Sunday, April 30, 2006

Evidence of... Hypocrisy?

I love when people ask the questions that make you think.

I read in a column in the state's largest newspaper this question thatt the writer feels might be the single most dreaded question by Republican candidate Tom Kean (JR!!!)

"Sen. Kean, how would you feel if an illegal alien doctor were to be mowed down with a .50 caliber semi-automatic assault weapon while performing a partial birth abortion on a minor without her parents' consent."

That type of question always makes me laugh...

It reminds me of a question like this one that I am paraphrasing from Dennis Miller from many years ago.

"Would Patrick Buchanon be opposed to abortion if he found out that his grandson to be was identified as having the gay gene?"

Just food for thought on this glorious Sunday afternoon.

Saturday, April 29, 2006

Happy BIrfday Kelly

She is older today.

I bet she feels older.

Good for her.

Friday, April 28, 2006

Survivor Game -- Only Two Episodes Left!!!!

Two weeks have gone by since I last posted about the game.

I wasn't sure what to write last week when the player that was "booted" wasn't booted. He got so incredibly sick that he had to get medical attention and quit the game. He was so incredibly tough and amazing that I have to give him a lot of credit for the crap that he went through.


I don't mean the pain... I mean... having to be around Courtney and Shane while he was feeling sick.. that was just so unpleasant!

I like winning the game with my buddy, but I don't want to beat someone when they lose players this way... I would have much rather had Bruce be voted out than have him get sick.

Regardless... one of the thoughts about this season versus two seasons ago when Tom won was that in Tom's season... the nice tribe kept winning and you were happy since they were all nice people... it didn't make for good television, but heck... you liked them.

This season... the a-hole tribe with all the douche bags is the tribe that wiped out the other side... so even though you don't like the contestants for the most part... you enjoy watching them since you can easily hate them so much.

One of the more annoying folks got blind sided last night (Courtney... )


Why? Cirie proved to me why I like her... she is tougher than she lets on and is smarter than everyone else out there. She can also thank her lucky stars for being surrounded by stupid people like Danielle.


What else can I say?

ASSSHHHFFAAULLLTTT! only has one player left and there is really no possible way that Shane can win this. He is truly the biggest prick on television right now... and I will say it now...and I mean it... if Shane wins... I will owe ASSSHHHFAAULLT... TWO cases of beer...

It's almost not fair...



The score is 7-4 with your humble host in the lead. There are only two more episodes left and it is kind of a bummer to think about it... I like winning the competition.. but I hate dominating this much.


(The number in parenthesis represents the position in the draft they were chosen.)


(2) -- TERRY
(7) -- CIRIE
(10) -- ARAS
(11) -- COURTNEY -- Booted Week 11
(3) -- DAN -- Booted Week 6
(14) -- MELINDA -- Booted Week 2
(15) -- TINA -- Booted Week 1

(16) -- SHANE
(1) -- BRUCE -- QUIT WEEK TEN.... That was sad... :-(
(12) -- NICK -- BOOTED WEEK SEVEN!!!!!

Thursday, April 27, 2006

Peeing In A Cup... Did I Have Too?

Soooo... I start a lot of blogs with the old and reliable...


That generally means that I am going to talk about something a bit off color or something that might annoy or is a bit disturbing.

This is one of those times in which you have to really question why you read this blog or even want to enter into my mind to see what it is that I think.

I did something at the doctor's office the other day and I am not really sure why I did it.

I thought it would be funny at the time... and now... the more I think about it... the weirder I think I was for doing it.

I get an allergy shot every two weeks or so. I walk in, the nurses know who I am, and we generally chat for awhile. It is as though I am a regular employee and we bond a bunch. Usually when I am there, I go to the bathroom...

When I am in the bathroom, they have these paper cups that you pee in for urine samples. You pee in the cup, use a marker to write your name on it and leave the cup on the counter. I know this is the process because there is a sign there telling you to do so... and I have looked at this sign for 4 years now.

I decided to finally follow the directions on the sign.

I signed the cup Mickey Mouse...

I now wonder if anyone will ever figure out it was me who did that....

I have a problem...

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Book 21 of 26 -- Are We There Yet?

I know... I know... I said that I was going to read a library book next, but with the long holiday, I couldn't get to the library to get the book they had waiting for me. They were closed the whole weekend.

TO rectify that, I picked up a fun book at the bookstore entitled "Are We There Yet? Tales From the Never Ending Travels of WWE Superstars."

I make up no lies about my love for wrestling and the mystique behind. I routinely read the biographies of my more favorite wrestlers... (Don't even think about putting out a biography on the A-Train!). I enjoy reading about their lives but what I really enjoy are the goofy stories they tell.

These stories usually revolve around assuming something or being put into a truly awkward situation. Whatever the story, they are pretty funny and beyond anything I could ever imagine.

This book takes out all the biographical bullsh*t and just tells the stories.

It was a great read and with the anecdotal style, it made it an easy read.

This is a great book for anyone who is a fan of wrestling and wants to see what makes their favorite superstars tick.

Next Up -- Jonathan Kellerman's latest best seller -- GONE

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Channel 4's Gay-O-Meter

Channel 4's Gay-O-Meter

Take the test... I was 26% gay.

I predict that Steakbellie and ArtieLange will each get at least 40%.

Top Five Tuesday -- The Artie Lange Hates TFT Edition

Top Five Reasons Why Subtitled Movies Can be Good
1. You can watch them in twice the speed. No need for sound if all you are doing is reading anyway.
2. They can be Chinese and star Stephen Chow... quality stuff.
3. They could be Japanese and a horror movie.
4. You can make others feel dumb and out of if for watching a movie that they don't know about.
5. Because I said so....

Top Five Most Awesome Historical Figures!!! (No particular reason why...)
1. Pericles
2. Abraham Lincoln
3. Franklin Delano Roosevelt
4. Noah
5. Burt Reynolds

My Top Five Favorite Stand Up Comics (not necessarily today... but at the time I loved them.)
1. Howie Mandel
2. Richard Jeni
3. Chris Rock
4. Eddie Murphy
5. Stephen Wright

Top Five Lamest Topics for Top Five Tuesday
1. Top Five People You Meet in Heaven
2. Top Five Reasons Why the Mets are great!
3. Top Five Reasons Why the Red Sox Ceremony Was Incredible.
4. Top Four Things I Want To Do Today. (Only four! Come on!)
5. Top Five Fast Food Restaurants in Philly

Top Five Things I Always Forget About How Great Dogs Are
1. No matter how much you punish them, they will still come back for more love.
2. They really are totally reliant on you.
3. When they are on a walk, chicks flock to it...and you... ;-)
4. Dogs that play tug of war are great dogs... they will never win but they will always fight!
5. When a dog gets really excited... sometimes.. it just pees everywhere

Monday, April 24, 2006

A Night Out To See David Sedaris

Muh wife and I don't share too much in common when it comes to books. I tend to enjoy fluff while she tends to enjoy more of the "important" works. To illustrate my point, muh wife has a copy of the Scarlet Letter on an end table to read in the near future while I recently read the biography of a WWE wrestler -- Eddie Guerrero.

Two authors that we do share are David Sedaris and J.K. Rowling. Rowling is the author of the Harry Potter series and David Sedaris is a humorist who writes mostly memoirs -- not anything like that Frey f-er.

We both enjoy the wit and luxury that he takes with his words.

With that in mind, I purchased a set of tickets for us to see him earlier this month at the McCarter Theater in Princeton. He generally reads his work for 75 minutes and then takes questions from the audience. Hearing his voice read his own words is always exciting for the two of us because we generally leave the place with a sore belly.

This year was no exception.

We got there early and went for a walk around the theater. It was a nice enough night out and we enjoyed the walk. When we got to the theater, it made us smile to see David mingling with the crowd and autographing books. We wished we had remembered to bring the few books that we have that aren't signed for him to sign.

We waited in one of the less busy lobbies and were lucky to bump into two friends of ours that we knew were at the show. It is always good to see these two lovely sisters and get caught up with them. We separated and made our way to our seats...

... but when we got there... the seats were full with an annoying couple. We politely informed this young couple that they were in our seats and they mumbled and grumbled. I will not be able to do this justice as it was more of the inflection of their voices that annoyed us more than the actual words that they said.

I made a comment that they were our seats that they were sitting in as I pointed out that we had the tickets for seats 13 and 15. She was quick to respond with a comment in a most condescending manner of "What row?" I said, "Your row." She and her man grumbled some more and eventually got up. Their words saying soemthing to the effect of... "What's the difference of two seats... why can't we sit there... blah blah blah..."

Their attitude was pathetic as they moved over and it annoyed me. It gave me more fuel to my destesting those that feel as though they are better than everyone else. But... I digress...

The show was perfect except for one thing. I always forget that when I go to a show like this, people's laughter is not as muted as when you go see a comedy in a movie. The movie drowns out a lot of the people, but in a theater, you get to hear a lot of different types of laughter such as:


Ever just want to poke someone in the eyes for their laugh? I know you all do.

So the night ended and we drove home happy to have had another awesome night together. We were just bummed that it was a school night.

Sunday, April 23, 2006

Happy Earth Day

So... muh wife and I celebrated the day after Earth Day by throwing away glass and newspapers in the regular garbage.

Does anyone actually celebrate this day anymore and what do you do?

-- Pick up all the flyers you passed out to advertise the event and burn them?

-- Supply everyone with bottled water, pick up the empties and immediately recycle them?

Just curious...

Saturday, April 22, 2006

Coming to a Conclusion About Your "Balls"


1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

2 The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING

3 The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

4 The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

5 The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS. and........

6 The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.

THE AMAZING CONCLUSION: The higher you go in the corporate structure,
the smaller your balls become.

Friday, April 21, 2006

Test for Compatibility... I Got....

I took a fun test online today...

Click Here

I came out pretty darn well as I love all three of these women...

Muh wife got Ed Norton... not bad... I got cutesy people and she got a dorky tool.

Awesomeness is prevailing in the Smelmooo Household

Celebrity Love Match Results for: Smelmooo
Your Celebrity Match is: Wynona Ryder

Winona Ryder
According to our test, you would be a perfect match for Winona Ryder.
Born: October 29, 1971
Winona was chosen by "People" magazine as one of the 50 Most Beautiful People in the World in 1997. She is known for roles in Edward Scissorhands, Beetlejuice, and Reality Bites. She also executive produced "Girl, Interrupted."
Your next closest matches were:

Natalie Portman
Kirsten Dunst

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Where Have I Spent the Night?

I have NO idea why I thought of this...

I was at a work meeting a couple of weeks back and I was bored out of my F-ing skull. I can generally tolerate any meetings but this one was really gut wrenching. I really wanted to kick someone in the friggin' head.

I channelled that energy into something productive so I decided to make a list.

I made a list of everywhere I have ever slept before -- by towns. I know I am missing a few but I am working on updating this list.

I am also asking anyone who wants to help by reminding me if I crashed at your place and the city you were in when I slept there.

I challenge you all to make a list of your own... you will have a nice trip down memory lane!



Palm Desert
Palm Springs
San Diego


District of Columbia
Washinton, DC





Ocean City


Las Vegas

New Jersey
Atlantic City
Bradley Beach
East Amwell
Egg Harbor
Hamilton Square
Mt. Laurel
New Brunswick
North Brunswick
Port Murray
South Brunswick
Tom's River
Whitehouse Station

New York
Clifton Park
New York City

North Carolina

West Pittston
Wilkes Barre

South Carolina


Stephens City


Puerto Rico



Mediterranean Sea

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Book 20 of 26 -- The Attorney by Steve Martini

The world is an interesting place and I love being in it. Spring has sprung and I am glad to just plain be outside more again. Tucker and I walk more ... whenever he is feeling up to it AND we go to the dog park more.

I feel much more comfortable at the dog park now and I let the little monster go running off on his own. When he does so, I whip out my book and enjoy a good read in the warm setting sun.

I have read a lot of Martini books recently and my next two books will not be Martini books as I am expecting some library books to arrive.

The Attorney by Steve Martini (Not Martin as the Steakbellie loves to joke about...) is an exciting return to the world of a character that Martini wanted to get away from.

Since I read them in chronological order, it is not surprising that in order to get his name back in front of the people again that he had to return to a popular character since that last book just plain sucked the big moose nuts.

As I plan what we can do on our summer vacation this summer and what we are going to do on a short trip to Baltimore and to the Shenandoah Mountains, I relish the idea of reading more books like this this summer.

I have 3 more Martini books to go... I'll probably read them before June anyway...

Next up... either Chris Moore's Dirty Job or Jonathan or Jesse Kellerman's new books (library books) or something shorter...

P.S. I couldn't figure out who did it until the end of the book. Bastard.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Top Five Tuesday

Top Five NFL Games I Want to See Next Year...
1. Week 1 -- Colts vs Giants -- Jesus... you cannot understand how badly I want Peyton to DESTROY his brother ... the crappy and not nearly that good Eli.
2. Week 5 -- Cowboys vs Eagles -- T.O. returns to Philly... That could be very ugly since the Eagles fans are simply the biggest assholes on the planet.
3. Week 17 -- Steelers vs Bengals -- If expectations remain high, this could be an extremely important game. Good scheduling put this one last.
4. Every week -- Watching the Raiders find new ways to lose is always exciting.
5. Week 3 -- Falcons vs New Orleans -- The Saints return to the Superdome. Emotions should be running high.

Top Five Reasons Eminem and His Wife Divorced Again
1. They were jealous of all the press coverage that Tomkat is getting for their fake marriage.
2. Eminem ran out of material for his album and needs to "suffer" again for song material.
3. He is irrelevant and this is a desperate attempt to change that.
4. The baby asked them too...
5. He has a sequel to 8 Mile coming out... called... Route to Irrelevancy

Top Five Reasons Why Jennifer Aniston is a Failure as an Actress -- C'Mon...when your biggest hit is Leprechaun besides Friends... you got some issues.
1. Derailed
2. Rumor Has It
3. The Object of My Affection
4. She's the One
5. Ferris Bueller the tv show....

Top Five People That I Want To Reach the Final Five on Survivor
1. Terry -- SInce he was my #1 pick anyway.
2. Cirie -- I have grown to think she is the best "narrator" ever.
3. Danielle & her Boobies -- The editors spend more time on her chest than they do her. Seriously.
4. Courtney -- I can't stand her either... which is why it would be great to have her go farther...makes the show more interesting.
5. Shane -- I hate him... but he is an awesome bad guy.

Top Five Signs That The End of the World is Near
1. David Spade and Heather Locklear = Couple??!?!?!?
2. I need two hands to count all of the jobs that hosebag Ryan Seacrest has.
3. Someone actually cares that Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise are still together...
4. Benchwarmers
5. Playboy is being sold now in Indonesia...even though there are no naked women in it.

Monday, April 17, 2006

Good Joke On Tax Day

David had been plagued by terrible headaches for years. The doctor said, "David, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

David was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.

He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person.

He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit".

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."

David laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.

David tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As David admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

David thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed David and said, "Let's see 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."

David was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years." David tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

David walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

David thought for a moment and said, "Sure."

The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36." David laughed, "Ah ha! I got you; I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

New suit - $400

New shirt - $36

New underwear - $6

Second Opinion -PRICELESS

Saturday, April 15, 2006

A Gay Cowboy Joke

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

"Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

Friday, April 14, 2006

Survivor Game.... Continues... Exile Island...

It has been a really long time since I have provided you all with a Survvor game update. It all started when the NCAA's came to town and essentially knocked Survivor off for three weeks. That's fine... but a few episodes have aired since we last talked... let's get caught up.

Nine episodes have passed us by and that is not including the 10th bonus episode that we got that was a highlights episode. 9 people out of 16 have been eliminated and we have only five more episodes left.

I am going to say that this is one of my more favorite seasons of Survivor and it is for one reason -- the hidden immunity idol. I thought the idea of the hidden immunity idol was pretty stupid. It annoyed me that they would throw in this idea and let it float out there. What it has done is to create some amazing drama in each of the Tribal Councils.

If a contestant is voted off and he or she has the hidden (extra) immunity idol, he or she can play it then. The person with the second highest amount of votes is then voted off the island. In the past couple of episodes, Aras has felt that if the hidden idol is played, he would be voted off and ... he... would have been correct. This tension has been fun to watch as he gets defensive and crazy just thinking about it.

Through the magic of editting, the two people that I once labeled as assholes (Shane and Courtney) have really become less of that. They are now more enjoyable to watch. I stillw ouldn't want to hang out with any of them... but I am more inclined to like them.

Cirie is still a pisser to watch each week. She is playing the "under the radar" tactic and it might actually work out for her. Good luck to Cirie.

The producers also seem to have a strange fascination with Danielle's breasts. She is on the show too... right? Muh wife and I can't stop laughing at how many close ups they of her each week...

If I was drinking these days... we might make a drinking game out of it!

Until next week folks....I am still rooting for Terry...

The score is 6-3 with your humble host in the lead after watching three of his players stick a row.


(The number in parenthesis represents the position in the draft they were chosen.)


(2) -- TERRY
(7) -- CIRIE
(10) -- ARAS
(11) -- COURTNEY
(3) -- DAN -- Booted Week 6
(14) -- MELINDA -- Booted Week 2
(15) -- TINA -- Booted Week 1

(1) -- BRUCE
(16) -- SHANE
(12) -- NICK -- BOOTED WEEK SEVEN!!!!!

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Putting My Life Into Perspective

I am often reminded at how much I remain a child at heart even though I have a lot of responsibilities.

For example:

Muh wife and I were sitting at our table, with me in my sport coat and cuff links and her in a nice outfit eating at a pretty nice place in Princeton, when a twelve year old boy walked in. He looked just like any other twelve year old boy except that he was wearing a T-Shirt I don't see often. It was a T-Shirt for one of my favorite movies The Evil Dead -- seriously. So... I actually felt my heart leap and I think my face lit up and I announced to Tangent Woman... "that kid has an awesome shirt!" She asked me what it was and I told her.. .with excitement in my heart... that's when I realized how much of a tool I was/am. I was envious of a 12 year old boy's t-shirt. Lame ass...

My favorite CD of the moment is a mix CD that I stole from a neighboring reception at a wedding that muh wife and I went to in November (Click here for a reminder of that event...) It is an intersting story of theft and honor. I keep reliving the past with this song as I bop and hum along with Def Leppard, Night Ranger, and POISON. It is the early days of high school... revisited.

The weekend of Wrestlemania was pretty busy. I normally head down to my friend Chris' to see it but this year, I would have just about killed myself from exhaustion if I had tried to make my way down there. You can't imagine how sad I was to have missed it as I think it is the first one I have missed since the Mike Tyson one... I had to read about it online the next morning... I was so excited to read about the results of some of the matches and I can't believe that I actually let out a little yelp when I read that Chris Masters lost... Maybe they will finally bury this waste of space and give Carlito the push I want him to have. "I spit in the face of people who do not want to be cool..." I am seven sometimes....and jealous of 12 year olds....

These are just some silly things... but I gotta confess... sometimes... I can't help but wonder how easy it would be to be 10 again... but then... I remember Mr. Higerd... and that idea just begins to look like shit.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

A Weekend of Fun -- Being a Tourist... Just to Kill Time

As many of you know, muh wife and I really enjoy going to the city to see Broadway shows. We get to do it a few times a year on a good year and twice in a bad year.

We dragged ourselves out of bed early on Saturday morning as we had a black tie affair the night prior, put on some decent clothes, packed up the dog for a night at Pet Pals and drove into the city.

When we go to see shows we don't know what show we are going to see. We get on the TKTS line and await to see what show we can see at 50% off. This time around we were fortunate to arrive 1 hour and 15 minutes early to get on line. We were pretty close to the front of the line. What always cracks me up is that if we were to arrive just 15 minutes later, the line had tripled in length and 15 minutes after that, the tripled length line would triple again! It's an exercise in logarithms.

We had some interesting choices and opted for The Light in the Piazza -- last year's top Tony winning musical although it didn't win Best Musical. It was up about 20 blocks in Lincoln Center... It being 10:00 a.m. at this point and with the show starting at 2:00 p.m., we had to kill some time. We normally just walk around and kill time window shopping or whatever, but for some reason, Tangent Woman actually agreed to my suggestion to be a tourist and go up the Empire State Building. Neither of us remember ever going up the ESB so... what the heck.

When we arrived, we were told that it was a short wait to get to the top. We were told this at EACH of the intervals in the building so the total time that it took to the top totalled an hour and 15 minutes. It's amazing... because once we got to the top, it made the whole wait and cattle herding experience worth it. We could see for about 5 miles and it is amazing that even in New York City, the air was crisp and clear.

With improper walking shoes and a 32 block walk ahead of us... (It was almost noon at this point), I suggested that we grab the Subway... to search for a restaurant up near Lincoln Center. Once again, my suggestion was accepted and we arrived in our spot about 10 minutes later.

Lunch was eaten at Cafe Fiorello where we shared a fancy pizza and ate some fantastic sweet bread before hand. The place was packed so we opted to sit at the bar. With the way the bar was shaped, the corners were dramatic so we were essentially facing each other even though we were sitting on either side of a corner. It was a nice little meal. Not the best, but still pretty darn good!

Muh wife and I liked the show a lot. We both recognize that it wasn't the best show ever made, but the show was still one of the better ones produced (Our hearts are still with Avenue Q... you must see that show... you simply must... ) When we walked out, we didn't hear too many positive things. It was a light show without much depth. My favorite line was by a woman who judgmentally said -- "It just goes to show you that people like simple things..." I hated the way she said it and I hated her condescending face. I almost dropped her.

We then walked the 30 blocks to our car, and made our way over to Brooklyn where we went to a birthday party for our friend. She was turning 35 and returned home to her parent's house for a party. It was fun and the coolest bit of knowledge we gathered was why there were construction vehicles and markers all around the nearest intersection. It was the location of that huge sinkhole where the SUV dropped straight into it from a couple of weeks ago. That story dominated the news for two days... it was cool...

We made it home around midnight and were sad to remember that Tucker was in the resort. When we awoke the next day, we headed over to muh parents to celebrate another birfday... delaying our pick up of Tucker and making us sad in the process. We eventually picked him up around 7:00 and headed home to relax before the next busy weekend started.

Not a bad wasn't relaxing, but at least it was fun and eventful.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Top Five Tuesday

Top Five Things I Did a Couple of Weekends Ago
1. I got to get dressed up in a tuxedo and go out with muh wife for a night on the town.
2. Muh wife and I headed into the city to see a show through TKTS. We saw The Light in the Piazza... Fantastic funness...
3. Muh wife and I stopped at an Italian restaurant in the city for a nice casual lunch in between buying the tickets and waiting for the show to begin.
4. Tucker and I got to go to a dog park again. I am so happy that the weather has warmed up so much that he can go running around again with his friends... Zoe and Red.
5. We went to a friend's 35th Birfday party in Brooklyn. It's good to see her every once in awhile...even though she lived right next to the infamous sinkhole from a couple of weeks ago... I had no idea...

Top Five Reasons Why Anna Benson and Kris Benson are Getting Divorced
1. He was traded to Baltimore.... and who really wants to live... in Baltimore... it has a nice 6 block radius... that's all.
2. She is... um... crazier than any woman... ever...
3. I heard she cheated on him... that's a surprise...
4. I must re-enforce... after a year in New York... she must be pissed to be going to Baltimore...
5. Did I mention that she was crazy... and a whore?

Top Five Reasons Why Cloning Makes Me Nervous (In response to the recent reports that two champion race horses were cloned....)
1. Paris Hilton being cloned...
2. Paula Abdul being cloned...
3. Michael Jackson being cloned...
4. George W. Bush being cloned...
5. Dick Cheney being cloned...

Top Five Reasons Why Cloning DOESN'T Make Me Nervous
1. My wife being cloned...although I like her one of a kindness...
2. Salma Hayek being cloned...
3. Rachel McAdams being cloned...
4. Tucker being cloned...
5. Maura Tierney being cloned...

Top Five Top Reviews of Basic Instinct 2
1. Entertainment Weekly -- "'Basic Instinct 2,' good fun 0"
2. View London -- "Enjoyably trashy sequel that’s a lot more fun than you might expect, although it’s almost ruined by its ridiculous climax."
3. Hollywood Reporter -- "You can't keep a bad woman down."
4. Sydney Morning Herald -- "Sharon Stone is back and looks eerily unchanged in this clunky sequel."
5. Star Ledger -- "Basically, It Stinks"

Monday, April 10, 2006

Mondays Suck... But Here is Something Fun

Mondays... generally... suck the big sack of moose nuts.

However... I have found a pair of sites that tickle my pair of fun nuts...

Someone decided to take movie trailers, re-edit them with new music and turn the movies' plots on their end.

First up is a funny destruction of Sleepless in Seattle. What I remember of this sweet love story is that the characters are across the country from each other and are basically dragged kicking and screaming into each other's arms.

This takes that sweet love story for chicks and turns it into a Fatal Attraction type movie.

Check it out....

Does anyone remember Back to the Future III? I do... it was as good as the first and yet... no one remembers it.

It was set in the wild west... and... you guessed it... they took it and turned it into a Brokeback Mountain spin off.

You must watch it... I cannot do it justice in the least.

Click here....

Enjoy your Monday!

Sunday, April 09, 2006


This has got to be one of the funniest things I've heard of in a Long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true phone call from the Word Perfect Help line which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Helpdesk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause." This ! is actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. Now I know why they record! these conversations!

"Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"



"It's blank, it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it ! that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don! 't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

"Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"


"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

"Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"


"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark."


"Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power failure."

"A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do! I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer. "

Saturday, April 08, 2006



1. Yes = No

2. No = Yes

3. Maybe = No

4. We need = I want

5. I am sorry = You'll be sorry

6. We need to talk = You're in trouble

7. Sure, go a head = You better not

8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later

9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you moron!

10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?


1. I am hungry = I am hungry

2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy

3. I am tired = I am tired

4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

5. I love you = Let's have sex now

6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?

7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.

8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.

9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.

10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.

11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay

Friday, April 07, 2006

Random Thoughts on a Friday....

Water Shock and Awe -- Sooo... in my Lent-en spirit, I bought a bottle of water instead of my usual soda. It was a bottle of Dasani and I quickly paid at the counter. I took the bottle to work, got settled at my desk and immediately began to get to work. 30 minutes into my morning, I opened the bottle of water -- parched -- and drank a good huge gulp. It threw me against a wall when I realized that it was actually RASPBERRY flavored water.

Oh my god... that was soooo incredibly disgusting...

Tucker's Trip to the Vet -- Going to the vet always makes Tangent Woman and I nervous. For a period of 3 months, when we first got him, Tucker "suffered" from worms.

We thought we were the worst parents ever and we often felt dopey. He eventually got rid of his when we went at the end of March to get him his shots and test his stool for worms, we were a bit nutty in the brain.

We waited and waited after Tucker received his shots. He came back negative... Jesus... that was far more stress than we needed!

NCAA Tourney Pool Results -- This year's NCAA tourney was an amazing tourney. I have been following these for as long as I can remember and this year was the best one by far.

Exciting games all around with over time wins and tough losses made each game exciting. As always, I entered in some money pools, and it was the first time in my memory that I was locked into winning some money before the final four even played! I had UCLA going to the finals...

I needed UCLA to win the semi-final game and then lose in the finals. That's what happened... now I can afford to pay for the home insurance...

Open Toed Shoes For Women -- Since I know the some of you care about this issue, I figured I would tell you. I saw a very high ranking government official at a very public gathering wearing open toed shoes. She also had on re-enforced toe hose stockings. That's a no no. As I searched for a picture to support this entry, I found this discussion board conversation on the topic... The fact that there a group of people that took the time to have a lenghty discussion about this... is what really bothers me... much more than the actual wearing of open toed sandals with stockings... Click here to see what the heck I am so upset about...

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Books 18 & 19 of 26 -- The List & Critical Mass by Steve Martini

I am just plain cruising with muh reading. Steve Martini is mostly a good read and I am excited that I have found his books.

The latest book on muh list to read... is... The List.

In The List, Martini takes a break from his successful Madriani character and delves into the world of a female lawyer. The character has broader (no pun intended) ambitions and has delved into the world of writing. For reasons well spelled out in the book, she is critically successful, but not commercially. She writes a masterpiece of a novel and is forced to find someone to play the writer of the book in order for it to sell.

For the first 300 pages of 450, Martini meticulously lays out the reasons why this is necessary and shows us plenty of insight into the publishing world. You get the feeling that Martini harbors some anymosity at the way things are done, but in the long run, how pissed can he be when he lives it every single day ... on the successful side.

The story eventually delves into action and "terror" and that is when the book kicks into 8th gear to a pretty satisfying climax... much like a hot fudge sundae... mmmm...

This is an ideal summer, beach book...

Then I had the misfortune of reading... Critical Mass. This was far from one of his better reads and I am not sure if I can even recommend this for the beach as a throw away...

I was so disappointed with his book that I wasn't sure if I wanted to erad any more by him... but heck..the rest of his books feature a rturn to the Paul Madriani character... so... I am going to do it...

Next up... Steve Martini's The Attorney...

Next up... The Attorney... by Martini...

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Three Word Movie Reviews -- The Return

Atlantic City -- Good Quality Piece

Brothers Grimm -- Ledger Mumbles Always?

Cinderella Man -- Gritty Powerful Stuff

Deer Hunter -- Slow Burning -- Astonishing

Dirty Love -- Worst Movie Ever

Flightplan -- Edge of Seatiness

A History of Violence -- History of Awesomeness

Junebug -- Weird Yet Engrossing

Just Friends -- Better Than Anticipated

Ice Harvest -- Dark, Bloody, Funny

Jarhead -- Emotional Investment

Legend of Zorro -- Legendarily Mediocre Fun

Network -- Still Applicable Today

Nine Lives -- Poignant, Relevant Episodic

The Omen -- Spooky, Wacky, Goodness

Platoon -- Flashback of Hell

Squid and the Whale -- Squirmy Honest Funny

Stay -- Nice Try Dumb

Waiting... -- Gross, Stupid Funniness

Weather Man -- Surpisingly Sweetly Sentimental

The Wedding Date -- Divorced From Reality

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Top Five Tuesday

Top Five Women that are Sexier Than Scarlett Johansson (FHM's Sexiest Woman in the World)
1. Jessica Alba
2. Keira Knightly
3. Carmen Electra
4. Halle Berry
5. Jessica Simpson

Top Five Slightly Lesser Known Actresses Who Are Hottie Pants
1. Callie Thorne -- Two words -- Rescue Me
2. Evangeline Lilly -- Even though she is Canadian
3. Emilie de Ravin -- Even though she has that pesky Australian accent
4. Selma Blair -- Only recently since she has put some weight back on... she was WAY too thin for awhile there.
5. Kate Bosworth -- Ok... she had me at Blue Crush ... dammit...

Top Five Reasons Why "Big Love" is Quickly Becoming One of My Favorite Shows
1. Harry Dean Stanton is perfect in his role as the evil father in law to Bill Paxton. So good that he is in danger of stealing the show.
2. Bill Paxton is amazing in that he can portray such conviction and susceptibility... it makes him a much more real person.
3. The writing was slow in the first few episodes... but now that it is into the swing of things... that was all build up...
4. Chloe Sevigny -- This is a touchy one... people either love her or hate her (muh wife) but I think that she is perfectly cast in this role as a whiny pain in the ass. She adds so much tension to the role and makes me nervous every single time she opens her mouth. Funny thing is that she creates the same debate as CHLOE does on 24.
5. The return of Jeanne Triplehorn -- Oh where have you been and I missed you with your perfect portrayal of one of Bill's wives.

Top Five Reasons Why Isaac Hayes Blows
1. He essentially killed off Chef... you bastard...
2. Hypocrisy....An episode about a bleeding Virgin Mary statue is ok... but to tease Scientology is intolerant? Dude... they were in the same season...
3. No more sexy stupid love songs...
4. I will probably never hear another reference to Chocolately Salty Balls again...
5. You wait TEN FRIGGING YEARS to make your stand?

Top Five Ideas For Tomkat's Impending Child's Name
1. Fake Jake
2. Tomkat, Jr.
3. Isaac Hayes
4. Imaginary Fetal Fella
5. Sylvester

Monday, April 03, 2006

In & Out Burger vs Fatburger vs Jack in the Box Part TWO!!!


As I wrote in a blog last week, I was in California for a work trip. The west coast amazes me in that they have the best hamburger joints in the country.

Whenever I am on the west coast, I am sure to eat hamburgers at these places. On this trip, I was alone so it was easier for me to stop in and munch away on these delectable delicacies...

When you pull into a fast food joint in Jersey, you expect to order, pay at the next window, grab your food and be back on the road in 4-5 minutes... TOPS.

At these places, the minimum wait is 10-15 minutes as they are literally preparing each burger as you order and to the order.

Fat Burger

As you know, the first place I went to was Fat Burger. My camera was still in the bag and I didn't get any pictures of the burger. I ordered a Fat Burger with cheese and tomatoes. It came out grilled to perfection with cheese. The "skinny" fries that I ordered with it were a bit disappointing, but still. My wait in the line was 20 minutes. It was alright as I was listening to Florida's second round game in the NCAA tourney.

In & Out Burger

The second place I visited the next day was In & Out Burger. This is a favorite of Sharico's and I not surprised. The location is fun and the staff is the nicest of the three places.

As you pull up, you will see that the menu isn't that difficult. You also don't have to talk through the microphone. What you actually see here is the line in front of me and we have already ordered our meals. I didn't want to take her picture, but since the weather is so mild, there was a person outside wearing a keyboard around her neck taking everyone's order. Freaky.

So... I waited the 14 minutes and I got my burger.

My Double Double with cheese was pretty tasty and I wouldn't complain at all but I have to absolutely honest with you. It wasn't nearly as good as a Fat Burger. Yeup... that's right... in head to head competition, Fat Burger has won over In & Out Burger...

Side note. Why do all the burger joints out there not fully wrap their burgers. They leave it so you can eat them right away... much like anything you order from the infamous Rutgers Grease Trucks...

Jack in the Box

Jack in the Box has been mentioned in a variety of television shows over the years and I have never really eaten there until last year. Muh wife and I got some quick food before we continued on our volcano trip on the Big Island in Hawaii.

Jack in the Box has two distinct features to its menu. They serve breakfast sandwiches all the time and their burgers, aside from the regular buns, can be served on Sourdough bread. That is key. I really liked the Sourdough bread experiment that Burger King had a few years ago and I was sad that the experiment didn't work out here.

So... I ordered a Sourdough Burger...

It was delicious. What looks like mustard in the picture was actually a type of cheese as there were two types of cheese on the burger.

In a head to head battle with In & Out Burger, the Jack in the Box burger won... primarilly to the mucho amounts of cheese and since it was sourdough.

When I compared it to Fat Burger though... ummmm... it still didn't compare... Fat Burger would remain the ultimate burger champion.

Sunday, April 02, 2006

A New Outsourced President

Congress today announced that the office of President of the United States of America will be outsourced to India as of December 30, 2006.

The move is being made to save the President's $400,000 yearly salary, and also a record $521 billion in deficit expenditures and related overhead the office has incurred during the last 5 years.

"We believe this is a wise move financially. The cost savings should be significant," stated Congressman Thomas Reynolds (R-WA). Reynolds, with the aid of the Government Accounting Office, has studied outsourcing of American jobs extensively. "We cannot expect to remain competitive on the world stage with the current level of cash outlay," Reynolds noted.

Mr. Bush was informed by email this morning of his termination.

Preparations for the job move have been underway for sometime. Gurvinder Singh of Indus Teleservices, Mumbai, India will be assuming the Office of President as of December 30th.

Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his Indian parents were vacationing at Niagara Falls, thus making him eligible for the position.

He will receive a salary of $320 (USD) a month but with no health coverage or other benefits.

It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his job responsibilities without a support staff. Due to the time difference between the US and India, he will be working primarily at night, when few offices of the US Government will be open.

"Working nights will allow me to keep my day job at the American Express call center" stated Mr. Singh in an exclusive interview. "I am excited about this position. I always hoped I would be President someday."

A Congressional Spokesperson noted that while Mr. Singh may not fully aware of all the issues involved in the office of President, this should not be a problem because Mr. Bush was not familiar with the issues either. Mr. Singh will rely upon a script tree that will enable him to respond effectively to most topics of concern. Using these canned responses, he can address common concerns without having to understand the underlying issues at all.

"We know these scripting tools work," stated the spokesperson. "President Bush has used them successfully for years." Mr. Singh may have problems with the Texas drawl, but lately Bush has abandoned the "down home" persona in his effort to appear intelligent and on top of the Katrina situation.

Bush will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary until his final day of employment. Following a two week waiting period, he will be eligible for $240 a week unemployment for 13 weeks. Unfortunately he will not be eligible for Medicaid, as his unemployment benefits will exceed the allowed limit.

Mr. Bush has been provided the outplacement services of Manpower, Inc. to help him write a resume and prepare for his upcoming job transition. According to Manpower, Mr. Bush may have difficulties in securing a new position due to limited practical work experience. A greeter position at Wal-Mart was suggested due to Bush's extensive experience shaking hands and his phony smile.

Another possibility is Bush's re-enlistment in the Texas Air National Guard. His prior records are conspicuously vague but should he choose this option, he would likely be stationed in Waco, TX for a month, before being sent
to Iraq, a country he has visited.

"I've been there, I know all about Iraq," stated Mr. Bush, who gained invaluable knowledge of the country in a visit to the Baghdad Airport's terminal and gift shop.

Sources in Baghdad and Falluja say Mr. Bush would receive a warm reception from local Iraqis. They have asked to be provided with details of his arrival so that they might arrange an appropriate welcome.

Saturday, April 01, 2006

Happy April Fool's Day

I wonder how many times I am actually going to fall for crap today.

Since it is a Saturday.. .probably not nearly as many as I think I will.

Have a good one today and I wish you all the funnest April Fool's Day possible.

How much longer until Easter?...