Friday, June 30, 2006

Wednesday, June 28, 2006


I am on one now...

Let me alone until Monday.

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

An Only In New Jersey Story

This is really a story about an occurrence that could only happen in New Jersey... or Philly.

Last week, muh wife and I headed down to Lakewood, NJ where we joined my family at a baseball game with the Lakewood Blue Claws. It was Father's Day and the ballpark was making a pretty big deal of the special day with special promotions and deals all day long.

After the eighth inning, there was a very special "Musical Chairs" competition. It featured some blown up lounge chairs that you could lift with 2 fingers. There were four participants -- a FATHER with his 6 year old girl and a FATHER with his 6 year old boy.

The young boy was the first to be knocked out... he was followed out by the girl's FATHER. It was down to two and I had to root for the FATHER... BECAUSE IT WAS FATHER'S DAY and he had a darling little shirt on with his children's hand prints on it. Any other day... I would easily be rooting for the little girl to win... why? Because she is cute and a little girl.

After a bit of time, the music turned off and the FATHER fell into the chair. It wasn't even close. The little girl was in the absolute worst possible place to be (directly behind the chair) and the FATHER only had to fall backwards. I was happy, but apparently, the majority of the people in the crowd were not.

They boo'ed the FATHER like crazy. Not a little boo...not a normal boo... but a MAJOR boo...and a half.

I immediately was disgusted by this and frustrated with the predominantly New Jersey crowd.

How could you boo a FATHER... on FATHER'S DAY!?!?!


Then... I remembered a very important fact. The Lakewood Blue Claws are a minor league team for the Philadelphia Phillies... so that explains it since Philadelphia fans are easily... the worst fans on the planet.

Poor guy... and in case you are one of the cold heartless assholes who think the father should have been boo'ed -- he gave the prize to the little girl... adding more insult to his injury.

It's Father's Day... don't they get ONE day to win?

Harry may die in Potter finale, Rowling hints

Oh well....

Harry may die in Potter finale, Rowling hints
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
Associated Press
LONDON -- Author J.K. Rowling said two characters will die in the last installment of her boy wizard series, and she hinted Harry Potter might not survive, either.

"I have never been tempted to kill him off before the final because I've always planned seven books, and I want to finish on seven books," Rowling said yesterday on TV here.

Monday, June 26, 2006

Tucker's Guest Blog -- A Story of How to Catch a Ball



Oh my God... I am the boredest bored I have ever been. I am so bored that I have decided to actually post a blog on muh daddy's blog.

I was thinking about posting one on muh mommy's blog, but she is such a better writer than muh daddy that I thought that I would help out his cause and give him a halfway decent shot in being close to muh mommy's quality. (Bad start... I know)


I bored muhself.

Alright... so here I am... hanging out in the kitchen... lying on muh side... trying to get some sun... without burning muh fur off.

Muh daddy is great... he turned on the ceiling fan... AND the room fan for me.. so I can get some breeze whenever I want it... however... I am afraid of the ceiling fan.... I really am. It creeks when it spins and I always feel like it is going to chop muh cute little nose off.

The room fan is a whole other story... but at least it is there.... I won't walk anywhere near it... but phew!... relief!


Muh life is full of flopping and just plain chilling out. That is... until Daddy comes home. Then... I get to go outside and run my ass off while other dogs, cats, and squirrels intimidate me.

Since I last wrote, I have gotten quite fond of something my Daddy seems to call Fetch or Ball. It is confusing sometimes... but I act the same with both commands so that is good.

He throws this tasty green thing that he calls a ball. I go chase it down, pick it up with muh mouth and bring it back to him. Most of the time, I will put it in his hand but there are times I want to be difficult so I'll throw it on the ground at his feet.

Daddy and Mommy seem to like playing this game with me so it makes me happy....

Sometimes... they make me sit. They then throw the ball pretty high in the air and right above my head. I stand up on muh back legs, put muh front legs up in the air and try to catch the ball with my front legs... just like muh mommy and daddy do when they play catch. Why do they laugh at me when I do it? I can't figure it out. I am pretty good at it. I basically trap the ball in my feet and pull it down to the ground like a soccer player.

They laugh at me... my daddy even calls me a cat.. which is mean.. but I thought I was ahead of the curve with that talent.

The game generally ends when I am too tired to play anymore or when I poop.

Something about this game makes me have to poop. Almost every single time.

I am poopericific....


Thank you for listening to muh story. I needed the break from the mundane.

Sunday, June 25, 2006


Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability:
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone:
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law:
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of the Bath:
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with

Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theatre:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Rugs/Carpets:
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location:
No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law:
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Oliver's Law:
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law:
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Saturday, June 24, 2006

The Pasta Diet


1.. You walka pasta da bakery.

2.. You walka pasta da candy store.

3.. You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.

4... You walka pasta da table and fridge.

You will lose weight!



For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.


Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Friday, June 23, 2006

Book 29 of 26 -- James Patterson's Maximum Ride School's Out Forever

As the summer of fun continues, I have realized that this is the perfect time to read a bunch of crap in addition to the sweet and sentimental books like Marley and Me.

James Patterson has put out four books this year. If you count the book of mystery stories by other authors that Patterson editted, I really think that he has put out three books this year. I looked it up... he put out five books in 2005 and five more in 2004.

With that said... there is a fourth book scheduled to be released on July 31,2006.


His latest book Maximum Ride School's Out Forever is a continuation of a series of books that he enjoys writing. It is the only series of books that he writes by himself. All of his other books nowadays have co-authors and follow a similar formula. The tone and sarcasm in this novel are similar to what he normally writes, but with a twist... it is oriented for "Young Adults."

This is officially located in the "Young Adults" section of the library yet it reads and has the same sort of action as his regular books... just without the sex and violence.

The book (James Patterson's Maximum Ride School's Out Forever) was decent enough, but I wouldn't really recommend it unless you have liked the three original books -- one as a young adult book and two as adult, regular fiction books.

Look for something fun to do this summer... most likely.... avoiding this book.

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Dover 2006

Every year, I head on down to Dover for a NASCAR race. I do this twice and I do it with my buddy MR.

I have already shared with you Nine Year Old With Tits... and now... I share with you some other highlights.

While walking along, I was reminded of my wife's obsession with ice cream and took this picture of one of many ice cream trucks. It warns us that there are "Ice Cream Eaters Ahead." I didn't see muh wife and it made me sad. Boo hoo.

This classy fella was sun tanning in the tailgating section next to us. That red blotch to the right of the picture is the ass of his 8 year old boy. Please also note that the guy has his pants pulled up tight against his nads, his sleeves are rolled up a bit and that is a cigarette sticking out where his pee pee should be. Says a million things in one picture... doesn't it?

This picture was the final placing of all of the cars. You will note that Jimmie Johnson finished in the top 6. I had a great time watching him go from last to 6th. This picture also gives you a bit of a glimpse into the scope of how many people attend this thing. The stands were full about 10 minutes prior.

150,000 people is a lot of people.

I just wanted to show this tool again.

God Bless America.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Three Word Movie Reviews

16 Blocks -- Pretty Standard Stuff

The A-Team Season 3 -- Formulaic but Fun

Bee Season -- Confusing, Stupid, CRAP

Bush's Brain -- Not What Expected.....:(

Coal Miner's Daughter -- Sissy Spacek... rocks....

Date Movie -- God Awful Time

Deuce Bigalow: European Gigalo -- Stupid Humor... Fun

Firewall -- Same Predictable Harrison

Glory Road -- Generic, Good.... Exciting...

Grandma's Boy -- Not Completely Horrible

Heaven Can Wait -- Classic romantic comedy...

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang -- Incredibly Dark.... FUN!

Memoirs of a Geisha -- Didn't Understand Anything.......

Munich -- Rivetting, Thrilling, Exciting

Nip/Tuck First Season -- Cooler Than Thought

The Ringer -- Suprisingly Sweet.... funny.

Sarah Silverman: Jesus is Magic -- I Peed Muhself

The Shield (Season 2) -- Still Uniquely Cool

The Shield (Season 3) -- HOLY CRAPOLY Goodness

The Shield (Season 4) -- Anderson.... Close.... Awesomeness....

Stephen King's Desperation -- Not Bad Adaptation

Syriana -- Uhhhhhhhh.... uuummmmm....huh?

Transamerica -- Don't Bother Checking...

Underworld: Evolution -- Target Audience.... Satisfied!!!!

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

The Return of Top Five Tuesday??!??

Soooooo... I am soooo disappointed in you people.

Yeah... I am.

I have been hearing rather recently from a few of you how disappointed you are that I decided to stop posting Top Five Tuesday.

Did you post any comments about it?


Did you send me any emails upset about it?


Did you wait until you saw me to complain about it?

Yes....and for that I am truly disappointed.

We live in a digital world and you can easily contact me by email if you know me or by the web site if you are just an avid stalker of mine.

Only Carrie and Steakbellie expressed their dismay in the blog and muh wife is upset as well, but I sleep with her.... so I know about her disappointment in my discarding Top Five Tuesday.

So... I am asking you... who wants to see the return of Top Five Tuesday and who really hates it... such as ArtieLange, who posts blogs about every 6 months or so.... readers are just as valuable as writers....

I would love to see who will actually let their voice be heard!

Monday, June 19, 2006

Caught... With Muh Pants Down -- A Story of Discovered Porn

Once upon a time, there was a handsome and charming young man who lived with his gorgeously, intelligent wife and cute little dog in a small commuter town in New Jersey.

One weekday evening, the wife was sleeping soundly on the couch and the husband was flipping through the channels to see if there would be any movies on at night that he might want to see.

He came across "Call Girl Wives." Call Girl Wives is a sweet and sentimental tale of some neglected women who live at home and engage in friendly lovemaking with each other to pass the time. One day...they expand the scope of the intimacy and perform their acts with others.

With that incredibly sweet description and the knowledge that it stars one of the handsome gentleman's favorite "actresses," he decided to tape the program with complete confidence that although it was taped on a public DVR, he would not be caught.

That morning, he was watching an episode of Rescue Me before work when his beautiful wife who had awakened from her deep slumber and jumped straight into the shower and prepared herself for work -- further ensuring his belief that he was not going to be caught -- came downstairs.

At an especially exciting part of the Rescue Me episode, the gorgeous, funny, smart and sensational wife addressed her husband.

"Honey... what is Call Girl Wives about?" she asked.

"Ummm.... " (CRAP!!!), he replied in stunned amazement. "It's... uh... what?" The young man freaked out a bit in his mind as this was the first time that he was discovered in the entire five year relationship with anything of this sort.

"How did you find it?" he asked.

"I couldn't sleep and decided to watch some television at 4 in the morning when I saw that we were taping something," she said.

"Oh... well... it is such a sweet little story I am sure," he said.

"Well, when I watched a bit of it... it sure didn't seem sweet to me," she quickly retorted.

He ... a man who is never at a loss for words... was at a complete loss for words. He was completely busted... so instead of owning it and accepting it, he started to make up excuses for the porn by referring to it as harmelss and soft.

That didn't work either.

In the end... he didn't get in any trouble and yet... he felt so guilty that he never actually watched it... as it wouldn't have been any fun.

Sunday, June 18, 2006

Happy Father's Day

Now behave...


Saturday, June 17, 2006

Ummm... I Bought This Because of the Picture...

I am such a sucker.

I am really looking forward to the two sequels...

Friday, June 16, 2006

Book 28 of 26 -- Marley & Me by John Grogan

Ok! I broke down! I picked up this book about a gentleman and the "World's Worst Dog."

Marley and Me is a sweet sentimental ride about one man's struggle to cope with a dog that he loves very much.

The book follows the life of John Grogan, a journalist and editor, who, with his wife, adopts a cute and energetic Labrador Retriever named Marley.

The stories are horrible to read yet there is a sense of sweetness and kindness about Marley that more than makes up for any of the misdeeds he performs. The story of why/how the wife bonds with him the first time is heart wrenching. You can certainly understand why they might look past some of the dog's horrible features.

Regardless, I can't help but compare this dog to Tucker. We have been tremendously lucky to have a puppy/dog that has been so well behaved. The worst that he has done over the past few months is beg at the dinner table.

Many of the things that Marley did were so destructive and horrible, I am surprised to see that he was left in the house.

Marley and Me is a nice book. Grogan delves a bit too much into the icky parts of a marriage that we all have, but I don't want to read about. I thought it was sweet and sentimental, if not too much at points. I would have liked more dog stories about how Marley touched the lives of the family and his peers.

For the summer or for any dog lover, this is a good read. Think about it!

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Going To the Dentist -- Perhaps a Change?

I read the Newark Star Ledger pretty much every single day. It provides me with the information that I need to stay informed of New Jersey information and national information. There are also a pair of really great entertainment readers that I really like to read. They seem to have the same interests as me so it makes it easier for me to read them.

Seemingly unrelated… a few weeks ago, I went to a new dentist that replaced my old dentist who recently sold her practice. We liked her since she is close to the home and she had night hours which were easier to get than day hours. Thankfully, the dentist that purchased her practice maintained the same hours so we decided to give him a shot.

He was a bit on the nerdy side, but we both really liked him and we plan on going back to him…

However… I am really debating this now… I was reading an article on a recent Sopranos episode by my favorite entertainment reporters when I came across a seemingly random advertisement. It looks legitimate…

Holy smoly… what a horrible name and now she is sticking things into other people’s holes.

Could she be the greatest dentist ever?

Could she have the most unfortunate name ever?

I wonder what the perks are for going to her…

I guess I’ll never find out…

Poor Lucy Slutsky

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Drunk Tucker

This is a picture of Tucker at a BBQ over Memorial Day Weekend.

I think he is drunk.

End of an "Era"... Teacher Anyone?

Oh boy...

I am pretty bummed out right now.

I just got a letter from the place that I teach the highly successful eBay class. "The place" is an Adult Community Education in North Brunsiwck, New Jersey.

I have written about it in the past and I won't bore you with too many details but suffice it to say that I am bummed because the whole program got cancelled.

My class was the only class that was always filled and had a waiting list. I know that half the people that were in my class were people who snuck in because there were always more than 25 people there. One of the classes got to be so large, we had to have a separate class.

I guess that my class was one of the few that did well while the others didn't get the attendance to match the payments out.

It's a shame too... I really enjoyed helping people.

Oh well... anyone else looking for a teacher/tutor?

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Memorial Day Parade

This is Tucker... he's watching the Girl Scouts coming down the street...

In his mind... anything is better than loud marching bands, bagpipes, and fire truck sirens.

9 Year Old With Breasts Riding His Bike

Here is your opportunity to make fun of the people who attend NASCAR races. I was recently at a NASCAR race in Dover, Delaware and I had a fantastic time with my buddy MR. I used to like to take lots of fun pictures of all the obnoxious looking red necks and over all jack asses that we would see.

Over the past four years, I have noticed a shift away from the traditional rednecky type people to a more “Yuppie-ish” group of folks. As the sport gets hipper, so does the clientele.

With that said, we came across this idiot kid that actually stopped his bike to pose for a strange man (me) and his camera at 8:30 at night.)

I asked him old he was and he said that he was 9. Those are fake breasts attached to suspenders and he was biking around the parking lots with this outfit on.

Here are my issues with this situation.

1. The kid has a parent or guardian of some sort who brought him to the event and thought it was alright for the kid to wear them in public.
2. The kid or guardian thought it was alright to purchase the item with actual money.
3. A store thought that the item was good enough to have in stock to sell.
4. A store actually sold the item to the kid.
5. A manufacturer actually promoted this product to stores for further sales.
6. A manufacturer took the time to APPROVE the design and produce the item.
7. Someone was sitting around and thought up this idea and thought it was good enough to shop it around to manufacturers.

It is my thought that almost every single step in this train of thought must have involved beer. At some point in this chain, if beer was removed, I probably wouldn’t be writing about this dopey kid….

However…. God Bless America……. At least he has the right to wear this dopey outfit.

Monday, June 12, 2006

Book 27 of 26 -- James Patterson Beach Road

I continue to read.

I continue to fill my precious head with useless mystery books and books that require a bit more thought...

Then... I pick up a James Patterson book.. The latest is Beach Road. He really does seem to put out like 6-7 books a year. I am not kidding... Within a week of Beach Road being released, he put out a children's book which is the second in a series of books about the flying children.

He also has another book already scheduled to be published at the end of July.

He is really the most prolific writer on the market.

His books pretty much follow the same formula. They are almost always around 400 pages and have about 130 chapters in them. There are usually four main sections, a prologue and an epilogue. A mean, nasty man or woman is killing people and there is a race against time to solve the murder. Oh... and someone usually gets laid... almost always the protagonist who usually tells the story in first person. When more action is added, the story follows characters around in third person...

Beach Road follows the basic formula, but Patterson added a twist this time. The story moves between 6 narrators. Each narrator tells their part of the story and all of them use the first person. It was confusing and irritated the hell out of me around page 200 or so.

It isn't a bad book, but I hate having to flip back to see who said what... irritating.

This is PERFECT beach reading. You should finish it in a day or two.

Sunday, June 11, 2006


Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.

Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about
every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden.....POOF!! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.

She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life: better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life. As a matter of fact,you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!

Then POOF!......she was gone!

After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, "Fred,where are you?"

Fred yells back "I'm over here in the pussy willows."


Saturday, June 10, 2006


Two men were talking. So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know-I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"

Tired of a lifeless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"
She looked at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"

A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small," $6,500 for "medium," and $14,000 for "large." The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor. The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 39th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife-Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: Here Lies My Husband-Stiff At Last."

My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.

One night an 87 yr old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92 yr. old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor assisted living apartment...killing him instantly. Brought before the court on a charge of murder. The judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense. She said coolly, "Yes, your Honor, I figured that at 92, if he could have sex.....he could fly."

Friday, June 09, 2006

10 Year Anniversary

I was at Rutgers the other day for a work event. I went with a co-worker who I don't share much of personal life with, and we were driving around one of the campusses when she asked me, "Smelmooo, didn't you go to Rutgers?"

I replied, "I did... how come?"

She asked, "When did you graduate, and what is that building over there?"

I was surprised at her new inquisitve side, and I was proud to essentially give her a tour of the campus where I had primarilly spent four years of muh life.

Half way through the trip, I remembered something. I started working about 10 years ago. Tomorrow marks the 10th anniversary of that date and I amazed at just how different of a person I am from that hot June day when I stepped into my first job -- a hell job, but a job that helped define me. Only a few of my readers and especially SZG & MB know exactly where it was that I started and how horrible of a place it could have been.

Getting back to how different I am -- I am not talking about having a wife, dog and a mortgage, but more in terms of personality. I was a bit more optimistic about society and life in general for ignorant reasons. Now, I have a bit more realistic point of view but I am optimistic because of a super wife, dog, and place to live.

I also like my job. I find it frustrating at times, and I get annoyed at certain elements of it, but for the most part, I like my job. I don't dread waking up and going to work. I might dread certain meetings I have to attend, but the job itself? Nope.

I hope that doesn't change as long as I have to work. I would love to win the lottery and never have to work again, but then again... beggars can't be chosers.

So 10 years man... that's a lot... but hey... I got about 30 or more to go?

Thursday, June 08, 2006

The Smelmooo at Dover -- Scamming Chicks, Dames and Broads!!!

One of the really cool things about a NASCAR race is that they have an area of "vendors" just giving stuff away to the general public.

If you were to peruse my NASCAR pictures on my pictures page, you will notice a section where my friend and I visited the booths and got our pictures taken with race cars and basically got an up close view of everything.

One of the tactics of these vendors is to hire smoe reasnably attractive women to stand out front and hand stuff out. To be honest, there were about 20 booths and only two of them actually "employed" drop dead gorgeous women. The rest were pretty and fun and paid to make you feel pretty darn important... sound familiar?

At one booth for Garnier hair Products -- the primary sponsor of a car -- they had 3 women styling hair. I was waiting on line for some give away so I got it done. Oh boy... my hair was lovely as anything!

We then moved on to the Royal Crown booth. We signed the usual paperwork and proved that we were 21 or older as we wanted to get a free drink, but were surprised with something else.

They had pretty girls sitting on either side of a throne ... a Royal Crown throne... and they would take your picture for free. Naturally, we got on line as we normally do when it comes to free pictures... let alone pictures with reasonably attractive women.

All these scum bags in front of us got up on the throne and essentially molested these poor girls by drawing them in really tight.... not me... here's how my exchange went down.

Me: "Good morning ladies."

Ladies: "Good morning sexy..."

Me: (Astonished and actually surprised) "Yeah... ok... will you two do me a fun favor?"

Ladies: "Sure, what is it?"

Me: "Will you stick your tongues out at the camera like a five year old would?"

Ladies: "Uh... umm... ok..."

The PICTURE WAS THEN TAKEN... and here it is...

Me: "Thank you so much for this..."

Blonde-ish Lady: "Why did you have us stick out our tongues?"

Me: "Because I am silly and I wanted it to be a silly picture."

Ladies: (With a look of thankfulness that I wasn't some sort of animal killer.) "Awesome! Have a great day sexy..."

Me: "One last thing... will you pretend that the guy behind smells like garbage when you take his picture?"

Ladies: "Nah... he's cute... he gets kissy faces!!!"

He got kissy faces....

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Bonds Rookie Card

Thank you Smelmooo's Brother for sending this to me.

It made me giggle a bunch.

BOOK 26 of 26 -- A Dirty Job by Chris Moore

My goal has been reached and I reached it much ... um... quicker than I ever anticipated. I have read 26 books in five months time. In fact, as I sit to write this review, I have almost read 2 more.

I saved A Dirty Job by my new favorite author Chirs Moore to be my 26th book. I have had it for a couple of months and have waited to have it be THE book to finish my initial goal.

Chris Moore is perhaps the best satirist on the market today. His books make me laugh out loud when I read them. His titles are the most amazing titles on the market. Some include:

The Lust Lizard of Melancholy Cove
Island of the Sequined Love Nun
Bloodsucking Fiends

How can you not like a guy like this? you can tell right away that you are in for a ride.

That's why... I was a bit concerned with the title of his latest book -- A Dirty Job.

BOOOORRRINNNGGG... but the book wasn't. I am not going to sit here and say that this was his best book. No... that will be reserved for LAMB: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal, but A Dirty Job is a nice diversion from the regular world of novels and fiction.

Moore has one of the best weird sense of humors out there. It would be a shame for you to have never read a Chris Moore book...

A Dirty Shame....

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

High Fidelity -- THE MUSICAL?

Rumor has it that my favorite book -- High Fidelity by Nick Hornby -- that was turned into a successful feature motion picture is being turned into a Broadway musical...

WOW.... I hope not.

Sand Blasters: The Extreme Sand-Sculpting Championship

Late one Memorial Day Weekend evening, muh wife and I were suffering through some humid weather -- not wanting to admit that we probably wanted to turn on the air conditioning... when my pudgy fingers came across one of the most exciting shows on television.

There were dynamic personalities...

There were bank robbers....

There were chicks in bikinis...

And... most importantly... there were explosions!!!!

What was this incredible display of super duper awesomeness... you may ask?

It was.... Sand Blasters: The Extreme Sand-Sculpting Championship!

I'm not kidding folks...

How do I describe this?... SAND BLASTERS turns sand sculpting into a major competitive television event -- one with an interesting twist. Eight teams comprised of two world-class sand sculptors each potentially have up to eleven hours to create a sand masterpiece. In addition to the usual challenges the sculptors face -- time limits, weather and sand quality -- one more obstacle must be overcome before any of these teams have a chance at winning a share of the $15,000 prize money - explosives! Periodically, through random selection, one of these works-in-progress is blown-up and the sculptors must start from scratch with whatever time they have left. It is a race to the finish to see which team can overcome the odds and beat out the competition.

The announcers (Chris McGee of vollyeball announcing fame and Vanessa Vander Pluym over hyped and over announced every single bit of this competition. And... we bought every second of it. It was truly a super fun show.

Of the eight teams, five of their works were blown up using real explosives. One of the best parts of the explosions were watching the faces and castles keeping their shape just a split second longer than the rest of the heap. It was even more fun when it was shown in Sllloooooowwww...mmmooooooootttion.....

For some video... as a "preview" of sorts... check out this video..

Enjoy this video... hard as I tried... I just couldn't find a set of pictures from the event...

One of the most amazing things about the event was the detail and dedication that these people put into their work. I would be simply amazed if what they created was a real statue... let alone one made from the elements of a beach.

Sure...the carvers were geeks or a bit on the artsy side... but this show was a "blast" and I am glad that we found it...

Oh yeah... here's the embarassing tidbit.... we were so tired... that we taped the second hour of it so we could see who won....

I wanna blow stuff up... I really a controlled fashion of course!


Is there anyone out there that I know that watches Nip/Tuck?

Just curious....

Monday, June 05, 2006

West Virgina Restroom

I have always heard that West Virginia is a bit backwards but I was surprised at how beautiful it was when we drove through it last month.

HOWEVER.... when we stopped to go to the bathroom at a major rest stop, I was shocked to see this.

There were NO urinals anywhere in the men's room.

Just 15 or so stalls and 15 or so sinks...

I also don't think that guy liked it when I took the picture... he probably thought I was one of dem dang New Joisey homos...



Sunday, June 04, 2006


That's where I am today.

I better have a hang over tomorrow.

Hot Dangit!

Saturday, June 03, 2006

Happy Birfday Eric

Have a great year....

I know you will have another one...

Friday, June 02, 2006

Inn at Vaucluse Springs -- What a Place!

A few years ago, muh wife and I wanted to get far away from the world of New Jersey and try our luck at a Bed & Breakfast or Inn since neither of us had ever really been to one before.

Through some research that involved grilling people in Washington, D.C. and Virginia, we finally discovered The Inn at Vaucluse Springs in Stephens City, Virginia.

We looked at the pictures on the web and read descriptions of it by others on such web sites as TripAdvisor and decided that we would make the trek down. We were treated to one of the prettiest and remote places we have ever been and it's owned and run by a really nice couple named Neil and Barry.

The Inn is an old farmstead that has been converted to several buildings of rooms. There are about 15 rooms and each room is made to feel unique.

What is different about the place from other bed and breakfasts is that 1/2 of the rooms are in separate buildings and feel almost as though they could be cabins. We chose a room where we would only run into one other set of guests. Each room also has its own bathroom, which is unique from what I gather.

We had such a nice time last time that we decided to stay again. They make you feel so much at home and take the time to get to know you. It is truly a magical expericince each time we go.

One of the major reasons to go to the Inn is the meals. Neil is a tremendous cook and she takes great care in preparing items that neither muh wife or I would eat on any other given day. They also take care to discover your likes and dislikes so that they can slightly alter the meal to your liking. The dinners are "extra" and you pay for them per person, but the breakfasts are included in the price of the room.

We completely recommend anyone going. My favorite breakfast was a croissant that was "french toasted." I was given this special meal since the main french toast meal contained almond cream cheese. I never had to say a word this second time around... they had it saved from last time.

The inn is located near the famous Skyline Drive (of Appalachin Trail -- AT fame) and each of the two times we went, we went on a fantastic hike through the wilderness of the Drive. This trip adds to the beauty of the entire trip and is an absolute necessity for any traveller to the area.

Sooo... our time at the inn eventually came to a close after a beautiful weekend with perfect weather... and we headed on home on our 4.5 hour drive...

Before we left though... Tangent Woman had to make sure to feed the hippo...

Thursday, June 01, 2006

R.I.P. -- The Big Blue Buick

It is with great sadness that I report to you that late last month, I officially retired the Big Blue Buick to the world of used car lots.

No more occassional moaning from the brakes.... that three repair shops couldn't figure out the cause of...

No more occassional squeaking in the brakes...that the same repair shops failed to identify....

No more looking like an old man driving erraticly down route 1 and the New Jersey Turnpike....

No more thinking about what my AARP benefits were going to be even though I am just a 32 year old man....

I am sort of sad to see this end of an era... pretty sad indeed. I have been driving the old man type of car for five years now... and now... I have moved on to the Ford Escape. It is a suitable replacement and I will treat it well.

Long story short... now that I am in charge, I am now in charge of vehicle purchasing... I am also not getting the hand me down cars anymore so I get the new car...

This year ... I was tired of the old man cars and switched over to a nice looking Ford's an SUV... and it looks like this:

Ahhh..... the memories and the smell of a new car are an amazing thing....