Saturday, December 31, 2005

The Family Stone -- A Torn & Babbling Review

Muh wife and I went to see The Family Stone the other day.

I am extremely torn on this movie... I was asked the other day by someone that I work with if I liked it or not.

My answer keeps swaying.

Without giving anything away about the plot, the movie focusses on a large family that is growing and learning to change. They are a brutally honest bunch of folks and they must deal with the reprocussions of their honest discourse when they are forced to deal with a horrible new girlfriend and a tragicly sad event that faces the family.

It is this former that adds so much fantastic comic relief to the film. Rachel McAdams is truly a wonderful actress and makes me laugh and reminds me of so many of my artsy, down to earth friends while Luke Wilson is good in just about anything he does. Even though I can't stand Sarah Jessica Parker, she is perfectly cast as the annoying new girlfriend that is truly a horrible person to many levels.

I laughed out loud. Some of the scenes were truly funny because they were done so well and were not contrived.

Then...the serious stuff started to kick in and I was ready to reach for a gun to shoot the whole family. Craig T. Nelson (that's right... of COACH fame) was wonderful and I can't give too much away but he is great in his role as his wife played by Diane Keaton, who I will always love...forever... (I love her in everything she has ever done.), was too. Too bad that what they were acting was such contrived and predictable crap.

The sad stuff was just soooo contrived and predictable that I wanted to kill the writer, but I was torn as he was the same writer that had me laughing and cringing at some truly natural and charmingly funny scenes.

Argh...even as I write this, I am still torn.

I just wish the movie and writer would have decided to be either a comedy or a tear jerker... just pick one and run with it.

Friday, December 30, 2005

Stop Saying See Ya Next Year!

The new year is almost upon us... 38 hours or so to be exact.

For the past 48 hours, I have been barraged by a slew of people who think that they are so original by saying..

"See you next year!"

They say it excitedly.

They say it as thought they are the only ones who ever thought of it.

You aren't. You all need to chill... it isn't THAT clever.

Let me use Tucker to express how I really feel... Thank you Tucker.

Anyway... I plan on returning today or tomorrow with a review of The Family Stone... I am sure you all can't wait for that!

Thursday, December 29, 2005

Ms. PacMan + Muh Wife = The Potty Mouth Devil

I am sad to report the loss of muh wife.

I used to entertain her with my wit and charm.

I used to enjoy days and nights of frivolity and glee with her talking and laughing at whatever came out of muh mouth...

I used to smile at her knowing she was the sweet love of muh life...



She used one of her Xmas gift cards to purchase a Ms. PacMan 5-in1 TV Game that features 5 Classic Arcade Games in 1 controller -- Ms. PacMan, Galaga, Xevious, Pole Position, and Mappy.

She has been wanting this for some time and I knew it was going to be a Christmas present this year in some fashion.

I especially knew this because she waxed on poetically every time we would see one about how much "ass" she kicked as a child while playing the game...

That should have been my first signal of changes to come...

The little console was plugged in almost immediately upon entering the house. She played it and got absorbed by it pretty quickly. At the time, it made me extremely happy to see how happy the game made her...

Then...the mouth of a sailor arrived.

My dear sweet wife became a potty mouth of the highest degree...

I learned new words... what exactly is a &%#@(&?

Now... almost a week later... I am making a vow to muhself...whenever I hear the extremely distinctive Ms. PacMan sounds in the background, I am going to leave the house with my valuables... as I am not sure that muh dear sweet sailor mouth wife won't burn our house down.

My biggest concern is poor little Tucker... I hope he doesn't start using these words in public.

I love you Tangent Woman... please come back to me soon!

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

8 Hours Later

I am out of breath... at what a great game it was.

I am still happy...


Rutgers Final

I gotta say that I will get some slack from friends about RU losing... but I don't see it.

They covered the spread and played far better than anyone ever thought they would.

Records were broken in this shoot out... and I am actually satisfied with the ending.

GO RU!!!

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

85 Minutes...

...and counting...

I have my Rutgers gear on... and Tangent Woman is supporting the cause... we are off to our friends' house to watch with them and other RU grads...

Go Rutgers

Yeah... I know they are 10 point underdogs but I am sure as heck going to root for them with all my might...thank you very much.

GO RUTGERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I am thinking about trying it out.

Does anyone I know have the first season on DVD that I can borrow?


The Smelmooo

The Last Top Five Tuesday of the Year

Top Five Most Diappointing People On Celebrity Fit Club 3 -- (Dedicated to Those I Used to Love That Are Now on this Crap)
1. Jeff Conaway
2. Young MC
3. Tempestt Bledsoe
4. Countess Vaughn
5. Finally... the once gorgeous...Kelly LeBrock

Top Five Things I Watched This Weekend
1. Football...
2. Alien Nation the movie
3. Murder One -- Season Two
4. Our stomachs just get bigger and bigger...dang that was a lot of food.
5. Bewitched -- Just kidding honey...

Top Five Foods We Ate This Weekend
1. My specialty... turkey wrapped in bacon...
2. Weiners
3. Gourmet Chicken Pot Pie
4. Cookies.............................................55 different kinds....
5. Sauteed chicken with chorizo over penne pasta

Top Five Movies That Vincent Schiavelli was in. (He died this weekend and I used to think he was a perfect combination of sympathetic and weird)
1. Ghost
2. Amadeus
3. Fast Times at Ridgemont High
4. Better Off Dead
5. MacGyver

Top Five Names For the Bird that Hit Oprah's Private Jet Forcing It Down
1. Hermes
2. Ellen
3. Rosie
4. Letterman
5. Color Purple

Monday, December 26, 2005


... I am STILL Full...

Sunday, December 25, 2005

Saturday, December 24, 2005

In The Spirit... of The Season


This is the time of year when we think back to the very first Christmas, when the Three Wise Men; Gaspar, Balthazar and Hiram, went to see the baby Jesus and, according to the Book of Matthew, "presented unto Him gifts; gold, frankincense, and myrrh."

These are simple words, but if we analyze them carefully, we discover an important, yet often overlooked, theological fact: There is no mention of wrapping paper.

If there had been wrapping paper, Matthew would have said so: "And lo, the gifts were inside 600 square cubits of paper. And the paper was festooned with pictures of Frosty the Snowman. And Joseph was going to throweth it away, but Mary saideth unto him, she saideth, 'Holdeth it! That is nice paper! Saveth it for next year!' And Joseph did rolleth his eyeballs. And the baby Jesus was more interested in the paper than the frankincense."

But these words do not appear in the Bible, which means that the very first Christmas gifts were NOT wrapped. This is because the people giving those gifts had two important characteristics:

1. They were wise.
2. They were men.

Men are not big gift wrappers. Men do not understand the point of putting paper on a gift just so somebody else can tear it off. This is not just my opinion: This is a scientific fact based on a statistical survey of two guys I know.

One is Rob, who said the only time he ever wraps a gift is "if it's such a poor gift that I don't want to be there when the person opens it."

The other is Gene, who told me he does wrap gifts, but as a matter of principle never takes more than 15 seconds per gift. "No one ever had to wonder which presents daddy wrapped at Christmas," Gene said. "They were the ones that looked like enormous spitballs."

I also wrap gifts, but because of some defect in my motor skills, I can never completely wrap them. I can take a gift the size of a deck of cards and put it the exact center of a piece of wrapping paper the size of a regulation volleyball court, but when I am done folding and taping, you can still see a sector of the gift peeking out. (Sometimes I camouflage this sector with a marking pen.) If I had been an ancient Egyptian in the field of mummies, the lower half of the Pharaoh's body would be covered only by Scotch tape.

On the other hand, if you give my wife a 12-inch square of wrapping paper, she can wrap a C-130 cargo plane. My wife, like many women, actually likes wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the batteries separately, which to me is very close to being a symptom of mental illness. If it were possible, my wife would wrap each individual volt.

My point is that gift-wrapping is one of those skills like having babies that come more naturally to women than to men. That is why today I am presenting:


* Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already wrapped. If, when the recipient opens the gift, neither one of you recognizes it, you can claim that it's myrrh.

* The editors of Woman's Day magazine recently ran an item on how to make your own wrapping paper by printing a design on it with an apple sliced in half horizontally and dipped in a mixture of food coloring and liquid starch. They must be smoking crack.

* If you're giving a hard-to-wrap gift, skip the wrapping paper! Just put it inside a bag and stick one of those little adhesive bows on it. This creates a festive visual effect that is sure to delight the lucky recipient on Christmas morning:

YOUR WIFE: Why is there a Hefty trash bag under the tree?
YOU: It's a gift! See? It has a bow!
YOUR WIFE (peering into the trash bag): It's a leaf blower.
YOU: Gas-powered! Five horsepower!
YOUR WIFE: I want a divorce.
YOU: I also got you some myrrh.

In conclusion, remember that the important thing is not what you give,or how you wrap it. The important thing, during this very special time of year, is that you save the receipt.

Friday, December 23, 2005

Yep.... This was SHOCKING to me...

So... funny thing is... muh wife and I ordered some pizza last night since we were lazy as heck...AND... it was Pizza Thursday...AND... we were going to watch Goodfellas... AND this PIZZA BOX arrived...

No joke... that's a real pizza box...

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Tucker's Birfday - Revisited... With Pictures...

Sunday was Tucker's birfday... and it was a fun filled afternoon because we made it special.

I must first say that before I go too far into this that Tucker is a shelter puppy and he was found wandering the streets of West Virginia with his mother, four sisters, and brother. They found them and brought them all up to New Jersey to distribute them in our state's extremely healthy shelter network (something I discovered recently.) Since he was found wandering, they did their best to estimate when he was born... much like my friend J. :-D

We found him on and were pleased to bring him home.

As many of you know, he has been a blessing to our home as he is cute and extremely obedient. Many of you may actually think he is spoiled but I can tell you that he isn't as spoiled as many of the dogs in the neighborhood. In fact, I would go so far as to say that he is a lucky puppy but he knows who is boss and what rules he has to follow.

This brings us to his first birfday... December 18, 2005.

It was a cool morning and Tucker and I woke up late at 7:00 am. We went for a run around the yard and then came inside for a special treat of liquid food. He ate it down in seconds.

When Tangent Woman finally dragged her gorgeous ass out of bed, we opened his presents. He got a fun squeaky ball and some cheese flavored rawhides. Each of these toys have gone over extremely well with Tucker and he is still enjoying them days later.

We then took him to the dog park...where he got FILTHY. There was a lot of mud but thankfully I remembered to bring a towel with us so that he didn't filth up my car.

The ensuing bath was actually disgusting but worth it... I have never seen so much crap at the bottom of a tub.. and I have played in some pretty memorable mud bowl football games.

The rest of the day was spent relaxing...until it was time for some DOG ICE CREAM... that's right folks... I actually found some in the grocery store...

He DEVOURED Peanut Butter and Cheese flavored ice cream... I am not sure why that is so gross to me... but he loved it.

Happy birfday little man... we heart you.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Life Without Howard

Dear Radio Fans,

Last week was Howard Stern's final broadcast on free radio.

Let me get a few things out first.

I enjoy listening to Howard Stern for a variety of reasons.

1. It was pretty much the only thing on.
2. He was both funny and serious.
3. He was interesting and made me laugh...and cringe.
4. My radio was always set for KRock.

I would never consider myself a Howard-phile at all. I would never think of going to a live event of his nor would I think of calling in or being on his show. It doesn't/didn't appeal to me.

However, I really liked listening to him...and as he has gotten "good again" over the past year, I have no problem admitting it. Friends of mine might remember me bashing him for awhile there as I felt he was tired and boring without any inspiration. His announcement about Sirius changed all that.

So now... I asked myself... would I pay $12 a month to listen to him and get the rest of the original programming at Sirius?

It was an easy answer for me as my ride to work is only 1.5 miles long -- hardly long enough to get into anything decent and when muh wife and I are actually in the house... we are iPod or Cablevision music channel people first and foremost.


However...if I lived 30 miles away... I would have considered it greatly...

So now... he is gone...and for some strange reason, I feel a tad empty...but not too I am excited by the return of Leslie Gold -- The Radio Chick to the airwaves...(She will be 3-7 and will be joined by Butch and Chuck Nice -- one of the black guys on Best Week Ever.)

Life is good...and I wish Howard the best of luck in his new endeavour... he made me laugh...and I thank him for it.

The Smelmooo

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Happy Birfday to Gina


She is 44!

Top Five Tuesday

Top Five Reasons Why I Will Watch Every Single Episode of "Deal or No Deal"
1. Howie Mandel is funny...
2. I get to second guess the morons on the show...
3. I was sitting on the edge of my seat for last night's show.
4. The banker has a great head.
5. 26 hot models...

Top Five Things We Watched This Weekend
1. It remains... The Soup
2. It's a Wonderful Life -- Tangent Woman had never seen it...
3. Rosemary's Baby... in the spirit of the holidays...
4. A Very Long Engagement -- I am falling more and more for these witty French films that rely on script and wit than special effects and curse words.
5. Football... I love watching big blowouts....
Honorable Dismention -- The Interpreter

Top Five People That Most People Do Not Know...That I Love Right Now
1. Todd Heap

2. Samkon Gado
3. Kyle Boller
4. The Packers Secondary
5. Matty... for not playing McCardell

Top Five Flavors For Dog Ice Cream
1. Peanut Butter and Cheese
2. Ice Crunchies Beef Flavor
3. Minte Kissably Fresh
4. Nutly Peanut Butter
5. Butterscotch Ripple

Top Five Things I Ate For Breakfast This Morning
1. Chocolate Chip Cookie #1
2. Chocolate Chip Cookie #2
3. Chocolate Chip Cookie #3
4. Chocolate Chip Cookie #4
5. Chocolate Chip Cookie #5

Top Five Stupid Things Going On In the World
1. Tom Cruise is still spewing his Dianetics shit.
2. Katie Holmes is still listening to it...
3. Britney Spears is suing Us Weekly about an alleged sex tape...
4. Kevin Federline was allowed back in the house...
5. Did I hear rumors that Paris and Nicole are back to being friends? I don't give a shit.

Monday, December 19, 2005

Taking a Break

Very long day today...

I am taking a mental break...

Sunday, December 18, 2005

Happy Birfday Tucker

He is 1 today.

and still... 24 pounds....

Little fella...

Saturday, December 17, 2005



If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook Off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili Taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:



Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.



Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.



Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.



Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT. just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?



Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.



Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.



Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.



Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report

Friday, December 16, 2005

Weekend Fun

This past weekend was a tremendously relaxing and fun weekend.

I/We did a bunch of things that just made me happy... or... as you will see... scared....

1. Cool Hand Luke -- Because of muh wife's list of things to do in 1001 days, we watched Cool Hand Luke. I really liked the movie and George Kennedy who I know as the police chief in the Naked Gun movies was much better than I could have imagined... THEN... I saw that he won an Academy Award for his performance. Very cool ...and very cool movie... Gritty and good.

2. Bowling -- We went bowling with some friends of ours over the weekend. We had fun and I don't know what happened, but I really turned it on in games 2 and 3. It was a close game each time and then...BLAMMO... STRIKES galore! I finally figued out the lane. The one negative of the place was that there was a homeless guy sitting about 6 lanes away and he wasn't doing anything but sitting in a very crowded bowling alley. Then.. he pulled out his lighter and we swore he was trying to light his hand... on fire... not cool...

3. Rossi's -- For anyone that knows Rossi's, you know that they have the best damn burgers in the world. We GORGED ourselves on them. I mean... GORGED.

4. Dinner Planning -- We are hosting Christmas dinner this year at our house (actually on Christmas Eve), so muh wife was practicing the main dish that she wants to make. I am in charge of appetizers and filling up our guests bellies before they even get to her food. heh heh... It went well... and just made me happy.

5. Ice Chopping -- Long story short, when they plowed the streets on Friday, we ended up with a rather large chunk of snow right before our driveway. This created a huge ice patch directly in front of our driveway... I love taking the ice chopper out and getting that stuff out of there... good times...

6. Our tree looks great! Nothing like decorating a tree with a roaring fire going... :)

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Don't want to send it out, but here for your viewing pleasure...... Thanks to Karen

Welcome to the 2005 Christmas Edition of Getting to Know Your Friends!

1. Egg Nog or Hot Chocolate? Hot Chocolate... is there anything "grosser" than egg nog?

2. Does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree? Santa should only bring one gift to the house... and it should be for the whole family. Kids shouldn't really believe that there is a guy who gives them stuff...and then expect us to not get mad when a stranger gives them candy to entice them into his car.

3. Colored lights on tree/house or white? WHITE.

4. Do you hang mistletoe? Nope...the whole thing seems kind of stupid to me.

5. When do you put your decorations up? Pretty much 2-3 weeks before Christmas... although if it goes up before THanksgiving...I want to shoot you.

6. What is your favorite Christmas dish (excluding dessert)? I am always partial to anything that is red meat.

7. Favorite Christmas memory as a child? The blinking red light of the video camera.

8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa? Did anyone know that Santa always seems to write poorly and with his left hand?

9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve? if waiting until Midnight counts ...then yes...otherwise... now.

10. What kind of cookies does Santa get set out for him? Chocolate chip or oatmeal butterscotch.

11. Snow! Love it or Dread it? LOVE IT

12. Do you remember your favorite gift? No... I love the day...not necessarily the presents.

13. What's the most important thing about Christmas for you? Just being alive...

14. What is your favorite Christmas Dessert? Cookies, cookies, cookies.

15. What is your favorite Christmas tradition? The blinking light of the video camera.

16. What tops your tree? An angel or Santa Claus... I am going to trade them on and off.

17. Which do you prefer Giving or Receiving? far...

18. What is your favorite Christmas Carol? Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas as sung by Chrissy Hynde

19. Candy Canes! Yuck or Yum? Yummy. Especially the fruity ones or the little ones... the big minty ones are just too much commitment.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Good Concert Year

It is quickly approaching the end of 2005. A lot has happened this year in my life that I am proud of.

1. I got a very cool promotion.

2. We got a very cool puppy named Tucker -- just in case you didn't know his name.

3. I have had a very good first year of marriage... if this is the hardest... what a piece of cake marriage will be.

Even with all of these great things, I am very impressed with my concert goings in 2005. I was able to see three of my top five acts in concert.

The "concert" year began in May when muh wife, muh brother and his lady joined me at the Continental Airlines Arena to see U2. This was truly one of the most spectacular shows I have ever seen. It was a real treat and for a timely description of the show, please click here. I just love watching City of Blinding Lights live... amazing song with amazing lights with an amazing performance...

(Where we were parked)

In August, muh wife and I headed up to Madison Square Garden to see Neil Diamond on a Hot August Night... the show was incredibly different than the U2 show but we had a blast as we were one of the youngin's in the audience. It is also a pretty kick ass feeling to see our wedding song -- Forever in Blue Jeans performed live by the man himself! Click here...

(From Saving Silverman...)

Finally, in December, I went to see Barenaked Ladies -- the ultimate in a live performance. I was lucky enough to be in the front row and got muhself an autographed drumstick. I don't mean to beat this dead horse... but here is that link as well.

This was a fabulous year for many things and I thankful for much of it... especially good music and puppies...

The A-Team: Season Three (2006)

How frigging happy does this make me?

Click here...

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Cutest Dog Ever

Tucker recently met with Santa Claws...

Top Five Tuesday With a HO HO HO

Top Five Christmas Related Actions From the Weekend
1. We got our Christmas tree and decorated it. Tucker isn't a big fan of it... so that is good.
2. We experimented with our Christmas Eve dinner and it didn't turn out perfect, but it was good enough to note what was needed to make it perfect!
3. Shopping at Target wasn't bad. Yeah... it was packed... but I didn't wait on a line... I was literally in and out.
4. All of muh wife's presents arrived in the mail. I don't have any hanging like last year.
5. Getting a wreath with a bow. (only one person is going to laugh at this.)

Top Five Worst Sports Things About the Weekend
1. Rutgers Basketball
2. Raiders Football
3. The Duke game was boring
4. My fantasy team lost -- thankfully it wasn't the playoffs.
5. The Giants lost... but.. on the flip side... Eli keeps showing what a chump he is. 3 INTS. CHUMP

Top Five Richard Pryor Memories
1. The Toy
2. Saturday Night Live with Chevy Chase (They played the clip on SNL this week!)
3. Superman III (yeah yeah... I know... but it was one of my first the movie theater movies... I loved it.)
4. Stir Crazy... "Yea, that's right! That's right! We bad!"

5. and the #1 memory... BREWSTER's MILLIONS!!!

Top Five Better Things To Transplant Than a Face
1. A brain into our President's head.
2. Any body part that my "Junk Mail" folder covers in those emails.
3. Some quality into all of country music
4. Holiday spirit into these sour pusses that are upset about the removal of the word Christmas from stuff... My thought... stop being so frigging whiny and just exemplify the holiday spirit which is supposed to be INCLUSIVE and full of love instead of exclusive.
5. Talent into the Raiders

Top Five People That This Story is Relevant Too (Because a WWE personality really will be on "Dancing with the Stars," but it is most definitely NOT Shawn Michaels. Instead, it's going to be Stacy Keibler.)
1. Muh brother
2. Jamie
3. Chrissy B.omatic
4. Rick Scaia
5. Our wives...

Monday, December 12, 2005

Survivor Correction

I had actually only won SEVEN in a row. The series score is 7-3.

Survivor 1 in Borneo -- Richard Hatch (No Game)
Survivor 2 in Australia -- Tina Wesson (Ashfault!)
Survivor 3 in Africa -- Ethan Zohn (Ashfault!)
Survivor 4 in Marquesas -- Vecepia Towery (Pork Chop Express)
Survivor 5 in Thailand -- Brian Heidik (Pork Chop Express)
Survivor 6 in Amazon -- Jenna Morasca (Pork Chop Express)
Survivor 7 in Pearl Islands -- Sandra Diaz-Twine (Pork Chop Express)
Survivor 8 ALL STARS -- Amber Brkich (Pork Chop Express)
Survivor 9 in Vanuatu -- Chris Daugherty (Pork Chop Express)
Survivor 10 in Palau -- Tom Westman (Pork Chop Express)
Survivor 11 in Guatemala -- Danni Boatwright (Ashfault!)


That was quite a streak I had going. I won EIGHT in a row... and now... a new streak has started... 1 in a row... of losing. That's alright.. I have at least 3 more seasons to go to begin a new half assed streak.

I was having such difficulty last night as muh will attest since I had to root for Stephenie...the chick I abhor more than any other Survivor player and that includes Katie from last year -- manipulating jerky face.

My individual comments will continue...

Rafe...What is going on with the "nice" players the past two years? QUIT CONCEDING A MILLION DOLLARS (read: Ian)

Stephenie... Crap... I couldn't believe I was rooting for you....

Lydia... BOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIINGGGGGGGGGGGG.... I know I am supposed to love you but were nuts...

Danni... Congratulations...and you looked stunning in the finale...

Overall show... This is still one of my more favorite incarnations of Survivor...


Tucker's Nuts

Lydia (8) -- Booted Week 14
Judd (5) -- Booted Week 12
Jamie (12) -- Booted Week 10
Brandon (9) -- Booted Week 8
Blake (13) -- Booted Week 5
Brooke (1) -- Booted Week 4
Brianna (4) -- Booted Week 3
Morgan (16)-- Booted Week 2

Danni (3) -- WINNER
Brian (7) BOOTED WEEK SIX!!!!
Margaret (14) BOOTED WEEK SIX!!!!
Jim (15) BOOTED WEEK ONE!!!!

Bobby Jon -- Booted Week 9


... Phew... I am now "fully clean..."

I am "Zestfully" clean...

Stupid song is in my head...

Sunday, December 11, 2005

Beware of New Computer Viruses

The George Bush Virus - Causes your Computer to keep looking for viruses of mass destruction.

The John Kerry Virus - Stores data on both sides of the disk and causes little purple hearts to appear on screen.

The Clinton Virus - Gives you a permanent Hard Drive with NO memory

The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to keep counting and re-counting

The Bob Dole Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy

The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did

The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back

The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes

The Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200 GB hard drive shrinks to 100 GB, then slowly expands to re-stabilize around 350 GB

The Ellen Degeneres Virus - Disks can no longer be inserted

The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care

The Michael Jackson Virus - Only attacks minor files

The Lorena Bobbitt Virus - Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy ... then discards it through Windows

Saturday, December 10, 2005

Bragging About Daddy

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did
for a living.

All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic, businessman,
salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.

But little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the
teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic
dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men
and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good,
he will go home with some guy and make love with him for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other
children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to
ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," the boy said, "He works for the Republican National Committee and
helped re-elect George Bush, but I was too embarrassed to say that in
front of the other kids."

Friday, December 09, 2005



The game is now almost done. There is ONE more episode to go and the Pork Chop Express is feeling that his 8 game streak is going to come to a crashing end this time around. He can only hope that Lydia pulls out a miracle OR the person he has hated more than anyone else in Survivor history wins to force a tie. How sad is he right now....The only saving factor for him is that he has at least a 25% chance of winning it straight out.

My individual comments will continue... are or should I say... were... muh wife's favortie player until this week. Interesting editting there my friend...Mr. Burnett. Why would you pump us up on this guy all season and then...finally show him to be the self righeous pompous prick that he is?

Stephenie... Crap... you were so redeeming this week.. I feel bi-polar.

Cindy... you made the right decision to keep the car... you left the game and said...that you would be thinking of them while looking through the moon roof of the car...I was waiting for someone to shout... "The winner gets a car too dope!"

Lydia... I am not even sure you were in this episode.

Danni... I would comment about you...but i don't think you have any body left....

Overall show... This is actually one of my more favorite incarnations of Survivor...


Tucker's Nuts

Lydia (8)
Judd (5) -- Booted Week 12
Jamie (12) -- Booted Week 10
Brandon (9) -- Booted Week 8
Blake (13) -- Booted Week 5
Brooke (1) -- Booted Week 4
Brianna (4) -- Booted Week 3
Morgan (16)-- Booted Week 2

Danni (3)
Rafe (6)
Brian (7) BOOTED WEEK SIX!!!!
Margaret (14) BOOTED WEEK SIX!!!!
Jim (15) BOOTED WEEK ONE!!!!

Bobby Jon -- Booted Week 9

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Happy Birfday Tracie

Sorry it's one day late... you know I was on time with my card and email.

*wink* *wink*

A Puppy's First Day in the Snow

Over the weekend, muh wife and I were treated to Tucker's first real snow experience.

(Side Note -- Would you believe that he is almost an entire year old?)

A couple of inches had fallen on the ground and I was excited about letting him just run around like a madman in it.

I opened the door and he skidded down the stairs, leaving cute little footprints throughout.

For the next minute or so, Tucker sniffed and walked delicately around in the snow. He seemed to be evaluating this new found ground situation since he is pretty used to his pee induced patchwork of green and dead grass.

Then... he essentially buried his head in the snow. His head popped up in a hurried fashion and he bolted like a bat out of hell. He ran around in circles and with each dramatic turn, scooped up a mouthful of snow.

Mouthful after mouthful after mouthful.

Turn after turn after turn.

5 minutes later, he was either full or tired so he was ready to go inside. He ran up the stairs and waited patiently in the way only Tucker can do so.

It makes me feel so good and guilty at the same time.

You can be happy that I didn't show you the peeing picture... but I will say one thing about him eating snow... it means he has to go outside a lot more.

Here's to Tucker -- Snow Puppy!

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Random Thoughts On a Wednesday

I have so many things in my head... and I have so much WORK to get done that I am not sure what is going to come spilling from my brain...Most of these initial thoughts seem to be about idiot drivers...

I was almost killed today on Route 287. I cannot... for the life of me figure out why this group of 6 cars decided to stop in the middle of a high speed exit ramp on Route 287. I came to a screeching halt and manuevered the Big Ole Blue Buick around the right of these cars. It was dangerous... but I survived... my bottle of soda didn't... but I survived...

I was in the left hand turn only lane trying to turn onto Route 27 by the Pines Manor... the line was long but after 2 cycles, it was finally time for me to go through. That's when someone came whipping up the "straight only" lane and made the illegal left hand turn almost into my car. This person then swooped across two lanes of traffic to make the quickest left hand turn in history into the Pines Manor. If I hadn't seen it with my own two eyes...I wouldn't have believed it... amazing...

Look at the picture below... it sums up my feelings on today's driving experiences....

Muh wife and I finally received our copy of Kicking and Screaming in the mail starring Will Farrel. I really must say that I am upset that I will neverget those 95 minutes back... EVER.

On the flip side, we also watched Murderball over the weekend -- a documentary about the United States Paralympic Rugby team. Phenomenal movie people... absolutely exceptional...

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Top Five Tuesday

Top Five Best Things About Sitting in the Front Row
1. The speakers are literally on the side of you. You can carry regular conversations as though you were in a regular chain restaurant with flair.
2. It isn't a mosh pit... no touching allowed so you can enjoy the show...
3. Tyler gave me one of his drum sticks. Much love...
4. Just the thrill of walking past everyone...
5. They opened up the exit right next to we walked out and were out of the parking lot immediately.

Top Five Worst Things About Sitting in the Front Row
1. My big head probably was blocking the first 10 rows.
2. I had friends in the back that recognized my big head...that depresses me and muh head.
3. I had to lean back a lot because straining my eyes to see whole stage as the two lead singers spread out was tough.
4. It took longer to get to the bathroom...and I love the bathroom.
5. I could only come up with four.

Top Five Reasons Why the Iggles Suck
1. Seattle isn't that good... they had their subs in ...near the beginning of the third quarter!
2. They have a jail in their stadium...if that isn't a sign for hoodlumism... I don't know what is.
3. I hate them...
4. They aren't the Raiders... OR... Rutgers....
5. Because...

Top Five Entertainment Stories That Actually Made Me Dumber Just Thinking About Them
1. Abba: We will NEVER Re-form
2. The Last Walk of Tyra Banks
3. Ted Danson's Latest Move
4. Turmoil Could Lead to SAG Split
5. Couric, Lauer and the Missed Parade news

Top Five Reasons Why Snow is Fun (Oh Wait... We Didn't Get Any...I Hate Weathermen Too...)
1. You can use it as an excuse to sit on your ass all day.
2. You have to stay warm.
3. You get to use a snow blower and watch snow smash against the side of your house.
4. We used some of our new appliances and tools that we don't normally use.
5. it is so much fun watching our next door neighbors about 8 and 4 try using their 3 foot sleds on a 3 foot hill.

Top Five People I Want to See Snowbound in a Cabin in a Far Off Country
1. Condoleeza Rice
2. George W. Bush
3. Jennifer Lopez
4. Scott Peterson
5. William Shatner

Monday, December 05, 2005

Reflections From the Front Row

As I have so eloquently bragged about, I was fortunate enough to snag a pair of front tickets to the Barenaked Ladies show on Saturday night.

I got them last minute and I had the tickets left at the Will Call window for my pick up. I walked up excitedly as I waited for J to show up on a very, very cold Saturday night in god's country, South Jersey. I proudly stated my name and asked for my two tickets. The woman behind the window perked up and started searching for my tickets.

10 minutes and 35 apologies later, they finally found my tickets -- under the initial for my first name... weird... but ok. They scared me there for about 9 minutes and 52 seconds.

J finally arrived and we made our way down to the front row. We knew we were in a special place when we looked at the signs in the theater and saw that each section was marked above each door -- to assist with seating. Our section was nowhere to be found. The nice old lady at the section 3, 4, 5 entryway informed us that we had special seats so we were able to get to our seats from ANY section.

Excited by the long walk, we walked with purpose and drive. So much so...that when we got to a pair of steps that separated the back section from the front section, we missed them...rather... I missed them and took a modified spill down the steps.

Embarrassed but strong since my seats were far better than those a-holes that were laughing at me, we made our way down.

"This is where we...weren't..."

At most concerts, there is a space betweent he audience and the stage... with proper security in place to prevent a rush on the stage.... there was none of that. It was so laid back that I made sure that I sat ..only for a few seconds... on the stage during intermission. We were literally in the spot where we were sweat on by the performers... that's frigging close...

So the show went on and on and on... and it was awesome... I must make one observation about why being in the front row is cool. You are not blasted by the speakers. J and I could ..if we wanted to... carry on a regular conversation like we were in a crowded tourist restaurant. No screaming... no close talking... just regular conversation...

We also felt kind of dopey standing up front because we felt as though our humungous heads were blocking the rest of the audience. That's just silly talk though.

So... sadly... the concert came to an end... and we were sad... but not sad enough since we were close enough for these highlights:

1. I shook hands with Stephen and Kevin.
2 I highfived Jim.
3. J was tossed a special BNL guitar pick to Kevin.
4. Tyler handed me one of his used drum sticks that was also autographed! I have tried taking pictures of it and have failed with every attempt.

It was a great night... with one down side.... I knew muh honey was at the Bon Jovi show... and her nose was bleeding... but at least she had a killer time!

I heart Barenaked Ladies....

Sunday, December 04, 2005

What did you do last night?

This is what I did....

Saturday, December 03, 2005


1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

1) Growing up is mandatory; growing old is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

Friday, December 02, 2005

A Tale of Persistence, Cheapness, and Being Lucky as Sh*t

About three weeks ago, muh friend J and I decided that we wanted to see a random Barenaked Ladies show in South Jersey. Muh wife was already in possession of some tickets to see Bon Jovi with her sisters that same night so I was free as a bird.

By the time we made the decision to go, Ticketmaster was out of tickets. I began to search and bid on a variety of auctions on eBay for BNL tickets. We had an amount that we were willing to pay which was about 10-15 dollars over face value per ticket.

Even up until very late on wednesday night, we were constantly getting outbid -- even losing auctions in the last 15 seconds. It was getting frustrating but we just weren't willing to dish out top dollars for mediocre seats. It just wasn't in my being.

We must have looked at 30+ auctions and bid on the 15 or so that were reasonable. We were cheap and we were persistent.

Then... for some strange reason... I decided to give Ticketmaster another try.

What I found was two tickets to Section 11 in this seating configuration.

As you can see, Section 11 is nowhere to be found in the entire listing. I got a little I called the theater...

"Umm... hi... I just purchased two tickets to see BNL on Saturday and it says for section 11...and I can't find Section 11 anywhere on your website."

Her response, "That's because that is the section where they sweat on you."

"So... you are saying we are in the pit?"

"Yes... and I am assuming that you purchased the two tickets that I JUST put up for sale on Ticketmaster about 3 mintues ago."

"I am... I bought them about 3 minutes ago."

She said, "I was just thinking that someone was going to find these tickets and think about how much of a lucky day they had...."

I replied, "You are right... I did think that...and now I am thinking that I love you... Thank you so much..."

She laughed and we parted ways....

Literally... a whim and a few seconds either way and I wouldn't have these tickets... sometimes... life is awesome...

P.S. We are in the FRONT row... 2 seats off the exact center of the stage... AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, December 01, 2005

A Wedding Present For Muh Wife and I

Over the weekend, muh wife and I went to a wedding.

It was a lovely affair... and I was proud to be a part of one of the best weddings I have ever been to.

However, about half way through the reception/dinner, I started to get a little ansy. I got up and went to the men's room which was on the other side of banquet hall.

The wedding we were attending was one of three celebrations at the establishment. There was another wedding and a 15 year high school reunion...

After I finished peeing, I wandered right when I should have wandered left to rejoin muh wife and friends... I ended up in the 15 year reunion celebration.

I was the only guy with a tux yet I had no problem walking right up to the bar and getting myself a drink. I made small talk with a stranger for a minute and pretended to know the math teacher he was talking about. To get out of the conversation, I then announced that I had to "pee." He was pleased to let me go.

As I left, I picked up one of the "give aways" that were sitting on the table immediately to the right of the exit. It was a CD. It didn't list the song titles or anything else. I decided...hey... why not and left with the CD.

I eventually made it back to the table at the wedding and announced my find after I was questioned about what took me so long. The table laughed and giggled and I knew I had done right in the world.

Last night, muh wife and I were on a long car ride and we decided to find out what was on the CD. It was a fun mix of Poison, Def LEppard, Whitesnake and more... even Night Ranger... it was a GREAT CD.

That's when muh wife...the same woman who refuses to take in a bag of candy or a bottle of soda into a movie because she thinks it's wrong turned to me and said...

"I am so glad you stole this CD..."

I learn something new every day....

Ebay Auction - God I Hate the Iggles

Thank you Bowman...