York sirloins. Excellent.

Phew... Rutgers beat Kent State. That made me nervous.

20 days....20 days....

Saturday, September 18, 2004

Music at the Wedding

Muh honey and I recently met with our D.J. for the wedding. It was a nice 45 minute meeting in which we discussed the particulars and details of the wedding day.

The D.J. made us feel right at ease right away with his calm exterior. What I liked best about him is that he made sure to say that it is our wedding. I always get concerned when the vendor is all about offering ideas about how to do things and to make it "better."

Those guys are about what THEY like and not what the customer would like.

So we settled on a theme for the night. Something that everyone will like. Something that will make the groom very happy.

Something that you will all enjoy... at a wedding or in a car with your best buds...

Show tunes... ALL NIGHT LONG BABY!!!!

Welcome to New Jersey...

... now let me tell you that you and your husband suck.

Thanks for silencing another person with a point of view different than yours.

Click here

Friday, September 17, 2004

Things You Should Know About the Smelmooo

Welcome back to another edition of Things You Should Know About the Smelmoo!!! For some reason, I must have had a lot to type about since I didn't resort to the crutch edition of Thoughts of the Smelmooo by making an arbitrary list of things you should know about me!

1. For some goofy reason, when I go to a restaurant and I pay with a credit card, I like to sign both of the receipts that come in the black leather thingamabob. Why? I am only taking one of them home with me to put in my receipts box. There is no need to sign it but I do anyway.

2. I have a receipts box. Kiss my butt to anyone that wants to make fun of this anal characteristic of mine. I save them all... ALL I TELL YOU!!!!

3. I was at a meeting recently with 20 people. Everyone looked nice and was dressed in suits and skirts except one guy who had on a pair of Chuck Taylors. I couldn't respect anything that he said. Not because he had Chuck Taylors on...but because they weren't the high top version. Bastardization of a classic.

4. Tootsie Rolls rule. Muh friend and I agree -- Tootsie Rolls rock. Don't give us crap that they aren't really chocolate. We know that. They are extremely back off.

5. I love Chris Rock's definition of fatherhood. "A father's primary job in this world is to keep his daughter off the pole."

6. Survivor begins .... and it is awesome.

7. Hurricanes fascinate me. I am amazed at how we watch the destruction slowly creep into the area. Plenty of warning and some people still don't leave. Dumb Dumbs.

8. I miss the Olympics -- I miss blindly rooting for people who I don't know and probably wouldn't like in person anyway.

Time to nap.

The Smelmooo

Thursday, September 16, 2004

Going To AC

I used to enjoy going to Atlantic City. I was enamoured by the bright lights and the jingling machines. I loved the screaming and the yelling of Craps tables and the comraderie of the black jack tables.

I don't anymore...and I blame it all on my job.

My job requires that I go down to the bright city a few times a year for various conventions. I dread these trips and I am leaving on one today. I am going to the most disgusting casino of them all -- The Tropicana for another horrible convention. The place just smells like a giant cigarette and I am almost embarrassed to be staying there each year.

Wish me luck if I do play some games to pass the time... I think I am just going to be reading a book...or watching tv....or eating way too much ... or drinking booze with folks I should be drinking booze with....


Wednesday, September 15, 2004

What Happens in Baltimore -- Stays in Baltimore

Over the weekend, I was blessed to enjoy the company of some great friends, family and future family for my bachelor party. Thanks guys for being a part of it and for planning it. It was one of the best weekends I have ever had!

For the most part, I will leave the details, details as secrets because "What Happens in Baltimore -- Stays in Baltimore"

However, I have learned some important things about myself and others.

1. It is dumb to try to start a fight with Yankee fans by telling them they suck when the group you are hanging out with is all Yankee fans.

2. Corona makes some great sleeping pants for bed.

3. Yankees really do take the long road to victory.

4. Thank god men don't wear stupid veils like the ladies do.

5. Some people snore so loudly, the ceiling paint falls on them.

6. Spooning your drunk friend is grounds for physical violence.

7. I had a tremendous time at Ground Round with free popcorn and paying a penny per pound!


I am that much closer to being muh honey's muh husband.

Tuesday, September 14, 2004

Join the Mob

Join Edie and eradicate something horrible.

As Eric Would Say...

There is a God.

Click here.

Top Five Tuesday!!!

Top Five Superpowers
1. Invisibility -- This would have especially been more interesting during the bachelor party weekend.
2. Flying -- I hate traffic more than anything else in this world. If I could just get up and fly, I would wear that gay looking cape.
3. Talk to Fish -- Fishing is dumb. I would use the superpower to ask the fish how they are and then invite them cordially to dinner at muh house... I was ask them to come over say... 2:00 so they can "clean up."
4. X-Ray Vision -- For those times I just don't wanna stand up.
5. Regeneration -- lose a finger... grow a finger...

Top Five Nicknames for Dollars
1. Bones
2. Smackers
3. Doughnuts
4. Bills
5. Beans

Top Five Words that Sound Dirty But Aren't
1. Masticating
2. Fiduciary
3. Lubricating
4. Gooey
5. Onomatopoeia

Top Five Things I Find Kind of Hypnotic
1. Teletubbies -- I swear... I could nap.
2. My parents' dog Cocoa's eyes. They are always green and make me sleepy.
3. Shopping in a mall. The colors they use make me want to lie down or cluck like a chicken... all you gotta do is snap...and...................................
4. Rowing Machine at the gym -- I start using that sucker and I am destined for sleepy time.
5. HBO specials about hookers... especially the Atlantic City ones.

Top Five Movie Firsts
1. First Smooch -- Nanette G. during The Dream Team
2. First Nap -- Dances With Wolves
3. First Movie to Be Kicked Out Of -- Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure (I was unruly.)
4. First Girly Movie I Went to See With Just Guys -- Eric and Brian and Smelmooo went to see Say Anything. I swear they cried.
5. First Time I Actually Screamed at BAD Nudity on the Screen -- About Schmidt -- Keep the boobies to yourself Kathy. I insist.

Permit Revisited


I gotta go to court to fight this erroneous parking ticket.

I have to think of a way to exact my revenge.

Sitting in municipal court is the worst.

Monday, September 13, 2004

Permits Are Meant to HELP You.


I wrote a whole blog a couple of months ago about how I had to go out and get a permit so that muh honey and I could park on the street. Click here to refresh your memory.

So.... muh honey and I notice a flapping white piece of paper on my windshield recently... Yeup... it was a parking ticket and it was for "Parking during prohibited hours." So the ticket is obviously invalid and I am surprised that she even wrote the ticket since I have the permit number not more than 5 feet from where she had to get out of the car to put it under the windshield wiper.

So... this morning... I call the police office and I speak to the desk officer. I tell him what happened and that this is obviously a mistake. He laughs and tells me that I need to call the Sarge on Tuesday to see if he can do antyhing about it. (I am guessing that a fellow officer cannot overturn an equal's ticket.) He also tells me... "I know that car and I know it can park there. That ticket is wrong."

Sort of creepy and reassuring at the same time.

So now I have muh ticket, the reassurance of a fellow police officer and the ability to wait the weekend before I can speak to someone who might be able to spare me the trip into municipal court.

Good luck

Sunday, September 12, 2004


Entertainment Weekly recently had a small piece in it where someone asked which actor was a "better actor." Arnold Schwarzenegger or Sylvester Stallone. Without revealing what the article said, it made me think about who was better. It is a good debate and I suppose it could go either way to the people in the audience.

In the grand tradition of the presidential elections coming up and their polls, I would like to start a mini poll here... very scientific poll. Just post your choices in the comments section and please feel free to supply me with a reason for each. Assume that each of these are in their prime.

1. Who is a better actor -- Arnold or Slyvester?

2. Who would win in a battle -- Jean Claude Van Damme or Stephen Seagal?

3. Who would win a fight to the death -- a polar bear or a lion?

4. Who is the best Hair Metal Band of all time -- Motley Crue, Poison, Warrant or Enuff Znuff?

5. Who is the more important Beattle -- John, Ringo, Paul or George?

6. What type of baby would Wonder Woman and Superman have if they bred -- a super baby or a wonder baby?

7. Who would kick the other person's ass -- Captain Kirk's greatest FAN or Darth Vader's greatest FAN?

8. Who would win an arm wrestling match -- W. or Saddam Hussein?

9. What movie is a better SEQUEL -- Empire Strikes Back, Superman II, or Godfather II?

10. What type of wood is stronger -- oak or morning?

Here are my thoughts:

1. Sylvester -- Easiest choice to make on the whole list. He was good in Oscar.
2. Stephen Seagal would break Jean Claude's arms first then emabarass JC's by speaking gooder english.
3. Polar Bears are bigger and stronger.
4. Motley Crue -- They had their own VHS!
5. Ringo -- The rest are overrated. Aside from the shot one... who else is still performing to sell out crowds? exactly.
6. Wonder baby -- he/she would be accessorized with super tough wristbands too.
7. Captain Kirk's greatest fan would kill Darth Vader's greatest fan in less than 15 seconds. I just have a stereotypical view that ST fans are much fatter and more annoying that SW fans.
8. Saddam Hussein of course. W. wouldn't know what to do if anyone really got in his face. Look at his military records.
9. Gotta go with Superman II here. (I am ready for the abuse on this one.) Godfather was just more of the same. Empire was better than the original but darker. Superman II totally improved on the original and really started the franchise.
10. Morning. 49% of the population will agree with me.

Saturday, September 11, 2004



I ran out of things to read this Labor Day weekend so I picked up an old friend of mine -- my favorite book. Rediscovering a favorite book is an inspiring experience.

My favorite book of all time is hands down -- High Fidelty by Nick Hornby. I am almost equally enamoured with his follow up -- About a Boy, but High Fidelity takes the top honor.

The book follows the first person account of Rob Gordon -- a 35 year old malcontent that reviews his entire love life in the wake of a break up by his most recent girlfriend. The trip he brings the reader on is the most poignant and legitimate tale of love -- from a male perspective -- that I have ever read.

Hornby doesn't spare us from any details nor does he sugar coat the raw emotions that men sometimes feel after a break up. It evokes a raw emotion that still moves me. Through all of this, Hornby is able to examine his musical tastes and how music can affect even the lamest of music fans. He also adds a nice blend of humor that alleviates all of the love pains of the tortured author and main character alike. This is most evident in the movie version of the book starring John Cusack in which the humor was played up quite a bit.

I have some female friends that have been burned by guys in the past and I have recommended that they read High Fidelity as a way to understand that men aren't that far off from women when it comes to relationships. We can feel pain. We can be assholes. We can be.... humans.

Anyway, for the past few days, I have felt at home. I have felt relaxed as my favorite book as brought me home and hugged me. Thank you favorite book... Thank you.

Does anyone else have a book that does this?

Friday, September 10, 2004

Bush Versus Jesus

Click here.

Hangover Ratings

Hangover Ratings
(Courtesy Chris B.)

* 1-star hangover
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You sleep in your own bed and when you wake up, there are no traffic cones in there with you. You are still able to function relatively well on the energy stored up from all those vodka and Red Bulls. However, you can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel as parched as the Sahara. Even vegetarians crave a cheeseburger and a basket of fries.

** 2-star hangover
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast. Although you have a nice demeanor at the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is some light filing, followed by aimlessly surfing the Net and writing junk e-mail.

*** 3-star hangover
Slight headache. Stomach feels like crap. You are definitely a space cadet and not so productive. Anytime someone walks by your desk you gag because the perfume/aftershave reminds you of the random shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen doughnuts and a two-liter bottle of Coke, watching daytime TV. You've had four cups of coffee, a gallon of water, two burritos, and a two-liter bottle of Diet Coke, yet you haven't peed once.

**** 4-star hangover You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might spew. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but you smell of socks and can't hide the fact
that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving. Your teeth have their own individual sweaters. Your eyes look like one big vein and your hairstyle makes you look like a reject from a second-grade class, circa 1976. You would give a week's pay for one of the following: home time, a doughnut and somewhere to be alone, or a time machine so that you can go back to last night and change the fact that you went out. You scare small children in the street just by walking past them.

***** 5-star hangover
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee sitting next to you. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. You'd cry but that would take the last drop of moisture left in your body. Death seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because, let's face it, all you can manage to do is breathe... very gently.

****** 6-star hangover
You arrive home and climb into bed. Sleep comes instantly, as you were fighting it all the way home in the taxi. You get about two hours of sleep until the noises inside your head wake you up. You notice that your bed has been cleared for takeoff and is flying relentlessly around the room. No matter what you do now, you're going to vomit. You stumble out of bed and now find that your room is in a yacht, fully sailing. After walking along the skirting boards on alternating walls, knocking off all the pictures, you find the toilet. If you are lucky, you remember to lift the lid before you spontaneously explode and wake the whole house up with your impersonation of walrus mating calls. You sit there on the floor in your undies, cuddling the only friend in the world you have left (the toilet), randomly continuing to make the walrus noises, spitting and farting. Help usually comes at this stage, even if it is short-lived. With your stomach totally empty, your spontaneous eruptions have died down to 15-minute intervals, but your body won't relent. You are convinced that you are starting to turn yourself inside out and swear that you saw your tonsils shoot out of your mouth on the last occasion. It is now dawn and you pass by your disgusted partner getting up for the day, as you try to climb into bed. She abuses you again for trying to get into bed with lumpy bits of dried vomit in your hair. You reluctantly accept her advice and take a shower. Work is simply not an option. The whole day is spent trying to avoid anything that might make you sick again, like moving. You vow never to touch a drop of alcohol again, and who knows, for the next two or three hours you might even succeed.



Since I was on the subject of soccer, I remembered another interesting soccer story that is only funny now... some 12 years later.

When I was 18, I decided that I wanted to make some extra money, so I signed up to referee soccer games in the local kid's league. I went through orientation and I was assigned some games.

The first set of games I officiated were at a field about 4 miles from my parent's house. As a young kid without a car, I got on my bicycle and rode the short ride over to the fields. The game was a bunch of 11 year old boys. I am going to say right up front now that 11 year old boys should have a basic understanding of the game of soccer. You can give them some breaks here and there, but they should really know how to play.

The home team was losing the game with about 8 minutes to go in the game by a score of 2-0. The visiting team decided to put in some of its "less than stellar" performers in at that point. One of the players was a kid put into the fullback position. For those that do not know, this is the group of players right in front of the goalie.

The home team made its run and took a shot on goal. The recently entered kid caught the the penalty box. Penalty kick. Score -- 2-0. After penalty kick -- 2-1.

There are now 5 minutes to go in the game and the opposing coach is upset and yelling at the kid. Regardless, they keep the kid in the game. The home team makes another break. Guess what happens? Yeup -- same kid -- same ball -- same hands -- same penalty kick -- new score. 2-2. Now the visiting team's coach is yelling at me -- rather abusively claiming that I should give the kid a break because 1. he is only 11 and 2. he is slow. (1. As I said before, 11 years should know better... ok... the first time is one thing... but the second time? and 2. Wrong on so many levels.)

I stop the clock and I walk over to the sideline and I say -- "Coach. If you continue to yell and embarrass yourself like this, I am going to give you a red card... not a yellow, but a red card." That shut him up.

So now... the score is 2-2 and there are about 3-4 minutes left in the game when guess what happens? Yeup. I don't even need to tell you. The home team goes ahead 3-2 with 2 minutes left in the game and the game eventually ends.

The opposing coach laid into me after the game and continued to yell and scream at me all the way to the parking lot. Talk about projecting your anger! The kicker is... here I am... an 18 year old kid with my ten speed bike and a crazy father behind me chasing me down a back country road. I have to admit that I was petrified and I pulled back into the parking lot just to be around other parents and adults to see if this guy continued his rampage. I finally got a ride home from a pair of parents that I knew.

The most amazing thing about this story isn't the game or the asshole coach. You have to expect that kind of stuff -- no matter how horrible it is -- when you are talking kids sports. Too many parents think the game is more important than civility or the kids' good time. They get out of control. No... none of this matters. What really was discouraging to me was how the parents let this guy be a complete asshole about it. They enabled him. I can only imagine how many other times he was allowed to do this and completely make an ass out of himself.

I Heart Football

Last night's game was a great first game for the NFL season.

Bless you NFL... Bless you...

Thursday, September 09, 2004



Muh honey and I went on an adventure last night. We decided to tough it out and go see the number 12 ranked Rutgers soccer team take on their cross state rivals the Monmouth Something Or Others. We left the house in a slight drizzle and drove straight into some ominous clouds to watch the game. We went armed with towels, rain gear and a pair of huge golf umbrellas.

The perfume spray of Frances made the early evening interesting as a persisitent drizzle continued to fall making the game only mildly irritating for a portion of the game. Eventually, the rain stopped and we just sort of sat around big wet spots for the inspiring game.

I gotta be honest. It wasn't the best soccer as Rutgers was obviously playing down to the level of their mediocre opponents but amazingly enough, it brought about some great memories of soccer as a kid.

Soccer was my primary sport as a kid. I loved running around for hours on end kicking the ball and scoring goals. As an averaged sized kid, I quickly learned to build up my legs in order to compete. I learned how to beat other players to the ball and use my intelligence to intimidate the other players. I was a team leader and enjoyed the role I played.

I remember one story where I was in charge of covering this one punk kid from Kingwood. He was the team's star player and I was a good defensive player. I was especially good at getting into the heads of my opponents (more on that later) and this kid was not treated any differently. I never once directly insulted or cracked on another player or his mother, but there were ways to get them upset. The kid scored no goals the whole game and was noticably upset when the game ended. In the spirit of sportsmanship, we slapped hands in the "good game... good game... good game... " line. After about 5 more slaps and "good games" is when I felt the fist to the back of the head. Before I even had the chance to turn around and get even, he was pulled off the field and admonished. He was baneed for at least a game and their team lost the next game too. For those of you that wonder if I can get under your skin... go ahead... try me.

Getting under the skin is an easy task. Here are some suggestions for your kids if you want them to dominate on the field.

1. Cheer. Don't just cheer when your team does something right. Cheer the other team for when they screw up. It is important to direct your exuberance at the individual that committed the error. For example, if a defensive player errantly passes the ball to one of your players... run by the guy, pat him on the ass, and tell him what a tremendous pass that was. I always liked to add a secondary comment about how much of a help he was for my team and if he wanted to, I could get him his own uniform.

2. Fall down poorly... a lot. Nothing irritates an opposing player more than a guy that fakes an injury or foul -- especially if a penalty is called on that fella. If you fall down enough, you are bound to get at least one call that goes your way. BUT HERE IS THE CAVEAT! Never fall down unless you are out of the play! Do not expose the team to a weakness just for your show boating.

3. Buy some SPREE CANDY. What? Spree Candy? Those tasty candies that were slightly sour? That's right. Buy them for the red ones. When you eat a red Spree, the sugar creates a gooey type of spit in your mouth. This was often confused for blood -- especially when I pulled one of those falling down moves. Spit some red out in front of the ref and say something like... That kid hit me. Watch the results. ;-) Trust me.

I eventually gave up soccer as I was beginning my junior year in high school. I couldn't play any more because I had lost interest in it and because of something I did. I kicked a ball square into the face of a another kid. It wasn't on purpose or was just a result of a scrimmage and he jumped and the ball went high... and they connected. His nose immediately shattered and blood was everywhere. It is still an image I can play slowly in my head.. some fourteen years later.

Eh... soccer is great. Maybe I should try to find some adult league around here. That might be fun.

Anyone else play soccer?



I have been thinking a lot lately about a friend of mine. This person has been letting me in a little secret and it has been driving me nuts. The person has been cheating on their spouse. I am in no way shape or form a friend of the spouse and I barely ever see this person. I will probably never ever see this person again, but I am getting irritated at my friend.

Any suggestions anyone?

Wednesday, September 08, 2004

Muh Ommission

TOday, I wrote a blog about muh condo being sold.

Muh honey reminded me that she helped me wire muh house when I failed the fire inspection.

Thank you muh honey. I am forever in your debt.

Selling Muh House

I can finally speak to this as the transaction is now complete and I have my checks in hand.

Checks you ask?

Yes.... checks....

I put my condominium on the market exactly 3 months yesterday. The traffic looking at the condo was high and no one told my realtor that they had any issues with the place. They just weren't ready to look. In fact, I had over 44 unique people look at the place over the first two months and about 10 or so came back for multiple looks. I was getting very frustrated with the whole process as I expected the place to sell a lot quicker than it did.

Finally, about 2 1/2 weeks ago, I got the most important call of the whole process -- someone wanted to buy the place and they put in a wacky offer. The countering back and forth began and ended in a few hours. I now had muh buyer, but there was a catch. She needed to close by the 7th of September so that she could start her daughter at school at the beginning of the school year.

Fine... the process was to be expedited and it was completed yesterday -- right on time....with some glitches that just made the whole process far more frustrating. It made me just breathe a breath of relief and mutter... thank fucking goodness that it is over.


1. We negotiated the place "As is -- barring any structural problems." Her lawyer still tried to argue that the minor repairs would be fixed. My lawyer quickly squashed that whole process, but all it took was her real estate agent to squash that earlier and not allow the kill button to almost get pushed.

2. I fail fire inspection. Nobody fails fire inspection. It was supposed to be the easiest part of the whole process. Apparently, there is some law about how all fire alarms have to be hard wired to each other that went into effect after I bought the place. I spent an hour or so on Saturday rewiring the ceiling so that I would pass the test. The test was given about 2 hours before closing. Flying colors.

3. The lock box kept breaking so I had to keep coming up with keys for my agent to use for all the inspections. This was probably the most irritating part of the whole process...something so basic going so nutty and wrong.

4. I get to the closing and there was a money problem. The money for the transaction wasn't wired into the account correctly. This was caused by the purchase of one bank by another. The money was posted to lawyer's account when it was the old bank on Saturday. The changeover occurred on Sunday and Monday. It took them about 45 minutes to find the money... let alone wire it. The money was found.

5. Another money issue occurred as well. My lawyer and I were going over what money was coming to me when he realized that it was 1000 bucks short. This separate $1000 was sent over by the real estate agent... to the lawyer... who credited it to ANOTHER SELLER! They spent 35 minutes looking for it and when we realized what happened... we demanded a separate check and went on our merry little way. That was an extra hour that I didn't need to be there.

So anyway... I am now only paying one mortgage with muh honey and this makes me happy.


Tuesday, September 07, 2004

Your Lottery Dollars at Work

Just seems Wrong.

It just does.

Click here.

Top Five Tuesday After a Holiday

Welcome to Top Five Tuesday -- The Day After Labor Day, Stop Wearing White Pants and Shoes Edition!!!

Top Five Exciting Things Of My Labor Day Weekend
1. Muh Honey's Birfday
2. Rutgers' Win
3. Rutgers being featured on the front page of CBS!!!
4. We bought a new dining room set.
5. Triplets of Belleville graced our DVD player. -- Whacky and Whonderful film.
Honorable mention -- Kicking someone's ass in mini-golf although his wife schooled us all.
Honorable mention #2 -- The 10 Foot weed that required a spade to effectively remove.

Top Five Things I Don't Want to Say the Day After Muh Bachelor Party
1. I feel bad for the maid.
2. I put what ... where?
3. Why does it itch?
4. Advil is for pussies.
5. Cheese is bad.

Top Five Movie Remakes
1. None.
2. None.
3. None.
4. None.
5. None. Leave them alone. There is a reason they were good or bad the first time around.

Top Five Reasons I Hated The Devil Wears Prada
1. Lead character is totally unsympatheic.
2. The boss wasn't nearly as bitchy as everyone told me she was.
3. I had read the much better Nanny Diaries before it.
4. No nudity.. oh wait... this is a book.
5. Everything else?

Top Five Alfred Hitchcock Films
1. Psycho
2. The Trouble With Harry
3. The Birds
4. Rope
5. Vertigo

Top Five Things I Can Do To Annoy My Co-Workers
1. Announce that I need 3 months off as I am pregnant.
2. Bring donuts from two weeks ago -- ever watch someone eat a stale donut after they got their hearts up for a good fresh donut? The "Ick! This is horrible!" Cringe is fantastic!
3. Talk about my wedding ... for the 45th time that day.
4. Handle emergencies on my own without the help of anyone else. Don't you hate it when someone does their job well enough that they might not need your nosy nose for help? I know I sure do.
5. Smooch them.

This just seems very wrong to me...

...yet is gross and funny.

Click here.

Monday, September 06, 2004

Muh Honey...

... is 27 today.

Happy BIRFDAY to her...

and Happy Labor Day to the rest of you...

Sunday, September 05, 2004

Check This Out

Wait for the the web page to load and then pass your mouse over the image a few times. Finally, leave the mouse over the nose of the image.

Try this out.

This website won first prize in the Phillips Digital Arts Festival

Saturday, September 04, 2004

Barbershop Fun

As the loyal readers know, I have a great barber. Colorful is a kind term for him and his wife -- who also cuts hair there.

For a refresher, please read this.

I got my haircut yesterday and I am glad that I got there at a time in which I had to wait. I got to watch the two of them interact more and was pleased to watch how much you can tell they love each other and are still able to bicker like madmen. He continues with his sexist and minimizing glances at the guys in the place, yet comes to her defense when a customer is brazen enough to do something more but laugh along.

I was laughing yesterday but for a different reason -- her outfit.

In addition to her out of control frizzy hairstyle, she had on a lovely sleeveless collared shirt that was a nice dark navy blue. It had her trademark deep neckline that showed off the same cleavage that I am sure I am going to get to see when it is 15 below zero.

For pants, she had on a pair of cut off shorts -- not denim shorts -- but an Easter light blue pair of cutoff shorts. I think the original long pants were most likely stirrup pants. They looked like they were that material.

And finally... the piece de resistance! THE SHOES! She was wearing what had to be six inch clunky heels that gave her more height for her normal 5'5" frame. On the tops of the open toed sandals were big daisies. It was a classy pair of shoes.

I really do love getting muh haircut. It makes muh day.

Friday, September 03, 2004

Men are Pigs

Men are Pigs

Recently, I have been noticing the legitimization by society of the basic fact that Men Are Pigs.

This first came to my attention about a year ago when I was at the gym. I was a member of this gym for about 1.5 years and the entire gym was open for everyone to use. Eventually, I noticed a gradual change that was taking place. One third of the expanse was being sectioned off. I initially thought that this was being done to keep a section of the gym separate from the renovation that was being done throughout.

This was not so. When the construction was finally complete, I noticed a sign to the entrance of the separated section that said "Women."

I don't mind a separate section of the gym for women, but this struck me as odd -- until I figured it out. Plenty of the women in the gym were attractie enough to be ogled on a regular basis by the majority of the clientele at the gym (Not Me! I love muh honey.) The separate section of the gym was created solely because men are pigs.

This is also evident in the influx of "Curves" gyms for women. The windows are "steamed" and no one can see inside. The place offers exercise for women. Would that all be necessary if men weren't pigs?

One last piece of evidence. Has anyone else noticed the proliferation of men's magazines that don't show nudity but offer fine looking ladies in bikinis and stuff? Maxim, Stuff, FHM, Blender, etc etc etc. These magazines, although funny in spots, offer men the outlet they need to be pigs.

I can only imagine how crazy the world would get if those magazines were at the gym. the walls would need to be lead.

Thursday, September 02, 2004

AN Evaluation of Bush's Speech

This blog provides a tip top analysis of Bush's speech last night.

It is right on the money and probably more coherent than his actual speech.

Click here.

Lines from Movies -- Good Times & Memories

As an avid reader of Entertainment Weekly, I look forward to the monthly column by Stephen King (although I miss you Joel Stein!!!). Recently, he did a piece on some of the best movie lines that have ever been said.

As I read his list, I was amazed. He pulled out lines from movies that I have seen and love, but the line that he used wasn't the one that resonated the most with me. He later went on to explain that a lot of the lines probably wouldn't mean as much to us as they might to him. He gave an example of how a line from a particular movie was meaningful primarily because it was relevant to his relationship with his son. I can dig that.

It doesn't really matter WHY the line is important or if it really matters... what matters is that you remember it.

The piece amused me because I often quote movie lines to people and they usually have one of two responses:

1. I know that movie! Remember the part where...
2. That was inappropriate Brian.

With that said, let me tell you a few of my favorite lines. I do this in way of an apology to many of you if I have ever said one of these out loud at an inopportune moment.

A. And the flowers are still standing! -- Ghostbusters.
B. I know. There is something wrong with your face. -- Big Trouble in Little China (This one often gets me glared at. Taken in context... this is a great example of how talented Kurt Russell is...especially when he is dissing Kim Cattrall -- Did you guys know she is in Sex and the City?)
C. I Know you are, but what am I? -- Pee Wee's Big Adventure (I don't care how much you want to roll your eyes... this is a classic film.)
D. Oh yeah? Where are they hosing him down? -- Also Pee Wee's Big Adventure...and also... a line that I should learn to say in different company than I do.
E. "You know how to whistle, don't you, Steve? You just put your lips together - and blow." -- To Have and To Have Not (Lana Turner said this and I immediately fell in love.)
F. MMMM-HMMMM! This is a tasty burger! -- Pulp Fiction (This is the line that proved to me that Samuel Jackson was one of the coolest people on the planet.)
G. Can I borrow your underpants for about ten minutes -- Sixteen Candles (Do I really need to explain why I used to get smacked for this one?)
H. Gentlemen. You can't fight in here. This is the War Room! -- Dr. Strangelove (How far ahead of the rest of the world was Peter Sellers. Comic genius.)
I. Years ago my mother used to say to me, she'd say, 'In this world, Elwood, you must be' - she always called me Elwood - 'In this world, you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant.' Well, for years I was smart. I recommend pleasant. And you may quote me. -- Harvey, 1950 (See
J. Remember, you're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more than she ever did. -- Duck Soup (The Marx Brothers at their best.)
K. You're gonna need a bigger boat. -- Jaws (That was when I officially became scared during this masterpiece.)
L. I just want to say one word to you - just one word.... 'plastics. -- The Graduate (Great movie... great dialogue... scary old lady.)
M. One, Two, Freddy's Coming For You -- Nightmare on Elm Street (The movie started a wave of entertaining slashers. You tell me one as entertaining as Freddy... and I will give in. He had his own playground theme song for goodness sake!)

That's it for now.

What are some of your favorite movie lines?

Snapple Fact #381

#381 Baboons were once trained by Egyptians to wait on tables.

Now we just call them actors..... oh wait... that said baboons... not buffoons.

My bad.

Can Someone...

.... please tell me what the hell a HEMI is?

and do I need one on muh Buick?

Dick Cheney

Does anyone else recognize the hypocrisy of Dick Cheney when he ridicules John Kerry because Kerry once used the words sensitive, fighting, and terrorism in the same sentence.

Cheney is the man running with George W. Bush -- the man that fought a sensitive battle in Najaf, Iraq. Bush wanted to sensitively protect all the tremendous art and religious places.

Just some hypocrisy I noticed last night.

Wednesday, September 01, 2004

Leper... Traitor...

He said it was OK with him.

Click here.

Good Reference?

We just learned that our videographer used our DJ's for his wedding... and loved them... that is a good reference :-P

Blog About THE DOG

Last night, a new television show aired on the public airwaves. Many people were talking about it and NO, it was not Father of the Pride. It was Dog -- The Bounty Hunter. Funny thing is, it aired on the super classy network of A&E.

Dog The Bounty Hunter, A&E's new unscripted series that will follow the real-life adventures of legendary bounty hunter Duane "Dog" Chapman. Documenting the home and professional life of Dog and his family as he attempts to balance bounty hunting with his relationships with wife and business partner Beth and their twelve children (yes, that's right, twelve children) Dog The Bounty Hunter will follow cover everything from the capture of fugitives on the run to the reading of bedtime stories.

My interest was peaked when I heard a radio ad for it yesterday morning when taking a shower. I had to follow up and see if it was for real. I wasn't sure if it could be for real... but it was.

I visited A&E's official site and found this site which aired a promo for it.

My gut reaction was... "Umm..I think I HAVE to watch this tonight. It will either be awesome or suck entirely. Either way... it will make for incredible television."

My favorite line is. "My kids are everything to me and sometimes I think about them before I kick the door in."


Of course I did. I watched both of the debut episodes and I gotta admit something... I liked it. Here are some of the highlights.

1. He has a pair of mini-handcuffs for earrings. That's a bad ass?

2. He has long blonde hair... but if you look is going... fast.

3. The show is set in Hawaii. I predict that they will have good weather all the time.

4. I loved it when the mommy cheers with the kids that can barely speak about how Daddy caught the bad guys.

5. He actually tries to convert these people back to being good. he is a white Montell Williams -- bringing people back to the good side.

6. Dog is a big man who is teaching his entire family the business. Kicking ass runs in the family I learned.

7. He is supposed to be a big tough man and he is arresting these supposedly violent criminals. NOT ONE OF THE THREE PEOPLE HE ARRESTED WAS EVEN REMOTELY CLOSE TO STRUGGLING!!! That was my one complaint of the show.

So.. I can't tell if the show was good or terrible, but I can tell you that I will watch it again as I am now still pleased with what I watched. I suggest you all give it a shot. I guarantee that you will love it or hate it. Guarandamntee it.

Bruce Hornsby

Muh brother gave me a random MP3 yesterday.

It brought back so many memories.


I really liked Bruce Hornsby and the Range -- That's Just The Way It Is.

Thank you muh brother.