TUCKER IS FINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just got word from the veterinarian that Tucker did very well during his surgery.

This picture is of him on his way to the vet this morning.

He apparently is groggy and was good enough not to bite anyone's arm off.

Good Tucker.

R.I.P. - Tucker's Manhood

Look at him... you know what he is thinking... "PLEASE DADDY!!! DON'T SNIP MUH NUTS!!!!!"

For all of my male readers out there, I implore you to read this announcement.

This morning was a tough drive as today, marks the day muh (our) sweet, dear little puppy has his nuts removed.

I wonder what is going on right now.

Are they still in?

Are they out?

Is it wrong that I wanted to ask them to put it into a jar?

Just curious.

Seriously though... I am surprised by the people that have asked me if I took "before" pictures...and those that suggested it. No one has thought it was weird if I did.

What do you think?

Thoughts of the smelmooo -- Thank You

I have a stat counter on muh blog and I have a basic understanding of what days are more popular than others.

Yesterday... my hit count was 2000% higher than normal. (Yeup..that's right... 3 zeroes.).

I am not sure what was more interesting about muh blog yesterday than most days... but thank you for your support.

Smelmooo

Pressing iPod Issue

Ichabod (our iPod) is not being recognized by my computer.

It works in the car and with headphones... but the computer/iTunes is not recognizing it. I hear the sound of the computer recognizing a new device... but when iTunes finally pops up (it takes 20 times as long) there is no recognition of Ichabod.

I updated the software...I DLed a new iTunes... I can't seem to figure it out.

Is this happeneing to you guys?

Smelmooo

Marc Cohn -- No Longer a One Hit Wonder

Marc Cohn is now a two hit wonder..

1. Walking in Memphis
2. Shot to the head by bullet.

You may commence groaning now... and I certainly hope no one types that True Companion was a hit... it was a failed follow up!

Thank you OneHitWonderCentral.com for your support! Click here...

Top Five Tuesday - Vacation Edition

Top Five Places That I Want to Go on Vacation-ish (Within Reason)
1. Spain-Portugal-Andora
2. Maine
3. Napa Valley
4. Alaska
5. Anywhere muh wife is.

Top Five Headlines That Happened While We Were Away
1. Peter Jennings' Death
2. Space Shuttle Lands
3. Forrester and Corzine did inappropriate things with their money.
4. Bush did something again that was beyond his scope of power.
5. Dana Reeves is diagnosed with lung cancer. Talk about dedication to life and then having it ripped from you after spending so much of your life tending to another. Damn.

Top Five Things I Did to Annoy Muh Wife at Various Meals (all of these were only done ONCE.)
1. I put a cucumber with dressing on her "still in use" bread plate.
2. Licked the wine bottle to prevent it from dripping on the table (There is no excuse for this.)
3. Burped really loudly (I seriously didn't mean it.)
4. I pinched some shredded Parmesan cheese out of the serving bowl. (In muh defense, it was along the edge and ready to fall out.
5. Muh wife dropped her knife on the floor and kept forgetting to ask. I asked for one for her and she didn't appreciate it as she felt I "outted" her. Chivalry is dead folks.... dead...

Top Five Things That Struck Me Funny - The Guess You Had To Be There Category.
1. There was this woman who was hugging a bag from Burger King - My comment under muh breath was. "I guess she really likes her Burger King."
2. I asked for a bowl of soup. It was delivered in a cup. I asked, "Is this a bowl?" He said, "Uh no. Would you like it to be a bowl?" I said, "It doesn't matter. I have waited long enough for it." Three minutes later, a bowl of soup appeared. I ate both. I was full of soup.
3. I heard on the radio that Cumberland Farms is no longer being called Cumberland Farms in their radio commercials. It is now being referred to as Cumby's. You have to be kidding me.
4. I love that muh brother's girlfriend and brother STILL CANNOT beat me in poker. Take that!
5. This was originally Number One until Tangent Woman stole my thunder. Click here....

Top Five Fun Vacation Activities - Things You Can Do When You Have Decent
Enough Weather
1. Go to Jenkinson's and see the Nerds play for the first time in your life
(Oh wait. that was muh wife.)
2. Play BOCCE BALL!!!!
3. Go to the beach and listen to all the annoying people from New York come
and complain about the weather.
4. Eat.. Eat.. Eat... food or ice cream at the Beach Plum.
5. Read

nothing's going to change my world

I can't figure out why... but I need to read this blog.

It was introduced to me by steakbellie (Thanks Steakbellie) and now I can't stop reading it.

Click here...

It is a raw and emotionally charging blog about the love life of a 21 year old woman in New York City. It starts somewhat harmlessly and then enters a world of intrigue and lust.

Good stuff.

I do recommend one thing though... if you are going to read it... read it from the very beginning... it should take you about 45 minutes... and it is fascinating.

Speaking of Idiots

...today is Ben Affleck's birfday.

Everyone stick your tongue out at 3:00 pm.

March of the Idiots - A Tale of a Trip to the Movies

March of the Idiots - A Tale of a Trip to the Movies

I have been reading with earnest stories in my entertainment websites and magazines about how the motion picture industry is hurting big time this year. Ticket sales are off . by a LOT. One article gave a variety of reasons as to why and they include such things as idiot patrons, availability of DVDs, obscene ticket prices, and the infusion of commercials. I agree with all of these reasons as to why muh wife and I have been going to the movies a great deal less. It is too much of a hassle and people are really frigging annoying to boot.

This, however, did not deter us from going to see March of the Penguins (which is one of the nicest and best movies I have ever seen. Muh wife agrees with me on this point. I should write a blog about this movie in its own right, but I would give away so much. I implore you though to see this movie if you can.)

We went to a 6:40 pm showing of the movie and sat down in some pretty decent seats. We were then surrounded by old people, families with itty bitty children and others. What we were subjected to was astounding. Here are a few highlights.

1. At one pint in the movie, there were SIX conversations going on at once. SIX. One of them was on a cell phone. Other people in the theater including ourselves carefully shushed all these conversations and they would taper off. Sometimes, a small child would ask his or her parents questions about a movie. This I do not have a problem with. The 4th and 5th questions I have problems with.

2. There was a particular child close to us that kept talking to his mother. Muh wife and I shushed them several times. She immediately made excuses for the kid. My problem at that point is not with the kid. It is with the mother. Teach the kid some manners. There was another woman who eventually shushed this kid too. 5 minutes later, we had to shush the lady!

3. All of the aforementioned stuff was rude enough, so. I went to the manager after the movie to chat about the conditions of our movie going experience. She listened for a few minutes and then actually started defending the talkers by saying something to the effect of "Look, we cannot go into a movie theater and shush the entire theater because we would have a riot on our hands. It is our policy to handle the few people that this might inconvenience." She gave us two free passes and sent us on our way. That was simply ridiculous.

I don't have much more to say about this except that I have a feeling that events like this will continue to push muh wife and I away from the movie theaters. and that's a shame. we really do love going to the movies.

Back to work...

... maybe I shouldn't admit this... but I am actually dreading going back tomorrow...

It shouldn't be like this.

I think it's the heat.

Random Snapple Fact

#185 A male kangaroo is called a Boomer.

Smelmooo Returns... and Goes Lame WIth a Joke...

We are back and Tucker smells fantastic after his bath!

I have a lot to write about but it isn't really time to do that... SOOO... let me share a joke with you that I received during my week away.

These are things you can do at Wal Mart to F around.

This is dedicated to Jamie and Barbara.

::THINGS TO DO AT WALMART::::


1. Get 24 boxes of tampons and put them in carts of guys when there not looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the ladies restroom.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone: 'Code 3 in House wares' . . and see what happens.

5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay-away.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set-up a tent in the Camping Department -- and tell other shoppers you're sleeping over; invite them in, if they bring pillows from the Bedding Department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask: "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the Hunting Department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously, while loudly humming the theme from "Mission Impossible."

12. In the Auto Department, practice your "Madonna look" using different sized funnels.

13. Hide in a clothing rack . . . and when people browse through, say: "PICK ME!!! PICK ME!!!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO!...It's those voices again!!!"

And last but not least:

15. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while, then yell loudly: "There's no toilet paper in here!"

Neil Diamond Tickets!

I have some left over Neil Diamond tickets for Madison Square Garden on
August 18th.

I am looking to get my money back so if anyone is interested... please let
me know ASAP.

Thanks.

Going on Vacation

For the next seven days, muh wife and I will be on a beach relaxing.

Reading and thinking will abound.

I will see you all on the flip side.

Peace and cheese.

The Smelmooo

Body Man Wanted!

I was driving down good ole Route One when I saw this banner.

"Experience Body Man Wanted"

I wanted to apply...

I don't know anything about cars though.

Congrats to the Shout Out to Matt by James Wolcott

Click Here.

Holy Crap... I Never Made it to DC... and Here's Why...

It was 99 degrees yesterday. I know this because I watched it steadily increase on monitors across the Northeast Corridor. When I started my trek, it was a gorgeous 82 degrees and continued to climb as the day wore on.

I was supposed to get to DC, go to an exhibit and meetings at the Smithsonian and then come back the same day. Here's what actually happend.

1. I was supposed to catch a New Jersey Transit train to Metro Park from Metuchen. It is a short 4 minute ride. I stepped on the train at 8:07 just as I was supposed to. The ticket collecter comes along and says... "Oh boy. The train you want is 7 minutes behind us. We are going straight to Newark." Crap. All the seats were taken so I stood in the warm but not hot yet vestibule.

2. I arrived in Newark knowing that I was going to have to either catch the Amtrak train from Newark OR take a train back to Metropark to catch another Amtrak train. Upon arriving in the cesspool that is Newark, I was relieved to see that the train I was supposed to catch in Metropark was 20 minutes late. I went to the Amtrak counter and he felt pity on me and told me just to catch it from Newark. I felt a tremendous sigh of relief.

3. An hour LATER, the train was still late as was the train before it. I got fed up by it and got on a New Jersey Transit train back to Metropark where I would rather wait than waiting farther from home in Newark. The guy on the NJ Tranist train also took pity on me and let me ride for free back to Metropark.

4. I waited at Metropark until it was foolish to wait any longer. I would never make it to the meeting in time and I would have just had to have turned around and came right back home. I bought a ticket for Metuchen and went out to the platform. The Amtrak train I was supposed to take slowed up the new NJ Transit train I was supposed to take back to Metuchen.

I found out later in the day yesterday that the train I was supposed to take to DC didn't make on time. It was 3.5 hours late. That would have made me 2.5 hours late to a meeting/exhibit that lasted 2.5 hours.

Fabulous.

Quite a day... I am not sure this would have been as bad as it was if it wasn't steadily increasing in temperature.... The day ended around 99 degrees.

I take back what I wrote yesterday. Amtrak simply does NOT rule.

What a day.

Dead Like Me -- A Plea to Save the Show

Dear Showtime,

I do not subscribe to Showtime, but there was a time when I used to. One of your shining moments was when the network began to air the witty and fun yet poignant Dead Like Me.

When Showtime disappeared from my cable system, I was sad simply because I couldn't watch this show. Last week, Dead Like Me Season 2 became available on DVD. I have almost watched the entire season and I still love the show.

I suppose ratings will always dictate which shows stay and which shows go... but I love that show.

I read this rumor online about the show and I hope you reconsider saving/bringing it back/whatever. Season 3 could be just as good. Give it a shot.

"DeadLikeMeOnline has absolutely no idea if or when Dead Like Me will ever return to production. There are rumors floating around saying that "Showtime is reconsidering and may pick up production of the show again". These rumors have not been confirmed by this website. But, we still remain hopeful and those rumors shouldn't be dismissed."

Sincerely,


Ellen Muth and Mandy Patinkon's biggest fan.

This is funny.

Random Thoughts...on a Thursday...

1. I will be away today. I am going to be heading down to Washington, DC to check out the new America on the Move exhibit at the Smithsonian with a group of high school kids. It should be a good experience. It will be made that much better because I am NOT going down on the bus with them. I am heading down on my new favorite mode of transportation -- the train. Amtrak rules.


2. One of the more interesting things recently has been muh wife's and mine Netflix queue. The account in my dear sweet wife's name yet I pretty much control the queue while we wait to watch a lot of the movies that already have on DVD and have borrowed from friends. With that being said, I looked at the queue recently and I realized something. A lot of the titles have the word "dead" in them. Dead Pool, Dawn of the Dead, Dead Like Me (Four disks). Poor Tangent Woman... she is all about death...

3. Barber Switch -- I used to love going to my old barber because he had this really colorful woman that worked with him. Go back over some of my really old blogs and you will find posts related to her. She wasn't there the past few haircuts so I finally decided to try the other barber in town. I like him SOOOO MUCH BETTER! However... when I said cut it short to him... his definition of short was different than the old barber. I have learned my lesson.

4. Muh wife and I are just passengers on separate ships this week. She flew and returned from Boston in one day yesterday... she got home late and left for work this morning while I am going to in DC today. Our plans are not similar at all.

5. I just ate a Finding Nemo Rice Krispies treat. I know muh wife is the RKT champion of the world.. but this was pretty darn good! Check that off the list... Nemo...found... in muh belly.

More Snapshots from Toga 2005...

... a Continuation of Tangent Woman's snapshots.

Muh wife typed up a blog when we got back from our annual trip to Saratoga on Sunday. She covered some of the highlights and I thought that I would cover a few more.

As a quick reminder, for the past six years, a couple of my friends (Mike and Matt) have visited Saratoga, New York for a weekend of fun and the track. When we were all single, it was a guy's weekend, but it has now become a weekend that all the wives attend as well. They enjoy it just as much as we do. It is a great weekend for catching up on old times...etc etc etc. We also bet on horses, but that isn't the important part. We just like to hang out in the sun and talk and laugh. There is also beer involved.

Saratoga Race track is easily the nicest race track I have ever been too.

Here are some of the highlights...AND... you didn't have to be there to enjoy some of these.

1. Hamburger Hat -- There was a special hat competition going on this weekend. The winner with the most creative hat wins a prize. While we were doing our annual shot of the sulphuric rich Saratoga Springs water, we were joined by a classicly looking drunk old Irish guy. He was funny looking for three reasons. He was drunk off his ass so his face was BRIGHT red. He had the longest white chest hair any of us have ever seen as it grew OUT of his shirt. AND... he was wearing a giant CHEESEBURGER hat. AWESOME!

2. Final race -- Muh wife and I were getting a little bit tired as we had been there for almost 7 hours by that point and I had eaten everything I possibly could. We were getting ready to tap... I was also down for the day in terms of betting. One of the women in the groupd decided that she was going to be the tenth race. Ok... fine. That means we all had to stay. I made one final bet because I like to have a reason to watch the races. Thank god we stayed...as that bet is the one that put me into the PLUS category. I went home 9.50 up and muh wife was up about 10. Not a bad day.

3. Glass and Ice -- We always bring our own beer and food to the track. We could spend $30 at the grocery store and it will be a tremendous savings in comparison to what we would be charged if we bought food there. They do not allow glass into the track. They look in coolers to keep that out. So we drink beer out of cans..but it is a small price to pay. However, we can NOT give up our pickles and pickles only come in glass jars. We hid the jar inside one of our chairs in a bag bags. We are sneaky. Also... has anyone else noticed that they put nutritional information on bags of ice?

4. Picking Up Tucker -- When we picked up Tucker, the "resort" owner asked us if he was fixed. I told him that he is scheduled for the operation later this month. He told us that Tucker was "going to town" on a Golden Retriever puppy. Good boy. :-D. We were asked to have him fixed before we bring him in again. That is this weekend. uh oh...

Top Five Tuesday

Top Five New Words That I Heard/Want to Perpetuate
1. Porny (of or related to pornographic material)
2. Spazarific (Tucker's ability to be the sweetest dog and then the wackiest dog in under 4.4 seconds)
3. Sammich (A goofy way of saying sandwich.)
4. Snogalicious (a variation of the word snog seen a whole bunch in Harry Potter which meant to kiss)
5. Boltonize (Causing great stress to a country.)

Top Five Reasons Why Atkins Filed For Bankruptcy
1. They didn't cut the fat.
2. There was no meat to the budget.
3. They didn't have the heart to fire people.
4. Because they needed to recuperate from the "Thomas" muffins attack of 2004
5. Because it is a fad....a stupid fad...

Top Five Terrell Owens Quotes I Love -- Thanks to Si.com
1. "As you get to know me, you kind of figure me out, that I'm not as probably as bad of a guy that I've been reported to be. I'm not that jerk."

2. "I'll watch the highlights every now and then but, as far as watching the game, I feel like I am the game."
3. "At the end of the day, I don't have to worry about what people think of me, whether they hate me or not. People hated on Jesus. They threw stones at him and tried to kill him, so how can I complain or worry about what people think?"

4. "I'm smart enough to know when I've done something wrong, but I don't understand this. Guys are beating their wives, getting DUIs and doing drugs, and I get national attention for a Sharpie? People are personally attacking me, calling me a classless a------ because I did something creative during a game. Why?"
5. "Like my boy tells me; if it looks like a rat and smells like a rat, by golly, it is a rat."
-- Terrell Owens on rumors former 49ers teammate Jeff Garcia was gay in Owens to Playboy, August, 2004

Top Five Guest Stars on the Simpsons Next Year
1. Ricky Gervais
2. William H. Macy
3. Frances McDormand
4. Joe Frazier
5. Richard Dean Anderson

Top Five Things That We Need Nutrional Information On (Seriously... they have it on this stuff!)
1. Ice
2. Dannon Water bottles
3. Celery
4. Radishes
5. Lettuce

************************HARRY POTTER**************************
************************SPOILER ALERT**************************

Top Five Thoughts About Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince
1. There was not ONE single appearance of Lord Voldemort!
2. Who knew Harry was a frigging pervert?
3. I am so excited by the major role that Snape took...that means at least a few more roles for Alan Rickman...who is always so... sinister.
4. Come on folks... Dumbledore ain't dead... he made a horcrux for himself!
5. The Half Blood Prince seems a bit hokey to me... I bet there is more to it.

Daisy Duke is Perfect

Exhibit A.

It's Totally Wrong

Stupid Cats... survived.

Click here...

I am an Uncle!... again

I became an uncle to six little people on October 9, 2004.

I am now an uncle to a seventh little person.

Sophia.

I met her yesterday on the way home from Saratoga. She is so cute.

Tucker & His Bachelor Night

*Flop*

What time is it? What did daddy mean when he said that I was going to have fun tonight? What... oh..whatever...

*Flop*

Here I am...waiting for daddy to get home... THERE HE IS! What a great daddy. I gotta pee... ok... good... he opens the door for me first... but it is so hot out here... I should just pee and go back in...that's better....ahhh.... I feel empty and now... I am cool again... daddy turned on the air conditioning. I better stand guard near the front door so that no strangers come in and to be ready to pounce on mommy when she comes home.

Ya see... I am stumpy. I have short legs and yet I have a rather majestic look when I sit... almost like a sphinx... heh heh..sphinx... I learned that word when daddy was talking to some brown haired man the other day. He came over with this woman and smaller person. They were using the words mommy and daddy too but not to daddy. That seemed weird to me.

Daddy went upstairs to change out of his "monkey suit" and came back down to play with me. We played a rousing game of jump all over daddy as he throws the ball from side to side. I used daddy as a springboard and the game ended suddenly. I was having such a good time.

He rolled over on his side, moaned, and said "That's it Tucker. No more of that... you crushed my balls. In four weeks, you won't have any balls... so now... we are even."

I hope he doesn't take my favorite squeaky football away... That would just be mean.

I hear that damn A-Team theme song again... oh... that's just mommy on the other line. Daddy asked her is she landed safely and he cheered. I get it. Mommy isn't coming home. I wonder if daddy cheered because mommy is away or because it is going to be another one of our favorite bachelor nights!

I love these nights. I wonder if mommy knows what we do on these nights.

*SEVEN HOURS LATER*

What a great night... daddy is the super duperest. Here is what we did.

1. We started off the night by doing a line of white stuff. Daddy loves that stuff. It gives him "energy" he says.

2. We then went out and picked up some "bitches." That's what dog parks are good for. We can both meet sexy "ladies." Daddy didn't do anything bad...but I sure as heck tried.



3. We played more ... get the ball from daddy.

4. We got some really yummy barbecue for daddy even though all I got was my regular dry food. Apparently, it is really good for my teeth or something.

5. We ran around the house. Daddy did it with scissors.

6. We looked into the refrigerator for long periods of time... Apparently, daddy believes in cooling the neighborhood.

7. We fell asleep while watching some girlie. I curled up next to daddy because he is so warm. That is such a great feeling.

Daddy tells me that mommy is coming home tomorrow. I will be glad to see her... but it is tough to be excited after a night of bitches.

Home at Last

As much fun as we had this weekend... we are super excited to be home... Only 3.45 hours until we can pick up Tucker.

We miss his cute furry face.

Saratoga Rocks

We are having a blast... and the weather is absolutely perfect.

Woo hoo...

Random Thoughts On a Friday -- Before Our AnNnual Trip

1. Today, muh wife and I leave for our annual trip to Saratoga, New York. This will be our sixth trip (Third or fourth for Tangent Woman) to upstate New York and it is always one of my favorite weekends of the year. In addition to a quality weekend away with muh wife, I get to spend some quality time with two of my best friends Mike and Matt. We used to live 250 feet apart from each other... now miles separate us. It is always a top notch weekend...

2. The single greatest food creation just might have to be what I ate for lunch yesterday. It was a Cheesewurst from Hillshire Farms. I want to meet the man...and it has to be a man... that invented this perfect combination of food. I am eating a piece of meat...when... CHEESE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! God bless America.

3. Muh wife and I like to play the game Scene It? even though I am the master at this game and I kick everyone's ass that I play against. There is a new Harry Potter only version of the game. I am thinking about getting it.

4. It was so hot out this week, that I actually could taste the air.

5. Tucker is amazing to me. He goes out into the back yard and (only does this with muh wife because I think he is scared of me when it comes to that stuff) then he gets all mopey for two hours. He was bouncing all over the place this morning...why? Because he puked up a pile of dirt. Maybe someone needs to stop him sooner from eating the dirt. Interesting....

6. It has been fabulously quiet enough on the Death Pool death front. 5 months to go... I have a smaller lead... I need Scott Hamilton to take an anvil to the head.

7. This is hilarious. "A Kenyan says he offered Bill Clinton 40 goats and 20 cows for his daughter's hand in marriage five years ago -- and is still waiting for an answer." (Source cnn.com)

8. The BTK killer's wife got an emergency divorce this week. I bet you didn't see that coming!

9. Will this be another disappointing year for my Raiders? Not as much as it will be for the Giants...and stupid Eli Manning...

I Don't Do Bail -- A Story of a Crappy Roommate

One of my favorite stories about living in Washington, DC in the Fall of 1994 revolves around my roommate and a night of drinking with his friends.

Funny thing is... I wasn't out with them that night.

I was hanging out with a few of my friends as we all wanted to watch the George Foreman fight. For you boxing fans...it was the one where he kicked that kids ass to become the oldest heavyweight champion ever. He wasn't supposed to win and he pretty much killed the division by beating him... but... oh well.

The fight ended... we all hung out a bit and then we all went to bed about 2 in the morning... myself included. I got back to the room, got all snuggily with my pillow and passed out.

An hour later the phone rang and it was Steve "WHAT's UP THERE" Wachtel. What a class act my roommate was. He would yell that at me every morning after he finished getting ready for work to wake me up. Steve was my alarm clock...and he was the hairiest person I have ever seen.

He called to ask me if I could borrow his friend's car (who was with him.. but i needed to go get the keys from HIS roommate) and pick the five of them up from a police station way up in Northwest DC. I asked him if they needed bail money and he said no. They were just detained because of a fight or something but they were all so drunk they wouldn't be released unless someone drove them home. They would have to stay until Monday otherwise. Whatever...

I got the keys and began the late night drive to the police station that was some 48 blocks away. At each intersection, I never felt comfortable so I began treating traffic lights like they were stop signs since the city was dead anyway. (Much different than my recent trip when there were peole everywhere.)

I arrived at the police station and the cops let me take the five of them away after I passed a Breathalyzer test with flying colors. I didn't drink back then. I asked the cop if it was alright to shove 6 people in a car made for 5. He told me fine and sent me on my way. They were still drunk and talking a lot of shit. One of them even wanted to go get a cheesesteak! I told them no and continued to drive.

Halfway home, I saw the red and blue lights flashing in my rearview window.

I pulled over and angrily told the shitheads in the back seat to shut their frigging mouths. The cop came up and I asked the cop politiely. "Excuse me officer. May I please get out of the car and talk to you about this?" He was very hesitant but said sure.

Upon hearing that he pulled me over because I had too many people in my car, I explained to him the situation. I was careful to use the appropriate number of expletives to describe my passengers. He smiled, verified my story with the other cops, and then gave us a police escort back to the apartment complex.

That was fun. Those guys owed me big time for it and I ate dinner for free for the next two weeks.

The funny thing is... it re-enforced a joke I used to make and made it a real policy.

I don't do bail. You got yourself into this mess, you can get yourself out of it. I would probably only do bail for a VERY small group of people with only one definite person -- Tangent Woman... but even then... I am not too worried about her.

Walking Down a Country Street... in the Snow... A Brush With Death

In an effort to remain somber in muh blogs, I was reminded earlier of an incident when I was a child that scared the hell out of me. I am sure that the amount of people I have told this can be counted on one hand so if I have told you this story... consider yourself in the select few.

I grew up in the boonies in Hunterdon County, New Jersey. It was a fantastic place to grow up. We had open fields to play in, a HUMUNGOUS front and backyard that we could play wiffle ball in, and it was away from any form of development. It was great. There was only one real negative. Friends lived MILES away which made biking to your friends house an egregious task. We sometimes had to rely on our parents to get places. If that was the worst of our worries, we had it pretty frigging good.

The other thing that was perhaps a negative in some respects was the road we lived on. It was basically an asphalt path that wound through a forest with long driveways connected to it. The sides of the street were either embankments and difficult to climb or tree lined. When two oncoming cars met in the road, they would literally have to pull over as far as possible and sneak by each other afraid of the scraping sounds of clashing side mirrors.

This made walking on the street dangerous as the road was narrow and windy. People had a difficult time seeing down the street.

I was walking down the street one snowy afternoon to go play with a friend who lived 1/4 miles or so away. To this day, I can't remember which friend I was going to go see.

When I reached the bend in the road, I heard a car coming from behind me, so I did what I always did. I stopped, turned to face the car, and waited for it to pass. The car must have been going a bit faster than it originally intended and it began to skid out. The driver lost control of the car and it swerved directly at me. I had nowhere to go as it was an embankment behind me so I fell into the snow essentially standing exposed and in a prone position.

I held my breath.

Somehow... the car missed me... not without me feeling a brush of air as it skidded by. To this day... I swear that she hit me but I had no bruises or marks to show it.

The car stopped a hundred feet down the road after bumping into the embankment. The owner of the car got out, examined her car, looked at me lying on my back not moving on the side of the road (embankment), and then drove away.

I was too stunned to say anything and I didn't know what to do. My body wouldn't move so I couldn't chase her... so I just say there... eventually, I picked myself up and went to my friend's house.

I don't know if I was any fun, but it was then that I started to realize how indestructable I wasn't. That's a tough thing to discover at about 10 years old.

White Noise...

... I watched the movie White Noise yesterday.

It starred Michael Keaton and a few other character actors. It was a thriller and it was KILLED by the critics and is one of the worst rated films I have ever rented through Netflix.

I don't get why it was that low.

I must have jumped a good 7 to 10 times during the movie.

What's up folks?

Top Five Tuesday -- Hottie Pants Edition

Top Five Things That Bothered Me About Play Misty For Me (Even though it was a fantastic movie...)
1. Donna Mills doesn't look anything like she does now... or in her hot period.
2. The psychotic woman is played by the really funny lady who plays the mom on Arrested Development.
3. The woman who played the cleaning woman and sexual inuendo chick gets hacked up... and ... she also played Cliff Huxtable's mom on the Cosby Show... just plain disturbing to me.
4. There was something ringing awfully true about the plot.
5. I am still freaked out.....

Top Five Possible Vacation Spots For Willy Wonka
1. Sesame Place
2. Hershey Park
3. Any zoo's petting zoo
4. Carnivals
5. Day care centers...

Top Five Reasons Why Neil Diamond is Better Than the Beattles
1. Sequins
2. Hip Movements...
3. He is not British
4. I have never heard a Beatles song motivate peolple to get out of their chairs and dance... especially at our wedding.
5. Did the Beatles put out two Christmas albums AND were Jewish?!?!?!

Top Five Reasons Why I Love the Fact That Fantasy Football is Back
1. I get to beat up on Seth and Bowman
2. That means the return of fall weather...not necessarily the loss of summer... but the weather.
3. It means that I get to watch grown men beat each other up.
4. Reasons... actual reasons... to sit and watch football...all DAY LONG!!!
5. I ran out of A-Teams to watch.

Top Five Ear Worms Of the Past Two Weeks
1. A-Team Theme Song...
2. Sandford & Son Theme Song...
3. Anything by Kelly Clarkson
4. I am Not Wearing Any Underwear Today from the Avenue Q Soundtrack...
5. Drunken Lullabies by Flogging Molly

Top Five Places That I Don't Wanna Go in the Near Future
1. Aruba
2. London
3. Arizona (18 dead!!!)
4. Iraq....silly...
5. Guantanamo Bay

Getting Mugged -- D.C Style

In the Fall of 1994, I lived in Washington, DC as part of an internship program. I worked for a lobbying firm and the apartment complex I was living in was where all 150 kids from across the country were living. We had roommates and we all hung out all the time especially since everyone had efficiency apartments.

My recent trip to Washington, DC brought back a lot of memories for me even though the trip went essentially like this -- Union Station, cab, basement of Ritz Carlton, lunch, basement, cab and Union Station.

For example, I spent a lot of time during my internship hanging out with friends at Happy Hour at a dive called Lulu's. The hotel I was stationed at for my meetings was literally across the street from there.

I also remember going out on a date or two at Union Station's movie theater and seeing the Metro system always brings back some incredible memories.

Fun times...

I was also reminded of a time when I did NOT have a good experience in Washington, DC.

Very simply... I was mugged.

The actual story of being mugged isn't any big deal and I was extremely lucky to have the situation result in the way it did.

The apartment complex was located at 4th and G in the Southwest section of the district. This is a borderline location as a couple of blocks south or east and the streets get a bit rougher than need be. The walk to the grocery store was always interesting as it was 2 blocks south. 4 blocks north and you were in the mall and there weren't any stores in that area...so 2 blocks south was all that we had. There is something to be said about the grocery store located at the "Waterfront" Metro station... it couldn't have been that bad if I saw Supreme Court Justice David Souter doing some shopping there.

It was about 10:00 at night and I was in need of a snack... ice cream specifically. I pulled my pocket free seatpants on, grabbed a $5 bill, tucked my identification into my shoe, and set off for a pint of ice cream for me and my date. I stepped out into the cool night air and began walking. Three buildings down, this fella who looked poorer than an African country, jumped out holding a knife and hissed at me. "Give me all your money."

I am always amazed at myself in these types of situations. I was surprisingly under control and I handed him the $5 that I had on me. "It's all I have," I said and I showed him that my hands were empty except for my key. He grabbed the money and ran like the wind.

I suppose that I could have been brave and fought for my $5 but I didn't view it as worth it. I was just happy to get out alive.

The mugging didn't bother me. Take the $5. If you need it that badly, it's yours. I was most bothered and still bothered to this day by how weak I felt afterwards. I walked back up to my room after that and just sat on the couch. It was a feeling of not having any control of anything. What I think was most frightening was the glimmer of light that reflected off of the blade and into my eye. That is the one thing that will stay with me for the rest of my life... I do not remember the man's face. I do remember the reflection of light.

It will always represent a time in my life I can honestly say that I felt as though... my life was in another person's hands.

I don't have any great advice or tremendously moving thoughts about this anymore... except one ...Life is fragile enough... I don't need to lose it over $5.

Uh oh...

I work for a bunch of "tough guys."

They do construction and work a lot harder in terms of physical labor than I could ever imagine.

My iPod just played an obscure Indigo Girls song from their first cd.

I was humming along to the song... I hope no one catches me...

Taking Control And Facing Life's Challenges

With Lance Armstrong winning his 7th Tour de France in a row today, I am once again reminded of the strength of the human spirit. Lance faced death and overcame it to accomplish something beyond what any other person could possibly imagine.

I have decided to write some similar stories this week (save TOp Five Tuesday) about times in which I faced something challenging or missed death by half an inch or so.

Nothing compares to what Lance has done... but each person has their own stories... and I have mine...

Three Kings -- The Movie

Muh wife and I sat down recently and watched one of my favorite "never seen before" movies.

It is entitled "THREE KINGS"

George Clooney, Mark Wahlberg and Ice Cube star in "Three Kings," the story of a small group of adventurous American soldiers in Iraq at the end of the Gulf War who are determined to steal a huge cache of gold reputed to be hidden somewhere near their desert base. Finding a map they believe will take them to the gold, they embark on a journey that leads to unexpected discoveries, enabling them to rise to a heroic challenge that drastically changes their lives.

The movie takes some twists and turns that make you feel for every single person that you come across -- even those that are in Saddam's army. IT is a rivetting film that makes you laugh, cringe, and most importantly, think.

I find the movie even more relevant after seeing the second Gulf War take place. The film maker David Russell (who wrote and directed and didn't make another movie until the quirky I HEART HUCKABEES) seems to have an agenda but then turns it around so you are still not quite sue where he stands. But one thing is clear... he does show his belief that war is hell...on everyone.

I recommend this uniquely filmed and written film to everyone. It is great.

Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince

I finished....

When is the next one coming out?

I can't believe I am looking forward to a sequel... in a book!

I want to discuss it but muh wife hasn't read it yet.

Things Over the Past Few Days That Have Struck Me As Funny

1. I was at an event recently and it was 90+ degrees outside and the humidity was way up there as well. Yet... I saw this woman walking around in a short sleeved turtleneck shirt. There seems something FUNDAMENTALLY wrong about the design of that shirt. It is a turtleneck and goes all the way up the neck... and THEN... it has short sleeves... insanity... someone please explain that one to me.

2. I heard this joke and it made me guffaw. There are THREE types of accountants in the world. Those that can count and those that can't.

3. I also heard this parable recently. On the first day, God created the sun. Not to be outdone, the Devil created sunburn. On the second day, God created sex, so the Devil came up with marriage. Very clever and on a roll that Devil was... On the third day, God created engineers... and the Devil was stumped... so he thought about it and thought about it... and created... another engineer. (You can replace the word engineer with your profession...and use it at your next staff meeting to make yourself look witty and clever.)

Look What I Can Do Now!!!

YOU LOVE HIM... YOU REALLY LOVE HIM... HE LOVES YOU TOO....

My Life is Complete...

Click here...

Muh Trip to Washington DC...

For work the other day, I had to attend a set of meetings for one of the national associations that I work with regularly. The meeting content wasn't anything tremendously enlightening, but I appreciated all the people I mingled with.

The first meeting was at 10 am and instead of going down the night before and staying over, I decided to take the train down that morning and take it back that night as muh lovely wife does all the time for her job (god bless her...).

So many things interested me about this trip:

1. I was scheduled to take a 5:53 am train that was supposed to arrive at 8:45 am. With cab ride and everything... I was planning to arrive around 9:30. Because I am usually early for everything and over plan some things... I had my wife drop me off at the station at 5:20 so that I could get my ticket, a bite to eat and relax. Upon arriving, everything was closed up. I couldn't get to the ticket kiosk, Dunkin Donuts or air conditioning. Eventually, everything opened up. What I was most amazed about was that at 5:30, you could shoot a cannon through the building and not hit anyone, but at 5:35, the place was full of people. It was as though they all appeared out of the air. Weird!

2. When I got in my cab in Washington DC, I was treated to a preacher type radio station playing really loud in the cab. I don't mind the religious radio station or anything (a future blog is in the works about my polarizing opinions on religion). I didn't even care that it was too loud. That just meant that I didn't have to talk to him... as the only cab drivers I ever want to talk to are from Las Vegas... I was most interested in his language. He was an anxious driver and guided his fellow "brothers" around by telling them to do this ..or to watch out for that... but before he did this and every single time we would hit a bit of traffic...he would say.. "SHIT!" really loudly. Just seemed wrong.

3. My first name is a common name (Hard to believe that SMELMOOO is common... but nationally..it must be...), and I was in a meeting with approximately 65 people in it. They were discussing the efforts of a major person in the industry and he also has the name Smelmooo so I was aroused from my mid day nap every single time they would refer to the accomplishments of this other Smelmooo. Blech.

4. They used the word "compaction" all the time. Muh wife dislikes the word as it is not a real word, but it is a word used by EVERYONE in the industry I work in.

5. 6 hours total on a train = 1/2 of the new Harry Potter book finished.

In light of the events today...

I am glad that cnn.com did an article like this for the bombings two weeks ago.

Click here...

BACHELOR NIGHT!!!!

Tangent Woman is away tonight on a work trip to Chicago..

You know what that means!!!

The Tuckmeister and I are picking up some hookers...doing lines of coke...and maybe...just maybe...running with scissors after leaving the refridgerator and front doors wide open!

Tucker's Nuts

They go bye bye on August 17th.

Anyone wanna party?

I was sad to make that call.

Cold Stone Creamery Debacle

July 2, 2005 was supposed to be a free tasting at Cold Stone Creamery.

Muh wife and I went as diligent ice cream and Cold Stone Creamery supporters. We were so excited by the premise that I even blogged about it and was happy to hear that fellow blogger Gina and her fiance wanted to join us.

To put it into perspective, I have received a lot of emails informing me of the nationwide tasting. I have seen flyers for it and commercials on television. My local newspaper even wrote an ARTICLE on it specifically naming my local Cold Stone Creamery at the Menlo Park Mall as the location for the event.

We arrived 15 minutes after the event was supposed to start expecting there to be a bit of a line and people waiting to try it out.

The lines weren't there...

Why?

It wasn't even open.

The event was to draw people in an hour early and get them to try their new flavors. We watched other people walk up... look disappointed..mumble something and leave. We weren't the only disappointed people.

A young family was sitting on the bench with us waiting... the father went up to the window and knocked until someone finally came out of the back. He asked, "What's going on with the tasting? Why aren't you open?"

The fella's response was "I don't know what you are talking about." After annoying a few more employees, they topld us that they were going to open up at 11 at their usual time. We were all offended and upset! This was not right!

I even pulled out a camera and told my new friend, a 3rd Grader at a local grade school and daughter of the brave father who was banging on the door and top notch "high fiver," to go stand by the front door and look sad. I would take her picture and write a complaint letter to the company. She was too shy to do it.

So... the place finally opens up after we took a lap around the mall catching up with Gina and Jack. We walked in with our mouths watering. They only had ONE of the new 5-6 flavors available for tasting. We were also... the only people in the store.

They had out the new fruity cereal flavor or something..it was bright blue ... so I bravely tried it. Muh wife pouted when she found out she couldn't try the oatmeal cereal and the guy contended that he couldn't give her a free taste. They give free tastes every other day of the week so why couldn't they give her one now? He eventually relented and got her a tiny spoon and put some of the ice cream on it while we all enjoyed the new flavor in a itty bitty cup.

It was just distressing and really put a bad taste in our mouths. (heh heh... I meant that...)

We have yet to decide if this is boycott worthy... we think it might be but we aren't sure.

Top Five Tuesday -- Better Late Than NEver Edition

Top Five Things I Wanted to Do to the Whiny Biache at the Other End of the Poker Table
1. I wanted to go all in with a fist to her head.
2. I wanted to take the fifth "Kettle One on the Rocks with a twist of lime and a splash of soda" I heard her order and introduce it to her cheekbone.
3. I wanted to ostracize her. When I asked her to "settle" down... she wasn't a fan of that at all.
4. I wanted to take a big pot from her.
5. I wanted to smear peanut butter on her head and let Tucker lose on her.

Top Five Porn Harry Potter Spin Offs
1. Harry Potter & HerHeiny
2. Harry Potter & The Dumbledoranating Dildo
3. Harry Potter & Hogwarts of Luuuuvvv....
4. Harry Potter & the Sorceror's Bone.
5. Harry Potter & Lesbian Outcast Island

Top Five Other Names for Hurricanes You Will Never See
1. Zelda
2. Zebadiah
3. Zeek
4. Zorba
5. Zurich

Top Five Words That Need to Be Used More -- NERD HUMOR!!!
1. Gauche
2. Flatulate
3. Asphyxiate
4. Reckoning
5. Transfix

Top Five Celebrities That if They Disappeared Tomorrow... Would Not Be Missed By My Small Brain...
1. Tom Cruise and I guess that would mean that Katie Holmes by natural extension...
2. Lindsay Lohan -- I don't want to admit this... but true...
3. Ben Affleck... and ... anyone he is married to, dating or banging.
4. Kevin Federline... why did he have to ruin a good thing for us... I mean... really..>
5. Michael Jackson... ummm... duh.

Top Five Saturday and Sunday Morning Guilty Pleasure Shows that I Just Can't Turn Off
1. Date My Mom -- This is truly train wreck television.
2. The Soup -- Joel McHale is the best smarmy fella on the telly.
3. Best Week Ever -- Sherrod wore a cap with a propeller this week folks...that's Q-T.
4. Any paid programming that involves thigh cream.
5. You know... that show... about that thing... what was that thing?

Buying the New Harry Potter Book -- A Tale of Late Night Fun

INTERBLOG MEMORANDUM

TO: LOYAL READERS

FROM: THE SMELMOOO

DATE: JULY 2005

SUBJECT: THE NEW HARRY POTTER BOOK -- AN INTERESTING TALE OF SORTS OF A PRODUCTIVE ACTION PLAN


It is with great pride and pleasure that I announce the arrival of Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince to the Smelmooo residence.

The book was released officially on Saturday, July 16, 2005 and when does that day begin, but at midnight of course! As has been the custom with the past couple of books, America was in a frenzy to get the new book and Harry Potter parties were hosted at book stores across the country. Heck... Princeton showed the first movie on a big screen so it would end around midnight and then sold a ton of books.

There were two main options available tot he lovely Tangent Woman and muhself as we wanted to see what these late night Harry Potter parties were all about. We could go to the rather large Barnes and Noble that has its own entrance at the Menlo Park Mall on busy Route 1 OR we could have gone to the Waldenbooks that was located on the second floor of Woodbridge Center just two more miles down the road. We thought about it and went with the indoor location as we felt the crowd would be smaller.

Upon waking up the Tangent Woman at 11:20 pm and getting packed up and putting the Tuckster to bed, we climbed into the Big Blue Buick and made our way to the mall. We arrived and noticed that there was plenty of activity and security guards were strategically placed throughout our walk. at 11:45, we arrived at the store and saw a big screen television showing the first Harry Potter flick, tables with crafts, and a magic show being prepared for approximately 200 people or so. The majority of the people were kids and parents with about 15% being couples like ourselves.

After evaluating the situation, we made our way to the store where we received a number -- 0078. This explained why there wasn't a throng of people waiting outside the door to the store. We watched the rest of the magic show and then the clock struck 12. Everyone got up and walked to the front of the store. They took in the first 25 people who were cattled to the back of the store where the books were handed to people.

The line moved quickly and even with only two registers going, we had our book in hand by 12:20 or so. The simple reason was that many people had pre-paid so they were being handed their books. I was excited to have the book in hand and so was Tangent Woman who was dutifully given the task of transporting the valuable commodity to the Big Blue Buick.

As a whim, we drove past the Barnes & Noble at 12:45. We thought the other place was busy, but it made the Waldenbooks store look amatuerish. It was as though there was a street fair going on as the line was literally wrapping around the building. Folks... this is a VERY large Barnes and Noble with a lot of floor space. It was truly insane.

Tangent Woman and I looked at each other and I expressed our sentiments with just one word.

Suckers.

A friend suggested to me that "maybe they were enjoying the whole process. I didn't mind waiting last night. really lovely family in front of me, chatting about the city and such. the guy behind me, well, I could have done without him but that's because he thought he was veeeeeeeeeeery funny"

It is with this that I sign off and leave you with the following action item.

DO NOT TELL ME WHAT HAPPENS IN THE BOOK. I HOPE TO FINISH MY CURRENT BOOK ON THE TRAIN TO WASHINGTON D.C. TOMORROW AND BEGIN THIS BOOK.

A Twinge of Excitement

I leave you all to head to A.C. with my buddy Mags.

Wish me luck...

An IMportant Decision -- Incorrectly Made

I had an important decision yesterday at work.

I was faced with a decision that has haunted many a man in this world.

I had to decide if I wanted to wait to poop at home or at the office.

Here are the facts:

1. Going at home is a much more comfortable and enjoyable experience.
2. I felt as though I could hold it for the 25 minutes it would take to get a replacement in the office and drive home.
3. I knew it was going to be a production so it would have required a whole lot of placement of toilet paper or toilet seat covers all over the seat as actually sitting would be required.

I decided to wait for home...and God decided to punish my precious bum.

I got in the car five minutes early and headed out on my 4 minute car ride home...or so I thought. Thanks to these instances... my ride was 23 minutes.

* I was the 6th car in queue to leave the lot. One of the cars must have been an old lady without any courage.
* At the first traffic light, I watched it turn red just as I was pulling up to the line.
* After getting on the first main road, I was stopped as the first in line when a TRAIN decided to come across.
* Once on MAIN STREET proper, I saw an accident way up. I was able to see it way up since I was stuck in a line to get around the ONE lane of traffic it created.
* After I cleared the accident, I was stuck in a line that I can NOT get mad at. They were doing some construction on the road.

I finally made it home and I gave new meaning to the phrase, "Pissed Off Asshole."

Oregon Quarter -- A Story of A Boy Who Found His True Geekdom

The attendant looked across the counter at me and said, "Don't you have two pennies? It would make it all so much easier."

I knew I had a nickel in my pocket, but I wanted to see if I would get anymore of those fancy quarters with state logos on them. Besides, I didn't want to make the whiny buy's day that much easier.

I have a confession to make. I have one of those maps in which I put the state quarters into when I get a new one. I am up to date and I actually get excited when I find a state that I haven't seen yet. I put it in a special part of my pockets and I look forward to when I get home so that I can shove it into its appropriate slot on the map of America.

(Alright... here is confession number two. I enjoy this so much that I actually have a SECOND map that is not as up to date as it is dedicated solely to quarters that are from the DENVER mint. My main map is all Philadelphia minted quarters. Did I hear you shake your head at me? That's what I thought.)

The attendant made out the 98 cents in change and put it into my hand. I used my index finger to shift the quarters around and flip them over... and there it was... the new quarter I had been waiting for... OREGON!!!

I got a big smile on my face and said to the attendant, "See? That little bit of extra work and you just made my day."

I can't understand why he would roll his eyes at that.

Getting To Know You - The Bulk Emails Continue

Welcome to the Summer 2005 edition of getting to know your friends.

What you are supposed to do is copy (not forward) this Entire e-mail and paste it onto a new e-mail that you'll send. Change all the answers so they apply to you, and then send this to a whole bunch of people including the person who sent it to you. The theory is that you will learn a lot of little things about your friends, if you did not know them already.

1. What time did you get up this morning? 5:52 AM

2. Diamonds or pearls? Pearl NECKLACES

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Star Wars - Revenge of the Sith

4. What are your favorite TV shows? Six Feet Under, 24, Survivor

5. What did you have for breakfast? I had a cookie today.

6. What is your middle name? Neal

7. What is your favorite food? It would have to be ice cream.

8. What food do you dislike? Cucumbers... I can smell that evil smelling vegetable from 50 yards out.

9. What is your favorite chip flavor? Sour Cream and Cheddar Cheese

10. What is your favorite SONG at the moment? "I'm Not Wearing Any Underwear Today" from the Avenue Q soundtrack.

11. What kind of car do you drive? Big Old Blue Bluick LeSabre.... how much are YOUR car payments?

12. Favorite sandwich? Roast Beef and American Cheese on Rye

13. What characteristics do you despise? Smoking and Stupidity

14. Favorite item of clothing? I really love the four funny saying T-SHirts that I have that make me new friends... One simply states "Cheese is Good" and that is my ultimate favorite... but I am also partial to the one that reads "Ninja Assassin."

15. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go? As of right now? Spain...on a cruise... more practically? The Jersey
shore...ahh... 3 weeks away...

16. What color is your bathroom? Beautiful yellow that SSG loves and blue with white tile for the other one.

17. What is your favorite brand of clothing? I don't have one...but I am most inclined to buy casual stuff at the Gap.

18. Where would you retire to? I think that best case scenario... we would have a house in a warm climate and a house in Nwe England... we would go back and forth in between each house. Mmm... best case scenarios rock.

19. Favorite time of the day? I really enjoy coming home from work. Not just because I have me time...but also because..there really isn't anything better than having a dog that just jumps around like crazy showing you attention and love.

20. What was your most memorable birthday? Every single one that I have spent with muh wife... from Harvest Moon to organizing a T-Shirt for
charity... all four have been great.

21. Where were you born? Somerville, New Jersey

22. Favorite sport to watch? NFL Football and... trick pool... or trick bowling... or juggling championships...or the darts championship.

23. Who do you least expect to send this back to you? I think it is pretty safe to say that the Smelmooo's brother will not do something like this.

24. Person you expect to send it back first? No one... or... Gina.

25. What fabric detergent do you use? I don't know... I know muh wife likes Tide.

26. Coke or Pepsi? I prefer Diet Pepsi... but I don't care. If both are the same price... I will actually pick the one that has a game on the top.

27. Are you a morning person or a night owl? I am both. I sleep so little that I enjoy getting things done before and after muh wife goes to sleep.

28. What is your shoe size? 9.5M. If I have to go with whole sizes like with sandals...then 10.

29. Do you have any pets? I used to write WIFE in here... God bless Tangent Woman... but now... we have Tucker.

30. Any exciting news to share with family and friends? Yeah... we have THE greatest dog in the world... go ahead... try to top that.

31. What did you want to be when you were little? I didn't care... I still don't care... it's what makes me me...organized indifference.

32. And finally, say one nice thing about the person who sent this to you:Hey... if you are going to have a girl a few years younger than you have a crush on you...this is the girl!

Tribute To Muh Wife On An Anniversary of Sorts

Today marks the second anniversary of the day that muh wife and I took a planned hike up the Pennsylvania side of the Delaware Water Gap.

The morning began earlier than she wanted as she had been to a bachelorette party the night before. Tired and surprisingly full of energy, Tangent Woman and I set off to the largest crack in the state.

It was a gorgeous day and we sang and talked and bickered and made up and sang and talked some more. At 10 in the morning, we joined five other car loads and purchased some snacks a.k.a. hot dogs at Hot Dog Johnny's in Buttzville, NJ -- only 8 miles from our destination.

30 minutes later we left the Visitor's Center and found our way over to the Pennsylvania side of the Gap and found the 2.3 mile trail we were looking for. (A shorter than normal hike, but a good one for what I had planned.) Getting out of the car, we prepared for the hike. Muh wife collected her bag with water bottles and change of shirts while I quickly shoved this little square box into my front pocket.

We hiked and hiked and continued to move upward to the top of the hill. We took pictures and posed and enjoyed the scenery. Eventually, we came across a small waterfall and I feigned needing a break. My hand double checked that the hard box was still in my pocket for the 75th time and I encouraged her to sit by the little waterfall.

We chatted some more and then I leaned over her and asked her to be muh wife. She said yes to that question two years ago.

Two funny things happened after that.

1. Tangent Woman was a hysterical mess I am proud to say. She was crying and we were hugging and hunched over off the beaten path by the tiny tiny waterfall. A pair of women walked by. If I saw us I would have figued that something was up but I would have moved along minding my own business. We eventually caught up to them a bit farther up the path. We asked them to take our picture because "we just got engaged!" The older of the two women let a large sigh and said, "Oh thank god! We thought you were hitting her or something because she was crying so much." We laughed it off and got our picture taken. (Side note... if I actually thought that... I would have called the police or stepped in... people are nuts.)

2. We got so caught up in our conversation about our wedding and who we would invite and have involved that we got lost. Our 2.3 mile hike turned into what we figure... a 10 mile hike with the following conversation. We came across an asphalt road near the top of the mountain with houses. We stopped a gentleman on his riding mower and asked him for directions to the parking lot where we parked. He said... "Oh boy... you are like 5 miles from that. Go down...." After a mosquito filled and ugly walk, we eventually made it back to the car. That type of thing hasn't happened again.

I could never do justice in writing to how happy muh makes me and this blog is just a small representation of how happy she makes me.

Thank you sweetie for saying yes two years ago. It means the rest of them will be incredible too.

Just in case you were wondering...

... my phone ringer is now... The A-Team theme...

Top Five Tuesday

Top Five Names for Hurricanes That We Will Never See
1. Xenon
2. Superman
3. Tumulty
4. Saddam
5. Vladimir

Top Five Reasons Why Lance Armstrong Should Win The Tour De France
1. He has one testicle.
2. He is not French or German or Italian or Spanish or Greek....
3. Seven Times... now THAT's AN achievement.
4. Sheryl Crowe is his girlfriend...why not give him everything?
5. He has one testicle.

Top Five Reasons Why I am Leading the Death Pool by a LOT
1. Terry Shiavo
2. Luthor Vandross
3. Ossie Davis
4. I am channelling all the forces from the past two years in which I didn't pick any!
5. My kharma is kicking in...

Top Five Ways to Tell if Your Cow Has Mad Cow Disease
1. She goes...nyuk nyuk...and tries to poke your eyes with her hoof.
2. She has a plaque above her stall that reads... Loony Bin
3. You hear the A-Team theme song coming from the barn...
4. You see hoof marks in the fence after you told her that you were expecting TWO batches of milk a day.
5. She runs for President...

Top Five Reasons Why My Heart Was Broken When I Found Out that Tiffani Amber Thiessen Got Married
1. Valerie Malone
2. Kelly Kaposki
3. She is the same age as me... so I felt a connection.
4. She was so cute... and pure....
5. She never resorted to making anything as silly or horrible as Showgirls.

Top Five Toughest Parts About Having a Blog
1. You forget what you have actually told people and what they have learned about you by what they read.
2. Can I really be witty 365 days a year? I have successfully proven that I cannot be.
3. I can't put my best stuff up.
4. I rely a bit too much on it for sharing information with others.
5. Tucker is too easy to write about.

My heart is officially... broken...

Click here...

Random Thoughts Before A Day on the Road

1. I was sort of glad that Tucker wouldn't go into the back room at day care until I gave him a good petting on his head and encouraged him. This is the first time we have put him in day care... and it was justified as it is going to be a 100 degree day and we won't be home until almost 7 tonight.

2. I am STILL full from all the food from last night.

3. Six Feet Under was a really great episode last night. Tangent Woman said it best... but it was pretty heartbreaking when George confronted Ruth... simply heartbreaking.

4. I have reached the A-Team episodes where they replaced Amy. I am not sure why... so if anyone has any insight as to why they did that... I would appreciate it.

5. I have a new ring tone... it might drive my wife to suicide... Dunh Dunh Dunh.... Dunh Dunh Dunh.....

6. I saw Raging Bull for the first time this weekend. That was much better that I was expecting... I wasn't expecting much since I am still reeling at how people can say Scarface was good...

7. Is the day over yet?

It's so hot out...

...that my face actually melted off... nice...

Watching Television on a Saturday Morning

I decided to pick up my television remote this morning... really early in the morning too... after walking the Tuckmeister.

I made a few observations:

1. Did you realize that almost all of the shows on Saturday morning have the exact same title? "Paid Programming" However... when you get to each show... they have different programs... Talk about... confusing.

2. I was proud to graduate from Rutgers University Magna Cum Laude with a Bachelors of Arts degree from the History Department. I take an interest in things from a historical point of view and like to learn from past mistakes. However... do we really need a show about "writing about history"? I didn't think so.

3. I remember when I was growing up that one of the first rated R movies that I ever saw was Missing in Action II with Chuck Norris. In that movie, the Vietnamese tortured him and put a canvas bag over his head while he was hanging upside down. Inside the bag, they put in a rat... after a struggle, they took the bag off and Chuck had basically bitten his head right off. It was violent and cool and showed how much of a bad ass Chuck was... When I saw him doing one of his exercise machine commercials this morning, I realized.. and wondered... when the hell did Chuck get so huggable?

4. Somehow, my remote stopped on MTV which featured a Black Eyed Peas video for "Let's Get it Started". I watched and watched. I think I now know what it feels like to enjoy crack.

5. we have those digital music channels. I am always surprised by titles of some of these channels which describe the genre of music on the station.

A. Old School Rap -- All day long?
B. Arena Rock -- Not just regular rock, but ARENA ROCK.
C. Classic Rap -- Seriously now folks... what is the difference between Old School Rap and Classic Rap?
D. Solid Gold Oldies -- ummm....

Vanilla Sugar Wafers

Are they the single greatest afternoon snack ever made?

Muh belly thinks so!

Congrats to Adam and Allison

Please help me welcome my friend Adam and his wife Allison welcome their daughter, Elizabeth “Elle” Riley, into the world. Elle was born yesterday at 10:14 am. She weighed 6 lbs 1 oz and she is 18 3/4 inches long. Mama and baby are doing very well.

Social Experiment at the Movies

Social Experiment at the Movies

Muh wife and I went to see Batman Begins at the movies over the holiday weekend. (Side note -- this is a tremendous film and I really recommend it to anyone that wants to see it. The first villian that we meet was actually scary and I am so glad they went that way with that character. He was just a real stupid character in the Super Friends episodes.)

We got to the theater about 15 minutes early like we usually do so that we could enjoy "The 20" which is Regal Cinemas pre-movie entertainment. It usually shows you inside looks at upcoming entertainment on television, music or movies. It isn't great but we watch it anyway. This is where the social experiment of the afternoon began.

We could only hear The 20. It didn't have any pictures to go along with it. It was kind of annoying but we sat through it for a few minutes before I went outside to tell them that there was a problem in the theater. I was quickly dismissed as only a 22 year old theater manager can dismiss a 31 year old man who was wearing a black T-Shirt that read "Ninja Assassin" can.

The 20 finished up without ever showing us a single image. They ran the two ads that are common place now in the movies and then... we were ready for the previews. The first preview came on and it was extremely loud. Not loud in the sense where it bombarded you with noise from everything... just loud action sequences. You couldn't hear the dialogue at all. The older couple in front of us complained.

The second preview was the exact opposite. It had no sound at all. The images bombarded us and yet... not a sound. This enabled the idiots in the top row to make sound effects. Some were funny and some were not. ANything that invloved beeping on the phone... was not funny. I tried not to laugh because I didn't want to encourage them to keep it up.

The third preview was a return to the loud sounds without any dialouge while the fourth preview was completely silence but images only. The kids began with their schtick again too. The old lady in front of us finally got up to complain. When she did this, I said to muh beautiful wife. "I bet we are part of some big social experiment... to see how far we will go before we complain." The old lady lost.

The fifth preview began quietly and the old lady walked in and announced to everyone in ear shot that the theater is aware of the problem but the movie will be fine. "What a relief," I sighed. "and yet... I don't believe them."

The movie began and everything was perfect.

I wonder if there was some old fella with a white lab coat and a clipboard making comments about our group.

Also... one last and final funny... when we left the movie... I heard one lady go... "Daaaammnn... that movie was deep! It ain't nearly as funny as the first ones... it made me think too much.... "

Dog Park Friends AKA C*ckblocking Our Puppy

We took the Tuckmeister to the local dog park the other day to give him an opportunity to run around like an absolute maniac.

He loves doing that... give him some open space and he will "tucker" himself out by running around and around and around.

Give him another dog to run around with and blammo... instant happiness!

We pulled into the lot and saw that there was a cute dog about twice Tucker's height just lying in the shade waiting for a friend while his owners were sitting on a nearby bench.

Tucker got his bearings... stretched out a bit and then went to make a new friend (He definitely takes after his dad with this characteristic.)

Rusty was HER name and the two of them romped and flopped and licked and wrestled and pounced.

It was about 10 mintues later that I realized that our dear sweet 7 month year old boy puppy had learned the hip thrusting motion that so many dogs are fond of.

He kept trying to mount poor Rusty and Rusty would throw him off. It was cute as Tucker never got high enough. In fact, it might even be argued that he was just wrestling poor Rusty... but I am wary of that explanation.

Tucker would keep wrestling and followed Rusty all around the gym -- reminding me of my junior year in high school and Maribel. The one difference is that I never humped her without her permission.

Even though it was pretty funny and we learned from Rusty's owners that she was altered, it was beginning to make us feel uncomfortable... as it would you if someone that was in your charge would try to stick something of theirs into a hole of someone else's charge.

I put the leash on the cute monster and walked him away...

He hasn't spoken to me since... sorry Tucker... I would fail as Wingman...

Tangent Woman: Dunh-dunh-dunh-dunh, dunh-dunh-dunh!

She is 100% correct.

Heh heh...

The A-Team Makes Me Smile -- Part Deux

Murdoch also had a good one where Hannibal said to a bad guy on a boat... "If you don't behave... we are going to tow you so far out that the next thing you will see is Australia ... "

Murdoch responded with... "Yeah... and you know what happens when that happens? Your mail....piles up... really high... (long pause)... forever!!!"

Congrats To Kelly Monaco

I guess my six votes helped her win Dancing With the Stars...

Pitter Patter... Pitter Patter....

The A-Team Makes Me Smile

so... I was watching the A-Team this morning... and I am reminded of how frigging funny it is...

They were in the hospital because Mr. T's character stepped on a rusty nail.

He came out and Murdock (the crazy one... ) says...Awww... no lock jaw yet?

Mr. T delivers the perfect response... No! Better than your Lock Brain.

I laughed for like two minutes... it really is the small things.

Guest Blog -- Tucker Takes a Field Trip

*Flop*

*Flop*

What are mom and dad doing? I can usually tell when they are getting ready to leave because I hear keys jiggle or I see changes of clothing when they go into that room that I am not allowed in upstairs but today seems different. I can't figure out what they are up to... and here are my clues:

1. They took my fun brown sleeper outside. I don't know what dad was doing with it but he seemed to struggle with it.

2. Mom is really pushing me to pee right now. I just did about 2 hours ago... so what is her push? I am getting good at holding it for more than 8 hours.

3. Mom packed a plastic bag and put a bunch of my things in it. This can't be good.

*Flop*

I think we might be taking a trip... but I am not sure... they haven't rattled my leash. I love when they do that... I will come running from any part of the house for that and for the shaking treat can.

*Flop*

Mommy is calling! I have to stretch first... ok... that's done... now let me peek around the couch to see what's up. I am not going to let he trick me into the kitchen where she will lock my up. She gets me all the time. I will wait here until I at least get something for my troubles... like a treat or an ice cube.

Oh goodie... she is coming to me with the leash... that means we are going for a car ride!!! I LOVE CAR RIDES! I LOVE SITTING WITH MY BACK LEGS ON THE SEAT AND MY FRONT PAWS ON THE CENTER CONSOLE AND I LIKE LOOKING AT EVERYTHING AND EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE LICKING DAD'S NECK UNTIL HE CRINGES.

I was right! Time for a car ride!!!... but wait... oh... shoot... mom wants me to get into my brown carrier! I don't wanna... but dad comes over and shoves me in... at least he gave me a bisquit for my trouble. He also tells me that we are going to go meet my cousins... whatever that means.

The ride was pretty uneventful until right before we got there. I was a silly puppy... I leaned into a turn that my dad was taking and the carrier tipped over. That will teach me to do anything but sit. Dad didn't take the curve too fast at all but I still leaned into it enough to end up on muh head... until mom saved me by uprighting the carrier.

We got... went into this big house and walked into the backyard... I was so happy to meet Uncle Steve and Aunt Sue and meet my people cousins...Julia and Jake. Aunt Sue had a really unproportional (new word I learned in puppy school) tummy... I was told that muh new people cousin is coming soon. I then met my first doggie cousin... Red. Red and I played Chase Each Other Around and Lick Each Other's Faces for awhile. Then... Max came out. Max is much older than both of us... but he was nice to us. We played with each for hours.

We even played Dig Holes in the Mulch. This game was the funnest. We would dig holes in the mulch until it was the length of our bodies. We would them chew and lie in the holes we dug. It was hot outside and this was cool and in the shade! We are smart puppies even though our mommies and daddies yelled at us.

Dad came over in a deceiptful way... he looked happy but he really tricked me by putting a leash on me and walked me back to the house. At the house... mommy turned the hose on me and cleaned off all my fun dirt! I was a soaked through puppy. They left me outside to dry off while they went inside and checked out the house. At least Red and Max came over to hang out and talk.

I learned a lot about Uncle Steve and Aunt Sue and I can't share it with any of you. They won't let me come over ever again... Dad keeps trying to get me tell...but I never will!

*Flop*

Mom and dad are packing up the stuff and we are going home now... I am one tired floppy puppy. I think I will sleep the whole ride home... and then... when I get home... I will barely move for the rest of the day.

*Flop* *Flop* *Flop* *Flop* *Flop* *Flop*
*Flop* *Flop* *Flop* *Flop* *Flop* *Flop*

I never thought I would say this...but...

You go Brooke Shields!

Click here.

Two Supermarkets... Separated at Birth?

I always get in the wrong line at the supermarket...and I am glad that I went on the wrong line this time as I was given some insight into one of the dumbest people I have ever seen.

Clerk -- That will be $42.32 ma'am.

Ma'am -- Ok.. I am going to write out a check.... (2 minutes later)... Here you go.

Clerk -- It says Shop Rite ma'am. We are Stop and Shop.

Ma'am -- What's the difference? Can't you just cash it?

Clerk -- We are different stores. We are called Stop and Shop.

Ma'am -- I don't understand. You should be able to cash that.

Clerk -- No ma'am. I am pretty sure that we will go to jail for trying to cash someone else's check. It's against the law.

Ma'am -- Are you kidding me? What's the difference....get me a manager.

(After several more minutes of debate...)

Clerk -- I am going to have to take cash from you ma'am. I do not trust any check that you may write.

Ma'am then stormed out of the building. ... I paid with cash.

Top Five Tuesday -- A Dramatic Return to An Asskicking Column

Top Five Movies That I Want to See in the Movies
1. March of the Penguins
2. Bad News Bears (I can't explain it... but Billy Bob should make an excellent miserable a-hole)
3. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory -- Tim Burton plus Johnny Depp = super duper flick!
4. The Island -- Michael Bay returns with a killer idea -- Clones who want to escape their pre-determined fate...and car chases.
5. Wedding Crashers -- I think Owen Wilson is the funniest Wilson... out of three... that ain't bad.

Top Five Reasons Why I Will Not Go to See War of the Worlds
1. I was on the phone outside of Batman Begins this weekend and WotW let out. NOT ONE PERSON said it was a good movie. A LOT of people said it had INCREDIBLE and EXCEPTIONAL special effects...but that... a movie ... does not make...
2. I do not want to support anything that Tom Cruise is in. He is insane.
3. Steven Spielberg lied... he said he would never make a movie with bad aliens. Liar.
4. I know the ending... (There was a great joke on Best Week Ever when they were discussing why movie going is down this year. Their explanation is because everything is a rehash or remake. My favorite line was "It's like going to the movies and some a-hole ruins the movie for you by telling the ending and that a-hole is YOU!"
5. Oprah -- She encouraged Tom to be... apparently... himself.

Top Five Song Titles of Songs that Are Dumb But I Love Anyway -- AKA A Trip Through Muh iPod
1. Vampires in Love by Marvelous 3
2. The Girl is Mine by Michael Jackson (Just so wrong in many ways)
3. Ooh, Ooh, Song by Pat Benetar
4. My Sharona by The Knack
5. Myxomatosis by Radiohead

Top Five Things that We Watched This Weekend
1. Date My Mom -- What is it with this show? It is complete train wreck television yet... I am strangely compelled to watch it every single time it is on.
2. The Yankees beating the Orioles last night.
3. The Soup -- Joel McHale is a very funny fella. For those of you that have never seen The Soup, Joel is the Ricky Gervais boss type character in the Burger King commercials -- "YOU are my FANTASTIC Four!!!"
4. Vertigo -- That ending STILL gives me chills.
5. Crouching TIger, Hidden Dragon -- Damn... I still wanna be a ninja. I took muh pillow after the movie and tossed it at muh wife and called it Tan Destiny... ha ha ha... that made us laugh for... minutes.
Dishonorable Mention -- Wimbledon even though muh wife teared up at the end... silly wife.

Top Five Reasons to See Batman Begins - The REAL Reasons
1. To watch Katie Holmes talk only out of the side of her mouth.
2. To watch the deep blue eyed hero of 28 Days Later be the coolest villian of Batman's history.
3. Christian Bale is a bad ass mumma f-er
4. Michael Caine steals every movie he is in. I am so amazed by him the older he gets.
5. No penguins, George Clooney, Val Kilmer, Tommy Lee Jones or Jim Carrey.


Top Five Why This LITTLE Person Keeps Winning Hot Dog Eating Contests
1. He has six stomachs.
2. He doesn't know any better.
3. He went to school during the summers -- That's why the Japanese are so far ahead of... year round school!!!
4. He is the same size as Tom Cruise -- Super Person and all around perfect fella!
5. I have no idea....

Happy Fourth of July

What a great holiday.

I received absolutely NO SPAM emails today.

God bless America....

Thank you for signing the Declaration of Indepenece that eventually led to freedom of speech...even those pesky Spam Emails..

Also... thank you Spammers for taking a vacation.

The Smelmooo

Holiday Weekends Are Good for...

I get more done for the house on holiday weekends than any other day.

For example:

1. I weed whacked the entire trimming to the entire house this weekend. That isn't hard but since the WW is electric I have to be wary of the cord. The hardest part is actually "re-winding" the cord back up.

2. Revamped my last flower bed.

3. Washed Laundry

4. Round Up-ped all the patios.

5. Put together a collection of boxes of dishes (all dead from the recent October 2004 merger) for muh wife to take to the "charity drop" off at work.

6. Much more....

Taking First Place

Not that I want to celebrate the death of someone...BUT...

the death of Luthor Vandross has put me in FIRST place in the Death Pool.

He went on exactly the half way point of the game -- July 1st.

I wish I could say that I was proud... but that is kind of sick.

I'm Moving...to Canada...

The court is in some serious trouble.

I was reading an article today that the Bush administration is "ready" for when Reinqhuist announces his retirement.

Then... today I read that Justice Sandra Day O'Connor, first woman on U.S. Supreme Court, is retiring.

This court is going to be in some serious doo doo.

I anticipate having to say the Pledge of Allegiance every day at work now...

I anticipate being FORCED to put up a Ten Commandments in every office.

This is a blow to my sensibilities....

Fourth of July Weekend Admission

Dammit... It's the weekend in which we celebrate the Fourth of July.

The Fourth of July is representative of a little document entitled the Declaration of Independence which was the beginning of the colonies breaking away from Imperial Rule.

(Side note -- We wouldn't be celebrating this document if we hadn't won the war. Amazingly, lots of death and violence allows me the right to say to my boss -- I am not coming into the office and I am grilling burgers. Thanks so much for signing a piece of paper and dying for me.)

But all of that is irrelevant because I have to admit something to you all.

I am using my American freedom to admit that I turned on and left on because I was completely fascinated by... Dancing With the Stars. Somehow, I missed all the earlier episodes and I sat through the whole thing on Wednesday... both the repeat and live episodes.

I couldn't stop watching it because it was so fascinating and funny and engaging and interesting.

Granted... the stars aren't really stars... and the dancing is still below par, but it is quite good for only learning it a week prior...but the show is fun nonetheless. For those of you not in the know... here is the premise.

"Dancing with the Stars is a totally unique and original series that pairs a celebrity with a professional dance partner as they train and then compete in front of a studio audience in a televised dance competition. The pairs will be judged by a panel of experts and also by viewers at home, with one couple being eliminated each week." Click here for the rest of the synopsis.

It is down to the final two "stars" John O'Hurley from Seinfeld fame and Kelly Monaco from General Hospital fame. She is also a former Playmate of the Month... my favorite that year... and is quite the cutie pants.

There are two other stars on the show though. The first is the costume designers. Whoever is designing the dresses that these women have to wear is an absolute genius and makes it possible for even the straightest man in the world to enjoy the show. UN-FRIGGING-BELIEVABLE what these ladies are wearing... I mean.. .not wearing.

The second star of the show is perhaps one of the most beautiful judges/people in Carrie Ann Inaba. You can click on her name to see what she looks like but it doesn't do her justice. She is a superstar who rips new a-holes and is gorgeous to boot while also supplying support to dancers when need be.

Wow... I typed a WHOLE bunch for a show I have only watched for 110 minutes.