Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Chinese is Good

As many of you know, I possess a t-shirt that reads.... "Cheese is Good."

I wore the shirt to the bar after the wedding on Saturday. Many of us were just hanging out and relaxing and enjoying each other's company as people often do after a night of frivolity.

That night, the hotel was host to a 20 year high school reunion and the host to some other wedding parties. The bar was full with a wide variety of people yet... they were all rather jovial.

I arrived at the bar by myself as muh wife had met up with a few people prior and we were going to meet at the bar. I had my usual greetings from strangers when I wear the shirt...They included ..

"Hey!... Cheese IIIISSSS Gooooood!!!"
"Fantastic shirt..."
"Cool shirt buddy!"

Then... I got the idiot.

This drunk fella was sitting with his three friends on one of the lobby couches when he announced...

"Chinese is good! What a great shirt!"

I smirked my normal drunk muscle smirk and stated..."Actually... it says... Cheese is good."

Completely ignoring me..."Chinese is good... that almost seems racist!" The volume rising with each statement.

This exchange pretty much repeated itself two more times...

By this point, I was annoyed... as his friends started giggling about how funny a "Chinese is good" shirt is. I lost it...

"Look... if you guys are going to bond with me... a stranger... at least learn to read and get it right."

They all shut was pretty cool.

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Top Five Tuesday

Top Five Pets I Have Had
1. Tucker
2. Bud
3. Goldfish -- Silly plastic bags full of water and fish...only lead to floating heart break....
4. Gerbil #1 -- He died when I wrote with magic marker on his head.
5. Gerbil #2 -- See above.

Top Five Things I Just Don't Understand
1. Country Music -- I ran over my cat...WHAT? My mother kissed muh daddy and ran away with.... WHAT?!?! This type of music is useless and we are making tons of money from idiots... WHAT?!?!?! (OK...maybe that Big and Rich song about riding a cowboy is fun...)
2. Piercings in parts that are often frowned up to even discuss in public let alone PIERCING THEM!
3. Tequilla
4. Vegans
5. The Onion -- Same joke for 6+ years. I just don't get it..

Top Five Porn Names
1. Downy Soft
2. Dick Kamin
3. Rush Mountmore
4. Pickle Pants
5. Ivanna Scrue

Top Five Ways to Skin a Cat
1. Knife
2. Razor
3. Machette
4. Rusty Nail
5. Love Songs Station -- 24 Hours of Love Music...

Top Five Things I Can Do To Annoy My Co-Workers
1. Announce that I need 3 months off as I am pregnant.
2. Bring donuts from two weeks ago -- ever watch someone eat a stale donut after they got their hearts up for a good fresh donut? The "Ick! This is horrible!" Cringe is fantastic!
3. Talk about my puppy... for the 45th time that day.
4. Handle emergencies on my own without the help of anyone else. Don't you hate it when someone does their job well enough that they might not need your nosy nose for help? I know I sure do.
5. Smooch them.

Top Five Elementary School Smells
1. Kids after gym class that refused to shower because puberty didn't happen yet.
2. Sloppy Joes day
3. The old mimeograph machines.
4. Sawdust... you remember what they used to put sawdust on.. don't you?
5. Cleaning solution found in those green rags they wiped the lunch room tables with.

Monday, November 28, 2005


Rutgers Accepts Bid to Insight Bowl
Scarlet Knights Will Face Arizona St. on Dec. 27

Rutgers University Director of Athletics Bob Mulcahy and Head Football Coach Greg Schiano have officially accepted an invitation for the Rutgers University football to play in the Insight Bowl on December 27th at Chase Field in Phoenix.

Rutgers will face Arizona State of the Pac-10 Conference in the Insight Bowl. The Scarlet Knights improved their record to 7-4, and 4-3 in the BIG EAST, with a resounding 44-9 win over Cincinnati in the regular season finale last Saturday. The Sun Devils concluded their regular season with a 6-5 mark, including 4-4 in the Pac-10.

“We’re very happy to be representing Rutgers University, and the state of New Jersey, in the Insight Bowl,” said Rutgers head coach Greg Schiano, “and we’re looking forward to having the opportunity to win our eighth football game this year.”

Ticket information and travel package information will be available on later today...

Death Pool Solicitation

Ok... Ok... It isn't right.. but.. DEATH POOL!!!!

.... my friend and I run a Death Pool.


It's time!!! It's time for the 2006 Death Pool!!!

That's right... you pick celebrities and if you get the most amount of points by the end of the year... you win... This year's first prize is worth almost 300 beans but we would love to see many more people participate thus ensuring a much higher first prize. I have posted the rules below for your benefit. Feel free to enter... as many times as you want... each entry will cost ya 20 beans. ANYONE CAN ENTER! Even if I don't know you... you just need to be very clear about your contact information!


Welcome to the official 2006 Celebrity Death Pool game! For those of you that are new to the concept, it is our time to take back from the celebrities and famous people out there that do nothing but take our money, sweat and tears as we buy their music, watch their games, read about them in the paper, or purchase their movie tickets. The object of the game is simple – Be the contestant at 12:00 Midnight Eastern Standard Time (EST) on December 31, 2006 to have accumulated the most amount of points. How easy is that?

Let's Get Started -- Think long and hard about the current health or possible health of our society’s famous folks. They can be from any forum. They can be athletes, entertainers, politicians, writers or just folks who are famous for being… famous. They can be from any continent. The main criteria is that someone else can identify who they are by name only and their death will be reported in a published account. Choose the 20 of these famous people that you think will die in the year 2006 and write their names in a list.

The Entry Fee is nominal. (20 "beans" per entry. You can enter as many times as you want. It is just going to cost you 20 beans per entry.)

The Point Structure is simple although it has been deated by some of my friends as being goofy, it remains the most exciting way of scoring the game. Points are determined by beginning with a 100 base point system. The age of the deceased celebrity will be deducted from the base score of 100 and a final number will be achieved. For example, if Britney Spears were to die on January 6, 2006, she would be worth 75 points. 100 base points MINUS 25 years old = 75 points.

The most important part of this game is the prize! The total prize will be determined by how many people enter and dollar values will be determined from the following percentages: First Place will receive 80% of the money and Second Place will receive 20% of the money.

In case of a tie, there will be two tiebreakers. The first is whoever has chosen the most amounts of deceased celebrities. The second is whoever has the fewest amounts of players on their team.

The league will have a website that will be updated on a periodical basis. It will contain team choices and as many updates as we can of those that have deceased. The web address is: Feel free to visit the website now to see how the current year is going.

The official length of the contest will run from Saturday, January 1, 2006 between 00:00:01 EST (12:00 AM plus one second on January 1, 2006) and 23:59:59 EST Saturday, December 31, 2006 (11:59 PM plus 59 seconds)

All submissions must be received or postmarked by Friday, December 31, 2005 at 23:59:59 EST. They must be sent to muh normal email address, muh temporary gmail account at or mailed to me at my home. Feel free to email me for that information. I am not putting it out there for everyone to see. Also check the website... there might be the opportunity to submit your picks online. The important fact is that we need the money by January 15, 2006 or your submission doesn't count. Payments can be cash, check or paypal.

Good Luck!!!!

Sunday, November 27, 2005


The Mensa Invitational once again asked members to take any word from
the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter,
and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's {2005} winners:

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stop bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan, in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole

Saturday, November 26, 2005


... to Mike And Nicole...

You guys are now husband and wife...

There were some GREAT stories that came out of this day... and I will share them with you later this week...

One involved my "Cheese is Good" shirt.

Friday, November 25, 2005


... I didn't go today...

I actually slept in... something I never do...

Happy Day After... and Day Before Mike's Wedding...

Rehearsal dinner baby!!!!

Thursday, November 24, 2005

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Exhibitting at a Convention

Sometimes for work, I am asked to go to conventions and represent the companies I work for. I suppose this is a compliment as I am well spoken and I do not drool... welll....often. Overall, I really don't mind exhibiting at conventions as it is mindless work and I get to meet a whole bunch of new people. However, I also really mind exhibiting at conventions because it is mindless work and I get to meet a whole bunch of new idiots.

The most recent convention in Atlantic City that saw a few thousand people walk through the aisles and corridors was one I was asked to exhibit. I do this same convention every year and it is quite an experience. The delegates at the convention range from uniformed animal control officers to town clerks to Mayors. They wide variety of people means I get a wide variety of interactions with people that I may never see again.

As is the case with most exhibitors, I came armed with giveaways for people that I wanted to get the message out to like public works officials and township engineers - the people that have a direct influence into our industry. I am not at all interested in what tax auditors and town clerks really have to say about how great their neighbor's driveway looks since they went to a concrete driveway or hear the same joke used over and over again. "You guys want to do my driveway for free?" Ha ha ha. you people truly crack me up.

With that said, you can see why I might be a tad suspect of the delegates that go trolling around for as many free goodies as they can. The worst of these people have 5 or 6 huge tote bags full of paperwork and free knick knack giveaways. The TRULY experienced bring huge bags on wheels so they don't have to actually carry everything they are just randomly grabbing and putting in their bags. They are people that truly make me cringe and this week, I experienced some things that make me dislike the human species even more. Allow me to share with you.

1. When people go from table to table not caring what your booth is about or having it just not be relevant, they generally all behave the same way. First, these people need to evaluate if what you have is worthy of them picking it up. They generally pick up one of your informational brochures that they truly do not give a crap about and pretend that it is interesting to them. These people generally flip a few pages and then look up at the title of your group and recite under their breath but loud enough so you can hear it the most distinctive word in your group's name. In my case, they simply say "asphalt." They either hum and walk away or they hum and take your item. I am not a big fan of these people as they fake their way and think they are being suave and sneaky and original.

2. Why do these people who are truly the bottom feeders of the convention get to be the ones who JUDGE the worthiness of your item. Damn. does it make me happy or sad when someone has 8 full bags of essentially crap and decides that your giveaway is not good enough to be included, but those 18 Reese's Peanut Butter Cups you picked up were? Yeuppers.

3. I actually am a big fan of those people that just walk up and take and make no pretense about anything except wanting to take the stuff from you.

4. As I listen to how some people behave around free stuff, I am reminded at how my college education is being wasted on these people. My main job for the past few days aside from educating engineers is to be "Put Shit Out Guy." That is what I went to school for 17 years for? Yeuppers.

As you can see, my week was pretty interesting. Anyone else ever show at a convention?

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Happy Birfday DB

Happy Birfday...

Top Five Tuesday Thanksgiving Edition

Top Five Uses for Leftover Turkey
1. Doorstop
2. Petrify it and use it as a weapon against unwanted intruders.
3. Turkey soup! -- Find a bone... go to bed early...
4. FOOTBALL!!!! Remember to have at least one "girl" play.
5. Cat food -- Special cat food... with arsenic... to keep that DAMN random cat out of our damn yard!

Top Five Things You Shouldn't Say at Thanksgiving With the Family
1. What is this? (Pointing at the food on the table.)
2. Ok... ummm.... tell me again...why do I care about you people?
3. Come here sis... give me a BIIIIG ole kiss.
4. !$$$%?@@)%#%#$?
5. Sperm (This is especially inappropriate when you just blurt it out after scooping mashed potatoes.)

Top Five Things You Shouldn't Say at Your New In-Laws Thanksgiving Dinner
1. We've gotta go home... trying to make twins.
2. Your daughter is the best cook in the world... if you count people who never actually turn on the stove.
3. Why didn't you tell me she does that in the bathroom when I asked you if I could marry her? I would have reconsidered!!!
4. When I signed up for this detail... no one told me that "dish washing" was going to be involved.
5. I need a beer. Go get me one...

Top Five Ways to Make Yams More A"peeling"
1. Add brown sugar.
2. Market them with those "twins."
3. Sell "pictures" of them to Playboy magazine. Everyone loves a good pair of yams.
4. Make jokes about them in the Smelmooo's blog.
5. Eat them... on national t.v.... in front of a live studio audience... in muh pajamas....while throwing confetti on a pair of puppies. (I went into a weird zone there...)

Top Five Inappropriate Things I Feel Like Doing In Public Sometimes (JUST FOR LAUGHS -- NOT BECAUSE I LIKE DOING THEM!)
1. Say "masturbation" in every single sentence. Proper term but still makes people cringe.
2. Pour sodas on people's shoes.
3. Eat with my mouth open... a cottage cheese and apple sauce mixture would be best....
4. Sing Christmas carols in July....
5. Stand in the middle of the mall and scream... "Where's my mommy!!! I CAN'T FIND MY MOMMYYY!!!!!"

Monday, November 21, 2005

Random Thoughts Two Days Removed From My 32nd Birfday

1. Super Birfday -- Thank you to muh wife for making this weekend a perfect one... even going so far as to make another special breakfast waffle when Tucker ate my first one. Little troublemaker has never done that and waited until muh birfday to do so!

2. I Make Stuff Up shirt -- For my birfday, muh wife got me a T-Shirt that simply reads "I Make Stuff Up" I wore it out to the mall over the weekend... and I was complimented any time someone saw it. I love it when I wear these funny shirts and I get these new best friends who fell comfortable enough to atually poke my chest and laugh or put their arms around me... Good times...

3. Kinsey -- Let me give you a warning... yes... I knew the movie was about the sex study guy... and no... I never thought it would be THAT explicit. Still a good movie though!

4. Rocky -- Thankfully, muh wife wanted to see Rocky. Would you believe that she has never seen this masterpiece of a movie? I have been resorting to making fun of Sylvester Stallone recently for his announcement that he is planning on filming Rocky 6 that I had forgotten how truly close to perfect the first film was... it is such a powerful examination of a man with simple goals and desires... Great movie... I still like Mr. T in part three though...

5. Richard Jeni -- Over the weekend, muh beautiful wife took me to see one of my two favorite comedians -- Richard Jeni. He makes me laugh and he is one of only two or three people that have had more than 2 specials on HBO. What made the night interesting is that the town (Morristown) had a fire and the lights were out in most of the town. We barely found a place to eat... but it was such a good meal... that it helped make the night even more perfect!

6. Raiders -- Hey Mike, Neal, & Karen.... Nice win by those Raiders... huh?

Sunday, November 20, 2005

Top Ten Most Polite Ways to Say Your Zipper Is Down

Top Ten most Polite Ways to Say Your Zipper Is Down

by David Letterman

10. The cucumber has left the salad.

9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.

8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.

7. Paging Mr. Johnson...Paging Mr. Johnson..

6. Elvis is leaving the building.

5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.

4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.

3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

2. Men may be From Mars...but I can see something that rhymes with Venus.

And the#1 way to tell someone his zipper is unzipped...

1. I always knew you were crazy, but now I can see your nuts.

Saturday, November 19, 2005

It's My Birfday....

.... will you be my friend?

Friday, November 18, 2005

Two Old Ladies Driving To Their Death -- A Story That Brought Two Friends Together

Sometimes something strikes you funny and you know it shouldn't but you laugh anyway.

When I see someone fall down a set of steps, my initial reaction is surprise. I generally let out a gasp or a worried "Oh!" as a gut response. This is then almost always followed up by laughter as people who fall down stairs are hilarious.

The person may be hurt, but that doesn't stop me from laughing at them.

When I started my first job, there was a young fella there that arbitrarily didn't like me. He claims that it had something to do with college when it was really just about his jealousy that he didn't get into the same program I did... (Go Eagleton!)

He didn't want to like me... until the day we bonded over something seemingly horrible.

I read a story in the paper about two old ladies who were in their parked car at the Claridge Casino in Atlantic City. The one woman must have hit her gas pedal wrong or something because her car shot forward.

It shot forward so much that it somehow broke through the concrete wall and dropped 5 stories to the street.

Both ladies died...

I read this story in the office and I burst out laughing... I couldn't help myself... I was familiar with the Claridge parking lot and that gas pedal must have been pretty firmly planted for the car to go THROUGH a concrete wall.

My friend asked me what I was laughing about so hard since the place where we worked was NOT about laughing or having a good time.

I showed him, he cocked his eyebrow and then started laughing too.

The rest is history...we have been friends forever... in fact... I am talking to him over IM right now... as I write this...

Who would have thought that the rather horrible death of two elderly women could have created such a wonderful friendship?

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Tucker's Visit to the Beach

Last Friday, muh wife and I packed Tucker into the car (read: he wanders around on her lap and in the back seat.) and headed off to take him to the beach. He has never been there before so we were intrigued as to how he would react at the beach for a variety of reasons.

1. The car ride was pretty long.
2. The ground wasn't anything like he had ever stepped on before...
3. We knew it was going to be really windy and he doesn't really like the wind.

Regardless, we set out on the 40 minute drive anyway.

Armed with plastic bags and doggie treats we stopped first to visit Uncle Chris and Kelli at the soccer tournament that he was running. Tucker was the toast of the town as everyone loved him and made sure to tell us how cute our "little puppy" was. For some reason, it gives me great pleasure to announce that he is almost one years old. Most people ooh and ahh and are excited that he will remain cute for ever... we agree.

After a short visit and a swollen head full of compliments, we continued to the beach...

After a walk from the beach house, Tucker stepped onto the squishy ground. It took him a few minutes to get his bearings, but he eventually reacted as though the ground was a normal hard floor. It was his home, his castle, his place of doing business. He couldn't be stopped!

We wandered around for awhile and finally crossed the beach to the ocean where Tucker's nose finally stopped sniffing and he stared at the oncoming water with great interest. He would walk back and forth trying to figure out how water could move like that. He eventually gave up and we walked up the beach some.

Tucker examined everything... rocks, seaweed, shells, and watched the birds as they flew away... he was truly an explorer..discovering ground that no one had discovered... he was our little Columbus...

The beach was good for him... he roamed and ran around with great interest and respect.

It made us very happy to see our cute fur ball love something that we do...

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Off to a Convention

I am off for two days to go to a convention...

On a similar note... I have discovered that the Soduko craze has changed direction... there are JIGSAW Sodukos...

I tried my first one this week and I am planning on doing these more often!

Congrats to me...

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Top Five Tuesday -- Making Fun Of Things I Really Shouldn't

Top Five People Younger Than Daniel Radcliffe -- The Kid Playing Harry Potter at Age 14
1. The cast of 21 Jump Street!
2. Dick Clark
3. His parents
4. Bill Cosby
5. Jesus

Top Five People I Don't Want Babysitting Tucker
1. The BTK killer
2. T.O.
3. Jesse Jackson
4. Ashlee Simpson
5. Any "boy band" member...

Top Five Careers For A Person Who Loses a Leg to a Shark
1. Kickstand
2. Doorjam
3. Art
4. Bait
5. First Down Marker

Top Five Reasons Why Rappers Should Not Be Actors
1. House Party 3
2. Steven Segal movies with all the rappers.
3. P. Diddy Do Da...
4. Deep Blue Sea
5. XXX - State of the Union

Top Five Saddest Things I Heard This Weekend
1. One of my favorite WWE wrestlers was found dead -- Eddie Guerrero
2. Bush is still President.
3. Arrested Development was cancelled...
4. Jesse Jackson chimed in about the TO incident... why?
5. Rutgers took a beating...

Top Five Reasons Why Sunday Rocked -- Football Reasons Only
1. Eli Manning showed his true colors with FOUR interceptions
2. Indianapolis went 9-0. I want them to go 16-0 just so I don't have to watch those obnoxious ex-Dolphin players hold champagne glasses anymore.
3. Did anyone else see how that field goal attempt by the Chicago Bear went in a complete 90 degree angle?
4. The QB for San Francisco threw for a TOTAL of 28 yards the whole game.
5. At halftime, the Vikings had more POINTS than yards. That is embarrassing... right? Heh heh... The worst part is... they still won. Poor Giants.

Monday, November 14, 2005

Satisfying Holiday Weekend

Why was my three day weekend satisfying? I have several reasons... and they might seem odd...but added up... they equal super duper fun-ness.

1. On Sunday, I went into the office to get ahead of the work that I have inheritted with my new job as Executive Director. I am sure that the people in my office are not going to be happy about the lists of things to do on their chairs and desks. In the 90 minutes that I was in the office, I seriously must have gotten an entire day's worth of work done. It was more than satisfying.

2. Muh wife and I have finally caught up with our viewing of Arrested Development. We gave it a shot on DVD last year and loved it. We didn't watch season 2 at all since it was already in the middle of it... so we taped season 3 until 2 came out and we caught up. This really might be the best show on television folks... I love Buster and Gob. They make me giggle.

3. We returned to New Brunswick for a really great dinner at Makeda with Seth and Leslie. I am always amazed at muh wife who was not a sharer when we met and now... she eats with her hands from the same plate as our friends. Dinner was followed up with some quality time with our friends Gina and Jack as they begin their new journey into Staten Island by celebrating New Brunswick...

4. Friday night was very exciting for me/us. Our friend Kelly was showcased with other artists in an exhibit in a Trenton art gallery. The exhibit was wonderful and Kelly sold her piece. I/We are so proud of her. Good work!

5. I was able to rake up the whole back yard. I looked at it and sighed as I didn't think there was much to do... Bags of debris later... I was surprised...

Sunday, November 13, 2005



1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to tell about this blog.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.

Saturday, November 12, 2005

More Proof That I Am Seven Years Old Sometimes

This picture really DOES make me laugh out loud.

Friday, November 11, 2005

Why I Fired My Secretary

Last Week Was My Birthday And I Didn't Feel Very Well Waking Up That Morning. I Went Downstairs For Breakfast Hoping My Wife Would Be Pleasant And Say, "Happy Birthday!", And Possibly Have A Present For Me. As It Turned Out, She Barely Said Good Morning, Let Alone "Happy Birthday."

I Thought... Well, That's Marriage For You, But The Kids Will Remember. My Kids Came to Breakfast And Didn't Say A Word. So When I Left For The Office, I Was Feeling Pretty Low And Somewhat Despondent.

As I Walked Into My Office, My Secretary Jane Said, "Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday!" It Felt A Little Better That At Least Someone Had Remembered. I Worked Until one o'clock and Then Jane Knocked On My Door And Said, "You Know, It's Such A Beautiful Day Outside, And It's Your Birthday, Let's Go Out To Lunch, Just You And Me."

I Said, "Thanks Jane, That's The Greatest Thing I've Heard All Day. Let's Go!" We Went To Lunch. But We Didn't Go Where We Normally Would Go. We Dined Instead At A Little Place With A Private Table. We Had Two Martinis Each And I Enjoyed The Meal Tremendously On The Way Back To The Office, Jane Said, "You Know, It's Such A Beautiful Day.. We Don't Need To Go Back To The Office, Do We?"

I Responded, "I Guess Not. What Do You Have In Mind?"

She Said, "Let's Go To My Apartment"

After Arriving At Her Apartment Jane Turned To Me And Said, "Boss, If You Don't Mind, I'm Going To Step Into The Bedroom For A Moment. I'll Be Right Back."

Ok." I Nervously Replied.

She Went Into The Bedroom And, After A Couple Of Minutes, She Came Out Carrying A Huge Birthday Cake... Followed By My Wife, Kids, And Dozens Of My Friends And Co-Workers, All Singing "Happy Birthday".

And I Just Sat There…

On The Couch...Naked

Thursday, November 10, 2005

This is funnny... Make him Dance!!!

Click here....

Just A Few Things I Am "Noticing"...

1. You may remember a recent item I posted was about those new NBC ads where the annoying friends are discussing what is on television that night ... and it serves as an advertisement for NBC. CBS has taken that concept a step further. A guy is running a help line and a woman calls and asks for assistance... he runs down the CBS Thursday night line up.... Creative and innovative...and extremely annoying...

2. Could Nestle Crunches... Snack Size only... be the greatest candy ever? They are thicker than their ergular sized counterparts and full of chocolately goodness!

3. The Great Prognasticater was right... I was the one who finished closest to predicting the governor's race results... I was also ... sort of right in the Assembly elections... now... I just wish that my skills will be as good in the Death Pool...

4. The best part of an iPod believe it or not is that I can find all the songs by one artist at one time. I am listening to more "albums" that I ever would have with just CDs. I am amazed at some of the stuff that I find...and will listen to all the way through...

5. My wife and her friends actually TALK ON THE PHONE about Friendster... nuts... nuts I tell you...

6. I have tomorrow off... Veteran's Day... We plan on taking the Tuckmeister to the beach to see how he likes it. THe car ride itself will be worth it for him, but it should be neat to watch him. I plan on carrying him to the middle of the beach and letting him lose.

7. Our friend Kelly has her first "art show" tomorrow for her photography. We ... even Tucker... are wishing her the best.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005


The EPIC battle between the PORK CHOP EXPRESS with Jack Burton as the team captain against... the Evil and Dark ASSSHHHFFAAUULLTTT!!! is another week deeper and it ain't any freaking prettier for yours truly.

I was so annoyed by last week's episode that I almost threw my shoe through the screen. (I was at a work event and I rush home for this bit of garbage?)

Jamie's behavior actually made me want to kick someone in the head and I am actually disgusted wiht myself for picking him!

My individual comments will continue...

Judd -- It is your week to up Jamie one on the obnoxious level... good luck.
Lydia -- SHe has still disappeared... where the hell is she?
Jamie -- From last week -- "Why did they edit you to be a psychotic this week?" BECAUSE YOU ARE!!!!!!!!
Stephenie -- Interesting how the girl that has to compete at top speed and is the greatest... decided to sit out this week.
Bobby Jon -- STILL a real whack job...
Gary -- Two more weeks with him... that's it.
Rafe -- You might be my choice for favorite player... stop crying though...
Danni -- If she loses another pound...a rib will have to actually fall out of her body.
Cindy -- Do you have any brain cells that you actually use? C'Mon... I know you are smarter than that!

Brandon -- bye bye... I really liked you... you seemed the most genuine one of the all...


Tucker's Nuts

Judd (5)
Lydia (8)
Jamie (12)
Brandon (9) -- Booted Week 8
Blake (13) -- Booted Week 5
Brooke (1) -- Booted Week 4
Brianna (4) -- Booted Week 3
Morgan (16)-- Booted Week 2

Gary (2)
Danni (3)
Rafe (6)
Cindy (11)
Brian (7) BOOTED WEEK SIX!!!!
Margaret (14) BOOTED WEEK SIX!!!!
Jim (15) BOOTED WEEK ONE!!!!

Bobby Jon

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Top Five Tuesday - Gangsta Bitch Style

Top Five Most Annoying Things About the Obama/Corzine Rally
1. Did I really need to be there 3.5 hours before it started? Now really...
2. My ass hurt from sitting on the wooden bench the whole time.
3. It was most warm in the gymnasium... and no beverages....
4. The bathrooms were farther away than where I parked the car.
5. The woman in front of us LOVED to tell me the names of all the "important" people in the room. Funny thing is... I have drank beers with all the people she was pointing out and so had the person next to me.

Top Five Reasons Why You Should See "Dirty Rotten Scoundrels"
1. The lead... Norbert Leo Butz... yeah.. you don't know him..but he was incredible...
2. Joanna Gleason... yeah... she isn't a fantastic singer... but I could fall in love with her if I was older.
3. The song... "Great Big Stuff"
4. The guy who played the "French Guy" He took the stereotype and turned it on its head.
5. It isn't ER.

Top Five Entertainment Story "Headlines" That Make Me Cry For Real News
1. Aniston Says She's Been Wrongly Pegged as a Crier -- My Brain just lost 3 IQ points.
2. (Lead Article) Gossip: Brangelina not married
3. Federline Rap Posted on Internet -- Anything featuring K-Fed needs to be blown up.
4. Tyra Banks Goes Undercover As Obese Woman (What is with this woman?)
5. Collins: I'm open to Genesis reunion -- Ouch....

Top Five What's Happening? Episodes Now That We have Watched ALL of Them Over the Past Couple Months
1. The Eviction -- No Roger, No Rerun, No Rent!
2. The Birthday Present -- The First and the best...and the one where they make fun of each other...the first season was great for that.
3. The Hospital Stay -- The one where Roger has the crusty old man as his roommate before surgery.
4. The Burger Queen -- Dee gets a commercial ... the one Rerun wanted...
5. My Three Tons -- The one where Rerun becomes a member of the Rockets... inspiring the classic line ... "Four Rockets and a MOON!!!"

Top Five Movies That I Want to See For No Apparent Reason
1. Good Night, and Good Luck
2. Saw II -- Uncut edition... (GET IT?!?!? MWAH HA HA HA HA HA)
3. Jarhead
4. Chicken Little
5. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

Top Five Things I Would Rather Do Then Listen to Terrel Owens Talk
1. Eat razor blades
2. Puke the razor blades back up.
3. Poop the razor blades out.
4. Eat moldy cheese...
5. Run naked through Times Square.

Monday, November 07, 2005

So... I Was Thinking...

1. I sit in meetings all the time and for the most part, I am ... by far... the youngest guy in the room. The meetings generally have men that are in their 50s, 60s, and 70s. It always amazes me when their cell phones ring. It is first amazing that they have not turn off their ringers or put the phones on vibrate. I am also amazed at how these older gentlemen have some of the funkiest cell phone ring tones. I can't even describe them but it is amusing to me to watch them try to turn them off. :)

2. I have a theme song trapped inside my giant head. There is a natural gas company promoting its cheaper prices all over the radio. If you call their number, they can show you ways to save money by using natural gas or changing your service to their company. No big deal...that's what commercials are for... However... the jingle has a lady singing in a pretty sweet yet jingle voice.... (1-877...I've... Got Gas!!!) It giggle big time...

3. Rutgers lost this weekend and it drove me crazy since I was pretty much listening to the whole game on the radio. I see the chances slipping... I hope they don't disappear entirely......

4. Tomorrow is Election... Get your ass out to vote....

5. I was lucky to see Barack Obama speak at a jon Corzine rally... my feelings on the Corzine campaign aside, I was extremely impressed by the intesnity and sincerity of Obama... I really hope he goes far.

6. Freaking Raiders.....

Sunday, November 06, 2005



This is upsetting but I thought I should pass it along. Check your drivers license. Now you can see anyone's Driver's License on the Internet, including your own! I just searched for mine and there it was...picture and all!! Thanks Homeland Security! Where are our rights? I definitely removed mine. I suggest you do the same...Go to the web site and check it out.

Just enter your name, city and state to see if yours is on file. After your license comes on the screen, click the box marked "Please Remove".

This will remove it from public viewing, but not from law enforcement.

Saturday, November 05, 2005

This is so stereotypical...

-- Tornado kills at least 7 people in an Evansville, Indiana, mobile home park, officials say.


Friday, November 04, 2005

Road Closed Sign

This sign represents my brain.

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Important Random Thoughts ... of Death?

Quick AND Random

1. NBC has new ads out... they feature what I think are two men and two women talking like they were at a water cooler. They talk about the shows that are going to be on NBC that night. The commercials are SO subtle that I often forget what they are about.

2. I had a really surreal moment this morning when I walked out of my house to have my friend who just moved in three doors down meet me at my car for breakfast. Something just seems wrong about that.

3. I am so unbelievably happy that Tucker is now "fetching" the ball outside. It used to be an inside only activity, but the pup is adapting!

4. We watched the latest episode of The Office last night. The plot essentially focused on Michael procrastinating signing a bunch of time sheets and checks. I have a folder of checks and sheets to sign sitting next to me. I can't help but procrastinate on that like Michael did.

5. My promotion went into effect on Tuesday. I haven't been too "broadcasty-y" about it yet... but here it is.. in the bottom of a RANDOM THOUGHTS article. Let's see who actually reads this. I run the whole frigging show now....

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

My Friend Makes Me Laugh

I am keeping him anonymous... but this is why this guy is my friend. He makes me proud.

"it's a proud day when your son drops his first mega-log that requires the use of a plunger.

that's my boy. :)"

Random Awesome Thoughts About Our Trip to New England

1. Moose Crossings -- I am always amazed when I go to New England that there are signs on major interstates with six lanes across that read "Moose Crossing." How awesome is that? I wanted to see a moose, because, afterall, I was at their crossing on many, many occassions.

2. 65 MPH My Ass -- I am also amazed that they even have 65 mph signs posted. It appears that the speed limit on these roads is something in the low 90s. I normally go about 10 to 13 mph over the speed limit on interstate roads. It's an average that keeps me moving past other cars yet I don't draw attention to myself by blowing by them. I was getting passed regularly.... I felt like Miss Daisy...

3. Hotel -- When we arrived at the hotel in VERMONT, it seemed as though everything in the room was going wrong. The room wasn't ready at 9:00 at night even though we had a room confirmation from the day before! The lamp and outlets on one wall were blown out and they had down pillows on the beds. We were forced into a two bed room, we couldn't charge our phones and we got stuffed up from allergies... Night two was much better when we got up the oompf to "complain."

4. Rest Stop -- They had Free Coffee at the rest stops on the Interstates... uber-cool...I wished I drank the stuff.

5. Miserable Guy on the Ben & Jerry's Tour -- We were in a good place. There were free samples and happy wives all around even though it was slightly overcast. However, there was an older fella on the tour who just wasn't very happy. Someone asked him how he was doing and he responded with..."Crappy... I haven't seen sun in two weeks AND I Want to Go HOME NOW." Dude... just chill... it isn't THAT bad...I swore I saw you smile in the Flavor Graveyard.

6. Binderiology -- Binderiology is a word... it really is...

7. Power Ball -- The jackpot was something like 50 bazillion dollars... we made our $5 donation and matched ZERO numbers... Vermont bastards...

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Top Five Tuesday -- Halloween Edition

Top Five Costumes For Tucker That I Wanted to Buy But Would Have Been Nixed For Purposes of Taste or That It Had a Hat and He Hates Hats
1. Pimp -- Stupid hat...
2. Penitentary Puppy -- It read "I Peed Penitentary" on the back.
3. Sailor... All I could think of was... damn those Village People for ruining a perfectly cute outfit!
4. Carrot -- I am serious... this was great but it required a hat.
5. Sperm Cell... funny... but... umm... yeah... I know...

Top Five Costumes I Saw For Trick or Treaters Last Night
1. Snapple Bottles -- Really cute...
2. Gum on the bottom of her shoe. -- It was great!
3. Tucker's athletic outfit. He was a hit... all night long.
4. Catholic school girl... damn those moms...
5. Any little kid dressed completely head to toe in something furry... like Tigger...or Spider Man

Top Five Most Awesome Things About This Past Weekend
1. RUTGERS is bowl eligible AND will have a winning record AND they beat up on Navy -- FIELD TRIP... please make the Insight Bowl... Please make the Insight Bowl...
2. Saturday morning was chore day. We got a TON done around the we cleaned the garage and put things away for the coming cold months.
3. Tucker was just cuter than he has ever been as he loves his comfy pillow in the living room. No matter where we put it... he finds it and falls asleep on it.
4. I was able to light a fire in our fireplace. We had it checked out by a chimney sweep this week and we can use the fireplace safely now.
5. Mad Hot Ballroom is a great movie... not as good as March of the Penguins but still very good.

Top Five Worst Things About This Weekend
1. The haunted house we went to in a neighboring town was perhaps the worst one ever AND it opened up 45 minutes late. The only saving grace is that the admission went to a charity....
2. I was expecting so much more from Woody Allen's latest Melinda & Melinda -- It is an average movie from him. I am not sure why my mind had it better than it was...
3. It was really cold on Saturday... but it did turn around to being gorgeous on Sunday though.
4. Muh wife reminded me that we should really be eating better... but dammit... I love wings in a bag!
5. That's it... I'm tapped.

Top Five Best Things We Watched This Past Weekend In NO Particular Order
1. Mad Hot Ballroom -- Nothing like watching inner
2. The Soup -- I absolutely adore this show. It is the best smarmy comedy show on the television. Joel McHale is a true talent.
3. Tilt -- I missed it when it was on television. It is just glitzy and over the top. I love that sh*t.
4. Rutgers winning... oh wait... that wasn't on TELEVISION... I had to watch the "virtual gamecast" on the computer.
5. The Eagles getting TROUNCED by the Broncos... I hate the Eagles...

Top Five Reasons As To Why Harriet Miers Withdrew Her Nomination
1. She wasn't frigging qualified people....
2. She wasn't frigging qualified people....
3. She wasn't frigging qualified people....
4. She wasn't frigging qualified people....
5. She wasn't frigging qualified people....