Making money on something I abhor.
This is funny though.
Tuesday, August 31, 2004
Would You Be My Student -- Revisited
So... the woman at the North Brunswick Adult Education office called me.
Turns out they have a record turnout for my class.
They want me to teach another one.
Hrm... I think I will.
Turns out they have a record turnout for my class.
They want me to teach another one.
Hrm... I think I will.
Top 5 Tuesday!
Top 5 Tuesday!
Top Five Things I Learned From My Conversation With Four Old Ladies From Oregon in Central New York
1. Rest stops in New Jersey are so much better than those in Oregon because they offer restaurants. Rest stops in Oregon are primarilly outhouses. According to them, even old ladies would prefer to pee in the woods than in the "stinky outhouses."
2. Oregon is also a state with Full Service only. They like to beckon someone else to pump their gas.
3. Politically speaking, Oregon's biggest problem is that they had some dopes that ruined the last election by voting for Nader. They identified me quickly as having a gay governor, but felt that Oregon's problems with the Nader issue were more dramatic.
4. Oregon is big.
5. Oregon is the fastest growing state in the nation, but it also has one of the highest unemployment rates in the country. Go figure.
Top Five Improvements I Would Make to the Complimentary ContinentalBreakfast at the Wolf Road Days Inn
1. I would buy the food fresh that day, not go to the bread outlet and serve that food.
2. I would have fresh bagels served. Have you ever noticed that bagels that are not made in the New York metropolitan area seem to suck? My old college roommate believed it was the salt water. He figured if he bottled it and took it someplace south, he could make a mint.
3. Can anyone say Make Your Own Waffles??!?!?!
4. Fresh fruit. Often times, these places have old fruit. This place had no fruit at all.
5. This isn't an improvement but something we noticed. There were people who didn't know how to operate a bagel slicer. AMAZING!!!!!!!
Top Five Ways to Shut Up Muh Honey
1. Mention porn and my desire to purchase it...especially if it features anything with Shana Hiatt.
2. Ask her what kind of mustard she wants on her sandwich. She loves mustard so much it is tough for her to even decide.
3. Tell her that she can't have any pickle slices.
4. Pop in a horror movie.
5. Turn on WWE.
Top Five Reasons Why Summer is the Worst Season
1. Belly Shirts -- Yes... when worn by the right person, these are incredibly sexy, but TOO MANY PEOPLE WHO WEAR THESE SHOULD NOT!
2. My eyeballs sometimes sweat.
3. That irritating way my glasses fog up when I walk outside. I HATE THAT.
4. Sleeping in sweat.
5. Stepping out of a shower and gettting wet again within 15 seconds.
Top Five TV Series Coming Out on DVD This Month That I am Excited About
1. Mork and Mindy -- Who doesn't love Robin Williams during his crack years.
2. Laverne and Shirley -- Who doesn't love miss Kitty and milk and Pepsi let alone the Big Ragu...
3. Knight Rider -- Who doesn't love David Hasselhoff when he was only a mediocre sex symbol?
4. Three's Company -- Need I say anything else? Season Two this time around.
5. Who's the Boss or Punky Brewster -- The choice is so damn hard.
Top Five Merits of a Buick over a Miata
1. The sheer size.
2. Coolness Factor
3. On moving day, you can actually put stuff in it.
4. A Buick has never been regarded as an extension of a middle aged guy's penis.
5. Chicks Dig Buicks
Hasta La VistaNews Reporters That Ad Lib...
...sometimes give me a splitting headache.
Bill Evans told his viewership this morning that they would need their rain gear until it cleared up later this morning.
The anchor said, "G.O.P. Galloshes On Parade" Then... he giggled.
What was he giggling at?
Bill Evans told his viewership this morning that they would need their rain gear until it cleared up later this morning.
The anchor said, "G.O.P. Galloshes On Parade" Then... he giggled.
What was he giggling at?
Monday, August 30, 2004
Dear Diary...
Dear Diary,
I had a super duper fun weekend this weekend. To sum it up, I drank lots of beer, ate LOTS of food, and watched women in stilletto heels and tight skirts pretend they were having a nice time in the humid sun in upstate New York.
In all seriousness however Dear Diary, I had a great weekend that taught me a lot. Here are some of the important lessons that I learned that I want to pass on to you Dear Diary.
1. When you go to the bathroom at 4:30 in the afternoon -- on a hot and humid afternoon -- at a race track, you are bound to meet interesting characters. The most interesting guy was a totally smashed fella that decided he would yell out to everyone on line the following line -- "Anyone want some steamed hot dogs? I've got one for you right here." My advice is to become this person's friend as he has the ability to make your life unpleasant...quickly.
2. Sometimes drunk people will bump into you as you walk through a mass of people. This mullet headed creep with tattoos that were more prevalent than clothing said to me after running smack iunto me. "Sorry... sorry... I am not lost and that is because I am lost." He actually appeared to think about his comment before he said it.
3. Apparently, if you are a big bald guy, you can take aluminum cans and use some sort of suction thingy to get them to stick out like horns from your own head. These guys are smart to think this stuff up. If you excitedly take their picture, they might even say... "If you send that picture to XXXX product, I want a check!" Yeah... what is your name and address...???
4. Australia is a land where wimps come from. Some would say criminals or scoundrels. I learned it is where wimps come from. They sure can't handle their beer. This comes straight from the mouth of guy married to one.
5. Damn Good Jerky has a website... damngoodjerky.com
6, We went on the busiest weekend of the year Dear Diary. It was the weekend of the Travers Stakes. There was an estimated 75,000 people packed into Saratoga racetrack and we were just a lowly group of 9. Because this is easily the biggest weekend of the year, the lot we normally park in that charges $10 on most weekends upped its price to $25 for our car. We hemmed and hawed but we dished out the money. It worked out to our benefit...as a torrential thunder and lightning storm hit the area and we had a extremely short walk tot he car while others walked literally a mile or so. This prompted a new theory. $25 was well worth it this year.
7. When you use a Brush Ups -- you know that lovely new product that lets you brush your teeth with a cardboard apparatus you put on your finger -- your finger gets sweaty. Almost gross that your finger actually is collecting sweat as it cleans.
8. You can hear voices when you sleep. They might even sound like the lady that talks to you on your cell phone voice mail. SHHHHUUUTTTT UUUUPPPP...
9. When they say no glass bottles, you can bet your ass that I am going to sneak in at least one bottle made of glass. VIVA LA PICKLES!!!!
With that Dear Diary, I will leave you. I hope to teach you many more lessons. Tomorrow, I hope to come up with some Top Five Lists. Also, if you want to see some of the fun pictures I took Dear Diary... you know what website to find them.
Love,
Smelmooo
I had a super duper fun weekend this weekend. To sum it up, I drank lots of beer, ate LOTS of food, and watched women in stilletto heels and tight skirts pretend they were having a nice time in the humid sun in upstate New York.
In all seriousness however Dear Diary, I had a great weekend that taught me a lot. Here are some of the important lessons that I learned that I want to pass on to you Dear Diary.
1. When you go to the bathroom at 4:30 in the afternoon -- on a hot and humid afternoon -- at a race track, you are bound to meet interesting characters. The most interesting guy was a totally smashed fella that decided he would yell out to everyone on line the following line -- "Anyone want some steamed hot dogs? I've got one for you right here." My advice is to become this person's friend as he has the ability to make your life unpleasant...quickly.
2. Sometimes drunk people will bump into you as you walk through a mass of people. This mullet headed creep with tattoos that were more prevalent than clothing said to me after running smack iunto me. "Sorry... sorry... I am not lost and that is because I am lost." He actually appeared to think about his comment before he said it.
3. Apparently, if you are a big bald guy, you can take aluminum cans and use some sort of suction thingy to get them to stick out like horns from your own head. These guys are smart to think this stuff up. If you excitedly take their picture, they might even say... "If you send that picture to XXXX product, I want a check!" Yeah... what is your name and address...???
4. Australia is a land where wimps come from. Some would say criminals or scoundrels. I learned it is where wimps come from. They sure can't handle their beer. This comes straight from the mouth of guy married to one.
5. Damn Good Jerky has a website... damngoodjerky.com
6, We went on the busiest weekend of the year Dear Diary. It was the weekend of the Travers Stakes. There was an estimated 75,000 people packed into Saratoga racetrack and we were just a lowly group of 9. Because this is easily the biggest weekend of the year, the lot we normally park in that charges $10 on most weekends upped its price to $25 for our car. We hemmed and hawed but we dished out the money. It worked out to our benefit...as a torrential thunder and lightning storm hit the area and we had a extremely short walk tot he car while others walked literally a mile or so. This prompted a new theory. $25 was well worth it this year.
7. When you use a Brush Ups -- you know that lovely new product that lets you brush your teeth with a cardboard apparatus you put on your finger -- your finger gets sweaty. Almost gross that your finger actually is collecting sweat as it cleans.
8. You can hear voices when you sleep. They might even sound like the lady that talks to you on your cell phone voice mail. SHHHHUUUTTTT UUUUPPPP...
9. When they say no glass bottles, you can bet your ass that I am going to sneak in at least one bottle made of glass. VIVA LA PICKLES!!!!
With that Dear Diary, I will leave you. I hope to teach you many more lessons. Tomorrow, I hope to come up with some Top Five Lists. Also, if you want to see some of the fun pictures I took Dear Diary... you know what website to find them.
Love,
Smelmooo
Sunday, August 29, 2004
What makes a joke funny?
What makes a joke funny?
The obvious answer is the punch line, but a joke takes a lot more than that. It requires the person telling the joke to be skilled in timing and delivery. It requires a patient audience and it requires an open mind.
Punch lines to jokes are the culmination of an agreement between the listener and the teller.
The teller agrees to provide a clear and coherent relation of the joke that might involve a minute or so of set up time. In this relation of the joke, the teller will sometimes use hand motions, body language, or facial expressions to help convey the joke.
The listener agrees to pay attention and not interrupt the teller. The listener agrees to absorb the effort of facial expressions, body language and large words to gain a complete and deep undertanding of what is being related to him.
So...
If all of this is required for a good joke.... then why is this punch line -- absent from the joke itself -- still one of the funniest things I have ever heard?
"Rectum? Damn near killed em!"
The obvious answer is the punch line, but a joke takes a lot more than that. It requires the person telling the joke to be skilled in timing and delivery. It requires a patient audience and it requires an open mind.
Punch lines to jokes are the culmination of an agreement between the listener and the teller.
The teller agrees to provide a clear and coherent relation of the joke that might involve a minute or so of set up time. In this relation of the joke, the teller will sometimes use hand motions, body language, or facial expressions to help convey the joke.
The listener agrees to pay attention and not interrupt the teller. The listener agrees to absorb the effort of facial expressions, body language and large words to gain a complete and deep undertanding of what is being related to him.
So...
If all of this is required for a good joke.... then why is this punch line -- absent from the joke itself -- still one of the funniest things I have ever heard?
"Rectum? Damn near killed em!"
Saturday, August 28, 2004
Netflix Failed Me
In the spirit of the Olympic games, I moved the movie Miracle up the queue so I could watch it a couple of nights ago while muh honey was out with her sisters.
I eagerly opened the envelope and popped the DVD into the player to watch the preview as a way to psyche myself up for the Thursday night television viewing.
The DVD player asked me politely (it ALWAYS says please) to insert a playable disk.
I took the DVD out, examined it and discovered the problem.
It was broken... right from the center all the way to the end. That's one thing. The thing that got me most was that someone had scotch taped it back together. Why didn't Netflix notice this? argh... now I am going to have to watch wrestling on the big TV.
I eagerly opened the envelope and popped the DVD into the player to watch the preview as a way to psyche myself up for the Thursday night television viewing.
The DVD player asked me politely (it ALWAYS says please) to insert a playable disk.
I took the DVD out, examined it and discovered the problem.
It was broken... right from the center all the way to the end. That's one thing. The thing that got me most was that someone had scotch taped it back together. Why didn't Netflix notice this? argh... now I am going to have to watch wrestling on the big TV.
Friday, August 27, 2004
Sometimes... Life Humbles You
Sometimes... Life Humbles You
I went to Eckerd recently to buy something that we shall now refer to as "potentially embarrassing." I was not comfortable with buying this item, and I just wanted to get in and out of the store as quickly as possible. I didn't want anyone to see what I was buying let alone what happened to me.
So I get to the front counter with my embarrassing item, a package of four light bulbs, and some detergent. I put them all on the counter after waiting five minutes for a pair of people who thought Eckerd is the right forum to negotiate prices on outdoor lighting. (Side note -- If you are buying your outdoor lighting at Eckerd, you do not have a right to bargain. Just don't.)
I finally reached the front of the line. At this point, a line had begun to develop behind me and I was glad to see the girl behind the counter was willing to assist me by quickly scanning the embarrassing item and hiding it behind one of the two bottles of detergent. She then took it a step further by scanning one of the bottles, moved the item behind the recently scanned bottle and scanned the second bottle.
This is where it got sticky. I was starting to feel relieved that possibly the line of 4 older ladies behind me hadn't seen my item when the cash register girl lifted up the package of light bulbs.
Glass poured out of the container of light bulbs.
I was now the center of attention and I had to go back to get another package of light bulbs. I heard the collective groan of the old ladies behind me but I went to get the light bulbs anyway.
I made my way back to the counter and what did I see? The girl behind the counter had spread everything out with embarrassing item out in full view to clean up the shards of glass.
I was wearing a purple shirt that day. My face went a deep shade of purple. Everybody knows about my item now.
At this point, I am officially mortified.
For some reason, I apologized to the sweet old ladies behind me and they all nodded at me knowingly. As I left the store, I only thought one thing. "God, I hope they thought I was apologizing for the lightbulbs being broken."
I went to Eckerd recently to buy something that we shall now refer to as "potentially embarrassing." I was not comfortable with buying this item, and I just wanted to get in and out of the store as quickly as possible. I didn't want anyone to see what I was buying let alone what happened to me.
So I get to the front counter with my embarrassing item, a package of four light bulbs, and some detergent. I put them all on the counter after waiting five minutes for a pair of people who thought Eckerd is the right forum to negotiate prices on outdoor lighting. (Side note -- If you are buying your outdoor lighting at Eckerd, you do not have a right to bargain. Just don't.)
I finally reached the front of the line. At this point, a line had begun to develop behind me and I was glad to see the girl behind the counter was willing to assist me by quickly scanning the embarrassing item and hiding it behind one of the two bottles of detergent. She then took it a step further by scanning one of the bottles, moved the item behind the recently scanned bottle and scanned the second bottle.
This is where it got sticky. I was starting to feel relieved that possibly the line of 4 older ladies behind me hadn't seen my item when the cash register girl lifted up the package of light bulbs.
Glass poured out of the container of light bulbs.
I was now the center of attention and I had to go back to get another package of light bulbs. I heard the collective groan of the old ladies behind me but I went to get the light bulbs anyway.
I made my way back to the counter and what did I see? The girl behind the counter had spread everything out with embarrassing item out in full view to clean up the shards of glass.
I was wearing a purple shirt that day. My face went a deep shade of purple. Everybody knows about my item now.
At this point, I am officially mortified.
For some reason, I apologized to the sweet old ladies behind me and they all nodded at me knowingly. As I left the store, I only thought one thing. "God, I hope they thought I was apologizing for the lightbulbs being broken."
Jawless patient grows a new one
HOLY CRAP!
You should see the picture that is in the Star Ledger. It shows the patient's back and it has the lump and everything.
Click here.
You should see the picture that is in the Star Ledger. It shows the patient's back and it has the lump and everything.
Click here.
Thursday, August 26, 2004
Going Away for Three Days.
Muh honey and I are going away on the annual Saratoga trip.
I don't want to leave you all hanging. I will leave you with some posts for all three days.
You will miss me.
I don't want to leave you all hanging. I will leave you with some posts for all three days.
You will miss me.
I Will be Looking for the Police in My Rearview Mirror
If this is a crime, then call me a 39 time offender and will be wanted in at least 17 states.
God bless finding someone else with the same "affliction."
Click here....
God bless finding someone else with the same "affliction."
Click here....
Dumb Texans
Dumb Texans
On a shopping trip to the city a backwoods farmer named George W. bought a 24-piece jigsaw puzzle. He worked on it every night for two weeks. Finally, the puzzle was finished.
"Look what I've don, Jess," he said proudly to a visiting neighbor.
"That's surely somethin', George. How long did it take you?"
"Only two weeks."
"Never done a puzzle myself," Jess said. "Is two weeks fast?"
"Darn tootin'," George said. "Look at the box. It says, 'From two to four years."
On a shopping trip to the city a backwoods farmer named George W. bought a 24-piece jigsaw puzzle. He worked on it every night for two weeks. Finally, the puzzle was finished.
"Look what I've don, Jess," he said proudly to a visiting neighbor.
"That's surely somethin', George. How long did it take you?"
"Only two weeks."
"Never done a puzzle myself," Jess said. "Is two weeks fast?"
"Darn tootin'," George said. "Look at the box. It says, 'From two to four years."
Harvey Reminds Me To Be Nice
Harvey Reminds Me To Be Nice
One of the greatest movies ever made was a movie named Harvey. It starred the incomparable Jimmy Stewart. It was based upon a popular play and is a lovely story about a middle aged drunk (Jimmy Stewart) that has been driving his sister and niece wild by introducing everyone he meets to his pal Harvey. Harvey is a big white rabbit, six feet three and a half inches tall, which only Elwood (and occasionally his sister when she's feeling odd) can see. The sister, Veta Louise Simmons, tries to have Elwood committed to Chumleys Rest sanatorium, but they let Elwood out and lock her up.
It sounds like a wacky movie and to be honest, it does get kind of wacky at points, but it is one of the most poignant movies ever made. I was talking to a friend who had also seen it, and we discussed our favorite line from the flick that still resonates a great deal with me.
Jimmy Stewart's character, near the end of the movie states while explaining his demeanor, "Years ago my mother used to say to me, she'd say, 'In this world, Elwood, you must be' - she always called me Elwood - 'In this world, you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant.' Well, for years I was smart. I recommend pleasant. And you may quote me."
This is one of my favorite movie lines of all time. It was one of my friend's favorite lines too.
The line resonates so much because we have to spend so much of our time in this world showing off how great we are to impress upon our peers. We often push pleasantries to the side to do such. We often push them to the side if we are in a rush as well. I find that even I do it. I sometimes call people and ask them for information and it isn't until I have already gotten the information that I remember to ask the person about their wife or husband or life. How I can forget to just be pleasant to another person is beyond me, but I remember eventually. I have even been known to call people back to admit my fault and be more pleasant.
If I have ever behaved that way with any of you loyal readers, I apologize. I swear I didn't mean it.
Also... as this seems like a rather abrupt ending to a thought that seems so obvious... check out the movie HARVEY. I guarantee that you will not be disappointed. As a side note, they have tried to remake the movie at least twice -- once starring Fred Gwynne and the other starring Harry Anderson. Avoid those. It is the 1950 version that is an absolute masterpiece.
Wednesday, August 25, 2004
Another Test
This test is a lot more fun than the last one.
Which John Cusack Are You?
Thankfully... I am Rob Gordon. That is my favorite literary character and he is in my favorite book -- High Fidelity.
Which John Cusack Are You?
Thankfully... I am Rob Gordon. That is my favorite literary character and he is in my favorite book -- High Fidelity.
A Scanner = Tons of Memories
Muh honey and I picked up a scanner this past weekend and it has been a flurry of activity in our new office. I have gone through some of my old pictures and pulled out the ones I like best and have begun the process of scanning them all into the computer. It has been a blast and I have been enjoying the memories that come with them.
My favorite memory is a set of 5-6 photos of people and things that I do not know. You may be wondering why I have these pictures and why they make me smile so much. I rented a car once when my car was in the shop. I returned the rental and accidentally left my camera in it. I eventually picked the camera up and got the roll developed. It looks as though the staff was taking random pictures with the camera. Makes me laugh... every single time. (I guess you had to be there.)
For example:
1. I have mentioned on here before that I used to run and perform improvisational theater. I found some stacks of old pictures from the shows I used to put together with a variety of different cast photos and the likes. I can't believe that it was so long ago since I have that. I can't believe how young I looked either. It really brings back the memories and the drive and desire to do that type of theater again. This comes up with me every 7-8 months. I wonder how long it will stick around this time.
2. Revisionist History abounds as well. I found pictures with people that I am no longer fond of or were ex-girlfriends. Some of those pictures will not be making it up on the websites. Ok.. just the pictures of ex-girlfriends. The ones with people I don't care for anymore will still make it up as they were integral parts of my life for so long. I just don't need to revisit the past with the girlfriends -- especially with muh pending nuptials to muh honey.
3. One of the largest stacks of photos has been a variety of Rutgers sporting events. It sure looks like I was having a great time at those things. But alas, we didn't go for the beer, food or fun. We went because we liked the sport. What sport was that again?
4. Old pets. I have a ton of pictures of the old family dog -- Bud. I miss him.
5. Since the majority of my picture taking was before the digital camera, I am amazed to see all the family portraits that we have informally taken over the years. There are vast spaces of time in between each photo and we seem to have aged so much with each.
6. HIGH SCHOOL PICTURES WERE SO UNBELIEVABLY CRUEL.
Time to sign off for now. If you think you were in any of these early photos, you might be. Let me know and I might be able to send you a few before I put them up on the fotki site.
My favorite memory is a set of 5-6 photos of people and things that I do not know. You may be wondering why I have these pictures and why they make me smile so much. I rented a car once when my car was in the shop. I returned the rental and accidentally left my camera in it. I eventually picked the camera up and got the roll developed. It looks as though the staff was taking random pictures with the camera. Makes me laugh... every single time. (I guess you had to be there.)
For example:
1. I have mentioned on here before that I used to run and perform improvisational theater. I found some stacks of old pictures from the shows I used to put together with a variety of different cast photos and the likes. I can't believe that it was so long ago since I have that. I can't believe how young I looked either. It really brings back the memories and the drive and desire to do that type of theater again. This comes up with me every 7-8 months. I wonder how long it will stick around this time.
2. Revisionist History abounds as well. I found pictures with people that I am no longer fond of or were ex-girlfriends. Some of those pictures will not be making it up on the websites. Ok.. just the pictures of ex-girlfriends. The ones with people I don't care for anymore will still make it up as they were integral parts of my life for so long. I just don't need to revisit the past with the girlfriends -- especially with muh pending nuptials to muh honey.
3. One of the largest stacks of photos has been a variety of Rutgers sporting events. It sure looks like I was having a great time at those things. But alas, we didn't go for the beer, food or fun. We went because we liked the sport. What sport was that again?
4. Old pets. I have a ton of pictures of the old family dog -- Bud. I miss him.
5. Since the majority of my picture taking was before the digital camera, I am amazed to see all the family portraits that we have informally taken over the years. There are vast spaces of time in between each photo and we seem to have aged so much with each.
6. HIGH SCHOOL PICTURES WERE SO UNBELIEVABLY CRUEL.
Time to sign off for now. If you think you were in any of these early photos, you might be. Let me know and I might be able to send you a few before I put them up on the fotki site.
Tuesday, August 24, 2004
Ummm...
Did Kerry Walsh actually just smack Misty May in the ass after winning the gold medal? Right after they rolled around in the sand for a few seconds?
Yes she did.
That folks is why beach volleyball is/was the best sport in the Olympics.
Yes she did.
That folks is why beach volleyball is/was the best sport in the Olympics.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
