Sunday, December 31, 2006

Just the Right Angle

These are some silly and good photos.

Saturday, December 30, 2006

The Seamstress

One day, a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the water. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"

The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked

The seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

Again, the seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!" The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney.

"Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the seamstress.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord! It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.”

And so the Lord let her keep him.

The moral of this story: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others.

Friday, December 29, 2006


Oof... Now what am I going to do on Saturdays?

Thursday, December 28, 2006

One More Game

Tonight's the big bowl game for Rutgers and thankfully, I will be able to see it. There was a lot of concern that the NFL Network wasn't going to be seen anywhere in New Jersey...

But... alas... it's the big game.

Best part of the past couple days?

Driving around the state and in between the obnoxious Christmas displays... Rutgers banners are flying.


What I Read in 2006

It was a good year.

This is what I read this year.

1. Nicholas Sparks -- At First Sight
2. Jimmy Carter -- Sharing Good Times
3. Heartbreak & Triumph: Th Shawn Michaels Story
4. Steve Martini -- Simeon Chamber
5. Steve Martini -- Compelling Evidence
6. Steve Martini -- Prime Witness
7. Steve Martini -- Undue Influence
8. Mick Foley -- Scooter
9. Stephen Frey -- The Protege
10. Stephen King -- The Cell
11. James Patterson -- 5th Horseman
12. Dan Savage -- The Commitment: Love, Sex, Marriange, and My Family
13. Stephen White -- Kill Me
14. Chris Moore -- The Stupidest Angel V.2.0
15. Michael Chaippetta -- Journey into Darkness (Kane story)
16. Steve Martini -- The Judge
17. Cheating Death, Stealing Life: The Eddie Guerrrero Story
18. Steve Martini -- The List
19. Steve Martini -- Critical Mass
20. Steve Martini -- The Attorney
21. WWE Wrestlers -- Are We There Yet?
22. Jonathan Kellerman -- Gone
23. Stuart Woods -- Dark Harbor
24. Jesse Kellerman -- Sunstroke
25. Steve Martini -- The Jury
26. Chris Moore -- A Dirty Job
27. James Patterson -- Beach Road
28. John Grogan -- Marley & Me
29. James Patterson -- Maximum Ride School's Out Forever
30. Steve Martini - The Arraignment
31. Steve Martini -- Double Tap
32. Phillip Margolin -- Proof Positive
33. Thriller -- Compilation of Stories Editted by James Patterson
34. Janet Evanovich -- Twelve Sharp
35. A.M. Homes -- This Book Will Save Your Life
36. Elizabeth Kostova -- The Historian
37. David McCullough -- 1776
38. Stephen Frey -- The Power Broker
39. David Baldacci -- Absolute Power
40. David Baldacci -- Total Control
41. David Baldacci -- The Winner
42. David Baldacci -- The Simple Truth
43. Faye Kellerman -- The Garden of Eden and Other Criminal Delights
44. James Patterson -- Judge & Jury
45. David Baldacci -- Saving Faith
46. David Baldacci -- Wish You Well
47. James McGreevey -- The Confession
48. David Baldacci -- The Christmas Train
49. Nick Hornby -- Housekeeping vs. The Dirt
50. David Baldacci -- Last Man Standing
51. Audrey Niffennegger -- The Time Traveler's Wife
52. David Baldacci -- Split Second
53. Stuart Woods -- Short Straw
54. David King -- The Ha-Ha
55. Nelson DeMille -- Wild Fire
56. Jonathan & Faye Kellerman -- Capital Crimes

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Guinea Pig Dinner Redux

It worked out beautifully.

Thanks kiddies for being our guinea pigs.

Flying -- A True Nightmare Story

Muh wife and I recently flew someplace. She was lucky enough (much to her chagrin) to be bumped up to first class leaving the ole Smelmooo behind to sit next to a 13 year oldish young boy with long hair that appeared to be pretty sleepy.

It's important to the story to note that he and his big father sitting directly behind us were dressed up in camoflague and looked mean.

The flight began and about 15 minutes into the flight, the kid entered comatose stage.

Comatose stage entailed that he would drift back and forth between the two people he was sitting between which included me in the aisle seat.

He leaned onto me so much that I would push him back whenever possible. I was pretty tolerant for about 90 minutes ina 180 minute flight. Muh wife thought I was pretty tolerant of the situation when she visited me in the beginning of the flight. The kid was leaning on me ... And I was letting it go. got weird. The kid was basically fighting my forceful shoves and had his head in my lap. That's when I got pretty absolutely uncomfortable. I cannot express enough how horrible this situation really was.

I called over the flight attendant and said the following "I want you to please witness this as a neutral third party.". She gave me a look of incredulity and shrugged.

That was when I grabbed the kid's head with both hands while looking at the flight attendant. It made her nervous, but oh well. I took his head and forcefully "shoved" it to the center of his seat.

He finally woke up and was startled by this.

"Please, in the name of all that is good and holy, keep your body off of mine."

He did.

Here's the amazing thing though. I use muh wife as my moral compass in situations such as these and even with the way I wrote this, she thought I was totally in the right.

So...the flight finished and we went to get our bag and it was lost... Maybe I was being punished by a greater force.

Continental gave us a bag of toiletries -- the very items that we can't take on board anymore... they better stock up on these bags.

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Tangent Woman's Ample Bosom

For those of you that do not know, muh wife -- the beautiful Tangent Woman -- has an ample bosom.

Now that I have your attention, I am not kidding. She knows that I am writing this so don't give me any sh*t about being disrespectful or anything.

We were out and about recently in a rather warm climate so muh wife wa wearing a t-shirt that showed off her ampleness.

We were walking around the place we were staying at and there was some sort of golf clinic going on where there we're tons of teenage boys. All of which seemed to enjoy staring at the ample bosom of muh wife.

I refused to get muhself at all riled up by this. I also think that I may have appreciated it a bit more than I should have. Whatever...

Muh wife and I have the type of relationship where I can tell her this and we can laugh about it.

It was a great discussion piece.

Thank you wife for your ample bosom and letting me look at it as would all those teenage boys.

I was going to write more about a family member not directly related to me or her that also likes to stare at them... but I will let her do it.

Happy Boxing Day!

Monday, December 25, 2006


We wish you a Merry Christmas from the Smelmooo household -- Tucker, Smelmooo and the incomparable Tangent Woman.

Ho Ho Ho...

Sunday, December 24, 2006

IF Santa Answered His Mail Honestly.....

IF Santa Answered His Mail Honestly.....


Deer Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. I'v ben a gud boy all yeer.

Yer Friend,

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawncare. How about I send you a book so you can learn to read and spell? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell.


Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love , Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?


Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.

Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me send you some Legos instead.


Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation 2, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays. I bet you're gay. I'll set you up with a Barbie.


Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love, Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of Scotch.


Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China I have a condo in Vegas where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.


Dear Santa,
Do you see us whe n we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.


Dear Santa,
I really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE, PLEASE could I have one?
Love, Timmy

Dear Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks! , but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater agai n.


Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house. How do you get into our home?
Love, Marky

Dear Mark,
First stop callling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window.

Sweet dreams,

Saturday, December 23, 2006

Guinea Pig Dinner

We have recently started a new tradition in the Smelmooo/Tangent Woman household at Christmastime.

In an effort to spend MORE time with our families on Christmas, we made a case to my side of the family to have us host the holiday on Christmas at our house.

Last year, we did it and it worked out brilliantly. Muh wife and I are good cooks when we want to be and we are exceptional hosts... often times too good in that we don't get to relax much.

In an effort to ensure that dinner is good, we often try out the menu on some unsuspecting folks prior -- calling it the Guinea Pig Dinner.

Our delicious menu this year includes:

Peppered Port Tenderloin with an interesting marinade
Sausage Stuffing
Duchess Potatoes
Steamed Brocolli and Corn

I can hear the drippings of drool from my family members who read anticipation of super awesome tasty dinner.

Friday, December 22, 2006

Three Word Movie Reviews

40 Year Old Virgin -- Still "F*$%ing Funny"

Accepted -- Not entirely waste-y

The Ant Bully -- Antually... pretty good.

Bachelor Party, Vegas -- Stupid, Fun Tripe

Beerfest -- Sudsy Good Time

Borat -- Uncomfortably Brilliant Satire

The Break Up -- Three laughs... maybe...

Cars -- Visually stunning... fun!

Casino Royale -- I Realllllllly Liked

The Da Vinci Code -- Symbology Equals Boring

For Your Consideration -- Filled With Giggles

Ice Age: The Meltdown -- Good as Original

An Inconvenient Truth -- Learned a Bunch

John Tucker Must Die -- It's a movie?

The L Word (Season 1) -- Lots of Boobies

The L Word (Season 2) -- Lots of Boobies

The L Word (Season 3) -- Lots of Boobies

Miami Vice (2006) -- Long and Boring

OH In Ohio -- Oh!... ummm... alright...

The Proposition -- Ooof. Long winded...

Pulse -- Pulsatingly Stupid Dull

Queer as Folk (Season 1) -- Strangely Addictively Interesting

Scoop -- Classic Woody Allen

See Arnold Run -- What You'd Expect

See No Evil -- Typical Slasher Flick

Strangers With Candy -- Good Fun Ride

Superman Returns -- Unnecessary Boring...Superpoo

Who Killed the Electric Car? -- Informative Yet Preachy

Wordplay -- Delectably Delightful Doc

You, Me, and Dupree -- You, Me, Shit

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Also why it's better...

I go home to this cuteness...

It's All Better Now

I love the power of comedy...

I was having an especially rough day the other day at work.

My normal modus of operadni is to come home, disappear in my thoughts, and do something productive like cook a meal or fix something around the house.

It was pretty late at night so I came home and stole the remote from muh wife and flipped channels until I found Dazed and Confused.

I don't normally laugh out loud at movies, but dammit... this movie makes me laugh every single time I see it.

Thank you Dazed and Confused... you rock.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Happy Birfday Gina

You go girl... you don't look a day over 25.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006


Survivor 1 in Borneo -- Richard Hatch (No Game)
Survivor 2 in Australia -- Tina Wesson (Ashfault!)
Survivor 3 in Africa -- Ethan Zohn (Ashfault!)
Survivor 4 in Marquesas -- Vecepia Towery (Pork Chop Express)
Survivor 5 in Thailand -- Brian Heidik (Pork Chop Express)
Survivor 6 in Amazon -- Jenna Morasca (Pork Chop Express)
Survivor 7 in Pearl Islands -- Sandra Diaz-Twine (Pork Chop Express)
Survivor 8 ALL STARS -- Amber Brkich (Pork Chop Express)
Survivor 9 in Vanuatu -- Chris Daugherty (Pork Chop Express)
Survivor 10 in Palau -- Tom Westman (Pork Chop Express)
Survivor 11 in Guatemala -- Danni Boatwright (Ashfault!)
Survivor 12 in Panama (Exile Island) -- Aras Baskauskas (Pork Chop Express)
Survivor 13 in the Cook Islands -- Yul Kwon (Pork Chop Express)

Overall Total
Pork Chop Express -- 9
Ashfault! -- 3



Ozzy (Oscar)(9)-- FINISHED SECOND
Candice (13) -- BOOTED WEEK ELEVEN
Rebecca (17) -- BOOTED WEEK NINE
Sekou (16) -- BOOTED WEEK ONE
Side Bet
Caucasian Americans -- 0 Left
African Americans -- 0 Left

Jonathan (11) -- BOOTED WEEK TWELVE
Nathan (6) -- BOOTED WEEK TEN
Jessica (14) -- BOOTED WEEK SEVEN
Anh-Tuah (Cao Boi) (7) -- BOOTED WEEK SIX
Christina (10) -- BOOTED WEEK SIX
Stephanie (18) -- BOOTED WEEK FIVE
Cecilia (2) -- BOOTED WEEK THREE
Billy (19) -- BOOTED WEEK TWO
Side Bet
Hispanic Americans -- 0 Left
Asian Americans -- 1 Left

New Trend in Commercials -- STOP IT!

Ok... so there I am.. watching television when one of these new trends in commercials appears before me in my screen.

Companies are beginning to take pre-established and recognized material and have the "character" break the fourth wall and talk to the audience.

It was cute in the beginning and now... it is just getting too crazy.

It started off innocently enough for Direct Tv or something when Peyton Manning was calling a play at the line and then spoke to the audience about Direct TV. Got ya... It was neat and innovative and I smiled each time I saw it...

Then... it got crazier...with more examples of this stealing of originality.

Just last weekend during the football game, I was treated to the destruction of A Christmas Story -- the famous scene where Ralphie asks for a gun from Santa while hanging on to the ramp.

Then... I saw Office Space destroyed for a stupid video game commercial...

Then... perhaps the MOST egregious example of all!!!!!! They wrecked the sexy Daisy Duke (Jessica Simpson) scene where she kicks some guy's ass to have her shill for a product.


Please stop... it was bad enough ten years ago when you figured out how to have Fred Astaire dance with a vacuum cleaner... Now this needs to stop as well.

Monday, December 18, 2006

Happy Birfday Tucker

You are 2 today!

Tucker got a birthday card this week from his pet insurance company. We opened it and smiled as it is really cute. It was a small token from the company and an example of why we switched our business over to them.

Take a look!

Friday, December 15, 2006

Taking a Break

I am fried... and I need a break...

You wouldn't have know it by this thing, but I basically took off almost all of last week sick...

Give me a couple of days... or one...

You never know.

Survivor Redux

So... Parvati got booted last night which means that I have 4 of the final 5 players going into the final episode.

Sundra is my only possible loser...

I cannot see her winning, but I have been surprised by a lot of more surprising things.

I can only wonder what is going to happen on Thursday... the Aitu4 seem to be perfectly aligned so how wil lthey get down to a final 3 (assuming that Adam is the next boot...?

Boot Ozzy? -- Nah... he probably wins the rest of the challenges.
Boot Yul? -- Nah... he's got the immunity idol...
Boot Becky? -- Nah... she's got Yul wrapped around her finger...
Boot Sundra? -- Nah... no one knows who she is...

I have an idea of how it happens... but I don't want to ruin it for anyone... if you are curious... just shoot me an email and I'll let you know my theory.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Survivor Cook Islands -- Two More Shows

Holy smoly.... TV Guide released some new information this week about the finale of the 13th season of Survivor -- It is going to have THREE FINALISTS.

That's right... 9 jurors (two more than usual) and 3 finalists... It should make for some really catty and interesting speeches this Sunday night.

That's right... It's on Sunday night after tonight's final regular season episode.

The season has been on the slow side this year in terms of storyline and ratings, but I stille njoy the show -- simply for the interaction of human beings. I still don't ultimately think the show is about winning a $1,000,000 but more about watching what people will do to win it. All human interaction.

I am rooting for a Yul, Ozzy, and Becky final so I don't have to worry about my game... with the Aaassshhhhfffaaauuullltttt fellas.

Thank you Mark Burnett for another decent seasons. Rumor has it that you only have one more season signed up... as much as I love the show... may I recommend that you quit while you are ahead and not sign up for more?

Just a thought.



Reminder -- (The number in parenthesis represents the position in the draft they were chosen.)

Adam (1)
Yul (4)
Becky (8)
Ozzy (Oscar) (9)
Candice (13) -- BOOTED WEEK ELEVEN
Rebecca (17) -- BOOTED WEEK NINE
Sekou (16) -- BOOTED WEEK ONE
Side Bet
Caucasian Americans -- 2 Left
African Americans -- 1 Left

Sundra (3)
Parvati (15)
Jonathan (11) -- BOOTED WEEK TWELVE
Nathan (6) -- BOOTED WEEK TEN
Jessica (14) -- BOOTED WEEK SEVEN
Anh-Tuah (Cao Boi) (7) -- BOOTED WEEK SIX
Christina (10) -- BOOTED WEEK SIX
Stephanie (18) -- BOOTED WEEK FIVE
Cecilia (2) -- BOOTED WEEK THREE
Billy (19) -- BOOTED WEEK TWO
Side Bet
Hispanic Americans -- 1 Left
Asian Americans -- 2 Left

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

The L Word

Anyone ever heard of The L Word?

It's a show on Showtime that follows around a close knit group of lesbians in Los Angeles and it has totally and completely warped my view of lesbians.

Essentially... the show is a Hollywood incarnation of the lesbian world. The actresses on the show are gorgeous and they do "fun" things and interact with each other as regular people.

Yes... I have always known that lesbians are just like everyone else in how they act and treat each other. I have never had a horrible thought about them as I am a pretty liberal person on that front in that whatever you want to do is fine by me...

But the L Word has ruined my view of lesbians... completely...

So much so that muh wife and I were watching something else on a different show and all I could think... hey... that's not like the lesbians on The L Word... it can't be true.

Mwah ha ha ha ha ha....

Who cares about anything I just wrote... I just wanted to see how many times I could type the word lesbian.

I am such an immature putz sometimes....

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Valet Parking ... Evil?

The holiday season has meant that there has been a great deal of interesting trips and parties to go to. I have had a series of meetings and trips to the city where I have had to park my car in garages.

I hate doing this. I really do.

I don't care so much that I have to park it in a garage persay, but I hate the idea that someone else has access to my car.

I feel somewhat on the vulnerable side when I hand the keys over to the valet. I think it goes back to an old 20/20 episode I saw years before I really attended something like this.

The 20/20 crew went to a party and showed just how vulnerable you are... it is more than the car... There is probably some sort of paper in your car with the address on it... AND... most people give their entire set of keys to the valet. At that point... they now have access to your house... So the 20/20 crew went to the people's house and took pictures to the unsuspecting participants...

That freaked me out then and it still freaks me out today...

That's why I hate valetting a car or parking in a garage. I think muh wife wonders about me sometimes... since I seem to do whatever I can to avoid valet parking...

Monday, December 11, 2006

Book 56 of 26 -- Capital Crimes by the Kellermans

Jonathan and Faye Kellerman are a married couple who are each famous writers in their own rights. They are both exceptional mystery writers and should be read for their good writing (unlike my blog writing...)

However... when they write "together"... I can't stand it at all...

Their latest is Capital Crimes and I wanted to shoot myself in the head while reading this. They tried to sugarcoat the whole thing by brining in some of their more recognizable characters for cameos, but the fact of the matter is that it is a tough read no matter how you cut it.

I think I really need to take a break from reading... as the last couple (save Nelson DeMille's book) have been struggles....

Sunday, December 10, 2006

I'm a Yankee Hypocrite

I like Andy Pettite a lot... and I am glad he is coming back to NY.

I don't like old guys being "bought" by the Yankees...when I would prefer they develop young talent... but this one... I like... so ... ultimately... I am a hypocrite...

Oh well... Welcome back Andy.

Saturday, December 09, 2006

The Perfect Husband -- A Joke

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen...

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2006 models. I saw one I really liked"

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. If it's really a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape...

He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?..."

Friday, December 08, 2006

Death Pool 2007

Ok... Ok... It isn't right.. but..

.... my friend and I run a Death Pool. That's right... you pick celebrities and if you get the most amount of points by the end of the year... you win... This year's first prize is worth almost 600 beans but we would love to see many more people participate thus ensuring a much higher first prize. I have posted the rules below for your benefit. Feel free to enter... as many times as you want... each entry will cost ya 20 beans.

ANYONE CAN ENTER! Even if I don't know you... you just need to be very clear about your contact information!



Welcome to the official 2007 Celebrity Death Pool game! For those of you that are new to the concept, it is our time to take back from the celebrities and famous people out there that do nothing but take our money, sweat and tears as we buy their music, watch their games, read about them in the paper, or purchase their movie tickets. The object of the game is simple – Be the contestant at 12:00 Midnight Eastern Standard Time (EST) on December 31, 2007 to have accumulated the most amount of points. How easy is that?

Let's Get Started -- Think long and hard about the current health or possible health of our society’s famous folks. They can be from any forum. They can be athletes, entertainers, politicians, writers or just folks who are famous for being… famous. They can be from any continent. The main criteria is that someone else can identify who they are by name only and their death will be reported in a published account. Choose the 20 of these famous people that you think will die in the year 2007 and write their names in a list.

Entry Fee – The Entry Fee is nominal. (20 "beans" per entry. You can enter as many times as you want. It is just going to cost you 20 beans per entry.)

Point Structure – The Point Structure is simple, and it remains the most exciting way of scoring the game. Points are determined by beginning with a 100 base point system. The age of the deceased celebrity will be deducted from the base score of 100 and a final number will be achieved. For example, if Britney Spears were to die on January 6, 2007, she would be worth 74 points. 100 base points MINUS 26 years old = 74 points.

Prize Breakdown – The most important part of this game is the prize! The total prize will be determined by how many people enter and dollar values will be determined from the following percentages: First Place will receive 80% of the money and Second Place will receive 20% of the money.

Tie Breakers – In case of a tie, there will be a tiebreaker -- whoever has chosen the most amounts of deceased celebrities. If two players tie for first with the same players, they will split the entire pot. If two players still tie for second, they will split the second place pot.

The league will have a website that will be updated on a periodical basis. It will contain team choices and as many updates as we can of those that have deceased. The web address is: Feel free to visit the website now to see how the current year is going.

The official length of the contest will run from Monday, January 1, 2007 between 00:00:01 EST (12:00 AM plus one second on January 1, 2006) and 23:59:59 EST Monday, December 31, 2007 (11:59 PM plus 59 seconds)

All submissions must be received or postmarked by Sunday, December 31, 2006 at 23:59:59 EST. They must be sent to my normal email address, my email account, or mailed to me at my home. Feel free to email me for that information.

Also check the website... there might be the opportunity to submit your picks online. The important fact is that we need the money by January 15, 2007 or your submission doesn't count. Payments can be cash, check or paypal.

Good Luck

Thursday, December 07, 2006

People Watching is Fun

One of my favorite things to do is watch people -- mostly those I do not know. I like to watch people go about their normal activities and act as though the odd things they are doing are in fact, normal. ( I may even make this a regular I love watching people and their idiosyncracies....)

I just seem to have seen so many "odd" people recently that I feel that I need to share with you some of the totally insane things I have seen. I can sit back and notice people and they really have no idea of how much they are entertaining me.

1. I was walking down my block when I saw a woman running. She was in her workout clothes and seemed to have worked up a good sweat. When she passed me, I noticed that she had on a telephone head set and was talking about some sort of transaction. That was the ultimate I have seen in saving time. She was working and working out. What a combination!

2. At the gym, I watched a gentleman completely disrespect the free towels that you are handed when you walk in the door. When you are finished working out, you return the towels and the gym will wash them and redistribute them to future people. I watched a guy completely jam it up his nose and blow all of the contents onto the towel. He then took said towel and tossed it into the "to be washed" container. Disgusting.

3. At the barber, I listened to my barber and a lawyer in town discuss the merits of a particular woman's breasts. The problem was... the woman they were discussing was in the barbershop. It made me cringe... yet they really think the woman had no idea... as do I or I would think she would have left.... or ....... maybe not.

You gotta know folks like these... what other wacky nut jobs have you seen?

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Congratulations to Steakbellie

I happened to be in the area and listening in the car.


Good luck in Wing Bowl!

Three Reasons I Love Muh Wife

We were watching My Name is Earl and there was a scene where Earl is making 247 bologna sandwiches for some people he offended years ago. Muh wife cringed with a loud..."EWWWW" when she saw that he had laid out a bunch of the bread on a hotel bedspread. She is so predictable.

She appeases me when I get upset about certain movie castings. One of the most upsetting rumors I have heard in awhile is that they are remaking Evil Dead -- simply one of the best horror movies of all time. That isn't as upsetting as the rumor that pretty boy stupid face Ashton Kutcher will be playing the lead. I read this and screamed in agony like the guy at the end of Planet of the Apes. Muh wife looked at me... asked me what was wrong... let me tell her...smiled... and said something to the effect of... "It'll be alright honey..." Thank you.

We were listening to the Rutgers/WVU game on the radion on the way home from a family event. Every single time the announcer said the word "penetration" I heard a giggle come from my wife. Apparently... that word is one of the few words that evokes a reaction such as that from muh wife...turning her into the 9 year old boy she can be.

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Top Five Tuesday Guest Appearance

Why... why Smelmooo? Why bring out Top Five Tuesday randomly today?

I have no idea...

Top Five Uses for Leftover Turkey
1. Doorstop
2. Petrify it and use it as a weapon against unwanted intruders.
3. Turkey soup! -- Find a bone... go to bed early...
4. FOOTBALL!!!! Remember to have at least one "girl" play.
5. Cat food -- Special cat food... with arsenic... to keep that DAMN random cat out of our damn yard!

Top Five Things You Shouldn't Say at Thanksgiving With the Family
1. What is this? (Pointing at the food on the table.)
2. Ok... ummm.... tell me again...why do I care about you people?
3. Come here sis... give me a BIIIIG ole kiss.
4. !$$$%?@@)%#%#$?
5. Sperm (This is especially inappropriate when you just blurt it out after scooping mashed potatoes.)

Top Five Things You Shouldn't Say at Your In-Laws Thanksgiving Dinner
1. We've gotta go home... trying to make twins.
2. Your daughter is the best cook in the world... if you count people who never actually turn on the stove.
3. Why didn't you tell me she does that in the bathroom when I asked you if I could marry her? I would have reconsidered!!!
4. When I signed up for this detail... no one told me that "dish washing" was going to be involved.
5. I need a beer. Go get me one...

Top Five Ways to Make Yams More A"peeling"
1. Add brown sugar.
2. Market them with those "twins."
3. Sell "pictures" of them to Playboy magazine. Everyone loves a good pair of yams.
4. Make jokes about them in the Smelmooo's blog.
5. Eat them... on national t.v.... in front of a live studio audience... in muh pajamas....while throwing confetti on a pair of puppies. (I went into a weird zone there...)

Top Five Inappropriate Things I Feel Like Doing In Public Sometimes (JUST FOR LAUGHS -- NOT BECAUSE I LIKE DOING THEM!)
1. Say "masturbation" in every single sentence. Proper term but still makes people cringe.
2. Pour sodas on people's shoes.
3. Eat with my mouth open... a cottage cheese and apple sauce mixture would be best....
4. Sing Christmas carols in July....
5. Stand in the middle of the mall and scream... "Where's my mommy!!! I CAN'T FIND MY MOMMYYY!!!!!"

Monday, December 04, 2006

Rutgers' Regular Season Comes to an End -- One More Game to Go

I am a Yankees fan, a Raiders fan, and a Rutgers fan. Those are the three teams that mean something to me.

During the baseball season, I will check out the scores of a Yankee game on the computer and I am almost always aware of where they stand in terms of injuries and supporting staff. I don't get emotionally invested, but I really enjoy rooting for them and against the Boston Red Sox. It's inherent to me.

During the football season, I am so used to the Raiders sucking that I don't get surprised or hurt when they lose. I have recently seen the heartbreak that is Giants' fans watching their team hit the shitter in what should have been a very promising year... but... I don't get emotionally involved... except when I was at a Raiders game in Oakland this year.

During the college football season, I was so used to Rutgers just absolutely sucking rotten eggs and being the joke of the NCAA football world that I just shake my head every time I watched one of their games.

This year was different. There was excitement and glory and energy. I loved going to the games for this excitement and fun. I have never had this much fun at anythign Rutgers related since Rutgers beat a top ranked Temple at the RAC in a basketball game in the mid 90s. It has been an emotional roller coaster ride.

This year... I got emotionally invested.

I waited a couple of days to write this but Saturday night was pretty rough on me. It was like being dumped by a girl I really loved (don't think about it Tangent Woman!). So many different emotions all at once... and all involved sadness in one way or another.

Now... after an amazing season and the most awesome game of the program's experience against Louisville, they are relegated to the Texas Bowl. Plane tickets are currently over $400 a person and it doesn't look like something I want to go to right now.

We shall see in the upcoming week what we shall do... but I can tell you one thing...

I was proud of Rutgers on Saturday night. They were supposed to get creamed. They were supposed to be embarrassed. They played hard and literally lost by inches.

Congrats muh Rutgers Scarlet Knights... Congrats and good luck in 4 weeks!

Sunday, December 03, 2006

Italian Bread

Two old guys, one 70 and one 67, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.

The 67-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 70-year-old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 67-year-old said; "Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 70-year-old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.

He said, "Do you have any Italian bread?" She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves."

She said, "My goodness, 5 the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard!"

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this Italian bread thing but me."

Saturday, December 02, 2006

So Sorry...

... just make this face at anyone that you have done wrong to... and they HAVE to forgive you... Just have to...

Friday, December 01, 2006

Everyone Loves a Parade?

Do you see the Question Mark in that title?

I do... I put it there on purpose. I forget that not everyone likes parades. I am firmly in the camp of those that love parades. I am not entirely sure why I love them, but every time that I see there is a parade in my town, I actually get excited.

It is the same damn thing over and over again.

We get:

Firetrucks with really loud and annoying sirens

Bagpipe bands with really loud and annoying bagpipes
Whining kids on floats
Really crappy costumes in convertibles

Antique cars
150 Boy and Girl Scout Troops

There is no variety with these things ever... yet... I love sitting my fat ass on the street with muh wife and dog and looking at all the people.

This year... we went to the Winter Festival Parade after Thanksgiving and we saw the same parade again... on an absolutely gorgeous day.

But here it comes to this... I don't know why... but I expect muh wife to be excited by it because I am. She never is and it seems to run through her family too. So she comes along and smiles at me and my unexplained excitement for parades.

She and Tucker are such good sports.

Thursday, November 30, 2006

Happy Birfday Fag Boy T


Mark Burnett has thrown yet another loop into the game by introducing the larger jury component this year. It isn't that big of a deal, but makes for a pair of wild cards when two people were booted who didn't realize they were going to be jury members. Neither did the people voting them out...and they weren't "massaged" as well as normal people who get booted for the jury.

Thoughts about the last eight players.

Yul -- I want him to win. There is always a player who I want to win.. and he is that guy. It doesn't matter what team he is on. How can you not root for this huge nerd? The pole contest proved it and I think my wife would leave me for smart and funny and I wouldn't be surprised if he was like Tom Westman and was the winner just because everyone loved him...
Becky -- She is finally speaking on camera. That was my indicator that she would be going deep into the game. She didn't really exist.
Parvati -- She remains gorgeous and will be picked off in the next few weeks.
Jonathan -- What a douche bag. He has no chance of winning and this week's episode looks like it was be a bash Jonathan episode. I can't wait.
Ozzy -- He was on the radar a lot at the beginning of the season and then disappeared. My guess is that he will win a few more individual immunities and with Yul having his immunity, the game willb e dominated by that tribe.
Adam -- I want to say soemthing, but he's getting voted off this week... at least that's my guess.
Candace -- Just as boring... she smooched Adam after Adam puked and hasn't brushed his teeth in weeks. Where was this girl when I was in college.
Sundra -- Who's that?

Dumb and early prediction of boot order.

Adam, Candace, Parvati, Jonathan, Becky, Sundra, Ozzy, and Yul.

I am torn on the final four... I don't know how to really rank them.


Reminder -- (The number in parenthesis represents the position in the draft they were chosen.)

Adam (1)
Yul (4)
Becky (8)
Ozzy (Oscar) (9)
Candice (13)
Rebecca (17) -- BOOTED WEEK NINE
Sekou (16) -- BOOTED WEEK ONE
Side Bet
Caucasian Americans -- 4 Left
African Americans -- 1 Left

Sundra (3)
Jonathan (11)
Parvati (15)
Nathan (6) -- BOOTED WEEK TEN
Jessica (14) -- BOOTED WEEK SEVEN
Anh-Tuah (Cao Boi) (7) -- BOOTED WEEK SIX
Christina (10) -- BOOTED WEEK SIX
Stephanie (18) -- BOOTED WEEK FIVE
Cecilia (2) -- BOOTED WEEK THREE
Billy (19) -- BOOTED WEEK TWO
Side Bet
Hispanic Americans -- 1 Left
Asian Americans -- 2 Left

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Book 55 of 26 -- Nelson DeMille's Wild Fire

Nelson DeMille made a career writing thoroughly entertaining Cold War spy novels. When the Cold War ended, DeMille was able to adapt his wwriting very well by incorporating other true stories into fictionalized accounts. This was best seen by his book Night Fall -- a story focussing on the July 17, 1996, TWA Flight 800 crash.

Wild Fire is a return to the spook and scare of the Cold War period. It follows a conspiracy within the United States government to set off two nuclear devices in two major American cities.

Why?-- you may ask... Well, to set off a program entitled Wild Fire. Real or not, DeMille has created a scary prospect. The United States actively tells terrorists around the world that if ANY group takes any action, there are 230 nuclear warheads aimed at all suspected terror spots.

What better way to engage this "Mutually Assured Destruction" than to set off a bomb in your own country?

The smart ass protagonist and his wife FBI agent work together to stop or not stop the attack.

It is an easy ready that falls victim to too much detail every once in awhile, but that's fine -- especially since the story gets really good in the middle.

500 pages of milky goodness. I liked this book a whole bunch.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Getting THE Call...

Muh wife and I went on a short trip recently where we had to put Tucker into the dog resort.

When we check him in, we always fill out a sheet that lists what we are dropping off and an emergency contact. 99% of the time, the emergency contact is me. I figure that I will take the call and locate someone who can help out. It's better to be the clearinghouse since we know the strengths and weaknesses of most of our key contacts.

So late in the day on the night he is actually sleeping over, we come out of a movie in New York City when we see on my phone that resort had left me a message.

This left us upset and with a pit in our stomach. In all of his stays, they have never called us about anything. We immediately got concerned and rushed out of the theater.

After fumbling for a bit, we heard that the message was about something benign that didn't have to do with his well being at all. I was gut wrenching there for a little bit.

If that didn't prove to us just how much we love the furry little fella, I don't know what will.

We then got into a discussion about what would have had to have been wrong for us to cut the trip short. Dying? Breaking a leg? Losing a toe? what?

We decided to not think about it or talk about it any more than we had to.

Monday, November 27, 2006

Rating the Bond Movies and Bonds

So muh wife and I went to see the new Bond film this weekend. Before we get too deep into this blog, I am going to say this quickly.... so make no mistakes abotu how I feel about it. This ... is ... one of the BEST Bond films of all time.

Side Note -- Yes... it isn't perfect and is a bit on the long side, but I love the "introduction" of the Bond character as we see Craig handle it beautifully turning Bond from a cartoon into a likable smart ass. Daniel Craig is fantastic.

I have been having lots of Bond movie discussions with people this week and I noticed that there appear to be two ways to rate the Bond movies -- by the movies themselves and how they are played by individual actors. I must state that each actor brings a different type of movie so you can still lump all of a particular actor's movies into one group. I think you will see what I mean in a second.

Bond as played by the actors.

1. Sean Connery -- He was the first and will probably always be the best. He was handsome and charming and I enjoyed his quips. His best film was Goldfinger by far.

2. Daniel Craig -- A few people will give me crap, but I thought he handled the role perfectly, bringing the unsure Bond through a series of failures until he came into his own during the torture scene. This may change after his next movie, but he stands firmly in number 2 to me.

3. George Lazenby -- Too bad he only got one movie. The only movie where Bond gets married and shows a whole different side of his personality until the Craig character.

4. Roger Moore -- He lightened up the character quite a bit and I enjoyed it immensely.

5. Pierce Brosnan -- He carried the role through the 90s and early 21st century. The best I could say about his version of Bond was that he didn't die.

6. Timothy Dalton -- I still feel bad for him. He got the role at completley the wrong time and was given a P.C. Bond. It made it impossible to be good.

Bond as a reflection of society?

1. Sean Connery -- What a classic and still rules the top.

2. George Lazenby -- The world needed a more sensitive Bond and Lazenby offered it up as he kicked Telly Savalas' ass.

3. Daniel Craig -- I didn't write much for Connery because I wanted to save these comments for Craig's movie. What made Bond great in the beginning was that his "kills" were personal. He focussed his energies on individuals and this was a nice return to that practice.

4. Roger Moore -- He was a world traveller with a sense of humor. It was a lot of fun.

5. Timothy Dalton -- A P.C. Bond? blech...

6. Pierce Brosnan -- Yes... I think his movies were the worst of the series... they were great for special effects and mass murders (How can we forget the North Korea scenes.... ???? ), but that was it. They were empty and stupid in the long run. Who really gave a shit at all? Not me.

I know a few will disagree. I would love to hear how you honestly feel and not just naysaying....

Sunday, November 26, 2006

A Guy Thing

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn't mention this to him,and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe,this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father my children?"

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot,steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.

The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?"

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says: "Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf."

Saturday, November 25, 2006

Rutgers Versus Syracuse

I was too upset last week to address the shit football that RU played ruining a possible undefeated season... it was such a low point after the extreme high I (we) was/were on....

Thank god I went to the game today to see the game...

It was a great game for the RU side...and I know a few of the Syracuse fans were upset by that last touchdown by Brian Leonard instad of sitting on the ball, but it was good to see him break the RU record at home in his last home game.

The picture above says it all for me.

Friday, November 24, 2006

Funny Joke

I am not sure why this is so funny to me... but it is such a basic and silly joke that it cracks me up.


Are You Male or Female ????????

To find the answer, look down -

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

































Not here, Stupid.

Thursday, November 23, 2006

Happy Thanksgiving... NOW LAUGH JACKASSES!!!

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."

She looked down at his shoes and said: "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Happy Birfday Mr. B

You don't look a day over 22.

Fooling Me Completely...

I was at a convention recently and I stayed in yet another hotel. I dragged my carry on suitcase up to the front desk and I couldn't believe that I had to sleep in yet another room that wasn't my own.

I was thinking ahead about what I had to do once I got to my room that included checking the pillows and following up on work emails when I told the woman at the front desk that I was ready to check in.

I went through the entire process of giving up my name and credit card information. She handed me my pass card to get into the room and stopped speaking for a second.

That got my attention and I looked up from the sheet I was reading as this was a unique moment...

That forced me to pay attention to the woman... when I realized... she wasn't a woman. I don't know if it was a tranvestite or a transexual or somewhere in between, but it was a surprise to me.

I am always surprised when I am fooled for a little while by one of these folks. I don't give a poo about their lifestyles, but it always amazes me when I am surprised....

"Blah blah blah Smelmoooo... "

Exactly my loyal reader... exactly...

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Watching Comic Relief 2006 -- Boring Reflections

One of my favorite memories growing up was watching Comic Relief every year... yeah... I was a tool, but I loved watching Stand Up comedy whenever I could. I used to watch the Comedy Channel -- that's right... Comedy Channel... not Comedy Central all the time.

Comic Relief used to be a mixture of two things -- a blend of established famous comics that didn't do too much public performing and new comics that no one had heard of. I enjoyed the show because I was able to see these new comics and old perform.

This year's Comic Relief was no different. It was a 4 hour show that featured a mix of comics -- mostly old -- that were trying to raise money for Hurricane Katrina victims. I taped it and watched it mostly on fast forward.

I was surprised to see that my favorite comedian was actually Rosie O'Donnell. It seems as though she hasn't really lost her touch when it comes to performing... That's right folks... I am admitting it here... she was hilarious.

In fact... she used to host a stand up show on VH1 that made the careers of many young comedians.

I was bored by Robin Williams and Billy Crystal, but Lewis Black and George Lopez were fantastic.

(Side note -- George Lopez is NOT the father of Mario Lopez.... )

Good times for myself and how I made the entire 4 hour show finish up in 1 hour and 15 minutes is beyond me.

Monday, November 20, 2006

Evil Dead -- The Musical... NO REALLY!!! READ THIS!!!!

For my birfday, muh lovely wife and I attended a performance of Evil Dead The Musical with a pair of friends.

It is an Off Broadway show that has been receiving some decent reviews across the nation and finally just opened in New York City a couple of weeks ago.

It is based upon my favorite series of horror flicks (Evil Dead, Evil Dead 2, and Army of Darkness) by loosely combining the plots of the first two and makes lots of silly references to the third flick.

The musical is a comedy. There is nothing scary about it and it is really a laugh riot. They make fun of the horror genre by essentially skewering the entire genre. You don't need to know the movies at all to enjoy it... the best person to confirm this is muh lovely wife who begrudgingly went but was entertained enough by my excitement alone.

Once the first few minutes were in the book and the audience understood that the show was going to be a huge joke, she enjoyed it thoroughly. I want to describe this show better, but I can't. It is pure fun and schlock.

I would really hate to be the clean up crew as the cast goes through gallons and gallons and GALLONS of fake blood in one of the most inspired final "battle" scenes ever...

I say gallons because they pour the blood out of their wounds in some extremely funny ways... So much blood comes out that they give the first four rows plastic parkas to protect them from the blood that lands in the "Splatter Zone."

Thank you wife and thank you friends for a fantastic time at a fantastic show.... Please add more Tangent Woman and more if you can... I can't do this show the justice it deserves!

Sunday, November 19, 2006

Happy Birfday to Me

I am 33.

Hooray for me.

I ate a tree.

Rhyme like Steakbellie...

Saturday, November 18, 2006

Top 29 random facts about Jack Bauer

I know 24 starts in a few months... actually 2 ish... but I can't wait... here's something to satisfy your needs.

1.If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.
2.Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
3.If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.
4. Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.
5. Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.
6. Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.
7. Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
8. 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
9. If Jack says "I just want to talk to him/her" and that him/her is you....well amigo, you're screwed.
10.Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
11. Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
12.If you get 7 stars on your wanted level on Grand Theft Auto, Jack Bauer comes after you. You don't want to get 7 stars.
13.When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.
14. Jack Bauer does not sleep. The only rest he needs is what he gets when he's knocked out or temporarily killed.
15. Jack Bauer has no problem following orders, unless you tell him to do something he doesn't want to.
16. Jack Bauer's gun is actually a water pistol, but the water shoots out in the form of bullets. Why? Because the gun is being held by Jack freakin' Bauer.
17. Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.
18. As a child, Jack Bauer's first words were "There's no time!"
19. While being 'put under' in the hospital, Jack Bauer can count backwards from 100 every time. This annoys the doctors.
20. Jack Bauer can watch all 4 seasons of 24 in 24 hours.
21. Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.
22. Jack Bauer's family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once.
23 Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.
24. Everytime Jack Bauer yells "NOW!" at the end of a sentence, a terrorist dies.
25. If Jack's starring at someone and his eye twitches, assume that person has less than 15 minutes to live.
26. When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer freakin' hates lemonade.
27.Guns dont kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.
28.David Spade always says 'yes' to Jack Bauer when he wants to redeem his credit card miles.
29.Don't ask what Jack Bauer would do for a Klondike bar

Friday, November 17, 2006

Daniel Craig -- AWESOME

I am very excited that there are only excellent reviews for Daniel Craig as James Bond. He is a great actor and I was getting tired of listening to all the haters.

I will definitely be seeing this one...

69 -- Scarring Me For Life

I recently went to a Giants game at the Meadowlands... and I was reminded of just how frigging funny the number "69" is and how I learned about the meaning of the word.

At the game, the referee kept announcing that "69 has checked in as an eligible receiver" and that cracked the audience up. They cheered for that every time the referee made the announcement. Even I giggled at the audience's sheer excitement.

When I was about 10 or 11, I was sent to basketball camp and as a means of identification, we were all given a number.

You may have already guessed it, but I was number 69. For two days, I played basketball and had no idea what the damn number meant and for two days, there were kids giggling every time my number was announced.

I wasn't as big of a dork as I am I now as I was back then so I couldn't figure out what it was that I actually did... so I went home and asked my mother what the number meant.

I don't remember the converstation with her very well, but I don't think I got the answer I was desperately seeking because I ended up asking one of the giggling kids who explained it all to me...

You couldn't imagine the relief I felt when I learned what it was... they weren't laughing at me.. they were laughing at the number itself... what a relief!

Not too much longer after that, I experienced one of the greatest movies of all time Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure and it featured one of the best lines in American movies today...

Ted: OK wait. If you guys are really us, what number are we thinking of?
Bill, Ted: 69, dudes.
Bill, Ted: Whoa.

It's funny how much that line permeates my vernacular... and muh wifes... If I said the first line, I guarantee that muh wife would say 69... Truly funny.

The number is a funny number and if for some reason you have access to a computer and read this blog and still don't know what 69 means... I have one suggestion for you... Go ask your mother.

Thursday, November 16, 2006


Survivor Cook Islands continues to chug along and one of the main reasons for me to watch this is the contest with ASSSHHHFFAAAUUULLLTTT since it isn't the most exciting season.

Part of the reason for that is that the people on the show are all really nice people. I like them and would want to be friends with most of them.

Yul is smart and funny and I wouldn't be surprised if he was like Tom Westman and was the winner just because everyone loved him...
Becky is cute, smart and seems personable.
Parvati is oviously aware of how hot she is, but seems down to earth enough to respect her. She tries harder than most of the women in the challenges... bar none.
Jonathan is a bit of a schemer but I think if there were more "bad" people on the show, he could be editted in a nicer way.
Nathan is turning into a top notch narrator and even cracks me up...
Ozzy is a bit of a loosy goosy, but he is pretty quiet in the long run...
I guess you could say that the biggest jerk on the show might be Adam... but he isn't that bad.

So I guess what I am saying is that they shouldn't vote off colorful people until the end.. since they make the show that much more interesting.

Oh yeah... and one more thing... Jeff CONTINUES to wear the dumbest hats...


Reminder -- (The number in parenthesis represents the position in the draft they were chosen.)

Adam (1)
Yul (4)
Jenny (5)
Becky (8)
Ozzy (Oscar) (9)
Candice (13)
Rebecca (17)
Sekou (16) -- BOOTED WEEK ONE
Side Bet
Caucasian Americans -- 4 Left
African Americans -- 3 Left

Sundra (3)
Nathan (6)
Jonathan (11)
Parvati (15)
Jessica (14) -- BOOTED WEEK SEVEN
Anh-Tuah (Cao Boi) (7) -- BOOTED WEEK SIX
Christina (10) -- BOOTED WEEK SIX
Stephanie (18) -- BOOTED WEEK FIVE
Cecilia (2) -- BOOTED WEEK THREE
Billy (19) -- BOOTED WEEK TWO
Side Bet
Hispanic Americans -- 1 Left
Asian Americans -- 3 Left

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Work Trip

I am on a work trip today... so nothing too much... unless I feel frisky with the Blackberry.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Guilty Pleasure

Alright... I admit it... when I am really, really, really bored, I like to go into YouTube and look up the trick pool shots.

Some of those are really awesome and I am really jealous of them.

Three Word Movie Reviews


Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Volume 2) -- I Pissed Muhself.

Aqua Teen Hunger Force (Volume 4) -- I Pissed Again...

The Dead Zone (Season 3) -- Deeper Than Two

District B-13 -- Fast-paced, Energetic Funness

Faster Pussycat! Kill! Kill! -- Obscene, Witty... Awesome

Fat Actress -- Heavy, Weighty.... Different

Feast -- Visually Incredible... Fun

Goal! -- Surprisingly.... a GOAL!!!!

K Street: The Complete Series -- Good.... and.... bad....

Keeping Up With the Steins -- Piven Fans! AVOID!!!!

Little Man -- Not Entirely Horrible

Mini's First Time -- Inappropriately marketed...decent-ish

Mission Impossible 3 -- Not Series Best...

Monster House -- Kids?... no!!... Good

My Bodyguard -- Protect My Favorite

Nacho Libre -- Mexican Napoleon Dynamite

The Omen (2006) -- Same Film, Prettier

The Office (Season 2) -- Worth Watching Again...

Over the Hedge -- Cute Harmless Flick

Oz (Season 4) -- Long, Interesting Soapy....

Rest Stop -- Stupid yet... stupid...

Running Scared -- Surprisingly Really Awesome

Saw III -- Excellent.... Frustrating Ending

Shaun of the Dead -- Best Parody Ever

Slither -- Gory and Fun

Tsotsi -- Fabulous, Phenomenal, Tremendous

Monday, November 13, 2006

Barenaked Ladies at Radio City Music Hall

Muh wife and I recently headed into the city for an evening of fun and games with another couple friend of ours.

The primary goal of the night was to see the Barenaked Ladies perform at Radio City Music Hall.

I have seen two shows now at Radio City Music Hall and neither of them were the Christmas Spectacular. The shows were two completely different kinds of bands and both seemed out of place for the elegant concert venue.

The Smashing Pumpkins in 1997 and Barenaked Ladies in 2006.

For a formerly avid concert goer, I am always impressed by the venue that is Radio City Music Hall. The staff is attentive and well groomed. The floors are clean and bathrooms are phenomenal. Simply put, it is a class act so why the heck is it the host of rock bands -- goofy or grunge?

Standing -- At most concerts, as soon as main act comes out, the audience generally stands for the majority of the concert. At Radio City Music Hall, the audience all stayed seated in the big plush, comfortable seats for the entire concert. I actually appreciated this more than I thought I would... I guess it is a product of getting older. During the final encore of the Barenaked Ladies show, however, I got annoyed at the guy in front of me who decided to be the only one of the 15,000 attendees who wanted to stand and dance. Weird switch for me and I guess I am getting old.

Falsetto Singing -- One of the best parts about going to any concert of a band that you really like is singing along with the band. You know the words and you feel comfortable enough to sing with them. The Barenaked Ladies' music is fun and easy to sing along with... but they often hit notes that unaccomplished singers should never try. One of those notes is during "Brian Wilson" where they hit a few really high pitched notes at once. There really is something to be said about an entire venue who all try to hit that note at once. "Ooof!"

A and Grade 9 -- Bands often get caught up with playing the new music and forget about the music that made them famous. It was a pleasure last year during the U2 concert to hear them pull out two really obscure and old songs for their show. It was equally pleasing to hear the Barenaked Ladies pull out A and Grade 9. Both are fun songs and we had a blast.

It was a good night out.

Sunday, November 12, 2006







Saturday, November 11, 2006

Has anyone heard?

Rutgers is 9-0 and beat the #3 team in the country...

I couldn't get all the pictures I wanted to go up on Blogger... so here are a couple more...

I took these...

Friday, November 10, 2006


What a game... what a night... I have waited 14 years for a night like last night and it was truly an amazing night... My alma mater shut up a lot of critics last night (half of which I work with-ish.) That does not include you Mr. Artie Lange... you have been "believing" for awhile now...

I am not sure why... but I am still super psyched about it all and I am not sure what to say except it was an incredible experience to be in the stadium as RU made that final drive after completely shutting down Louisville in the second half.

Overall... aside from a couple plays that turned out to be big plays... Rutgers actually dominated the Louisville offense.

There was a lot of talk on the radio on the way home and on Sportscenter this morning about where Rutgers should actually be in the BCS rankings after this game...including a few that think they should be considered for the Championship game now if they win it out....

It is a bit of a stretch, but Rutgers did just beat a top 5 team, they destroyed an Illinois team that gave Ohio State a heart attack, they beat Navy worse than Notre Dame beat them, they went into a sold out Heinz field and trampled on a Pitt team that at the time was ranked one spot out of the top 25 and heralded the #1 quarterback in passing efficiency. They made Tyler Palko look silly and when it came to crunch time in the Louisville game they made Brian Brohm look silly.

It seems as if people don't give Rutgers the respect they deserve because they are a "cinderella team" and they don't want them to buck "tradition". Tradition that teams like Florida, USC, Notre Dame, Michigan, etc. are the only teams that should play in a championship game and when relatively recently good teams like UWV, Louisville, and Rutgers start winning games it's assumed that they will never stand a chance against those teams with such a long history of winning. It's as if people think there's no room for these teams among the perennial powerhouses but I will say this....they should move over and make some room cause these big east teams are coming.

And with that... I leave you... still jumping for joy.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Book 54 of 26 -- The Ha-Ha by David King

So... Can someone help me understand why I read an entire book about a man who can't even communicate with the outside world and he spends the good majority of the book expressing his frustrations?


The Ha Ha is a very well written book. That's why.

It is uneventful yet really interesting.

It is a good first book by David King and I hope he takes himself less seriously from now on though.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Riding the Train to DC One Weekday Morning

I recently rode the AMTRAK train down to DC for a work event... and I had a few minutes to I typed this stuff.

Metropark Train Station -- THe parking garage at the Metropark Train Station is an amazingly designed building. I wanted to park my car for a couple days and I needed to find a spot. I drove the pattern of the garage which involved a lot of turns and ramps and bumps and more turns. I kid you not, but I was driving around for 15 minutes when I finally found a space. That doesn't bother me. It should be expected at 8:30 in the morning. I was most surprised that after all that driving, I was only on the fifth floor. The bulding is seven stories high. Boring story... but I am still amazed.

Philadelphia is a popular place for people to get off the train at 9:00 a.m. on Wednesday in October. When I got on in Metropark, the train was pretty darn full, but when the train got to Philadelphia, people got off -- at least 2/3 of them. It freed up my next door neighbor's seat and I am glad to be able to watch a stupid movie instead of listening to a moron behind me talk to his secretary a bit to friendly-ish.

Suicide -- The big talk of the train was the guy who got whacked by a train a couple of days prior to my ride. It happened at the Metropark train station-ish. Apparently, this fella was trying to cross the tracks and he stepped in front of a train. I never understand this if it is by mistake. How do you not see a train coming... but whatever. I love how no one really gave a crap or not if the person was alright, but they complained more about the delay the corpse caused. "I was late because of that guy... a whole hour." I bet he was going to Philadelphia...

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Election Day Joke -- Now Go Out and Vote

What is the difference between Democrats and Republicans?

Well... when a Democrat is finished reading his book, he uses a bookmark, but when a Republican is finished reading his book, he bends over the page.

Monday, November 06, 2006

Dropping Tucker Off At the Resort -- a 180

I have often said and written about the resort that we drop Tucker off at when muh wife and I travel. For a few bucks a night, Tucker gets to run around with other dogs and play all day long. It is the anti-kennel and we love the knowledge that Tucker is socializing with other dogs and having a great time.

I have also written about how I am a bit selfish with this too. In the past, I drop Tucker off and he gets excited by the place. He then has no problem showing his excitement and runs immediately into the back of the resort. I always feel a bit goofy about it because I wonder how much he likes us when he can't get away from us. I selfishly want him to be sad to see us go.

He didn't do that this week. For the first time in two years-ish, he didn't do it.

The lady behind the desk took our little darling away from me and led him into the back. He walked with his head down and slowly. I didn't think too much of it since I know he loves being with us. (For the non-believers out there, Tucker really does get all antsy and runs around the house when we aren't in the same room as him.)

The gate shut and I knew that Tucker had another door to go through. I heard that door open and then I heard a quick rustling... with some shouts of concern. I turn and I saw our cute little fella with his nose and paw sticking out the gate looking at me.

My heart dropped... I finally got what I asked for and here I was... sad to leave him.

The lady got Tucker under control and I gave Tucker a treat and a pet on the head... he eventually turned and went with the lady into the back with some slight coersion.

Wow... be careful what you wish for kids... sometimes... you will get it.

Sunday, November 05, 2006

Wife "Helps" Her Dying Husband

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: "I have something I must confess."

"There's no need to, " his wife replied.

"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know," she replied, "now just rest and let the poison work."

Saturday, November 04, 2006

Teaching the Husband a Lesson...

Husband comes home from the office and wife tells him the washing machine broke and asked if he could try and fix it. He says, "Do I look like a Maytag repairman? Do you see a maytag emblem on my shirt? Just call the repairman and get it fixed."

Next week he comes home and wife tells him the refrigerator is not working properly and asked if he could look at it, maybe fix it. He says," Do I look like a Sears repair person? Do I have a Kenmore service work coat on? Just call the repair man and get it fixed."

Next week he comes home and wife advises him that the garbage disposal broke in the morning. "BUT just as it broke and I was swearing at it, the mailman happened to be delivering the mail and heard me cussing at the disposal. He told me before he was a mailman he used to repair garbage disposals and if I wanted him to, he would take a look at it and see if he could fix it. 'Well what happened', asked the husband. Well, she explained, he said he knew what was wrong and he would be happy to fix it for a small fee. When I asked him how much money, he replied he didn't want money, but instead he would love to have a couple dozen of fresh baked chocolate chip -cookie-s, or have sex with me."

"What!", yelled the husband, "what happened!".

"Oh, he fixed the disposal",said the wife.
"NO, I mean how did you pay him!".

The wife smiled and said,"Do I look like Betty Crocker to you?"

Friday, November 03, 2006

Book 53 of 26 -- Stuart Woods' Short Straw -- A Rant

Good morning kids!!!

Look at me... I am reading a lot and I can't help it if a few of you guys are jealous. Seriously kids... let me read and then let me feel good about.

It somewhat reminds me of an old rant by Dennis Miller (probably about 10 years old) where he brings to light the issue that smart people or people who pursue reading are often ridiculed by society.

Why? Why can't I please read what I want... when I want folks?

That's what I thought... you're jealous...

Now... let me alone about it a little bit since I refuse to feel bad about reading.

Alright... on a train ride to DC, I was able to read a 300+ page book by Stuart Woods entitled Short Straw.

Short Straw is an "Ed Eagle" book and it follows Stuart's reliable formula of put a relatively affluent person into a deadly predicament and he or she essentially throws money at a solution by hiring some reformed or shady personnel.

Short Straw is no different and it is a PERFECT train ride or beach book. THe writing is simplistic enough and there isn't much depth to it at all.

It's a lot like an episode of I Pity the Fool -- with the greatest theme song ever.

Love you all....

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Tucker on Halloween

You knew I did it and I waited a little bit to put the pictures up out of sheer laziness, but yes.... I dressed up Tucker.

He was fantastic on Halloween. He was allowed to come to the door with me and meet the kids.

I offered the kids an option of "Candy or Pet the Dog." What I loved the most was that some kids actually debated it in their heads. Lots of kids chose pet the dog and they got candy anyway.

One girl even sat down and pet him for a few minutes. I would have taken a picture if I didn't mind being considered a sex offender. It was just so cute though...

Here is a picture of Tucker in his costume... I know he looks like he was in pain in the pictures, but I think it might have been more about the leash than anything else since he hates the leash more than anything...

Happy belated Halloween kids.... Tucker and I love ya....

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Hey John Kerry...

The joke was supposed to go...

If you don't study and do well in school then you get US stuck in Iraq.


Book 52 of 26 -- Split Second by David Baldacci

Heavens to Betsy... what kind of world are we living in when people like Steakbellie make fun of a person for reading a lot. It really is a bit on the silly side, but hey... if this is what he is going to tease me about... I suppose there are far worse things to suffer for.

So I read Split Second by David Baldacci.

As I have written and for those that have read it... I like reading Baldacci... For the most part, he writes some pretty interesting thrillers and almost all feature a really really bad person in the government that is a really big jerk. This really big jerk often kills people and covers up his or her mistakes.

Split Second is no different, but this time Baldacci delves into the world of the Secret Service... There are good people and bad people and the result is a pretty fun ride to the finish where people you thought were good are not good and people that they lead you to believe are bad... are not bad at all.

Not his b est... but not bad either.

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Halloween and Horror Movie Recommendations

Halloween is here and I have to admit that I love this holiday. I don't necessarily love the dressng up part or the candy part or the trick or treating part, but I love a whole bunch of other things.

I love that it means that it gets darker earlier... I love that it represents the smell of dead leaves on the ground that crunch when you walk on them. I love that it represents putting on a light jacket and visiting a scare fest someplace in a local town where you voluntarilly allow yourself to be spooked and you pay for it!

I guess what I am trying to say is that I love the months of October and November. The pumpkins and leaves of the same color make me smile and remind me of how awesome and beautiful Mother Nature is.

Who am I kidding... I really love it because it gives me a damn fine excuse to pull out some of my favorite horror movies. I got some wacky ones that I love too... as I have seen so many of them. I used to work in a video store on 10 hour shifts where we would get 5 or 6 customers a day. I watched everything I could in that store.

I decided to compile a list of some classic and not so classic horror movies that you might want to pick up this weekend from your local Blockbuster. Good luck if you are a Netflixer... I tried getting a few..but they are all of a sudden on the "Short Wait" list.

Legitimate Horror Movies

1. Fright Night -- The film stars Roddy McDowall as an Elvira type movie host who befriends a kid who has a vampire move into his neighborhood. The vampire is played by Chris Sarandon -- the evil Prince in the Princess Bride. the sequel is just as much fun, but the original is a cult classic. It is scary... and just fun.

2. The Shining -- Stanley Kubrick and Jack Nicholson combine to deviate from Stephen King's original book but create a movie that still makes me jump every time I see it. How can you not be scared every time those little girls ride the Big Wheels down the hallways that fill up with blood? Gets me every time...I will only watch this movie in the daytime.

3. NIghtmare on Elm Street -- The first one is truly a scary flick before Freddy became a national icon and favorite son of sorts. I refused to listen to my walkman and lie on my bed for almost two years after watching this film. Not good... not good... heck... in case you didn't know... Johnny Depp is in the original. Also... little known trivia... Kevin Bacon gets wasted in the first Friday the 13th.

Goofy Horror Movies

1. Dead Alive -- This is one of the original films that Peter Jackson of Lord of the Rings fame made in his home country of New Zealand. The cinematography is horrible because it was made for nothing, but you can see the sense of humor Jackson had when he made a movie about a "zombie virus" going around town and the kid that tries to keep all the zombies happy and living in his mom's house. The climax involves PUDDLES of blood but it is all cartoonish. Trust me... you can really see Jackson's genius in this early flick.

2. Evil Dead 2 -- Sam Raimi of Spider Man and Dark Man directorial fame directed the first one (truly scary and intense) and this second one with a budget. It is still a scary movie at parts but he allowed his buddy Bruce Campbell to show his goofy side as well. The whole three movie series is a hoot. The third one is entitled Army of Darkness and is more of a comedy.

3. Shocker -- Yeah... that's Skinner from X-Files who plays a psychotic killer that can go through power lines and kill whomever he wants. Yeah... Wes Craven directed it and yeah... it is supposeded to be scary... and yeah.. .it isn't... it is funnier than it should be... but it will make you jump a couple of times... not always at the plot but sometimes because of Peter Berg's horrible acting.


If you want to just watch glorified crap for Halloween, I recommend watching anything by Troma Films, Sorority Babes in the SLime Bowl A Rama or Slumber Party Massacre II (starring Crystal Bernard of the Wings)

I have so many other movies I could recommend if you want me to...

What is your favorite legitimate horror movie and fun horror movie? I want to hear someone say People Under the Stairs. Classic Misguided Wes Craven.